This Week in Milford

November 20, 2021

This Plot Has No Title. Nor Direction, For That Matter.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:15 pm

Don’t tune us into this stupid side of life

We’re an innocent bystander, crazy with the knife

Take us to the Spillers where the quack doctor lied

Show us the lockers where Coach Thorp’s brain is fried

Let us breathe deeply from this tragic land mine

Crap-coloured stories and dumb dreary lines

Look in the mirror, Gil, ogle at yourself

And consider staking coaching on the shelf

And each day we learn just a little bit more

We don’t know why, certainly don’t know what for

If this plot’s going somewhere, DAMN let’s get there soon

For this plot’s got no title and it’s all out of tune

Well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Look who finally decided to show up for the game in time to overstate the obvious. Gil, we could have called this a placebo (nice one, Moon) several weeks ago and have been bitching to that effect. You finally noticed? Oops, I forgot, you were too busy winning a Barney’s Pub Gift Card at the dart tournament. Oh, that is, when you were not occupied lining up net officials for Mimi’s 5-game volleyball schedule. Yeah, don’t let Dr. Pearl’s grandmammy stand by the outer line to call “in” or “out” this time. We wouldn’t want the Valley Conference opponents raising a stink.

Gil, did it ever occur to you to coach DURING the season, not when matters reach the equivalent of being relegated to a fallout shelter? If you had provided DIRECTION DURING the season, you might have stemmed the tide and averted the Henry Clay “I know no Oakwood, no Madison, no Goshen, no Tilden-only Milford” speech we were subjugated to experience on the cafeteria table the other day. Right now, Tevin is looking like the coach and you’re the Coke vendor coming in and basically saying “That sounds nice, Tevin, and I agree. Anybody want a pop before I shut the machine?”

Leadership, Gil. It’s what coaches at high schools do year-round, not just when the Barney’s Pub All-Comers 60 Years and Over Men’s Major Modified Plastic Wing Dart Tournament has run its course and you use your gift card to buy everybody a round. Oh, we got a football game tonight? Thanks for reminding me, bartender. Is my jacket still in the hallway?

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Filing Protest With Milford Dart Council After Losing Second Round Match!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I checked some of Gil’s darts. He doctored them with IcyHot, no question.”

Will the artist who draws Gil quit making a model for some pirate flag? That’s about as hideous of a portrait of Gil as you’re gonna get. Surely, that wasn’t extracted from his yearbook photo. No, Gil, don’t have your eye soldered shut for your senior picture. You want to look back on this twenty years down the road with pride. When I was graduating from my college, one of the members of the college board of directors bestowed us with a coffee mug with the college insignia, pointing out in her address, to keep it as a reminder of the wonderful years at the school. And the point was valid. But if I have to drink Maxwell House a few years later out of a mug with that yearbook picture of Igor after he dumped Frankenstein’s brain into the river to pose for his lifetime memories, I’d just as soon go to a Union 76 Truck Stop to purchase coffee mugs.

Papillon escapes from Devil’s Island and eventually arrives at a leper colony and P1-Gil is the first person he encounters? It’s hard to bet otherwise, as his hand is severely truncated. I wouldn’t be leaving the colony to go back to French Guiana. What’s he going to do, get a job as an order-taker at the McDonald’s drive-thru? Better let somebody else ring up the order, if you know what I mean. And mopping floors is definitely out. You take your chances, you know.

And Boyd still has that little smile. Is there any hypnotic effects for lepers? Looks like Boyd still has job security. Uh, make that Dr. Boyd.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Disputes Findings By Dart Council After Lengthy Investigation!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Brother, I could smell that IcyHot when I was in the men’s room takin’ a whiz.”

Again, Gil, it’s nice that you set the record straight and refocused the the team’s energies from some YouTube nut and his even nuttier ideas but the pile of hands in P2 should be done EVERY GAME, not just because Kaz and Karl witnessed history in the making and called you collect at Barney’s Pub. Okay, Kaz was at Barney’s, then Karl called collect after eating the Jay’s Subs tenderloin. I agree we all need each other and that Is crucial for team spirit but you’re saying that after you were pissing around with darts at a pub? Did you write this feel-good message on note cards after you were eliminated from the darts tournament?

“Kaz, how many t’s in commitment? Just two? Including the one at the end? You think I should talk about the time when I was in the Marines we got the latrines dug out faster when we stuck together? We sure got to poop a lot sooner. And Mimi both pull together in a marriage. What? Whattya mean none of the players are married? They might as well get an early jump on the concept.”

Gil and teamwork go together like Bob Knight and the refs. Well, there were nights Knight didn’t get T’d up, so there.

At Barney’s Pub, during Darts Tournament action, Duke Jordan’s “Glad I Met Pat” emanating from the juke box

“Mr. Thorp, this is your final warning. You can’t step over the line when you throw.”

And the hands look like hands for once with the exception of the oversized configuration buried under the other appendages. A true model for why you don’t pan-fry your chicken and the foundation for all the Shake ‘n’ Bake commercials. And why are some of the hands wrapped with so much tape? Did they raid Rick Scott’s medicine cabinet when he was making the rounds at Kianna’s gymnastic academy? Unless there’s a couple of mummies that entered the transfer portal from Khufu. I know Coach Thorp needed a couple of linemen because the ones he’s got are wussies and couldn’t block a poodle but I didn’t realize he was desperate. Well, anyway, we need each other, right? Let’s show Madison we can stack our hands so it doesn’t look like Jenga.

If ya gotta register in a dart tournament cuz they canceled the pool tournament cuz they had ta throw the uther one out cuz somebody overdid it on the Buds and pee’d a river on the canvas and even ruined the pool rack, ya might be a redneck.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Cochran Advises His Client To Go Before An Arbitration Board In Dartgate Imbroglio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘Coach Thorp won’t be able to conceal his dubious methods when judged by his peers.'”

And you remember Tommy Serrano, right? Wasn’t he the bass player for Tommy James and the Shondells? Sang backup on “Draggin’ the Line” and “Crimson and Clover”? Acoustic guitar on “Crystal Blue Persuasion”? Or was he the bass player for The Four Seasons. Let’s hang on to this worthless plot, I know we’ll both regret it.

Let me jog your memory the way mine needed to be jogged. Tommy was the one who was getting his blocking assignments wrong and subjected himself under the penlight after Tevin got a dosage of Butthead’s medicine. We can safely fast forward Tevin to the cafeteria incident but a lot of water and BS (Boyd Spiller and the other BS) flowed under Gil’s desk since Tommy got doused with this false elixir.

4You’re going to tell me it has been three weeks and Tommy has done nothing to address his problem outside of BS’s quick fix? And Gil never noticed? That Carolina Blue has been the Color du Jour for three weeks because nobody bothered to check the Crayola box for other pigmentations? Land sakes, I had plenty of colors when I took my Crayola box to 2nd grade art class. No wonder why the Madison Tar Heel broadsided the Mudlark running back. Gil, why don’t you show up for practice next time so that Rally Around The Shake ‘n’ Bake Fryer is part of your repertoire, not a lonely beacon in your sea of call-in’s. Just saying.

Because I was a bit befuddled by all the promos this one golf course was advertising and putting in my newspaper as an insert.

“And that’s the end of the 1st quarter, Madison leading Milford, 10-3. There’s still time to figure it out but with Gil leading the troops, it’s like a box of chocolates, you never know which chocolate is going to take charge. We’ll be back after these messages, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Golfing is fun but it can also be expensive. And when you factor in the nasty rumors that there were more tow trucks in the Milford Country Club parking lot than BMW’s, it was a no-brainer that the Country Club had to address these issues before membership sunk to a point where the Club could barely afford to fill the sand in the trap.

Hello, this is Coach Kaz and Milford Country Club would love to have you back. And this time they mean business. Check out this Thanksgiving Special, and to be honest, it makes me want to dump the turkey in the trash compactor and grab my clubs. From now until the end of November, when you purchase 1 round at $25, you will get a free round of golf and, guess what, that includes the cart. And The Club got smart this time, ordering enough carts so that, if Milford got invaded, the Milford National Guard could use them to mobilize innocent lives out of town or send needed ammunition to the front. There were complaints that golfers could not effectively move from hole to hole, particularly our senior citizens, because there was a critical golf cart shortage. No sense in people going to the hospital with contusions or battered limbs or bullet holes in the pectoralis major due to struggles over the limited supply. Now you can golf another round gratis and not worry about golf cartjacking.

And here’s another super special that I could use myself since I’m slicing them all the time when I’m losing my shirt or the lien on the house in friendly games with Coach Thorp. From now until Christmas, with each round at $21, you will get a dozen of golf balls absolutely free. And again, you don’t have to slog through the snow for 18 holes to get this deal. We’ll let you use a golf cart so that this bargain comes faster. I know I wouldn’t want to use my hiking boots to plow through until I get on the greens at #8 dog leg right just to get a bunch of Titleists. It’s bad enough having to use the snow shovel to locate the ones I’m going to have to take a drop for.

And just when you thought that Milford Country Club was too damn cheap to offer to the general public any more goodies to keep its doors open and the Milford Country Club Lounge pianist still playing, especially at birthday bashes, here’s another one that’ll grab ya. With 1 round played for $21, Milford Country Club will give you a free golf shirt and you can choose brand names like Armour, Greg Norman, Cutter & Buck, and Nike to suit your wardrobe. And again, you can use the golf cart to round out this deal. Shoot, I’ll be zipping from hole to hole just to get my Greg Norman Lavender in extra large. When I shoot one in the lake this time, I’ll just add one and move on. No sense in a time-consuming ball-drop when I’m in a hurry to make a fashion statement. It’s worth avoiding the coyote when I shank one just to look my sexiest in a Cutter & Buck Lime Green Short Sleeve.

Point blank, Milford Country Club Golf Course wants you back. Come experience the joy of golf once again and get a little extra along the way. It’s your time to tee off.”

No, Gang, I’m not using IcyHot to get all that gunk out of Gil’s eye. Let him apply some IcyHot himself. But God bless you, Gang.

Spare me the alleys where all blindness is done

Ship this in a rocket to the core of the sun

Want to read panels that are studies of men

Born on the breeze, don’t die in the wind

If I was an artist who paints with his eyes

I’d study this crassness and silently cry

Cry for the BS to crash down, for real

The confusion carried off on a never-ceasing wheel

And each day I learn just a little bit more

I don’t know why, certainly don’t know what for

If this plot’s going nowhere DAMN let’s kill it soon

For this plot’s got no title and Gil’s out of tune

Overheard at Barney’s Pub

“Look, Mr. Official, that’s what I’m talking about. Gil rubs his ear every time he’s about to throw. He’s got to be using Vaseline.”

11 Comments »

  1. Why is it so easy to hear Dylan singing those lines?

    Comment by vaganova — November 20, 2021 @ 2:37 pm

  2. So the lineman who learned the hypnotism was bogus lost all the confidence he’d gotten from the placebo effect, and starts missing his blocks again? Nice coaching, Gil. Looks like your undefeated team might end up missing the playdowns yet again, because of your lame pabulum “all we need is love each other” instead of inspiring in the players that they had it in themselves all along. When does basketball start?

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 20, 2021 @ 2:55 pm

  3. Classic deep cut Elton John, nice!

    Comment by MopMan — November 20, 2021 @ 3:10 pm

  4. Don’t worry Mudlark fans, Tevin will give a rousing speech at halftime and lead the team to a thrilling comeback victory. Modern psychiatric therapy proven the best to all those impressionable youngsters reading this strip.

    Comment by MopMan — November 20, 2021 @ 3:26 pm

  5. Yeah. It’s been 7 years since Gil won anything and I think Rubin reads our comments and is tired of our shit and ready to give him another one even though this team is like Michigan State and will get drubbed when someone is ready for them like today when it was 42-0 at the half to OSU.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 20, 2021 @ 3:56 pm

  6. Looks like Milford will miss out on their second in the Valley goal.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — November 20, 2021 @ 4:28 pm

  7. P4: ball carrier stands up and whips ball off Tommy’s helmet “…. C’mon fucko…. Can you at least try not to be such a fuckin pushover?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — November 20, 2021 @ 5:02 pm

  8. So after gossiping about their players over beer and darts like a couple of housewives, Gilberto and Kazuo finally decided to get involved and earn their bloated paychecks for once…

    Comment by Hitorque — November 20, 2021 @ 8:41 pm

  9. Oh, franku, do be more careful.
    THE Ohio State University was up 49-0 at halftime, not 42-0.
    They put in a real team effort in the second half to not win 98-0.

    Comment by Downpuppy — November 20, 2021 @ 9:31 pm

  10. On 1 play Serrano does what he said he was doing 2 days ago to Tevin– miss a block. Why does 1 play in a game have to symbolize the whole result?? Missed blocks are part of every game. Where is Spiller during all this? Isnt he an offensive lineman? Cant he pick up the guy Serrano missed? Guess we’re headed to defeat on the strength of 1 poor offensive play. What a weak outfit this team is.

    Comment by robmize2013 — November 20, 2021 @ 11:42 pm

  11. @downpuppy… my bad… I quit watching with about 3 min to go in first half. I just assumed it was a much closer game than it actually was.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 21, 2021 @ 8:19 am


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