This Week in Milford

November 23, 2021

From NBA Championship Coach To Gil’s Trainer: The Journey Continues.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:28 pm

Geez, I’ve heard of pissing footballs, but this is ridiculous. The receiver must have consumed one Gatorade bottle too many. I swear, I confess I am not a football man but I did play receiver in intramural football and at no time did I ever do the Macarena when pursuing an overthrown pass. Like the Mudlark receiver is trying to put the brakes on literally. You probably won’t need the emergency brake this time; the football appears to be dying a certain death after the first bounce. Relax.

In the bigger picture, I am reluctant to announce, based on yesterday leading into the receiver today disco’ing to Thelma Houston’s “Don’t Lead Me This Way”, that we may be in for another mini-plot. That’s right, Tevin might have seen somebody to clear his head but forgot his appointment with the physical therapist. What’s Gil going to do, give him 39 lashes with a bull whip for future neglected appointments? Yet another direction that is leading in the direction that matches the fate of the former planet Pluto. It’s out there somewhere and might crash-land around suppertime. If you see this meteoric explosion by The Diner and Maureen gets carried off in a UFO, you know what happened.

And we still have Heather Burns and her potential inept muckraking on the backburner. This Fall storyline is one gigantic Pandora’s Box. Time to chase all the ghoulies back in the box.

If you’re like me, you like to do what you can for charity. And I am encouraging you to donate to Youth Sports Leagues, whether through, as examples, car washes, candy sales, raffle tickets, or street corner solicitations. The statistics are clear. Kids who play sports, regardless of record, are less likely to get in trouble, particularly with the law.

That said, I got a letter from a cause that basically said the world is going to Hell in a handbasket if they don’t receive enough to keep its cause going. Okay, I swallowed that but then it proceeds to inform me that if I make a contribution, I will get all kinds of discounts, like at McDonald’s or my neughborhood grocery store, not to mention subcription to the cause’s magazine and a free backpack if I contribute half my life’s savings. I am relieved I can save the world from a nuclear holocaust and get my Happy Meal half off. Kill two birds with one stone.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Terrorist League Increasing Membership With Latest Promotion!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“MTL Spokesperson: ‘Yankee Imperialists seem to enjoy the BOGO Special at The Bucket on all the Bucket Tenderloin Combos.”

What is Dr. Jack Ramsay doing on the sidelines with Coach Thorp? I knew he was a doctor but not an MD if my history is correct. Didn’t he resign from the Pacers after an 0-7 start? How’d he swing football? Slipped a Benjamin to Heather and VOILA, he’s good conversation for Gil during the fame? Oh, oopsy doopsy, that’s RICK SCOTT, who has made his return after taking the same sabbatical that Coach Shaw is on. And he has shown up at just the right time as Tevin is banged up and in want of pigmentation. I think the latter will take care of itself if T-Verse can ever track down its Crayolas out of the dumpster but after throwing a pass that causes urination problems for the Mudlark receivers, it’s Dr. Jack, er, Rick to the rescue. And hey, that might be one and the same person. Rick might have hooped it up for St. Joseph’s, you know. All-time leader in Slam Dunks.

If ya piss corn pone under unforeseen circumstances on the county courthouse and ya git let off by tha off-duty cop with community service cleanin’ up the hog droppings as they’z ’bout ta git sent ta th’ slaughterhouse, ya might be a redneck.

P2 is about as comical as you’re gonna get

“Dr. Ramsay, I’m sorry you dumped the Pacers. They haven’t been anything since McGuiness so I understand. And Walton must have been a handful in ’77 and he had more foot injuries than Butthead had hypnotic sessions and when you get out of your pity party and before you do analysis for NBA on ESPN, could you look at Tevin? His passes are coming out the water sprinklers and he’s overthrowing when he’s doing a pitchout. And he has a mental block bigger than a baboon’s ass. See what you can do.”

What’s sad is that Dr. Ramsay has more than likely been around longer than Gil this season. And to add insult to Gil, Dr. Ramsay has an NBA ring to flaunt to the Mudlarks.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Sporting Goods Nixes Latest Counter-Offer From Milford Terrorist League!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“MSG Spokesperson: We wanted the League to pitch in more on the Air Jordan Sneakers for constituents to renew their memberships.”

Frank, gotta say, LMAO at your comment, especially because I listened to the game and if were a Bears fan, I’d say the same thing you’re saying. Nagy was a bit befuddling in his play-calling, in particular that 4th-and-1. It did indeed look like Gil Delaware’ing the game. And that’s what we have here. Instead of following through on this vaunted (in Gil’s own mind, anyhoo) Delaware Wing-T, we have Tevin trying to prove his shoulder is still in his socket by unhauling a Darryl Lamonica The-Pass-Might-Reach-The-Next-Time-Zone-By-Halftime. His shoulder might be in the next area code for that matter. Go ahead, you can laugh all you want, to quote Ben Folds, you got no Delaware Wing-T nor clue what you’re doing. And your quarterback has no throwing arm, literally.

And while we’re making a quick survey of Tom Petty and Mort (from Bazooka Joe) in the background, will somebody explain why the seating section always seems to rival the observatory deck of the Empire State Building? You have to use a fire truck ladder to get to the front row. I’d hate to even ask where the emergency exit is. If this was the Colosseum where the Christians were battling the lions, I’d feel safe in the front row. Madison Stadium evidently is the only stadium that starts its nosebleed section in the first 3 rows. Just don’t get too excited and lean over the railing. I’d hate to have to send Dr. Ramsay to pick up all the pieces. He’s already dealing with one falling piece.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Corina Arrested By Milford Police For Alleged Terrorist Activities!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I made a contribution to Milford Terrorist League and got a backpack from them that I carry to school. BFD.”

You mean we have spent beaucoup months wasting our time with Kianna and Tevin and their own personal exploits and problems and we perhaps start to see light at the end of the tunnel with the Four Score And Seven Years Ago vignette on the cafeteria table, only to have Dr. Jack come in fresh off of his NBA Championship with the Portland Trailblazers to inform Gil and the world that we’re taking the plot in ANOTHER direction? And even if there’s a point to it and/or has a happy ending, do I want to be like that kid who has to eat that plate of fried turnips and pistachio cream just to see the Smiley face at the bottom of the plate?

So now we’re left hanging on who the second-banana QB is going to be and how he intends to get Milford out of a bit of a mess. Glad Dr. Hack has Tevin’s best interests in mind but I’m not getting a good feeling about going into the second half. It’s like facing the ’76 Hoosiers or the ’78 Wildcats in the 2nd half without your star player. Gil, you’re going to have Serrano guard Goose Givens? Well, I think I answered my own question.

Gang, I WON’T go into the second half nor any other time without you. You mean the world to me.


  1. While Gil strategizes with Rick Scott about Tevin being done for the night, it doesn’t occur to him that slow and dumb Tommy should be done for the night too. Meanwhile, the two kids in the background don’t seem to GAF about the game and are only thinking about what tail they are gonna chase or how much beer they’re gonna guzzle. Of course, that’s a little too real for Milford so probably not.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 23, 2021 @ 4:09 pm

  2. When I first saw P1, I assumed, based on the exposition, that it was Tevin fumbling the snap or fumbling while running despite not being hit. But then I noticed it’s not his number,, and spent 5 minutes trying to figure out what the hell happened. Still don’t know. If it was an errant pass, it either was thrown at him with his back turned and sailed by, or it was thrown from the other direction and bounced off his thigh without him trying to catch it. Why he’s chasing it, nobody knows.

    Comment by MopMan — November 23, 2021 @ 4:39 pm

  3. Of course after he was moving it around everywhere like a pinwheel he now has limited range of motion?!? How does he show his teammates in the huddle all that then in the locker room its a different story? A running back can play with that you morons. Range of motion is for the QB’s and some receivers who need to reach for passes.

    And down 14-6 is an off night already? What frontrunners they are. Get back out there, MAKE ADJUSTMENTS…… and come back and get this game. Coach Thorp—- your move. Lets see you figure out how to win without ONE PLAYER!!! Teams win without several starters throughout the course of a season. Its football.

    Comment by robmize2013 — November 23, 2021 @ 5:54 pm

  4. Right rob. I know Tevin is just a high school kid but he should tell Rick Scott don’t touch my shoulder and gimme my fukn helmet.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 23, 2021 @ 6:18 pm

  5. Where is the big shit Delaware T offense that Gil was so high on earlier? Why is he trying all this passing bullshit, especially with ineffective players like “Tommy” pass blocking? Nagy’s play calling is better than Gil’s

    Comment by franku2016 — November 23, 2021 @ 8:14 pm

  6. Spiller should hyp-no-tize Tevin to throw left handed. Or just heal the right!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 23, 2021 @ 8:38 pm

  7. @robmize – It IS the QB who has limited range of motion.

    Comment by MopMan — November 23, 2021 @ 8:49 pm

  8. Great job as always, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I live for your comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Everybody did super but Rob and Frank were on point today. Rob acutely observes that if Tevin is limited in motion, how do you explain the Pete Townshend whirlygig? And Bon Knight won several games because he made ADJUSTMENTS, Gil. Thank you, Rob. Glad SOMEBODY noticed. You’re right, it’s how you win.
    Frank, I’m beginning to wonder myself especially after Gil blowharded this offense, now all we’re seeing is footballs being shot out of a loose cannon as in P1. It’s like Coach Knight saying he’s going man-to-man on defense(which he did 99.99% of the time), then playing 2-3 zone the entire game. Gil, get a life.

    God bless you, Gang. You mean the world to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — November 29, 2021 @ 8:07 pm

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