This Week in Milford

November 30, 2021

King Of McGill.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:34 am

A thumbs down sketch, a jeweler’s stone

A bad idea to call his own

Oh Gil, don’t lay so still, you’re out of reach

Still time to teach, play by play

Game observation, players carry reservations

Standing on the tables of giants

Leaves him cold

Leaves him cold

A bad idea to call his own

A hundred million words fly

Away

Away

So i did a little research and found out that college football is not surprisingly alive and well in Canada and that McGill University is a legitimate place to further a player’s football career as well as, of course, a person’s academic career. McGill University plays at Percival Molson Memorial Stadium, capacity 23,000, and while it doesn’t boast a strong championship tradition, it started its football program in 1874 and has won its share of championships.

I just don’t think that needs to be said on top of a cafeteria table. We do have sports information directors, y’know. Or the office secretaries can print out a fact sheet on the school. Naturally, Gil does an un-McGill and goes stone-cold in silence. Just let ’em get on their soapbox and take a stand against Laval University by announcing your Letter-of-Intent with the McGill Redmen. Why we couldn’t do this in the gym is so Gilberto but we’ve been using the cafeteria lately for more inane speeches than casual dining, why stop the stupidity now? And Luhm might have been buffering the floor anyway.

So let Chance stand on the shoulders of giants and eat his Twinkies once he’s done with his vignette. But next time, use the gym, dumbass.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Community College To Begin Home-And-Home Series With McGill University In Football In 2025!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“MCC AD: ‘This is a wonderful opportunity. And it will help in our quest for a spot in the College Football Playoffs. Ohio State and Alabama better be ready.”

I mean, really, if you’re going to defy expectations and make a jackass of yourself in front of the students, teachers on cafeteria duty, cafeteria ladies wiping the tables of Kool-Aid stains, two kids engaged in a food fight over how to solve an algebra problem (completing the square versus the quadratic equation) , etc., make it worth the trouble.

Dominique Wilkins played for Washington, NC, High School and helped his team to back-to-back State titles and was therefore heavily recruited by Dean Smith when he was coaching the Tar Heels. When Wilkins committed to Georgia, he had death threats to him spray-painted all over town. Dane Fife, Mr. Basketball for Michigan back in 1998 was branded a traitor when he signed to play for one of Michigan’s most hated basketball rivals, Indiana, especially after his dad played baseball for Michigan and his older brother, Dugan, had played basketball for the Wolverines. Todd May, a basketball whiz in the Commonwealth of Kentucky and was named Mr. Basketball (high praise as high school basketball is religion in Indiana and Kentucky-the year Indiana went to a multi-class system in high school hoops, it was like a death knell rang throughout the state. Bobby Plump, ’54 Milan hero, lobbied HARD against it, even long after the decision was made) in 1982. He went on to sign with Kentucky but only lasted until Christmas break. He later played for Pikeville College, an NAIA school in the same county as his high school, Virgie, which just tore Kentucky fans understandably all to pieces. Though he was much happier at Pikeville and played that way (35ppg, 14rpg) , Big Blue Nation and Virgie never lived it down. May once had a customer come up to him when May was working in his dad’s auto parts store and say “Doggone, Todd, you let the whole town down” before placing an order. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s religion, baby.

So defy expectations, Chance. But have some expectations to defy. I could stand on a caferteria table and tell how I did on my SAT I took last Saturday. Oh, take it to the mountaintop, T. Drew. What’s Gil going to do, stand on a table and talk about the Midnight League Bowling Championship at Milford Lanes? Mimi get up and step on somebody’s meat loaf singing the praises of the volleyball team? There ARE pep rallies for those sort of things. No need to wallow in your neighbor’s mashed potatoes exclaiming Plump’s last second shot heard ’round the world in ’54.

In Gil’s office, REM’s “Oddfellows Local 151” being podcast on his desk

“No, really, Mister AD, I pushed for him to attend Laval University. Yes, I’m sure he would have been the starting tailback. Go Rouge-et-Or!!!!!!!!!”

I am King of all I see

A cafeteria for my voice

Oh Gil, don’t lay so still, not yet kickoff

Still time to teach, Delaware

Game consternation, players carry reservations

Standing on the tables of giants

Leaves him cold

Leaves him cold

A dumb idea to call his own

A hundred million Wing-T’s fly

Away

Away

And Tevin, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT???? He’s on the damn table, for cryin’ out loud. If I’d done the same thing when I was a teenager at my high school’s cafeteria tables, I’m getting rudely escorted to the principal’s office and facing a prolonged in-school suspension. We’ve had Coach Kaz and Random Teacher On Lunch Duty treat this like George Washington’s Pregame Speech before they raided Trenton. Shame Gil wasn’t there to get a lesson on how to besiege a Hessian bunkhouse.

What do you define as making a stand? Do you want Chance to dance to James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like A Sex Machine”? He funks his way into your heart while he patiently explains that playing at McGill will enhance his stock when he enters the Canadian Football League Draft. While you’re at it, bring the Village People in and disco to “Macho Man” as he assumes the Hard Hat role and believes he will convince Cheeseburger Guy that Chance will soar to new heights avoiding tacklers while playing for the Ottawa Rough Riders.

Patrick Henry’s speech became famous because George Washington was noted heavily for being stoical at Convention meetings and called it STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE (More than likely why he was perfect as Commander of the Continental Army) but after the end of Henry’s speech, Washington’s was just flat-out BUG-EYED.

“GIVE ME MCGILL OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Okay, I’ll give you McGill. Now would you mind taking your toes off my mac ‘n’ cheese?”

Speaking of Rough Riders, I liked a comedians take on when the Saskatchewan Roughriders used to play the Ottawa Rough Riders (latter folded in 1996) . Substituting Milford for Saskatchewan and both teams spelled Rough Riders

“And the Rough Riders have 1st and 10 on the Rough Riders 37-yard line. Rough Riders have a receiver in motion and Rough Riders showing a blitz. Here’s the snap, it’s an end-around, hit by a Rough Rider THE ROUGH RIDERS FUMBLE and RECOVERED BY THE ROUGH RIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!! They’ll have a 3 minutes to go kick the game-winning field goal. The Rough Riders call a time out to set up their defense. The Rough Riders wanted a flag on a late hit. The Rough Riders will try to grind it out on offense. Gil calls a time out because there were too many Rough Riders on the field.”

Okay, Tevin, make a stand but The Gray People (Blobby People haven’t returned from the Holidays yet) really are showing no better than a casual interest, if that. Cheeseburger Guy is Moose Mason. Duh, that’s a great speech. Want the rest of my fries? And the other dude is probably wondering why he’s looking stupid on a table with his Hanes protruding for that matter more than curious about what college he’s attending. Everybody else is, well, in a gray area. People get that way in Milford although it’s unclear if it’s hereditary.

In Dr. Pearl’s office with REM’s “King of Birds” playing from her Victrola

“Okay, I’ll have him call you. University of Lethbridge? Is that in North or South Dakota?”

And why not, Thorpiverse? Why not waste another panel to further Chance’s prating about the glories of McGill? We still have 24 days until Christmas, so we can afford to dawdle around on the cafeteria table until basketball season shows up like a bull in the McGill University Book Store. We may have to shovel the bull poop (plenty of practice for 60 years) so it doesn’t get on the textbooks but there’s plenty more gray people to toss around and this time they actually seem to give a halfway f—. Ol’Hot Dog Dude is enrapt at the thought that Chance will be playing at a major university in front of an intramural crowd. Don’t choke on your Oscar Mayer when he scores a TD for the McGill Hosers and does the Ickey Shuffle in front of the 10 fans at the game. Chance, you wanted The Immaculate Reception before an empty stadium, you got it. I couldn’t imagine Franco Harris leading the Steelers to a Miracle Victory in front of the McGill University Bridge Club, but Chance, you made your bed, you stand on it.

“And we’ll be back to see if Kianna signs a Letter-of-Intent with Yukon University or University of Calgary after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Milford XXX Theater 24-Hour Buffet Holiday Dinner Order Pickup Window

“You mean I get a tub of Wal-Mart Great Value Claw Crab Meat if I buy another video? Hmmmmm, let’s see, I’ll take Milford Substitute Teachers in Playland. I’ve never seen them naked before, this ought to be interesting.”

Mimi and the kids come through the sliding doors, right behind a senior citizen couple picking up their Swift Spiral Ham and Pumpkin Pie Dinner for the Milford Senior Center Christmas Shindig

There he is, Mommy, behind those two old ladies tonguing each other.”

“GIL!!!!!!!! What are you doing here???? Didn’t I tell you not to ever come back to a place like this????”

“Mimi, when I saw their ads in the newspaper for Holiday Orders, they were too hard to pass up. They beat Kroger and Safeway and IGA like a drum. Look at this, you don’t have to spend a fortune to order Filet Mignon in Brandy Peppercorn Sauce and with the relatives coming over, I can make that a Christmas treat and also get a Erectile Defibrillator to take care of the irregular rhythms in my wee wee. I can get it on with you tonight and chop some wood and not have to worry about the wood smashing the vanity mirror. One flick of the switch on this defibrillator and I am pumping without having to swallow Halley’s M-O.”

“Daddy, it says you get free ice cream and a vibrator with a Christmas Order of Lobster Tails. Can I have rocky road?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, leave with me this instant!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, come on, Honey, a man has to do what he has to do. And when he can get an early jump on Christmas Dinner orders at loss leader prices, it’s a no-brainer. I’m going to get my turkey and my pelvic thrusts in order too. They’re gonna love the Wild Caught Atlantic Salmon at the faculty party. And I got it in one package deal. Salmon, tartar sauce, hush puppies, slaw, plus the XXX-certified bondage kit. They even threw in an order of peanut brittle, they’re so into the Holiday Spirit.”

“Mommy, can I play with this masssge toy? I’m getting good vibrations on my wee wee. Nice and solid.”

“PUT THAT DOWN, JAIME!!!!!!!!!! Gil, look what you’ve done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now he’ll be bragging about how he got ecstasy. What do I tell the neighbors?”

“Shoot, he’s got to learn about the birds and the bees and the Tonka Toys they use sooner or later.”

“Gil, do you want me to tell the neighbors that you and your son are using the same Tonka Toys to get the same result?”

“She had me there. And Mimi special-ordered Turkey Dinners from IGA and picked up the EREC-3500 medications from Milford Men’s Clinic the same day. Great way to spend the holidays, feasting at the table and feasting in bed. Both were finger-lickin’ good. Get more than a drumstick at Milford Men’s Clinic and watch your sex life skyrocket. Only at The Clinic.”

GIVE ME GIL OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You didn’t hear me say that, Gang. Hopefully.

God bless you all.

“What do you mean I’m past the deadline on refunds for this Lobster Tail Special?”

Problems, problems

A hundred million plots fly

Away

Away

Away…

9 Comments »

  1. Okay, Scott… Breathe in and breathe out (yes, Scott is my real name)…

    1. Wow… I guess for starters I got to give at least a little credit to Rubin because I wouldn’t have guessed “McGill” in a hundred years… Now with that out the way, if Chance the Gardener isn’t the most ignorant, hypocritical, entitled, self-important, self-righteous, whiny insufferable smug prick asshole coward to ever put on a Mudlarks uniform, I don’t know who is… I daresay even Peppermint Patty wasn’t this bad on her worst days!

    2. And just like Peppermint Patty, this utter shitshow is what happens when naïve high school senior athletes make their college choices with zero input or guidance from an adult or guardian.

    3. For starters, Chance the Gardener could have just said “I’m going to play for McGill up in Montreal! Wish me luck!” and just ended it there since 99% of his classmates/teammates wouldn’t even know what the hell McGill is… But no, Mister Antisocial, Mister Wants-to-Avoid-the-Spotlight had to stand up and announce the most fucked-up rationale for attending a program since Tru Stanish choosing Wake Freaking Forest all because of their “pretty campus”… I REALLY wish Chance could listen to himself right now: “I’m going eleven hundred miles from Milford to play for a school none of y’all have heard of because it has a giant enrollment and football is really unpopular there!” DID HE REALLY SAY THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE TO GILBERTO AND DID GILBERTO REALLY GIVE HIS BLESSING FOR THIS BATSHIT INSANITY?! DID HE NOT EVEN TRY TO TELL HIM TO RECONSIDER? FOR GOD’S SAKE A COACH AND MENTOR IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TRUSTED SOURCE FOR REASON COMMON FUCKING SENSE!

    4. As an aside, I do love the fact that Wake finally got good after their supposed QB savior Truman Standish finally left…

    5. Motherfucking Chance, you realize you could have attended an infinite number of Division II programs if you wanted to play in quiet, sparsely-attended stadiums… Hell, there are plenty of Power Five schools with huge enrollments and sucky, poorly attended football programs (SEE: My beloved University of Kansas in Lawrence).

    6. For that matter, why did Chance even attend Milford? Certainly there’s some smaller backwoods or private schools somewhere in his region without Milford’s constant sellout crowds and dedicated radio broadcast… And last I fucking checked, despite being a three-year starter for the Mudlarks with a fair degree of success, it’s not like Chance was some ultracool popular All-American Mr. Everything who all the bros wanted to hang with and who all the cheerleaders wanted to screw….

    7. It’s funny because I’m betting he doesn’t speak a word of Quebecois…

    8. It’s funny because Chance is a running back (but not a coast-to-coast gamebreaker with elite speed; no he’s a damned plodding methodical ball-control RB chopping off 4-5 yards per carry on a good night and occasionally catching out of the backfield) and last I checked this playstyle was antithetical to the more wide-open, pass-happy Canadian rules of football… But then, maybe that was his plan all along??

    9. Of course, in retrospect this makes that little whiny passive-aggressive theater Chance put on for his meeting with the recruiter from State University Polytechnic all the more inexplicable and unforgiveable…

    10. What offends me the most is Chance’s unquestioned assumption that he’s going to be some kind of hyperstar rewriting the record books so that’s why he needs to attend McGill, don’t you see?? Then he’ll have his cake and eat it too by dominating on the field every Saturday and having his blessed “anonymity” on campus the rest of the week since football isn’t a way of life the way it is in the American South and Midwest…

    11. It’s funny because evidently Chance doesn’t give a shit about football, yet nobody has clued him in that he could have been just as “anonymous” buried in the depth chart at any Power Five program… Because I promise you there are a bunch of “anonymous” players at Clemson or wherever despite being “High School Player of the Year” or something similar in their respective home states… And even most college stars usually have a fair degree of “anonymity” on campus unless their highlights or interviews are being shown on SportsCenter all week or they’re going for the Heisman or they’re a surefire Top-10 NFL Draft Pick….

    12. I just don’t get it… Why does Chance the Gardener even NEED his “anonymity” in the first place? Were his parents celebrities? Is he a fugitive from the law? Was he once a really popular child TV actor? I’m only asking because I’m going to assume at some point in the near future Chance the Gardener might hope for a decent-looking female student to caress his peener… Maybe things are different on campus nowadays, but I seem to remember girls not being all that big on “anonymous” face-in-the-crowd dudes who are indistinguishable from anyone else… And I’ll tell you one more thing: Someday, Chance the Gardener will finish his football days, graduate from McGill, and most likely spend the bulk of his life as some nameless, faceless office drone working for The Man… And guaran-fucking-tee you that after a decade or two of that Chance will be willing to trade his soul for something, anything that would recapture that moment of feeling unique and special and worthy of attention, if only for a half-hour… And that’s when he’ll realize the only surefire way anybody in his position can be remembered is to go out in a shooting spree…

    13. Just because it bears repeating: “Grandma, granddad, Gilberto, Kazuo, all my teammate bros, and all you other random kids in this lunch period who couldn’t care less: I’ve decided to take my talents to McGill University in Montreal! You know, up in Canada! I’m doing this because even though I love football, I don’t necessarily love playing for a good team with a killer gameday atmosphere in front of 100,000 people with the whole country watching on ABC Sports! And while we’re on the subject I’m not that big a fan of the American-style rules for football even though it’s all I’ve ever played in my life… And the best part is every time I step off campus, damn near everybody will be speaking a language I don’t understand! It’s all a dream come true and words can’t express how I’m feeling in this moment!!!” NOW TELL ME DOES IT MAKE ANY MORE SENSE THAN IT DID BEFORE?

    Comment by hitorque — November 30, 2021 @ 11:56 am

  2. Take off, eh! You hoser!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 30, 2021 @ 12:27 pm

  3. Obviously, there’s no supervision in that lunchroom, the way kids stand on tables with their street shoes whenever it suits them. Hopefully, Chance goes to Canada sooner rather than later, ends this story, and we can get introduced to Rubin’s next, new, idiotic character. Kianna needs to go to another country too.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 30, 2021 @ 1:11 pm

  4. Its name was McGill
    Though it called itself Lill,
    But everyone knew him as Chancy.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 30, 2021 @ 1:52 pm

  5. I guess this explains why Whigham keeps drawing Canadian footballs in this strip.

    McGill football, of course, is moderately famous for playing against Harvard in what many claim to be the first intercollegiate North American-style football game. They are not so famous for winning, because they haven’t done much of it in nearly 2 decades. I have an uncle who went to McGill, actually. His children believe “Canadian Football” is soccer.

    Comment by billytheskink — November 30, 2021 @ 4:19 pm

  6. @ hitorque… IU Bloomington is one of those big schools where football is not big shit. When my son went there, you couldn’t even dream of getting basketball tickets unless you caved in to the school’s strong arm tactics and purchased football tickets as well. CM could play there and not be noticed to be the pussy he is.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 30, 2021 @ 5:40 pm

  7. Nice pull from the R.E.M. back catalog there, tdrew. Nice shout out to The Human Highlight Film as well.

    Comment by teenchy — November 30, 2021 @ 9:37 pm

  8. You all did super today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hitorque, I LOVE your thorough analysis. It’s a slow death on the idiocies of Thorpiverse. I read your stuff and learn. Keep this coming. You have a great gift for writing.
    Moon, what can I say? That was clever. I loved it. And off of a classic from The White Album no less. You KNOW I love to read your witticisms and contributions. They make my day.
    Billy, thank you for your loyal support. It has kept me rollin’. I love your statistics and they are a definite welcome on this site. You help bring this all together.
    Jive Turkey, Keep comin’ at Gil. I love your brashness and timely comments. It’s a dangerous combination and a danger I am more than willing to egg on. You da Man.
    Frank, I am NOT going to argue with you on IU Football(ha ha) especially this year. Even during the Lee Corso and Bill Mallory years, Indiana was not up to snuff. Only Gil is worse than IU on the gridiron(ha). Keep up your hard hat approach.

    God bless you all. You make my day.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 2, 2021 @ 3:03 pm

  9. Teenchy, I apologize a million times over(pardon the pun). I got brain lock and didn’t mean to overlook you, My Man.
    And THANK YOU profusely for the REM video. It was a terrific add and I loved watching the show like anything with REM. You picked a grade A production for the post.
    You have VERY supportive and I thank you for the kind note in this post and at other times. I never take your graciousness for granted. Keep those videos coming.
    You da Man.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 2, 2021 @ 4:12 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: