The Story Has Ended GET ON WITH BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!

I loved the movie “The Love Bug”. There was a scene when the hero is at his nadir and his Chinese friend makes a pungently accurate comment: “When the story has ended, close the book.”

And my o my, do we need to put the clamps on this. There isn’t a trap door big enough to kill this farce and bury it out of existence. If my fate has to be decided at my high school cafeteria table, Heaven help me. I couldn’t imagine being overrun by ancient Romans in rebellion against my administration and having to turn to friend-turned-traitor and exclaim “Et tu, Brutus?” while standing on the faculty cafeteria table. Moreover, George Washington had turned back the British and wanted to keep it going. Trouble was, he was deep in what was to be later officially New Jersey and enlistments were up for several of the soldiers. And it was Christmas and everybody wanted to go home. It was a tough sell to get everybody to stay the course but it would have been a tougher sell if he had stood on top of the Yoo Hoo! machine in a random high school cafeteria. I stand upon the condiment table to entreat you to reconsider. Oh sure, I’ll stick around and cross the frigid Delaware and attack them Commies at Trenton. Would you throw me a ketchup, BTW? And General Washington, do you know you have Paul Newman’s Dijon Mustard on your boots?

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford XXX Theater 24-Hour Buffet Cited For Eleven Food Violations By Milford Health Board!!!!!!!!!!!”

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“XXX Spokesperson: “We left the turkeys sitting while the cooler room experienced an electrical short. We called a journeyman electrician. And we hired a janitor to sweep the pick-up area and the entrance to the theater.”

The Chance Stance is admirable and I appreciate his reaching out to someone in her time of need. But again, there are pep rallies for these sort of things. Really no need to stand on a picnic table in the middle of the gym and sing the praises of Kianna getting off the mat and facing herself in the mirror and uttering “No mas”.

Kianna, I hate to break this to you but as I’m willing to concede that expectations from your teammates and coaches were high in relation to you, in the end, you imposed uber-expectations on yourself, many unrealistic or downright silly (the gymnastic maneuver comes to mind) , and no oratory during 3rd Period Lunch on the hall monitor desk is going to alter the obvious.

We are not only having to bear some surly butthole who blew off recruiters who had good intentions and even better laid-out plans that would have given Chance a beneficial academic and athletic career, but then when he makes Kianna the victim when she was the culprit who overworked the victim, it makes me want to throw my Dolly Madison Snack Cake at him.

If ya stand on a picnic table ta sing tha praises of tha itch medicine that ya bought from Milford Pharmacy cuz it not only got rid of tha itch but all them pimples on yore butt, ya might be a redneck.

CAN WE SWITCH THE CHANNEL TO BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!!

Many times TV stations will switch a blowout in a basketball game to a more exciting game where the score is tight. But P2 is like CBS continuing to broadcast Indiana running up the score on Nebraska Wesleyan Tech Welding Department Night School at Scottsbluff when Kentucky and Tennessee are in a smackdown at Rupp Arena. Trust me, UK and UT fans would not be watching the Indiana runaway.

You’ve made your point, McGill University is where you want to ply your trade, though playing in front of a fan base that is less than 1/10th the capacity is increasingly puzzling to me, but diff’rent strokes for diff’rent strokes. Security won’t have to worry about fans storming the field on a bad call or dramatic victory. Just round up the 10 fans, put ’em in the paddy wagon and focus on next week. Anyway, bailing out someone who essentially brought it on herself makes good theater when an actor gets up and announces a Lifetime Achievement Award for Buddy Hackett even after his last 10 films were cherry bombs but it’s pretty damn rancid for Kianna. Yes, she learned from it but no more Next Time She’ll Guard Keith Smart Tighter speeches, puhhhhh-lllleasssseeee.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford XXX Theater 24-Hour Buffet To Offer Special Rates In Their Customer Rewards Program On All Christmas Turkeys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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“XXX Spokesperson: ‘We want our loyal customers to be justly compensated for their unwavering devotion by allowing them to enjoy ‘Last Tango in Paris’ at Yuletide while the bird is being carved and served.'”

And I’m going to say “No more” if this bull of a burlesque is going to continue. For once, the earring is well-proportioned, not an icicle dangling from the lobe ready anytime to sink the Titanic. But naturally, the inmates are still running the prison because Gil and Mimi spent more time at the computer and were totally oblivious to the shenanigans in the cafeteria.

“Why are so many people congregating around Chance and Kianna?”

“Coach, Chance popped the question and Kianna said ‘Hell yes’.”

“And they didn’t mail me an invitation?”

Open your eyes, Gil, you’re missing a good game.

In Dr. Pearl’s office

“Do I know where the University of British Columbia is? No, but I can check my AAA atlas in the drawer. Aren’t they the Tiger-Cats?”

Where in the name of Henry “Hank” Finkel did we get this notion that Chance is quiet and a hard egg to open up? Last year, he was unsure of himself and with Bully Ballard trying to promote his own stock, that certainly intensified the problem. And I’ll even throw in, from my recollection, a bit shy and reserved. Living with your grandparents with no evidence of parental support will make a person that way.

But calling him taciturn is so inaccurate but not surprising given Thorpiverse’s flippant dalliance with reality. If I say he’s quiet, by gum HE’S QUIET.

You don’t need to shout, T-verse.

A recruiter comes in and broaches the subject about your outstanding record in academics so it’s not like he was fast-forwarding to get to football. And he basically said that he made no guarantees as good coaches will do. Bob Knight never guaranteed ANY player when he was recruiting them that they would start. That’s what players liked about him. He was honest. And so was this recruiter.

But you were the one who blew him off, Chance. Don’t go running to the NFL in a few years and blame others when you get cut in the first round. You want to play in a no-pressure atmosphere, something you have hinted at a couple of times, fine with me. But that doesn’t make you quiet, that just makes you unwilling to play in the Rose Bowl or for the Old Oaken Bucket because at this point, you’d rather not handle the heat. If you are truly serious about playing for bigger stakes, take your foot out of your mouth the next time the recruiter stops by.

But maybe that’s why everybody says you’re quiet.

“And we’ll be back to see whether Kianna pursues her gymnastics career at University of Manitoba or Moose Jaw Provincial College after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Golly gee, Kianna has a tough call and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes. I will support her either way because competing on the collegiate level is a wonderful experience. I might still have my head buried in the garage like I’ve had it all season long but I had to clean the grass off the weed-eater. Man, scraping green stains off a Poulan will curtail your coaching career, no question.

But I didn’t come to waste your time talking about how many somersaults Kianna will do in Moose Jaw. Hi, this Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and with Christmas right around the corner, people are special-ordering their Christmas turkeys and hams and The Warehouse wants to help these people because they are our customers. Besides, we heard The Bucket bad-mouthing us and saying we couldn’t sell a Butterball to Ozzie and Harriett. We intend to deflect this unfair batch of crapola and show we know how to booze it up and have our wishbone too.

I heard through a little birdie that The Bucket attempted a campaign where if you special-order your turkey before December 15th, you’d get a free Bucket Tenderloin Combo, Bucket Buffalo Fries and Bucket Slaw included. Okay, fair enough, but they pulled a fast one when you couldn’t get a substitute if The Bucket ran out of Bucket Buffalo Fries. You just took your short-handed Bucket Tenderloin Combo and liked it. They even charged extra for the mints. And God knows if they stuffed croutons or shotgun shells in the turkey. Too much adventure at Christmas for me. I’d rather be at Milford Bingo Parlor.

But there are no trap doors at Milford Beverage Warehouse. If you special-order your Christmas turkey or ham before December 15th, The Warehouse will take 50% off Michelob Ultra or Bud Light in the 24-Pak, hoo boy, a dilly of a deal if I ever saw one. Won’t it be nice to baste the turkey and unwind with a Bud and not have to worry about maxing out on the Milford Beverage Warehouse Debit Card? I’ll sit in the recliner and play Uno with the relatives until it’s time to juice the bird again with a lot less on my financial plate.

And why is The Bucket using Uber and Lyft drivers to deliver their merchandise? I don’t even want to talk about that Canadian Ham that got ruined, not to mention all the Bucket Swedish Meatballs that got all over the dashboard. I’m willing to bet Milford Municipal Sanitation Agency got grossed out cleaning all that Waldorf salad off the bushes. The Bucket didn’t do a background check? Because the driver had just barely graduated from defensive driving school.

At The Warehouse, our drivers are licensed and bonded and are scrutinized at the door for B.O. I heard one customer compliment our drivers for smelling like Lifebuoy when they received their Christmas Broasted Chicken Order and discounted Maker’s Mark Whiskey. These are encouraging words because Christmas should be a time of celebration, not a time to express concern that the driver never heard of Old Spice and is on a suspended license.

And if you order before the deadline, not only will you get your ham and Kendall Jackson Vintner’s Reserve Chardonnay Buttercream Blance du Bois at a budget-sensitive price, The Warehouse will throw in absolutely free Milford Valley Premium Fruit Cake. Hey, we’re trying to warm you up to the holiday spirit unlike The Bucket that bought all their fruit cake from The Salvation Army. And they were about to throw it out before The Bucket intervened. I’ll take Kim Crawford Sauvignon over generic fruit cake any day.

What more can be said? The Bucket needs to get out of fruit cake and Bucket Clam Chowder Combo’s and stick to teeny boppers and leave The Good Life to the adult world. Get your Christmas and booze in the same sleigh and go ho ho ho even when you’re sober and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

I don’t care what you think, Chance will not have a quiet career at McGill University. I don’t think he’ll be standing on the bleachers to brag about his stats anyway. So there, Gang.

God bless you, anyway.

At the Pearl house

DING DONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Pearl residence?”

“Yes.”

“Here’s your peach cobbler and a voucher for Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon. Sorry we forgot to stuff the turkey with bagel spread.”

“Quite all right. Here’s a tip.”