This Week in Milford

January 11, 2022

She’s Got No Reservations.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:05 pm

I hear some news, I read the words

It’s BS every day

I pull my thoughts from this plotline that’s lost

That someone should throw away

It says “Just give up, tho you can’t get away”

My thought is now deflated

Now at its best, the plot’s second-guessed

And never should we have waited

Never changes, the trash I feel inside

Sit in my couch and cry

Like a shingle on a roof in a windstorm

This plot cut loose and fly

At Milford Comedy Club

“…and she asked us, ‘Who wants to stay after practice and work on pick-and-rolls?’ And I answered, ‘What do we look like, Husker Du after Bob Mould and Grant Hart ditched the band????'”

Silence Silence

“I’ll Tell You Why Tomorrow” from Warehouse: Songs and Stories blares from the loudspeaker

Today’s offering reminds me of those old Trident commercials of the early ’70’s where Mom pops in the living room and asks ‘Who wants gum?” and all the kiddies responded “I DO!!!!! I DO!!!!!”. And Santa passes out the toys and candy and, of course, gum. Only this time, anyone volunteering this time will be rewarded with more mature tastes, in this case, Coffee-of-your-Choice at Coffee Cantina. Personally, I couldn’t dole out Trident Raspberry to Beaver and Wally, let alone Maxwell House, and the stakes to obtain the reward spiked to utmost proportions. After going through two hours of Hell at Coach Knight’s practice, if Quinn Buckner were to come up to me in the locker room and say he’ll treat me to Starbucks White Chocolate Latte if I stay 45 more minutes and work on blocking out, I’d have to pass. I believe in being the first there, last to leave as long as my sanity leaves along with it.

Give credit to Landry Carlsson who is showing why and how she was holding her ground the other day. Extra times in the gym does indeed pay off. But she’s responding as if she’d be content with a stick of gum after enduring another Coach Knight walk-through. Sure, Landry, I’ll get that gumball out of the machine. Nice screen on that St. Rita’s player. Way to knock her into the cotton candy stand. Shoot, that’s worth two gumballs.

“Here, Beaver, here’s a Snickers. Way to knock Eddie Haskell on his ass on that Give-and-Go.”

“Gee, Dad, thanks. You’re the best. Eddie should be out of the hospital in a couple of days.”

“Now don’t you worry about Eddie. And if you get 10 points today, I’ll give you a 3 Musketeers.”

“Gosh, Beaver, you may be a clueless dope but you got game.”

“Thanks, Wally.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coffee Cantina Filing Suit In Milford Superior Over Contract Dispute With Husker Du!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Business claims not enough ‘New Day Rising’ CD’s were supplied to Milford Basketball teams for giving that extra effort.”

Is this going to be a strange sort of Bermuda Triangle? Players that don’t show up for the Cathy-Landry-Hollis (oops, CAPTAIN Hollis, my bad) Show will disappear and not start in the next game? Their body appears in the woods behind somebody’s farm about a month later? Cathy-Landry-Hollis pull a Sergeant Schultz on us? Oh, sure, Colonel Klink, I’ll get the rest of my men at Diving For Loose Balls drill at the prison rec hall if you can get Sergeant Schultz to look the other way when we’re checking in Bucket Burgers at the Prison Gate. The constant Sauerkraut and Kartoffeln Diet is beginning to wear thin. My men need a little variety. Of course, Colonel Hogan. Would you like Schultz to have his Kopf up his Esel when you also smuggle in Bucket Shakes?

And Coach Mimi won’t be there but she’ll take all the glory when they start winning but absolve herself of any responsibility when three girls are discovered in body bags in the storage closet. I didn’t think the stench from the corpses were from the basketballs. I know some of my ladies like to take charge but they would never call Goodfellas. Somebody just got the Lady Mudlarks and volleyballs confused. Way to go the extra mile, Cathy-Landry-Hollis.

If ya dump the deer in the sewer pipes and cover it up with enough dirt to cover China because the deer had rabies and ya still wanted ta not get in trouble with the Game Warden for bein’ over tha bag limit, ya might be a redneck.

All overblown, and some corn on the court

Mimi is out of line

Her dented playbook, immaculate ruckus

As if this was by design

Broken-down vibes stabbing us in the back

We’re hanging out to dry

And some of this barren, all of this bunk

Lay it on the pan to fry

Never changes, the muck I feel inside

Cry in my beer to die

Like a shingle on a roof of Gil’s house

God, cut this loose and fly

Am I reading this correctly? Hollis did some soul-searching the other day and that’s what the greats do, they despise losing so they take a gut-check to stop the bleeding. Michael Jordan and Le Bron James have been compared favorably for no other reason than they confirmed what I just mentioned. Losing was not in their vocabulary and never let their teammates get settled into losing habits. While they weren’t coaches, they practically dictated who got cut loose from the team if they were part of the problem rather than part of the solution. In the ’80’s when the Lakers were dominating every night, Jamaal Wilkes, a standout who helped UCLA achieve their own dynasty, had noticeably slowed a step and was becoming an albatross around the Lakers’ neck. Magic Johnson, the architect of all the Lakers’ NBA Titles, was not the coach but might as well have been. His message was “You want to continue to see Showtime, some people gotta go.” Wilkes went. Sad, because a great player I respected deeply for his great personality and great game limped like a wounded deer in a game reserve. Another story involves Michael Jordan when he was with the Bulls. Bill Wennington had just been acquired and his first night rode the bench to get used to Phil Jackson’s system. It’s late in the game, the Bulls are doing their usual stomping of the opponent, and Jordan is pulled from the game. He sits right next to Wennington, puts his arm around him and simply says “I hate losing”.

Therefore, I admire Hollis’ desire to get better and help the team win along the way. But then we get accosted with Cathy’s answers which reminded me of Corina and her viral retorts. Like Cathy and Corinavirus had been hot and heavy calling each other long-distance to see who could outbarb each other the best. Then spewing the results on the pizza.

“You know how you can help the team? Stop tipping the Domino’s driver so much. Damn, girl, that was coming out of our Uniform Fund. We’ll be wearing farmer’s overalls if you keep giving the driver all those Grants.”

Oh, there’s more

“And sit up. Don’t slouch. Do you eat like that at the dinner table? I’ve seen baboons at Milford Zoological Gardens with better table manners. Donkeys in the Petting Zoo don’t munch so loudly when they eat pepperoni or slurp their Diet Coke so loud. And wipe your mouth. You look like a zebra at feeding time.

On a roll

“And did you fart? Girl, the refs’ll make you sit for a possession if you keep bombing away like that. You need to wash them pits with more than a Handi-Wipe. I’ll stick plenty of Ban Roll-On in your locker so that you don’t knock ’em dead when we’re shooting free throws.”

Then there’s today.

Hollis begins to take charge like all champions do and when people like Landry see the leadership being displayed so scintillatingly, Hollis suddenly pulls the rug and reverts to Droopy the Dog.

Oh, I was just kidding. You really don’t have to be out there. We won’t twist anybody’s arm and Coach Mimi is at home watching “Dallas” anyway. You don’t have to have a reservation to be out there and you don’t even have to be out there at all. Hollis is like that bank president in a SNL sketch when Eddie Murphy becomes a white man (“Mr. White”) to prove a point that white people get privileges barred to blacks, a point well-taken BTW. That said, Hollis is handing all this money to Mr. White that’s supposed to be a loan until Hollis eventually says “You pay it back, that’s great. Or don’t. Here at Milford Federal, it doesn’t matter. The customer is always right.”

I mean, this is basically what Hollis and Corinavirus Junior are saying to the troops in P2. Get your ass in the gym. But only if you feel like it. Elevating “Taking charge” to new heights.

“Most certainly, Mr. White, I’ll talk with Coach Thorp about putting your child on the team. When does he get his release from Milford Reformatory?”

“Early next week, Dr. Pearl.”

Then there’s Landry’s hair. Maybe it’s just me but I find it hard to work on cuts and screens with a char-broiled scalp on my person. Do I dare go to one of Coach Carril’s practices at Princeton and perform a backdoor cut after I’d stuck my hair in the pizza oven? I’m all for optional practices and giving your all at these practices; I’m a firm believer in “Character is what you are when no one is looking”. I just prefer to keep my hair and my character from bring thrown in your local incinerator. An easy two from a famed Pete Carril backdoor cut and kicking Dartmouth’s ass and my hair still residing on top, now that’s the ticket.

On the verandah in Gil’s back yard, Husker Du’s “No Reservations” blasting from the boom box

“Mimi, shouldn’t you be at practice?”

“Nah, Hollis and Cathy drew straws who was going to coach the offense. This’ll teach them about leadership.”

And where are Hollis and Cathy going with those four mega-size coffee cups, now that six of the Lady Mudlarks, or four are actually taking them up on the offer, the other two apparently broight their own coffee? Or maybe they hit the liquor store and snuck in the whiskey when the Coffee Cantina owner wasn’t looking? Either way, WHERE are the OTHER Lady Mudlarks sitting? Are they sitting outside? They can’t be sitting by Guy With Shoe Big Enough For A Pitcher Of House-Brewed Strawberry Earl Grey Tea. Maybe they’re sitting by the guy with the Coffee Cantina mug flashed across the screen. Hey, this Bud’s for you, Cathy and Hollis, for instigating incentive to get Lady Mudlarks to make that extra backdoor cut. We may never know, the Lady Mudlarks may be hiding under the table somewhere in the room. Yeah, like I can’t be seen by my friends drinking Hills Coffee with a couple of Pizza Nerds. What would the other Valley girls think? Like omigod.

Maybe they went back to the gym for more work on cutting and screening. Make Coach Knight proud, that sort of thing.

“And we’ll return from the Coffee Cantina Flower Hour, Husker Du our featured guest, after these messages. You’re listening to WDIG, Official Sponsor of the Husker Du Mudlarks Are Mud + Larks Tour.”

“I wish I was at that concert. I understand the concert was so loud, they had to move the coffee mugs outside because the staff was tired of sweeping all the glass off the floor. I wouldn’t want Nescafe all over my Haggar slacks.

But enough of Bob Mould smashing his guitar like Pete Townshend into the bagel machine. Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And our company is concerned about the rash of gambling addictions where people are losing their cars, homes, scholarships, family albums, pets, over careless gaming techniques. Shoot, if these addicts are spending dollars on the roulette wheel, that’s less money for sausage. We don’t want our business to get sent to the slaughterhouse along with the hogs.

Therefore, we want to do our part to rectify the situation. That’s why we have partnered with Milford Casino Adventures and Milford Lottery Commission to bring you the best sausage and gambling experience in one shopping trip.

So now until Valentine’s Day, if you buy a lottery ticket at the usual price, your friendly neighborhood grocer will give you absolutely free a package of Gil Thorp Pure Smoked Italian Sausage. You can curb your gambling itch and get some sausage patties frying on the grill, boy o boy. Add some pancakes and a healthy portion of Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup and brother, you got a meal.

And your days of betting on the Georgia-Alabama game while your kids are doing their homework in Hooverville are over. If you place a bet with the agent at Milford Casino Adventures for the standard betting line with no extra money spent to cover the spread, you will receive absolutely free Gil Thorp Pure Hot ‘n’ Nasty Reduced Fat Sausage. Man, aren’t you living large here? Getting peace of mind that Duke will carry out the prediction over Arkansas Wesleyan A & M at Blytheville and being able to feed a family of four after all the trips to Milford Soup Kitchen, my heart is truly encouraged.

And if you hit the slot machine that automatically shuts off after you’ve thrown $50 worth of tokens in the contraption, Milford Casino Adventures will compensate you with a voucher for Gil Thorp Premium Sage Calcium Enriched Sausage. I’d like to believe I can know when to say when and get my shopping list checked off. And with Super Bowl parties coming up, you know Gil Thorp Pure Pork Veggie Lovers Sausage and nacho cheese dip will complement those Totino’s Supreme Pizzas. Yum yum.

We here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage don’t want you literally sent down the river because you ran up a gambling tab. Come in and get your lottery ticket and breakfast on the run and kill two problems with one stone. That’s the safest bet I’ll ever make.”

Gang, the Lady Mudlarks are not in the bathroom. How are you going to fit six in one stall? Coffee Cantina has standards, y’know. But God bless you, anyway, Gang.

“No, Mr. White, for you, the Peppermint Pot o’ Coffee is on the house. And the cherry danish.”

“Do I still have to pay for the Sunday Milford Enquirer?”

“…and if we’re together

We’ll have a happy time

She’s got no reservations…”

3 Comments »

  1. Well, y’all…, what’s Gomer Pyle gonna’ do every time she decides that she needs to be “captain-ish”? Treat everyone who hangs around to free coffee? That’s gonna’ get real expensive, real fast, but of course, in Rubin’s world, thanks to an hour or two of this extra practice, this team will be spanking everyone from upstate NY in no time with really slick “cuts and screens”. Worst of all, Mimi will just think it’s her exceptional coaching skills mixed in with Gil’s advice that’s the reason for the good season. Maybe they will be so good, that Pranit will start makin’ book around town on the MHS girls.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 11, 2022 @ 3:39 pm

  2. Will Captain Candy Ass narc on those who didn’t stick around for cuts and screens? MUTINY !!!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 11, 2022 @ 5:08 pm

  3. Frank and Jive Turkey, Thank you, as always, for your input and, as always, it was excellent. You have always made my posts that much sweeter and it is truly appreciated. On a grander scale, you helped Democracy live another day.
    I stand by our TWIMer readers. Our contributors have been at this for several years and we are the best comedy site, especially in the comic strip satire department, in the business. We couldn’t be #1 without you readers. And especially Frank and Jive Turkey who make this the #1 site thatcit is with their funny, poignant, and hard-hitting analyses. Keep itvup.

    God bless you, Gang. we are #1 because YOU are #1.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 15, 2022 @ 8:09 pm


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