This Week in Milford

January 13, 2022

Even Plots Have Permanent Off Nights.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:02 pm

We were expecting Hollis Talley, in accordance with her Air Force outlook on things, to take this runaway bull and drag it back to the corral where it belonged. But nooooooooo, Cathy Sasaki is becoming the new Barry Bader and flouting her sniveling snot mentality on parade. Want a little more cheese and a Bucket Shake with that whine, Gil?

And she is rolling out the laundry list today. Cressa Baxter was Michael Jordan last year but Hank Finkel this year. Man, if she’d have practiced rolling that tractor tire in the mud a few more reps, she might have been able to back down the New Thayer center all night. And Maddie Bloom is super in practice but chokes like a bad muffler in the game. I knew we were in for a long night when she couldn’t even bank one in during the lay-up drill. Rebound drill was atrocious. She almost ran into the water fountain trying to track one down. Landry Carlson needs to file her nails cleaner. And use Breath Mints. We don’t want the refs to make her sit a possession until she gets that halitosis out of her mouth.

Really, Cathy should have asked the question the other day about leadership. How can I be the worst pain in the butt and grate the readers’ and my teammates’ nerves and grate in such a way so I sound like Dino yapping to Fred at feeding time? What can I do to sound off in the bus and act like a horse’s ass doing it and still get Coach Mimi on my side? Breast-beating to issues that really won’t help in the Valley Conference race but sounds good and harping on a teammate’s cologne or another teammate’s failure to air the ball up properly intensifying my desire to breast beat even if Coach Mimi has told me to put a lid on it 8 times? Cathy, keep asking the question, just do it in the back of the bus and let the rest of the readers sleep in peace.

Oh, and Corina Karenna should pass the ball more. And wear better sneakers. Those rags apparently went through the dryer after she walked the entire length of the Great Wall of China in them and the squirrel running the dryer keeled over of a heart attack. Wait a minute, Corina is in New York. Oh well, I need to stay in character. Hollis and Mimi aren’t doing anything but SAYING they’re a leader. Talk is cheap and so are Corina’s sneakers.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Cathy Sasaki Denied Filing For Candidacy On Library Board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They couldn’t handle my constant inventory methods plus my insistence they remove Milford Statistical Quarterly from the shelf.”

The bus arrives to Milford High and it appears Thorpiverse wants you to get acclimated to a campus feel. So the buildings straight ahead on the surface look part of that campus atmosphere T-verse is attempting to convey. But then M.C. Escher rears its ugly head and suddenly we are faced with a portion of that atmosphere, the middle part, that looks either to be the wall of the first building venturing into the background or looks to be the weirdest catwalk within a 50-mile radius between the two buildings. Do you go up the downstairs or down the upstairs? At least windows were installed in case we lose perspective and panic. God knows I would not want the sun to be upside down when I’m looking outward. And don’t even hope it rains. Watching a deluge when drunk with Escher, no wonder why the ladies are clueless, even if Mimi can’t bail out and blame inverted structures for her incompetent coaching. That’s going down with no upside soon. Maddie can blame bad free throw shooting for being in that hallway too long but Mimi can’t blame her misguided play-calling on the bus getting bent out of shape once it enters the friendly confines. You might as well blame your Magic Marker, Mimi.

“No, really, Mr. White, anything here at The Bucket is free. You just take your time and order when you’re ready.”

“How about a Bucket Clam Chowder as an appetizer with plenty of Frank’s Hot Sauce dumped in?”

“Your wish is our command, Mr. White.”

Oh brother. Famous last words. Let Coach Mimi handle it. WHO the heck called for this practice which in itself did indeed show incentive but had to be called by Frick and Frack as Coach Older Frack went home, oblivious to nothing else than her grocery shopping list? Yeah right, as soon as she gets out of the Beer Cave at Milford IGA to get Gil’s favorite booze, she’ll sit down and sort out who was doing extra wind sprints. Once she gets the kids out of day care, she’ll work on making rebounding drills more interesting. And woe unto those who dog it. As soon as Coach Mimi leaves the Bridge Club meeting held monthly at Coffee Cantina, taking her lime cappuccino along with her, she will hunker down and separate the wheat from the chaff. She might even have to cut the player. If she buys a lime cappucino for you while you’re sitting in her office, you better brace yourself because the largesse is a precursor to some bad news. Your attitude sucks and so I’m letting you go. Don’t forget to take your cherry bagel with your cappuccino on the way out.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Refuses To Endorse Sasaki’s Ascension To The Milford Parks & Recreation Board!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I didn’t like her position on playing venues. Playing Flag Football on the Milford Elementary Soccer Field just to save a buck won’t cut it with me.”

SHE’S AWARE OF THE SITUATION???? SINCE WHEN???? Just because she is bitchin’ and bawlin’ about the team record doesn’t mean she knows THE REASON FOR THE RECORD.

When I was coaching in Babe Ruth Baseball, there was a coach carryin’ on one day and when our League President cornered him to ask what’s wrong, this coach complained about how his teams in the past just ran over the competition but now were losing more than usual and he couldn’t understand why his teams just couldn’t simply walk on the baseball diamond and just win.

Our president’s answer was priceless

“Coach, you have 1 manager, 2 assistant managers, and 15 players from the other team making sure you DON’T win.”

Mimi, you need to touch base with your players. Not go home and cry about how you don’t get no respect. You need to be at practice FIRST before you start worrying about respect. Plus, there’s 1 coach, 2 assistant coaches, and 15 players from New Thayer (or designated Valley Conference team in this case) out there to prevent you from winning. You can’t just Mimi your way on the court, especially after you’ve non-Mimi’d practice or even at a couple of games when, say, Corina was running the show.

So go handle your one player’s problem with her braces and suggest an orthodontist by giving her a phone book. . Pat a Mudlark Lady on the fanny when she picks up all the towels after the student trainer upped and quit. Buy a Diet Coke for your guard when she makes that extra pass. Just be there so you CAN handle it.

If yore coach finally shows up at yore 8th grade softball tournament after he done got posted bail for his 3rd DUI and is declared sober by the league to coach yore team, ya might be a redneck.

Everything is accounted for in P2 but what is that alien monster in the lower left hand corner? Early indications would say the Beef-a-Roni/Beef-o-Ghetti Monster of the ’70’s. How did it get off the bus and/or escape Cathy’s venom? It really couldn’t hide under the seat. Either way, you want to have practice for screening, with their girth, I’d be practicing setting screens on the whole New Thayer starting lineup. Lay-ups will be a cinch.

But then we get to where Mimi and Gil are crying in their beer and have the merchandise to cry with. Foster Brooks couldn’t have designed this vignette any better in P3; the only thing missing is the crying towel and Mimi may have that crammed up her butt in case her eyeball gets too lachrymose and her eye explodes out of its socket like it’s on the verge of doing in her kitchen.

And Gil has that “I was only going to ask where’s the pear that was in this fruit bowl next to me” look on his face. Sorry, Mimi, I know your team sucks. The Valley officials are pathetic. Where’s the remote? I was going to watch Wild Kingdom.

Just put your eyeball back in the socket and suck it in.

“And the final score, New Thayer, 68, Milford, 59. Too little, too late as New Thayer showed tonight why they were the favorites to win the conference. And all that extra time of Coach Mimi not being in the gym working with her players evidently did not pay off. I’ll have final stats after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Thorp household at 4:45PM, Sunday

“The other night, they were playing our song

Been out of coaching not too long

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow ooooooppp”

“Daddy, I gotta pee pee baddddddddds. Open the door.”

Gil, with the shower head blasting full steam ahead, is oblivious to Keri’s protests

“For sixty years, I have had no clue

But that never stopped me from jumping on you

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow oop”

Mimi can hear Gil’s awful rendition of Beach Boys “Getcha Back” even with the smoothie blender at full capacity in the kitchen. Enough is enough

“Gil, what is your problem? Keri’s head is swimming and I don’t want her watering my tulips again.”

“No problem, Honey. This Nestle Quik Male Enhancement Chocolate Drink Mix that I mail-ordered from Milford Wholesale Warehouse has me in a lather which is the idea. But the directions recommended taking cold showers and singing your ass off to your favorite hip-hop to further drive home the point. I hope you don’t mind chocolate on my breath because I’m driving home the point tonight in bed.

My thing was limp as Cool Whip in the bed

Tonight I’m gonna show you that it ain’t dead

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Bow bow bow oooooop”

“Gil, get your butt out of the bathroom now before I throw some Bad Vibrations at you. Keri needs to go now and if she pees on the floor, you’re cleaning it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh Dammit Woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve been freezing my ass off the last hour and a half and I intend to raise my game to peak performance. I’ll be Goose Givens and his UK Wildcats all over Duke in the ’78 Championship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m even gonna cut down the nets.”

“Mommy, I’m going to get some Nestle Quik Strawberry out of the cabinet and drink a gallon of that stuff. I wanna get some Good Vibrations just like Daddy and practice humping on Keri’s Cabbage Patch Dolls.”

“JAIME, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Though we’re hopelessly stuck in last place

I’ll be up and down at a feverish pace

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow ooooooop”

“Gil, did you even read the fine print on the package? It says product is non-refundable. You won’t be singing GETCHA BACK to the money order you sent.”

“She was right. And Nestle Quik and Male Enhancement Formula is like dumping Pepto-Bismol on popcorn. So I ate the charges and marched down to Milford Men’s Clinic to get my Good Vibrations without having to take showers in the Arctic Ocean. With treatment programs that are sure to please, isn’t it time for some Good Timin’? Come get some Fun, Fun, Fun at Milford Men’s Clinic today.”

Gang, that isn’t Nestle Quik Caramel that Mimi’s drinking out of the bottle. I’ve never know Nestle Quik to jerk an eyeball out of my head. I’ll admit it can make you a little hyper but you should be in one piece after drinking.

But God bless you anyway.

“When I was at a kid at the playground

I pretended that I wrestled you to the ground

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow oooooop”

“Gil, get out of the shower. I have a meeting tonight for my class reunion at Coffee Cantina.”

10 Comments »

  1. That is some incoherent bullshit in panel
    3. Hows Pranit doing?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 13, 2022 @ 3:00 pm

  2. Speaking of PP, the team could really use her right about now with an observant “..what was that, Cathy?…” comment

    Comment by franku2016 — January 13, 2022 @ 3:05 pm

  3. Who the hell is talking to Gil? That surely isn’t Mimi.

    Comment by MopMan — January 13, 2022 @ 4:35 pm

  4. Yeah, Mop…it don’t look like Mimi and what the heck is she talking about? A bunch of HS girls with a “whatever” attitude when someone like Admiral Hollis gives them some shit for not hustling, skipping her circle-jerk, or something else that they consider equally “lame”?

    Comment by franku2016 — January 13, 2022 @ 4:54 pm

  5. Is Mimi frustrated because they’re not playing well? “I talked to them and told them to play better, I don’t know what else I can do!”

    Comment by MopMan — January 13, 2022 @ 4:56 pm

  6. Hey Gil, poor me shot of that Kaopectate. You dumb ass!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 13, 2022 @ 5:28 pm

  7. And where was this Cathy last season, hmm? I’m with franku here; as much as we grew to loathe Corina, she’d put this rat in her place stat.

    Comment by teenchy — January 13, 2022 @ 9:21 pm

  8. So… This means Alliance Squadron Leader Hollis Tallie-Lintra was on the basketball team last year and evidently sat on her hands and yanked out her tongue while Peppermint Fucking Patty created a civil war and turned a potentially successful season into a shitstorm just because Motormouth Vic wasn’t announcing her name with the flamboyance she felt she deserved?? Where was her goddamn “leadership” and “discipline” then? Why was she not stomping Corina Karininininininnna’s ass into a muddy ditch!? I would have paid real American money to see that!

    And judging by the performance of her teams and the generally shitty attitudes of her players, maybe Gilbertina isn’t ready to be a high school coach? Maybe she needs to start back at square one and coach some Saturday rec league until she finally starts to figure it out?

    Comment by Hitorque — January 13, 2022 @ 10:53 pm

  9. Editor’s note: And I just want to set the record straight that while I’ve enjoyed coming up with mock names for AFA Cadet Hollis Talley, I do not in any way mean to defame by comparison the great Lieutenant Tallissan Lintra (Hermione Corfield) who is just too cute and an intergalactic sex machine…

    Comment by hitorque — January 14, 2022 @ 12:19 pm

  10. You did super, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Teenchy makes an excellent observation. Cathy seems to have flown in from Japan as an exchange student. The American is ruining the Gil Thorp plot in Tokyo somewhere. I’d say that’s an even exchange. Anyway, well done, My Man.
    Hitorque, no worries, you are brash and very outspoken(and I LOVE it) but I know you would never be offensive. Keep your comments coming, Big Guy. America needs you.

    You all did great. I am proud to stand by you all because you make this site go with your funny, well-thought-out commentary. I love to read your stuff. I watch and learn.

    God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 23, 2022 @ 2:25 pm


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