This Week in Milford

January 22, 2022

Tell It Like It is Saturday

Today’s strip features two characters hearing things about themselves they don’t really want to hear. But before we dive into today’s story and tacking onto robmize’s comment about fishwrap, I just gotta ask: has the Milford Star always been a tabloid? If so, then some things start making sense.

Not far away and across a river from where I live lies Mercer County, New Jersey, home to the state capital Trenton and served by two newspapers: The Times and The Trentonian. How such a small market can sustain two papers in this day and age is remarkable, but the answer is straightforward: while The Times played it straight offering Washington Post-style reporting, The Trentonian played it yellow and offered Page 6 Girls, bikini-clad, PG-13 versions of The Sun‘s Page 3 Girls. The Trentonian also gave Ernie Kovacs a regular column, so I guess it had that going for it. Maybe, then, there’s another newspaper in Milford and/or the Valley that plays it straight.

Tabloid news is designed to get a rise out of its readers, and in Milford it’s no different. Cathy is so upset by Heather Burns’ Lady Mudlark hit piece that Hollis had to console her by quoting The Dude swapping blouses. It’s what a good captain does. (Okay, you tell me how they ended up in each other’s shirt, then.) For her sake, Cathy had better never find out that Heather was just paraphrasing something Mimi told her. Tough for the little snitch to learn that the Lady Mudlarks’ early struggles may lie with her and not with the two players she ratted on for not attending the non-mandatory post-practice practice.

Smash cut to the halls of Milford High School, home of lockers big enough to qualify as studio apartments in Manhattan. (Steve Luhm’s beat it back from Casa Talley quickly enough to get both floors squeaky clean.) Trevor Lawrence is the first of Pranit Hollywood’s teammates to throw his little gambling scheme back in his face, but it doesn’t stop Pranit from bragging about his success. Of course he’s successful now; that’s how the house sucks you in.

5 Comments »

  1. Yeah, my theory is that Gil and Mimi decided to criticize their players in the press to “motivate them”. Instead of, you know, actually coaching them to improve their weaknesses or adjusting their offense.

    Comment by MopMan — January 22, 2022 @ 9:14 pm

  2. 1. Girl, your team is 1-4 or whatever… you’ve got much bigger issues at hand than what some bint at the local fishwrap types to fill up empty space…

    2. It’s funny because Heather Cronkite is a Mudlark grad and unabashed Gilberto fan girl… Imagine what a genuine, impartial sportswriter would be saying about now?

    2a. And yes, after that bullshit last summer with Cart Hendricks, I fully expect Heather Cronkite to take down Pranit the Greek because one of his teammates will blab sooner or later…

    3. “I’d prefer not to phrase it that way…” Motherfucker you were the one bragging to the entire lunchroom this past week about how you were getting over, so deal with it!

    3a. I’ve seen some monumental choke jobs from Green Bay before against inferior underdog opponents in the playoffs, but holy fucking damn that was bad… New Orleans bad… 1990s Kansas City bad… 1980s Dolphins bad… Houston Oilers bad… Indianapolis Colts bad… Houston Rockets bad… And the irony is while it was the defense that mostly let them down in the past, last night they were by far the strongest part of the Packers and they deserved better… Just blow the whole damn thing up already.

    3b. And I don’t even give a rat’s ass about Green Bay, but I wanted them to stay alive so Goddamn Brady didn’t have yet another easy road to his twentieth super bowl win… Well too late for that. At least the Pittsburgh Penguins are in great form right now, having won 15 out of 17 so life doesn’t totally suck right now.

    3c. Joe Burrow is good at football.

    3d. While we’re talking about degenerate gamblers, this weekend I unofficially (which means I didn’t actually bet money) picked Tennessee to cover (lost), S.F. to cover (win), Tampa to cover and I took the OVER in Kansas City-Buffalo…

    Comment by Hitorque — January 23, 2022 @ 1:46 am

  3. Those lockers are big af…. I wish someone would stuff Pranit the Douche into one after they get tired of listening to his non stop banter about what an awesome gambler he is. And yeah Cathy, like it or not, you suck, even with the extra cuts and screens work

    Comment by franku2016 — January 23, 2022 @ 9:29 am

  4. To take Hitorque one step further, aren’t we recycling this Carter Hendricks. All right, Thorpiverse, we get the point. Gambling will get us kicked out of the country club evoke an article next to the one about Cathy’s and Hollis’ incompetent play. Must we tolerate the high school version of Carter Hendricks? Goodness gracious.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 23, 2022 @ 9:39 pm

  5. UPDATE: So even though they tried their damnedest to give it away, the Rams came through (loss) and the over for Kansas City — Buffalo was an easy pick which means I went 2-2 for Divisional playoff weekend…

    Hey, I never claimed to be a professional like Pranit the Greek.

    Comment by Hitorque — January 23, 2022 @ 11:25 pm


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