This Week in Milford

January 26, 2022

I Kinda Thought He’d Put Me in the Goon Squad

Filed under: basketball, big arms, football, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — teenchy @ 10:38 am

For a moment there I thought Gil might have actually recruited Lineman Gordon Achebe to join his Mudlark hoopsters. That would’ve required some action on Gil’s part and, as longtime readers know, when it comes to coaching Gil doesn’t act, he reacts.

This time he lets Heather Burns and the Star do his dirty work. Knowing that Milford is that rare place in America where kids read GRIT the daily papers, Gildeaux lets Heather play up his squad’s scrawniness, then sits back and lets the volunteers roll in. Gordon obviously has confidence in his strength and he already has experience talking to Heather. He’ll be all set to field her softballs about his role in adding muscle to the Mudlark forecourt.

Will Gil’s passive-aggressive plan to bulk up his front line pay off? Time will tell. For now, it’s off to the locker room to see just how much more time Gordon can be big. Hiyo!


  1. Nice that Gil has an unpaid recruiting network. Wouldn’t want him to work up a sweat doing his job.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — January 26, 2022 @ 12:30 pm

  2. Gil put the word out and the basketball gods have answered with a Maurice Lucas-like enforcer to protect the scrawny fucks like Pranit and Trevor Lawrence. Soon, the Valley will be gettin’ the Robbie Benson treatment:

    Comment by franku2016 — January 26, 2022 @ 1:00 pm

  3. 1. Oh for fuck’s sake didn’t the girls team already pull this bullshit storyline with Big Barda (who was a ringer from the U.S. U-18 National Rugby team) a few years back?

    2. Not only would Gilberto prefer to bring in a ringer to act as a bulky enforcer instead of, you know, just coaching to his team’s strengths, he literally waits until almost FEBRUARY to do so(!) Bravo, Gilberto… Well done.

    3. I’m sorry, in what alternate universe is this allowed by state high school competition regulations? This ain’t rec league or AAU…

    4. It’s funny because “Things Fall Apart” Achebe has average at best talent and more importantly has had ZERO conditioning or daily workouts since the end of football season… And yet by the end of next week he’ll be in the starting lineup because of course goddamned Gilberto is going to start him.

    5. There’s a longtime trend of Gilberto and Gilbertina bringing in ringers, highly talented transfer students or they always happen to stumble across some 6’6, 285 pound freak of nature playing trombone in the marching band, or some Olympic-class decathlete singing in glee club… Guess that goes a long way to explaining why they’re such “successful” coaches…


    Comment by hitorque — January 26, 2022 @ 1:14 pm

  4. 7. And of course Gilberto is way too proud of a coach to track down Achebe and ask him directly… Nah, he has to leak it out through the hallway grapevine and MAKE Achebe come to HIM…

    Comment by hitorque — January 26, 2022 @ 1:20 pm

  5. 8. Because I can’t stress this strongly enough: Basketball is a game of endurance. Football is a game of controlled chaos for a few seconds, then line up and do it again. On my high school basketball team we used to love to fuck with football players after school who fancied themselves as two-sport stars… “Oh y’all want to run with us? Let’s do 5-on-5 full court, tough guys!” and see how fast they’d have their hands on their knees with their tongues hanging out… So in the real world, Gilberto would recognize this as a monumental mistake as soon as he and the rest of the Mudlarks witness Achebe struggle to make it through his first basketball practice without dying.

    9. And what exactly is they payoff here? Even if you get Achebe into some kind of shape with the season more than half over, how much playing time is he good for? Six minutes a game? Eight? Because that’s all the time he’s got before either fouling out or suffering from complete exhaustion… The only use he could possibly be for the Mudlarks is racking up hard fouls and inflicting physical punishment on opponents…

    Comment by hitorque — January 26, 2022 @ 1:50 pm

  6. Well, why wouldn’t Gil get some over-sized lunkhead to start on the court and not care what the kids who have been bustin’ their asses since October think about that? After all, he once used a 130 lb or so HS girl to start at TE in mid-season and didn’t care what the guys who had been bustin’ their asses since August thought that either.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 26, 2022 @ 1:56 pm

  7. I originally thought Gil was recruiting mid season also. But I’m thinking Gil just wants Rick Mahorn to toughen up the boys in practice. But if Gil plays this guy in games then he truly is a cock knocking douche.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 26, 2022 @ 3:44 pm

  8. Okay, until I read today’s blog, I was assuming that Gil had summoned this kid to his office. But I guess you guys are right, he read the article and volunteered because, um, reasons. If he had no interest in playing when football ended, why the hell is he showing up now? The season is already going, he had no conditioning, no understanding of the plays, and no background in basketball where he can even realistically pick up the plays in a short time.

    But my main complaint is, what was Gil about to say with his “But…”? “But I’m busy right now”? “But you’re interrupting my Matlock marathon”? “But I don’t want to talk to you if you’re not currently playing a sport”?

    Comment by MopMan — January 26, 2022 @ 4:42 pm

  9. Grr, I forgot to end my italics for Matlock. I wish there was a way to edit your comments. (Edited! – t)

    Comment by MopMan — January 26, 2022 @ 4:44 pm

  10. […] or how to collect the money he’s fronted for other people. So now someone else besides Gil could use some muscle and, again, that muscle is taking the form of Gordon […]

    Pingback by The Goon Squad, Part Deux | This Week in Milford — February 23, 2022 @ 1:04 pm

  11. […] Muscle’s all he’s been! […]

    Pingback by Please Gordon Don’t Hurt ‘Em | This Week in Milford — February 26, 2022 @ 6:24 pm

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