This Week in Milford

January 27, 2022

“Coach, I Read In The Milford Enquirer That You Need Basketball Players.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:52 am

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Is Looking For A Few Good Men To Round Out His Basketball Roster!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“If you can run and you’ve dribbled in your driveway, come on down. It’ll put hair on your chest by mid-season.”

I remember something my step-dad told me when describing his entry into the military at the time WWII was transpiring: “They would stick a flashlight up your butt and if they couldn’t see light coming out of your mouth, you passed.” Exactly the modus operandi Coach Thorp is employing to address lack of brawn in the frontcourt or just lack of players for that matter. What’s next, the equivalent of Punt, Pass, and Throw.? Is Gil going to be auditioning people in the gym for the Dunk, Shoot, and Rebound competition? When you can’t get them at try-outs, you put an ad in the Milford Star and Milford Enquirer. Must be able to work week-ends. Mandatory overtime. Must be a team player. Experience helpful but not necessary. We will provide training on the job. Excellent benefits. Ask for Gil at the desk.

And I’m sorry, I can’t see Gil, though as ridiculous as this is developing, I wouldn’t put it past him, ordering Achebe to drop his britches and Gil proceed to thrust a flashlight up Achebe’s cheeks so that Gil can see if a ray of hope is emanating from Achebe’s mouth. Okay, you literally have guts, go suit up. Next.

Is this the price you pay for getting players to play, let alone have a little game to back them up? Okay, it’s nice to know a dude’s got innards and no sunlight got past his liver or kidneys. But as one person told me when he was getting drafted at the time of the Vietnam War, if you could crawl, they processed you. Okay, that makes sense but I really don’t want to view Achebe slinking into Gil’s office and Gil automatically putting him in the starting rotation for this Friday’s game. You don’t have to lick the floor, and I’ve already looked down your esophagus, you’ll start ahead of Landau. Oh, don’t worry, you’ll catch on as you go. In fact, you’re at the center circle at the tip-off. Hope you know how to jump.

Gil, again, there’s this procedure called try-outs. You don’t have to watch teenagers genuflect in your office to make your final cuts. But maybe that’s the idea. Oh, Coach, you are Atman. The Light of the World. Shut up and get dressed, you’re on the team. And I’m not letting you do anything extra. That’s what Mimi is for.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Flag Football Team Desperate For Qualified Candidates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We especially need somebody who can hike the damn football. I’m gettin’ tired of downin’ the football deep in our own territory.”

So far, so good. Achebe has no scars on his gluteus maximus after Gil rung him out and he’s ready to play. But I’ve coached private school basketball, especially against some of the smaller high schools in Indiana. And it’d be like being in the locker room giving final instructions to the team before heading out to the court and Deacon Jones walking in wearing our team uniform that is too big for him to wear begging for a spot and willing to settle for 12th man at the end of the bench. Okay, Deacon, I’ll let you be Hank Finkel for a few games. We’ll take it from there.

And WHAT is on the wall in a glass-covered framed bulletin board? The Bill of Rights? Euclid’s Elements? Let no man ignorant of basketball enter these doors. Okay, Euclid, but I believe Coach Thorp had to bend the rules if he wanted to bolster his roster. Anyway, this one’s a head-scratcher and the mind races with possibilities. The cafeteria manager had no room in the cafeteia to post today’s school lunch menu so he or she snuck it in the boy’s locker room. There’s one snuck in the girl’s locker room as well. Equal opportunity in the quintessential sense. Want to know whether they’re serving lasagna again? It’s posted by the pile of jock straps in the lost-and-found basket. Or maybe Dr. Pearl wanted to post school policy. That way, if you get expelled for smoking a toke because you didn’t read the rules when you’re getting dressed for 3rd-period gym class, you had nobody to blame but yourself. Sounds fair to me. Due-processed because you didn’t check all the messages in the girls locker room.

Maybe it’s all the $5 lunch plate specials at The Diner. I was wondering how Maureen was able to saunter in the hallways without a hall pass.

Special Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Not Concerned About Critical Shortage Of Players On The Roster, Fully Intends To Tough Out Season!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“$100 Gift Cards to The Bucket should eventually land me that can’t-miss prospect.”

And okay, Thorpiverse, we’ll turn our heads on the eligiblity rules and let somebody off the streets come in and check in at the scorer’s table. This is a railroad job bigger than The Little Train That Could. But we’ll swallow and chew the gumball with epsom salts out of the gumball machine and like it. But do we have to look at Deacon Jones check in at the scorer’s table wearing a tutu? Where in the name of Don Noort did Achebe get that outfit? I mean, when Kentucky put in G. J. Smith (fan favorite, BTW) with a minute to go in a 60-point blowout, you didn’t see him in a laced-infested leotard. When Coach Knight inserted Don Noort with seconds to go in a game decided by halftime, you didn’t see Noort dressed like he was going to perform an entrechat to “Swan Lake” instead of playing the point in the motion offense. So why is Deacon Jones clad better for a pas de deux than boxing out down low? I realize that getting uniforms when Gil is smuggling players to the bench while hoping the Valley opponent is preoccupied with lay-up drills can occasionally turn out to be a daunting venture. And sometimes Gil has to scrape the bottom of the barrel, a practice he is well familiar with for decades, to procure a uniform but I want to think Gil is aware of the difference between what uniform Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wears and what uniform Mikhail Baryshnikov wears when plying their respective trades. It’s like watching Deacon Jones get ready for the tip dressed like “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies”. I like Tchaikovsky but prefer to leave ballet out of the equation when lining up in the free throw lanes for the one-and-one.

And even emergency uniforms aren’t as ragged as Achebe’s work of art. Does Coach Thorp make it a habit of motivating players to dress to unimpress???? Deacon Jones would fit in better with all the hobos eating Franco-American out of a can in a boxcar of Milford & Oakwood rather than a basketball team. I knew Gil was desperate but didn’t think he’d resort to recruiting Boxcar Willie. I hope that’s not the same article of clothing I saw at a garage sale this week.

In Coach Thorp’s office one day

“Gil, I need those reports for-uh, Gil, why do you have a flashlight in your private parts?”

“Oh hey, I was thinking about enlisting in the Marine Reserves.”

To answer Achebe’s question in P2, that’s really leaving him wide open (his shoulders would look massive in a mailman’s uniform) , how do you respond when he’s dressed to glissade with Nuryev? Uh yeah, Deacon, they look like the Rock of Gibraltar, especially in comparison to the other girlie-girlies in gymnastics class. Those boulders will look real sexy when you’re dressed like a sugar plum fairy for tonight’s recital at Milford Concert Hall. I’d be intimidated if Peter Pan was flying after me after he bulked up at Milford Planet Fitness.

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Bound And Determined To Recruit Quality Help For Flag Football Team!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’ll get the blocking back I want no matter how much I spend on Fazoli’s gift cards.”

We may never know whether Deacon Jones had a double-double in his tutu since we are jerked to girls basketball action. All this bitching and howling from Coach Thorp that he is relatively short-handed compels you to almost feel sorry for Gil and consequently anticipate whether adding The Rock of Gibralter will strengthen the frontcourt, then WDIG abruptly switches to A Charlie Brown Martin Luther King Birthday Special. Bleeding hearts went the same path the lemmings went.

The consolation prize is Cathy Sasaki is smoothing out her game, going by Heather Tarbell’s words. And it’s bad enough that all we really saw of the boys upcoming game was The Milford Kiwanis Club Calendar of Events posted in the boys locker room and some lunkhead wearing the equivalent of girls tights in the same venue because Gil was still ordering from the catalog but I bet (there’s that word again) the readership is ill-prepared for another Heather article saying Cathy may have dished the rock well but her toenail polish didn’t match Mudlark Red. Like we need another Another World in lieu of decent OR ANY basketball action. Or even Another World ON the court. God knows we’re getting a surfeit of soap operas off the court. Do we really need Heather the Tarbull prating about Cathy’s turnovers? A blown assignment on defense? Way to instill confidence, Tarbull.

So we hold our breath to see if Cathy can play with confidence the next couple of days while Heather Tarbell is on permanent assignment to McGill University. A person can dream, right?

This month we celebrate the birthday of Doctor Martin Luther King, Junior. The man chose to rise above the hate to bring equal rights to his race and to the Human Race in general. He did everything with Christian Love and therefore accomplished great things. Barriers were broken down so that all could live truly peacefully.

In memory of King and because I am angered and outraged that many black musicians got the shaft while beautifully showcasing their talents, please spread the word about The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Who, Rod Stewart, U2, REM, Duran Duran, The Police, Eric Clapton, Edgar Winter, Johnny Winter, Bill Monroe, Roy Acuff, and Benny Goodman who couldn’t do everything but did SOMETHING to address racial injustice. If everybody would do SOMETHING, we’d get a lot accomplished. Racism would be on the run.

Like the U2 song says

Early evening, April 4

Shot rings out in the Memphis sky

Free at last

They took your life

They could not take your pride

“And we’ll be back to tell you how Deacon Jones did in his debut in the Game That Never Was after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Milford High School track, Gil on his 31st lap at 4:00AM

“Puff puff pant pant, I’m gettin’ there, a few more laps and I’ll be ready for the Milford Marathon. And with this kind of endurance, I’ll be able to perform in bed and not get lapped by Mimi. It’s humiliating to get stone-erect only to get beaten by a hair because you didn’t lean far enough.”

SCREEEEEEEEECCCHHHHHHHH

Mimi gets out of the station wagon with the kids. Mimi is still in her robe. The kids are in their orange and chartreuse Underoos overlapping their Nike sweats

“GIL!!!!!!!!! IT IS 4 AM!!!!!!!!!!!! And you had the kids worried sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get off this track and get your butt home NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“And leave when I’m running a 7:30 mile split? When destiny awaits at the finish line to reward me with a renewed manhood? By the 25th mile, I’ll be rockin’ your world while you’re still comin’ up for air. Nuthin’ like running with the Olympic torch from Athens to my bed and your flame glittering brighter than the bulb shining on the Totino’s in the microwave. I hope you used plenty of Zippo lighters.”

“Mommy, he read me Goldilocks and the 3 Bears then he tucked me into bed and said he was going to go pooping for the farts. That doesn’t make sense.”

“I meant ‘Shooting for the stars’, Keri. And if I want maximum performance, why settle for Pluto when you have the universe? Where you can have the Milky Way under the sheets?”

“Gil, I’m going to throw a bag of 3 Musketeers at you if you don’t get off this track and march your hind end on home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Come on, Mimi, I can’t quit now. I still have 73 more laps to go. I am going to be in tip-top condition for the Milford Marathon and for my erectile performance. Y’know, they really go hand-in-hand. When the starter’s gun goes off, I won’t get caught with a false start either on the track or when we both take off our clothes.”

“Mommy, I’m going to take off my Fred Flintstones and race with Daddy. I’ll bet when I race around the track, I’ll have a boner bigger than Bam Bam’s club.”

“JAIME, YOU KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON AND LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!! Gil, This is the last time!!!!!!!!! Leave this track now sleep out in the garage!!!!!!!”

“But Honey, I was going to run up and down the bleachers to practice Heartbreak Hill. This won’t-“

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Damn it, I told Luhm to replace that rotted board.”

“I relented and only bruised my hip and my pride. I can put IcyHot on my hip. My pride had to get bandaged at Milford Men’s Clinic. With the new EREC-3508 FunSpray, one squirt from the Pledge bottle on my wiener and Mimi and I are goin’ to town. It’s a shame there isn’t an event in the Olympics for Synchronized Marathon Running, we’d be a shoo-in for the Gold. Come cross the finish line today and win your manhood back only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, just because Rosey Greer did needlepoint doesn’t mean he wore a tutu when he played. Get your facts straight.

Otherwise, God bless you all.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Lands Commitment To Play Long Snapper On His Flag Football Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I talked with Milford Minimum Security. As long as he made curfew, they foresaw no problem.”

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, why is daddy sticking a flashlight in your butt?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh, I stuck some quarters in your piggy bank, Keri. Go play Pac-Man in the rec hall.”

7 Comments »

  1. 1. Aww… Mr. Things Fall Apart is wearing a shredded t-shirt under his uni to increase his intimidation factor – How positively adorable!

    2. Yes, but the question on everybody’s minds is did Cathy (daughter of the infamous Johnny) Sasaki attend the optional extended practices??

    3. “HURR DURR DOES THIS UNIFORM MAKE MY SHOULDERS LOOK BIG?”

    No, it makes you look like you couldn’t run from foul line to foul line without needing a defibrillator you Oliver Miller Toronto Raptors expansion draft looking got the turning agility of the USS Gerald Ford Southwest Airlines makes you buy six seats on a B737-800 Mister Stay-Puft Black Michelin Man Wendy’s Quadruple Baconator on Texas Toast with salted lard Goodyear Blimp Fat Albert after he ate the Cosby Kids Big Smoke from San Andreas ordering at Cluckin’ Bell bloodstream full of Mountain Dew Code Red Marvel Comics Kingpin Elvis Presley putting everything in a blender Austin Powers Fat Bastard got goldfish screaming “OH SHIT IT’S MISTER CREOSOTE!!” whole Smithfield Ham gobbling Snorlax pokemon clear out all the serving trays at Chipotle with 32 people in line, Nutty Professor Eddie Murphy order everything on the menu at Taco Bell but you can’t even run for the border, William Refrigerator Perry fucked up Panda Express raised hell at Domino’s with the two large five-topping triple-stuffed crust pizzas for $9.99 each that you smashed into one pie bloated dropping football-sized rock solid turd boulders in the locker room john, “Stand By Me” Pie eating contest shifting the tides with your gravity altering the Earth’s rotation Patrick Star “HEY SPONGEBOB! WANNA GO JELLYFISHING?!?” eating everything that isn’t nailed down can’t fit in the booth anymore over at IHOP, Chowder the bearcat ate Steak and Shake out of business, sweating out cooking grease, gaseous, you can’t piss freely because it flows thicker than Mobil 1 high viscosity thermal breakdown Tommy “House” Conklin Police Academy 4 got your ass banned from Blimpies and you made The Bucket say “fuck it we don’t want his money no more!!!”

    Comment by hitorque — January 27, 2022 @ 12:59 pm

  2. Comment by hitorque — January 27, 2022 @ 1:30 pm

  3. Yeah. Another good reply would be “no, fat boy…to me,…it makes you look slow and dumb….but luckily, what I think don’t matter because boy-o-boy….we are really gonna’ be scarin’ the BEE-jezuz out of those guys we’re playing tonight…I bet they’ll shit their jocks and barely be able to shoot the ball once they get a good look at your big-baby ass….that Mr. Thorp is a FUCKING COACHING GENIUS!…”

    Comment by franku2016 — January 27, 2022 @ 1:57 pm

  4. I’ve been big all my life. I WANNA PLAY VOLLEYBALL! Look out net! I might spike it into the floor if the ball doesn’t break after contact. I’ve been big all my life! Can I go out for wrestling!! I’ll wrestle other guys who’ve been big all their life. Will they get me in a cow catcher? Do we have a wrestling team, coach? I wanna play VOLLEYBALL!! Get me a baseball bat. I’ll knock that sphere into orbit! I’m so FUCKN BIG !!! I wanna play VOLLEYBALL!!! I like psychics, coach. I have a big brain! I wanna play volleyball!!!!!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 27, 2022 @ 3:50 pm

  5. I wish I knew coaching was so easy. Your point guard sucks? Just rip them in a newspaper interview and, one game later, all conference material!

    Comment by MopMan — January 27, 2022 @ 10:41 pm

  6. It ain’t baseball season and you ain’t Big Klu, ya putz!

    Comment by teenchy — January 28, 2022 @ 6:06 pm

  7. Ha ha! Big klu. Good one teenchy

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 28, 2022 @ 7:41 pm


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