This Week in Milford

January 29, 2022

Three blondes, two toaster pastries, one hairdo

The Trevor Lawrence has caught on like wildfire among the Valley kids: first it was Gabe Landau, then it was Valley Tech’s #11, and now it’s Junior Birdgirl here who’s rocking the stringy blonde locks. Low maintenance, especially when you’ve gotta futz around with those ginormous earrings before and after each game. Takes less thought to draw, too.

Speaking of less thought, Whigham went through some mental gymnastics to come up with today’s product placement. I reckon it went something a little like this:

What is it with Milford kids and free food? No, seriously. Offer up free eats and these kids will do almost anything, even play in a ridiculous organized pick-up softball game. We’ve seen hints thrown that some families in the Valley aren’t very well off or are struggling financially (Aaron Aagard and his mom, the Jansens, the Karennaninas, the Clarks, maybe the Smiths). Is food insecurity a thing there? There are planty of restaurants and bars, S-marts and Speedcos, but have we ever seen a grocery store in Milford? It is kinda Rust Belty there, so food insecurity could be a lurking subtext in Gil Thorp. But I digress. (The things your mind wanders to when you’re snowed in.)

Hollis is trying to ease into the leadership role conferred on her as captain, plying Cressa with off-brand toaster pastries in an effort to find out why she’s not playing as well as she did last season. How well did Hollis play last season, btw? Was she even in Milford? Usually someone who gets chosen to lead has some combination of recognized experience, talent and, well, leadership ability. Hollis and her appointment to Colorado Springs showed up on the scene fully formed like Athena from the head of Zeus.

Will Hollis lead by example, by encouraging Cressa with constructive criticism, a pep talk and a Pop Jiffy Tart, or by busting her chops like a doolie? That’s the cliffhanger we’re left with today. Time to go break out the snow blower. Hope the rest of you don’t have to. teenchy out.

8 Comments »

  1. It would’ve been fun to show the dynamic of PP and Hollis on the same bus ride last year. Like who tf is Hollis to ask all this personal shit in front of everyone? Mimi got her voted in as captain, not fuckin team shrink. I think Hollis is taking this bullshit title a little too serious. Bring back the gambling story. Cressa could also say “… hey blondie!… I never voted for you, so bugger off…ok?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — January 29, 2022 @ 1:52 pm

  2. https://share.icloud.com/photos/0e7zr0aov_eKxgkr7BGLQPwxw

    And guess what Rubin? Toaster Pops are real so there’s another copyright infringement you need to worry about

    Comment by franku2016 — January 29, 2022 @ 1:57 pm

  3. * Toaster Tarts

    Comment by franku2016 — January 29, 2022 @ 1:58 pm

  4. I’m curious if Mimi is paying Hollis to do her job. Or at least supplying her with a cache of Jiffy Tarts.

    No snow here today, but it was -7°F when we went for our run this morning!

    Comment by MopMan — January 29, 2022 @ 2:03 pm

  5. I like the Euler’s Circles angle for the post today, Teenchy. It is on-point as usual. This is crap that shows up in a SNL sketch.
    For that matter, how about Ren & Stimpy’s Log Song? With a little tweaking

    “What rolls down stairs
    Alone or in pairs
    And over your neighbor’s dog?
    What’s great for a snack
    And fits on your back
    Jiffy Log, Jiffy Log, Jiffy Log”

    Continue the psychoanalysis, Freud.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 29, 2022 @ 3:10 pm

  6. Wait a goddamned minute here… Time-out!

    1. Is Air Marshall Talley a medical professional?

    2. Is Air Marshall Talley a mental health professional?

    3. Is Air Marshall Talley the coach?

    4. Is Air Marshall Talley the school counselor?

    5. At the bare fucking minimum, is Air Marshall Talley good enough friends with Cressida Baxter to approach her this way?

    6. If she cannot answer yes to any of those questions, WHERE DOES TALLEY GET HER OVARIES SO BIG THAT SHE FEELS ENTITLED TO INTERROGATE CRESSIDA AND GET ALL UP IN A TEAMMATE’S PERSONAL BUSINESS?

    7. And I don’t give a rat’s ass if she is captain… Air Force Secretary Hollis McDonnell Douglas Talley damn well better be putting up All-Conference stat lines every night if she’s going to be some Grand Inquisitor like Peppermint Patty…

    Comment by Hitorque — January 29, 2022 @ 4:40 pm

  7. Damn Mopman! I live in that same weather. It wasn’t that cold today but I wouldn’t go out for a drive at -7, never mind a run. But hey, kudos to you.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 29, 2022 @ 5:37 pm

  8. […] do it for a Jiffy Tart […]

    Pingback by Please Gordon Don’t Hurt ‘Em | This Week in Milford — February 26, 2022 @ 6:24 pm


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