This Week in Milford

February 17, 2022

Barely. What An Appropriate Word.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:23 pm

I can barely stomach this and barely understand the modus operandi being employed. I think we’re barely hanging onto our readers.

But does that compel Thorpiverse to change its ways and devise a better plan? Not hardly.

Gang, you oldsters surely remember Johnny Olson, the longtime P.A. announcer for The Price is Right. If the memory is still a bit fuzzy, maybe his “GIL THORP, COME ON DOWN, YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT” will bring things sharper into view. He worked of course hand-in-hand with Bob Barker the host. Only tag teams in wrestling knew each other’s moves better.

Mimi has become the new Johnny Olson as Captain Hollis has staged a coup and deposed Corinavirus as the new basketball tsar. When Hollis has to call a meeting because Mimi spends more time saying “CAMI OCHOA, COME ON DOWN, YOU’RE THE NEWEST VARSITY MEMBER ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT”, well, the more things don’t change, the more they stay the same in Milford. Johnny Olson went home to snuggle up with Gil at the couch and Captain Hollis made anybody drinking Gil’s Hard Lemonade do 100 knuckle push-ups.

I mean, we have really tried to give Mimi every benefit of the doubt that she will one day take charge and even Lt. Admiral Rear Commander Hollis will take a back seat and listen. But then again, you’d be better off waiting for Johnny Olson to get on stage and be the one that reads the prices off the index cards. Nope, I don’t think Mimi or Johnny will ever say “Actual retail price is…” Bob Barker’s job appears to be safe for another 100 years. Darn, he has Gil beat by 40 years.

Therefore, if you are new to the program, you’re in luck. After Coach Mimi makes the intro, COME ON DOWN and sit on the end of the bench. Be prepared to enter the game when Captain Hollis calls your number. Stay focused, that’s the key.

Gang, I understand credit scores. I always like to stroke my ego when I get a score indicating that I pay my bills on time. But when there is a background check on your spouse/partner/lover for a cheater’s score, well,

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

Milford County Clerk’s Office At Loggerheads With Coach Thorp Over Recent Findings In A Background Report!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Even when I wasn’t married to Mimi, I made that charlatan put her clothes back on. I had a game to coach that night.”

I realize everybody is trying to welcome Cami to The Show and if she got game, welcome aboard. But WHAT is that bear claw protruding to the left of Cami. I THINK it is Blond Mudlark fist-bumping with Afro-American Mudlark but what would be the purpose unless they may be happy they have somebody talented added to the team. Well, good news travels fast but it would seem more apropos to fist-bump the person you are welcoming to the team unless Cami has hands like Yogi Bear. And is that Cousin Itt welcoming Yogi to the team? Sometimes we don’t know whether Cousin Itt is coming or going. Oh, but cut the fist-bumping short, Captain Ahab is telling Yogo and Itt and the rest of the Lady Mudlarks to get out the mops because they’re going to be spending the next three hours wiping the poop deck because somebody drank too much Gil’s Hard Hawaiian Punch.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Findings By Fact-Searching Committee Of Milford Dating Services International Hotly Contested By Mr. Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“For the record, Dr. Pearl was engaged in platonic activity when she had lunch with our mailman at The Diner. She paid for her own meat loaf, thank you.”

We were set to figure out what kinda game Cami’s got but noooooooooooo, not in Thorpiverse, we gotta fart around and get back up on that cafeteria table they must have moved to the gym where General George Hollis is the latest to take the soapbox. Instead of watching Jesus “Cami” Shuttlesworth show what she can do and why State U. is after her services, we have to turn this into what everybody smoked at Woodstock.

All right, y’all, I saw some of you light up Muriel Cigars just as the Butterfield Blues Band was about to take the stage. And if you’re not careful, that Mike’s Hard Lemonade is going to force you into a tarantella and if you don’t believe me, look what it did to Joe Cocker when he was singing “With a Little Help From My Friends”. I want no more candy cigerettes like what was consumed when Alvin Lee and the Ten Years After ripped off “I’m Goin’ Home”. Some of you get tipsy at the free throw line after you’ve had a Red Bull. C’mon, you’re big girls now. You know when to say when after Coach Mimi offers you that 10th Fresca. Now get your heart into this program and get your ass out of the Gil’s Hard Ovaltine cooler.

Man, should we ever go back to Iwo Jima, I know who I’d want to give the pep talk at some dining hall on Wake Island before we shipped out.

“Okay, Dr. Pearl, you’ve won that file cabinet by guessing the right price. You must have had plenty of practice. Now it’s time to play Higher/Lower. I assume you know how to play?”

“Yes, I do, Mr. Barker.”

“All right, she won’t have to take a crash course, good for her. Now you surely have experienced Gil’s coaching?”

“Indeed I have, Mr. Barker.”

“Excellent. Then this ought to be a cake walk. If you can guess the right price within 30 seconds, you will win a special prize. Ready to play?”

“Most certainly, Mr. Barker.”

“All righty, here we go. Clock is ticking.”

“Million dollars.”

“Lower.”

“Half a million dollars.”

“Lower.”

“$1000.”

“Lower.”

“$100.”

“Lower.”

“$10.”

“Lower.”

“$1.”

“Lower.”

“50 cents.”

“Lower.”

“Minus 10 dollars.”

“Higher.”

“Barely worth more than kitty litter.”

“Higher.”

“Elephant droppings.”

DING DING DING DING DING ETC.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“That’s it, Dr. Pearl, you beat the buzzer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell her what she’s won, Johnny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“A two week excursion to Mudlark Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you and your husband…”

Judging by the bit of snickering in P2, this 4 Score And Seven Mike’s Ago speech is really not taken all that seriously and truth be told, why should it be? Michael Jordan was added to the team now somebody takes it upon herself to preach the equivalent of quit leaving your cigarette butts on the bus. Is Right Rear Admiral Lieutenant Colonel Hollis going to divide everyvody in little discussion groups on how to address the problem? Each group file a report and discuss their findings at the General Assembly? Is Mimi going to be there or is she taking to the mike again for The Price is Right because Johnny Olson called in again? Groups of 3 discussing wiping your feet before you get on the gym floor, boy, I hope this discussion goes on all night.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Consult With Cochran Concerning Detailed Analysis Sponsored By Milford Psychological Associates Over Possible Libel Charges!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They can shrink my head all they want, I never even had a donut at Coffee Cantina with Coach Mimi.”

Who is Captain Hollis referring to when she talks of “we”? Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if at least half of the girls in P2 were at that party. You KNOW Snickering Girl and Cressa were there and that list could possibly get longer. Gee, if General William Armstrong Custer Hollis were to extirpate all the Indians that were at the party, we might run out of them at Little Big Horn, let alone fill a Mudlark Girls Basketball roster. I sure hope she knows what she’s doing. That’s right, eject anybody with a trace of Jack or Mike’s on their breath. Build character on the team, only way to go. Mimi won’t know, she only shows up whenever somebody gets promoted.

Today’s Black History Month entry is Clark Terry, a trumpeter and flugelhorn player who gave Jazz the prestige that the genre needed to escape the seedy image that lingered in the 30’s, 40’s, and somewhat in the ’50’s. He played in the Duke Ellington Orchestra in the ’50’s and helped get Duke’s comeback back on track, especially with “Live at Newport”, the ’56 concert heard ’round the Jazz world. He later played in the Tonight Show Orchestra from 1962 to 1972, breaking ground as one of the first African-Americans to grace this scintillating orchestra.

He had a technique called Mumbling where he would intersperse semi-coherent vocals with his scat melodies and give Bebop an even bigger presence in the world of Jazz. I have personally heard and I was amazed to no end. He also released 2 critically-acclaimed albums “In Orbit” and “Color Changes” which added to his rich repertoire.

He later played with Oscar Peterson for many decades. Hailing from St. Louis, which was considered a minor hotbed for Jazz outside of New Orleans, he and Peterson made a great team and played to record crowds. He played the music he loved well into his ’70’s. Please join me in saluting one of the Jazz giants and a name I would personally like to see be remembered ad aeternum.

“And we’ll be back for all the stats as Cami Ochoa went Jordan on us tonight with 52 points as Captain Hollis gets her first victory as Milford wins, 82-61, over Madison. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Shaw household in the backyard at 1:12AM

“Honnnnnneeeyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyy, come out, come out, wherever you arrrrrrrrrreeeee-Honey, why are you in your Hanes in that tree house? And why is your hunting rifle up there?”

Coach Shaw puts down his binoculars

“I won’t let nobody get on my property and take my woman. I read that report about you in the For The Records section in the Milford Enquirer. I read all about those gorillas trying to make a move on you. Let George of the Jungle come in my backyard towards my woman. I’ll blast King George back to the Amazon where he belongs.”

“Honey, I never read those pieces of trash. And you’re King Kong to me. Now climb down from that tree, Kong, and I’ll make you King in bed.”

“And let some snake slither in the grass? I read on the cover of Milford Monthly that hoboes from Milford Skid Row were prime targets for wives who weren’t getting enough from their hubbies in bed. Free sex and a free shower, then walk out the back door, it must be nice for them bums. But I won’t let no man ignorant of a razor blade enter my yard or he’ll be leavin’ with his derriere full of buckshot.”

“Darling, you know how I feel about slimy men. Skid Row is a turn-off with us women. But I can’t turn you on if you don’t come to bed and leave your rifle back on the rack.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dare the man to open that gate in our back yard and sneak through the kitchen and grab some coffee snarf a Danish spit in the toilet read the horoscope then jump on you while you’re in La La Land.”

Rustle rustle rustle rustle rustle rustle

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMM

“And I won’t let ’em scale the wall and if they think I’m gonna turn my back and slurp on my Bud when they make a maneuver from the alley, they’ve sadly mistaken.”

“Honey, that was a squirrel.”

“I didn’t catch no cheaters but the squirrel made for good sausage biscuits. And I was gettin’ my Hanes full of skeeters so I got down ASAP. It was time to get dressed and head over to Milford Men’s Clinic and explore all the ways to conquer Erectile Dysfunction so I could conquer Mrs. Shaw in bed. And I didn’t even have to use my BB gun. Come in and find all the ways you can trap and bait your honey and have the time of your life. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, There’ll be no more Twinkies or Ho Ho’s consumed when I come to your parties. I have an image to protect. And put away that Hillshire Farms Liver Cheese. You want the Air Force Academy to find out?

But God bless you anyway.

“PRINCIPAL EK, COME ON DOWN, YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!”

Some flunkee comes out and whispers in Bob Barker’s ear

“I understand Principal Ek is dead. But we won’t let a tombstone stand in our way, will we, Johnny?”

“We certainly won’t, Bob. CORINA KARENNA, COME ON DOWN…”

9 Comments »

  1. YOU GO GIRL! ….And that’s the last party that you ever get invited to in Milford too….and it’s the last time the team “sticks around” just because you got something to say.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 17, 2022 @ 1:52 pm

  2. P 4 (random girl’s voice): “…fuck you, Hollis…..no one here really gives a fuck about your US Navy appointment, or whatever the fuck it is, so get over yourself…how about you have that?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — February 17, 2022 @ 2:55 pm

  3. 1. You’re seriously going to tell me Gilbertina isn’t within easy earshot of this conversation?? Seriously Gilbertina — Come get your girl before things get ugly.

    2. Right about now, Cressida “Gin and Juice ’94” Baxter is REALLY regretting inviting Captain Killjoy and her Asian(?) sidekick to what was to any observer a fun, kickass party… No cops had to be called, the knuckleheads were kept away, nobody ended up in hospital or in an alcohol-induced coma and nobody spiked the drinks with whatever date-rape drug is popular these days — That’s all a win-win in my book.

    2a. And yes, at the very least Cressida Baxter (if not the rest of the team) should be laughing their asses off at the sheer unmitigated gall of this moralizing authoritarian in the making… Because Talley has some really warped and fucked up views on what liberties she thinks “Team Captain” entitles her to… Either someone needs to press the reset button A-S-A-Fuckin’-P and get Talley to slow her roll or some fists are about to fly and some hair is gonna get yanked… Because just like that secret bus conversation with Cressida about her injury, Talley is getting on a high level of ‘familiarity’ with teammates that I don’t think she’s earned. Just because you’re team captain doesn’t mean you can talk to folks any kind of way.

    3. Right about now, the rest of the Lady Mudlarks are REALLY regretting making Hollis “Power Trippin'” Talley the team captain… It’s not even like the whole team was on a three-day drinking binge, anyways… Cressida got what, maybe a couple of swigs of wine spritzer?

    4. “…AND I CAN’T HAVE IT!!!!111” Wow… I’m almost beyond words at how brazen her audacity is. The next question someone should ask is “I can understand the ‘us’ part, but exactly what in fuck’s name does this have to do with **YOU** again?” I’m just dying to see the team’s reaction when they realize that Talley is only going full General Patton to selfishly protect her meal ticket to the Academy and NOT out of a genuine concern for teenage alcoholism… Wow… What a true display of “leadership.”

    4a. And someone should remind Captain Killjoy that even though she’s going into the military, this is a small-town podunk high school girls’ basketball team in the middle of Nowheresville, Ohio… This ain’t the Navy, her name ain’t Queeg and this ain’t the motherfucking USS CAINE… Even though by next week she’ll probably be searching her teammates’ lockers for some missing strawberries….

    4b. Yeah, they’re going to absolutely LOVE her over in Colorado Springs, aren’t they?

    4c. I’ve never fully bought into the political theory that people get the elected leaders they deserve, but in this case it’s apt…

    Comment by hitorque — February 17, 2022 @ 3:07 pm

  4. 5. I’m not kidding… Rubin has set up this scenario multiple times (especially during the Peppermint Patty era) and he always finds a way to screw it up… TOMORROW, if at least ONE girl doesn’t immediately say something to the effect of “JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO US LIKE THIS, AND WHO APPOINTED YOU AS CHIEF OF THE MORALITY POLICE?!” I’m going to be so very disappointed…

    Comment by hitorque — February 17, 2022 @ 3:14 pm

  5. Agree. Even though PP was a pain in the ass, she was still better than this self-entitled ass-hat (a little better anyway). She wasn’t calling team meetings on her own, without ever mentioning anything to a coach, to bitch people out with self-righteous bullshit. Team captain, my ass…..fuck you, Rubin. As Hitorque mentioned, this better lead to a team mutiny or similar to make this character’s appearance worth it.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 17, 2022 @ 3:57 pm

  6. “But I play better buzzed.”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — February 17, 2022 @ 4:15 pm

  7. On topic, here’s how I rate this plot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3XvDsl0Fhk

    Comment by teenchy — February 17, 2022 @ 4:39 pm

  8. Oh, that’s Hollis and not Mimi.

    Heh…

    Comment by billytheskink — February 18, 2022 @ 9:12 am

  9. P 3: Who’s “we”? Do you got a mouse in your pocket?

    Comment by franku2016 — February 18, 2022 @ 1:15 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: