This Week in Milford

March 22, 2022

Confusing? Gil!!! Gil? Confusing!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:37 pm

I have long been a fan of the group Focus and you whippersnappers will have to forgive me for slipping in a Rock phenomenon from the early ’70’s. Their smash “Hocus Pocus”, complete with Thijs van Leer (essentially the group’s leader) and his yodeling (you old-timers know what I’m talking about) set the tone for their music. They were from Holland and had Led Zeppelin leanings thrown in with some Prog Rock. Jan Akkerman, their guitarist, was Jimmy Page under another name. His brilliant guitar playing was widely known throughout Europe.

They came out with a song off of Focus 3, “Answer? Questions! Questions? Answer!”, a hodgepodge of funk, jazz, blues, prog rock, classic rock, rock ‘n’ roll, and mellow that featured van Leer’s flute interweaving throughout the song with Akkerman’s guitar and Pierre van den Linden’s drums, an excellent display of their craftsmanship for around 14 minutes.

I’m sure glad there’s harmony SOMEWHERE because we sure as heck aren’t getting it in the girls locker room at Milford High School. Okay, Cressa, another mini plot that got lost in the tub of seltzer drinks at that party a month ago, is singing the blues with Cathy who is trying to put a positive spin on her demotion but Mimi goes walking by after she changed her Depends in her office and listens to Orange Crush crow that she’ll boot Hollis out at captain and that, hey, we’re still team around here. Confusing? Gil!!!

Let’s make it MORE confusing, shall we? Remember Cressa when she had to have her knee drained? Never heard a word since. It’ll probably remain in the Black Hole that is the M.C. Escher lockers in the locker room but then I wouldn’t be surprised if it rears its ugly head in the name of tying things together. Yeah, Cressa found a Brillo pad that stopped the leakage, Hollos went off to fly a jet over Tokyo and exact revenge for Pearl Harbor, Cathy will regain her starting role, Mimi will go home and watch “Animal House” with Gil on their home theater and Orange Crush will run off with the spoon. And Peppermint Patty will still be in Siberia playing catcher. Everything seems to be falling into place, I’d say.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Distraught Over Snub In Relation To Focus’ ‘Moving Waves’ Tour At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t care what anybody says, I can play saxophone better than that von Beethoven and his flute or whatever the Hell his name is.”

And I was making a joke about Mimi but where in the Hell IS SHE???? Yesterday, she was eavesdropping on the conversation and the doorway was to her right and the door was open and you could hear the team through the doorway carrying on and bitching that Hollis swings her weight around just because she is shipping out in a month or two (as Hitorque deftly points out) . TODAY Mimi has turned around (so far, so good) but the doorway is closed and I’m seeing towels off in the distance. Confusing? Gil!!! Do the Lady Mudlarks throw their sweaty towels in the bin next to the file cabinet? Does Mimi throw her Depend Undergarments in the waste dispenser by the pencil sharpener? Is this an all-purpose office or does Mimi have a habit of sitting in the laundry room sipping on a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and snooping on the latest gossip? Just lay those towels on the scouting reports, Peppermint Patty. Then head back to Siberia, I’ll take it from here.

This Locker Room-Athletic Office Art Deco concept might work in the Interior Decorating section of Better Homes and Gardens but it’s leading this plot further into No Man’s Land and with more smelly towels once it’s there.

In Dr. Pearl’s office while Focus’ “Le Clochard” is wafting softly from her 1901 Victrola

“Phhhhheewwwww, it smells to the Elysian Fields in here!!!!!!!!! Where’s my can of Lysol? Yes, Coach Mimi?”

“So THAT’S WHERE THE TOWELS WENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dr. Pearl, can I move your fax machine?”

I’m gonna be a sappy king, so Valley beware

Well, I’ve never seen a team captain with quite so little sense

I’m gonna be the main event cuz Mimi’s never here

I’m brushing up on talking down, I’m working on my roar

Thus far a rather uninspiring thing

Still, I just can’t wait to be king

We were listening to Cathy preach “No ‘i’ in the word ‘Thorp'” the last couple of days then SUDDENLY somebody with an orange shirt comes in and doesn’t really take the baton but practically says that she intends to be the next Hollis and ascend to the throne via The Hollis Method only I’ll be wearing orange apparel when I’m stabbing people in the back and moralizing about somebody’s Grape Nehi getting spiked. Who’s going to come in next and continue this Our Daily Bread homily, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale? What Cathy and Orange Crush exhorted was inspirational and I’d like to add that if you think positive and keep pulling the Mohawk carpet from under your teammates, you might not only get to be King, scratch that, team captain, you might take Mimi’s place one day. She only shows up on Towel Day anyway. I’ve seen her closets at home. Full of Holiday Inn towels. Now that’s something to shoot for. I’m anointed by your sermon, Dr. Peale.

And is Popeye going to come in, while we’re on a roll? The cartoon used to have a small department where Popeye would have a timely lesson and an Aesop-like moral at the end but that ain’t gonna work here. Does anyone expect to witness Orange Crush put her arm around J. Wellington Wimpy and admonish him to always wash your shirts with ketchup stains after he’s eaten 10,000 hamburgers in the cafeteria? Don’t get up on the cafeteria table and lecture Wimpy on this one, Chance or Miss Orange. Just have Wimpy send his grimy, hamburger-laced shirts to the laundry room where Mimi is getting a quickie with Gil in one of the closets and let’s have some closure. Baseball is rapidly approaching.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Denied Audition For The Focus ‘Moving Waves’ Tour At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Focus Spokesperson: ‘We undoubtedly admire Coach Thorp’s musical range; however, we feel he would struggle with his song flute attempting to fife his way through ‘Janis’.”

And what is this presumptuous attempt at power flaunted by Orange Crush? Who died and made her Gil? On what evidence does she have that anyone is thinking about making her the big cheese? Better watch your backside, Orange. You saw what Razor Knife Hollis did to Maddie and Cathy and she might have another razor blade up her sleeve to throw before she heads off to Colorado Springs. Check your orange attire for slit marks by the time you leave the locker room, Miss Crush.

And what are you going to do should Mimi be lazy enough to install another surrogate coach a/k/a team captain? Buy everybody DQ Cherry Blizzards if they beat a Valley team by 20 points? Go to parties and make sure they serve milk along with Slightly Alcoholic Ovaltine? Way to take charge, Miss Crush. If you play your cards right, you might even have a say if they send Maddie Heidi Cindy Brady back to junior varsity and bring Cami along to be one of the assistants. You and Cami can draw all the plays. Why not, Mimi is too busy gossiping with Elviney and Loweezy in the laundry room.

Okay, Gene Rayburn is back to restore order and kick the deadbeats out of the locker room so we can get on to Spring sports. Ready, willing, and able, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Focus’ ‘Eruption’ as talking about Gil’s__________________.”

TOUGH STANDS???? WHERE???? If you call benching a person because she spiked the punch with Alka-Seltzer and complained and cried to Coach Mimi that Maddie Brady has no more game than Cindy Brady taking a stand, you’ve been drinking too much Alka-Seltzer because stuff like this didn’t get Norman Dale almost voted out of Hickory. Don’t put your arm around Miss Will Still Be Laying Bricks If She Plays Point Guard At The Academy and make her out to be Patton when he was shooting his pistol at some German Aircraft strafing the village. By gum, I showed The Red Baron what happens when he flies too close to Milford and I’ll use my BB gun again if he makes another circuit.

And is Mimi peeking from some outhouse? As she grabbed a wad of toilet paper and wiped her butt, she overheard her team congregate for a Teachable Moment, how romantic. Mimi was battling the cobwebs in proximity to the commode while dumping a load, then watched them rally around the flagpole and win one for The Gipper. Send the script to Hollywood in the next few days.

Gang, I don’t know about you but these Depend Undergarment commercials where some redneck is pulling up his trousers and we witness for a split second that he’s NOT wearing Fruit of the Looms are really not something I like to witness when I’m about to eat the pepperoni I ordered from the Pizza Hut down the street. With that in mind

“Have you ever had to call the Milford Maintenance Department crew to get your underclothing on? It got to the point where I was a fixture in their appointment book. It was no fun when the forklift driver had to coordinate efforts with the crew to get my Depend Undergarments for the day. But’s that’s what happens when you are 717 pounds, which I was.

One of the forklift drivers took pity on me and said he weighed a chunk himself at one time and gave me a referral to Milford Liposuction Academy. Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl, and you are correct, I am the granddaughter of the venerable Dr. Pearl.

And Thanksgivings were not a lot of merriment and mirth. I had to sit all by myself because I had the girth of 10 relatives. I had to use an axe to carve the turkey. Thank goodness, Milford Liposuction Academy saw me stranded on the road and saw me bleeding and dying and leaking a ton of urine on the road to Oakwood and led me to the operating room faster than you can say Hormel One Minute Stew.

I confess I was frightened at first. Was I Dr. Frankenstein’s creation on the verge of going under the knife by Igor and Doctor Frankenstein still looking for a brain under the heart monitor? The staff at Milford Liposuction Academy put matters to the Elysian Fields as they suavely applied the gas to put me to sleep while Henry Mancini’s “Theme from Pink Panther” was playing somewhere in the ceiling. The tubes they inserted in my gluteus maximus was no worse than inserting the nozzle in your gas tank when obtaining a fill-up.

The experience was a grand one as I was Lucy in the Sky without the extra weight that had so beset me in times past and I felt myself floating while the Liposuction team utilized scalpel and knife and incision instruments to maximum advantage and I never crash-landed once. Wonders never cease when Novocaine, a sterilized scalpel, and “The Peter Gunn Theme” come to an agreement. Plus assistant nurses willling to tolerate working at minimum scale for now.

Lo and behold, I was a new person. They showed me what I now looked like in the mirror even though I was still comfortably numb. I could sit in the wheelchair and not blow out a tire. My loins weren’t popping out so that we were compelled to take the freight elevator. I was a new woman and I could buy normal underwear. No more have to order from the Toyo Tractor Tire catalog. I could pull up my pants in 2.3 seconds flat in case WDIG-TV needed models for undergarment advertising.

With all these amenities that Milford Liposuction Academy has to offer, isn’t time you took the weight off your shoulders and gluteus maximus and scheduled an appointment with Milford Liposuction Academy? The consultation is free and all major insurances are acceptable. And starting June 1st, Medicaid will be accepted. No more living in Hooverville being miserably obese. Sounds like a fair trade. Come see them today and liberate yourself forever.”

Well, Gang, if Thorpiverse would quit feeding me all this bull, I wouldn’t have to get an appointment with Milford Liposuction Academy. I don’t need a tube in my nose, just common sense.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Comedy Caravan

“…so Daffy Duck asks me, will you help me and Bugs get away from Elmer Fudd and hide us at Milford Liposuction Academy? And I answered, what do I look like, Focus playing ‘Moving Waves’?”

The beer taps are barely audible

Suddenly Focus’ “Round Goes The Gossip” blares in from the speakers and Gil gets the hook

4 Comments »

  1. 1. God damn it, Rubin…

    2. I love how Gilbertina is looking in with that bullshit smile thinking to herself “Thank goodness they worked it out themselves and I don’t have to intervene!” when we all know damn well the locker room could be a fucking Wrestlemania Free-For-All right now and she still wouldn’t have intervened… I’ve seen rec league peewee volunteer coaches who were more involved that she is… I’ve seen elementary school PE teachers who were more involved that she is…

    2a. The most outrageous part is Gilbertina doesn’t even have an assistant(!) so her basketball/volleyball/softball teams are truly rudderless when she does her disappearing act… I foolishly thought the mere fact that HER PLAYERS WERE CONDUCTING ADDITIONAL TEAM PRACTICE SESSIONS EVERY NIGHT ON THEIR OWN JUST TO SHORE UP THEIR WEAKNESSES would have been a major clue? You’d think over the years at least one pushy father of a player would insist on being a “volunteer” which always morphs into being a full assistant sitting on the bench in a shirt and tie…

    2b. I love the fact that Gilbertina sees her team losing so that means she needs to call up a ringer from the JV team, or juggle her top seven rotation instead of god forbid changing her tactics or trying to improve herself as a coach… She knows there are coaching camps, seminars and professional workshops she can attend, right?

    2c. And sadly the ONE undeniable lesson Gilbertina should be learning from this week (i.e., appoint a Team Captain because they have earned the respect and admiration of their teammates and NOT because they’re attending a service academy next year) is going to fly right over her empty head…

    3. “IF I’M CAPTAIN NEXT YEAR…” might as well be me saying “IF I’m in the middle of a three-way with Ariana Grande and Dua Lipa next year…”

    3a. And I’m sorry, but what kind of “tough stand” did Talley-Ho make all this season? I mean, besides trying to police the morality of her teammates not because she actually gave a shit about their well-being; but because she didn’t want her acceptance to USAFA rescinded??

    3b. “I’m just a Junior so I’ll play plenty next year!!” It’s funny because Maddie has totally forgotten this is MILFORD FUCKIN’ HIGH which means for all she knows Gilbertina could bring in five new transfers from Valley Modified and all of a sudden there’s a whole new starting five… Because Gilbertina knows the Golden Commandment for mediocre coaches which is: “Thou shalt stockpile as much talent as thine can so games will not depend on coaching acumen…”

    4. Serious question here – Why the hell wasn’t Cressida Baxter team captain instead? She’s a returning starter, she seems to have the respect of her teammates aside from Talley-Ho and slavish sidekick Cathy, she’s the only player in this storyline who hasn’t had her playing time reduced at some point (which means she’s 100% essential to the team, if not their most talented player), and while we can question her judgement Baxter DID play through a serious injury which means she’s a straight-up warrior… To top it off she has the honor to keep her gripes out in the open without the passive-aggressiveness or trying to politick Gilbertina behind closed doors..

    Comment by hitorque — March 22, 2022 @ 12:49 pm

  2. All I want to say is,”!#%*!#%*!*%#!*%#!#%*!*%#!#%*!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — March 22, 2022 @ 1:59 pm

  3. 1.) Yeah, I actually have a Focus CD. Even though most stuff can be streamed now, I refuse to get rid of the hundreds of CDs and vinyl albums that I’ve acquired over the years and still listen to whatever suits me. My son appreciates such things and plans on taking them off my hands someday too.2.) Mimi looks creepy af the way she’s peering around the corner. I had the same thought as Hitorque, that she’s relieved that she doesn’t have to do shit about this clusterfuck she helped create. 3.) Give me a fuckin’ break Rubin. Hollis couldn’t lead an orgy in a whorehouse, unless, of course, you count back-room maneuvering to get your way as “leadership”. 4.) I still haven’t figured out what’s so special about her that she got appointed to one of the prestigious service academies. She seems like a sneaky fuckin’ weasel. (sad, my ass, Cathy). 5.) Can we cue the end-of-episode Brady Bunch music jingle that signals the end of another lame story and move on to the spring story, even though it will probably be stupid too?

    Comment by franku2016 — March 22, 2022 @ 2:13 pm

  4. Just for S&Gs, Focus live on The Midnight Special in 1973. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4ouPGGLI6Q

    Comment by teenchy — March 22, 2022 @ 6:36 pm


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