This Week in Milford

April 27, 2022

There’s No Such Thing As Being Too Judicious In Milford, Trust Me.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:52 pm

AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As many of our fine readers pointed out, why would Mr. Hamm be trying to duck the camera, very subtly I might add, unless he was a fugitive from the law/fired at the Oakwood Toyota plant because he was caught in the men’s room getting horny with a commode/he’s a deposed leader from some Slavic nation when Communism was shown the door/he’s The Joker and Batman and Robin are in the equipment shed waiting for Mr. Hamm to blow his cover. Again, he looks somewhat like Cesar Romero and you have to explore all the angles. Leave nothing in Gil’s hair uncombed.

Really, what IS wrong with posing for the Hamm Family Reunion 2022 portrait at Mudlark Lake cabin #31? Why is he camera-shy when he is asked to stand with his son for an equivalence of graduating from kindergarten? Yeah, it’s not like graduating from Harvard but Gregg might have been heartbroken if he was 6 years old and sitting on the lap of one of his kindergarten teachers and Mr. Hamm is hiding behind the statues of Garfield and Odie. Where was he at Chuck E. Cheese’s when Gregg was 12 and had a birthday party. Did he try to imitate one of the gorillas banging the tambourine when they did the birthday picture of Gregg and his friends? Because he was hiding from Batman? Holy Pepperoni, Batman, that’s The Penguin strumming the banjo next to the other mannequins blowing the jugs!!!!!!!!!!!!

We’ll find out if Mr. Hamm is fugitive or false alarm in the next few weeks, unfortunately. Brace yourself for future inanity and like it.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Suing Bluechew For Damages Due To Certain Side Effects!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cochran’s working up a case. When they cause more cavities than Trident, it’s time to get the money I deserve, I don’t care how erect I get in bed.”

His wife knows he’s The Joker???? I’m sorry, Mrs. Hamm but thinking like Batman without the cape and Underoos, yes, I am rummaging through photo albums on Grandma’s coffee table and searching for photos, no matter how trivial. It might not mean anything to you but, yeah, I’m racing my Batmobile down to Milford Elementary if I see The Joker sitting on the opposite end of the teeter-totter from Gregg in a b/w photo. What would I tell Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’ Hara if I pitched the snapshot of The Riddler and Gregg working on their ABC’s with Fisher-Price blocks in kindergarten class in the garbage disposal?

So yeah, Mr. Hamm has something dubious and perhaps deceitful and malicious, therefore I have that 8 & 1/2 × 11 suitable-for-framing memory of Egghead and Gregg eating Chips Ahoy! tossed on my stomach at nap-time in kindergarten tucked away, at the ready when Mr. Hamm removes his hair and reveals to Milford the truth by dropping a toxic egg on the head of one the kindergarten teacher’s aides. You can’t be too careful in Thorpiverse, Mrs. Hamm.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Foundry Sends Home Workers On Second Shift In Response To A Possible Gas Leakage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Some sources fear those who ingested Bluechew experienced side effects of severe flatulation.”

Gang, if I published my own “1001 Films to See Before You Die”, I would DEFINITELY include the foreign film “Europa, Europa” (Europa is German for Europe) . It was a true story based upon Solomon Perel’s own personal hegira as his German Jewish father ran a business in Lodz, Poland (the whole family is German and Jewish, FTM) which gets besieged by the invading Germans and Polish Nazi sympathizers. Perel escapes with his life and finds himself bouncing back and forth between the Soviets and Nazi Germans, fluent in both Russian and German to help keep his Jewish cover, especially with the Nazis, from getting blown sky-high.

When he encounters a surrender from the Russians to the Germans, Perel is given much of the credit even though truthfully he was trying to ESCAPE to the Russians so his part in this capture is purely coincidental.

STILL, the Germans persist in designating him a good-luck charm and suspect nothing of the alias he is going by, Josef Peters. He is affectionately called “Jupp” by his happenstance German buddies and insist he pose with them and the Russian high officer that’s been captured. The photographer about to snap the shot says it all: “Laechele!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (“Smilllllleeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!) .

God, no wonder why Josef Peters Junior is reluctant to show himself in public. He was trying to escape this plot and get to the Soviet Front but ran into a bunch of Mudlarks who insist on farting around the issue. They were shooting the Russkies when they weren’t dining on Jay’s Subs and Josef Peters got mixed up with the Jay’s Subs driver when the latter was attempting to deliver pastrami to the Russkies. Now he’s in a picture with all the other malingering Mudlarks and there’s serious doubt he will get out of supper when the Nick’s Pizza driver pulls up. Laechele, Josef!!!!!!!!!!

And where’d Gregg go? Exiled to the same Polish ghetto that Perel’s parents got relegated to? If we’re going to live on lies and half-truths that Josef Peters was compelled to stomach, we don’t need Gregg hiding out in Nieder Sachsen. That makes sense, take a picture of the whole damn German army with Mr. And Mrs. Hamm up front displaying a swastika flag but Gregg is behind a tree taking a piss. As long as reality is taking a vacation, the least Gregg can do is zip his pants and hold it in for a few seconds. Then piss on some Oberleutnant to his heart’s content, if it’ll make him feel better.

At Milford Country Club

“Smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Wow!!!!!!!!!!!! I beat some German exile to Siberia who lived on bread and borscht and water that Hitler sent as a favor to Stalin?”

“By a stroke, Gil.”

We are showered with a whole gamut of trees in P2. The evergreen on the right that does double-duty as a Christmas tree when Noel hits Mudlarkland, the mutant poplar growing out of Josef Peters’ head, some hollyhock and rose and variegated European bushes that got smuggled to America about the same time Josef Peters’ papers cleared the Milford Superior Court. It is believed that Gregg is urinating behind the maple tree overshadowed by Mrs. Hamm’s apostrophe-shaped head. Life is like a box of trees in Milford, you never know what you’re going to get or however Forrest Gump phrased it.

If ya git a picture of you and some Latin American dic-tater cuz ya used yore shotgun on him when he was hidin’ from his enemies in the woods where ya wuz huntin’ squirrel and the dead corpse hangs proudly between ya both, ya might be a redneck.

DAMMIT, SCOOTER, DON’T YOU KNOW THE DRILL????? People desiring to make an obnoxious jackass of themselves with useless banter to throw at students and Coach Kaz and the chickenshit teacher on cafeteria duty stand on the cafeteria tables!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How’s anybody by the Ho Ho stand going to see you? Nobody’s going to take notice when you’re rambling and preaching at one end and the mustard they’re slopping on the bologna sandwich which they obtained from the condiment table is on the other end. Get on the table and spout your meaningless tripe. It’s what they do around here.

At some point in the movie, some Polish man who became bitter enemies with Perel tried to expose Perel as the Jew he is in front of the Nazis. Now if this Scooter is going to do this right, he needs to get on the table and exclaim that Kaz is actually a flea-bitten Communist who executed all the McDonald’s executives when they vacationed in the Crimea. After he deluged us with all that useless trivia not even utilized in the Milford Annual Trivial Pursuit Tournaments, naturally. Do some jumping jacks while you’re on the table and exercise more than your mouth.

Funny how Downpuppy mentioned Joe West (thanks for the contribution, BTW. You da Man) . True story, he’s calling balls and strikes in a Cubs game and the great Andre Dawson had recently joined them. He’s at the plate in a game that’s a bit tense already. West pumps Dawson out on strikes on a strike call that wasn’t anywhere near the strike zone, then compounds the problem by tossing Dawson, about as ridiculous a move that an umpire could make, given Dawson’s excellent rapport with fans, media, and the men in blue. I have always thought West an excellent umpire but has had a tendency to make himself bigger than the game and I thought he did that here.

And Wrigley Field just went berserk. They were throwing things on the field left and right and how the Cubs managed to win was a miracle, given the circumstances. I certainly don’t condone the actions that could get anyone hurt but that said, West offered a weak alibi after the game that really didn’t help his stature: “I thought he didn’t act with the class we have come to expect.” Joe, unless he said something about your mother, you really don’t have a case and I have always respected you as an umpire.

“We’ll be back for the exciting conclusion to see if Coach Thorp accepts Josef Peters on the team although he lied and said he is in reality a Patagonian after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At Felix Grobblehickey’s residence one night

“All right, Honey, one Bluechew and a glass of Hawaiian Punch and I’ll be driving the stake into Barnabas Collins.”

“Oh Felix, Baby, you say the dirtiest things.”

Chew chew chew chew chew

CRASHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUH JEWIE GUHZIZ TUCK IHHY OUTTTTT

“Greetings once again I’m attorney Joe Sharkey and what my client wanted to say was the chewing gum was stuck in his mouth. He was unable to work for 8 weeks as a forklift operator for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage and had to live off of short-term disability which barely covered expenses. It was painful watching him with that gum still stuck on his upper plate while he was engineering every effort to pay his electric bill at the pay window before Milford Gas & Electric was scheduled to shut it off that afternoon. We found out later on after some serious investigations that the Milford Bluechew factory had just hired an immigrant from Honduras who had just bought his Green Card through the black market to work the sugar processor when the chewing sticks went down the line. How anyone can expect a gentleman who needed a Langenscheidt Pocket English Dictionary to flip the switch on the machinery is the 64,000 dollar question but rest assured, my client got several-fold that amount.”

“Milford Bluechew agreed to settle for $2,864, 469, 031 plus they sent me another case of Bluechew. The personal letter from the CEO from his hotel suite in Nassau added a personal touch. I found out that foreigners with no English to speak of, chewing sticks that laid out in the heat lamp too long with 3 times the amount of sugar dumped on it makes for bad chemistry. And that Honduran had the nerve to pour some Dewar’s Scotch when no one was looking. Small wonder my teeth were an Elmer’s Glue misconstrual waiting to happen. I had little fun when the dentist had to use the crowbar out of his trunk to pry open my mouth. But I can drive the forklift and yell to my boss when the hogs are going to the wrong slaughterhouse. Did you ever try to use a forklift to steer them past the snack bar and hope nobody notices? Thanks, Joe Sharkey!!!!!!!!!!”

“You heard the man. And I heard they deported him back to his country and even confiscated the Dewar’s when he tried to clear Customs. So what are you waiting for, some longshoreman to get cable wire to yank the gum out? Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today and get the money you deserve. One call, that’s all.”

Why doesn’t Scooter stand on a street corner and preach? Bible verses and trivia, he might get some agent to buy into his act, someone who got fired from a major actor. Road to recovery here, the way I see it.

God bless you, Gang.

As the war was clearly turning against the Germans, Perel risked heavy gunfire to defect back to the Russians. Once he made it, he was rudely confronted by two Russian commanders who were in no mood to take in a fugitive German and they made him a scapegoat for many of the Nazi atrocities committed. Finally, one of the commanders hand a gun to a refugee and orders this refugee to “shoot him like a dog”.

Just as the gun is pointed to his head, he hears his name. “Solly!!!!!!!!!!!”

It’s his brother.

The parties involved wisely back off, including laying down the gun and Perel goes on to bigger and better things, pledging to only be himself from now on. Couldn’t agree more.

Anyway

“Shoot this plot like a dog.”

“Wait, Commander. Coach Thorp, don’t you have a game this afternoon?”

7 Comments »

  1. Well, another open-ended sub-plot that may: A) never develop B) take 3 to 4 weeks to develop, or C) never be mentioned again as to why Mr Hamms is camera-shy. Meanwhile, Scrappy-Doo is asking more idiotic trivia questions, as if HS kids actually GAF about MLB umpires. Does this guy ever shut the fuck up?

    Comment by franku2016 — April 27, 2022 @ 3:01 pm

  2. P1. There’s no such thing as being too careful. So you’re the fuck wad I get stuck behind at the stop sign because there’s a car coming from 3 blocks away and I JUST DONT WANT TO RISK IT!!!
    P2. Looking good Mrs. Hamm. SCHWING!!
    P3. I guess it’s in the locker room. Why do those boys have towels around their necks? They should be snapping them at dumb ass Scooter.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 27, 2022 @ 3:28 pm

  3. P2 – So he didn’t want his picture taken, but he’s having his picture taken? And Gregg isn’t even there anymore? Or is that Gregg on the left where the colorist changed his hair again because he isn’t sure what character it is? Except Gregg was wearing his uniform and cap, and that guy isn’t, so it must be dad. Regardless, he doesn’t have to worry about his picture getting out because Scooter is pointing his phone NOWHERE NEAR mom and pop.

    Comment by MopMan — April 27, 2022 @ 5:04 pm

  4. FWIW, Joe West, who kind of sucked on ball/strike calls.

    Comment by Downpuppy — April 27, 2022 @ 5:17 pm

  5. Have to say Mrs. Hamm IS kinda cute, but how are her glasses staying on her face with no earpieces? I also like the ponytail look too but it makes her look much younger than her husband. And in P3 Scooter is either singing YMCA or practicing his back judge signal for a made field goal. Its Goooood!!

    Comment by robmize2013 — April 27, 2022 @ 5:32 pm

  6. It sure as hell ain’t Angel Hernandez.

    Thanks for carrying the ball for me today, tdrew. I finally got my network and hardware issues sorted out about an hour after your post. I owe you one.

    Comment by teenchy — April 27, 2022 @ 7:45 pm

  7. […] Of course, all this is mostly in service of our A plot, the mysterious Mr. Hamm, who is camera shy for some undisclosed reason. Ruth Hamm is even throwing herself in front of Ol’ Hamm to shield him just in case Heather manages to get a clear, in focus shot of the mysterious bastard. Ruth Hamm may be so afraid of being identified that she changed her hair color since the last game. […]

    Pingback by They Shoot Video, Don’t They? | This Week in Milford — May 2, 2022 @ 3:44 pm


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