This Week in Milford

May 4, 2022

From a Slick Stop to a Meal Stop

Time for a break from the Milford Witness Protection Program for some actual action.

Central tries to mount a late rally against the Mudlarks by putting on Milford’s uniforms and crowding the plate. This ruse fails as Gonzo Aceves gets the batter in disguise to ground into a game-ending double play. Surprising that Gil and Kaz left Gonzo in to pitch a complete game; maybe they were also too busy watching Mama Hamm take a bullet for Papa Hamm to pay attention to the action on the field.

Menawhile Marty’s in his crate, calling the game using the CB radio he pulled from under the dash of his car and taking notes using a carpenter’s pencil. Guess Marty got it from Heather that everyone’s calling Aceves “Gonzo” now. Though he and his butter knife are long gone The Mayor has left his mark, at least for the rest of this season.

Now it’s off for postgame junk food, either at Ricozzi’s or The Bucket. Will the Hammmmer walk into a pane of glass as he joins the rest of the team? Will Papa Hamm be stuffed in the trunk of the Hammmobile when Mama Hamm comes to pick Gregg up? Will Scooter be too busy bragging about the twin killing he turned to bore everyone to tears with baseball trivia? So much to anticipate for the rest of the week!


  1. Are those supposed to be fielders mitts in P 3 or were these guys picking up and bagging Gil’s dog fang’s shit after the game? Oh, that’s right…fang disappeared around the same time Gil’s kids did, so it must be shit from some other dog. And nothin’ sez get ready for some asinine dialogue like “let’s go to celebrate with pizza or the bucket” does. These kids must all be trust fund babies, the way they dine at restaurants as much as they do but don’t have part-time employment anywhere.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 4, 2022 @ 11:36 am

  2. Good for Gil leaving “Double Live Gonzo” in the game. Maybe T LaRussa and other dip shit MLB managers can learn from it. But we know Gil was zonked from the rotgut Gatorade so that’s why the status quo remained.
    So what happened to the lad leering into the bleachers? I know some of my colleagues disapproved, but what else should a 17 year old bench player or any other ball player do? There’s a lot of down time in baseball. Why not check out the poon tang? You know the big league boys do too. Besides, like Jimmy Piersall once said, there’s nothing but horny broads in the stands.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 4, 2022 @ 12:04 pm

  3. Hey JT!…read the Ted Williams biography sometime…Ted got more ass than a toilet seat just by scopin’ broads in the stands. Maybe Hitorque was right yesterday…the kid was just checkin’ out ‘Ms Burns’ ass, but then again, why would he even look in the direction of that old hag, Mrs. Hamm? That’s a little baffling.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 4, 2022 @ 12:12 pm

  4. Sports! I’ll take it.

    Comment by billytheskink — May 4, 2022 @ 1:22 pm

  5. 1. Yeah, let’s go on down to the Bucket so what’s-his-name can tell all his generic teammates what he saw the other what’s-his-name’s mom doing in the stands, and let him tell all his generic teammates how odd and suspicious it was and they can all speculate on what they think it means BECAUSE NOBODY IN MILFORD KNOWS HOW TO MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS?

    1a. (Although to be fair, even when others DO try to mind their own business, some idiot assclown will freely tell the world all their business for them — See Pranit the Greek and all those football players making daily speeches to the entire lunchroom).

    2. **Meanwhile,** back in the newsroom of the Milford Advertiser-Intelligencer-Enquirer-Post, Heather Woodward-Bernstein is at her desk editing her amateur camera footage from earlier tonight when she notices something strange as she was panning the crowd in the bleachers… Unfortunately she’s way too young to know who Michael McDonald is, so the white-haired dude with the goatee and the stupid, blundering attempt to shield his appearance from recorded media seem highly dubious to even her raisin-sized brain… Who in the hell was this weirdo, and why is he so camera shy, anyway?? What’s he hiding? So, she decides to call one of her Iowa Hawkeye classmates — A dude she friendzoned in freshman year, had one night of drunken pity sex with sophomore year, and re-friendzoned ever since, but he’s still thirsty and will do anything to dive between her thighs once again… And now he’s a promising rookie over at the Department of Homeland Security… Being trained in the latest advances of facial recognition technology cross-linked with every criminal and terrorist database in the FVEY Alliance… “Well, what’s the harm of sending it over and letting him run it through the system?” Heather thought to herself. “If it’s nothing then it’s nothing but if I get a hit I might just have a huge story on my hands! And then Gilberto might finally see me as more than some hack sports reporter and divorce that horrible disgusting wife of his! He was always too good for her! I’m the one who deserves to be Mrs. Heather Tharpe!” Heather makes a mental note to also find a way to get a DNA sample from Michael McDonald, just in case the facial recognition query draws a blank — A discarded drink cup, some chewing gum, some strands of hair, anything will do…

    Comment by hitorque — May 4, 2022 @ 2:39 pm

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