This Week in Milford

May 10, 2022

This Darkness That Has No Dawn.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:57 pm

Elizabeth Montgomery, famous for her role as the beloved witch and housewife, Samantha Stephens, from the popular TV series, “Bewitched”, wanted to branch out and perform other roles as far away from her character as possible once the series ended. I couldn’t blame her as she she was in several movies and TV shows before she ever cast as Samantha. One example was the Twilight Zone episode, “Two”. Trying to piece together what I remember, she plays an enemy to Charles Bronson’s character in a Cold War-like situation where there is destruction all around that perhaps both sides have inflicted on each other and these two are still going at it ANYWAY, even with little resources, any wherewithal destroyed in the winless conflict. She was chilling in the role, displaying how underrated she was, IMO, as an actress.

Besides the Lizzie Borden movie that brought her long-overdue critical acclaim, she also played a lady, Abigail Foster, that had been in a coma for 20 years after a rare disease when she was 17-years-old in “Between the Darkness and the Dawn”. She is totally unaware that she is now 37-years-old and will have to make the arduous adjustment to life as it is NOW. She is floored, for example, that her high school sweetheart is now married to her younger sister.

Gee, Gil has been in a coma for 60+ years. Is Mimi married to Bobby Howry? Man, Milford has changed. And it doesn’t look like that will change based upon the strip for today. Gil just seems oblivious to Hamm’s problem that keeps coming back and won’t disappear. Coach, that’s what happens when you sweep things under the rug, they come out of the carpet and dribble by you like it’s doing today.

And if we weren’t chasing after so many rabbits that are traversing across the screen every which way, we might actually get somewhere. OMG!!!!!!!! Would I be out of a JOB???? I could get things done. I could go watch my great-nephew run the 3200 at his conference meet today (no worries, my family will keep me posted) . I’d have more time to follow my favorite high school and college teams. The potential.

Suffice it to say, Coach Thorp is still on life-support at Milford General and the doctors are at Milford Country Club picking up where Coach Thorp left off. I think I have job security.

Really, we have plots that are still in the inchoate stage as Scooter’s Statistical Anthology is somewhere nudged in the oak tree with the rsst of the acorns, Ma and Pa Kettle have made sure to bring a shotgun this time in case some Commie tries to bring Pa Kettle back to Siberia, Gil has to go dry-clean his Jordaches, Mr. Benchwarmer is writing a memoir of Ma and Pa Kettle and why Ma stood in the way when ABC Nightline had nothing better to report, and they were in the neighborhood, so while filming Ma Kettle hid Pa Kettle behind the bloodhound so that nobody would discover that Pa Kettle took part in the Bay of Pigs uprising. You can’t let the Revolution know where any traitors are hiding.

And speaking of broadcasting, what the Hell happened to that camcorder Heather Tarbell was lugging around? Did she store it back in the safe deposit box? Along with her mentality? We were ready to be annoyed by her bitchy, confrontational, unwelcome intrusion but it’s like Gil’s mother-in-law coming to the Thorps’ residence and and saying she will be staying the next three months, then jumping on a boat to participate in Bay of Pigs: The Sequel. Another plot in its infancy that still is on life-support with a steady diet of powdered milk. At least Abigail can drink a Diet Coke when she’s filling in the details.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O. J.’s Grandmother Awakens From Slumber After 21 Years In A Coma Due To A Heart Attack!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It’ll be a culture shock. The Bucket menu has changed. I’ll have to break it to her that Bucket McRib sandwiches are no longer served.”

Okay, okay, Thorpiverse, we get it. He’s blind as a bat and he can’t even catch a foul tip and his Commie-Pinko dad who is withstanding some McCarthy lunatic breathing down his neck is helpless to address the problem. We at least have a couple of runaway plots in the ballpark, pardon the pun. Anybody who has taken I-24 in Tennessee just east of Monteagle surely has seen those runaway ramps that semi’s can use in case the brakes fail, a frequent occurence given the dangerous grade of the slope going downhill. One of my dad’s friends had to use that ramp and it saved his life. Problem was, it took a day and a half to get towed out. But that’s the case with these plots veering in God knows where all over Tennessee and beyond. When we finally manage to flag them down, we’re stuck having to watch Gregg unable to pitch and catch or even play pepper because he can’t see past his glasses and that’s stretching. Watch out for that camcorder, Gregg.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if Heather finally returns but God knows under what capacity. It’s been hit-or-miss with her lately and that’s not a good sign. If Gil’s mother-in-law joins the Contras in Nicaragua, is Heather going to be the guest in the Thorp household in this plot du jour? Just don’t film the toilets because Gil somtimes forgets to wipe. Keep it real and film the family at dinner time. Mimi can bribe the kids to eat all their vegetables at Show Time. The plots will be finally dragged out of the mud and we’ll have it all in camera. Something to show the grandkids.

Gang, these lawsuits are getting ridiculous. There’s an advertisement for contacting an injury lawyer over talcum powder misuse? What does a person do with Johnson’s Baby Powder that would constitute misuse? Use it as a meat tenderizer on a person’s T-bone? Snort it when there’s no cocaine in the drawer? Mix that with Quaker State 10W40 when the car needs an oil change?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Obtains An Injunction, Milford Superior Court Orders Gold Bond Medicated Powder Removed From The Store Shelves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“When my grandma started getting zits on her butt, I knew it wasn’t from all that World’s Finest Chocolate she’d been eating for dessert.”

Now who’s the idiot who plopped Peter Lorre in here without telling anyone? I liked him better in “Casablana” and “The Maltese Falcon”, not be relegated to Cartoonland where he’s going to vegetate in Rockville. He’s a radio announcer for WDIG? Did Alfred Hitchcock write the script today? How does Hitchcock know anything about Mudlarks? Spent time at Coffee Cantina observing the Milford populace over Choclate Peppermint Latte and a couple House Apple Strudels? He looks tacky in a beard and mustach-oh, THAT’S MARTY MOON!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome back, stranger. He shows up about as much anymore as Peter Lorre or Peter Rabbit. Recently, he had that little power struggle with Bobby Howry over the supremacy of WDIG but Marty deftly lured Howry into sticking his foot in his mouth and the struggle died as quickly as it came to life.

Otherwise, anymore, Marty’s been a lion with no teeth, or in his case, a snake with no fangs. I remember once when Chuck Daly, the architect behind the great Detroit Pistons’ run in the 80’s and 90’s, once said when he was retiring “When I started to enjoy the refs and the media, it was time to get out.” When you actually WELCOME Marty Moon on the scene, it’s time to either phase him out or shed the old snake skin and slither back into the broadcast booth. It’s your move, Thorpiverse.

Otherwise, he’s just another announcer in press row and whoever heard of a snake trying to eat Alpo with the rest of the dogs? I don’t think he’ll be riding with Babar the Elephant and the rest of the family when they go on vacation. Where he’s going to stay when they spend the night at the Marriott. The bathroom sink? And don’t put him in a group photo when they take a family picture at the Grand Canyon. Snakes and elephants really don’t mix in the family album.

With Dr. Pearl blasting Guided By Voices’ “I am a Tree” from her 1909 boom box

“No, Gil, I really couldn’t use Mr. Moon as an office aide.”

“What about for summer school?”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Able To Get Grandma To Shop At Costco Without A Memory Aid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She remember that stores still sold Jif. Proud of her.”

What possible reason could Marty Moon have for sticking his arm behind his head unlesshecis perhaps aerating his underarms???? I remember when Garry Owen, the unofficial emcee on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, used to cup his hand to his ear whenever he read a copy of news, advertisement, Gil’s next hair appointment, Mudlarks next 3 Valley Conference opponents, Dr. Pearl’s renewed wedding vows with Mr. Dr. Pearl at Milford Interdenominational Fellowship Church, etc. but Marty is not even doing that. Marty, we have Q-Tips if you are contemplating plucking the ear wax out of your ear with your index finger.

Then there’s the soliloquy Marty is engaging in henceforth. He has Gregg Hamm basically pistol-whipping himself the way it’s being described

“Gregg was a dumbass who couldn’t pick up that ping-pong ball and throw to first, though for the life of me what he was even doing out of the grassy part of the infield and how a bunt wound up close to second base is beyond my comprehension but Gregg is using a switchblade on himself and carving himself into 728 pieces after bungling that bunt attempt and allowing the Oakwood player to score an inside-the-park home run on a piss-ass bunt attempt that got caught in the shortstop’s testicles and now he’s using the catchers mask to strike his dental work and all his teeth are strewn out in the dugout and I’d hate to see what would happen if he gave up a grand slam. Nuke himself?”

Over and out, Marty.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Chemical Plans Strong Counterargument In Joe Sharkey’s Clientele’s Accusations!!!!!!!!! Claims Their Talcum Powder Is Perfectly Safe!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“These frivilous charges that starving children in China contract the mumps when applying Gold Bond Medicated Powder will be dealt with severely by our legal team.”

Nice to know that Gregg got bailed out by Steve Lehto and Nomar “Ramon Somar to you” Ramos and maybe Gregg will have no more eyeballs bouncing around (from Exploding Eyeball Effect, you understand) with the wiffleball that is still being held at large. We should be able to locate both by the time Luhm lays down the tarp.

But is this going to go back and forth, i.e., Gregg loses a few more eyeballs, Pa Hamm gets caught by the French gendarme and shipped back to Devil’s Island to room with Pa Bader and Papillon, Oakwood goes up 18-2, Scooter tells Gil to get his head out of his Jordaches, Milford regains the lead thanks to 4 grand slams and a balk sending a runner home, Gregg loses his retinae, Pa Hamm escapes and gets on a boat with some Haitian refugees and manages to make it by the 5th inning, etc., etc., etc.?

Hope Gil has a closer.

“And that’s the 12th bunt attempt Gregg Hamm has failed to handle cleanly or at all. Where is Coach Thorp when you need him? A rhetorical question if you ask me. While there’s a pitching change made by Scooter Borden, we’ll take time out with the score, Oakwood, 14, Milford, 3. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Thorp household

“Mommy, Daddy is in the bathtub naked but he isn’t waking up.”

“Has he been drinking? I knew he shouldn’t have attended that Faculty Bacchanalian Orgy LoveFest this aftern-OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KERI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CALL 9-1-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Whew!!!!!!!!!! That was a close one!!!!!!!!!!! Hi, this is Joe Sharkey, Injury Attorney, and we have helped Milford citizens recover billions in lost wages and outrageous medical bills, not to mention the distress caused by shoddily manufactured products. Mr. Thorp was applying Johnson’s No More Tears Jock Itch Formulated Powder when he passed out because the fumes overwhelmed him. Misapplied crotches and missing out on coaching responsibilities did not contribute to North Carolina State winning the NCAA Championship when Lorenzo Charles slammed it through.”

“Thank God, my daughter had diarrhea or she might not have caught me in time. I had jock itch something fierce but when I applied the medicine, it smelled odd. I found out later on that Milford Chemical had switched routes on the assembly line belt and that their pesticide applications were being inserted in the Petri dish of the jock itch concoction before they have to send it to the pipette streamer for further distilation. And the Bunsen burners had lipstick smeared on them. Who runs the show, Harold Stassen?”

“Man, that sounds like somebody flunked High School Chemistry Education 101. Does anybody know how to operate the blender that dries the test tubes? We weren’t going to let them be held unaccountable for their negligence. Just because my client had jock itch at rabies level does not signify that Milford Chemical could run wild with their production line. I really wonder if employees use safety goggles when adding dihedraysulfanemethyloxideacetylicbutanehydrogenlithioperoxidephenylthalene to the bowl, a key ingredient to jock itch medicine. You misspell this by one letter and you could contract herpes in a matter of days.”

“I received $4,673,907,247 for the mishap. I was sent a written letter of apology and they fired the cafeteria manager. I will use this money for Keri’s and Jaime’s college scholarship fund. Tuition can get expensive so now I’m covered. Thanks, Joe.”

“You heard the man. What are you waiting for? Filing deadlines for claims are rapidly approaching so unless you have filed before the 15th when the moon is in its half quarter and after they celebrate Guy Fawkes Day on the leap year when daffodils are in full bloom on the day Milford Nursery opens its chickpea garden for the summer before the seasonal workers take their second break, you are SOL. Why delay? Get the money you deserve and live life to the fullest. 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”

Now, c’mon, Gang, that is NOT Peter Lorre in P2. I saw him speaking German in some foreign flick so the differences are blatantly apparent. Marty barely knows Pig Latin.

Orherwise, God bless you, Gang.

“Mommy, Daddy is scratching himself bad. Does he have mosquitos around his wee wee?”

“Gil, you picked up the Raid can again, didn’t you?”


  1. I loved that 1975 movie that EM was in, ‘The Legend of Lizzie Borden’. She gave a great performance and the movie even showed a popular theory that Lizzie Borden did her dirty work in the buff. As a teen at the time, I always wished that they had really showed EM entirely in the buff too. And you are correct sir. While Hammy stumbles and bumbles around the mound, you don’t even see Gil or his trained chimpanzee helper, Kaz, offer up any kind of encouragement or advice, like even a simple “..Greg?…are you ok out there?…”. Or perhaps a visit to the mound to settle everyone down (something that Dusty Baker neglected to do in the Bartman game…he just sat there, chewin’ on his toothpick and let the team implode on their own without a single mound visit). or, Gil must be like fuckin Connie Mack was (near the end of his managerial career) when he would regularly doze off in the dugout during ordinary day games. That’s the only explanation that I can think of at this point. That’s probably why Marty notices young Hamm ‘giving himself a lecture in the dugout’, too because there certainly aren’t any coaches in the Milford dugout willing to do that. Unless, of course, Hammy went into the wrong dugout.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 10, 2022 @ 2:10 pm

  2. That’s a really bad hop for a bunt. Maybe the dudes broken thumb was attached to the ball.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 10, 2022 @ 3:15 pm

  3. Yeah, there’s no way a bunt bounces like that. Even a non-blind player would miss that play.

    As far as the talcum powder (baby powder), there’s some lawsuit with baby powder causing cancer in some situations? I don’t know the exact details.

    Comment by MopMan — May 10, 2022 @ 8:41 pm

  4. Did somebody say “Elizabeth Montgomery as an ingenue”? Phwoar!

    Today’s post coming directly.

    Comment by teenchy — May 11, 2022 @ 5:52 am

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