This Week in Milford

May 12, 2022

That Gil You Do.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:28 pm

You

Doing that Gil you do

Breakin’ this plot into a million pieces

Like you always do

And you

Intend this to be cruel

You never even catch on about the headache

We’ve been poring through

Well, we’re pleading and try to forget you, Gil

But it’s just so hard to do

Everytime you do that Gil you do

Thank you, Philip and Billy for your votes of confidence. It means the world to me and keeps me going.

That said, Thorpiverse, you force me to rip the robe off and tighten the boxing gloves and enter the ring with a vengeance.

I am not denying the stat about Nolan Ryan and it wouldn’t terribly surprise me. Basically, if we’re rounding off the math, out of 100 chances, he mishandled 10 of those. By comparison, Tom Seaver and Steve Carlton only muffed 4-5 of those opportunities. And that’s as close to apples as you could approach with oranges. As I believe Mark Twain once stated “There’s lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Ryan only knew one speed while Carlton and Seaver were shrewd pitchers who mixed their pitches well. And because of that, they may not have always struck out batters, but as Joe Garigiola once pointed out “A successful pitcher will always keep the batter off-stride”. That was Carlton and Seaver incarnate. Even if you made contact with the ball, it wasn’t good contact and many times the ball was a room-service job that Seaver or Carlton could easily throw to 1st base. Factor in Carlton’s pick-off moves, and with that tall lanky frame and his chicanery, you DIDN’T try to steal second, and it’s little wonder that Carlton was one of the greats.

Ryan had no such luxury. A 97MPH fastball that was contacted would COME BACK to the pitcher at 97MPH and remember, T-verse, Ryan was only 60 feet from home plate (okay, 6 more inches to that if ya wanna get chirpy about it) . Comebackers at warp speed were adventures and therefore not always easy to field, let alone throw to first base.

And to follow Philip’s excellent line of reasoning, Ryan was not above throwing chin music, especially if somebody jacked a home run off of him, but he was no different than any other pitcher given that situation. Many pitchers throw brushback pitches in situations like these. And to say Ryan threw at someone’s head when that someone scratched a bunt off of him is about as preposterous as it sounds. Batters were just trying to MAKE CONTACT, so attempting to throw your bat at a 101MPH fastball was out of the question. You pretty much had to swing away. That’s why many of the hits he gave up were home runs because, as mentioned before, a 101MPH offering that was met with solid contact was often going to travel long and fast.

Ryan’s bugbear, T-verse, was not his fielding but his control. When a 101MPH fastball went down Broadway, he pitched a complete-game victory. He set a record at one time for fewest hits allowed per 9 innings (just over 5 hits per 9 innings) . But many years he was in the Top Ten in walks. Batters weren’t about to swing at pitches clearly out of the strike zone because they couldn’t make contact with it anyway. Those nights, Ryan hit the showers in the 3rd or 4th inning. It wasn’t his night. A lot of 18-15 seasons accompanied his career.

To hit this from another perspective would be to bring Bill Buckner into the discussion. He started out with the Dodgers, then later played for the Cubs and Red Sox. Of course, baseball aficionados remember him for his fielding gaffe at 1st base in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. I feel it was unfair because, while he was a better hitter (great eye at the plate, rarely struck out) than fielder, he did a few times lead the league in assists (at 1st base) plus his own bugbear was injuries, constantly fighting with mushy knees his whole career. Those knees failed him on that play (IMO, Red Sox manager John McNamara perhaps might have been better to put Dave Stapleton, a defensive specialist, at 1st base) and the rest, as they say, was history. My point is Nolan Ryan would not have muffed that one. Again, he was a fitness fanatic and was able to make plays like that with a minimum of trouble.

Thorpiverse, please quit rewriting history. Gregg Hamm has a problem and it looks like Gil went to the Milford Lounge for All You Can Eat Brain Sandwiches Happy Hour to address that problem. Don’t make Ryan a scapegoat and make him one of Coach Thorp’s assistants. Then again, Ryan would throw chin music at guys like Bobby Howry so keep the Ryan Express on the backburner for now.

At the Mudlark gym

“Here’s a brand new group I bet you’re gonna love. From right here in Milford THE THORPEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“That’s THORPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

What is this with Scooter in P1? He looks like he would fit in Dick Tracy’s Rogues Gallery. Gogglebrain. What an apropos appellation. This is about as ridiculous of artwork as I’ve seen in quite some time. Anybody who remembers reading Little Lotta, Little Audrey, Richie Rich, Little Dot surely remember when the artwork was occasionally a little out of kilter. As if the cartoonists were on vacation and the scabs gave it the old college try but us kids wanted the regular cartoonists to return and make Little Dot look like Little Dot, not Gil Thorp with dots all over his face. Who wanted Little Lotta eating banana splits at Coffee Cantina? That’s what he have today, cartoonists on vacation even if they never left the building. Just slop a black streak over Scooter’s eyes and hope to God they’ll recognize the face. Rolling the dice the wrong way, T-verse. A Nolan Ryan comebacker that ended up a gutterball.

I mean, if I want creatures that stepped off the landing craft behind the concession stand and told Coach Thorp he’s more comfortable playing infield, I’ll watch Lost in Space. I can get my Magic Marker and implement a streak across Dagwood’s upper visage and maybe con somebody into believing I saw the same thing in a Ray Bradbury story. I Sing The Body Scooter, what a plotline.

Oh, let me tell you, you always knew when The Flintstones cartoonists went on strike. There was one episode where Betty Rubble was a trapezoid upside down. That’s pretty much Scooter in P1. Betty Rubble with too much lipstick and Papermate smudged on the set.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Thorpes Scheduled To Perform ‘That Gil You Do’ At Milford VFW Memorial Day Dance/Luau!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Korean Veterans in particular can’t wait to get on the dance floor. ‘That Gil You Do’ has helped boost beer sales.”

Now there you go again, Scooter, spouting statistics that really don’t tie into reality or really aren’t pertinent to Gregg’s situation. Ryan only had trouble with grounders that flew at him based upon the speed of light. The cans of corn he nonchalantly threw to first, inning over. Gregg can’t even catch the can of corn two inches from his face, either at the speed of light or the speed of a lightning bug. As the readers have mentioned over and over, this is something that should have been diagnosed in the preseason, not when it’s clear Gregg can’t even pick up a ping pong ball when it’s bouncing on the ping pong table. Trash talk the Valley Tech runner all you want, Scooter. Gregg needs help and telling the runner his mother wears army boots and shaves with a garden hoe isn’t going to change the landscape where Gregg couldn’t pick up the garden hoe because he is still trying to pick up the ping pong ball bouncing all over the driveway. Need a putter’s aid, Gregg?

Oh, but when Mister Hamm finally convinces the person taking his ticket at the admission gate that he is not Pancho Villa, he might be able to slip Dr. Scholl Prescription Blu-Blockers through the dugout fence. Gregg can catch the ping pong ball because he can see better plus the ultra-violet rays that scorched Scooter’s forehead are blocked. Yeah, stick that in your jock strap and smoke it, Valley Tech runner.

At the backstage of the Milford County Fair

“You will no longer be The Thorpes. It’s too confusing. Thorpees and Slurpees get mixed in and next thing you know, fans think you’re an traveling advertisement for Milford 7-11. From now on, you’ll just be The Thorps.”

“Can we still get free Slurpees, Mr. White?”

“Sure, Gil. You all look good in Mudlark Red, BTW, have I ever told you that?”

We

Know all the games they’ve played

And we’re gonna find a way to let Gil know that

They’ll be toast someday

”Cause we

Would be happy, can’t you see

If Gil only let us be the ones to punt it

Bag it permanently

”Cause we try and try to forget you, Gil

But it’s just so hard to do

Everytime you do that Gil you do

We aren’t letting this Nolan Ryan Couldn’t Field A Question concept die, are we? P2 is continuing this half-story and keeping this comatose story alive, warts and all. Sure, I wanted to keep my 103-year-old (true story, BTW) grandmother alive as long as she still had teeth and eyes and some decent sense of mobility but when it was clear Dentu-Cream wasn’t going to make up for lack of teeth and dentures wasn’t going to address the 103-year-old intestines that were digesting her McDonald’s sausage and biscuits, it was only a matter of time before she met her maker. Going to Pearle Vision Center and indulging in Buy One Pair, Get Reading Glasses Free wasn’t going to alleviate the problem of 103-year-old eyes. Thorpiverse, cut your losses.

“We’ll be touring all the way into September. The fans think you are hot property so you’ll be busy. And you look good in Valley Tech blue, have I ever told you that?”

“Mr. White?”

“Yes, Gil?”

“I have to coach in September.”

“Gil, this is your shot at the Big Show. Besides, you haven’t shown up the last 60 years. Nobody’ll notice.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“The Thorps To Perform ‘That Gil You Do’ At Local Event!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tickets Selling Fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Concert to take place at 7th inning stretch in game between Valley Modified and Milford Freshman team, just after Jay’s Subs Catering Service arrives.”

And we not only have to send Nolan Ryan to an early grave, we have to get the Shadow People involved. Nothing like zombies painted black talking about how Ryan combed his hair or what hotel he slept in when they were on the road. This’ll liven things up around here, fer sure. As long as this plot is dying a slow death, we might as well involve creatures from outer space discussing to the death how the Pittsburgh Pirates came from 3-1 down to win the ’79 Series. It’s because Pops Stargell fielded a ton because he threw at manager Chuck Tanner before the games. Omar Moreno had that stork batting stance at the plate because Nolan Ryan couldn’t field a foul ball by the dugout. Dave Parker wore a tutu under his uniform. And Rick Rhoden was Tod Andrews when the latter went on summer vacation. Man, I’m like Thorpiverse, full of ideas and something else I better not print with all the Christian zombies reading this post.

Speaking of Dave Parker and Nolan Ryan, the latter was pitching in the twilight of his career in a game with Durwood Merrill as umpire, who was occasionally taken to task on his reputed Grand Canyon strike zone. After one game, where Ryan rang up 14 K’s, 8 of them on called strike 3′ s, Parker complained loud and long to the press. Rarely ever complaining about the umpires, he got his money’s worth as he got heavily fined for the comments.

Dave Winfield playfully quipped but still drove home the point “Nolan Ryan is a great legend but Durwood’s strike zone made him a lot greater.”

Thorpiverse continues to insult our intelligence in P3 by coming up with stories better suited for bedtime stories. Once upon a time there was this pitcher named Nolan Ryan and the big bad dragon bunted off of him and later scored the tying run. The next time up at the plate our dear Nolan threw at the dragon’s head. The umpire issued a warning.

Boy, that’ll put the kids to beddy bye.

Whatever this obsession with Nolan and The Amazing Technicolor Chin Music, it may not really have any basis in the real world but apparently it will get into the Valley Techster’s head and Milford will go on to win in a blaze of glory like they have since some schmuck back in the 50’s helped Milford win because he told the Techster runner, crew cut and all (’50’s, mind you) , that Ernie Johnson helped the Milwaukee Braves win the ’57 Series because he threw at Mickey Mantle and Tony Kubek every time they attempted a suicide squeeze. The tradition, y’know.

We don’t ask a lot (don’t ask Gil a lot)

But we one thing’s for sure (know Gil’s dumb for sure)

It’s the love we haven’t got, Gil

And we just can’t take it anymore (WHOA!!!!!!!!!)

‘Cause we

Could be happy, can’t you see

We could be the ones to grab you

And hang you to a tree

‘Cause we try and try to forget you, Gil

And it’s painful when we view

Everytime you do that Gil you do

“My land, what the Thorps won’t do for an encore!!!!!!!!!! Wasn’t that drum solo by Guy Patterson off of Gil’s hair a fait d’accomplait? We’ll be back at the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater to wrap up this night for the stars on the King Biscuit/Milford Foundry Flower Hour after these messages.”

In the Thorp’s back yard

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’ll teach you to bunt off of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Next time you try to scoot one down the line, I’ll be throwing at your shoe tops!!!!!!!!!! And wipe that smile off your face!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi and Keri and Jaime are in the living room, watching Milford Championship Pro Wrestling w/ Lance Russell and Dave Brown. Jerry Lawler and Jeff Jarrett are about to implent a Double Arm Bar Vertical Suplex on Mr. Clyde and Freezer Thompson. They hear banging and bonging in the back yard.

“Mommy, who was Morgan Cryin’? Because Daddy said Morgan was going to rip somebody’s jock strap and stuff it in his suitcase.”

“WHAT???? This had better be good!!!!”

In the back yard, Gil is throwing at scarecrows in a simulated batter’s box, using the chess boards for the boxes. Gil is 60′ 6″ and throwing heat at the scarecrows’ crania. In the process, he is working himself into a sexual dither.

“GIL!!!!!!!!!!! What are you doing???? Cease and desist!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, I am Nolan Ryan and I won’t let some pussy bunt off of me and get away with it!!!!!!!! I’ll be throwing chin music at Joe Schlabotnik and Buddy Biancalana all day long to send a message to bring your chopped wood to the plate, not a toothpick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I use a toothpick to scrape the olives out of my teeth from that pizza I ate at the Faculty Orgy, not get under the sheets and do battle with my partner!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, Mickey Mantle, try to jack another one out of The House That Ruth Built, I DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mommy, why does Daddy hunch the scarecrow after he’s thrown at his head? Does Morgan Cryin’ get that happy when he’s got a hard-on.?

“Keri, that’s Nolan Ryan!!!!!!!!!! And watch your language!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, this is a disgrace to me and the kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Keri, a man has to perform on the mound and in bed. When Dennis Eckersly threw that batting practice pitch to Kirk Gibson in the ’88 Series, I’ll bet it’s because he barely scratched the surface with his wife the night before. You won’t win no Cy Youngs throwing hanging curves with your wim wim when doing business with your wife.”

BAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Take that, Kirk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Betcha won’t even THINK about parking one on my neighbor’s garage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mommy, is Kirk Gibson that mean principal at Milford Elementary? He spanked 3 kids with tire jack this week.”

“No, Keri, Honey, and if Daddy would ingest those EREC-7308 Talcum Sensitive Sleep Formula Tablets, there’d be no need to throw at some scarecrows he must have stolen from Milford Valley Vineyards.”

“Folks, it’s like this. A pitcher worth his weight in gold will do what he’s gotta do to protect the plate. And if that means throwing a brushback or two, either at the plate or in bed, then so be it. When was the last time you saw Steve Carlton have to take an early shower because his wife was banging them off the scoreboard at Veteran’s Stadium? Only when he throws some chin music in bed can he keep sex honest. Important in a relationship. And Steve says TAKE THAT Dale Murphy and Bob Horner, you won’t hit another in the Launching Pad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mommy?”

“Yes, Jaime, what is it?”

“The farmer from Milford Valley said he won’t press charges if Daddy will throw the scarecrows in the pickup.”

“I naturally obliged and got a glass of water and took the EREC-7308 Tablets. I not only got a good night’s sleep, I got great sex and no jock itch. And I didn’t have to throw whiffle balls at scarecrows to work up a a sweat. Isn’t it time for you to come clean and get your own scarecrows out of the closet? With proven treatment plans and a first-rate medical team voted #1 by Milford Medical Monthly, your Erecrile Dysfunction will land in the seats because YOU hit the long ball. Come get a tape job today at Milford Men’s Clinic.

Man, every time you Gil that thing you do, I just want to read Marmaduke. This has got to stop.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

At WDIG recording studio

“I QUIT, MR. WHITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Gil walks out

“The Thorps are in breach of contract.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. White.”

“Don’t worry, Guy. Gil will have to return to perform at Mudlark Stadium if he wants to coach football. He didn’t read the fine print.”

6 Comments »

  1. A major league pitcher uses a fast ball to brush the tip of the batter’s nose? Umps will tolerate that, to some extent. A high school kid does it in front of a high school ump? The Hammer is going to get ejected.
    Of course, all this is simply an awkward plot device to make Gil and Kaz deal with their pitcher’s blindness, which should have been uncovered during the pre-season physical, and during pretty much every drill they would have run.

    Comment by Philip — May 12, 2022 @ 1:41 pm

  2. Although this isn’t the first GT character, male and female, that I’ve said this about, Scooter sure is a dick. Who the fuck is he to start making threats to opposing players that Gregg wouldn’t most likely follow through on, and, even though Gil doesn’t seem like he’s present, he actually is present, and won’t approve of this shit. Who sez that Gregg will approve of this as well. “Fun to have around”, my ass. Kick him off the team and make him go to the Bucket alone. And screw you, dick-wad….we’re gonna bunt so much, that your pitcher is gonna be too winded from bending down to field bunts that he won’t be able to accurately throw a ball in anyone’s direction. Not to mention, he will get tossed if he offers up two HBPs. So go ahead with your bad self and try and stop us, punk.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 12, 2022 @ 2:19 pm

  3. I don’t think Ggerg Hamm N Egger can put it right there on purpose. So lighten up Francis.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 12, 2022 @ 3:32 pm

  4. You guys have it all wrong. By pointing to his own head, Scooter is telling the VT player that if they keep bunting, Gregg is going to bean Scooter for getting him into this stupid situation. He’s just letting them know that his blood will be on their hands.

    Comment by MopMan — May 12, 2022 @ 5:50 pm

  5. 1. I don’t remember if McNamara said this or someone else, but essentially Buckner was left in the game because as a longtime veteran at the end of his career who lost a WS in 1974, he just thought it would be a fitting tribute to be on the field for the final out… (As a Mets fan I never, ever get tired of talking about ’86… Partially because I really hate talking about 1987 and 1988)…

    2. I don’t get it… Is Scooter the Pest saying Greggg is going headhunting if anyone dates to bunt? Even though he can’t see the fucking plate? Is Scooter threatening aa to get his friends involved in a beanball war they know *nothing* about? Because now that he’s put out the challenge, Greggg has to come through or else they’re soft, right?? What an odious little reptilian turd…

    3. Sorry, I have to say just because Greggg is blind it doesn’t mean he’s DEAF… Don’t tell me that he isn’t hearing Scooter write all these loud checks Greggg is gonna have to make good on… Why doesn’t he just step off the mound, call the infielders in, and tell Scooter to kindly STFU??

    3a. And I thought Scooter was supposed to be watching the signs from the catcher so he could relay them to Greggg? He can’t relay signs and play sports trivia with the runner at the same time…

    3b. It’s funny because despite his reputation, Nolan Ryan wasn’t that much of an intentional headhunter compared to his 60s/70s contemporaries: Gibson… Drysdale… Marichal –Those were some REAL dome crackers….

    Comment by Hitorque — May 12, 2022 @ 6:14 pm

  6. 1986!!! Fukkit. I was living in western mass, and drove to Chicago with the GF to run the marathon. Went to the Salonika, had too much fat & beer, came back to the Lincoln, & watched that nightmare game.
    Did OK in the marathon, but of course the pain & exhaustion were beyond measure.
    Got a bucket of Ribs & Bibs chicken to make the 900 mile drive back on time with the rental. Fueled up at a Ponderosa except for a minor episode with a confusion between whipped cream & tartar sauce. Managed to keep going with apples preventing passing out.
    Good times!!

    Comment by Downpuppy — May 12, 2022 @ 6:40 pm


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