This Week in Milford

June 14, 2022

“No, Heather, Tennis Is Done For The Season. You Might Want To Interview Gregg Instead.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:30 pm

I was watching Milford’s Got Talent recently and have to admit I enjoyed this act where Pam Quinn, an aspiring musician and songwriter, sings along with her chihuahua who goes by the name of Casper (like the Friendly Ghost) . Apparently the dog gets it as before she sang All By Myself by Eric Carmen, she told him “You only sing the chorus”. Lo and behold, as she got to ALL BY MYSELF, the dog started howling somewhat in sync with the notes being sang which just overwhelmed the judges like Simon Cowell and Howie Mandel. Pam and Casper suddenly became an overnight sensation.

God, don’t get that dog near this plot. He’d be howling all night and we’d never approach the Golf Month a/k/a July. It is ridiculous to see Thorpiverse attempt to make up for poor plot development with the Tennis Girl by inducing her to drop in on the Hamm residence and drop off some pretty inane advice. You want nobody to know you’re blind? Eat lots of Campbell’s Soup. Those veggies might return some of your sight.

Since we’re on a roll why not bring Gregg’s dad back into this and undevelop some more bad plot development? Actually, that might have a legitimate story to it but if we have to pass through Tennis Girl and learn that the best way to develop a good forehand stroke is to throw to the other batter’s box, it’s not worth wading through cow manure to get my Happy Meal. Plus we’re only weeks away from Golf Story. T-verse, you better wrap this Mr. Hamm Is In Reality Rambo ASAP. What are we going to do, find out that Tennis Girl’s coach is a Viet Cong guerrilla and that Rambo and Gil are going to fight the whole legion of them by Coffee Cantina, i.e., 2 vs 40,000 and that gets wrapped up by the end of the week when Gregg decides to join the A Team and follow in his dad’s footsteps? Please.

And what better way to run plot development in the ground than to bring Heather Burns back into this sniveling tripe? Oh, that’ll upgrade things from Really Sucks Out The Wazoo to Plot Still Has Holes That Resemble Dr. Pearls Bicuspids. Glad to see somebody excited to see Gregg’s name in the papers but Gregg knows better. He’s seeing what we’re all seeing, that if Gregg’s dad is indeed on the lam, an interview or story might put Gregg in an unintentional bad light since his dad’s enemies are bound to read the Milford Star (Gangsters with no life? Only in Milford) and eventually manage to flag down Mr. Hamm’s whereabouts. Only to see this plot spill over into August, what with Mr. Hamm spend all of July ducking out on Don Corleone? Tennis Girl won’t be able to hide him at Milford Tennis Club and disguise him as Arthur Ashe. More stupidity that’s also unnecessary, although that describes Gil in the 3rd base coach’s box.

She can interview Tarzan but he’s about to leave. You better hustle, Heather, before he returns to the jungle.

“Our next contestant on Milford’s Got Talent is Coach Thorp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“All right, Coach, so tell us what you’re going to do.”

“I’m going to tell jokes. In fact, I am going to perform the same comedy routine I did at Milford Comedy Caravan and I brought Casper along to laugh at all my jokes. You never know, Mr. Cowell.”

“You’re right, we’ll never know.”


Curtis, what ball game are you watching? Member of the media? Granted, Heather is now a reporter but there’s a world of difference between being a reporter for the New York Times and a crawl space engineer like Marjie Ducey for the Hicktown Gazette. Let’s not confuse Heather Cronkite(touche, Hitorque) with the Associated Press.

Curtis evidently has a short memory. Heather couldn’t and WOULDN’T take orders from her soccer coach so she got a job bossing around lunkheads like Moose Pelwicki. And even that fell by the wayside. So she goes to the Milford Star virtually willing to do anything, including taking Zane Clark’s job of mopping the floors and cleaning the cigarette butts out of Marjie’s ash tray and next thing you know, she’s Horace Greeley. She could Go West to Gil’s office without being required to go through Gil’s bathroom window.

Therefore, Curtis, yes, Heather is a reporter for the Milford Star but no, calling her a member of the media is equivalent to giving Archie Andrews the same status. Both are smart but green behind the ears. The difference is, one goes to school in a clunker of a car. At least, I haven’t seen Heather trying to get a story on Jughead Jones’ fetish for hamburgers.

Tarzan is still in the locker room, Heather. Keep the tape recorder ready.

On Milford’s Got Talent!!!

“…and Heather Burns asked me, ‘Coach, can I get an interview about the baseball team?’ and I answered ‘What do I look like, Mimi Thorp after she got the runs for eating too many Marie Callender Chicken Pot Pies?'”


“Shut up, Casper!!!!!!!! That’s not your cue!!!!!!!!!!”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Buzzed Off Stage One Minute After Performing On Milford’s Got Talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Simon Cowell: ‘Mister Simpson simply did an awful rendition of Deep Purple’s Highway Star. He needs more practice on the organ.'”

This really DOES suck out the wazoo. I am going to go out on a limb and say that’s Curtis in P2. Maybe the artwork isn’t so bad that Curtis bears a striking resemblance to Igor (EYE-gore, if you saw the movie) in Young Frankenstein but c’mon, he looks like a vagrant rhino being surveyed on Wild Kingdom. I’m Marlon Perkins and today we’re headed to Milford High School cafeteria after reports of wild boar spotted by the conndiments table. We are being extra cautious and bringing extra tasers in case one decides to run over the cafeteria ladies wiping up the faculty table.

Anyway, in P1 Gregg is in the process of a potential interview with Heather Cronkite. Then in P2, Curtis brings up Witness Protection. Whoa hoss. Gregg was just a story-in-waiting, at least in Curtis’ eyes. And I could understand Gregg’s reluctance, given one of the reasons being that his dad might be a fugitive from somewhere. But how did Curtis make the quantum leap from Gregg in the locker room as a reluctant hero to his family being the equivalent of The Brady Bunch hiding out in Hickory, Indiana from Goodfellas? Curtis sees Norman Dale suddenly on the basketball floor and because he made Jimmy Chitwood run stairs for dogging the lay-up drill that Curtis concludes that Coach Dale is dodging the mob after he performed his last hit job on a rival family? Talk about crappy plot development. Watch your backside, Coach Dale. You might actually get terminated next time and it won’t be because they voted you out at Hickory Community Church. There won’t be a recount on this one and Jimmy Chitwood might get shot up in the parking lot on his way to defending you. Yeah, Coach goes, I go. Just make sure you stay alive when you say that.

At Milford’s Got Talent!!!

“Okay, Dr. Pearl, what have you got for us?”

“I am going to play on my acoustic guitar Jimi Hendrix’s Crosstown Traffic, Hey Joe, and The Wind Cries Mary. Hendrix has always been my idol and I feel a calling to entertain, Mr. Cowell.”

“All right, the stage is yours.”



Which can only lead to the inevitable

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl An Overnight Sensation At Milford’s Got Talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mandel and Cowell opine that it may be necessary to quit her day job.”

Shazam!!!!!!!!! Is that Gomer Pyle before he enlisted in the Marine Corps? Goober, his cousin, must be somewhere in the cafeteria. No better way to take a lunch break from Wally’s Service Station than to talk about Goodfellas in the high school cafeteria. I’m sure Gomer and Goober can contribute their two cents worth to this conversation. No, Goober, Otis the Drunk is not one of Goodfellas.

And everything looks legit on the tray up front, although I’m debating whether that’s a chili dog, an oversized Oscar Meyer wiener on bun or a Twinkie. Too close to call.

The Pantheon of Mysterious Objects really cranks up a notch at Curtis’ table. WHAT are those objet d’arts in front of Gomer? Unconsumed Vanilla Moon Pies? A toy S.S. Minnow for Gomer and Gilligan to entertain themselves with? A stray paper clip to attach the moon pies together? Why it’s a complicated concept to draw cups and plates at a distance is beyond my realm of understanding. Just use the Magic Marker and if it gets too blotchy from drawing one Dixie cup too many, just say it’s fertilizer being utilized to grow more chocolate moon pies. Well, it won’t be a mystery anyway. We can account for items better suited at a yard sale. We’ll know what it looks like anyway.

At Milford’s Got Talent!!!

“Ms. Burns, what are you going to do for us?”

“Ms. Klum, I am going to do all kinds of juggling tricks with 15 soccer balls. I panned as a soccer player so I want to make up for my.lack of ambition to the accompaniment of Kiss’s Do You Love Me.”

“Okay. The stage is yours.”

We conclude this Plot That Hardly Concludes with Gregg making his pitch at the dinner table and Mister Hamm not surprisingly rejecting his proposal in light of Mr. Hamm’s dubious and questionable circumstances. Lot of blanks unfilled and with Thorpiverse, God knows when those blanks will be completed to everyone’s satisfaction. I’d rather eat that Chili-Twinkie Dog off that tray in P2. I’m sure we’ll know in the next few days why Mrs. Hamm shot in front of Mr. Hamm when a friendly camera angled their way just as sure as that patio furniture is melded to the treated wood. Yeah, both might have some elements that might never get separated to make any sense but we can sit on either one in case it gets down to cases. Gregg might never grace us with his presence on the front page of the Milford Star but we can read the obituaries on the chaise lounge welded to the grass. You have to find a silver lining in the final analysis.

Gang, thank you for your support. God bless you all.

At Milford’s Got Talent!!!

“I am going to show I still got it as a coach after 60 ye-“



  1. What’s this? An actual conversation between Graggggg and his parents? I thought that they either fled the state, were deliberately kept out of the loop, or just plain didn’t GAF about what he did, considering he’s letting his eye doctor meet with the coach, without either of them present, and the coach letting him play organized fast pitch by wearing some cockamamie and unproven headgear device that may or may not stop him from being killed or permanently injured, without any sort of input from his parents. It seems like the only thing that Gregg’s flaky-ass dad cares about is not getting his name and photo in any sort of public medium, even a little shitty one, like the Milford Star. What a douche. This non-part of this non-story is another big swing and a miss by Rubin, as usual.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 14, 2022 @ 1:16 pm

  2. The media. You mean The Tank Town Herald? Is that the big oaf narc? The would be muscle for last season’s dumb ass? He has to look up witness protection on the internet?! Watch Goodfellas you turd!
    Then there’s Henry Hill himself in the kitchen. I hope Gergg doesn’t forget his lucky hat.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 14, 2022 @ 2:43 pm

  3. Yeah, yeah, all that stuff about the plot, good points. But at this moment what I really want to know is who is the girl eating a double lunch in P2? Why hide her face? The suspense is killing me!

    Comment by MopMan — June 14, 2022 @ 2:57 pm

  4. 1. I give up… Evidently the blind kid kicking the ball all over the field (and whose team seems to win regardless) is going to be anointed an official “hero” by Heather Cronkite and get the full-page feature story treatment because Heather obviously doesn’t cover any other local sports news or local high schools/colleges/minor league baseball or hockey or whatever on her beat… We also know she’s oh so fucking desperate to curry favor with her idol Gilberto so he’ll finally notice HER and divorce Gilbertina once and for all…

    2. Oh, right… Daddy Hammm’s hard-hitting explosive news story (which he’s been working on for months — He might as well have just written a book already) takes precedent over his son needing urgent medical attention to salvage what’s left of his eyesight… And I guess that’s only fair since Junior’s pitching starts and vanity over having to wear some kind of softshell helmet take precedent over his own health… If neither Greggg nor his parents, nor his coaches nor his teammates nor his friends, NOR HIS DOCTOR (you mean to tell me she hasn’t given him ANY medical instructions all this time, or prescribed ANY kind of medicine to help?!) give a rat’s ass about him going blind, why should I care?

    Comment by hitorque — June 14, 2022 @ 3:07 pm

  5. I think double meal girl might be one of the Vatican’s Swiss Guards.

    Speaking of eating, maybe Papa Hamm would pay attention to his son’s failing eyesight if Ggerg stabbed him in the hand with a fork at the dinner table.

    Comment by teenchy — June 14, 2022 @ 9:04 pm

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