This Week in Milford

June 15, 2022

Steamed Hamms

Reading Gil Thorp takes more than the usual suspension of disbelief (because reasons) and a really long attention span (to deal with all the smash cuts). This spring’s plot has doled out more than its share of each and today just adds to the pile.

First, we learn that Papa Hamm’s weirdness about being seen in public not drawing attention to himself extends to his family. Why, then, did he allow Gregg to play baseball to being with? More importantly, we learn that the weirdness may be a self-imposed “rule” and not a condition of being in the witness protection program. Finally we learn that Mama Hamm cuts up Papa Hamm’s food for him, which kinda damages what little credibility he may already have. (What else could she be doing behind that word balloon, giving CPR to a Cornish hen?) If anyone needs their food cut up for them in la maison du Jambon, it’s Gregg.

Smash cut to the shiny halls of MHS, where we’re supposed to believe Gil just acts on any cockamamie theory one of his players throws out to him. The fact that said player is about as big as Gil wouldn’t have anything to do with that, nosireebob. Only when the prospect of gunplay comes up does Gil spring into action. Thank goodness Rubin hasn’t attempted to write a school shooting plot yet.

Smash cut again to the house of Hamm, where Mama picks up the phone to find Gil on the other end. If Gil’s calling to act on Curtis’ hunch, what does he expect to accomplish? The first rule of the witness protection program is that you never tell anyone you’re in the witness protection program. Is he gonna talk to her about Gregg’s eyesight and all the stops he’s had to pull out to accommodate Gregg on the baseball team? That assumes she and Papa Hamm have had zero clue about his vision problem, which seems highly unlikely since someone had to take him to see the HIPAA-violating eye doc. It also assumes Gregg himself has said nothing to his parents about Gil’s – not to mention his teammates’ – accommodations.

Of course he might have, and they’ve been too busy playing fake fugitives to pay him any attention. Soon we should find out what this whole charade has been about. Most likely Papa thinking he’s more famous for his ghostwriting than he actually is.


  1. I would love to hear a P 4, where Momm Hamm sez ….”….why, you fuckin busy-body twat!…I’ve heard that you like to stick your nose into shit that don’t concern you and this asinine phone call is proof of that…and what’s this shit about getting Greg some idiotic mask so he can pitch in live games? …I thought that we told the school that he couldn’t play in his current condition? …did any of your knitting-circle players tell you that too, or is everyone there just going behind our backs every chance they get?…I’m tired of this shit and you, Eli, Bob Kazinski, that pudgy fuckin optometrist, that doddering school nurse, the school district, and Dr Pearl are all gonna’ be named in the lawsuit if you don’t fuck off and listen to us from now on…Gregg’s safety is not to be dismissed by your little gang of fuck-wits….am I clear? or do you need my lawyer to follow up this conversation with a letter?…and tell that little cunt from the newspaper that Gregg won’t be talking to her either….”

    Comment by franku2016 — June 15, 2022 @ 12:11 pm

  2. *don’t listen to us from now on.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 15, 2022 @ 12:12 pm

  3. “Hi. I’m Gil Thorp. I’m supposed to be the baseball coach, but you wouldn’t know it from watching. During the first half of the season, I paid so little attention to drills that I did not notice that I had a pitcher who could not field, cover first, or find the water fountain in the dugout at away games. According to my contract with the school district, this was my job, but I did not stick my nose into it. Now I am sticking my nose into something that is flagrantly none of my business. This is par for the course in the Thorpiverse during the last few weeks of a story, when Rubin is snatching at anything to tie up loose plot threads.”

    Comment by Philip — June 15, 2022 @ 1:13 pm

  4. 1. God damn it Curtis, the Federal Witness Protection Program DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY! What, you think this is the movie “Eraser” with Schwartzenegger?

    2. Ah, so only NOW at the END of the season do we finally get to the “Gilberto and teammates playing detective and getting balls deep into other people’s business” -phase of the plot… I thought we’d never get here.

    3. It’s funny because for all his powers of shrewd observation, Curtis somehow missed the fact that his teammate ace starting pitcher is fucking BLIND…

    3a. I’m sorry because I cannot stress this enough times — Everybody in the Milfordverse this season is either shockingly ignorant, indifferent, or completely nonchalant about one of their teammates (either bravely or stupidly depending on your perspective) trying to play baseball with the last months of usable vision he’ll have in his lifetime… That includes Rubin and Greggg Hammm himself. **WHY** is Greggg not the least bit depressed or sad? **WHY** is he not taking any kind of care or precaution or at least give a shit about making that last little bit of sight last as long as possible? **WHY** is he not in some kind of transition program so he won’t be completely lost and helpless on that fateful morning when he learns his eyesight is gone for good? **WHY** has he not gone back to the doctor, or at least found a better doctor, one who couldn’t be fooled by memorizing an eye chart? **WHY** do his parents not appear to give a flying fuck about what their only child is suffering through?

    4. You know what? Given how little we’ve actually focused on Greggg’s health, Rubin has clearly painted himself into a narrative corner and only has a few non-messy but equally stupid ways out of this storyline to deliver a somewhat satisfying conclusion: A. It turns out Greggg was grossly misdiagnosed and a simple medical procedure or adjustment to his eyeglasses will return him to normal vision. B. Greggg was faking his vision loss the entire time as a ploy to finally get some attention from his parents, since dad is laser focused on finishing the blockbuster expose of the 12 people who secretly control the Dow Jones, and mom is too busy trying to protect him like Diana Prince protecting Steve Trevor. C. Some kind of convenient miracle magic cure is discovered, or something else really lazy, timely and convenient. D. Rubin is going to retcon us and switch out “going blind with zero hope of improving” with “eyesight really bad, but with work and treatment can still live a 90% normal life”

    5. Do we even know if Greggg is a senior? Because I’d love to see him try to keep these antics going during football and basketball season…

    Comment by hitorque — June 15, 2022 @ 3:19 pm

  5. Found a graphics error– Mrs. Hamm has a necklace in P3; its nowhere to be found in P1. I’m starting to think the 2-wife theory is out the door, as we havent seen the hot Mrs. Hamm since the one time at the ballpark when she posed for a photo with Mr.

    Comment by robmize2013 — June 15, 2022 @ 5:16 pm

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