This Week in Milford

June 16, 2022

“….Somewhere At Milford Foundry, They Caught This Strange Disease…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:59 pm

Now, warning lights are flashing straight down to GIL’s mug

Gregg Hamm threw a spitter, then threw it in some jug

There’s rumors in the Hamm household, and malaise in the town

Somebody blew the whistle, Gregg’s career crashed down

There’s a meeting in Gil’s office, they’re trying to trace the smell

There’s a leakin’ in Dad’s armor, though he’s still non-personnel

Somewhere in Milford’s hallways, someone was heard to sneeze

Goodness Gil, could this be Mudlarkian Disease?

I hope the Rock ‘n’ Roll crowd likes this one because I have always loved Industrial Disease by Dire Straits, a tune that was a standard before they hit their stride in the mid-80’s (or perhaps everybody was finding out what their fans had been saying for ages-ha) . The organ leading the chorus of instruments that impelled this driving rhythm forward worked mightily with fans and certainly with me. This Classic from the solid Love Over Gold album was a Classic Slayer of the Gil. Hands down.

The pitiful plot development rears its ugly head today as Gil and GIL are calling after perhaps Gil was done with his gym class. C’mon, how many gym teachers do you know teach 3rd Year Tennis and Bocce 203 subsequently go to their office, dump the coffee pot of 3-day-old Eight o’ Clock coffee into the water fountain, brew some Folgers, catch up on the afternoon Cubs game, check their betting slips, call Milford Harness Racing to bet on Smelly Plot to show, pour some Folgers in the GIL mug, call a mom to see if her husband is truly a Sandanista, according to rumors from the students?

Speaking of students, the laughably inane plot development continues as Gil is taking a student’s word that that student saw Sonny Corleone down at Coffee Cantina with Mr. Hamm and they had a great conversation over Strawberry Espresso and Blueberry Macadamia Nut Danish until Sonny threatened to machine gun Mr. Hamm down and dump him in the nearest sewer if Mr. Hamm didn’t pay for the Danish.

Don’t you think that’s believable? Curtis saw Goodfellas warns Jughead Jones that he eats more hamburgers than J. Wellington Wimpy and he better catch up on his tab down at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe or he’ll be in a body bag in the trunk of Archie’s jalopy? God Almighty, don’t let Mr. Weatherbee find out or we might be serving In-School Suspension.

I am totally unfamiliar with Witness Protection but what Hitorque said makes sense. If I am trying to stay clear of the mafia, why would I want my name registered with Google on some Witness Protection website? That kinda sorta works against the nature of the beast. As Joe Friday once said on a Dragnet episode “When we’re trying to locate a fugitive from the law, we don’t broadcast our whereabouts.” If I am protecting myself from The Sopranos, I doubt very seriously I’ll be publishing sponge cake recipes on the WP site. No, Tony Soprano, I’d only add a cup of flour to the cake mix. And no, I broil my chickens, I never use Shake and Bake.

And some STUDENT or PLAYER found out on the WP website that Mr. Hamm is running from The Sopranos after testifying that they threatened to blow up Dr. Pearl’s residence if they didn’t alter the SAT score on Junior Soprano’s answer sheet? Shoot, why not have Bobby Howry broadcast on WDIG News Hour where Mr. Hamm plans to hide next? Why do we need computer sites if Aunt Bea and Floyd the Barber can get access to information by simply switching on the radio dial? Be careful telling Bobby where you’re vacationing in Switzerland. No sense in encountering French Connection drug lords at a Geneva McDonald’s.

Todays Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Guaranteed Witness Protection After Testifying Against The French Connection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Good thing. I don’t want anybody bothering me when I’m trying to get motivated for flag football games.”

Is Gil really sitting on his desk? Or is there a trapezoidal feel to the design and he’s leaning on one of Luhm’s mop that is not shown in the camera shot? Otherwise, Gil is reinventing all the laws of inertia and Newton’s investigations and Gauss’ mathematical intuitions in the same regard just went down the drain. Wait a minute, the GIL mug is propping him up. We saved Newton and Gauss for another day. Now if Gil will check the desk for termites, we might save the rest of the desk. We might need more Folgers for this project.

That leaves that pile of paperwork immediately to the Gil’s right. It could be scouting reports but I’ve never known them to be as tall as the Mr. Coffee machine. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt, they aren’t Valentines that Gil just now remembered to send off. He can still email a Valentine to Mr. Hamm & Family through the Witness Protection Mailing List. Dr. Pearl, why, he can send some flunky like Marjie Ducey to send down the hallway to Pearl’s office now that Ducey has nothing better to do since retirement. They might be term papers. Everyone had to write a 1000-word essay on why Muscular Christianity kept Dr. Naismith in business so he didn’t have to foreclose on the farm. As soon as he’s done promising he will speak with Tony Soprano about showing some restraint when his family is parked in front of the Hamm residence, he will jump right in and start weed-whacking them.

In Dr. Pearl’s office, the Victrola playing Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher”

“Gil, The Sopranos called about 10 minutes ago.”

“AGAIN????!!!?? I already told them I would cover for the bingo card distributor at Milford Bingo Parlor.”

Coach Kaz was crucified for sleeping at his post

Refusing to be pacified, it’s Gil we blame the most

Ophthalmologist got rabies, Dr. Pearl got the fleas

TWIMers concerned about Mudlarkian Disease

There’s panic on the switchboard, panic in knots

We come out in apathy, can’t connect the dots

Some blame the coaching staff, plot’s on its knees

Every Mudlark knows it’s Mudlarkian Disease

Hey, I’m relieved that Mr. Hamm isn’t Keyser Soze, aren’t you? The dead giveaway that he wasn’t one of The Usual Suspects was a lack of a club foot. SOMEBODY would have noticed that at Gregg’s games when he, Mrs. Hamm, and Kobayashi were sitting side by side in the same bleachers. I therefore conclude he wasn’t part of that quartet in Skokie, Illinois, so no need for Kujan to be coming out to lay the ‘cuffs on him and haul him back to Milford Detention Center for further questioning.

I still wonder, as I’m confident all the readers likewise wonder, why she dove in front of him when a camera shot nearby. Do we really want Gil getting in the middle of this one? He’s already stuck a mask on Gregg and after repeated stabs, has experienced mixed results. Yes, they won a couple of times but a lot of that was IN SPITE OF Gregg and that ridiculous Godzilla facade, not because of the same. I wouldn’t keep pressing my luck. Am I going to keeping transmitting tuna casserole recipes through the WP site to The Sopranos hoping they won’t decide they are going to riddle me with bullets this time? What if I’m in the shower?

Therefore tread lightly, Mrs. Hamm, when soliciting Gil’s help. If he comes walking with a club foot, Kobayashi might be hiding in the concession stand. I thought that dude selling the Snickers bars was not a parent of one of the players.

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to knock some sense into Gil. No better candidate for the job than a game show host with a nifty sense of humor. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ,

she thought Kobayashi was one of Gil’s _________________.”

Those could be blobby tears coming out of Mrs. Hamm and more than likely are. Technically it does qualify for Milford Pantheon of Mysterious Objects although it helps if it wasn’t kinetic energy. Chunky Bracelets don’t flow and run all over the person’s sleeves. Trophies that look like that tower overwhelming all those clueless apes in 2001: A Space Odyssey don’t melt in your hand like M & M’s. They remain stupid-looking and exemplify the stasis that runs through every plot, paradoxically speaking.

But the phone does not resemble a Hershey bar so we have something to build on. We might even force The Sopranos’ hand and have them menace The Partridge Family.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ms. Rizk To Change Identification After Surviving Concrete Shoe Affair At Mudlark Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Police Spokesperson: ‘Under the Witness Protection program, we are not at liberty to dicuss her location but it won’t be any school in the Valley Conference.”

Doctor Whatsherface declared “I’m not surprised to see you

You’ve got bulgee eyes from smoking, cornea droop from drinking beer

I’ve no clue how you came to contract rods and cones with fleas

But worst of all, young man, you’ve got Mudlarkian Disease”

She wrote me a prescription, she said “Pupils depressed

But I’m glad you came to see me to get this off your chest

Come back and see me later, next Mudlark, please

Send in another victim of Mudlarkian Disease

Uh oh. Hold your breath. GIL and BOB are at the computer doing their damndest to imitate Friday and Gannon. This may morph into Stan and Ollie by the time they press “Send”. And what a way to tie up loose ends, loosely speaking. Go on hearsay evidence by a player who needs to work on not pulling his head at the plate and call based on that dubious piece of evidence and pry into another person’s life when you and BOB have been chronic no-shows for much of this plot and then go forward to see if it’s true that Mr. Hamm dumped the wrong body in the dumpster behind The Bucket and have to change your name to throw off the scent. The Sopranos are in Oakwood, whew, we’re safe.

And speaking for me, I’d feel safer running from The Sopranos. How do you commence a Witness Protection program to keep GIL and BOB out of the neighborhood? You’re living in the Texas Panhandle in a county that has more antelope than humans and you think you’ve beaten the rap, then GIL and BOB fight through the Dust Bowl to your front door. The rest room’s to your right, just past the longhorn cattle pen.

Don’t bother setting up residence in Calcasieu Parish in Louisiana in some swamp trying not to imagine that GIL and BOB slipped past the alligators. Do you really care to listen to how they saved money for the mosquito netting in your domicile smack dab in the bayou? Oh, don’t worry, The Sopranos got lost and wound up in Manitoba. I told them they should have gotten a membership with AAA.

I’m here on top of Mt. Washington with that wind blowing like Hell. GIL and KAZ should be here anytime.

“We back for the conclusion of The Sopranos where Gil promises to play their son if they won’t have a contract out on Mimi plus pay for the sloppy joes this year after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I held fast on that last stipulation because I was tired of the sloppy joes draining the athletic budget. And could you imagine me on my hands and knees at a school board meeting begging to increase expenditures for that and the Chinet paper plates? People are always on their hands and knees TO ME so that would clearly be out of character. Plus I didn’t want to press my luck and add Grippo Bar-B-Q Chips. Man, Kaz’s breath after munching them babies is an EPA hazard, no question.

But I didn’t get in the WDIG recording studio to talk about Dr. Pearl’s breath when she had just downed a Mudlar-K-Choc-Ola even though she really should try Listerine sometimes. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and the owners were a bit concerned that many people shackled by the constraints of the Milford Police Witness Protection Agenda were not able to enter the doors of The Warehouse and purchase a share of The Good Life. Did we want customers to avoid the place like The Plague just so because they were afraid the Corleones were going to gun them down when Sonny was purchasing Fritos Chili Cheese and a six-pack of PBR in the “12 items or less aisle”? Not hardly.

That’s why The Warehouse, like a good soldier, went down to the station to file an affadavit to reassure Milford’s Finest that we would work with anybody who had the courage to stand up to vice and graft and corruption in Milford and reward them with cheap booze as icing on the cake. Therefore, anybody who was certified as registered in Milford Witness Program Agenda had to be running from somebody and it wasn’t Mr. Green Jeans so we wanted to ease their troubled minds, particularly when they rounded the Edy’s Ice Cream endcap in Aisle 3.

Until the end of summer, those who bring in a notarized statement that you are a member-in-good-standing with the Milford Police and that you would even report your mother in bed with Charlie Partanna will get 20% off Captain Morgan Intestine Sensitive Spiced Rum. Wow. I might have said something to the authorities when Tod Andrews was dating Al Capone’s granddaughter so I could sip on that or some Jack Daniel Straight while I’m chillin’ on Alan Parsons’ Time on my stereo in the den. Serving the law never tasted better.

Hey, we didn’t forget you Mexican illegals who got their Green Card at the fruit stand on front of Milford Foundry. Just bring in your Green Card plus photo ID plus documentation certifying that you told the Immigration Officials that was NOT Santana’s road crew crossing the pedestrian bridge over the Rio Grande at Laredo and you will get $2 knocked off your purchase of a 30-Pak of Busch Light. Shoot, for your honesty, The Warehouse will throw in a free bag of Gummi Bears. It don’t get no better than that when the Swedish Bikini Team isn’t flying in on the Margarita Aisle.

Then there’s those who register in the Agenda because they caught the foreman and the district manager in the janitor’s closet at Milford Foundry and it wasn’t about company profits in the 3rd quarter term. These people obviously won’t get gunned down by The Sopranos but, we understand, nobody wants to lose their job over alleged hanky-panky with no proof to save their liquor bottle over. Just present your papers from the Agenda and doggone, get that 20% discount off of Josh Cellars Cabernet de La Vie in the 750 Miloliter container so you can have peace knowing that even if they got their ass fired over the incident and you get won’t invited to company picnics ever again that you can still taste the wondrous grapes that stop short of the Garden of Eden and imbue your conscience with a peace that transcends all understanding and also foots the bill on the ginger ale you are also purchasing.

Folks, you don’t have to run from the cash register just because you’re running from The Mob. Get certified with the police and then come down and partake of the finer things in life and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya, quietly of course, I don’t want The Sopranos on my verandah looking for me.”

Hamstetter? Haffenstetter? Hackenstetter??? Ah, here it is, Rumpelstiltzkin!!!!!!!!! Oops, sorry, Gang, I forgot this isn’t Looney Tunes. Sometimes it’s easy to get confused. God bless you all.

“…Two men claim they’re Steve Luhm

One of them must be wrong…”

Bravo again, Mopman.

8 Comments »

  1. “Two men claim they’re Steve Luhm
    One of them must be wrong”

    Hope I didn’t step on any following lyrics. I was trying to think of which character best fit the “Jesus” line, and, well, only one awesome person came to mind.

    Comment by MopMan — June 16, 2022 @ 1:55 pm

  2. Mopman, LMAO MANY TIMES OVER!!!!!!!
    Dude, don’t ever think you are stepping on any toes. Writing this is a privilege, not a right. I sit back and watch. And I LOVE what I see, especially this gem. You da Man.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 16, 2022 @ 2:02 pm

  3. Momm breaks down in tears and blows the entire operation wide open based on one phone call from Gil, that Gil has taken to heart on hearsay from one of the team’s knitting circle members. Leave it to Gil. Instead of telling Curtis (or whatever that kid’s name is) to mind his own business and to “…get the fuck out of my office go work on something important, like improving your shitty hitting…”, Gil decides that this is important enough to query Gregg’s momm (even though Gil never thought of droppin’ a dime to her when he finally found out that Gregg couldn’t see for shit). Any way you have it, the cat’s finally out of the bag, and like Mop and Hitorque have been sayin’ for weeks now, it’s gonna’ be something totally stupid as fuck that’s keeping Popps, and his family members, in the shadows.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 16, 2022 @ 2:03 pm

  4. Hamstetter? The Gestapo Major from Hogan’s Heroes?

    Comment by teenchy — June 17, 2022 @ 8:16 am

  5. Haha…Gil and Kaz are a couple of tools and keep googling “ hamster” and get nothing but pet store and YouTube links

    Comment by franku2016 — June 17, 2022 @ 8:56 am

  6. P 2: “… this is a great website… how does she do that?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — June 17, 2022 @ 10:43 am

  7. *P3

    Comment by franku2016 — June 17, 2022 @ 10:43 am

  8. Yes, I always loved that song too. I typed my first comment before your full posting came out, so wasn’t sure if you were going to rewrite my favorite line from the song, “Two men say they’re Jesus, one of them must be wrong”. Agree about the organ.

    Comment by MopMan — June 17, 2022 @ 12:01 pm


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