This Week in Milford

June 21, 2022

That Makes Two Of Us, Gil.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 8:48 am

The logic is that crudely oversimplified? When Mr. Hamm is running from something to evade a part of his past that he had just as soon forget, he calls Gil? He doesn’t want Heather digging up his journalistic scandals, he calls Gil????

And when does this end?

“Honey, the toilet’s clogged again. And the poop is drawing flies in all directions.”

“Uh oh. Better call Gil. Is he still up?”

Why stop at commode stoppages?

“Honey, should I use one scoop or two scoops of noodles for this scrimp scampi tuna casserole?”

“How the Hell should I know? You know who to call.”

“I think I’ll also ask Gil if I should water my tomatoes mow or wait until the end of the week.”

Gil has not been a major player for much of this arc, yet when all Hell is breaking loose in the Hamm household or in households across the country, one call to Gil and Communism flees and lands on another planet. I’ll have to remember that when I need to clean my carpet. He’s always good for advice when I need to expunge the coffee stains.

Gil has run a healthy trade of P1’s that is typical of what has happened the last 60 years. He and Mimi are spending a quiet evening at home, listening to Matchstick Man from Status Quo with Gil finding new ways to mix Harvey Wallbangers and Mimi knitting a Mudlark varsity sweater when the Batphone rings.

“Yes, Commissioner?”

“Gil, The Joker won’t let his son talk to Heather Heckler because he doesn’t anybody to find out about all those faux articles about Perry Como he wrote in Reader’s Digest.”

“I’ll be right down. To the Batpoles, Mimi.”

Speaking of Mimi, she isn’t helping matters reading Catseye by Andre Norton (I looked it up and this was the most possible scenario. I didn’t think Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote dime novels called Catseye. Not yet anyway.) . What is SHE going to do, hand Mr. Hamm The Chronicles of Narnia to help him get over his past? Here, Mr. Hamm, try this Prinicipia Mathematica by Alfred North Whitehead and Bertrand Russell on for size, it’ll help you forget that woman who left you for a factory worker in Belize after you wrote that faked Little Lotta story for Kiddie Comix. Thanks, Mimi, the next time I get Middlemarch by George Eliot for Christmas, it’ll help ease the sting of that job at Toyota I applied for that they gave to a person who just received his GED.

Hoo boy, this one’s getting knee-deep in cow chips.

“I’VE USED THE PLUNGER 7 TIMES ON THIS THING!!!!!!!!! IT JUST KICKS BACK UP!!!!!!!!!!”

“Have you called Gil?”

“He’s still at practice.”

I read where there was a hue and cry when The Flintstones, more specifically, Fred and Wilma, were in bed TOGETHER, breaking an unwritten ’50’s-early ’60’s rule that sitcom husbands and wives sleep in separate beds. Man, being a Christian, I do believe you shouldn’t sleep together if you’re unmarried but Fred and Wilma had tied the knot, for cryin’ out loud. Someone is losing sleep over Fred and Wilma sharing the same Broyhill bed? Need to get out more.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“WDIG-TV Bans Wacky Races From Saturday Morning Cartoon Line-Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“WDIG Spokesperson: ‘Penelope Pitstop kissing Muttley on the lips after Dick Dastardly got the checkered flag was deemed inappropriate by the Milford Censorship Bureau and we at the station tend to agree.'”

As long as Gil is going to be Roto-Rooter Man, I still have to ask, besides if Gil charges by the hour or a flat rate when using the plumbing snake to unstop your bathtub, is what POSSIBLE reason could there be for that streak to be in the window at 11:00 (or random late time) at night? That has to be the most annoying eyesore besides chunky bracelets to grace the Thorpiverse scenery. The moon does not shine so brightly that it leaves a residue in the form of a warped lightning bolt that lost its way and splatted along with the other moths on the windshield/generic window. You will not see Dennis the Menace getting sent to the corner with his teddy bear staring at some streak on the glass that was left as a result of indiscriminate hot flashes from one of the Greek gods. This is not Poseidon’s hot streaks glued on humanity to remind humanity that the gods have human frailties. Oh sure, that streak is on Gil’s window because Hermes couldn’t keep it in his pocket. Great logic, Thorpiverse. Should we call Gil for an estimate to assess the damage? Oh wait, THAT’S GIL’S WINDOW. Logic getting hoisted by its own petard.

And Gil going over in that Jimmy Dean attire. Rebel Without A Cause as the Roto-Rooter Man, that works for me. He was watching reruns of Barnaby Jones when the phone rang. Right, I’ll be right over to get your cat out of a tree. I know he runs from the Irish setter next door, these things happen. Mimi, could you use some Windex on the window, Zeus couldn’t contain himself again. And put the program on “Record”. I want to find out if Mannix wiped out the Milford Mafia when I return.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“WDIG-TV Approves Final Deleted Scenes From Porky Pig Episodes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“His nose was constituted as a phallic symbol and thereby contributed to his stuttering.”

Now we are accosted with Gil and his pissy attitude in P2. Gil, you could have just hung up the phone.

You interrupted Late Nite Milford Pro Wrestling to tell me you had no ethics when you faked those photos of those rhinos for National Geographic? The whole damn thing was shot in your living room? Now I’ll never know if Jerry Lawler and Jeff Jarrett won the Milford Tag Title from The Moon Dogs.

And to reiterate, Mr. Hamm doesn’t possess a coterie of friends at his disposal that can see him through times like this? Granted, the coach would be a logical choice, given Gregg’s situation, but why call when The Late Late Show is on and/or this was an issue that really didn’t involve Gil and could have possibly been resolved with one of his colleagues over coffee and Danish at the same venue without Coffee Cantina having to resort to truck stop hours? If Mr. Hamm wanted to start over, surely he had a network of friends he could call so that Gil didn’t wind up looking like the maintenance man getting you into your apartment because you dropped your key down the sewer. Thanks, Coach, I understand you’ll add the maintenance call to my rent.

Oh well excccccuuuuuuussssseeeee me, Gil, I didn’t mean to cramp your style. I hope you get done with that woodworking project in the garage. Oh, you’re building a bird house? Do you need some bird seed, I have some in Gregg’s closet next to his batting gloves.

I don’t blame you for being blunt, Gil. I’d be up fro t too if Mr. Hamm probably should have called the electrician when Mrs. Hamm got electrocuted trying to fix the fuse box.

BTW, Porky Pig was originally voiced by Jim Dougherty, who had a stuttering problem in real life. The Porky Pig voice-over, stuttering included, went over like gangbusters with the fans so Dougherty had a career for life. Trouble was, he stuttered trying to do Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny so they reluctantly fired him and replaced him with the great Mel Blanc, which explains why Porky sounded different in the earlier years than in later years. Anyway

“D-D-D-D-Doctor P-P-P-Pearl, is your h-h-h-h-husband h-h-h-having trouble w-w-w-with e-e-e-rect-rect-rect-is your husband sterile?”

“We went to the doctor. He prescribed medicine for his blood pressure and was ordered on bed rest. Did you need to see me on anything else, Gil? And did you finally get your dental work straightened?”

And where else would we be? Coffee Cantina has replaced The Bucket as the place to go to fork over your nickel and get psychoanalyzed by Lucy. The Gil is in.

That just adds fuel to this piece of horse crap. Why do we have to be at Coffee Cantina which has served of late as the confirmation that we need to kill this pronto and preferably with no blood showing? Like CC is the sign that the mercy-killing is nigh upon us? I knew when I saw the latte getting brewed that pushing the rock up and down was going to cease. I don’t recall this place being the location when Mimi, perhaps with a buzz from the possible wine she imbibed, brazenly told Marty Moon that Bobby Howry was after his career but it might as well have been. Bistros and coffee shops many times signal that all this sniveling tripe will come to a screeching halt before the next season gets thrust upon us. Oh joy, we can stop pushing one boulder up and down a hill, now we can negotiate this rowboat through a lake full of sharks. The fun never stops around here. I’ll drink a House Toffee Cappuccino to that.

Tomorrow’s Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“WDIG-TV Adamantine In Its Stance On Jane Jetson In A Leotard At Mr. Spacely’s Aerobic Class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We feel that those scenes and Elroy riding on Astro pretending like he’s Wyatt Earp were scenes too intimate for juvenile viewing.”

Oh my goodness, you talk about the pot calling the kettle Mudlark Red. In P3, Gil is lambasting Mr. Hammerstein over his ego, something akin to Charles Lindbergh telling a pilot not to take any unnecessary chances after Lindbergh just flew over the Atlantic Ocean.

Gil, in P2 you made it almost sound like Mr. Hamm was interrupting your video games and that you only showed up so you didn’t have to listen to Mimi nag you about buying more sci-fi novels at Milford XXX Adult Theater.

In other words, YOU are the one with the ego, YOU are the one who has been absent much of this story and what right do YOU have telling a guy with a checkered past when you have a checkerboard of your own on your persona that he needs to let his hair down? Easy to say when you don’t have to deal with your own croptop. One click on the computer and you think you gotvthe goods on the guy? Based upon some whimsical trail that Curtis followed on his own computer? It must be nice to be able to spout the one-size-fits-all answer when it would never fit in your own life because you’re never around to try it on for size. You’re preaching to empty pews.

But okay, Mr. Hamm won’t let Heather interview Bobby because he’s overprotective of his past and he’s an egomaniac as a result. Gee, Gil, Heather had an ego of her own when she wouldn’t cooperate with the soccer coach. How soon we forget.

“We’ll return after these messages to learn if Gil finally picks up the tab for him and Mr. Hamm at Coffee Cantina or is Gil still the flea-bitten absentee cheapskate that he was before he got his discharge from the Marines. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I just recently read an article in Milford Used Comics Monthly where controversy abounded when Mr. Flintstone took liberties and slept in the same sleeping conditions as his wife. This is certainly not good copy and when Mr. Flintstone is considered the instigator of our declining morals, the nation suffers profusely.

But weighing 763 pounds, it was difficult getting in bed without the structure collapsing, let alone mustering any ability to be under the same sheets with Mr. Flintstone. Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and when I couldn’t use a refrigerator without having to call the Roto-Rooter Man to use the plunger to free me from the Crisper section, it was time to initiate serious steps towards losing weight and feel grand about myself.

And just in the nick of time as Milford Liposuction Academy must have finally answered my voice mails as they have commenced a wonderful program Bring In A Friend With Comparable Weight And Lose It Through Our Procedures And Get 30% Off. Believe me, losing weight and being sensitive to my budget is a win-win for both parties. I now have money freed up to pay the water bill. No more shut-offs so I can’t get in the tub, not that I didn’t have to call the Roto-Rooter Man occasionally for said operation.

I brought my friend, Clarabelle Snikely, who weighed 673 pounds and was obviously in dire need to lose it and with rapidity. We were banned from the Ferris wheel at Milford Amusement Park and could only ride the merry-go-round by signing a disclaimer. Therefore, she was more than willing to follow through with the steps at The Academy to lose the extra pounds and feel like she was floating on air. I watched as they crammed a tube in her gluteus maximus and a smaller one in her mouth. I reassured her that nobody was going to suck the Taco Bell Chimichanga Supreme she deviured for breakfast before she arrived at The Academy. She was set under sedation, similar to my outlining directions, and slept, reassured that the stigmatizing lipases ravaging her body would be forced to evacuate and that a redirected body, free of bad cholesterol and cigarette ashes, would be in order and none too soon. After they rechecked my heart monitor, I could say the same.

We both awoke to a dawning of time and we walked out, lighter than air and ready to face the world. And if Mr. Flintstone wanted to gang-rape us, we were standing in the line of duty. The discount certainly helped and we were able to head to Wal-Mart and buy clothes that fit a normal teenager. No more trips to the fitting room trying on 5X size Bermuda shorts.

What more could you possibly envision? Go ferret out a chunky participant at the Milford Bingo Parlor and experience Weight Loss Nirvana at a Wal-Mart Discount Card cost. The proof is in the pudding and the bed you can finally sleep in, whether Mr. Flintstone shows his face or no.”

That’s not Louis L’Amour that Mimi is reading. Gil was too cheap to pay for Western dime novels as well as the coffee at Coffee Cantina. Mimi had to settle for sci-fi on the discount rack. But God bless you anyway.

Commemorative Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“WDIG-TV Lays Down The Law On Bugs Bunny Cartoons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Bugs Bunny will be required to wear at least Fruit of the Loom apparel for any future presentations. He will not be allowed to bare his soul or his tail. This is in accordance with decency and good taste.”

2 Comments »

  1. Ok Gil. It’s bad enough that you come runnin like a golden retriever when you get called late at night but now you gotta’ dress this poor bastard down for his plagiarism? I could see doing that for allowing Gregg to compete without telling anyone at the school, but not this. And popps has to quit bein such a little bitch too. Why tf is he calling Gil anyway? Unless it’s to stump for more playing time for his kid, like most meddlesome parents do, this doesn’t make sense. Let Gregg learn the hard way about talking to local newspaper reporters ( like I did). Never, ever, talk to one unless you want everyone to know your business or opinions.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 21, 2022 @ 9:41 am

  2. 1. Did Gilberto Fucking Tharpe of all people just call out someone on their ego? How does God not strike his ass dead on the spot for such brazen hypocrisy?

    2. Yep, once again Mr.-Hiding-From-The-Public is out in the open with no disguise, a ballcap or even sunglasses on… If I didn’t know better I’d say he was looking to get outed…

    2a. I don’t figure this… Out of the three cardinal sins of journalism, plagiarism is a distant third behind outright bias, getting too close to a story or playing an agenda, and the worst of all is fabrication (Which was what they got Glass on so I have no idea why Hammm was compared to him). The point I’m making is folks have been caught plagiarizing before and after laying low for a bit still had some kind of career in the industry (the other two sins I mentioned are guaranteed career-killers). So why is Hammm making such a big deal about it? Just be a blogger for a year or two and rehab your image and once you’ve faded in the public memory just step back on the stage like nothing ever happened…

    3. Is it me, or is all this focus on Grrgg’s pitching a distraction to avoid confronting reality? I don’t think any of these characters (including Grrgg) want to acknowledge the fact that while baseball is awesome, it isn’t some magic elixir that is preventing him from going blind. This season WILL END in the very near future and Grrgg and his parents will be stuck with the same issues they were stuck with before the season started, and they’ll have no means of coping with what will be the most difficult time of their lives…

    Comment by Hitorque — June 21, 2022 @ 3:14 pm


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