This Week in Milford

June 23, 2022

I Want To Be A Gil Thorp Ranger!!!!!!! I Want To Live A Life Of Danger!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:51 pm

When I used to referee City League Basketball, I attended a clinic sponsored by the local basketball academy and the noted NBA referee, Ted Bernhardt, stopped by to talk about his experiences in his line of profession plus give us some much-needed tips to improve on the job. He gave us a gem when he talked about how to survive a close game with the whole crowd going bananas: Relax and call the obvious. If a person takes eight steps with the basketball, call traveling. If a person dribbles seven times with the ball, call double dribble. Ten seconds in the paint? Call three seconds in the lane. A player gets tackled? Call a foul.

First off, YOU called Gil, Mr. Hamm. If you didn’t want to listen to his BS then you shouldn’t have gotten on the cell phone and dialed Gil’s number. You set yourself up because Gil was only calling the obvious. Not that Gil has been involved in the shenanigans leading up to this tete-a-tete, which just adds to the farce. But when Gil finally got off his lazy derriere to walk into Coffee Cantina, he was only telling the truth. You don’t like what you hear, Hamster, keep on moving.

And that’s what keeps these frickin’ plots on life support, just when we’re at the stage where we have the Colt .45 about to shoot this dead horse, some idiot like the Hamster decides to call Gil out of the blue. Yeah, ol’ Coach Absentee Ballot will resurrect Mr. Ed, fer sure. Again, as I mentioned the other day, if we have to dynamite the plumbing to deal with the nasty clog, why call Gil at midnight and ask if you can borrow his firecrackers?

Especially when Gil’s argument is full of holes. Coach T., Mr. Hamster might be a footnote to YOU, given your deified status around Milford, but what Hamster did was a serious offense. True, it’s wise to forgive and give the man another chance but that stuff follows you. Gil, you never had to worry about ego when you have people licking your Puma’s and wiping where your brain is normally situated so you couldn’t possibly relate to a man who was simply attempting to move on from his past. If he went overboard, well, that’s better than going underboard, something this plot has achieved in a mighty way. When you’re overachieving by underachieving, you’ve reached Coach Thorp status.

And PRIDE is standing in the man’s way, not his ego, Gil. His ego is just along for the ride. Funny, the players have been pretty much running the team until Gil started taking charge, no less commencing his bravado with some umpire in dire need of a shave. Attaway to pick your battles, Gil. I always admire a man who dumps bombs on a day-care center. Takes a second to say good-bye, as U2 once sung. God, no wonder why I want to be a Gil Thorp Ranger, inspired by that same tune. Boss people around when I feel like it and get free coffee as a perquisite.

Anyway, I can understand Mr. Hamster trying to rise above the ashes. When he has to rise above the manure simutaneously, you have a plot that just won’t quit, but should.

I noticed a billboard the other day that Cracker Barrel was advertising beer and chicken specials. Now don’t misunderstand me, I love Cracker Barrel and their dinners have always been a hit with me. But I can’t imagine family reunion dinners with a KFC chicken breast, mashed potatoes, cole slaw, 3-bean salad, peach cobbler, and Jack Daniels Whisky. And again, being a Christian, I rarely imbibe due to my desire to keep my witness but defer to those who prefer The Good Life. As long as people follow the advice promulgated by beer companies to “Please enjoy responsibly”, I have no problem with it.

That said, a Big Mac and a Bud really isn’t a Happy Meal any more than Choc-Ola and tater tots or candy canes and whisky sooooooooo

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Diner To Expand Its Menu To Attract Business Hit Hard By COVID-19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Diner Spokesperson: ‘Our lunch special Cottage Cheese and a Michelob for $3.99 is a tip of the iceberg to maintain our profit margin.'”

Of course, The Hand is back to once again terrorize the town of Milford. It left the Dark Shadows camp to come in and achieve cult status like chunky bracelets and streaky windows and the myriad objets d’art that grace the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Gosh, no wonder why The Hamster is afraid in P1. Shoot, I’d be chickenbleep if some gigantic appendage was pointing at me. He called Gil for advice and at the end of the night got a metacarpal stuck up his hind end. It’d be like the Killer Tomatoes ACTUALLY ATTACKING him and the other clientele chillin’ at Coffee Cantina. I don’t want no tomato eating me alive, no question. Well, just as long as those beasties get their business done in time for golf to start, they and The Zombies can attack The Hamster all they want. He was getting to be a prick anyway.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Diner In Dispute With Milford Vending Concerning Pricing Of Consumables To Sell To The Public!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Vending Spokesperson: “While I personally find Meat Loaf w/ Poured Budweiser and Green Beans appealing, our company seeks fair treatment in distributing our Budweiser products in a profitable manner.'”

OH MY GOD!!!!!! The censors of the ’50’s and ’60’s would had a cow if they took a gander at P2. Recall the other day when I talked about the uproar over Fred and Wilma under the same sheets. Well, it’s basically the same thing although it appears Mr. Hamm isn’t under them yet. Yet. But c’mon, what’s he going to do next, go play pinball down in his basement? Go call Gil and go back to Coffee Cantina and talk about the Cubs? Go repair his bicycle and hope to God the gears mesh with the spokes?

That’s assuming he is indeed wearing boxers. But apparently Thorpiverse went the Elvis-Shown-Above-The-Pelvis rule so he could be wearing pajamas for all we know (or care) . But the song remains the same. Mr. Hamm will not be at Coffee Cantina in his pajamas discussing Steve Trout’s statistics over Irish Brewed Cappuccino. Is Gil still going to tell Mr. Hamm that he has an ego just because Mr. Hamm thought Trout pitched better at Wrigley? And wear a better bathrobe next time, that one has holes all the down to the price tag.

So let’s enjoy this intimate moment knowing we have Fred and Wilma to thank for allowing scenes like Mr. and Mrs. Hamm practically in debate over Gil’s words. Let’s concentrate on Gil’s ridiculous commentary and leave the bedroom scenes to Broyhill. Censors wear boxers too and sleep under sheets. They wouldn’t want to be banned from the rest of the world.

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

Dr. Pearl in her office listening to U2’s Seconds on her 1915 ghetto blaster, reading the Milford Racing Forms

“I’ll have that injury report on Gregg’s eye this afternoon after I talk Mr. Hamm down from the ledge of Coffee Cantina, Dr. Pearl.”

“No problem, Gil. Take your time. Tell Mr. Hamm to take a Goody’s Powder. They help me to relieve stress.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“CPR Administered At Milford Diner After Close Call On A Choking Incident.”

sub headline

“The victim was fine dining on her T-bone Steak & Au Gratin Potatoes Platter Special until she attempted to use Captain Morgan’s Rum as a chaser.”

It’s bad enough that the plot is still piddling around but when The Hamster lambastes Gil for only telling the truth, even if I didn’t agree entirely with Gone Golfing Thorp plus The Hamster called Gil in the first place, I don’t wonder why we’re nowhere near golf at this point. I know he is only protecting his family but taking criticism like Gil was criticizing your fashion tastes in pajamas is a bit out of order. Did you go to Milford Salvation Army Clothing Outlet? Kohl’s has a much better selection and you’re among people that actually possess a credit card. And I’ve seen better boxer shorts on my dad before they whisked him away to his room at Milford Nursing Home. He had pee stains all over them damn things. I don’t smell anything, I’ll give you that. And another thing, what body wash do you use? It smells worse than those Bold Colombian coffee beans in that dispenser in the corner.

Besides all that, I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to Marcia Brady in bed. No sense in giving Milford Censorship Bureau any arsenal to work with.

If ya gotta pour some Jack into yore Chocolate Mint Latte ta give ya more kick when ya cuss out Gil for his lack of sensitivity and/or to inject more kick under the sheets when ya iz dealing with Marcia Brady, ya might be a redneck.

As Frank accurately mentioned, this lame story just keeps getting lamer and lamest and what better way to confirm Frank’s assessment than in P3 where Gregg is dressed as if he was going to take the stage on Open Mike Night at Milford Comedy Caravan.

And nobody is terribly surprised that Mr. Hamm indeed wants Gregg to talk to the press after Mr. Hamm got his bell rung at Coffee Cantina by Coach I Only Appear To Offer Advice Then I Go Back To Hibernate The Rest Of The Season. Now Mr. Hamm is mad although he truly had that one coming to him. Yes, what he did was a serious offense but come to Rockville, waste another year, lie low while you’re wasting another year, and nobody really gives a hang. Gil didn’t care, staying in character, until he got dragged in the middle. Anyway, now Mr. Hamm has the magnum pointed at Gregg while saying “Make my day”. I’d be going to Gil’s office pronto. I wouldn’t want my brains splattered all over my bedroom.

The trouble is, Heather is once again dragged back in herself and I’m bettin’ nobody is terribly enthralled to see her return. I’m not. She and Gil admittedly had a good working relationship going and, heck, didn’t she have a chance on the coaching staff? Not that people were celebrating by throwing a Nick’s Pizza shindig over it, you understand. But she somewhat turncoated on Gil by taking Marjie’s place and first thing you know, she punches a few buttons on a laptop and a golfing con artist was forced to leave town. While he had that coming to him, she might punch those same buttons on YOU, Gil. I don’t think you had any extramarital affairs that have been documented on these panels but if there are, we’ll know right quick. Heather will see to that. The same one you had bossing around some of the players in her playing days. Or what if she turns up OTHER info on Mr. Hamm or his son? You think she’s going to come by your office to thank you after Gregg’s in the headlines because he falsified his name, rank, and serial number on his SAT application? She’ll crawl through your bathroom window at your office as an extra bonus? That’s right, Mr. Hamm once oversaw the Moonies when they were passing out flowers and tracts in Milford. Do you know what hotel Mr. Hamm is staying to hide from the Fourth Estate? Motel Six? Oh, don’t bother, Gil, I know my way out.

Then there’s those hands. Goodness, they look like the claws some monster would be attached to on Saturday morning cartoons when The Flash or Power Rangers or The Fantastic Four or Spiderman or Captain America would be battling that some evilmonger unleashed to terrorize Milford. Marty wants a raise and WDIG says “Hell no”? Release Godzilla from Marty’s garage. Heather wrote about Mimi’s profanity-laced tirade at the volleyball match? The Tyrannosaurus Rex should be set free from that U-Haul trailer and swooping towards the Milford Star building anytime. Using Gregg’s appendages, naturally.

But Gil looks halfway organized for once. Those papers I understand are plagiarized copies of an article on Muscular Christianity. Runs in the family, I see.

“We’ll return to see who wins the wrestling standoff at Coffee Cantina over who’s picking up the tab after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“We finally settled on the debt. I paid with my Mudlark Visa Gold if he would use the credit card that finally got him reinstated after being banned from usage for his past sins. Whoa boy, that plagiarism follows you all over the globe.

But that’s for another time. Next time, I’ll order three cream strawberry tarts instead of one to accompany my Pecan Nut Steamed Cappucino just to piss him off but until then, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and when The Bucket failed miserably once again to procure a liquor license from Milford Beverage Commission, I said ‘Not surprised’.

Why would anybody really express real remorse when their candy-striped suit candy-ass lawyers tried to convince the Commission that teenagers could consume their Bucket Burger and Bud and still drive their hot rod staying under the limit? Did they think they could fool anybody by saying kids could pass the Breathalyzer Test after partaking of Bucker Liver Cheese and Evan Williams Kentucky Non-Diluted Bourbon? Talk about the police having to wear an oxygen mask when it smelled like they’d been drinking and farting up the interior of the vehicle at the same time. Thank God the kids didn’t consume that in the trunk or they might have been forced to call the Milford EPA chapter to intervene.

Their lawyers could say that to the Commission with a straight face? They better check that rip they have in their candy-striped trousers because Milford Beverage Warehouse offers a much better road to El Dorado and you don’t need to get fumigated by the liver cheese when you turn on the air-conditioning along the way.

Shoot, just download the Milford Cracker Barrel app and when you order your Sliced Turkey and Grits w/ Peach Cobbler, you can get to the Warehouse to purchase your Jack Daniels Tangerine Coated Tennessee Whiskey at a ridiculous $35.99 and your dinner will be waiting in a bag at a 20% discount, all for making Milford Beverage Warehouse your place to go for The Good Life. Carry-out never ran smoother and there’s something about basting a turkey and downing Jack with no chaser that makes eating out a splendid commodity.

But we know many of you are Bud Men and a day without a Bud is like Harry without the Cubs. No problemo, just order Spaghetti and Meatballs immersed in Pesto Sauce w/ French Toast and Fortune Cookies and get your butt down to the Warehouse and get that 30-Pak of Budweiser in the 12 Fluid Ounce cans for $18.99 with a Notarized Milford Beverage Warehouse coupon and din-din is just as good as waiting for The Warehouse grocery bagger to stick in your grocery cart. Just be sure to tip him and maybe hand him one of the 12 Fluid Ounce cans. We understand if you don’t want to share your Fortune Cookies.

But wait, there’s more. If you order two dinners of Milford Cracker Barrel Bone-In Marinated Pork Chops and De-Glutenized Brown Fried Rice w/ Blueberry Shortcake w/ a generous portion of Cool Whip dumped on it, Milford Beverage Warehouse will not only knock $2 off the Absolut Handmade Vodka when you finally get to the register to impulse-buy a People magazine with Laurence Olivier on the cover, they’ll also throw in a free package of Oscar Mayer Angus Beef Lo Cal Hot Dogs. Boy o boy, I bet Harry would love a Bud, pork chops, Oscar Mayer Wieners, Shortcake, Vodka all on the same paper plate while watching Ryne Sandberg drive in the winning run at Wrigley.

Let The Bucket lawyers keep bitching and whining that The Commission has it in for them. Yeah, right, I saw you sneaking your order last week behind the Milford Vending Unsalted Peanuts display case placing your order for Milford Cracker Barrel Fileted Salmon and Stir Fry w/ Baked Pineapple to back your purchase of Jim Beam. You’re fooling nobody but yourself.

When you want good booze and good eating, you don’t have to be on the Milford Beverage Commission agenda to get it. Come get down-home cookin’ and great booze and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

No Gang, I’m sorry, I’m a Christian, I am not interested in whether Elvis is wearing boxers or pajamas while wiggling to Hound Dog, I don’t care if Coffee Cantina is the sponsor and they said let that pelvis come alive. Even if it puts Gil in his place. I have morals, you know.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

Final Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Ordered By Milford Police To Walk A Straight Line To Prove Sobriety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I had at Milford Diner was Campbell’s Chunky Minestrone Soup. And they substituted iced tea because they were out of Schlitz.”

At Milford Nudist Colony with Rixton’s Me and My Broken Heart video shown on the wide screen

“Mommy, why is Daddy in a movie at that card table with that slut and they’re both butt-naked?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhh, here, Keri, here’s a Target bag. Go see how many acorns you can pick up and Mommy will treat you to a Slushee later.”


  1. So Gil was in between “rude and insulting “? Like I said yesterday… someone shoot this motherfucker

    Comment by franku2016 — June 23, 2022 @ 2:33 pm

  2. …and just how long is this stupid-ass story gonna’ drag on? Every fuckin HS in the country is done with their regular seasons by now and the kids are all playing in either a summer league or for a travel team by now. This hole in the story is just about as stupid as the “successful blind pitcher” or “successful blind pitcher’s dad is still shitting his pants about some innocuous bullshit that he did 10 years ago that no one gave a fuck about back then and gives even less of a fuck about right now” stories.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 24, 2022 @ 9:19 am

  3. Gilberto is a douchebag

    Comment by Hitorque — June 24, 2022 @ 1:16 pm

  4. Come on Frank, don’t hold back, stop being polite and tell us how you really feel.

    Comment by MopMan — June 24, 2022 @ 3:23 pm

  5. Someone has to be refreshingly blunt, Mop

    Comment by franku2016 — June 24, 2022 @ 7:22 pm

  6. My faithful come through again!!!!!!!!!

    Mopman, You are hilarious and I will continue to plug your site because you definity possess a gift for comedy. Gang, stop by and see what he has to say. It’s worth it.
    Frank, I beg of you, don’t ever stop. PLEASE be refreshingly blunt because it’s exactly that REFRESHING. I kick back with my sausage biscuits and coffee, read your stuff AND LEARN. You make Democracy that much stronger.
    Hitorque, You da Man. I LOVE your elaborated points and I read every last one of them, whether on my watch or somebody else’s. Dude, you got what it takes to captivate people’s attention. Stay on a roll.

    God bless you all. You make my day.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 26, 2022 @ 4:22 pm

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