This Week in Milford

July 26, 2022

Gil Did Not Walk Into Miller Time.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:48 pm

I have laughed a lot at the comments of the TWIMers over the years and we contributors, face it, do this to get a few laughs ourselves. A lot of this is said for fun and we let it go at the end of the day.

But when those same comments start to rear their ugly heads because the things said about Coach Thorp are TRUE, such as in today’s panel, it’s time to worry.

Really, what is this? A few days ago we are told a story that is dubious and has yet to be confirmed, and to be fair, if Billy’s excellent research can’t dig it up, it really was just another concoction at Milford Lounge that those Valley Conference coaching goons are slurping on.

But okay, we’ll humor Thorpiverse and continue the facade by saying they had a victory dinner at Milford Diner “All You Can Eat Pork Rinds and Pasta” and if it was left at that, no questions asked. But sheesh, Gil just transmogrified into Darrin Stephens when he won Ad Man of the Year by McMann & Tate for the 100th time (your words, not mine, T-verse) and is celebrating by imbibing a stiff drink at Darrin’s favorite watering hole and simultaneously crybabying because Samantha and Endora didn’t show up at the Awards Ceremony.

Man, this plot is going places already, I can feel it.

Us Thorp veterans have known Gil to skirt the edge a time or two with some peppered language in the heat of the moment at a close ball game or indulging in a brewskie on the verandah (when it really WAS Miller Time) with the wife, especially under Berrill who had these Gil-slightly-backsliding scenarios written to a science.

But Ned captured the essence of The New Gil. As a diversion, I have never liked Wayne Newton’s selling out to a new image. He may not have liked his milk-and-cookies image and one critic once called him “an 18-year-old at age 28” but I felt he made it worse when he essentially hung with the same guys Frank Sinatra hung with, i.e., members of the mob (a charge Sinatra vehemently denied to his grave) . Newton was trying to be something he wasn’t.

That’s what’s troubling me with Gil here at the bar. He is on a first-name basis with the bartender and he knows all the drinks from the menu. When you can name more varieties of old-fashioneds than the football players on the roster, it only confirms our image of him as spending more time at the golf course/casual lounge than on the football field.

And when Beth the Bartender is mentioning Gil winning COTY for the 100th time, you get this sick-gut feeling that Beth is really not making stating that diplomatically a priority. Like, “Damn, Gil, you won AGAIN???? Didn’t anybody else get nominated? Or did they stuff the ballots again?? Gil, third-world dictatorships have a fairer electoral process than here in Milford when voting for the most competent coach. You want another Bud before closing?”

And HOW ARE THEY on a first-name basis? It’s safe to say Beth didn’t take Keri’s and Jaime’s orders off the Milford Lounge Kiddie Plate section when Tuesday Night Family Hour rolled around. Sure, Jaime, you can have a Falls City with your Happy Meal. But I’m sorry, you can’t substitute Smiley Face Tater Tots for French Fries. And Keri, eat all your vegetables so you can see the Budweiser logo at the bottom of your plate. Sit up straight, Jaime, so you don’t wind up stoop-shouldered like Larry the Lush over there in the corner. Nice to see you, Mimi. You want the House Brain Sandwich Special again?

I mean, really, did Beth sneak in for a kissy-face session on the verandah when Mimi was away at a Volleyball Coaching Seminar, assuming Mimi took the kids with her? Did Gil and Beth undergo a clandestine trip to Disneyland straight after Golf Season but well before Football Season so that the Milford Gossip Network wouldn’t start getting any ideas? I would hate to know that Gil is on a first-name relationship with Beth because they posed with Mickey Mouse and Goofy at a Disney shoot. Yeah, try to hide that in the family album, Gil.

And how does Gil know all of these drinks? Was he spending more time studying the price list at Milford Lounge in his office over football plays? He can’t get his team to execute the Delaware Wing-T to perfection partially because he has trouble distinguishing between the quarterback and the tailback but by gum, he whips up the best Harvey Wallbangers in Milford. Want a Bloody Mary mixed to perfection at your next stag party? Look to the guy who had a Gatorade bath dumped on him. Thank goodness he didn’t receive a Manhattan bath. Hard to mix what’s laying in the grass.

Seriously, since when did Gil become the centerpiece for “Hey Bartender” by The Blues Brothers? I said, Beth, can we be friends?

Eat your Happy Meal, Gil. It’s getting cold.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp And Beth The Bartender Deny Any Involvement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mimi Thorp Still In Abeyance Over The Issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Beth just mixes my daiquiris. It’s not as if she fries my omelets in the morning. I go to the school cafeteria for that.”

Beth the Bartender is apparently a huge fan of chunky bracelets and with that freaky finger, she is well on her way to endearing herself to the readership here at TWIM. I just hope she doesn’t crack walnuts with either her bracelets or her funky finger. If you see an oddball pistachio nut in Jaime’s Happy Meal, we can trace the source. And can anybody see Darrin Stephens flashing his MTV sports shirt as in P1? I wouldn’t be wearing that in front of Larry Tate and a client like Milford Vending. It’s your career, Darrin.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Beth The Bartender To Speak At Milford Health Class Symposium On The Four Food Groups!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I just want the general public to know that I am more than beer and beer nuts.”

Make way for the new kid on the block in a plot already beset with freak hands and chunky bracelets. Planet of the Apes appendages. If Gil’s arm doesn’t resemble Dr. Cornelius’ anatomy, I’m a bona fide assistant for Beth the Bartender. And if his arms going to become more hirsute in proportion to the pseudo-awards he gets once a month at Milford Rotary Club meetings, he’ll be a bona fide baboon by the time football arrives, only literally also, not just figuratively.

And wait a minute, since when were Mimi and the kids shopping at the mall when Gil was winning another Baboon of the Year award at your local generic organization board meeting? Ozzie and Harriett Nelson didn’t go to Milford Lounge sipping on Harvey Wallbangers when Ricky got promoted to Eagle Scout. Dobie Gillis didn’t earn Honor Roll at his high school academic banquet while his parents went to go watch Terry Labonte at the Pocono 400. Mike and Carol Brady didn’t engage in a second honeymoon at Mudlark Lake Resort Cabin #47 even as Jan Brady earned MVP at her high school volleyball team dinner/fundraiser. Ozzie earns a Lifetime Achievement Award at Milford Lions Club, then flirts with Beth the Bartender who serves him a margarita? This is kids programming, I’m assuming. We just hope that Ozzie doesn’t roll up his sleeves and exhibits the same arms as Dr. Cornelius/Gil.

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day

“Yes, I’m confident you can serve the best Mai Tai’s to accompany our menu in the school cafeteria but I’ll still need your credentials if you want to be a nurse’s aide.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Plays Down Latest Incident With Beth The Bartender!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She was just putting bases back in the equipment shed. Geez, it’s not like I went in there with her.”

I am going to say that was an orange slice Beth the Bartender added to the concoction but will allow for lemons, given the debatable coloring scheme. This “Could Go Either Way” concept is obviously not restricted to the frills that’s being added to Gil’s drink, given the words being uttered between Beth and Gil. Coach Thorp, out with this one. Just tell her that you want to take her to the nearest motel from Milford Lounge and be done with this one. Why beat around the bush? This “Thanks for adding lime and Nestle Quik bitters to my Bloody Mary, now do you want to get laid or am I asking too much especially when the boss asked if you could work overtime” approach is getting old fast.

Jimmy Swaggart, the infamous evangelist, was discovered in an unusual way. First off, the one thing you learn about these people is they do not like each other. It is not a friendly rivalry. There is true animosity between rival evangelists.

That was the case here. Some evangelist who was a bitter rival with Swaggart was driving down a rural 4-lane highway somewhere in Louisiana when he happened to notice Swaggart’s car in the parking lot of a motel. Sensing blood on the horizon, this evangelist parked somewhere in the parking lot so that Swaggart wouldn’t notice him.

Sure enough, Swaggart came out scantily clad with some hooker on the town and Swaggart was toast. That evangelist called every newspaper and TV station and radio station and the rest, as they say, was history.

The New Thayer coach and Madison coach driving by a Motel 6

“Dang!!!!! Is that Coach Thorp’s car in the parking lot?”

“Not that I’m aware of. He and Mimi are at their kids’ school play tonight. And Gil’s car has a dent from backing into the utility pole by the Milford Lounge dumpster.”

We’re gettin’ down to the real nitty-gritty in P3. There’s too much “He said-She said” between Beth and Gil. And that’s before that profanity-laced caption below on what is surely is serving as a harbinger for the future. I’ll betcha a 6-pack of Mudlar-K-Cola Ginger Ale that Gil won’t ask this guy to tell his players not to bunt when Gregg Hamm is pitching.

I mean, we’re walking into a landmine on this one. Gee, Beth, I didn’t mean to hock the Eveready’s out of your glove box when I was desperate to get my flashlight going. Oh, no problem, Gil, I didn’t mean to say that Gregg Hamm is as blind as the umps you signed to contracts. Nope, I don’t think this is fodder that’ll show up in the Community News section of the Milford Enquirer.

And who are these scoundrels that dare bad-mouth Gil, in his hometown (I’m presuming) no less? In all my years of following Gil, you might have an Ironwood Ingot manager here or a Valley Modified manager there (hey, not everybody liked Nick’s Pizza) but you didn’t have the Clanton boys and the Dalton gang in the same saloon running down the hero like he was Gregg Hamm trying to field a Texas Leaguer. This will take to time to adjust.

So I’ll leave to your imagination what Beth and Gil are really trying to say. Probably not if Heather Burns is married yet or Marjie Ducey is moving into a retirement home. However, we KNOW what the Dalton gang is saying. Stay tuned.

“We’ll be back in a moment to see if Gil walks out the back door with Beth the Bartender and will finally have SOMEONE attending his reception of the Valley Conference Coach of the Year at the Milford Chapter of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union Non-Alcoholic Banquet after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

BAM!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“All I did was ask for directions to New Thayer and the Valley Conference coach smashed a Jack Daniels Straight bottle over my head. Beth the Bartender had to apply a tourniquet to my ears to stanch the bleeding. I would have died were it not for the Gin & Tonic I drank to calm my nerves.”

“This is The Shark with Joe Sharkey, Esquire, Attorney & Associates and George Prissybutte came into my office literally on his last leg. The Valley coaches had had violent temper issues before, their kicking the cat, their horse, their children, their lawn chairs, their grandmother in the nursing home, their grandfather at Milford Public Cemetery, their TV set, etc. well-documented. They were on house arrest when the Brawl at the Bar occurred. Mr. Prisseybutte deserved better and got better. No more Goshen coaches throwing beer nuts at my client, especially when those and the stewed oysters were meant to be appetizers at Happy Hour.”

“I received $1,645,105,745 as compensation for my loss. I understand Milford Lounge used the tax break the Milford Beer Institute was pressuring Milford Beverage Commission to grant to settle on my claim. Now, I can see the world and pay for my busted garage door. No more worrying whether the cat burgler is going to hock my push mower. Thanks, Shark!!!!!!”

“You heard the man. If you have been to your neighborhood bar and somebody breaks your nose with a pool cue stick because you didn’t line up the 8 ball the proper way, call The Shark at 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. There are deadlines for making claims so don’t wait until Christmas to complain about somebody pouring arsenic down your Michelob because you’re on the wrong end of the North Carolina-Duke debate. Get the money you deserve. One call, that’s all.”

Gang, watch your language. Dammit, this is a Christian site and I expect you to act accordingly. Let’s be befitting, not befuddling.

And God bless you, Gang.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Enticed By Beth The Bartender To Come Play With Her Pussy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She had some nice Siamese kittens she adopted from the Milford Animal Shelter. They were cuties, fer sure.”

7 Comments »

  1. I believe Mr. Potty Mouth is going to turn out to be Gil’s nemesis as we go forward. The new writer mentioned somewhere that the Valley Tech coach (if I remember correctly) will be at odds with him. Shades of the old Moon-Thorp conflicts, but between coaches. He’s got a goatee too (based on Monday’s strip) so you know he’s bad news!

    Comment by MopMan — July 26, 2022 @ 1:40 pm

  2. Will Gil say, “Hey! Watch the language in front of the lady! You vile bunch of creeps!”
    Or, “ If you’re looking for trouble,I’m the man to see!”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 26, 2022 @ 3:31 pm

  3. 1. “YES THAT’S WHAT THE LETTER SAID;
    THE LETTER THAT JOHNNY WALKER READ!”

    1a. Thanks to whoever dug up that HA-HA-HA song yesterday… I’d never heard it before but it’s brilliant!

    2. Lemme guess… In this universe Gilberto is the degenerate lowlife alcoholic and Martinez Luna is the straight-laced boy scout?

    2a. And make no mistake, this is totally a passive-aggressive “I wasn’t flirting with you unless of course you’re down for little poke tonight in which case I was totally serious!” -tactic being played out by Gilberto… That’s assuming he and the bartender don’t already have ‘past history’…

    2b. So far this Gilberto has been fucking AWESOME!! If this night ends with him piss drunk, bruised, bloodied and handcuffed in the back of a police car we’re going to have to build a statue for this new writer!! I’m already loving the fact that he isn’t universally loved and respected by his rival coaches…

    2c. I’m mostly fine with Gilberto’s folksy/rough-and-tumble use of colloquial English, except I’m telling you right now he needs to quit calling players “son” like he’s Bear Bryant in 1977…

    3. It’s official — No matter what happens from here on out, my nine-year streak of every seasonal storyline being worse than the one before it is finally over…

    Comment by Hitorque — July 26, 2022 @ 4:11 pm

  4. I like where this is going for sure. No more of Rubin’s bullshit ‘ lemonade on the porch’ dialogue between Mimi and Gil that talks about nothing

    Comment by franku2016 — July 26, 2022 @ 5:19 pm

  5. I don’t see Gil as an Old Fashioned kind of guy.

    What’s wrong with a scotch and soda? Eh, you know what? I’m cool with it. Maybe Gil should start wearing a pinkie ring and schoolin’ chumps at 9-ball.

    Comment by nedryerson — July 26, 2022 @ 7:57 pm

  6. […] In her tiny voiced farewell are traces of a desire to make something else stiff for Gil besides an old-fashioned. Nice tiny, dashed word balloon by the Chief there; can’t recall the last time I saw one of […]

    Pingback by Leaving the Light On for Gil | This Week in Milford — July 30, 2022 @ 2:10 pm

  7. Excellent job, Gang!!!!!! And I have to go along with the consensus about the new writer, he seems to have a better grasp of the task at hand. Personally, I like how he has made issues a little spicier.

    The overall commentary was super and I read and learn. I always look forward to your contributions.

    God bless you all. You make my world.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 1, 2022 @ 3:05 pm


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