This Week in Milford

July 28, 2022

Loser Leaves The Town Of Milford!!!!! No Time Limit!!!!! No Disqualification!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:06 pm

I have always made it a policy of not mentioning the authors, good or bad, although the comments about them from the contributors and readers have certainly been hilarious and well-founded. For me, I like to call things straight down the middle and mentioning anybody would taint my judgment. That’s why I have tried not mentioning my favorite teams any more than I’m forced to do. Leave the rose-colored glasses on the table.

That said, I have to agree with the readers, Henry Barajas has certainly spiced things up and done so at a better pace than any of our predecessors to this point. We have an interesting tale that could unfold nicely if given the chance.

I still think it’s interesting, given that Berrill, in my judgment, never had me thinking I was watching Memphis Wrestling with Lance Russell, Dave Brown, and Cory Macklin as announcers doing the play-by-play of Jerry Lawler defending his Southern Heavyweight Belt against Tommy Rich with Frank Morrell as the referee like we’ve witnessed the last few days.

And it’s not like Gil has gone 214-0 against Valley Tech although if Billy can do the research to confirm or deny, it would be truly appreciated. Either way, we have another braggadocio on our hands and I liked the terms the Valley Tech coach proffered which stays within the bounds of reason and common sense.

There IS one hitch. What if Gil LOSES???? What’s he going to do as a second career? Ride the garbage truck with the rest of the laborers and make the early morning rounds for Milford Waste Disposal, Inc.? Work as a CPA for Baxendale, Andrews, Radley, Jensen, Thorp, Claxton & Pranit, Ltd.? Thanks for preparing my credits and debits with Milford Lounge, Gil. Shame that Claxton reinjured his groin or the 4th quarter would have belonged to you.

Work as a seasonal grape-picker for Milford Valley? Oh yeah, that’s ex-Coach Thorp over there. Look at him go, he’s on his 7th basket already. Maybe he might get promoted to management. Truck driver for Milford Roadway???? Gil, you’re almost done with your A license certification. Now if you can back the trailer to the dock without smashing into the bossman’s SUV, you’ll be on that cushy route on I-70 in no time. Just remember, steer the wheel opposite the trailer.

I don’t do fireworks myself but as long as a person does it safely, I have no problem with a person firing them off, especially around the holidays such as July 4th.

I was still intrigued to see a fireworks warehouse next to a barn and silo smack dab in the middle of farm country, the corn field about fifty feet from the fireworks warehouse.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Three Alarm Fire Finally Under Control At Milford Valley Vineyards After Three Days Of Burning!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Fire Depatment Station #59 Chief: ‘We have strong evidence the conflagration originated in the cherry bomb department of Milford Fireworks Galore and rapidly spread to the first two rows of red grape seedlings and got ugly from there.'”

Since when did Coach Thorp become The Sheriff himself? I feel like I’m reading one of those westerns by Louis L’ Amour where Dude Thorpwell is at the Milford Saloon downing a shot of whiskey when Flapgate Martinez loses at Old Maid and says “DAMN, I knew I shouldn’t have picked up that Tillie Tumble card!” and Dude walks over moralizing and tells ol’ Flapgate to watch his cussin’ in front of Mimi Martinez and Miss Kitty the Bartender. And Flapgate tells Dude if he had played his starting quarterback and not sat him for disciplinary reasons after his QB lit some firecrackers under Trigger’s and Mr. Ed’s crotches, his team would have won the State and have more than a 2014 trophy in the hallway. Aside from Dude Thorpwell possessing a potty mouth himself and don’t EVEN tell me he hasn’t used profanity in front of the ladies, especially when he’s got Dead Man’s Hand, this scenario can only lead to the inevitable, Gunfight at Milford Corral. You lose the gunfight, I get to pick the funeral director and I lose, you can hang me from a yucca plant and let your team use me as a tackling dummy. Deal.

What’s even funnier, given that Luke Martinez invokes Bluto images in me, it is comical to imagine Bluto telling Popeye that he is getting tired of watching his VT teams getting their butts kicked 235 times in a row and that Popeye has an unfair advantage because he feeds his team spinach at the pre-game meal. Spinach Burgers, Spinach Neopolitan Ice Cream, Spinach Cola, Spinach Diet Cola, Spinach Oreos, Spinach Reduced Fat Oreos, Spinach Pasta, Spinach Spaghetti, Spinach Mashed Potatoes, Spinach Veggie Salad, God, ease off the throttle. Feed them less Spinach Cacciatore del Vino Al Fresco della Rosa Spumante next game and I’ll quit bitching.

Luke, I hate to break this to you but if you can’t stand the heat, get out of Milford’s locker room. No coach I know of begs for mercy from the other coach before any game. Either you find a way to get it done or seek another profession. As I’ve mentioned a million times, as Sergeant Foley exclaimed in An Officer and a Gentleman when he had his hand tightly gripped around a recruit’s neck “Are you able to break free or are you relying upon my generosity to humanity?”, if you can’t break free, that’s on you. Entreating Dude Thorpwell to take it easy on Flapwell’s ragamuffin cowhands won’t win the West nor get the cattle to market on the Chisholm Trail. Puh-leasssssse, Coach, would you pretty please with a cherry on top not send so many longhorns or send the ones with herpes so that we’ll even out. Nobody will contract the disease when they’re dining on T-bone.

And is it me or is this turning into Milford Lounge Vanquished On The Planet Of The Apes? People seem to have accumulated a lot of hair lately, notably around the arms and hands. The Chisholm Trail Subdued By The Planet Of The Apes? That might not make great theater although the artwork is strongly suggesting otherwise. And if Mimi starts coaching her volleyball teams with more hair around her appendages than Dude Thorpwell drinks old-fashioned’s, this plot has done run into several speed bumps.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Retracts Story About UFO Attacking His Living Unit At Milford Luxury Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I thought some extraterrestrials were on a blitzkrieg until Milford Farm Supply informed me that one of their bottle rockets sailed the wrong way from a wedding in a cornfield.”

The other issue is that while Gil was undoubtedly at odds a time or two with opposing coaches, never did any coach propose a Texas Death Match like the present scenario. For that matter, name me the last time your friendly high school coach proposed/was proposed by another coach to conditions only the fans at Milford Gardens would love when Jerry Lawler took on Handsome Jimmy Valiant in a Milford Cage Match. Folks, it’s pretty sad when we have to entertain the idea that Blowhard Martinez would suggest a Loser Gets His Head Shaved Game after the final whistle but that is what is plainly in front of our face. Is Gordon Soley going to take Marty Moon’s place at the game? I can just see this one

“Naw, we want Gordon this time. Women go for those sexy goggle glasses and he calls it straight down the middle. Marty homered the entire 4th quarter the last game. You’d think he was calling an intrasquad scrimmage.”

And as Jive Turkey pointed out, I wouldn’t trust Blowhard Martinez any more than I would trust the contents in his whiskey. He isn’t going to move to Siberia and get a job as a computer analyst and teach the people along the Amur River how to transcribe Russian to English or vice versa on an IBM. Nope, I don’t see him working the 3rd shift as a janitor at some station in Antarctica. Oh, Luke, could you throw that bag of trash in the kitchen out to the dumpster when you get done sweeping the control room? And the radio room got dumped with more penguin droppings. Yes, you can use one of our shovels. Like Gil is going to be Marty’s color man should Gil lose the bet. You might as well insert Blowhard Martinez in that same spot, whether Blowhard loses or not.

BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honeybun, Lilac Loving Pretty Penny Baby Wimpers, this hayride is a lot of fun and the sex is great but can you tell the driver not to stop by the horse barn? Those Fire Missiles are giving me a headache.”

“Anything for you, Mr. Dr. Pearl.”

Come to think of it, what is this with “Let’s Make a Deal”? Like Beth the Bartender is Carol Merrill in disguise. Plus anytime now, Luke is going to rip the goatee off and show he’s really Monty Hall. That’s right, Gil, I’ll give you $1000 plus the smoothie blender and shot glasses that Carol Merrill is brandishing plus what’s behind Door #3 if you’ll quit coaching. Whoa, this must be big potatoes if the other Valley Conference coaches are showing the shakes as evidenced by the Head Ripple Effect. Lord knows why the Exploding Eyeball Effect wasn’t added on but I guess Monty should have thrown in the Captain Morgan Rum cupboard to sweeten the deal and compel those coaches to risk losing their eyeballs. It did cause one of the coaches’ shirts to change colors as Mr. Green Shirt today was Mr. Blue Shirt the other day when Luke was bragging how he slammed Tod Andrews’ head into the turnbuckle that earned Luke the 3-count on Tod. Darn, why Gil couldn’t do the same thing will always be concealed behind Door #2.

“I’ll give $1000 plus all the whiskey that Carol Merrill is showing by Otis the Drunk’s table to call off the deal.”

“I can still keep Jaime and Keri?”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Fire Finally Subdued At Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Agricultural Outlet With Only 354 Porcine Creatures Lost As Damages!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Fire Officials traced to sparklers being flashed around by children at a nearby birthday party in front of Milford Fireworks Galore annex.”

As long as Planet of the Apes hands (and arms) is sharing the same stage with freak hands and sometimes being one and the same, can anybody not make it look like the hairs on the forearm was drawn with a #2 pencil? As bad as my artwork will ever be, I can also go steal a pencil from my neighborhood carpenter (as long as I bring it back) and doodle straight line segments on someone’s appendage and try to convince the audience that is real hair growth. No need to dodge any “But they look like little serpintine creatures Mr. Kahn grew from his incubator” questions or tell them Captain Kirk cleared those appendages once he blasted Kahn with a sawed-off shotgun.

And I’m sorry, Gil is not going to follow Luke Martinez all over Neptune to see if Luke is keeping his end of the bargain should he lose the bet. This is stupid. A few days ago, he was body-slamming Gil and Tod in his raconteur phase, now he’s attempting to be semi-conciliatory with Gil? Luke, Gil has long eaten Bark Is Worse Than His Planet Of The Apes Pubic Hairs for breakfast. Don’t go making pacts with The Devil unless you have Plan B should the latter drag you down to Hell anyway. Not to say Gil is The Devil himself but I’d still CYA in this blood-drawn document. You won’t have to worry about seeing Gil in Hades about your integrity that way.

“And the bell has sounded and the match has been declared a draw although Mouth of the South Manager Jimmy Hart claimed Gil was pulling Luke’s hair in this Coach’s Death Match here at Milford Gardens. We’ll be back to see if Gordon Soley hammer out an agreement for further action with the Milford Wrestling Alliance after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re watching WDIG-TV, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Thorp Household one Saturday afternoon, Milford Country Club closed today due to annual golf cart maintenance and inventory

Mimi and the kids are playing Charades. Mimi is performing The Twist by Chubby Checker and Keri keeps guessing Mommy’s washing machine. Mimi is about to smack Keri upside her head when

BBRRRRRRRRRRIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGG

BBRRRRRRRRRRIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGG

“Hello?”

“Is this the Thorp residence?”

“Yes it is.”

“Were you aware that your husband has been drinking out of the garden hose the last half hour?”

“WHAT???? Who is this????”

“Just one of your friendly neighbors who hopes Gil doesn’t go blind from it.”

CLICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mimi and the kids go out to the driveway and, sure enough, Gil is sucking from the hose like a baby bottle

“Gil, what are you doing????????????”

“Oh hi, Honey. I read in Milford Men’s Monthly that tap water is one of the leaders in causing Erectile Dysfunction. I am not going to lose my performance in bed from drinking out of the drinking fountain. I called Milford Waterworks and they said our garden hose water came straight from Mudlark Lake. That’s macho stuff, none of them chemicals they add in city water where I risk compromising my manhood.”

“Gil, you get your butt back inside before I wring your neck with that hose.”

“Mommy, I saw Daddy stick the hose in his crotch. He mumbled something about massaging better than a vibrator.”

“Keri, Honey, sometimes Daddy gets stopped up around his private parts and he needs the proper equipment to get him stimulated. If it’ll help grow the roses and conquer Mommy in bed, I’m all for it.”

“Gil, you’re going to have a thorn in your side and a size 12 up your butt if you don’t march your hind end to the medicine cabinet and take those EREC-3500 Hydrogen Peroxide Enriched Medicated Tablets like I’ve begged you for weeks.”

“Honey, let me tell you about the birds and the bees. The garden hose and Chem-Lawn have made our garden grow with lots of marigolds and snapdragons and rhododendrons and petunias. The way I figure it, rub some Chem-Lawn on my crotch and drink 40 gallons from the garden hose and I’ll be harder than the asphalt driveway. Tonight, you’ll be having sex with a concrete highway median marker.”

“If have to get my pleasure from someone who slurps from the well in the ground, I’d rather read Harlequin novels about Bob Knight.”

“Mommy, Daddy dumped the whole bag of peat moss in his shorts. He said dead humus will revive his wee wee and make him hunch like Tarzan.”

“Keri, I go hard or I go home. Right now, I’m home but nowhere near hard. But once I get that Milford Valley Mountain Spring Water delivered this evening, directly from a spring that kills the smell at the Milford Sewage Treatment Plant, I’ll be on the warpath and Mommy’ll be Custer under the sheets.”

“Mommy, I’m going to spray some Chem-Lawn on my wee wee and get an erection bigger than Daddy’s.”

“JAIME, DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, I mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-“

Suddenly the hose stops working

“What happened?”

A neighbor nearby meekly says “I think Milford Waterworks is still on Water Rationing Alert this week.”

“Thank God because we were running up a bill. I thought July’s statement was a typo. And my sex life was no question a huge typo. I took those EREC-3500 tablets and found out I didn’t need Niagara Falls to have the time of my life in bed. With so many products like these sold by the wonderful staff at Milford Men’s Clinic, isn’t it time your macho life became a rose garden? Get on down here where they promise you a rose garden and so much more. And leave Chem Lawn to kill the crabgrass, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

Come on, Gang, I’ve watched Championship Wrestling for years. Luke Martinez is not Handsome Jimmy Valiant. I’ve never seen The Boogie Woogie Man sport a goatee, let alone trash Gil behind his back SO THERE.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Waterworks one morning

BRRRRRIIINNNGGGGG

“Waterworks. No, the water from Mudlark Lake will not resume operations until one o’clock this afternoon. I understand. My wife says I have issues too. You’re welcome, ‘bye.”

“Is that Marty Moon again? That’s the third time this week he’s griped about Peaches threatening to leave him.”

7 Comments »

  1. After YEARS of Rubin’s asinine, far-fetched stories, this is a welcome change. All we need to see now is “… why should I make a deal with you, McDouche?… I’m the shit and you’re a fuckin wannabe… hey Beth!… next round is on him (points thumb at new guy)…”

    Comment by franku2016 — July 28, 2022 @ 1:29 pm

  2. This is equal parts dumb and awesome… Might just actually work?

    Comment by Hitorque — July 28, 2022 @ 5:16 pm

  3. Dumb ass Gil mostly has longevity. Outside of the Tru Standish state championship he’s mostly a schmuck on wheels. But as tdrew said, I’d like to know his record vs VT. And no way this VT coach abides by this loser leave town bet. Like this ham n egger is going to teach Algebra. VT will find another driving instructor/ gym teacher. This cock knocker isn’t going anywhere.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 28, 2022 @ 5:32 pm

  4. Yeah, it’s weird about all the arm hair suddenly, considering the artist hasn’t changed.

    Comment by MopMan — July 28, 2022 @ 5:47 pm

  5. @ Jive Turkey, Gil is 20-3 against Valley Tech since 2001 and has won 9 straight games in the series.

    Comment by billytheskink — July 29, 2022 @ 7:44 am

  6. So no wonder they have a new coach, ha. I predict VT upsets Milford this year, just to ramp up the new budding rivalry with this ahole Luke character.

    Comment by MopMan — July 29, 2022 @ 8:02 am

  7. Great job, as always!!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment of the Day goes to Jive Turkey, hands down. No way can I see ol’ Butthead from VT working with kids on the slide rule should he get beaten by a field goal at OK Corral. Well done, My Man.

    THANK YOU to Billy for coming through and doing his usual excellent job of keeping us posted concerning the story at hand. It was a HUGE shot in the arm. Thanks again.

    But everybody had a hand today in the slaying of the Gil. You make this fun to do. And you keep Free Speech going too. You all are winners, in my book. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — July 31, 2022 @ 9:08 pm


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