This Week in Milford

August 2, 2022

We’re Not Giving Up…Yet.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:12 pm

Gang, remember SNL when Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd performed their Wiiiillllddddd ”n’ Craaazzzzyyyyyyy Guys routine? That was supposed to be a one-off sketch that was spoofing this dating service somewhere in, say, NYC that was tailored for immigrants that recently crossed The Pond from Eastern Bloc countries like Czechoslovakia and Hungary. Since they could barely speak ten words of English, the dating service was designed to help immigrants terrified of walking out the door in a country they had never seen. Dating someone who could help break the ice made for a fruitful business.

And we all laughed when Dan and Steve were in those tacky clothes trying to hit on Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner at a bar and John Belushi is a jerk who tries to hit on these women too and looks horrible when he’s defending the women from these wild and crazy fools. Even if he wins the brawl he more than likely will win, Jane and Gilda will still snub John in the end.

But when Gil is involved in roughly the same circumstances, there is an element of concern. He drinks it straight and he’s on a first-name basis with the female bartender? He’s had a falling out with Mimi and the kids might be barely speaking to him? His son cruises the streets and his daughter is applying for the nunnery? Then he’s flying home with…whom? The stewardess? The pilot? The co-pilot? A game show host? Well, she has a name tag on her person.

I believe I speak for many when I say that while the pacing has been much-improved, it’s going to take awhile to get used to this New Look Gil.

Milk and cookies transformed into Jim Beam and beer nuts? Gang, I really can’t see Rex Morgan in the hospital break room drinking straight from a Strohs tall boy with no chaser. I hope the patient having open heart surgery doesn’t smell Rex’s beer breath. But that’s the new look we may be encountering with Gil. Whew, Coach, okay, I got the Delaware Wing-T but…have you been drinking? And what about Mimi? Is she going to have a daiquiri in her gym bag at volleyball practice? And who is this Ms. Barnes? Like, is she going to share sloppy joes with Gil at 2-a-days? Ummmm, Coach, it’s delicious. Oh, you meant the sloppy joes? Uh, the meat’s a little dry. Where’s the salt? Oh, Mimi only said two words in bed? You know my number.

Now if Gil can find the money to pay Jaime’s speeding ticket.

Ozzie and Harriett at a marriage counselor? What we’re looking at here.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil And Mimi Agree To See George Harrison’s Spiritual Adviser For Reconciliation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I feel Mimi and I can work this out as long as they leave the sitar outside the gym.”

Many times I talked about Gil and his drinking/general loose behavior in the past and meant not a word of it. I’m not so sure anymore. This Gil-turned-Wayne-Newton-Live-at-The-Sands is leaving many of us hanging concerning the direction of the strip.

P1 is a prime example. Mimi not opening up about issues in her life? What does she have to hide and why is she hiding it? I really wanted to be a real estate agent and didn’t earn enough credits in the Real Estate Program at Milford Community College. Then I married Gil and became a volleyball coach. I hate it when Gil farts when we’re in bed at night and it sounds worse than his snoring. We’re going to spend the month of August exploring options such as these before the Sloppy Joe Fest at football scrimmage? Or Gil has been spending more time with Beth the Bartender than Jaime at soccer practices? Thorpiverse, again, we only have one month to work with.

While I understand Gil is human (brace yourself) and is vulnerable to chinks in his armor, I hope this doesn’t drag down to the point where Gil is sharing the same room with Tiki Jensen’s family in Hooverville. Gil had one too many flings with B the B so Mimi threw out his belongings and Gil is presently eating breakfast at Milford Soup Kitchen. Brother, can you spare a dime?

While “Hip Hop Hooray” by Naughty by Nature is playing on Dr. Pearl’s 1921 Victrola in her office

“I’m a wiiiiillllddddddddd and crrrrraaaazzzzzzyyyyyyyy GUY!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, you’re not wearing that at the pep rally?”

P2 is an obvious takeaway from Jim Valvano’s “Don’t ever give up” speech. Jimmy V, in my view was always a great coach (his brother, Bob, coached at Bellarmine and is the color man for one of the college basketball team I follow) and 1983 proved that. Houston, with the Phi Slamma Jamma dudes such as Hakeem Olujawon and Clyde “The Glide” Drexler who later played big-time in the NBA, was heavily favored to win the NCAA Title. But Valvano did something no other team had been able to do, slow the game to North Carolina State’s (Jimmy V’s team) pace. With seven seconds to go and a tie game, Derek Wittenberg, NC State’s guard, threw up a prayer that was nowhere near an answer until Lorenzo Charles for the Wolfpack burst out of nowhere and slammed it home.

Norh Carolina State, 54, Houston, 52.

Houston was stunned, needless to say.

But that’s basketball. Why would Emmett be telling Gil not to throw in the towel with Mimi? What’s the matter, they’re not bitching anymore about the teams they’re coaching while lounging on the verandah? Gil is not playing informant anymore when the football team is sitting in 10 different portions of the bleachers when the volleyball matches are being played? Gee, Gil hasn’t said anything lately about his football team cliques at our basketball games. Is he SEEING SOMEBODY? I reckon I’d be concerned too if my jock wife was no longer handing me scouting reports on the rival basketball teams. She must be playing the field.

And even if it’s nothing to do with infidelity, this sullen Mimi Thorp concept is dubious. Gee, I don’t know how to tell Gil that I don’t like playing foursomes with Barney Fife and Thelma Lou at Milford Country Club. Boy, that’s an issue bound to erupt like that extinct volcano Mt. Etna. This should carry us through August anyway. Our marriage is on the rocks because Mr. Dr. Pearl reads poetry such as W.H. Auden before he starts banging Dr. Pearl. Gil barely reads Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs. Maybe if he’d spice up the story and talk about Snow White resisting Dopey’s advances and smacking him on the face and hitting him in the crotch with his digging tool, the sex would be more exciting. Hey, variety is the spice of life.

At the Thorp bedroom

“Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sex is like Bundt Cakes

When I do it with you”

“Gil, come to bed.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Caught With Pictures Of Men Other Gil At Baggage Check!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They ripped my yearbook for any evidence? Goodness.”

And I agree, the scriptwriting has been great but I have one question. How do you get lost flying a plane?

I realize being a pilot presents different and many times difficult challenges but I still am not getting a good feeling the last time Emmett Tays flew with Gil. Where’d they go? Say you’re flying out of Milford’s airfield and heading to New Thayer. Is Emmett saying they somehow landed at Guantanamo Bay? Gil, if I saw miles of ocean and suddenly saw palm trees and banana plantations down below, I would have probably turned back if I had the gas. No sense in finding out if Castro is still the dictator. I could safely conclude this area is probably not in the Valley Conference district. Or if I see rice fields everywhere, I guess I would safely conclude I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and landed in Vietnam. You didn’t stop and ask for directions on Samoa? I don’t blame Emmett. Who wants to stay overnight in Greenland? Next time, get a Rand-McNally Road Atlas so you don’t have to drink the water.

Almost ran out of gas? Gil, you’re in the air. You don’t call a tow truck and leave it on the shoulder. Now, I am assuming, given that you are still in one piece, that you had the sense of a duck to land the damn thing somewhere on Easter Islands and fuel up so you could make it to New Thayer. I would hope this only one time this happened. But if you are on this luxury cruise taking breathtaking views of the coast of Alaska and this wayward plane is wandering the skies eventually bearing towards the Attu Islands for fuel and supplies, you’ll know who it is.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“UFO Spotted By Milford Astronomy Society Observation Deck At 3:00 Yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Scientists called Dr. Pearl to be sure Gil had checked back in at Milford Airfield for the day.”

He’s one willllllldddddd aanddd crrrrrrraaaazzzzyyy-Okay, so Gil and Ms. Holmes are going to go flying and we assume that the relationship is 100% professional even if I am really skeptical, given Gil’s chummy relationship with Beth the Bartender. But okay, she’s in uniform and doesn’t appear to be destined for the Gulag Archipelago although Gil and Tays had to stay a couple of nights at the Gulag Marriott when the plane was knocking something fierce. And Gil called AAA to find his way back.

But I will give the benefit of the doubt and say she won’t go back with Gil with underhanded intentions with Gil still happily married to Mimi and once in Milford, get a job at the Milford Star being a co-reporter with Heather Burns. Things have gotten off to a rocky start but I trust Ms. Holmes will have her clothes on once they land in Milford. Well, one of them has to land the plane.

“We’ll return in a moment to find out if Ms. Holmes is actually Keri Thorp and she took night classes at Milford High School Adult Education Program to get her pilot’s license to run out of gas in Liechtenstein. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Let me be perfectly clear on this one. My relationships with Ms. Holmes and Ms. Beth the Bartender are entirely according to Hoyle. I am tired of walking through the airport and reading on the matrix news flash that I’ve had more affairs than Marty Moon and Jimmy Swaggert combined. What would I tell my kids? That I spent time under the sheets with Hazel? I couldn’t look ’em in the eye.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp with Milford Beverage Warehouse and to prove that there’s nothing under the sheets but Mimi and the occasional cat licking itself, we will be there this Saturday to sign autographs and pass out free samples of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. We just want to set the record straight that our marriage is as strong as ever, stronger than the Jack Daniels Kentucky Fried Straight Whiskey our loyal customers buy to make The Warehouse the #1 place for all your booze needs.

Now why would I let Ms. Holmes buy my Jim Beam Straight No Chaser Bourbon Delight when Mimi has a credit card of her own? At $27.99, after I have signed all the autographs for the afternoon and my hand can still pick up a mop, you KNOW where I’m going with Mimi’s traveler’s cheques. Throw in a bag of beer nuts and still only have to use one traveler’s cheque and Mimi and I are still on speaking terms.

Folks, no way do Ms. Holmes have anything in common except for the front row on the plane and I’ll back that up with a Michelob Ultra in the 24-Pak for $20.99. Shoot, ain’t no way I’m going to share my beer can with someone who flew us to British Belize once when I was taking a nap in the baggage compartment. And she was sober at the time. If she’s going to get drunk off of Falls City, we might have landed on Eos or one of Jupiter’s moons, they’re sometimes hard to keep track of but that’s beside the point. Mimi would have waken me if we had crash-landed on Ganymede.

And you won’t see Ms. Barnes coming out of the Beer Cave this Saturday when Mimi and I renew our wedding vows. We will make a resolution to fairer play and pass the savings on to you. The Warehouse knows how to save a buck for our customers without having Ms. Barnes ring up the purchases at the cash register. You need not worry about seeing her when you impulse-buy that Milford Horoscope Weekly from the magazine rack along with your purchases of Honey-Nut Cheerios and Boones Farm.

So come on in, doggone it, get our autographs, pose next to the Wink Martindale statue up front and get your Bud Light in the 30-Pak for $23.99. Two things are guaranteed, Ms. Barnes will not spray Krylon on Wink’s face and you will get Nature’s Finest at a discount. We will have Pinkertons on hand to enforce either issue.

What more can I say? Come enjoy The Good Life and watch rumors get pitched in the waste basket along with the Cheetos that are way past the sell-by date and tell ’em Coach Thorp AND Mimi sent ya.

Gang, what’s the matter with you? That’s not Minnie Pearl in P3. She wore a price tag on her hat, not her jacket.

But God bless you anyway.

At the airport

“You need a Fodor’s Guide to British Belize?”

“No, I think I’ll find Milford Airport this time.”

6 Comments »

  1. I’m sure the dialog/pictures will clear it up tomorrow, but Ms. Holmes is the pilot. Based on P3 she’s telling Gil, “Call me Captain”. Although Gil is a pilot himself who owns a small plane, or at least he used to, (and the new writer is bringing back Gil’s flying hobby) so I’m not sure why someone else is flying him home. Unless he’s not actually leaving yet and “Ms. Holmes” is doing some role playing and they’re about to retire to the cockpit to finish out this fantasy. Bow chicka wow wow.

    Comment by MopMan — August 2, 2022 @ 2:42 pm

  2. Haha…maybe tomorrow, we will see Gil do a Leslie Neilson imitation with a “…Oh captain?…have you ever seen a grown man naked?..” comment. So far, I like the new ballsy Gil better than the old, I’m-a-pussy-and-a-pushover-and-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-lemonade-swilling Gil too.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 2, 2022 @ 2:52 pm

  3. Tays with the candy ass Jimmy V speech. Take it easy. Then what’s with this broad?! Ms. isn’t good enough. It’s Captain. Big friggin deal. You fly a plane. Now crash the fukn thing.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 2, 2022 @ 4:14 pm

  4. Wait a goddamned minute… Gilberto FLEW to wherever they were handing out the COTY Award (I presume Capital City?) Maybe I was wrong and Milford is located in Texas or California or Alaska or something??

    And who the hell is the blonde??

    Comment by hitorque — August 3, 2022 @ 9:30 am

  5. Several clanks here. “NCC” is the prefix used for tail numbers on US aircraft before WW2, and also for “non-commercial complex” aircraft in the present (“complex” involves things such as retractable landing gear, controllable pitch prop, horsepowder above a certain value, etc.) Gil’s puddle jumper, probably a Cessna 172, fits none of these categories. And hitorque, I have no idea who the blonde is either. She doesn’t act like a check pilot or any other category of airman other than perhaps a cabin attendant trying to get to Dulles in time to check tickets IAD-CPH. I spent too much time in the Rubin era complaining that Rubin had absolutely no idea of how schools and school sports operate; now it appears “the new guy” has not looked into general aviation, either.

    Oh, yeah– 101 octane avgas is definitely gasoline.

    Comment by vaganova's crew chief — August 6, 2022 @ 2:12 pm

  6. This hasn’t devolved into the full-blown comic emasculation of the Mark Trail reboot, but the direction isn’t looking good. I don’t enter the Mudlarkverse to be handed downer plot lines and additional assholes. (Marty Moon is enough.) This isn’t some stupid-ass rant about lefties taking over the comics; I read Gil Thorp to be taken away into the never-never land of Milford High precisely because it isn’t reality; it’s a funny world that’s ridiculous and offers a cockeyed optimism. This new bit — art and storyline — seems to be a bucket of shit that just gets bigger every day.

    Comment by psemerson — August 8, 2022 @ 11:31 am


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