This Week in Milford

August 4, 2022

“Gil, Remember The Sexy Milkman Who Delivered The Homogenized Before Breakfast…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:30 pm

This “Days of our Lives in Milford” is going to take some getting used to, rest assured. Gil never came home to an empty house unless Mimi was still coaching and the kids were at an after-school program. When there is now a shadow of a doubt concerning their whereabouts, well, as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz said “We’re not in Milford anymore”.

Where could Mimi be? I think it’s safe to assume Mimi is not in dialogue with Beth the Bartender over volleyball tactics. And I don’t think she ran off with the FedEx dude, the mailman, or the line cook at Milford Diner. The problem is, if, by Gil’s admission, the marriage and the Jim Beam are both on the rocks, we could be in for a story arc a bit too ponderous for even the adult audience to be lugging around. The price we pay, I reckon.

Okay, but then where are the kids? Definitely not in the den playing Sorry! Probably not out back playing Jarts. Doncha just love jogging your imagination with all kinds of possibilities? I got it, they’re in the tree house playing strip poker with the neighborhood kids. God knows where things are headed when we’re stabbing in the dark.

We do know Gil is home and clueless. Well, we’re not at his home but we’re beyond clueless. Anybody for an old-fashioned while we’re putting this together?

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Steadfastly Refuses To Post His Children On A Milk Carton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I saw them at the Sloppy Joe Cookout at football practice. They’ll turn up after I interview with Heather.”

While Darrin Stephens is combing the house for Samantha and the kids, it is a perfect opportunity to notice the multitude of items qualifying for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects in P1. Thorpiverse, for example, would have you believing that that’s a sidewalk leading up to the doorway. How many sidewalks do you notice are turned on its edge and serving as a conversation piece for people who drive by (“Oh, Gil’s pavement is so last year…”) ? Is this the new Neo-Georgian pathway that stands on end and functions better as an addendum to the decor of the flower bed rather than actually being anything to walk on? Tiptoe through the tulips rather than turn your ankle on this concrete objet d’art would be the watchword at this point.

And is there a contagion of bushes that we know of? Granted, COVID-19 was a serious spreading disease but I never thought it would apply to the shrubbery multiplying like rabbits in the Thorps’ front yard. I remember a Hitchcock tale (I’m thinking anyway) where the killer greenery surrounded the house and nobody could escape and all the shears were in the tool shed in the back yard. Well, I don’t think Mimi and her kids got swallowed up by some demonic azalea so we’ll throw out the Hitchcock Factor for the time being.

Then there’s the door. No stately Bruce Wayne Manor speciman here. Like the Maintenance Department of the Milford School Corporation transposed the gymnasium door out of its hinges and installed it at the front entrance of the Thorp household after the other door got blown away along with Dorothy’s relatives when the tornado hit Kansas and sidetracked to Milford. We assume the object in question next to the door is door trim. It is not a python that swallowed the Thorp children before its main course.

Finally, the obligatory pine tree and naturally, we just see a shadow of it. Why display it as another piece of candy in Willy Wonka’s Candy Factory when it can be drawn as the Mystery Treat? Maybe it’s a pine tree and more than likely is. But what the hay, use your imagination. Perhaps it’s a gigantic popsicle that went to the Milford Beauty Salon for a curling scheme. It could happen.

At Dr. Pearl’s office with Townes Van Zandt piping out of one of her file cabinets

“Dr. Pearl, have you seen my wife and kids?”

“Mr. Luhm, I thought you were single.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Saw Mimi And Elvis Alight On A UFO Last Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She told me to make sure the kids do their homework until she returns from Orion.”

The Search For Mimi continues in the living room; that would be a logical place to look. Usually people are watching TV or on the phone talking to friends and family. Gil wouldn’t commence his search in the bathroom where Mimi is taking a dump or in the closet where the kids are using Raid on all the moths. Nope, it seems only right to look first in the living room.

What could possibly be the cause for our current Missing In Action’s? Soap Opera is one thing but when Darrin Stephens can’t find Samantha and her daughter because her magic would best be suited in Camelot and Samantha didn’t bother to leave a note, I fear we are on a roller coaster ride zipping in myriad directions. I don’t mind scaling the heights on the Wild Mouse ride and seeing the Milford Skyline and negotiating these dangerous turns where you feel like you’re going to fall into the pits of Hell anytime as long as we get back to the starting point. This could start out Gil Thorp and end up Alfred Hitchcock and our hair stand on end even if we return home. My o my.

Is that the Alfred Hitchcock theme song playing while Gil is seeking out Mimi under the ottoman?

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp Denies Involvement With UPS Driver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I just signed for the Kentucky Derby hat from Milford Overstock Warehouse. I don’t even know the man’s first name.”

At the Thorp Household late at night

“FREEZE!!!!!!! THIS IS THE MILFORD POLICE!!!!!! GET YOUR HANDS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Uh, officer, I think you want the house next door. I don’t smoke pot and my husband is out of town getting Family Man of the Year.”

We have more Mysterious Objects, the living room is just crawling with these items. WHAT is on the coffee table? Basic instinct would whisper to me that the item in the middle is a control box for your generic video games. But whoa hoss, I would immerse myself in agreement if it didn’t resemble a basket of white spuds. Having guests over for the evening? Be sure to have those Ore-Ida Super-Sized Tater Tots ready to pass around the room. Or maybe they’re cookies with excessive Betty Crocker Vanilla icing overdaubed on them. Definitely not Oreos unless the kids stripped the Oreos of their covers as part of their slave labor for the evening. White Twinkies? Unless Hostess expanded their product line, I’m kinda doubting it.

Now I think the object on the right is the remote; hard to imagine that being a walkee-talkee that meandered into the living room. And the object on the right is a book. It could be History of Milford during World War II When Rosie the Riveter Went From Sock Hop at The Bucket to Designing Tanks or How To Build a Bird House w/ A Compass and a Straightedge but I’m not here to speculate on the Thorps’ reading material.

Nice to see all of Gil’s Penthouse’s stacked neatly under the coffee table. We wouldn’t want anybody thinking Gil is a slob.

Ooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is and not gonna take anymore and we can empathize. Without further ado

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought the woman flying home with Gil Thorp was his_____________________.”

Speaking of Jim Valvano, he was once getting his hair cut at a barber shop shortly after he became coach at North Carolina State. The barber was naturally curious and asked

“You the new coach?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Hope you do better than the last guy.”

The “last guy” was Norm Sloan who coached the NC State Wolfpack to the 1974 NCAA Men’s Basketball National Championship, doing so by snapping UCLA’s seven-year NCAA Championship streak.

At Milford Diner

“Okay, I have the Whale Burger Medium Rare Platter w/ Chicken Fries and Rhubarb Cobbler and an Iced Tea Unsweetened. BTW, are you the new coach?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Hope your wife doesn’t run out on you.”

Uh oh. The Exploding Eyeball Effect has reared its ugly head in P3 and when it involves salt and pepper shakers holding up the note that could potentially wreck the Thorp household, it’s a melting pot of disaster or general God-knows-what. I mean, Mimi doesn’t stick notes on prescription bottles informing Gil she had to get bread because they were out of Wonder Bread. Gil, I hate to break it to you but I took the tandem bicycle for a ride because the unicycle had a flat tire. I hope you don’t mind. No, I don’t think the note says, Gil, I switched days with the lawn mowing man so he could go to the Huey Lewis & The News concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater. If you could answer the door when he gets there so the kids can see Bozo the Clown at our PTA meeting, I’d appreciate it.

No, I think it’s more serious. Not anything like Mimi running off WITH Huey Lewis & The News but likely of somber concern. We’ll see.

Gang, I saw another ED ad with a simple message: Fix your limpness.

Daggone, I should have gone to True Value Hardware when I was impotent. Might have saved me some trouble.

At Milford Harbor Freight Tools at 10:30PM, Milford Daylight Time

“There. If that doesn’t make me harder, I’m gettin’ my money back on these adjustable crescent wrenches.”

Out of the blue in aisle 18

“Honnnnnneeeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornnnyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time for-Honey, why do you have all those wrenches stuffed down your crotch?”

“Damn, Woman, do you want to broadcast my sexual shortcomings all over the store? Why don’t you just go to the office desk and announce I’m having problems with my wiener and its name isn’t Oscar Mayer!!!!!!”

“Darling, I just want you to come home. You’ve been gone for three hours.”

“I ain’t done yet, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!! I had a real problem with blood flow which was causing problems in my vena cava that subsequently misdirected the fluids flowing through the aorta and out the back in the arteries which occluded the essentials transported through the coronary artery that as a consequence produced significant conductance procedure hazards that induce my Significant Other to lay down like a dead dachsund. But don’t worry, these box end wrenches will have Lassie up and horny before you can say Rin Tin Tin.”

“Honey, take the tools out of your pants and come home wid widdle me where you don’t have to use a hammer to get in bed wid widdle me.”

“No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m here for the long haul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will use the available tools at my disposal including an Allen wrench to induce blood flow and a Phillips screwdriver to uncork the tail end of my Significant Other. I’ll be having more wet dreams tonight once I get all the fittings purchased for the ratchet wrench. SOMETHING will fit and make the wee wee go round. Sex is sexier when you use the right tools.”

“You might as well use a hammer and saw when the toilet is clogged.”

“Woman!!!!!!! I tried the hammer!!!!!! No matter how many times I pounded, I was still having trouble getting erec-“

“Attention, Harbor Freight customers. The store will be closing in 10 minutes. Please begin making your final selections and…”

“I could buy the tools on my Harbor Freight credit card anyway. But I didn’t want to show the cashier the tools already lodged on my crotch so a handyman used one of the ratchet ends to release me of a lot of misery. I still had ED issues and I couldn’t go to Milford Men’s Clinic and order a crowbar. They DID have wonderful treatment plans including medications in the form of chewy granola bars. One bite out of EREC-3409 Choco Delite and I was gettin’ it on with my honey till the late hours of the night. Come get your taste of Paradise today and put the tools away only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE OF THOSE BUSHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE’S A RATCHET WRENCH WHEN YOU NEED ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No worries, I forgot I have this can of Raid on the coffee table. Just shrunk right up. God bless you, Gang.

At Milford Barber Shop

“You the new coach?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Hope you do some coaching unlike the last one we had for 60 years.”

4 Comments »

  1. So Mimi took the kids and went to her mother ‘s house. She’s not the first woman to take the kids and skeedaddle from an asshole husband/father when he’s not home. It looks like most of their shit is still there too, but Gil should look in the closets and dresser drawers just to confirm that they didn’t decide to make their disappearance something that’s long term. I can’t wait to see how this plays out. This story has gotta be better than something like Unlce Gary, blowtop mad Chance Macy, that big bitch Alexa shoving people around in the school halls to improve her basketball defensive skills, or anything PP did.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 4, 2022 @ 2:32 pm

  2. “Oh boy, I got the whole house to myself! Time to fire up the old laptop and check out that new porn site Kaz told me about.”

    Comment by MopMan — August 4, 2022 @ 4:54 pm

  3. 1. “Keri?” “Jami?” If those are the names of his brats, God help us…

    2. I guess I was a week early with my reference to “The Letter That Johnny Walker Read…”

    3. And yes, Gilbertina needs to find a good attorney and clean Gilberto’s ass out…

    4. I suggest Gilberto rescue a dog from the shelter if he’s going to join the ranks of the perpetually single/lonely like myself… It’s better than nothing…

    5. Okay, folks were saying yesterday that the tall blonde was probably some kind of instructor or check pilot, but my question is do check pilots in general aviation accompany their subject on actual round-trips to a different city? And I don’t know, but wasn’t she like way overdressed for the occasion? She looked like she was going to a corporate insurance seminar?

    Comment by Hitorque — August 4, 2022 @ 5:08 pm

  4. Gil thinks “… that’s not good…. She usually has a stiff drink waiting for me but there’s nothing here…”

    Comment by franku2016 — August 4, 2022 @ 7:31 pm


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