This Week in Milford

August 9, 2022

“Marty, I Saw Gil Steal Some Teenager’s Milkshake At The Bucket…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:48 pm

Gil on

Gave his heart to somebody

Sheeeeeeeeee left town

Right away

As long as Bluto is going to run his mouth about all of Gil’s dirty laundry, I might as well insert a little ditty from Paul McCartney’s vintage album, Ram, which contained the hit Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey (“Haaaaannddsss across the water/Heaaadddddds across the sky…”) .

My o my, I agree with many of the TWIMers, the new writer is good as advertised but I think it’s going to take some time to get adjusted to this Wayne Newton version of Gil. I am scratching my noggin and trying to remember when Gil lived on the edge from a moral standpoint when Berrill took up the pen and it falls into the Strawberries in the Arctic Circle category. Not too much strawberry-pickin’ on the Baffin Islands.

I’ve told this before, Rod Serling, the brilliant host of The Twilight Zone and Night Gallery, was constantly battling the networks, particularly on the latter show. The networks wanted more horror, blood, and gore and Serling, while Night Gallery contained a significant portion of all three, still preferred the philosophical angle and who could blame him? It was a winning formula on The Twilight Zone. The issue went by the boards when Serling died on the operating table in 1975 during open heart surgery (He was a chain smoker deluxe) .

But it would be like the networks wanting to boost the ratings and trying to spice up some of the TV shows we grew up on or watch on reruns. And I understand but does anybody really care to watch Fred cheat on Wilma and elope with Mr. Slate’s wife? Yup, after he’s Yabba Dabba Doo’d off that dinosaur, he heads straight towards the Bedrock Bar and flirts with the bartender and drinks doubles on Tyrannosaurus Premium Whiskey. Boy, that’ll keep the boys and girls attention for half an hour. I bet their excitement will hit the roof when Fred gets pulled over for a DUI. That’s right, walk that straight line, Flintstone, if you want to see Pebbles again. Heck, I can smell that Jack on your breath with my squad car windows UP.

And you laugh (I’m assuming) but The Flintstones once had Winston cigarettes as one of their sponsors and therefore somehow got the producers of the show to do commercial shorts of the product. This just flat-out rankled churches and family organizations (PTA, for example) to no end and it was totally understandable. Believe me, comedians make jokes about Fred and Barney lighting up and smoking to their hearts content or the cigarettes per se dangling out of their mouths. Fred lighting Wilma’s cancer stick (my own father ABHORS smoking) with his own Zippo was walking Milford Comedy Caravan material. Yet, there it was like the wandering float that lost its way in the Rose Bowl Parade on the screen before the American public, children included. Winston, especially after Pebbles was introduced in 1963, wisely pulled their ads.

I’ll still be looking in the vaults of the Lost Brady Bunch Episodes. I might find Mr. Brady smoking weed with a few hippies at Max Yasgur’s farm when the Butterfield Blues Band is playing.

And really, when watching The Flintstones, I understand that liberties associated with anything rock-related were taken when naming celebrities who appeared on the show. Stony Curtis. Alvin Brickrock. Ann-Margrock. I have to admit as a kid that I LMAO when Fred’s mother-in-law, Mrs. Slaghoople, had her name uttered BUT as I got older understood it still stayed within character when naming characters.

That said

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil And Mimi To Work Out Differences, Divorce Still Out Of The Question!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I am far from ready from returning to my maiden name, Mimi Slaghoople. I am committed to better opportunities.”

Okay, okay, I will lay off the artwork today. It is quite good and represents what a real studio looks like. The DUFF beer is still a bit dubious but I’ll cut some slack as if that was Homer Simpson being interviewed, DUFF beer in his death grip.

And Frank scores an excellent point, the new writer has won over a bloc of the readers with his believable characters. And I also agree with Frank, sports unfortunately is a “What have you done for me lately?” business. My nephew’s cross country coach was a prime example. He was on a high school team that won the State in Track & Field, then was a member of a college cross country team that won the National Junior College Cross Country Championship. He coached his teams as if he knew none of that mattered to the boys and girls running for him. It was a foot in the door and the kids would listen at first, but then he better know what he was doing if he didn’t want anybody tuning him out. He did and they never did. Several City Championships et al cemented that idea.

That said, this STILL has a Popeye-versus-Bluto profile and you KNOW where this is going to head. When Luke Generic Hispanic Appellation Since We Apparently Haven’t Settled The Issue On What His Spanish Surname Should Be bears a striking resemblance to Popeye’s arch-nemesis (lot of that going around as Chet Ballard showed) , what alternative scenarios could there possibly be? Popeye forgets his spinach back at Milford Greyhound station and thereby gets his ass stomped in the ground? Bluto and Olive Oyl subsequently get married in a shotgun affair in front of the Milford Justice of the Peace???

“Who gives away this beautiful Olive Oyl?”

“Mrs. Slaghoople and I do.”

Bluto then goes on to coach the Milford Mudlark Football team, banning Sloppy Joe Workouts for life. Gil becomes a driver for Nick’s Pizza and keeps his own tips.

I am not holding my breath but I learned in sports “You never know”. Nobody gave the Mets a ghost of a chance in ’69.

Speaking of Bluto, Popeye was a very popular theater cartoon short taken up by Paramount Studios after Popeye’s creator, Elzie Crisler Segar, died in 1938. When King Features took over control of Popeye and adapted him and the cartoon in general for the kiddies in the early ’60’s as a TV cartoon, it changed Bluto’s name to Brutus for fear of a copyright dispute from Paramount. Poor research kept the truth from surfacing, i.e., King Features in reality owned the copyright. Too little, too late, although it really didn’t affect the scheme of things. Bluto, Brutus, Reggie B. Fine, The Moon Dogs, what did we kids care? Popeye was Popeye.

Anyway

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Refuses To Back Down, Will Retain Name After Barroom Incident At Milford Lounge!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I really couldn’t care less what Luke del Toro de la Renta en los Montanas para el Sol del Tiempo says, I am not introducing myself at Milford Kiwania Kickoff Luncheon as Brutus Thorp.”

If ya like not shaving fer sev’ral days cuz ya lak ta look lak Bubba Bluto so as ta intimidate tha landlord ta not jack up tha rent in yore trailer park, ya might be a redneck.

As mentioned before several times, I love Jazz with my life. And I am a MAJOR Charles Mingus fan. So when I saw Luke’s face today, I felt like someone was rubbing the Mingus Dynasty album cover to my face (Mingus had partial Chinese lineage) . This undoubtedly is intensifying the Brutus Hispanic John Doe image that is serving center stage for a showdown between him and Gil the Adulterer.

Now Jive Turkey serves an excellent point as well. While Gil has certainly seen his share of butthole coaches (see Ironwood Ingots manager) and Brutus Butthead del Salvador is no exception, how did Brutus accomplish High School Wrestling State Champion, then get to be Pac-12 MVP in Basketball? Because those are two different animals, Folks. I am not saying it’s impossible but let’s just say it’s extremely daunting. My nephew had a teammate on his cross country team that one year tried to run and play on the high school tennis team. I supported him but felt it a bit much, given the commitments to both. He did great and I cheered him on but after awhile, the writing was on the wall and he dropped tennis to focus on cross country. The consolation prize was that he was allowed to explore, something every kid should be allowed to do, if possible. I saluted his maximizing his Important Years.

But maybe that’s what will make this Wrestlemania more interesting. You were in the Marines, Gil? BFD, I landed on the moon with Neil and Michael and Buzz after I passed my drug test after I won the State Championship in Wrestling in the Heavyweight Division. Your football team won the Playdowns in 2014? Child’s play. I kicked the winning goal for Nicaragua in the World Cup Final and then was the MVP for UCLA when we won the Pac-12 Conference Tournament and then had to catch a red-eye flight out of Milford International to begin my Rhodes Scholar studies in England. I had to bum some money from Luhm for the cab fare but I’ll pay him back after my first reimbursement. This “Anything you can do, I can do better” plotline should hold our attention until football and make up for the lack of a piddly golf story.

“Anything you can do, I can do better.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“Look, I’ve coached for 60 years. Come back in the year 2525 if we’re both still around. You might win the Milford Country Club Golf Championship by then. Just make sure you spell your last name correctly when you turn in your scorecard.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp Resists Latest Advances By Luke El Luchador del Mundo, Tells Him To Get Satisfied With What He Has!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t care if he was the High School Shuffleboard Man of the Year and he won that the same year he swam across the English Channel, Gil did the same across Mudlark Lake and I still claim the sheets with him.”

At Dr. Pearl’s office with Beach Boys’ “Good Timin'” playing from her 1921 Babe Ruth-autographed phonograph machine

“Gil, Luke La Bamba called today and wants to reschedule that Milford Cage Match/Loser Leaves Town at the Milford Gardens to this Friday.”

“Shoot no, that’s my bingo night.”

Bluto, are we honestly seeing the same thing???? Gil UNFAITHFUL to his wife??? The conversation was a bit chummier than normal with Beth the Bartender but I wouldn’t consider that grounds for serious problems with Mimi at home. If they had problems in the past, and I am really digging here, Gil would have taken the high road. No way is he turning this into a time to explore sexual frontiers with Miss Kitty or threatening to shoot up the saloon when the Dalton Gang barge into the joint. If anything, the Dalton Gang is knocking their own chip off their shoulder and daring Gil to shoot at it with his water pistol. If that isn’t grounds for High Noon at Milford Lounge and/or She’s Coaching Single, I’m Drinking Double Cola, I need to be reading more Garfield. Yeah, Odie cheating on the female dogs in the neighborhood, I can’t wait for my paper to get delivered at 1:00AM to get the latest scoop.

This nouveau avant-garde Thorp is getting off on the Path to Glory, ya think?

All righty then, Gene Rayburn has come to bail us out once again in our hour of need. Oh, saints be praised, Gene. The stage is yours

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Luke’s last name was______________________.”

And WHEN did ANY of us EVER see Marty pop out an eyeball over any misfortune or potential misfortune related to Gil???? You talk about the one person who would kick Gil with steel-toed combat boots when he is down and shovel the concrete on Gil’s face should the latter ever go deceased on us.

I mean, for example, if Gil were caught with the secretary in the janitor’s closet at the school (believe me, I never pondered a tryst with Gil and Beth the Bartender under the cafeteria tables after hours until Luke started going graphic on us) , does anyone honestly think Marty Moon would pass up the opportunity to broadcast that as if it were on the same stature of gravity as a civil defense alert???? Why do you think they named the building WDIG in the first place? Because hippies DIG the art deco design in the studio?

And again, Luke is just starting a stink where there is no dog poop to use the pooper scooper with. This is Thorpiverse Theater at its utmost, starting a fire with Raid when the roaches left town. Jimmy Carter was seen frequently with his daughter, Amy, when he was in the White House but that didn’t mean they were having an affair. Ronald Reagan threatened to blow up Milford when he was warming up a mike but safe to say, Milford is nuke-free at this juncture. Bob Knight went fishing a lot with Gene Keady but that didn’t mean he’d be an assistant for Keady next Winter in West Lafayette, Indiana.

But okay, Luke, Coach Thorp and Jimmy Swaggart double-dated a couple of whores and made a night of it at Milford Motel 6. And enjoyed their continental breakfast the next day even if the toast was burnt. That makes sense.

“We’ll be back to see if Luke Luna is telling the truth or violating Scout’s Honor after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

CCCCRRRRRAAAASSSSSHHHHHHH

“That’ll learn ya, Grandma. I’m mad as Hell and not gonna take anymore.”

“That was my 103-year-old grandmother crossing the crosswalk in downtown Milford. She was going to get drapes for the house. And Gil Thorp proved what we suspected for 60 years, that he pulls wings off flies and would run over little old ladies at the warning track to catch a fly ball.”

“Hoo boy, Donald Pinkleypoom III was totally distraught and I had to settle him down with a cup of Hawaiian Punch and a Payday out of the machine to cool his jets. We finally got down to cases and found out that Gil had not been on the clock when he was delivering a Meatball Vegetarian Strom for Nick’s Pizza. He didn’t even offer Grandma Pinkleypoom his tips he earned as a gesture of good will. We had to act fast.”

“Wow!!!!! Mr. Sharkey got a huge settlement with Nick’s Pizza and Milford High School Teacher’s Union since this job wasn’t paying union scale and therefore it was not a closed-shop job. Gil had no more the blessing to do that than to dance with a grizzly in Yellowstone. We settled for $563,284,901 and the union and Nick’s split the bill. The union took it out of their Emergency Strike Fund account. They’ll have to sell beaucoup World’s Finest Chocolate to recoup the losses but that’s their problem. I took the money I received to buy drapes for Grandma plus replace the lazy Susan in the kitchen. The termites were eating more than the Jif Peanut Butter. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Get the money you deserve. Now bear in mind, we have deadlines to file. Don’t be like the Nick’s Pizza driver who lost both arms trying to adhere to the 30 Minutes or Less or It’s FREE guideline, then could not sue Nick’s because he couldn’t convince one of the nurses to fill out the form, let alone forge his signature. Make your claim today to Joe Sharkey & Associates. Simply dial 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”

Gang, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Luke Luna could do many things but he NEVER wrote Goodbye Pork Pie Hat. He doesn’t look THAT much like Mingus.

But God bless you anyway.

Gil on

Spilled his guts to nobody

Theeyyyyyyy left the bar

Right away…

7 Comments »

  1. Barajas has done a good job of coming up with a truly unlikable character for sure. Rubin’s unlikable characters were more like pompous-ass, sneaky, busy-body douche bags, but this guy is just a fuckin’ jack off. He’s faithful to his wife? That’s because he’s lucky to even have a wife. He’s gonna’ coach HS kids? They’re gonna’ hate this prick after one practice. Word will get out about him among the student body, and kids who really want to play ball will transfer to other schools, maybe even Milford, where they know Gil won’t be an insulting, big-mouth, know-it-all. Fuck you, Luke…Pac-12 MVP, my ass. No one cares about what you did, only what you’re gonna do.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 9, 2022 @ 2:01 pm

  2. Typically these big-mouthed, “I’m faithful to my wife” blowhards are the ones with two or three side pieces.

    Comment by MopMan — August 9, 2022 @ 2:06 pm

  3. Yeah Mop…and he was in the bar, without his wife, yukkin’ it up with some other guys before Gil got there and after he left…great husband, my ass

    Comment by franku2016 — August 9, 2022 @ 2:37 pm

  4. How is he wrestling state champ AND a friggin hoops star?! They’re both winter sports. So you either have cauliflower ear or a sweet jumper. This is either more bs from Martinez or Barajas is a clueless jagoff like Rubin.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 9, 2022 @ 3:15 pm

  5. PAC12 MVP is a guaranteed slot in the NBA, They aren’t all Kevin Love & James Harden, but we aren’t talking Lucha Hernnadez.

    2007–08 Kevin Love UCLA PF Freshman
    2008–09 James Harden Arizona State SG Sophomore [2]
    2009–10 Jerome Randle California PG Senior
    2010–11 Derrick Williams Arizona SF/PF Sophomore [1]
    2011–12 Jorge Gutierrez California PG Senior [2]
    2012–13 Allen Crabbe California SG Junior [3]
    2013–14 Nick Johnson Arizona PG/SG Junior [4]
    2014–15 Joe Young Oregon PG Senior [5]
    2015–16 Jakob Pöltl Utah C Sophomore [6]
    2016–17 Dillon Brooks Oregon SF Junior [7]
    2017–18 Deandre Ayton Arizona PF Freshman [3]
    2018–19 Jaylen Nowell Washington SG Sophomore [4]
    2019–20 Payton Pritchard Oregon PG Senior [5]
    2020–21 Evan Mobley USC F Freshman [6]

    Comment by Downpuppy — August 9, 2022 @ 4:49 pm

  6. 1. What, no Olympic medal? Sissy…

    1a. So what’s the most douchebaggy Pac-10 school this mook could have attended? Arizona State? Washington? Stanford?

    2. I was about to like this guy until he started flashing his antique toy trinkets of ancient past glories like he’s Roy Munson (the pride of Ocelot, Iowa), or that drunken dad from “Friday Night Lights” who never passed up a chance to flash his Odessa Permian state championship ring under the nose of his long-suffering son trying to win his approval…

    2a. And I’m only going to say this once, asshole — You don’t get to proclaim “Check the Gold” UNLESS YOU’RE ACTUALLY WEARING REAL GOLD!

    3. Dude, fuck a bartender! The REAL $20 question you should be asking is who the hell was that leggy blonde sex machine that flew home with Gilberto…

    Comment by Hitorque — August 9, 2022 @ 6:38 pm

  7. You covered a lot of ground here, tdrew, and your analysis is spot on.

    Nice Charles Mingus reference, too. Back in April son of teenchy and I had the good fortune to see Wynton Marsalis and the Jazz at Lincoln Center Orchestra perform a tribute concert celebrating the 100th anniversary of Mingus’ birth. You’d have enjoyed it.

    Now that we have a grittier, sharper-edged Gil Thorp, wouldn’t it be interesting if Milford added a jazz club – heck, any kind of live music venue – to the pantheon of watering holes and eateries? It’d certainly give a more urban/urbane feel to the old tank town – a concept I plan on exploring in today’s post, which will be coming directly.

    Comment by teenchy — August 10, 2022 @ 5:13 am


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