This Week in Milford

August 16, 2022

This Plot Would Be Okay On Any Other Day.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:35 pm

There’s a house on my street

It’s riddled with trees

I’m the coach who loafs in it

There’s a bar on the corner

Bartender is sweet

I’ll keep it all platonic

And when my wife skips town

To a crappy beach

I’ll look for a place to sit

My wife has burned the scrambled eggs

The cat just bit my leg

My teenage daughter cops a ‘tude

My fine young son eats ice cream with his ‘ludes

And it would be okay on any other day

I went to the vaults once more and I hope you whippersnappers understand. With this sudden change in direction of the strip, it was only apropos that “Reggatta de Blanc”, the classic from The Police, step up to the mike and address this Soap Opera by the Bay.

We finally learn Mimi’s Christian name, although is anybody really thrilled with how we learn it? Keri emitting her Valley Girl response? Yeah, Emily, don’t leave Gil hanging, I couldn’t stand to microwave another Banquet Chicken Pot Pie and leave it in the oven for him to have some semblance of dinner while you’re reading No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre on a sandy beach next to a bunch of crabs glissading toward’s my brother’s popsicle. Emily, ain’t you got no manners or grammar?

And issues? The only time Emily left Gil in times of yore was when she traveled with the team for a weekend volleyball tournament. If she stayed with her mother, it was only because the tournament was in her mother’s town. Otherwise, Emily stayed in a hotel, single bed, naturally. I realize that everyday issues confronting families help boost the ratings and I’m sure readers will be on the edge of their seats when Emily leaves Gil for the milkman and elopes to her mother’s house and sleeps in the basement and divorces the milkman to go back to Gil because she can’t stand “lactose breath” and they air out their differences before Gil goes out and gets his butt kicked by Bluto and has to stay in Emily’s mother’s basement until the Loser Leaves Milford hoopla blows over.

But many of us read this strip to escape the realities of everyday living. Now Gil and Mimi are one of the plaintiffs on Milford Divorce Court. Instead of Sonny and Cher singing “You Better Sit Down, Kids”, Gil and Mimi are singing this karaoke at Milford Lounge with Beth the Bartender being the DJ. God forbid they share the same front page on the Milford Enquirer with Princess Di and Prince Charles. Gil and Mimi are sharing the same pig sty with the rest of us. Does Marty Moon own a marraige counselor license? Oh my God, no, never mind.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mr. Dr. Pearl Steps Away From Auditions As Back-Up Singer For Upcoming Police Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My Significant Other has several inconsistencies in her personality structure but she has never burned the scrambled eggs in all our centuries of marraige.”

Dr. Pearl listening on her 1929 RCA Walkman to “On Any Other Day” by The Police in her office

“Excuse me, can you direct me to Mr. Thorp’s office?”

“May I ask if you’re a coach?”

“No, an attorney.”

Mopman reminds me of something else I wanted to mention which was Mimi using the terms Mommy and Daddy as if Keri was a member of Wee Pals. Don’t worry, Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat, and Darla, I only called the lawyer to get a variance on the zoning for the built-in pool we wish to build in the backyard. If Daddy and I ever go our separate ways, you’ll be the first to know. We’ll go to Chuck E. Cheese’s to celebrate.

Mimi looks a bit tantalizing in her one piece suit, another example of the plotline getting spiced up a bit lately. But some things haven’t changed as exemplified by the return of The Shadow People embodied by Keri Thorp. She bears a striking resemblance to a svelte Stevie Wonder. Yeah, Keri wants to be a super woman and she may metamorph into Madonna one day. Hey, the seagulls look the part today, not the paper airplanes we used to throw around the room in 3rd grade reading class. Funny, because this Keri-turned-Madonna-wannabe reminds me of the time when Madonna came to Evansville, Indiana when “A League of our Own” was being filmed. Historic Bosse (like “bossy”) Field, one of the oldest baseball stadiums in the country, hosted many of the baseball scenes. Tom Hanks, a very popular actor, confirmed that notion when he would frequent House of Como, a popular Evansville nightspot (on the very southern edge of town before you head to Kentucky) , every night after shooting and hobnob with the rest of the cast and extras, many of them from Evansville, many times treating them to drinks .

Not Madonna.

She called Evansville “Prague” and refused to leave her trailer when the biggies weren’t shooting.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Keri Thorp Refuses To Enter Milford Middle School Spelling Bee, Even If Strongly Favored To Win!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Who cares if I win $100 gift certificate at The Bucket for winning the Milford Spelling Bee because I spelled ‘zebra’ correctly? Prague is Prague.”

Cut off my blow-dried hair

At the smoothie bar

How could I not look and see

Mimi is proud to tell me

Of her trysts with Moon

What does she see in Marty

My wife has ironed the scrambled eggs

The hamster bit my leg

My teenage daughter cops a ‘tude

My fine young son sips Kool-Aid with his ‘ludes

And it would be okay on any other day

I like how this situation is beginning to blossom. The worst at confrontations? Unless Mimi and Gil were in a free-for-all while Gil was disentangling his hair from the Conti Coffee machine at Cafe Cantina, I really can’t recall the last time there was any tinderboxes under the Thorpean roof. Intimate tete-a-tetes on the verandah don’t count. They usually get resolved anyway once the Country Tyme is drunk to the dregs of the tumblers. And it’s really a Catch-22, don’t you think? I mean, you might as well ask where’s Samantha going after she got into a vicious hair-pulling brouhaha with Darrin Stephens. Back to Mother? Excuse me, Endora does not live in the same subdivision. Hello? Endora does not live in Milford Senior Towers on the 15th floor.

So where does Emily Slaghoople, Senior live? In the same Hooverville condo with Tiki and his family? At the North Pole with Santa, doing a part-time job repairing Lego houses and train sets with Herbie and the rest of the elves during August? Oh, I forgot, somebody told me she was living upstairs over Milford Beverage Warehouse. Gets discounts on her rent if she shops for groceries there once a week.

And what could she possibly leave over? If you don’t sign Homer the Referee to a contract for our volleyball matches, I’m going home to Mother. I mean it, get the fuse box in the basketball gym fixed or I’m filing the papers come Monday. What are you going to tell Judge Judy or Judge Wapner at Divorce Court? I’m calling for an Annulment because he wouldn’t let me stage a Sloppy Joe Luau at our Midnight Madness Basketball scrimmage. Just because he said it would put the athletic department over budget…

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp To Be Guest Singer At Upcoming Police Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sting to hand mike to Mimi for ‘The Bed’s Too Big Without You’.”

This is getting too much for me, Elizabeth. I’m comin’ to join you.

Double-images of Mimi in a floppy hat? Where’s her Danielle Steele or Dan Brown novel, that should reverberate well on Keri’s lenses. And the next time I EVER see Jerry Pulver (showing my age, I admit) wearing an earring up his nose, I’m going to calm my nerves with Bucket Crab Juice. This is not the Keri that Gil was teaching how to putt when she was still at Milford Head Start. I could not see her sporting three earings per lobe at the Milford Junior Pro-Am Golf Tournament. Yeah, that girl flashing that 3rd Place Good Sportsmanship Trophy (blurted out “crap” after missing a putt, costing her points) ? The one with more jewelry than a diamond mine in South Africa? That’s Gil’s daughter. Oh, the one with the crinkled crack every time she bends over to crouch to watch her granddaughter tee off? That’s Mrs. Slaghoople.

Oooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to bring sanity to the shape of things. Without further ado, take her away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was ssoooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Keri used a _______________________ to bore a hole through her nose to fit an earring.”

If ya have yore chest hair pierced, the chest hair so thick bald eagles raise their young in it, and ya wear several earrings on it next ta tha Jolly Gil Cross & Skullbones tattoo, ya might be a redneck.

What is it with the seagulls flying around? Oops, I forgot, pigs and seagulls are swooping in after the D word was introduced into the Thorpean vocabulary. To get a better perspective, Ronald Reagan once considered opening up the Grand Canyon to oil exploration. Oh my, preservation organizations like the Sierra Club, Izaak Walton League, Ducks Unlimited, EPA, etc. howled loud and long over that one and rightfully so. Reagan was an excellent President but definitely should have known better. Exxon or Mobil with oil derricks dotting the Grand Canyon was about as out of place as Ken-L Ration in your bowl of Cheerios. It was Hell on the tourism industry. Reagan wisely never broached the subject again.

But as long as we’re bringing up the D word, we might as well call Exxon and have them construct an oil field next to Mimi’s petunias. Both concepts share equal possibilities. Shoot, I forgot, the seagulls are flying around. Maybe Judge Judy will be in next week’s itinerary.

And what is it with Mimi smiling? Like in the movie Hoosiers when Norman Dale chided a player for grinning after a botched play in practice, I really want to tell Mimi that if you can’t tell by all the pigs and seagulls flying around that you may be living solo at an efficiency apartment should the D ever go through, that you deserve to eat your Honey Nut Ken-L Ration when you lose and laugh. Having your snot-nose earring-nose daughter to read the seagulls on the wall and call Gil to avoid calling Joe Sharkey for D advice just shows how much you let slip away. Don’t tell her how to spike when she’s old enough to play on the volleyball team. The horse has left the barn and charged the net, no way can you block it.

I would like to take time out to remember Elvis Aron Presley on the 45th anniversary of his death. He was a class act and took the world by stage with his music. As mentioned before, concerts sold out one hour after they were announced on the radio or TV. Few others can stake that claim. He was your neighbor-next-door kind of person which endeared the fans that much more, a person who could churn out the #1 hits and still keep both feet on the ground. If he could hold an audience with Richard Milhouse Nixon, given Nixon’s fluctuating, volatile, and sometimes cantankerous personality, he must have been doing something right. I salute you, King.

A commercial we don’t THINK is on the horizon. Yet.

At the Thorp Household one evening

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Batman and Robin and The Joker and his gang leave the house. Gil and Mimi are the only ones left on the veranda

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUR MOTHER IS JUST LIKE YOU, YOU FLEA-BITTEN WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT SHE COULD PUT ON THE CHASTITY BELT BEFORE THE DIRT BAG ENTERED THE BEDROOM

YEAH???? WELL, IF YOU HAD NOT PROMISED TO GO TO BED WITH ONE OF THE FEMALE BASKETBALL REFEREES, THE VALLEY CONFERENCE WOULDN’T HAVE NAILED YOU FOR CONFLICT OF INTEREST

“Geez Louise, them are fightin’ words, aren’t they? My clients, Gil and Mimi Thorp were at odds how to split up the estate while enduring divorce. Thank goodness I amassed enough credits in Divorce Law Proceedings at Milford Community College to get me through the headlocks and full nelsons they were applying to each other.”

“I got a settlement for $45,784, 012 after Gil raided the Christmas Fund in the Athletic Department budget to finance the check. They should still have more than enough left over to buy a Christmas tree. I will finance Keri’s and Jami’s college fund plus redo the bathroom. The shower curtain was collecting mold. Thanks, Shark.”

“I was able to get $6,837,129 because Emily Slaghoople, Senior had money stashed away in the pool table she kept in her den from that rich uncle who rode shotgun with Phineas Fogg on that balloon trip and fell somewhere in Thailand and was never found again because he sneezed. I have full visitation rights and I can still fix the bed after the bedposts sagged from Mimi’s frigidity. Beth the Bartender will be more exciting than a Celtic fast break and will bring livelier patterns on the sheets. No more heavy sex under Barney the Dinosaur blankets. Thanks, Shark.”

“It’s always nice to see a happy ending. Both sides walked away happy. Mimi finally got volleyball officials under contract that could count, no more losing close ones because Gil kept hiring number-starved zebras who barely passed their GED’s to do her matches. Gil finally got intimacy, this time under the sheets and not just from having to suck up to another Valley Conference coach because Gil’s team was short-handed, especially at catchers. Beth the Bartender proved to Gil what happened when the toaster had no shorts in its wiring.

But you must file right away. Don’t be like Donna Reed who filed after the deadline because she couldn’t change her hair appointment. Dr. Reed got more than his fair share, even all the National Geographics on the shelves and Donna’s hairdresser mistakenly gave her an afro. Ouch.

Call The Shark today for Joe Sharkey and Associates at 1-FON-THE-JAWS and get the money you deserve. One call, that’s all.”

Don’t even go there, Gang. Just because A Flock Of Seagulls piped in over the intercom at Milford Municipal Mall doesn’t mean that Mimi is going to go call The Shark. Get your mind out of Gil’s hair.

But God bless you anyway.

Looked at the divorce papers

And spilled my tea

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

Luke and Marty are in a

Conspiracy

I’m covered in misery

My wife snarfed all my scrambled eggs

Coach Kaz just bit my leg

My teenage daughter shows a ‘tude

My fine young son eats Chuckles with his ‘ludes

And it would be okay on any other day

And it would be okay on any other day…

16 Comments »

  1. And what’s with the first-name-instead-of-Mom business?

    Comment by psemerson — August 16, 2022 @ 12:46 pm

  2. Emily “Mimi” Thorp has mom bod too. I agree with Hitorque….who is the girl that was on the plane in the stripper/stewardess getup? She sure didn’t have mom bod, and neither does Beth the bartender. Is Gil planning trading up to someone more “worthy of his love”?

    Comment by franku2016 — August 16, 2022 @ 1:19 pm

  3. Wonderful, tdrew, bringing in all the elements. As far as “Emily” is concerned, this is the first time I remember seeing that name. Mimi Clover was Gil’s intended for some time, and when they were finally engaged, in perhaps 1985 or 1990, our local paper published a Berrill drawing of “Miss Clover” on its engagements and marriages page, remarking on her plans to marry a fellow teacher and coach, “who, despite teaching at Milford since 1958, is still only 35.”

    Comment by vaganova — August 16, 2022 @ 1:50 pm

  4. Actually, Emily always was her real first name. It just has probably not been used in the past 27 years. Someone posted this excerpt in the GoComics comments:

    “1985 wedding announcement: Gil Thorp, the comic-strip football, basketball and baseball coach of Milford High, is at last going to the altar after 27 years of forthright, incredibly decent living. The bride is gym teacher Emily (Mimi) Clover, seven years younger than Gil’s perpetual 35. She will walk down the aisle, in newspaper black and white, on Wednesday, July 10.”

    Comment by MopMan — August 16, 2022 @ 2:18 pm

  5. As far as Keri calling Mimi “Emily” instead of “Mom”, I think she’s being bratty/snippy because she doesn’t like how Mimi treats her like a baby. Saying things like, “Mommy and daddy are having issues…”

    Comment by MopMan — August 16, 2022 @ 2:19 pm

  6. Serve him the papers already? Oh, I get it. The little hussy wants to “see” dad or as Keri might say, “Gilbert” on the weekends. Then she can galavant all she wants while Gil drowns himself in self pity and rotgut. Is this a family of turds or what? WOW!!!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 16, 2022 @ 2:43 pm

  7. 1. As per my overlong comments yesterday, it was always my intention (were I not alternating between too busy and too lazy) to organize some kind of “TOP 10” competition of the alltime worst Rubin Era storylines and just to be fair, picking out maybe two or three that didn’t totally suck… Because let’s be real here — I’ve been reading ever since “Coach” Bobby Howry and there have been some absolute doozies that should not go unrecognized for their god-awfulness… Now, on to today:

    2. So Gilbertina’s a bit of a thicc girlie? Me likey…!

    2a. I’ll just come out and say it — I’m 45 years old and I have never, ever, EVER understood that whole New Age freewheelin’ hipster “addressing parents by their first names” thing… It is a totally alien concept in black families…

    2b. …And that goes ESPECIALLY for calling someone by their full/birth name, i.e. Gilbertina = Emily… This is only done in matters of utmost life-and-death seriousness…

    2c. Typical Gilbertina, acting out in passive-aggressive ways and expecting her estranged dear hubby to magically get hit upside the head with a cluebat while she’s sunning herself on the beach maxing out his credit cards at Hotel Erotica in Cabo San Lucas… Well actually, that’s like 97% of the entire female gender…

    2d. “Either that or just serve him the papers already…!” Let me guess — Keri is Gilberto’s step-daughter or something? I mean, I know she’s only half-joking here, but divorce is nothing to be glib and smartassy about since all Keri would know about love and heartbreak is splitting up with that band geek wannabe garage band punk rocker she allowed to get to second base after Junior Prom… Unless of course this is just the latest of a long, ugly string of incidents in their marriage and Gilbertina has been throwing around the d-word before today… Or maybe this is a second/third marriage for both Gilberto/Gilbertina and divorce is old hat to them by now?

    Comment by hitorque — August 16, 2022 @ 3:00 pm

  8. 3. The funny part is Gilberto was probably in a smug self-congratulatory mood when he didn’t succumb to temptation and have a night of sex-a-lympics with that blonde co-pilot girlie while he was accepting his award over in Capital City… Can you imagine what was going through his mind when he came home and found a handwritten note and empty house? He has GOT to be angrily cursing himself right now….

    Comment by hitorque — August 16, 2022 @ 3:08 pm

  9. My thought is that Keri is throwing out the d-word as a way to tell Mimi to actually do something. Mimi has been avoiding the situation. So Keri is saying, “Freaking talk to dad about it or file for divorce! Is that what you want?” That’s how I’m interpreting it. We’ll see.

    Comment by MopMan — August 16, 2022 @ 3:16 pm

  10. 4. I don’t have *that* much of a beef with the “Mommy and daddy are having issues…” line because I’ve seen parents revert to infantilizing even kids in their late teens or early 20s when it comes to discussing things they don’t know anything about… Keri may be a smart teenager, she may even be well smart beyond her years (and she’s at the age where I promise you that she thinks she knows every damned thing anyway), but she has absolutely ZERO fucking idea of what it means to be married to someone and what it means to contemplate ending said marriage…

    Nevermind the fact that Gilbertina would have likely felt protective and held back from telling the kids every dirty little secret behind the marital strife… So Keri may think she knows the whole story, but she doesn’t know shit.

    Comment by hitorque — August 16, 2022 @ 3:26 pm

  11. I guess what Keri means is “… shit or get off the pot already… spare me the bullshit explanations…. “ mom”… is that better?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — August 16, 2022 @ 6:39 pm

  12. I love Banquet Chicken Pot Pies.

    Comment by henrybarajas — August 16, 2022 @ 6:41 pm

  13. We look forward to Gil’s sad bachelor dinners.

    Comment by Downpuppy — August 17, 2022 @ 7:22 am

  14. Good one, Downpuppy. Was that right before Carl from Slingblade came and buried a lawnmower blade in his head?

    Comment by nedryerson — August 17, 2022 @ 8:59 am

  15. I like a Banquet Chicken Pot Pie too, but microwaving one is just plain sad. Usually, when you’re deep in depression, planning 45 minutes to properly prepare one in the oven is too overwhelming a task. If you do attempt it, you might scorch it because you lose track of time throwing back bacheloritas.

    Comment by nedryerson — August 17, 2022 @ 9:09 am

  16. WOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! I am blown away by the responses today. Thank you for your contributions.
    psemerson, Comment of the Day. ‘Nuff said.

    Vaganova, thank you for long-abiding faith in me. You KNOW I love anything you print, especially when it’s on-point(like today). I always look forward to your contributions and I learn from them.

    Henry, thank you for appearing on this site and thank you for the compliment. I think it’s great that you’re man enough to be a good sport and throw your hat in the ring along with the rest of the TWIMers. We’ll probably never behave ourselves(ha) as Teenchy pointed out but I salute you. You da Man.

    Downpuppy, THANK YOU for the video. It was well-timed and added much to the post. Keep ’em coming, My Man.

    Ned, excellent contribution. My dad knows the man who played Morris in Slingblade(Colonel Bruce Hampton, recently passed away). He was bizarre. We visited his home when I was young and he lived in a forested spread outside of Atlanta. His bathroom was in his house but he had no hallway to get to it. You had to go out the front door to get to the back and there was a doorway leading into it. Then when he got his draft notice, keep in mind it’s the height of the Vietnam War, he shows up at the Draft Board wearing a dress. Safe to say, he got rejected on the same section(section 8, I think) that Corporal Klinger was citing frequently in M*A*S*H*.

    All of you mean the world to me. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 18, 2022 @ 7:51 pm


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