This Week in Milford

August 25, 2022

I Believe It’s Too Late To Get Into The SWINNNNNGGGG Of Things.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:19 pm

Don’t say Milford’s an eventful place

It gives us plots we are loath to know

The town insists that we should care

That we ought to pay some mind

Oh, how can we speak of Luke Loser passing by

With a lump in his brain and croc tears in his eyes

Or have we come to the golf course with just a pitching wedge

Or is there still time before football to grasp the swing of things

I bet you whippersnappers will get tired of my saying this but I raided the vaults once again and used A-ha, another one of my favorites, to slay The Gil and The Luke Loser with one stone. “Scoundrel Days” is to die for, IMO, and I utilized one of the album’s tunes to address the mierda del toro that is getting deeper by the panel.

Where is Pedro in the SWWWWIIINNNGGG of things? Our eyes are getting adjusted to two loveable losers (I didn’t say Cubs, Rob-ha) with one being full of croc and the other the same thing but at least she’s attractive and giving Luke Lunkhead something to cover up his lack of brains besides his hat.

Then Pedro walks on the golf course. Granted, he probably knew when tee time was but that was for HIS PARENTS (assuming) . How did Pedro know when Gil and Mimi were SWIINNNNNGGGGGINGGGGGGG? With no clubhouse in view, where was he hiding? In the lake? In the mutant poplars behind the Coke stand selling $15 Pepsi cans? Behind the senior citizen foursome of retired sheet metal workers at Milford Foundry?

Mick Fleetwood, leader of the super band, Fleetwood Mac, was one of Bill Clinton’s favorite groups. “Don’t Stop” was valiantly played the night Clinton was elected President of the United States. Therefore, when the group went on tour of the White House, Clinton gave the group a laissez-faire blessing to do so. The problem was when Mick had to take a major pee break. Because he was nowhere near a bathroom, he finally got clearance (hey, they were Fleetwood Mac) from the Secret Service to urinate on the White House lawn. Discreetly, naturally.

So that’s it. Pedro had to take a dump in the bushes and had to wait for the Secret Service to get clearance before he could get access to toilet paper. Just be sure to wash your hands before you extend the hand of fellowship to Coach Thorp, Pedro.

Then the next question is whether Pedro is talking about competing against Gil when Pedro dons the shoulder pads and knocks heads against his Mudlarks or simply here on the golf course. I’m leaning towards the latter since I didn’t see any shoulder pads nearby, either by the golf bag or where Pedro wandered off to do his patriotic duty. So I will go out on a limb and say that Pedro is Luke Loser’s ace-in-the-hole.

But if he isn’t dragging a golf bag with him, where will he get his clubs? I doubt the concession stand selling $10 Cracker Jack is having a fire sale on drivers and putters at this point. So it almost stands to reason that Pedro is going to use Papa Butthead’s golf equipment.

The bigger question is what in the name of Arnold Palmer is Luke Loser & Family doing at Milford CC? As Mopman mentioned yesterday, I think we all assumed Milford High was the only secondary school game in town. And like Mopman, I wonder then why Luke Loser asserted he ruled the roost in Rockville.

Since it appears that we have never been presented with a clear-cut idea where Valley Tech is located, I am forced to pursue some options. What if VT is in Milford (doubt it) ? Then it would make more sense for Luke Loser to be running his mouth while Luke-ette is running hers all over Gil’s cheek. Plus, the pieces continue to fall in place when Pedro leaps out of the bushes where he’s been engaging in Transcendental Meditation until Papa Loser summoned him after kissing Mimi’s hand. Everything on cue, mind you. If Pedro jumps out right of he azalea exactly when Luke Loser also kisses Gil on the cheek, the prompter wasn’t dong his job.

All right, what if Valley Tech is NOT in Milford? Then what is El Trasero del Burro and El Trasero del Burro Junior doing at Mildord links? Don’t they have golf courses in Valley Tech City? For that matter, don’t they have bars there too? Sure, it makes good theater to see a blowhard flap his jaws at a watering hole IN MILFORD and breast-beating Gil with how big and bad he is. But us Thorpiverse veterans are used to blowhards living IN MILFORD when they travel to Milford Lounge and tell Gil his mother wears army cleats. If the stiff-necked lout does not live IN MILFORD, he didn’t take a Concorde out of Stoke-on-Trent, England and fly across the pond, catch a secondary flight on a Cessna and land in New Thayer, catch another flight on a layover to Oakwood, then hitchhike to the Milford city limits, call an Uber driver to transport him right in front of the Milford Lounge doorstep, tip the Uber driver with several Euros, walk right in and tell Gil that his football team sucks. Oh, that cuts deep.

The point is, usually Flapper Flunky usually doesn’t appear until Gil and his teams reach the sporting venue/reach the Playdowns. In other words, don’t look for the Ironwood Ingots manager to challenge Mimi to a pay-per-hole challenge in a week or ever. His son just as well. Scraggly Face Junior won’t be popping out of the tamale wagon, not at this point anyway.

Really, I’m sure Mick Fleetwood would find a place to pee in Valley Tech City, I’m almost sure of it.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Given Citation Over Latest Incident!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We just wish he would have called 9-1-1 before he urinated on high school grounds.”

I am saddened to announce the recent passing of Coach Pete Carril. What an amazing coach. His Princeton Offense really took the basketball world by storm and bedazzled anybody who watched it. I once took in a game between the Princeton Tigers and the UNLV Runnin’ Rebels and the Tigers put on a clinic. Backdoor cuts, constant cutting and screening, easy lay-ups from exposing the defensive weaknesses, it was a sight to see. Though they eventually lost the game as Jerry Tarkanian was an excellent coach and recruiter and always obtained top talent for UNLV, Princeton started getting respect.

His teams won 13 Ivy League Titles and even if they never made a serious run in the NCAA Tournament, many coaches, among them Bob Knight, admired their modus operandi. SLAM magazine once said about them: “It would be an injustice to call them nerdy overachievers. These guys can play.” I couldn’t agree more.

Rest in peace, Coach Carril. There’s a clinic waiting for you in Heaven.

Mopman, mea culpa, the bar indeed was not in Milford although the golf course appears to be so, given the strong context clues suggesting it. My point is, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Luke Lunkhead at Milford Lounge, further muddying the concept of where the blazes Valley Tech or Valley Tech City is. Like he doesn’t have his own place to call his own for a Jack & Tonic to slurp on? And Teenchy had a point. Valley Tech is on this modular in No Man’s Land, a city/high school without a country. You da Man.

And I’m sure glad Pedro took responsiblity and revealed his age. I can breathe easier knowing that isn’t Carson the Cad in disguise. I know I’d get suspicious if this teenager was betting my Milford Federal Travelers Cheques every hole. Are you sure you’re not Carson Hendry? Because I just want to sign my scorecard, not turn it over to you because I shanked one in the bramble. And why bring Pedro along anyway? Can he SWWWIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG any better than Mimi just did? I’m not doubting he may have game but was it worth having hiding with the squirrels behind that big oak tree to confirm that idea? Slurp some more Jack, Luke Loser, and take your time answering that one. We know booze is more expensive here in Milford than Neptune where Valley Tech city calls home.

If ya got a hunter up yore sleeve tha’s already doused with cam-ee-flazh on his face and has his shotgun stuffed in the dead tree stump ready ta help ya out when duck huntin’ is in season, ya might be a redneck.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared Of Any Wrongdoing At The Milford Luxury Condo Suites And Will Only Pay Court Costs!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cochran kept telling Judge Ito, the bathroom was out of order on the first floor and I had to take a dump behind the shrubbery bad.”

Let us walk through this windbag city

I’ll go on ’til the 9th hole bites me

Oh, sleep, we will snore, I fear

On the bunker somewhere

Oh, but how do we snooze with this creep in our midst

With his son perched between us and Fran ingesting Schlitz

Oh, have we come to the point where Luke’s flipped his grip

Or do we still have time before football to grab the swing of things

If there’s one thing Thorpiverse villains are lousy at and that’s being a gentleman. Try to imagine The Penguin or Mr. Freeze saying the the same thing Luke Lunkhead is saying in P2 and I think you grasp my meaning. It is hilarious watching Egghead take drinks from the same bartender Gil is flirting with and trash talk Gil at Milford Mini-Golf World when Gil is attempting to negotiate through the windmill for eagle and rent a trailer from Milford U-Haul to haul Pedro around Milford with because Pedro evidently hasn’t heard of a bedroom to call his own but to watch Egghead kiss Mimi’s hand and compliment her driving form leaves little room to fight Batman and Robin. It’d be like Gotham City safe for another week because The Riddler was effusive with praise over Gil’s putting. Just leave the shovel by the shed after you’ve shoveled all la mierda del toro off of #10 Dog Leg Left, Luke Loser.

Notice Mimi isn’t having any of that. Whatever, loser. Who wants to have her hand kissed by someone with flies all over him and in his mentality? Plus have his son step out of a black hole to perhaps do the same thing? Well, I think Pedro sprayed himself down with Off! anyway before he shook Gil’s hand. The world is safe for Democracy for another day.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl To Be Re-Elected Principal After Intense Closed-Door School Board Meeting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘Don’t Stop’ by Fleetwood Mac was heard playing from her Lexus as a victory song for her and her constituents.”

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, why is Mr. Hernandez kneeling and kissing Miss Peaches on the butt?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh, here Keri. Here’s a Walkman and Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’. And here’s some AA batteries. Enjoy yourself.”

I swear, Peanut Buster Parfait Head Offbrand in P2 reminds me of the Old Maid game we played as kids. Some of the names stick out in my memory, such as Petunia Pill, Betty Bumps, Wacky Witch, and Art Smart. Add to the list Licking Luke along with his wife Free-Kissing Fran and Pissy Pedro. And if I really want to press my luck, I can play cards and turn one of them over and there’s Dairy Queen Top a/k/a Luke Loser a/k/a The Joker. He looks like he got his color schemes braziered at DQ anyway.

Now I hope I turn up Pissy Pedro so I don’t lose at Old Maid. I’m not about to let my opponent turn the hat trick.

Gene Rayburn is back to run La Mierda del Toro off the golf course. Oh, have at it, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought El Trasero del Burro meant a donkey’s________________.”

I love golf with my life even if I can’t play the game to save my life. But I have been a big booster of my local high school for eons which has won several State Championships in Boys Golf and Girls Golf. So I have been at a golf course at least once (ha) . Therefore, the next time I hear SWWWWIINNNNGGGG when a person is teeing off will be the first time.

Whatever happened to SWWWOOOOOSSSHHHHH or WHHHIIISSSSHHHHHHHH? Heck, for that matter, THWACK or WACK or SPLAT or WAK (the last one an offshoot of Thorpiversean sound effects) ? I’ll even accept Batman sound effects like KAPOW or BANG or ZOWIE. Batman golfs too plus we have a Joker and his wife and kids on the links. It would only be logical. Really, try to imagine Batman beating the poop out of one of The Penguin’s flunkys with a SWIIIIINNNNGGGGGGG. Carlton Fisk willed the ball fair at Fenway with a SWWWWIIIIINNNGGGGGGGG. Babe Ruth in the 1932 World Series called his shot and SSWWWWWWUUUUUUNNNNGGGGGGG one for the ages. Heck, we don’t have to limit this to sports. Chubby Checker SWWWWWUUUNNNGGGGGG doing The Twist. Censors kept the TV shows from displaying Elvis below the Pelvis when he was SWIIINNNNGGGGGGIINNNNGGGGGG to “Jailhouse Rock” or “Don’t Be Cruel”. The possibilities are endless. The SWWWIIINNNGGGGGG’S the limit.

Oh, this is a ball and chain all right. Having to lug around El Trasero del Burro in this plot is like driving a semi pulling a Union Pacific. It might move but what’s the point? Maybe we can SWIIINNNGGGGGGGG him off the storyline. It can happen.

Gang, I love these hotel listings in certain foreign countries where the photos show wonderful accommodations but every third picture is of the bathroom with the toilet proudly protruding. After awhile, Holiday Inn of Mars, we get the point. You have a place to relieve ourselves without having to resort to using a Dixie cup supplied by the hotel. Anyway

“Gil shoots another one in the water. Three in, four out, looks like to me. He golfs like he coaches, no direction and all wet. We’ll take a break here at the Milford Pro-Am Coed Golf Tournament until the ball boy uses his rod and reel to play tug-of-war with the catfish for Gil’s Titleist. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“That Marty Moon sure can cook up some stories, burnt all over and needing salt. You could use a butcher knife on that overdone omelet in half and it’d be the truth, I swear. I still managed to keep my checkbook in my pocket after Luke the Loser was caught with loaded golfballs and was disqualified. The golf official got suspicious when Luke Lunkhead made a long putt with a Callaway Epic Forged 9-Iron.

But people who cheat using whiffleball bats to tee off with are not the only things on my mind. The Bucket is once again undergoing smear tactics to deface the name of Milford Beverage Warehouse and if The Bucket thinks that I, Coach Thorp, is going to sit idly by and let the foam drizzle out of the Pabst Blue Ribbon mugs and get all over the remote, well, all I can say is I like to watch Mary Tyler Moore Show and I have my remote close to the Guideposts rack, thank you very much.

I was there for you, the customer, when representatives of The Bucket were passing out brochures of their eating establishment right under the Wink Martindale statue. I told them to their faces that just because you’re torqued because you didn’t get a variance from the Milford Beverage Commission to sell Falls City at the Drive-In Annex doesn’t give you the right to start acting like the Moonies and passing out flowers and lies. Onward Christian Soldiers was my mantra that day and you would have been proud to know they backed down after my crusade. Threatening to whop somebody with a can of Michelob certainly enforced the rules.

I read one of their brochures that they had the audacity to stuff up Wink’s Trasero. The nerve of them to show the dining area and then 10 pictures of the restrooms. Mr. CEO of The Bucket, we know you’re trying to engineer a positive spin on your place, even if your attempts at a liquor license got shot down like a B-52 that ran out of fuel, but is it really necessary to show men humping the urinals in one picture and kiddies devouring a Bucket Child’s Cheeseburger the next? That’ll impress the Beverage Commission at the next hearing?

Milford Beverage Warehouse has a better idea. How ’bout Old Forester Premium Whiskey at a steal for $28.99? And you don’t have to have your picture of you sitting on the john to swipe your Visa for such a bargain. Come on, Bucket officials, try to buy Chee-tos without using the handblower in the bathroom, I dare you. I double-dare you.

Ladies, you don’t need to freshen up in The Warehouse rest rooms, provided of course as a convenience for our customers, not as a PR move for a AAA Road Atlas, to savor great booze. That’s right, you can march right in, yank that Bud Lite 24-Pak off the shelves and after you’ve paid a paltry $19.99, you will also get free transport of your liquor all the way to your car. I bet The Bucket wouldn’t stick a toothpick in the glove box.

And do you want to know what the latrines smell like over at The Bucket or do you want to forge ahead and grab that Ketel One Vodka for $29.99 before the sliding doors close for good at The Warehouse? Folks, that’s a no-brainer. Between stepping on cow manure and buying great vodka and Milford Vending Beer Nuts Reduced Sodium, I’ll go with a winner anytime. I don’t need to scrape off my shoes buying beer nuts.

Hey, that goes for Zach Brown Cab wine at $12.99. I wouldn’t put it past The Bucket CEO to be shown sitting in the reading room sipping a Zach Cab Red and perusing a National Geographic with a security camera on him. Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.

But if you literally want to get off the pot and leave la mierda at The Bucket bathroom stalls, you KNOW where to go for REAL booze without la mierda del toro. Come get The Good Life at a fraction of the cost with no writs from Milford Beverage Commission and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, get in the SWWWWWIIINNNGGGG of it. You’ve been slipping lately. I don’t feel like lugging around another Trasero del Burro.

But God bless you anyway.

What have we done, what lies we were told

Plot’s played games with pinheads with shoes without soles

Oh, must we come to the point where we’re losing our grip

Or will football lead us into the swing of things

“YOU CARA DEL BURRO!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, please, not in front of the kids.”

8 Comments »

  1. Wow! Hairy-back boy can sure dish out the back-handed compliments! The question is, will Gil let him belittle his wife with a sexist comment during her follow-through, or will Gil do something worthy of her love, like for example, tell him that the ‘….1950’s called and they approve of your use of the term “ball and chain” to describe one’s spouse….’. And Ladies first? Because Mimi was some sort of college golfer, is she playing the blues while Gil & Luke play the whites and Sofia Vergara plays the golds? And what’s Pedro doin’? Is he the caddy? Unlike Rubin, the new writer won’t keep us wondering for long. I do appreciate how he’s been moving the stories forward rather than at a stagnant pace like the previous writer did.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 25, 2022 @ 12:36 pm

  2. 1. Okay, the gang’s all here… Let’s get some degenerate gambling on already!!!

    2. Uh… In this rebooted strip is Gilbertina not an elite former athlete and a coach of multiple sports? Because all we’ve seen of her so far is “neglected housewife…”

    Comment by hitorque — August 25, 2022 @ 2:51 pm

  3. As far as the bar incident, that was not in Milford. That was at the awards banquet that was far enough from Milford that Gil flew his plane there and back.

    Comment by MopMan — August 25, 2022 @ 3:29 pm

  4. How the hell they just happened to be on the first tee by themselves– and ran into the other couple– plus one– so are they playing a five-some? Riding or walking?? No starter? No tee time? No riding carts? How do the other couple come out of nowhere like that?
    The ghosts of old bad strips past are alive and well. Lots of nonsense here.

    Comment by robmize2013 — August 25, 2022 @ 5:21 pm

  5. I’m just impressed Barajas remembered that Mimi was a very good golfer (I think she played in college). The summer 2001 story where she dominates the Milford CC tournament while Gil and Marty DeJong’s chain-smoking dad Rien take the win in the men’s tournament after Gil’s prickly neighbor chokes in the final round was a great piece of work.

    Comment by billytheskink — August 26, 2022 @ 8:22 am

  6. Yeah, Henry got the rundown of the history of the characters before he started. Mimi’s golfing and Gil’s piloting for example. And he’s still picking up things from the snarkers.

    Comment by MopMan — August 26, 2022 @ 9:37 am

  7. I think that Wigham showed Gil & Emily riding in a golf cart back on Monday. Not sure about Mr. personality though. And even though is called a “country club”, because this is Milford, it’s really probably just a municipal course that any chucklehead can go play for $18.00 which includes the cart. ($9.00 if you want to walk it.)

    Comment by franku2016 — August 26, 2022 @ 12:04 pm

  8. MORE GREAT STUFF, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!

    I loved your commentary. I just kick back and learn. I am nothing without your input. It is manna to my soul, trust me.
    Comment of the Day as to go to Rob. He just about covered the essence of this Keystone Kops scene and how could I say otherwise. Bravo, Rob, My Man.
    Mopman, you keep people on their toes and that just sharpens my wits. People, check out his blog because I think his humor is first-rate and it’s a lot of fun in general.
    Henry, thank you for the vote of confidence the other day. I try to stay close to form with Spanish and learn something new every day. And again, I commend you for being man enough to be a good sport.

    God bless you all. I post with you all in mind because you make America run. Keep Democracy alive, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 26, 2022 @ 12:47 pm


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