This Week in Milford

September 15, 2022

Whoa, Hoss.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:33 am

Gang, I will get this out of the way now so I can move on. Being a Christian, I am obviously against abortions. That said, I have always tried to be discreet talking about my religion or my favorite sports teams because I didn’t want to taint the things that I post. I have tried to stay as neutral as possible. Plus, nobody likes to be preached at any more than my getting puffy at people whenever my team wins and that I will never do.

I could not in good Christian conscience move on without briefly addressing the present plot. We make fun of Gil (Heck, we just want to mock him) but give credit to Berrill and lately Barajas for not shying away from controversy. When Berrill ruled, issues such as teen pregnancy, teen alcoholism, and people getting sent to the loony bin all surfaced at one time or another.

The present situation is no exception. We got a lot on the plate but, oh well, we’re big boys and girls. First off, Ladies and Gentlemen, please keep it in your pocket until marriage. Otherwise, my feelings are please consider adoption if anyone is caught in Melissa Gordon’s situation. Don’t start raising kids until you’re through being one yourself. Also, please do not harass people walking inside the abortion clinic. I may not approve of the procedure but I will not throw stones. As Jesus told the Woman at the Well “I’ve got a better way.” My feelings here.

Your comments and input are welcome, as they always are, but I would ask not to drag this out for six months. I’m just communicating my thoughts but intend to get back to the business of comedy. While I feel strongly about this issue, the readers deserve my very best, especially in terms of comedy, and that’s what I intend to give today and for however long the readership will keep supporting me. I am nothing without the readers. Point blank. I hope you understand.

I think it’s funny how we’re recycling an idea and trying to run with it for a while. But how long is “a while”? Though I am sympathetic to Melissa’s plight, is this a rerun that will keep spinning into the maze before Gil or The Minotaur pop out of a room? I think I recall The Minotaur making himself known on odd days on the calendar.

I just can’t imagine Schroeder approaching Charlie Brown and informing him that Linus has herpes and releasing this datum just before Christmas. This will be the rerun of A Charlie Brown Christmas for years to come? And Snoopy has fleas but don’t worry, Charlie Brown, the snow will kill them. And right before Milford Basketball Holiday Tournament, o boy.

And who ya gonna call when the ghosts are running rampant in your basement, kitchen, garage, bathroom closet, attic, boiler room, guest room, spare bedroom, wine cellar, in general, where Professor Plum slew the victim with a Knapp butter knife in the conservatory. Ghostbusters? In Milford?

Us Thorp veterans know there’s only one place to go when your toilet’s clogged or your daughter made a mistake. Gil’s office or Gil’s living room, depending on whether the kids are at day care. So P1 is just another day at the office for a man little-qualified to speak on the subject but when the Ghostbusters are in New Thayer zapping the demons off the Girls Softball diamond, Gilbusters it is.

I was befuddled by this message on an air pump at a rural gas station “Please help feed my family”. Just remember, the next time you are at Milford 7-11 airring up your flat tire, you are doing your part to keep a starving family from having to resort to Milford Soup Kitchen. By gum, if that isn’t America, what is? With that in mind

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Billionaire Philanthropist Ebenezer Punchkey To Donate Undisclosed Amount To Milford High School Athletic Fund!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“Says at Milford Quarterback Club Kickoff Luncheon that he couldn’t have reached a higher tax bracket without the support of those using his air pumps at the different Milford Circle K locations. Says the quarters deposited in the slots funded his son’s room and board at Yale.”

Come to Knapp’s Convenience Store on Illinois 242, just south of Wayne City, Illinois. I was VERY impressed with how I was treated as a customer and they had customers going in and out all day long. Gang, I’d say they’re pretty darn busy and deserve to be. With great gasoline at great prices, even with inflation hitting our pocketbooks, this store knows how to run a business and it shows in many different ways. Did I tell you about their goodies? WOW. Get ya some, there’s plenty, from chips and sandwiches to cokes and coffee, plus plenty of candy bars for you sweet tooths out there. Take I-64 in Illinois, exit off Exit 100, go north a few hundred feet, and the Knapp’s Shell station is on your left. Baby, you can’t miss it unless you’re legally blind. Support this business, Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, they deserve your patronage.

Support Small Business. Everybody needs to go where everybody knows your name.

As long as we’re being subjected to flashbacks, a little accuracy is in order. Kyle Gordon looks like Tobias Gordon, not the Flattop criminal with his trademark steamrolled hair, a rogue BTW that Dick Tracy used to pursue all over Milford. Kyle Gordon looked like Don Everly in the 2003 arc as I was rummaging through the panels. I thought that WAS Tobias until I saw the tapered edges indicating we are indeed turning back the clock. And Gil was dressed like a minister, not like the MTV shirt he is wearing in P1 that he evidently dragged out of the dresser drawer 19 years later to wear at The Bucket for the lunch date with Melissa. As long as we have to deal with Linus and his indiscriminate sexual practices resulting in herpes, let’s not have him dressed like Snoopy or Lucy. Accuracy is a plus at this juncture.
Oh, Gil, you look sexy in that priestly garb. Why don’t we elope and start a family?

Uhhhhhhh, no.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Air Pump Industries Takes A Moderate Dip On The Dow Jones This Quarter!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Stocks analysts point to better tire quality and fewer trips to Mudlark Lake Resort.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office, with “Don’t Misunderstand Me” by The Rossington Collins Band being performed by Dr. Pearl on her 1914 Jew’s harp

“Dr. Pearl, I just came in to inform you that True Standish is building a Tudor-style mansion after his air hose-vacuum stand at Milford Kwik-Pik took off. They can’t take enough quarters.”

“That’s grand!!! I always told Mr. Standish in my office to make something of your diploma when football has ended.”

That’s what makes it difficult to take this controversy so seriously, watching Melissa in P2 in her That Girl mode. Okay, so I got careless with Donald Hollinger on my way to an audition at Milford Playhouse. But sheesh, have you been wearing that same MTV shirt for 19 years? You need to worry about your own body before you worry about mine. At least I didn’t wear the same dress for 19 years when I left Brewster, New York, for Broadway. I’ll shop for my own bargains, thank you.

Oh, this has possibilities. Oliver Wendell Douglas doesn’t want to coach anymore so he buys Green Acres right on the Milford Township line and drags Lisa “I faked my Hungarian accent to satisfy Thorpiverse” Douglas along for the venture. Lisa will no longer shop at Times Square in Milford but will have to shop the nearest Wal-Mart in the Valley Conference. Oh, and take Tobias with her. Somebody needs to rake the hay on the cart. You think Gil Wendell Douglas was going to do it? He just bought Green Acres for the stature. It doesn’t mean he was going to drive the plow or send the animals to market. His players did the actual coaching, why not the actual farming?

Seen on the back of the Milford Enquirer

“Do you want to start your own business?

Milford Oil Conglomerates are seeking potential clients to service the air pumps, vacuum cleaners, and buffer machines at all its service station outlets.

Qualified candidates will possess at least a Bachelor’s Degree in Finance, Economics, International Trade, or Business Administration, with preferences given to Masters of Business Administration, particularly from Milford Community College School of Business Science & Industry Management. Classes in Algebra and Plane Geometry helpful and may decide the ideal candidate at the interview.

Must be friendly and personable with experience in management. Must be willing to deal with drive-offs. Must have what it takes to either discharge an employee who fails to live up to company standards or legally confront and issue summons to individuals defacing or impeding the normal operations of the equipment. Retaining an excellent attorney a must.

We offer free medical/dental coverage including free eyeglasses to first 250 applicants, travel expenses per diem/per mile, not including company car, 401(k), Short Term and Long Term Disability, free parking, 10% discount at all Milford Oil Conglomerates locations, plenty of opportunities for advancement in a growing industry.

If you feel you don’t harbor these qualities for a successful career at Milford Oil Conglomerates, let’s not waste each other’s time. Otherwise, call 1-800-PUMP-$$$ to set up an appointment for a career that will lift you to the stars, not to mention out of the convenience store parking lot.”

At the Pearl stately manor one afternoon

“Honey Bunches, Lily Sop, Moptop Mayflower full of Marigold Bliss, what is going out front? Why is Oliver Wendell Thorp riding on a tractor?”

“Oh, I needed somebody cheaper to beautify my lawn. He and Lisa Mimi Thorp will be pulling the weeds in the flowerbed later. I won’t be compelled to drive to the ATM anymore to pay my laborers.”

Why was it not surprising that Controversy of the Week involved an exploding eyeball? Darn, we were going to snap a losing string but it took digging into the vaults to keep the eyes popping out of socket alive and well. Mel might as well be spitting in Coach’s face the way she keeps shooting that eyeball the same way she’d be firing off a six-shooter.

And why is Coach Thorp smiling? Whoa hoss indeed. Oh, I was just laughing at the way Kyle’s Everly Brothers hairdo metamorphed into your future son’s hair. Sometimes going through the time tunnel can induce some glitches. Thank God Kyle didn’t wind up with a Ringo coif. It might have made matters worse. I couldn’t imagine Tobias walking around with a Conway Twitty hairline. What would anybody at the Grand Ole Opry say?

So THAT’S why Coach Thorp was smiling. Kyle Gordon was making a laughable effort to wear hair like Porter Waggoner. Man, put a Breeze towel over your head, Kyle.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Purchase Air Pump Franchise At Three Milford Circle K’s!!!!!!!!!!!! Sees Potential Upswing During The Recession!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“People needing to inflate that flat tire to get to work, we’ll take America by storm.”

Let me first off say that P3 is said to be a typo that Henry Barajas wanted to clear up which makes sense, given what I read in the original storyline involving Gil, Mel, and Kyle Gordon. Gil never told Melissa to have an abortion, in fact, was doing everything to prevent one, including having her stay at the Thorps to accentuate their concern.

That out of the way, I thought it was funny when Melissa did get situated at the Thorps that later on, she tried to come onto Gil because she had a crush on him. Having been a teacher in a private school, I can say from experience that it happens, TRUST ME. This one girl was so hot and heavy for me, she one day tried to kiss me in the hallway. Anybody who teaches knows that’s the kids of death in the profession. My butt would’ve been shown the door, fired in disgrace. I ALWAYS kept my distance with the kids. You have to. I can honestly say I prided myself on staying on the pedestal because that’s where kids and parents want you. You are a model of authority whether you want to be or not. Face it, I felt uncomfortable rolling in the mud with the masses. Understandably so.

And fortunately Mimi caught on and basically said if I catch you making a move on my husband again, you’ll be sleeping at Milford Shelter House. I looked on the bright side on that one. It could’ve been Corinavirus trying to shove Mimi out of the way for Gil’s hand. At least it was an athlete so sports still remains the topic albeit at a stepchild status.
Look on the bright side. If Gil ever dumps Mimi for Corinna Karenna, they can always hire Nick’s Pizza and Jay’s Subs for the catering at the reception.

“We’ll be back to see if Tobias ever found his mom’s eyeball under the coffee table at the Thorp household after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I have always had dreams of being a mother but at 878 pounds, this was not in the cards for me. Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl, granddaughter of Dr. Pearl, and when I was considered breeding stock for the walruses at Milford Petting Zoo, I knew my life had to change.
Thank Heavens the medical team at Milford Liposuction Academy were at the ready to deal with my obesity. They had the knowledge and common sense and the medical equipment to distinguish between when I was pregnant and when I was grossly overweight due to an excess distribution of cheeseburgers.
I had to answer a few questions and I must confess that it was challenging to respond to ‘How long since the last time you opened a bag of Birdseye Frozen Peas?’ I was tempted to answer ‘At the time of Seward’s Folly’ but knew it was sooner than that. I was given a Good Job button for trying.

After I pee’d the equivalent of the South Platte River into a Dixie cup, I was led into a room where they performed a CAT-scan, an MRI, an EKG, a Rorschach Test, Pap smear, 1,563,906 X-rays, some blood tests to check for sickle-cell anemia and whooping cough, colonoscopy, and even checked my pulse. I was Timex and my bed took a licking but I still kept on ticking. They also took my temperature. Important so that you’re not afflicted with fever when you’re attempting to drain the lard off your Gluteus Maximus. I took two Flintstones Chewables and was promptly put to sleep.
My doctor had learned a new procedure where I was injected with a tube that enabled these laser wires to penetrate my abdomen and melt the blubber afflicting my large intestine, small intestine, duodenum, coccyx, parietal gland, sweat gland, spleen, appendix, liver, aorta, bicuspid valve, mitral valve, lower ventricle, carotid artery, coronary artery, medulla oblongata, cerebrum, cerebellum, frontal lobe, temporal lobe, cochlea, retinae, Eustachian tube, optic nerve, vitreous humor, Fallopian tube, tympanic membrane, plus some missed spots in my ulna bone. The laser technology didn’t overlook any details in the Star Wars waged in my person. I could snore in peace.
They also checked for cancer as obesity is sure to be aid and abet this ravaging disease. The technology from the Cancer Divesting Roentgen monitor gave me assurance that those carcinogens weren’t going to engineer unwarranted activity once my weight was subdued and I could put on a jacket without having to borrow the tarp from some Minor League stadium. This mechanism has been board-certified by Milford Oncology Institute and the Milford Chiropractic Alliance so again, I was in La La Land self-assured the Boogie Man wasn’t coming out of the cotton candy machine.
When I awoke, I felt thinner and I was down to 185 pounds. I could actually bend over, doing it privately in case any medical staffer had any ideas of violating their professional ethics. I could slam dunk a Nerfball once again. I could then begin to think about having children. Just think, my kids wouldn’t turn me in to the circus, claiming one of the people elephants escaped again. Life was grand.

But you need not take me at face value. Come to Milford Liposuction Academy and exorcise your own blubber demons and experience the wonders of being light as a feather. As for I, my 2.3 children are waiting on the horizon, just as soon as I make that last payment to the loan officer on my last car. Life will be Cheeseburgers in Paradise indeed.”

Thank you again for understanding. I have found that getting things out in the open is the key to dialogue. Richard Nixon once said that when negotiating SALT settlements with the Soviet Union, if all you talk about is the weather, nothing will get settled. I agree.

God bless you, Gang.

“There she goes again

Walking down the street, My Friend…”

“Mommy, why is that fat lady dancing The Charleston? And what is Velvet Underground?”

“Oh look, Keri, the circus came to town. Use my season pass.”


5 Comments »

  1. Not quite sure where you’re going, TDrew, but if it’s Enough with the BackStory, Get the Fall Story rolling, I’m there. One or 2 admissions that St Gil has made mistakes are kind of welcome. Digging up bones every day is, well, I get enough doomscrolling outside the comics.

    Comment by Downpuppy — September 15, 2022 @ 11:55 am

  2. Yesterday, she sez “…you were so good to me…” and today, it comes up that Gil suggested an abortion. She remembers that as “..good to me…”? Sounds to me like Gil offered some piss-poor help to a scared kid who had already been rejected by her parents and the parents of the kid who “placed the order”. Rather than offering to help her by finding an adoption agency or a family willing to take in another child, coach Gil blurts out that she should abort the baby. What a dick. I would hate to see what she thinks “so not good to me” is. My wife put a baby up for adoption when she was 17 (before I knew her) and she recently reconnected with her now grown son. While she wishes that she hadn’t given her baby up back then, hindsight is always 20/20, and hers and the baby’s life at that point would have been difficult but an abortion was never an option. She would have lived under a railroad bridge with her baby before she ever would have had an abortion. She is now glad that he turned out good and has brought her back into his life. Get an abortion, my ass, Gil…..

    Comment by franku2016 — September 15, 2022 @ 12:08 pm

  3. @franku2016

    According to someone at the Comics Curmudgeon who follows Barajas on social media, he has claimed that Gil’s line in today’s strip is a typo and that Gil is supposed to be apologizing for telling Melissa to NOT get an abortion (which is, of course, still an appalling thing to say given the current circumstances… but Barajas’ Gil, thus far, seems to have shoving his foot in his mouth as a primary character trait). This would make more sense as it aligns both with what Gil actually did do in the 2003 Jerry B. Jenkins-penned story arc (he and Mimi ultimately took Melissa in for a time as her parents had kicked her out of the house) and with the opinion on the subject I would assume Barajas holds.

    Jenkins’ moralizing could be heavy-handed (even when I agreed with it) and his dialogue wooden, but he had a great sense of pacing and of how to weave non-sports stories into the sports season (or seasons, in some cases). He, like Berrill before him, never forgot that the performance of the Mudlark teams, whether they were good or bad, was a story itself and big part of why people came to be fans of the strip. Rubin struggled to match the pacing that Berrill and Jenkins employed and, much to my dismay, wound up shoving the sports season to the background most of the time. I’ll reserve judgement on Barajas until I see how he handles the sports seasons this year, but I will say I’m getting impatient waiting for the football season to begin. He’s been setting the table for two months now…

    Comment by billytheskink — September 15, 2022 @ 1:41 pm

  4. Wait a minute… WHO the hell is ‘Mel’? Is she an ex-wife?

    Comment by Hitorque — September 15, 2022 @ 5:19 pm

  5. @billytheski, they’re right–Gil never suggested that she get an abortion–in fact the whole storyline was based on her not getting one despite some pressure. I was pretty shocked when I saw today’s strip saying the opposite. I’m on the other team then tdrewhardin as far as abortion goes but really appreciated how the strip handled that arc. I’m really interested in it’s work this year regarding genders.

    Comment by ChrisB — September 16, 2022 @ 8:59 am


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