“…And Don’t Forget To Snap A Group Photo Of The Other Team While You’re At It.”

WHAT TEAM ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET DOES A GROUP SHOOT AFTER A GAME????

When I coached in a private school, we always reserved a time to have the whole basketball (or soccer) team and coaching staff pose and smile in front of the camera. Well and good, there is a time and place for everything. When we were getting our butts kicked in an enemy gym, if I told the team we were going to pose for the yearbook after the game, I would have been drummed out of the gym. Even when we won, no sweaty, smelly player with blood and grime and sweat all over him and his uniform was crazy about creating memories via a Canon or a Polaroid Instamatic.

Okay, okay, I’ll make room for when you win a championship. When my high school won the Sectional during my sophomore year in a thrilling fashion (dethroned the previous four-time Sectional winner) and later won the Regional (NOTHING like Hoosier Hysteria, trust me. The movie was right) , the team was so thrilled with winning that they were overjoyed to pose in front of a camera that has rung memories several decades later. But shoot, the Indiana Communist Party could have done a few shoots and sent it to Moscow (not Idaho, Thorpiverse) to spread propaganda that the Yankee Imperialists were exploiting their basketball team and made them harvest potatoes with a rake, and the team wouldn’t have cared. Ditto if the Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union was around with a Nikon. You see, that’s what happens when they abstain from alcohol. New Thayer lost because their coach allowed the team to raid Gil’s wine cellar.
The point is, the team will pose in front of anybody if they have grabbed the brass ring and are able to stick it in the trophy case Monday morning. Otherwise, what is the purpose of doing a group photo after beating Palooka High?

What’s going to be next? There will be a fire drill procedure immediately after today’s victory with Hicktown High. We could have executed it at more convenient times but because we’re Milford and we’re the 800-pound gorilla, we can sit anywhere we want in the gym when everybody else is rolled up in a ball out on the soccer practice field and the volleyball team is huddled around the pitch.
And after the victory Thursday over Chumpville Academy, we will dismantle the volleyball nets and Milford PTA will stage a flea market. Be sure to bring all those items you don’t need or have wasting away in the living room closet and no human would touch with a Spalding volleyball so that the sale will be a success. We’re still making payments on the air-conditioning we installed last year.

It is ludicrous to assume people had Polaroids stuffed in their gym bags before today’s match. Nike gym shoes? Check. Deodorant after a shower? Check. Towel? Check. Spare sweats? Check. Game ball? Check. Kodak? Check.
Thus begins another Fall season.

Gang, this is absolutely rip-roaring. Some strip club dancers in some major town is wanting to unionize its labor. I mean, what do you tell your teenage daughter? Honey, I know that The Bucket is full on car hops and McDonald’s is on a hiring freeze. But hey, I heard Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club is taking applications. And they’re an Equal Opportunity Employer. You can use Mimi’s name as a reference.

While you’re catching your breath

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club Strippers In Rudimentary Negotiations With Milford Amalgamated Local 819 Representatives!!!!!!! Will Resume Talks At Coffee Cantina Conference Room Later In The Week!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Amalgamated 819 rep: ‘Everything is tentative at this point. We have advised our comrades to continue clocking in while we listen to the demands to present to management. Everything in good time.’”

And who the heck jumps up and down for joy to do a group photo session? They aren’t overjoyed that they won????

Ho hum, we kicked Loserville Learning Center’s (home of the Schmucks) butt in the ground but OH BOY WE’RE GOING TO ALL SIT AND STAND TOGETHER TO PRODUCE SOMETHING FOR THE YEARBOOK AREN’T YOU THRILLED MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THIS IN 20 YEARS I HOPE MY HAIR STAYS PUT I WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL MY GRANDKIDS IF I HAD HAIR LIKE PHYLLIS DILLER ANYBODY HAVE ANY SPARE VO5 I’LL SETTLE FOR VIDAL SASSOON DRY HOLD C’MON LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH I’M HUNGRY AND THE BUCKET IS RUNNING A SPECIAL ON TATER TOTS AND LO CAL BANANA SPLITS DANG I HAVE NO MONEY DO YOU THINK MELISSA CAN SPARE A FIFTY????

The girl with the Rubik’s Cube hand has obviously never posed before. First time at the rodeo, I’m sure.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Officials At Milford Amalgamated Local 819 To Set Up Election Site For Determining Negotiating Team!!!!!!!!! Strippers Rep Optimistic For Future Bargaining In Good Faith!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club made record profits last year. We are confident they can afford pension plans.”

If ya is organizin’ cuz ya think ya make a lot fer the strip joint flashin’ them boobs that could pass fer gourds holdin’ about 28 gallons of water and shakin’ that 874-pound body in front of them horny patrons and ya got yore union card at the Milford Labor Temple just this past week, ya might be a redneck.

ARE YOU SERIOUS, THORPIVERSE????

I have mentioned this before, one of my favorite all-time movies was a foreign film, Europa, Europa (German for Europe, Europe) . It was a true story about a Jewish family who lived in Poland and were harassed by the Nazis and were eventually driven from their home. Solomon Perel was a son in the family and was on the run throughout the movie because of the war. His fluency in German and Russian enabled him to escape to safety many times and in fact, in one scene, he poses with these Germans who captured a Russian contingent and thereby compel a captured Russian commander to pose with them.
The photographer says it all: “Laechele!!!!!! (Smile!!!!!!!)!!! “

Lord, I hope Solly isn’t with that Russian commander in this photo but I’m not betting Gil’s ranch. As long as the plot is once again veering off in myriad direction, why not throw one more plot idea to the mix and try to develop them all before Christmas and end up maybe developing one or two but the others got stuffed back in the World Book Encyclopedia volumes for a later date, maybe when the planets align again?

Shoot, Gil is running from the Commies and needs to hide so his fluency in Swahili, Spanish, Serbo-Croat, German, Ukrainian, Tagalog, Urdu, Pig Latin, Vatican City Latin, French, Abyssinian, Chaldean, enables him to travel the globe and eventually set up temporary status in Milford as a volleyball coach. He proudly poses with the team and the captured arrogant Pakistani rebel leader and Democracy is restored for another week. Too bad anybody who spoke Urdu couldn’t spike.

Mimi reunited with her mom who dies a week later and they throw her ashes in Mudlark Lake after the funeral. Gotta bring closure to this one.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Thorp As Union Chief Of Milford Teacher’s Association To Endorse Organizing Activities For Strippers!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We believe the Go-Go Club will address areas of concern including fixing the leaky roof, with union roofers no less.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one fine afternoon with Dr. Pearl air-guitarring “So Caught Up In You” by .38 Special

BRRRRRIINNNGGGGG

“Hello? No, I don’t believe she’s in. Yes, of course. Milford Amalgamated 819? Very well, I will relay that you need that photo of the Go-Go Club owner with Melissa Gordon. Yes, I’m sure it’s evidence at the bargaining table. Good-bye.”

And I could swallow this farce if the girls weren’t flashing their chicken claws, in front of a camera of all things. You talk about freak hands. If they are trying to display their Mudlark solidarity by brandishing their hand in several different formations, they are failing miserably. I’d believe it if that was LSU or the Lakers but any L-formations HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH AN M!!!!!!!!!! If we’re going to make up plots as we go, can we at least display the proper letter???? Milford Amalgamated 819 didn’t get to be a union pumping that G or P in solidarity. They might copycat Gil and wear those MTV logos on their shirts but you wouldn’t see omega or omicron or letters from the Cyrillic alphabet. As long as we are going to shake hands with Loserville High, let’s follow protocol all the way around.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Governor Rescinds Order To Send National Guard Troops!!!!!! Violence From Picketing At Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club Dies Down Quickly!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Mayor’s office has remitted an arbitrator to air grievances and both sides have proven amiable to the arbitrator involved.”

Roger Penske, the genius behind many NASCAR/Indy 500 victories, once talked about how he had taken over a strongly unionized company where morale had hit the pits. He just went directly to the union, both sat down in a meeting room, hashed out the 2,000 grievances (maybe an exaggeration, maybe not) , he closed the doors, then started getting down to the real nitty-gritty. About eight hours later, they emerged with many of the differences resolved, agreeing to disagree on about 10-15 complaints. The union went home happy with their families, Penske turned a bad venture into a profitable company that stayed that way for years, and give-and-take won out another day.

At the Milford School Board bargaining session with the Milford Teacher’s Association, this one heard behind closed doors

“They want the rusted tackling dummies removed by union disposal services AGAIN????”

And of course, even though Cami Ochoa was supposed to be coaching the JV squad and we THINK this is a JV game (give benefit of the doubt) , Gil naturally chimes in unnecessarily. Yeah, go shake their hands, tell them about the Thanksgiving Luau at Milford Gym and be sure to tell them to show their student ID or the security guard won’t let them through and tell them to use AAA so they can get reward points on hotel accommodations and free towing in case their bus breaks down and tell them to rinse with Scope so they don’t spew out halitosis when they’re shaking hands after the match and tell them James Whitcomb Riley told them that the goblins will git ya if ya don’t watch out and be sure to register to vote so that El Salvador doesn’t take over this country and turn it into a dictatorship and tell them that Dr. Pearl says hello to Chumpville Academy’s principal and she hopes that his grandpa has recovered from syphillis.

That should cover it.

There was a Fame episode where one of the students gets a job on the Mr. Wacky Show, roughly like Bozo the Clown. This student plays Noodles, Mr. Wacky’s sidekick who becomes the brunt of Mr. Wacky’s jokes, from pies in the face to getting dunked in the water. At first, it was a lot of fun but as time wears on, the act is getting old fast. The student can only take so many pies.

When he finally tells Mr. Wacky “Thanks but no thanks”, Mr. Wacky reluctantly understands. He sends this student off with “Eat all your vegetables, don’t forget to change your underwear, sit up at the table, comb your hair before you leave school, etc.”

It is my honest belief that Mr. Wacky pretty much said all these things and more to Chumpville Academy, picking up where Gil left off (did you expect Cami to contribute anything???? She’ll learn) .

Nice portrait of Gil and Cami today. American Gothic 2022, I reckon. This is not helping the rift between Gil and Mimi but who cares?

Then there’s those ED commercials that brag they’re the best in the county. Yeah, buddy. Damn, Our county may be last in the state in literacy rate and we graduate only 30% from high school but by gum, we are the best at gettin’ our males up for the occasion. God, no wonder why Milford Mattress Outlet is brisk in sales.

Hmmmmmmm

At the Thorp Household one Saturday afternoon

“Mommy, why is Daddy getting in the car? Where is he going?”

Mimi halts her game of checkers with Jami and races out to the driveway

“GIL!!!!!!!! Where are you going????”

“Mimi, clear the driveway!!!!! I have a real sense of urgency!!!!!!”

“Oh Gil, if you’re having a heart attack, I’ll call 9-1-1-“

“HELL NO!!!!!!!!! I read where New Thayer was voted by the other Valley Conference members as having the best Men’s Clinic in the conference!!!!! I gotta get there before they close!!!!”

“Mommy, he said Goshen uses recycled needles to get him pumped up. And Milford Men’s Clinic makes him drop his trousers in front of a Milford Candy Striper nurse. Aren’t they too young?”

“If he drops his pants in front of ANY teenager, I’m going back to Mom at the Milford Advanced Adult Center. Gil, get out of the car and end this foolishness!!!!!”

“Mimi, when a ball player declares free agency, he goes where they pay him the most. The payoff has to be worth it. Ain’t no way this free agent is going to test the waters in Madison. They give you Motrin and you’re hardly harder than worms for fish bait. And they had to shut down the clinic in Oakwood. The Oakwood Health Department gave them citations for issuing serum that had been on the dashboard and exposed to the sun too long. And the mice chewed through the wiring on the EKG machine. This free agent wouldn’t test the toothpaste in the bathroom there. A man has to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“Gil, you’ll be boldly going before the judge when I file the papers if you don’t get out of this car NOW!!!”

“Mommy, he said New Thayer Men’s Clinic also offered BOGO specials. Is he related to Pogo?”

“Keri, Sweetie, Daddy isn’t a fool. When I’m not getting my paycheck until next week, every little bit helps. Why pay for only one Blimpie Booster shot when you get the second one free? And when everything is done behind the curtain so some old lady in the next bed can’t see it driven in manually and anally, I’ll gladly drive the 7,573 miles to New Thayer to perform better under the sheets. I want to show Mommy what a man is like. He’s more than pinochle in bed.”

“Gil, this is embarrassing. The neighbors are looking. You’ve even got Mr. Kravitz humping the window-“

“Mommy, I want to go with Daddy. I want a Blimpie for me and my teddy bear-“

“JAMI, YOU’RE NOT GOING!!!!!!!! Gil, get-“

CHOKE CHOKE SPUTTER SPUTTER

“Mimi, did you forget to go to the mechanic to fix the gas filter?”

“Milford Men’s Clinic had a BOGO of their own anyway. Good thing because now I can double the pleasure when I hit the bed covers tonight. No more having to hide my problem and say to Mimi that I have a Bic pen anatomically attached to the rest of my body. With Blimpie Booster shots at affordable rates, come to Milford Men’s Clinic and create your story in bed tonight. Cinderella never had more fun. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

How many times Donau have to tell you, P3 was not seen at Milford Photography on the front window? That is not a family portrait. Where was Mimi, back at her mom’s place to watch her mom get a Blimpie?

But God bless you anyway.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Amalgamated Local 319 Reaches Tentative Agreement With Management At Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Amalgamated Rep: ‘Voting will take place right before Snake Handling Strip Night is scheduled to go on stage.”

At the Shaw Household one evening

“I am going to the voting session to show my solidarity and that’s final!!!!!!!”