This Week in Milford

September 22, 2022

Walking Tall: The Day Buford Pusser And Gil Thorp Retake Milford.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:35 pm

If I am guessing correctly about what Jami might be talking about, I would venture to say it is roughly related to a Dungeons and Dragons game or related atmosphere. The concept is interesting as a lot of chess is involved in it. The Game Master is the moderator/scorekeeper and the participants are warriors/knights engaging in battle with various enemies. Here’s the kicker, the participant talks out his/her characteristics and what they expect when he/she engages in battle. The dice is eventually rolled to determine the outcomes and the Game Master determines outcomes based upon what the participants are telling the GM and the stat sheet(s) in the GM’s hand. That summarizes what I’m gathering although I’m sure there’s a whole world in it so corrections are welcome.

As Vaganova has mentioned, we’re getting exposed to a Pandora’s Box of plots and MAYBE they’ll fall in place before basketball MAYBE NOT. So what the hay, let’s dump another featherless biped on the table in the guise of Dungeons and Dragons. I mean, c’mon, when Jami talks about rolling a dirty 20, it’s safe to say he’s not talking about the grand slam he booted in kickball in gym class. Thorpiverse, will you quit mudslinging these fancy-schmancy terms at us as if we’re going to go grab a Ouija board and try to summon a dragon from the dead, hoping to God somebody remembered to store the sword in the china cabinet? Yeah, yeah, Jami, you rolled a dirty 100 and sent the guy to the school nurse when you dusted his butt in slaughterball. Mimi, will you pass the biscuits?

Speaking of Gil, Man, you talk about the pot calling the kettle Thorp. Gil, Holy one, as long as you’re going to talk about foul language, you were accosted with some loser and his wife who in no uncertain terms tossed a numberable amount of profanities at you, not that it wasn’t unwarranted. And over the sixty years of watching you coach (loosely speaking) , you have spewed out some dirty words yourself, Mr. Potty Mouth In Disguise.

And it wasn’t as if Jami was really cussing, not outwardly anyway. I could have addressed my 3rd grade teacher as “Hello Mrs. 3rd Grade Teacher, you sweet Dirty 20” and not worry about getting sent to the principal’s office. She’d be clueless what I meant but I wasn’t flipping her off. Oh hey, Mr. Referee, how’s your Dirty 20 doing? Is she out of the hospital yet? BTW, could you watch #15? He’s pushing off down low.

This whole thing, IMO, has all the trappings of a Walking Talk sequel. The controversial movie was based on a true story centering around Buford Pusser, an ex-pro wrestler who wants to help his dad in the logging business in McNairy County, Tennessee. Pusser’s eyes are opened when he runs across the rampant corruption in the county, particularly when he catches a games house at cheating. The county sheriff is threatened by him and tries to kill him but ends up getting killed himself in the process and Pusser eventuallly takes over at sheriff. He carries around a long piece of wood, basically a tall wooden post, to drive home the message “Speak softly but carry a big stick.” Oh, this one’s big.
And what better way for Gil to deal with a butthole who gets to be more of a butthole by the panel than to tote Pusser’s Stick? If Luke Loser says “poop” in front of Beth the Bartender, Gil can pull a Buford Pusser and FAP Luke up side his forehead. Terrorists attempt to raid the airport and Gil can’t get on the plane for his next Coach of the Year ceremony as a result? Smash the airport lockers where all the bombs are hidden with Pusser’s Stick and line up those cowards one-by-one on the floor where Gil can bludgeon them to death and save taxpayer expense using the electric chair. Marty slanders Gil once again and says he coaches only when it’s convenient? Swing that Pusser’s Stick towards the sound board. Simple.
I can’t wait for Walking Tall V: Gil Uses Pusser’s Stick On A Nurse Who Injects Anthrax Into Mimi’s Mom’s Tea.

At the Milford High School parking lot

SMASH!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!! TRASH!!!!!!!!!!

Stud Pardee yells out “Coach Thorp, why are you smashing my windshield???? All I wanted to know was why my daughter wasn’t playing varsity on the volleyball team.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sheriff Buford Pusser Executes Severe Damage To Dr. Pearl’s Lexus In A Raid Yielding Millions In Illegal Contraband!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sheriff Pusser: ‘We had reasonable suspicion that she and her husband had plenty of hooch hidden in the back seat under the Perry Como records.’”

Is that the Poltergeist tree? I thought it got swept up in that tornado. How did it land in the yard out of nowhere? Better not press my luck on that one. I wouldn’t want that tree to eat Keri and Jami like it tried to do with the children from the movie. Thorpiverse, don’t Dirty 43 the kids this early. We still have 9 more decades of plot before they graduate. But it looks tame for now. Wouldn’t build a tree house but not looking over my shoulder either.

Daggone it, Coach, if there’s one thing I can’t stand is a resident who leaves his ladder out in the yard. You talk about a safety hazard. Oh whoops, that’s the railing. Good thing. It looks like it’s supporting the structure that has become a shotgun house. The dining room has been shrunk to a debriefing room, nice touch.

Just another day in Paradise in Penny Lane

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Residence Checked For Hooch!!!!!! Milford Police To Draw Up Another Search Warrant!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Pusser better not use no bat on my lamp. I bought that on sale at Pier 1 Imports.”

Oooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with another round to WHACK Gil Thorp out of the county. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Gil used Buford’s_______________ when Gil went to bed with Mimi.”

Now that Jami has thrown a Mazes and Monsters concept at us, I am still struggling to figure out TTRP. Thorps That Rape People? Thorps Try Raising Peacocks? Take Thorps and Ram them into a Pole? Okay, I stretched the last one but that’s what happens when I’m not well-versed in Dungeons and Dragons. Try To Remember Pliability.
And Gil, what other Luke could your son be talking about? Yeah, I zapped Luke Skywalker, Junior with a laser and earned enough points to send him and The Mudlark Dragon back to Pluto. And with a lucky roll of the die, I can get Carol Ann and Mimi’s mom released from that Poltergeist that was slumbering in the tool cabinet in the garage.
It can’t be Luke who wrote one of the Gospels. Everybody has to have a surname if they want to enroll at Milford Middle School.

“Watch where you taking that whiskey. That’s valuable merchandise, son.”

SPLASHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Now look what ya did, boy!!!!! Ya got whiskey all over the distillery!!!!!!!”

“It was heavy, Dad.”

“Are you some kind of girl???? I bet ya got ta squat ta pee.”

“I DO NOT!!!!!”

“Don’t you sass me, boy, I’ll give you a whuppin’ bigger than Mr. Pusser can do!!!!!!!!”

WHAP!!!!!! WHAP!!!!!!

“Gil!!!!!!! That’s your son!!!!!!”

Being a Christian, I really don’t have a problem with Dungeons and Dragons or similar games. Obviously there’s a few dubious elements but anybody wise enough to take games like this in the proper perspective should never encounter any problems. Like with anything.

Just a cautionary note and take it as you wish. Let Mazes and Monsters be a warning of the dangers when you don’t back off when the signs were clear. Tom Hanks (first role in a major movie, if I’m not mistaken) plays a student who gets caught up in the Dungeons and Dragons atmosphere to the point where he went insane. Satan is real, folks. Never underestimate his power.

Hal Lindsey was right. We make Satan out to be this impish Hot Stuff character who takes his knocks and suffers the foils and frailties like other kids, or the Human Race in general. Nothing could be further from the truth. In Ephesians, it says “Put on the armor of God”. Against Satan, I would. Know Jesus. Read your Bible. I’ll say it again, he’s real. Protect yourself. I’ve seen too many signs.

But again, you are free to worship as you wish. Just serve that God 110% is all I ask.

Is Mimi really having that much trouble killing that T-bone steak? I know she’s listening intently to Jami bragging about how he shot Luke Loser’s dragon into some abyss in the alley but Mimi, I have a hacksaw if that’ll help.
And what is it with the green cuisine? I’ve heard of green eggs and ham but not the KFC Family Bucket Special like we’re seeing at the dinner table this evening. You eat that palm leaf, Jami, there are starving kids in China that would drop off the Great Wall for a bite. And Keri, use a piece of green bread to scoop that green buffalo heart and green pig liver, don’t use your hands.

WHAT is that plate in the middle???? A piece of green Sara Lee Choco Cream Pie???? No thanks, Mimi, no seconds for me. WHAT is in that bowl in the middle???? Green mints so that you don’t get bad breath from green buffalo hearts???? Fried green tater tots???? Green crab legs from the Alaskan coastline???? And what is the other bowl of green cottage cheese doing on the other end of the table? No more green oatmeal until you eat all your palm leaves, Jami.

The family that greens together, stays together. Judging by Keri’s hair, they’ll be glued together for quite some time.

Annnndddddd

Hmmmmmmm. Let me see. Try The Rugby Plot.

Oh God, no. I can’t see Coach Thorp, Marty Moon, Mr. Dr. Pearl, or Lunky Luke in a rugby uniform (with that nasty goatee and matching golf hat? Sheesh) . And how long would THAT get dragged out? We only have 3 more months plus the loose change in September.

Uh oh. When Gil’s eye shoots off firecrackers, you know you can expect a Buford Pusser moment. It’s bad enough when Gil has to defend his honor against Sewer Mouth Luke Martinez Senior to better serve Beth the Bartender to better serve all the lushes at the ceremony or Milford Lounge or the Airport Bar & Grill or wherever she plies her trade but is Jami going to meet a similar fate against Sewer Mouth Martinez Junior???? Judging by Gil chewing on his Nestle Quik glass, I probably don’t want to know the answer.

What could the plotline gods conceivably create that would involve Jami? Sewer Mouth Junior cussing out the lady substitute gym teacher because they’re doing too many jumping jacks? Watch your language, bub, or I’ll waylay you with my jock strap. Just do the 1,453 jumping jacks and shut up. Sewer Mouth Junior threatening the school cafeteria cashier with a spork because she overcharged on the chipped jello? Oh boy, Jami to the rescue. Just leave that cashier alone and eat your Ho Ho’s and like it before me and Wyatt Earp run you out of Dodge. Sewer Mouth Junior blackmailing the DJ at the school dance? Listen here, chum, if you don’t like dancing to Deep Purple’s “Space Truckin’”, go permanent ice-fishing in Labrador.
Finish the rest of your arugula, Jami.

BTW, jumping jacks was named after none other than General John “Black Jack” Pershing (Pershing missiles named after him) . From his humble beginnings in Laclede, Missouri (great stopover at his Boyhood Home, if you’re on vacation and in the area) , he rose up and steamrolled his way into the ranks. Very by-the-book and no-nonsense but fair, his exercise programs were about as Muscular Christianity as you could imagine, vigorous and tough but got results. Jumping jacks was part of that regimen. The Axis Powers in WWI never knew what hit them when Pershing’s men took the battlefield.

“We’ll return to see who gets chopped from the Green Cuisine Week festivities after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“ Ay Ay Ay, my wife was running around on me. She had a caliente for this teenager down at the Milford Trocadero. I’ll never forgive Ricky Ricardo for expanding his operations. If I could golpear him with my own Buford Pusser garrote, I’d take back anything I said about or to Gil. She can have Beth the Bartender.”

“WOW!!!!!! Sounds like Luke Martinez Senior has problems Luke Junior will face once the latter stops using Clearisil. It was no fun playing mediator here but at Joe Sharkey Divorce and Divorce Attorneys & Assiciates et al, we pay the price so they can get paid and I can afford the garbage disposal rates every month.”

“I had to get away from la Madera de una Hormiguero. He was not exciting in bed and I had to use a respirator to pump him up. It was 1:39AM one night when he aired up sufficiently. I never saw a balloon pump struggle to inflate worse than this. And I had to go to bed by then if I wanted to get to work by 7 AM.”

“We got them to kiss and make up over the final settlement. Mediation and a shotgun in the corner sped the process quite significantly. They both walked out happy and satisfied. Luke went to sing Pure Prairie League songs to Beth the Bartender in celebration. She went home to mother.”

“I got $563,093,342 and I had full visitation rights. Man, I can afford golf clubs!!!! They’ll come in handy when I challenge Gil in strip golf next week. Plus $35 per hole. That #%?^*+!$&@ cheapskate can afford it. He tipped The Bucket waiter $50, even after Melissa Gordon picked up the tab, then left. Thanks, Shark!!!!!”

“I received $645,982,305 from the settlement. Me and that teenage pizza de miel are going to make beautiful music on our honeymoon, then settle down in Kansas and buy a wheat farm. I’ll be satisfied sexually and financially and we only have to worry about a tornado every now and then. Thanks Shark!!!!!!!!”

“You heard these people. Everybody turned out a winner. Now, me, If you can get it resolved, PLEASE contact Milford Marriage Counseling and set up an appointment. Your initial consultation is free and they take major insurance and EBT cards. If there is no way around it, please get it by the deadline, normally 30 days after the consultation but 15 days when the matter is deemed and ruled irreconcilable by the Milford Superior Court notwithstanding the notaries that stamp their seal of approval in writing before the second Tuesday after the first Monday of each month with a 5 day grace period. Get The Shark on your side by calling 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”

Gang, Buford Pusser did not smash the windshield on Gil’s SUV. He had no hooch in the spare tire as the Milford Enquirer alleged, remember? It must have been a prank.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Nudist Colony, in the spare parking lot

SMASH!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!

“Mommy? Daddy said Sheriff Pusser is smashing Marty Moon’s car because he smuggled Milford Men’s Clinic sex pills from Guatemala.”

“Uhhhhhhh, oh look, Keri, there’s Luke Junior on the playground. Go play with him on the jungle jim.”

On The Chopping Block on WDIG-TV one late night

“Chef Gil Thorp. You’ve been chopped.”

“Coach, I just think the mashed potatoes could’ve been greener. Are you sure you checked the oven dial?”

6 Comments »

  1. Wtf is a “ dirty 20” and why is Emily getting her panties in a bunch over the use of that phrase? Lately, I feel like I need to have Alexa or Google ready whenever I read the newest GT strip just to make sense of all the bitchin’, groovy modern kid lingo that HB is throwing at us every day. And what did Gil think was gonna happen with both these kids in the same school? That they would never cross paths?

    Comment by franku2016 — September 22, 2022 @ 7:59 pm

  2. Gil is the one who thought Kami was “swearing”. Mimi is just sitting there, “Eh.”

    Comment by MopMan — September 22, 2022 @ 8:15 pm

  3. *Jami

    Comment by MopMan — September 22, 2022 @ 8:16 pm

  4. Mazes & Monsters was a made for TV movie. Other than Hanks, the cast was a bunch of has beens, never weres, & Canadians. They rushed it out pretty fast, but the Great D&D Oanic was already ending.
    TTFN!

    Comment by Downpuppy — September 23, 2022 @ 1:50 am

  5. I’m just here for the Buford Pusser reference…

    Comment by hitorque — September 23, 2022 @ 11:39 am

  6. Yeah Mop, I don’t really GAF who’s sayin’ it because I still don’t know what it means.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 23, 2022 @ 11:54 am


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