This Week in Milford

November 10, 2022

Is It Too Late To Switch Over To Mud Mountain Murphy?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:02 pm


For those of you who have been reading the Rex Morgan, MD storyline, you know that Rex and his wife are at this Country Music concert at Lou’s Nite Spot and anticipating any minute two old-school (seems that way, anyway) Country performers. The first on the bill is this obnoxious but gentle non-forma blob by the name of Mud Mountain Murphy. To give a little background leading up to this juncture, he and Truck Tyler, the other performer, plus the promoter who got them at Lou’s who goes by Buck had been eating earlier at Nick’s Diner where Mud Mountain pretty well showed in about fifteen minutes why he went by that sobriquet.

He flat-out ate the diner out of house and home, including this humongous chocolate banana split orange ade vanilla roll cake peach cobbler lemon meringue pie cheesecake infested rhubarb pastry black raspberry doughnut creme de la creme cruller strawberry frapped blueberry icing Count Chocula cereal bites with a cherry on top. The hitch was that if he could devour Mt. Everest, the dessert was on the house. A Mountain eating a mountain, how noble.

Well, he did it. Got the order free, his wallet safe for another day. The problem is, he’s up on stage today about to perform but it appears that Mt. Everest is kicking back as he is forced to tell the audience, much to its chagrin, that he has to step out for a minute. Don’t mind me, folks, I’m just gonna have to puke up that banana split and somebody will have to plunge a garden hose up my fat ass to pump out the cashews and the rest of the contents so they don’t get caught in my duodenum. It’s just a routine procedure. Rex is like Gil, he may only show up in a time of crisis and still be clueless and compassionless, but he knows what he’s doing. He’s inserted several garden hoses before, this’ll be like clockwork. I’ll be back by the second set.

But that’s the storyline itself. It’s not like here where there’s Mud Mountain Murphys running in all directions. Geez, how many garden hoses do we need? I know I’m not about to pump Coach Kaz, Coach Thorp, Pedro, Dr. Pearl, Lumpy Luke, etc. all at one time. We’d need enough hose to stretch to Pike’s Peak and back. Wasn’t it the last couple of days that the story was unfolding why Luke had a Lunkhead against Gil? Some of us had hope and were FINALLY getting interested until Thorpiverse pulled a Mud Mountain on us and threw in some more meat loaf and mashed potatoes and some Oreos while we’re still trying to pare down The Old Man on The Ice Cream or the entire state of New Hampshire, whichever our digestive system could stomach first (pardon the pun) . Are we getting ANOTHER plot at Nick’s Diner? T-Verse, we do have a concert scheduled. What are going to do, watch Gil write a letter to the Milford Star sports editor and say that Luke utters such trash because he’s a wiener, then zip over in time for Truck Tyler to play “Rose Garden”? Watch Gil spank Keri on his knee with a hickory switch if she doesn’t get out of bed, then race our ass over to Coffee Cantina to soak in Truck and Loretta Lynn and Mimi Thorp belt out “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man”? Look, we are only about a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving and none of the plots are really coming full circle. When we’re doing pregame interviews after a kicker kicked to himself then lateraled to Franco Harris for the Immaculate Reception, you know the Mudlark Football team is getting lost in Mud’s cookie dough. What are we going to do, the football team go to Milford General at New Year’s Eve to donate a case of Pepto Bismol to Mud in the ICU as a Christmas present? We’ll have to endure several undeveloped stories before we get to the lead undeveloped story? Mud may be mud by then.

Here’s some Maalox, Mud. It ought to clean you out before intermission.

At Coffee Cantina

“MY NEXT NUMBER IS A FAVORITE OF Y’ALL. I’LL BET YA KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT, ‘THEM MUDDY BOOTS!!!!!!!!’ AND AS AN EXTRA TREAT, COACH THORP IS HERE TO ACCOMPANY ME. HE’LL BE PLAYIN’ THE JEWS HARP OUTTA HIS BUTT!!!!!!!!!!”

Heard in the audience

“No wonder why Luke stomped his ass in ‘87!!!!!!!!”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Quashes Rumors That She Is Having An Affair With Truck Tyler!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“His sideburns exhibit an air of sexiness but my husband displays the equivalent sexiness emanating from his elbows.”

This is where we’re getting Mud Mountain’d to death. We were getting into the flow of Luke’s wrath the day before, today Gil is at Nick’s Diner, sitting next to the booth where Buck and Tyler are in a pendulous discussion about Mud’s B.O., reading about his upcoming game with Luke the Loser. Good lord, even good basketball teams don’t switch THIS much. It’s like Mud Mountain Murphy strumming “Them Muddy Boots” one minute, playing Erik Satie’s “Gymnopedie No. 1” the next. He’s going to get a heart attack just by engineering this transition. Somebody better order Lean Cuisine Meat Loaf at Nick’s Diner.

And as long as we’re going to talk about rewriting history, if somebody can write Luke out of this spaghetti bowl of plots, I’ll pay for the banana split, he or she doesn’t even need to finish it. I wouldn’t want to see Rex treat you for a coronary and hand you a lollipop if you rise up and walk although at least they’re sticking to one plot and not challenging Dr. Pearl, Gil, Mimi, Keri, Jami, Pedro, Coach Kaz, Marty Moon, Marjie Ducey, Heather Burns etc., etc., etc. each to spoon their own Pike’s Peak of an ice cream concoction. We gotta deal with Mud Mountain Murphy splayed out on the backstage barfing out Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup, let’s leave it at that.

Gang, I’m a huge Mike Wallis fan, the famous writer on Western life and history. He has been big on restoring Route 66, which BTW will celebrate its 96th anniversary this Friday (November 11th) , and along the way, he did an excellent piece on Big Texan Steak Ranch restaurant in Amarillo, Texas. They have a unique challenge that if you can eat a dinner roll, shrimp cocktail, regular salad, baked potato and a 72-oz. steak in one hour, the whole meal is on the house. Many have tried, many have Mud Mountain’d their abdomens, but believe it or not, more than 10,000 diners have beaten the challenge. Keri and Jami, don’t try this at home. Anyway

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Issuing A Fresh Challenge To All Of The Milford Populace!!!!!!!!!! Many Have Registered!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Bucket Manager: ‘We durst any of our customers to indulge in Bucket Crab Cakes, Bucket 74-oz. London Broil, Bucket Taco Cobb Salad, Bucket Croissant Cruller, and Bucket Child’s Plate Spaghetti and finish it in one hour. They will get a free voucher for a Bucket Cheesecake the next time they come to the Drive-In portion of the property.”

WHAT???? Mimi durst pour coffee in any receptacle besides the GIL mug???? Granted, just about any time we’ve seen these rare species is at GIL’s office but surely you can’t tell me he doesn’t have them hidden in the pantry, under the bed in that shoebox with the $10,000 wrapped up by a Milford Smut Publications magazine, by the aquarium, in Jami’s toy box, in Gil’s shaving kit, between Mimi’s Nair packages, over the spare TV in the den, next to the dog food bowl used as a water dish, and hanging as a potted plant out on the verandah.This is getting too much for my heart to take. Thank our lucky stars Mimi didn’t pour Folger’s in a MUD mug. I realize GIL and MUD are interchangeable but let’s not surrender to Rex Morgan yet. He has his own nonchalance to deal with.

And apparently Divorce Talk has been pre-empted for Austin City Limits with Mud giving it up towards the Colorado River. Just pour my coffee and shut up, Mimi. I am in no mood to discuss alimony. Call my lawyer. It’s amazing how we brace ourselves for a dam break but get jerked over to Krusty the Klown. Oh Boy, is Truck Tyler going to get shot out of the cannon? We’ll never know, that’s been sidestepped by Meemaw’s “Help, I’ve fallen on the volleyball court and I can’t get up!!!!!” Thank God, Lifeline was there to save a ruined plot that was going nowhere, if it ever showed back up, that is.

At The Bucket one afternoon

“I’ll be fine. Just a few more bites of these Bucket Crab Cakes and I won’t have to use my credit card.”

“Meemaw, I’m just concerned you’ll wet the bed tonight. Do you have clean sheets?”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Luke Martinez Takes Issue With Gil’s Carpet-Calling, Demands Proof From Allegations!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I licked every bit of that Bucket Child’s Plate Spaghetti. I’ll even show him the video.”

So now we’re going BACK to Keri via Mud’s failure to devour his mud. Stop this plot, I want to get off. WHAT is this accomplishing? Keri will get nightmares of Rambo trying to gang-rape her, we’ll spend a panel or two on that then in the third panel, Dr. Pearl will be heading to Milford Veterinarian Sevices to put the peacock to sleep after it contracted the plague. I think I’d rather watch Mud Mountain Murphy do Slim Whitman. We’re getting close to Christmas, I hope Santa wraps this up for all the good boys and girls.

If ya eat ev’ry bit o’ that 73-lb Bucket Venison Plate Special w/ Bucket Chili Fries, Bucket Jowl Bacon, Bucket Oyster Crackers, and Bucket Kiddie Caesar’s Salad and wash it all down with a Bucket Nehi, knowin’ you won’t hav’ ta worry ‘bout writin’ a check and hopin’ it won’t bounce like one o’ th’ Jowl Bacon bits, ya might be a redneck.

Now the only thing I can induce from Keri being in bed and Gil coming in to get her out of bed is the scary experience she endured a few days ago at the school. I know I’d be frightened if the Milford Stormtrooper Regiment came barging in while I was adding acid to water in chem lab. Oh, just a minute, A Team, let me shut off this Bunsen burner. We won’t be bending test tubes on this day, fer sure.

What’s a bit scary is when Gil is calling Keri “Princess”. As one of the readers at Gil Thorp Go Comics pointed out, there’s an eerie link between P3 today and the made-for-TV movie “Something About Amelia” where Ted Danson, the great actor from “Cheers”, plays a wonderful father who is eventually uncovered to have sexually assaulted his daughter. During this time he is constantly calling her “Princess”. When he is finally brought to justice, Amelia at last says “Stop calling me ‘Princess’”.

Well, Gil is full of Mud Mountain Murphy and wants to divorce his wife (supposedly) and is in a face-off with Luke over twiddley winks and if Luke doesn’t play fair, Gil will take all the footballs and go home, but I don’t THINK Gil is a sexual abuser. At least, I think it would be hard to work that one in and develop it (supposedly) before Santa comes down Gil’s chimney. If there’s no coal in Gil’s stocking, Santa and the rest of us have yet to find out. The truth should come by Valentine’s Day after Milford wins the State Playdowns over Luke’s Losers. Give it time.

“And that ends the game as Valley Tech stomps the Milford Mudlarks, 63-10. Luke Martinez ran roughshod over the Mudlark defense to the tune of 355 total yards, 231 rushing and 124 receiving. Gil simply had no answers but tell me something I don’t know. I’ll have stats and scores and analysis after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”


At Big Texan Steak Ranch one fine afternoon in Amarillo, Texas, Coach Shaw up to any challenge

“Damn!!!!!!!!!! I only have 31 minutes. I better gulp a few more crab cakes so I can get caught up!!!!!!! Waiter, can you get me another Fanta Orange to wash down the shrimp? Much obliged.”

Mrs. Shaw is led by the restaurant hostess

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Let’s find a motel along Route 66 and let me fill you up with more than oyster crackerrrrrrrrrrssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“LEAVE ME ALONE, Woman!!!!!!!! It’s 3rd and long and I fully intend to get the first down!!!!!!! How can I eat my Taco Supreme Nacho Queso Ensalada in peace when you’re wanting sex out in public???? I will get within field goal range even if I have to use a snow shovel to dump the rest of this Child’s Plate Lasagna down my esophagus. Do you take me for a fool?”

“Do you want the answer now?”

“Now I’ve got business to attend to and I got my mojo to get erect and that won’t happen when you won’t let me eat my dinner roll smothered in Texas Panhandle cream cheese. By gum, if that don’t get me hornier than an armadillo during mating season, I oughta sleep under one of the Cadillacs at the ranch.”

“Honey, I’d prefer a site with a roof over it. Holiday Inn has a discount for couples looking to recharge their sexual batteries. And you need a jump.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!! I am going to get this whole slab of steak they grilled in an incinerator the City of Armadillo used to cremate their citizens with and I will swallow this durn thing in 15 minutes. I’ll still have time to eat the baked potato or just cheat and stick it up my gluteus maximus when no one’s looking. Hey, I might have time to spare for dessert. Cheesecake sounds nice but I’ll settle for dinner mints.”

“Wook, come wid me and wet’s take youah widdle ding-a-ling to a motel wheh youah can stick your own baked putatuh into me. You don’t need sour cream for that.”

“Get thee behind me, Woman!!!!!!!!! I have 11 minutes and I still haven’t touched this Mac ‘n’ Cheese Pulled Pork Bar-B-Q and Baked Kettle Cooked Sea Salt Made In Guatemala Potato Chips!!!!!! I’ll beat the stopwatch if I have to use Halley’s M-O to force the deal. I can take a poop break as long as I come back and complete the deal. They allow you two of ‘em and I still have the 2-minute warning also. I’ll need all those time outs when I’m struggling with the chicken gizzards.”

The waiter approaches Coach Shaw

“Sir, the system is down. Do you want to sign up for another date?”

“I didn’t have to pay for it but that was a sister-kisser if I ever saw one. Heck, I never saw any student assistants kiss Gil’s butt like that. It reminded me of my own problems. I had a 72-oz piece of sirloin that couldn’t cut it on the grill if you added Lawry’s seasoning to it. It was time to confront the problem and I went to Milford Men’s Clinic to spice up my sex life. Doggone, I’m glad a did. With proven treatment programs and a board-certified staff, me and my honey have spent several days at the motels along Route 66 and we are having the time of our lives on The Mother Road. Come get your own dinner deal where you won’t have to pay a thing to enjoy the scrumptious smorgasbord made in Heaven.”


Gang, if Mud Mountain Murphy would go easy on the syrup when he’s eating pancakes, he might sing “Guitar Town” a lot better, regardless of what you say.

But God bless you anyway

At Big Texas Steak Ranch

“Mommy, why is Daddy sticking that steak in his Fruit of the Loom’s?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, here Keri, here’s some tokens. Go play Pac-Man in the game room.”

2 Comments »

  1. Haha…I’ve been reading RM this week just because I want to see where they go with this Mud Mountain jerk-off. Since gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, a heart attack is where the smart money would go, but maybe it will be something else. He’s gotta’ be to the point where ordinary toilets and plumbing systems won’t work for him anymore due to not only his body weight putting stress on the toilet bowl, but also to the amount mud comin’ out of his mountain ass putting stress on sewage pipes. Today, we are back to Keri, who is either hung over, PTSD’d, depressed, or just a plain ‘ol tired teenager. Her layin’ around in bed kind of reminds me of the ‘Earache, my Eye’ tune from C&C’s Wedding album, especially the part at about 3:42:

    Comment by franku2016 — November 10, 2022 @ 3:00 pm

  2. Thank you, Frank, for the input and insert!!!!!!!!!!! I have always loved Cheech and Chong and I remember this particular sketch and it was an excellent refresher. They have always had white heat to their humor and this sketch is no exception.
    Frank, keep your own white heat comments coming. I love ‘em.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — November 20, 2022 @ 8:31 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: