This Week in Milford

November 22, 2022

Over The River And Through The Woods, To Meemaw’s Room We Goooo…

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:07 pm

I’d bail out and print a banal and trite “This is a turkey of a plot” but when the turkey is split and dissected into several mini-turkeys that have yet come full circle, I’m safe to say that the comedy should be fresh for a while. No Waldorf salad leftovers, at least not in the refrigerator anyway.

Why should I worry about my commentary getting stale (humbly speaking, trust me) when we have seen ANOTHER plot development rear its inchoate head, as if we need more plots to stuff in the stocking with the rest of the coal? It’s like Charlie Brown getting all those rocks at Halloween, then a forklift approach and dump him with some more unpolished gravel that was shoveled from somebody’s driveway. Man, if the poor kid is going to get buried in an avalanche, the least somebody can do is hand him a bag of his/her candy corn.

This one may Nova on us, i.e., shine brightly and rudely for 2-3 days, then get jerked off the screen to see if Meemaw has been treated properly for herpes so she can see the kids. Boy, I’m just game for adventures that were never really adventures because we never really got to the point. We kinda sorta did with Keri’s injury but that seemed to be out of necessity (“Damn!!!!! How am I going to fit Divorce Court back in the loop without anyone noticing? SNAP!!!! I got it!!!!! I’ll have the nurse prescribe Geritol and then tell Keri to do 500 jumping jacks and if the leg doesn’t latch back in place, call 9-1-1. One plot developed before Thanksgiving, hooray!!!!!!”) .

So go ahead and spin the wheel. You may be able to buy a vowel to solve the puzzle, er, puzzles, er, plotlines.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“AC/DC Still Desperately Seeking Replacement For Upcoming ‘Highway To Milford’ Tour At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater After Angus Young Is Still Bedridden With The Flu!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“AC/DC Spokesperson: We appreciate Coach Thorp purchasing school uniform hand-me-downs from Milford Goodwill from his Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union credit card, but the band felt he was not suitable for our present needs. Plus, when he attempted a Chuck Berry duckwalk like Angus, he rammed into an amplifier.”

Now who in the world made that comment in P1???? I don’t think Luke Lunkhead is riding with him even though he is not above that crassness. Throw him out the back INTO THE WOODS. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo made eat him for Thanksgiving dinner. Problem solved. Plus Mimi can’t be answering to herself. I can’t even imagine the soliloquy

“To amputate

Or not to amputate

That is the question

Meemaw has to have a

Tonsillectomy this Friday

But they have an early start

On the volleyball match

Ay, there’s the rub”

And we have strong reason to believe that Keri didn’t make that comment. She’s not one for self-inflicted torture, given the recent raid by Milford Stormtroopers Alliance where she hid behind some skeleton in bio lab. And if there’s any pets or general animal population, they don’t even speak English. C’mon, who honestly believes the Milford Peacock opined that a saw should have been applied to Keri’s appendage?

I can see this one

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!

“Gee, Lassie, I don’t know. Do you really think Keri needs to amputate her leg?”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!

“Well, I know the doctor found gangrene all over the patella and the lower ligaments connecting the fibula to the knee joint with endoplasmic reticulum running willy-nilly in all directions with a possibility of streptococcus tigurinis entering at the cartilage there exerting undue pressure at the hamstring muscles but I think some bed rest will ease the strain on the anatomy as a whole and ensure auspicious development towards tournament time.”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!

“No, Lassie. I don’t want to go to Burger King. Whoppers give me acid reflux, you know that.”

So by process of elimination, it has to be (drum roll, please) JAMIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! The ignorance gave it away.

But even then, this doesn’t show up on Leave it to Beaver

“Gee, Dad, I think the pediatrician should amputate Wally right up to the elbow.”

“That shows how much of an enigmatic dope you are. I just skinned it on the elm tree in Lumpy Rutherford’s yard skateboarding.”

“Ward, do you think Wally will be okay? The doctor appeared worried.”

“Wally will be fine. The doctor was more concerned about Wally’s jock itch. But some Ibuprofen should take care of it by the weekend.”

I can’t even see this on Gilligan’s Island

“Skipper, I’m sorry you fell out of that coconut tree trying to recover your sack lunch. Are you going to have to amputate?”

“Oh, Gilligan, don’t be ridiculous. I can still walk around the lagoon and chew gum at the same time. Where’d you get these outrageous notions, Little Buddy?”

“I saw The Professor sharpening a bolo knife off of Mrs. Howell’s vanity drawer.”

Or how about

“IT’S PROM NIGHT!!!!!!!!! KERI, GIMME YOUR LEG!!!!!!!”

“Jami!!!!!!!! Behave yourself!!!!!!!! Put your seat belt back on and take off that ridiculous Barney Rubble mask!!!!!!!”

“Yes, Mommy Dearest.”

At Milford Adult Center w/ “Hell’s Bells” blasting in the hallway somewhere

CRASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Mrs. Meemaw, what happened???? And what’s with the Angus Young get-up????”

“I’m so sorry. I guess I just can’t strut like I used to when I was an undergrad. I’ll go get a dustpan.”


Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Finalizes Finer Points For ‘Thunderstruck’ Video Shooting In Gym!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The student body can certainly fill the bleachers but absolutely nobody is allowed to hang off the backboard or rim when Mr. Young is in his virtuoso element.”

HAHAHAHAHA

Sorry, Gang, Mimi just uttered a knee-slapper and I couldn’t contain myself. With all these sub-plots running around the house like the puppies from a dog that ought to get spayed pronto, this Foghorn Leghorn funny only added one more litter to the overcrowded dog bed. As if this is going to tie all these loose ends together that are still running loose.

Thorpiverse, get the hint. Nothing is getting done, we’re still dealing with Toby’s Excellent Adventure in the football field and Breaking Up Is Hard To Look At In A Sports Strip, thrown in with Meemaw’s Final Appearance On Hee Haw Before She Croaks Of Cancer. Which came first, Lulu or the egg? Which died first, Meemaw or Junior Samples? Oh, God, I better stop or T-Verse will have another litter coming out of the basement. I hope somebody bought an extra bag of Puppy Chow.

I remember this Twilight Zone comic book segment where this race car driver is trying to find an edge to win and he sees this short cut but just about when he is on this route, he sees a sign that says “Travel at your own risk”. I don’t remember the outcome although I do remember his scratching his head when he was reading the road map. The Thorp Generation appears to be on that same route in P1 et al.

So why not? As long as they’re lost, why not make jokes about lost appendages that could be stored in somebody’s U-Haul? It’ll make the day go faster.

If ya got yore leg amputated cuz ya got ran over by a train while ya wuz lookin’ fer the chaw ya lost on the track, ya might be a redneck.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Rejected At Audition For Cannon Starter For AC/DC’s ‘For Those About to Rock(We Salute You)’!!!!!!!! Makes Final Cut!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“AC/DC Spokesperson: ‘Coach Thorp kept reaching for his Zippo lighter when he couldn’t find the torch.’”

Okay, okay, I’ll lay off the artwork. The dashboard and the different functions all appear to be in proper order. The speedometer is not down by the ash tray and the odometer is not over by the radio dial.

I still wonder if they are indeed headed to Meemaw’s for her swan song. As light as the atmosphere is, i.e., lopping off of legs told in a jocund manner, this is a perfect time to be singing Christmas carols while Meemaw is getting died off out of the script. Hmmmmmm, let’s start off with “Carol of the Bells” with Mimi starting off, then Jami and Keri eventually harmonizing. That ought to be enough time for Meemaw to insert her dentures and finish the last round. The Poly-Grip should hold for at least a half an hour.

Then they can sing “Jingle Bells” with the Thorp family singing the verses and the Milford Adult Center staff singing the refrain. Oh what fun it is to ride in a stretcher to my grave. Aren’t you excited, Meemaw?

Then we can all sing the The Twelve Days of Christmas

“Twelve Tobys kicking

Eleven Martys bitching

Ten Meemaws croaking

Nine Lukes a-boasting

Eight Keris hiding

Seven Coach Boones hiding

Six Pearls a-sleeping

Fivvvvveeee Kaz earrrrrrinnnggggggss

Four Bucket Fries

Three Mudlarks

Two Stupid plots

And a peacock in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeee”

That’s a real chart-buster. I wonder if K-Tel is interested.

At Milford Comedy Caravan

“…what do I look like, You Shook Me All Night Long????”

Heard from the audience

“Having troubles in bed again, Coach?”

P3 is simply regurgitating what we’ve seen the last few panels. Oh darn, I should gone in front of the firing squad. The football season is being thrown to the wolves for THIS???? Keri flippantly and nonchalantly dismissing her remotely possible fate over exciting Toby kick-around with the football? It was far-fetched but it was football. If I wanted Keri discussing her upcoming execution at Bastille Day, I’d have switched over to Buzz Sawyer. It’s still far-fetched with ol’ Buzz but it’s more conceivable. Right now, football is being delayed well into November and I wouldn’t be surprised if it overlaps well into December because we’re stuck in plot developments that should have been better-developed or really, not at all. Are we going to see more jokes about Keri’s injury in the near future? Especially after she should have been suspended for a crime far worse than Mike Knappe’s choice of the utensil he uses to apply Jif on his Wonder Bread. How much did you pay Dr. Pearl to get the sentence reduced, Gil? The same amount to have your daughter’s leg X-ray’s? Wouldn’t surprise me.

“We’ll return for the exciting conclusion of ‘Meemaw and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Shaw residence, in the garage at 1:38AM

BACK IN BLACK, I HIT THE SACK

I QUIT ON GIL, I WON’T TURN BACK

“Honnnneyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyy. It’s time to come to beddddddyyyyyyy-byyyyyyyy-why are you dressed like some prep student?”

“Woman, this is my Angus Young outfit and I am going to make loud music with my thang so I can go to bed satisfied!!!!!!!!!!! Sex won’t know what hit it!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Uh, Honey, that’s why I ordered the EREC-3500 Bill Monroe-Endorsed Medications. He said he took them when he was running out of ideas for Bluegrass music or what to do in bed.”

“That’s the difference between ol’ Bill and me, you have to know what to spin on the record player to get your erections in the right places. And you don’t play Don Gibson’s ‘Oh Lonesome Me’ when you’re attempting to turn a piece of twig into an iron beam to construct the Chrysler Building. You think the engineers used wimpy logs that could barely have sex with a snail? Pshaw!!!!!!!”

“Darling, put down da widdle guitah and come wid me so I can shake you all night long. What’s left of it anyway.”

“No way!!!!!!!! Now step aside, I got more jamming to do!!!!!!!!!”

I’M ON A HIGHWAYYYYYYYY TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M ON A HIGHWAYYYYYYYYY TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I have a Highway but you don’t have to go through Malcolm Young or Brian Johnson to get there. And I’m just as loud.”

“Mrs. Shaw, I’m like buttah, I’m on a rolllllllll!!!!!!!!!”

HAVIN’ TROUBLE WITH DR. PEARL

SHE’S GIVIN’ YOU THE BLUESSSSSSS

DIRTY DEEDS

DONE DIRT CHEAP!!!!!!!!!

DIRTY DEEDS

DONE DIRT CHEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, this is cheap, all right. Why don’t you stay at your day job-

“Like Hell I will!!!!!!!Wait’ll you hear my guitar solo on ‘T.N.T.’ My wee wee will win Milford Log Rolling Contest-“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Mrs. Shaw opens the garage door

“Sorry to bother you. I’m a paramedic. We received a call saying someone was screaming in severe pain. Like he was shot in the stomach and needed an enema.”

“I was losing my voice anyway. I finally ‘fessed up and took those pills from Milford Men’s Clinic like my wife ordered. And MAN I know now how Bill Monroe must have felt. I’ll bet he pumped it all night, then cranked out’Blue Moon of Kentucky’ like it was ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ in the morning. I was pickin’ and grinnin’ with my Honey ‘til the cows came home. Come pluck your own banjo without playing with yourself only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, a big THANK YOU for your patience. I was running another trip for my dad and I was again wiped out after the trip. But the fans have been super to me and deserve my best efforts. I hope you all liked it. God bless you all.


At Milford Nudist Colony where “Dirty Deeds(Done Dirt Cheap) is booming in the gym

“Mommy, why is Daddy hopscotching in the raw with that guitar? Does he have mosquitoes in his butt?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhh here, Keri, here’s a 50. Go over to the AC/DC souvenir shop and get as many albums as you want.”

2 Comments »

  1. Excellent stuff, Tdrew, and Jami continues to be an annoying little douche with no friends (other than Pedro and Toby, who are only being nice to him for the purpose of hooking up with Keri). I bet the geeky expression on Jami’s face as shown in the mirror is what he looks like when someone asks him if he has a girlfriend too. Ewwww….Nooooo!…Meanwhile, Keri should say “…shut the fuck up, you little wet-fart stain, before I kick you in the ass so hard that I break my other ankle…”. And I wonder if Gil will not be invited to HeeHaw’s old folks home TG dinner to be a continuation of one of the many side stories going on here. He’s actually pretty lucky if Emily & brats go without him so he doesn’t have to see HeeHaw try and chew her food or deal with mashed potatoes.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 22, 2022 @ 1:43 pm

  2. The “story line” thus far is such an unintelligible jumble that I didn’t realize at first that our local paper, which is edited by apes, ran tomorrow’s strip today. Not pasting it in as I don’t want to be a spoiler.

    Comment by vaganova — November 23, 2022 @ 9:58 am


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