This Week in Milford

November 29, 2022

You FAKED This Whole Video????

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:24 pm

Sorry, Gang, I had a mean streak and it’s nice where I’m among friends, knowing that mean streak is raison d’etre for This Week in Milford. For those of you reading Rex Morgan, you know they’re doing as much piddling around with plot development as here in Mudlarkland. It was bad enough that Mud Mountain Murphy was in the bathroom for several days and you think he was going to keel over from devouring anything not nailed down to the menu, plus I’m getting nightmares of Mud Mountain sitting splayed on the john getting food wastes through his derrière sprayed all over his overalls and boxer shorts that could house the Continental Army. But when he came out of the restroom, not only did he appear okay with not even a banana split ring around his collar but then today he confesses to Buck, the man who booked him for the show, that he staged the whole sickness so that he wouldn’t be the opening act. So Truck Tyler performed first and Mud Mouth Murphy was the headliner. I’m sorry, I couldn’t imagine the Milford VFW Accordion Troupe faking The Plague and making retching noises in some Port-o-Let just so Kiss and Aerosmith be the opener before them. Just sayin’.

And hoping and praying more than likely not be the case that Gil staged this whole thing, albeit with all the plots running around in diapers, I still have reasonable doubt. As an example, who EVER would see the day that Gil would even SUGGEST divorce with Mimi?

Then there was the time when Paul McCartney was so livid with the way Buddy Holly was portrayed in The Buddy Holly Story, that he produced his own version of Holly. Personally, since Holly is one of my idols, I welcomed this many times over. I really denounced the original movie. Holly would never cold-cock another individual. He got feisty and practically in the face of a show manager, another misconception. Then there was the Rolling Stone cover of Gary Busey, who portrayed Holly in the movie, with Holly’s Game Face. Much as I like Rolling Stone and respect Busey as an actor, that wasn’t Holly.

And this is pretty much Thorpiverse, EXCEPT WHAT MCCARTNEY WAS SAYING WAS TRUE AND ACCURATE, we’re really not sure what happened in ‘87 and who’s gonna know so let’s come up with our own version of Milford Football history and have Gil oversee the production when he’s not fighting off the SWAT team or delivering a six-pack of Fanta to Meemaw in her room at Milford Adult Center. Oh, Emmett Tays wasn’t in the game because he had to take a leak behind the bleachers? No problem, we’ll splice him into the 3rd-and-goal play where we’ll have him run over the nose tackle. The NT was offside anyway. Oh, let’s laminate this score from Sports Illustrated onto our scoreboard. The score was 65-43 from some basketball game in Iowa? Who cares? I’ll just tell ‘em the offense was supercharged that day. And overdub the comments where I was cussing out the line judge. Just use that acceptance speech I gave at the banquet. Somebody recorded it, right?

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE USA MEN’S SOCCER TEAM ON ADVANCING TO THE KNOCKOUT ROUND IN WORLD CUP SOCCER PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart was pounding all afternoon as we took on Iran in an elimination match. Long story short, loser was going home. After several attempts in the first half, USA finally broke through on a Christian Pulisic chip shot which he received from a nifty cross from Sergino Dest. In the second half, Iran had their chances but never punched through. Tim Weah from USA had a chance to put it away but got called on an either-way offsides call. And you want drama? Iran had one last brilliant attempt when an Irani got a super feed and was poised to strike but got thwarted by the USA goalie, Matt Turner. Trouble was, the ball squirted out towards the goal as a result of the collision but Walker Zimmerman of USA alertly kicked it away before the ball could ring true in the net. Ball game. Wow.

Here’s what’s interesting. Admittedly not strong on soccer rules, my guess is the extra nine minutes that was played after ninety minutes was time accumulated from all the stoppages of play (hence the term) . While it stunk, the rule makes sense. Just don’t let this go deep into Mudlarkland

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Disputes Valley Conference Rule On Accrual Of Stoppage Play!!!!!!!!! Will File Protest At Its Office This Week!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wasn’t on the phone with my broker for eighteen minutes, I don’t care what the refs said.”

At the Milford Lounge doors of the men’s bathroom

“REEEEETTTTCCCCCHHHHHHHG!!!!!!!!!!!!

RETTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

RETTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, you can ease up. Kaz left for Valley Tech a half an hour ago.”

Wait a minute. WAIT FOR THE SNAP???? Talk about a Duh Moment. No, Tays, I think I’ll just plow into the VT defenseive end and get called for illegal procedure and get penalized 5-10 yards (unbeknownst of Valley Conference rules on Illegal Motion penalties) . Let the fans bitch and holler and say the Mudlarks blew the game. If I had to do over, I’d plow into him AND Pedro and his dad. Hey, they didn’t have to be on the field.

One of my brothers was an offensive lineman for his high school and he never heard that at all. You blew the snap, you ran laps till you Gil’d. This is T-verse once again erecting this facade where it has you believing it knows more football than John Doe from all its years as a concession stand worker at Milford Pop Warner League. Okay, T-verse, wink, wink, I’ll watch my backside and wait until we actually hike the football. I wouldn’t want to get left out of Gil Thorp Hall of Fame of Fair Play (hmmmm, the HOF cabinet is perched next to the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects) . My life would come to a crashing halt. My kismet would be slated as an eternal Jay’s Subs driver. What would I tell the customers?

DING DONG

“Heckelhorn residence?”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a delivery for a Footlong Veggie Sub w/Milford Vending Veggie Chips, a Six Inch Meatball, Extra Tomatoes w/3 Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, and a Ham Stromboli, Hold The Mayo.”

“You look familiar.” SNAP!!!!!! “Yes!!!!!! I remember!!!!!!!! You’re the one who jumped the count and cost Milford the State Playdowns Championship back in ‘87.”

“Old news. Sorry, Sir, I can’t change anything more than $20.”

“No problem. Take this fifty. Go fill up the tank.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Paul McCartney Declines Revision Of Mudlark Game From 1987!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“McCartney Spokesperson: ‘Mr. McCartney didn’t have time to set the record straight when he’d seen the game anyway. The truth hurts, especially when a person has to see it again.”

Heard at Milford Lounge

“Mud Mountain Murphy is doing a concert here Friday?”

“Yeah, right after Coach Shaw does his Jazz Series Concert on Bud Powell.”

What would you expect in P2 when you see the Mudlark receiver getting open, even as the Coastal Carolina-tinged players are in hot pursuit of the Mudlark QB? If you answered a scene where The Gipper throws the winning score that would be recruiting video material for Milford Community College Football, you’re not alone. Ah, but us Thorp veterans know better. True, they have had their moments. 2014 comes to mind. But that gets drowned in a sea of bittersweet episodes that are more bitter than sweet and often asinine to beat that concept in the ground.

For those of you keeping score at home, Tays was wearing #21 back in July when Gil was retrograding his career. Okay, Gil had his Lifesaver Moment and was able to convince Tays not to go Lizzie Borden on his parents or teammates. Good advice.
Now fast-forward from This Mudlark Memory Brought To You By Milford Diner now available on DVD and a podcast if you have a workable cell phone to a few days ago when Tays was wearing either #3 or #8, hard to tell at the angle Tays is displaying. Then just yesterday, Tays was proudly exhibiting #7. I could understand (maybe) a transition of uniform from the Milford Memory to the game with Valley Tech on the present VCR. The #21 uniform got chewed up by the Tays family German shepherd and Gil had spares in Luhm’s broom closet adjacent to the Brillo pads.

But Gil may be a miracle worker and BS his way to many wins but no way can he perform the equivalent of turning the water at Cana into Sani-flush. Not in the same game, within minutes of each other. That must have been some kind of incantation Thorpiverse recited.

Then, to make matters more interesting, the QB appears black and I entertained the notion that Tays was all-purpose on offense. With his exhortation in P1, it would go hand-in-hand with my hunch in P2. Or at least, the ball was lateraled to Tays and he in turn threw a strike in the end zone (fingers crossed) . The problem is the QB/Running Back/Utility Offense/Someone They Shanghaied Off The Street And Sledgehammered A Helmet On Him And Force-Fed The Playbook To Him is wearing #2 and I reckon it’s a stretch to reason through pure logic Tays changed once again. With all these numbers, I bet I announced the winning digits for Milford Powerball. Go get your ticket, I got all night.

HEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry Lawler and Dirty Dutch Mantell turned 73 today. I know all of you out there were overwhelmed and overjoyed with the news. I don’t think their numbers will change in the ring on Milford Championship Wrestling on WDIG-TV. Whew!!! That’s a relief. I wouldn’t know what to do if Lawler changed from 73 to 37 when he’s getting smacked with a garbage can by the Moon Dogs.
And I can see the bill on the telephone pole

“This Friday night at Milford Gardens!!!!!!!!!

Dirty Gil Mantell

versus

Luke ‘The Animal’ Steele

Valley Conference Cage Match!!!!!!!!!!

No time limit!!!!!!!!!! No disqualification!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loser teaches at Valley Modified at half-salary!!!!!!!!

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!! Be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Why wouldn’t Milford go for it? What else can they do, they can’t kick a field goal AND WIN IT unless they have some 2-second onside kick drill they run in practice up their sleeves. We’re talking Gil here. Last-minute clever maneuvering is a mental overload in his medulla oblongata. Besides, it’s the Milford Way. You don’t watch Jerry Lawler get a couple of welts by some blubberbutt stooge like Freezer Thompson who has as much muscle tone as these plots have any point to them, then fail to return with a piledriver suplex on Thompson and learn what it’s like to watch a blob of Play-Doh bounce around all over the ring, then finally watch Lawler throw that blob of Play-Doh through the ropes. No, drastic action is what’s needed here and P2 is more than piling it on the plate. Milford is going to go for it and thereby not disappoint the readership by wussying out when Freezer and Luke are mapping out strategy. Milford is in its shining hour, no time to go get a corn dog. Especially when Freezer ate 3/4 of them anyway. Time to soldier on.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Sends Official Letter Of Complaint To Valley Conference Over Recent Volleyball Ruling!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Why should there be stoppage time after the 3rd set? We only spent three minutes looking for Coach Ochoa’s contact lens.”

Heard at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club

“Okay, then Mud comes on after Wild Wilma gets done thrusting the pole?”

“That’s the plan.”

Trying to piece through P3 with a little help from some commentary on Gil Thorp Go Comics, it would make no sense if he was in the end zone. Once you catch it in the end zone, no way could that be a fumble. It still might not be a complete pass but Luke the Loser couldn’t recover it. Not that anyone would expect Luke to think that far ahead.

The only conceivable scenario here is that the Mudlark receiver fumbled BEFORE he reached the end zone. Better chance of Luke being a hero and possessing bragging rights that he subsequently spit back in Gil’s face at Beth the Bartender’s place, at least that was the attitude anyway. Good thing because Luke is like Marty, long on mouth, short on ethics and decent-looking beards. But you can use Norelco on the latter. Be that as it may, the hapless Mudlark failed to tuck and Luke failed to tuck his mouth as a result. So here we are.

Don’t press “Rewind” on this one.

BTW, what happened to Beth the Bartender? Granted, she was out of town but so was Gil’s co-pilot. Are both being cryogenically preserved until next year’s awards ceremony? I mean, Thorpiverse, they had lines. They can join the Screen Actors Guild like Ronald Reagan did. And as long is Gil may be divorcing Mimi, he has his pick of the litter.

Gang, “Last House on the Left” was about as campy of a horror flick as I’ve seen in quite some time, IMO. With all due respect to Wes Craven (Nightmare on Elm Street) in his director’s debut, I found myself more irritated than frightened. I may not have cared for the violence in “Straw Dogs”, but I found it believable and scary. When LHL had the sheriff and his deputy running around all over Milford to locate the house that was victimized by the murderous ravaging slime that was on the lam, to me it was too much Dukes of Hazzard meets Freddy Krueger. Anyway

At the Shaw household at 10:15PM on a random Monday

“Honnnnnneeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy-byyyyyyyyyyeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Come out, come out, wherever you arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee!!!!!!!!”

CRAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Honey, why are you hiding in the closet? And why do you have the door locked?”

“Because I won’t have no woman bitin’ my wee wee off to get revenge for her family. I’ll stay right here where Weasel should have hid when he slaughtered Keri and Jami on the screen!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Darling, that was just a movie. Nobody is out to attack your person but yours truly.”

“WRONG!!!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!!!, MRS. SHAW!!!!!!!!!! The last Bozo who thought that got chopped up by Krug Stillo and his body parts donated to science at Milford Communuty College Bio Lab. I fully intend to keep my reputation as a man even if I have to snort the anorak odors here in this closet. I brought plenty of Renuzit Strawberry Kiwi Lemon Lime so the smell don’t get so stale. And I got my Gatling Gun in case ol’ Krug has any thoughts of busting the door down.”

“Wook, unwock de widdle dowah and let me show you that YOU are Krug and you can use your person to chop ME up.”

“No way, Woman!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see what Sadie did to Mimi????? Mimi was a dead log floatin’ around on Mudlark Lake where the algae ate up the rest of the carrion. Sadie ain’t about to send me on no log flume ride bleedin’ to death down the incline!!!!!!!! That’s why I got the garage door all hooked up with cable wire so can get her ass fried in case she tries to sneak in the back. I can sleep next to your pile of boxes of high heels in blissful harmony knowing she’ll get electrocuted without having to go to the chair.”

“I was wondering why the garage door wouldn’t open when I pressed the remote button.”

“Mrs. Shaw, I can watch the Bulls beat the Lakers when Michael Jordan ignored Bill Wennington and slammed it in the hoop himself here on my TV phone on ESPN History Channel. Steve Kerr hittin’ 3 after 3 because Will Perdue was like Gil, didn’t have a clue what to do with the ball, Man, I’m in Hog Heaven sittin’ on top of these old shirts I wore when I was playing Industrial League Slo-Pitch and catchin’ some action. And my manhood is safe!!!!!!!”

“Darling, If that’s what you’re worried about, I have news I read in the Milford Star. They reported that Krug received lethal injection yesterday at Milford Maximum.”

”I was tired of dodging the moths going after my high letter jacket anyway. And it was time to ‘fess up to my manhood. I marched right down to the friendly staff at Milford Men’s Clinic and got the treatment I needed to enhance my manhood and dump my impotency in the lake with Mimi and her remains. Come chop up your own ED problems and feel like Freddy Krueger in bed, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

At the Martinez household at bedtime

“What happened to your manhood??????”

“I’m sorry, Mi Miel, the dog chewed it off. My flunky assistant ordered a replacement. It should be coming UPS any day.”

In Gil’s office one afternoon

“No, Marty, this time I was talking to the resident nurse at Milford Adult Center!!!!!!!! I was double-checking to see if Meemaw received all her electric blankets. That didn’t warrant 25 minutes of stoppage time!!!!! You tell the Valley Conference Commisioner that!!!!!!!”


9 Comments »

  1. Yeah…fat pig Mud is a fuckin’ narcissistic tool for sure…that guy Truck should tell him that “…I’m never doing a show with you again, fat boy…if you doesn’t die of heart disease first, that is…now waddle along and go kick off your dog-shit covered boots somewhere else, dick-wad…”;

    And speaking of Mud, in Mud-lark reminiscence, just who is calling a standard football tackle “legendary” before it’s even completed? Is it Moon or is the voiceover coming from Luke? After all, Luke really is legendary….just ask him and he will tell you all about it…or don’t ask…he will still tell you all about it.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 29, 2022 @ 2:05 pm

  2. Except this is a fictional comic strip about a fictional character.

    Comment by henrybarajas — November 29, 2022 @ 3:59 pm

  3. Lucha Libre’s real-life performance in the big game as an All-State OLB: *One fumble forced…*

    Lucha Libre’s performance in the big game as an All-State OLB when he retells the story these days:

    Comment by hitorque — November 29, 2022 @ 4:00 pm

  4. @henrybarajas — DUDE! Welcome to TWIM! It’s a rare honor!

    I got three questions that have been absolutely KILLING me and I need your help:

    1. WHO was that buxom redhead who flew home with Gilberto after he picked up his COTY award from Capital City?

    2. In your headcanon, WHERE is Milford located? I always envisioned the Pennsyl-Tucky-Diana-Nois corridor but other daily contributors dispute this.

    3. HOW in the hell did Toby rainbow flick a FG attempt to himself and run it in for a TD?

    Comment by hitorque — November 29, 2022 @ 4:10 pm

  5. …and #4. Even though it’s fictional, when is Mimi going pro? Also, I like what you’ve done with Keri

    Comment by franku2016 — November 29, 2022 @ 4:36 pm

  6. With #17 voguing down the field & never looking back, I’d really have liked to see the miracle catch he fumbled before he sashayed away.

    Comment by Downpuppy — November 29, 2022 @ 8:10 pm

  7. @tdrewhardin: I’m sorry but I’m not gonna go down the rabbit hole of Rex Morgan MD with Haystacks Calhoun. I have a hard enough time keeping up with this strip as it is. That said, Mud Mountain Murphy’s feeding frenzy is reminiscent of Andre the Giant’s recollection as captured in Haystacks’ Wikipedia entry.

    @hitorque: I’d be quaking, too, if I had Idi Amin lined up across the line of scrimmage from me.

    Today’s post coming directly.

    Comment by teenchy — November 30, 2022 @ 9:05 am

  8. Here you go.

    1. When I took over the strip, Neal said that Gil pilots a single-engine plane. Ms. Holmes was his co-pilot. Maybe we’ll see her in July!

    2. I don’t have a definitive answer. Milford to me is everywhere and anywhere at all times.

    3. There’s a reason why it’s off panel. Use your imagination!

    Comment by henrybarajas — November 30, 2022 @ 2:22 pm

  9. Great job, Gang!!!!!!!!! You make me proud!!!!!!! Great stuff today!!!!!!!!

    Henry, I understand your points. Again, kudos for taking it like a man. We just havin’ fun around here. Look at Gil-Slaying as an Olympic-sport-in-waiting(ha). I stand by Frank and Hitorque because they’re funny and make hard-hitting AND valid points. They make any commentary ANYWHERE that much better. Same with Teenchy and Downpuppy while they’re commenting here. You da Man, Henry, I have spread the word about your contributions.

    Gang, God bless you. You all make America great. That simple.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 1, 2022 @ 10:20 am


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: