“Gil, Don’t Blame Yourself For This Tattoo I Got When I Was Doing 5-10 At Milford Correctional Institute.”

The track looks like that sad-looking job the hoods ran around on “To Sir, With Love”. Is Mark Thackeray chug-a-lugging right behind him? What’s this going to be, Kaz couldn’t cut it with the deadbeats so he transfers over to Senor Deadbeat and puts up with the deadbeats over at Valley Tech while Thackeray becomes Gil’s assistant? In this chimerical merry-go-round, stay tuned.

The movie itself was a sleeper and had an excellent storyline though many critics panned its believability (come around here, critics, where nothing is real and everything is unreal) . A teacher (Thackeray, played by Sidney Poitier) is using this position while he seeks employment in his designated profession, as an engineer. The students are rowdy and disrespectful and had been expelled from other schools, therefore initially a nightmare to Thackeray. But after an embarrassing incident that enrages Thackeray, he realizes that textbook-teaching is lost on these ragamuffins so he basically teaches Life 101 from that point on. The students are gradually won over and Thackeray is then somewhat able to incorporate some textbook-learning. Meet them halfway, they’ll take you all the way.

Gee, if that only worked that way at Milford. Well, the problem there is how can a constant no-show lead the Mudlark ragamuffins and otherwise to the Promised Land? Try to imagine a bunch of losers with no New Harmony Labyrinth to run around on with their leader playing beer caps at Milford Lounge with Beth the Bartender. The critics loathed the dubious transition of the hoods to a decent wage earner in about three weeks. Okay, fair enough but we’ve had NO transition here and I promise you, critics, I’ll take Corinna Karenna going from attitude to a combat boot up her butt in three weeks any day. It might be a bit far-fetched but it’s better than watching a guy kick to himself on the Immaculate Reception play. You do the math.

Gang, I love these food products that attempt to tantalize you by adding a state or city to the food product. Okay, Kentucky Fried Chicken, I’ll give you. Although Colonel Harland Sanders was actually born in Indiana (Henryville, just beyond Louisville’s metro reach, there’s even a marker for him. He was, though, buried in Cave Hill Cemetery in Louisville) , he started his claim to fame in North Corbin, Kentucky. While working as a factory worker, he employed his secret recipe and cooking methods at his moonlighting business. KFC skyrocketed from there.

But Boston Cream Pie???? Chicago Style Pizza???? Is there a Fargo Cream Pie that’s of inferior quality and gets fed to the chickens when the kids won’t eat it? Billings Style Pizza that they’re lining up for at an NFL game on Sunday? Wash that sucker down with a Bud. Couer d’Alene Meat Loaf that the peanut vendor is hawking at Mudlark Football games? Yuma Baked Potatoes that are scrumptious when dunked in a sour cream cooler? Rhode Island Buffalo Wings? Made with real buffaloes, raised and slaughtered at some farm just outside Pawtucket. Milford Style Crab Legs???? Maybe Mudlark Lake has a hatchery by one of the cabins.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Health Department Recalling Ottumwa Style Sausages Off Of Production Line At Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Plant!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Standard Procedure. We understand through reliable sources that the kerosene got mixed up with the sage additives in the Ottumwa processing plant and quality control was on break.”

At a random Milford High School classroom

“Well, what do you want to talk about today?”

“Mr. Thackeray, do you know Tae Kwon Do? Because the Milford National Guard is doing riot control drill here in 15 minutes.”

When Kaz points out that Gil is not to blame, we assume we are still on the topic of the video where Luke Lawler challenged Gil to a grudge match to retain the Milford Southern Heavyweight belt. I am assured that it’s not Gil’s fault his daughter whopped some girlie-girl up side her head although it is his fault that she got off lighter than Mike Knappe. And incidentally, what galls me is that he was in “Book ‘em, Dan-O” mode when Knappe was a smart aleck but far from a threat with a utensil he buttered his mayo on, but then goes right around and twists Dr. Pearl’s arm when his daughter was guilty red-handed of an offense that 99 times out of 100 gets a person suspended or expelled. Attaway to set an example, Gil, it wasn’t your kid getting shipped off to Valley Modified, I hope you sleep well.

Anyway, rest assured, it is not that incident nor the Raid at Entebbe that Kaz is referring to when they’re doing ring-around-the-rosie’s. We have to almost have to be staying in-topic and drawing from what happened in that video. And as long as we’re passing the buck by shining more of a light on Dr. Pearl’s bureaucratic deficiencies instead of Keri’s flagrant crime (par for the course) , why not stay on a roll? No, Coach, even if YOU elected to go for it and YOU were yelling your fool head off, willing Emmett Tays to the end zone, this game is not on you. Now usually, the bottom line is winning and when the team doesn’t win, it falls on the responsibility of the coach. But we saw what happened with responsibility in Dr. Pearl’s office. The Obvious got hauled out those prairie-style windows. That’s right, Thorp, teach everybody to own up to your stupidity but then hold a gun to Dr. Pearl’s head when it’s your own flesh and blood on that particular concept. If Thorpiverse isn’t holding him responsible for his daughter’s actions, why expect T-verse to hang him at high noon for this loss? Go ahead and nail Vince Lombardi, Bob Knight, Joe B. Hall, Chuck Knoll, Sparky Anderson, et al, anytime they don’t bring him the brass ring. But Thorp? There, there, Coach, you can’t help it if the timekeeper was blind and had to keep a running clock in Braille. Wanna go to Milford Diner after the game? Milford Style London Broil is to die for, I heard.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Endorses Final Approval Of Change Of Culinary Operations At Milford High School Cafeteria!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl reacted very enthusiastically to Armidillo Style Ho Ho’s. The other company was getting too expensive.”

If ya’s resortin’ ta be a factory worker cuz ya still got ta earn credits at Milford Comm’nity Coll-ije ta be an injun-eer, ya might be a redneck.

“The past has been sneaking up on me lately”???? Gil, who wheeled out the VCR???? Looks like YOU dragged the TV out for Orville Turtle to see because I guess the latter didn’t have “Last House on the Left” in his desk handy. I didn’t see Keri anywhere lugging this contraption in your presence while you were blackmailing Dr. Pearl into letting Keri off the hook because you claimed that she only used her plastic butter knife to chop up her Pocatello Style Twinkies. Coach Ochoa was too busy at volleyball practice to play the role of go-fer, and Gil was too lazy to look in the student directory for any emergency replacement. So Gil himself had to drag out the past that had been evidently peeping through the window for any action in Gil’s bedroom (nothing to report as of this writing) . Gil, the one thing I have learned when I don’t like something on TV is TURN IT OFF. If you want to watch Luke Lawler threaten to come after your job and you allow him to make you mad enough to want to divvy up his fat butt with a butter knife, that’s on you. Don’t drag the mechanism and plug it in, then blame the police because you went over to Luke & Family’s house and carved up more than the Thanksgiving turkey. But that’s Gil for you. Point the finger at the VCR when there’s a short in the wiring because he’s too lazy to call Luhm to replace the exposed copper.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Engineers Plea Bargaining Deal With Dr. Pearl To Avert Any Serious Consequences!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Keri will start 3rd shift tonight as a sanitation engineer at Milford Diner as part of her community service.”

In Doctor Pearl’s office with GIL-9000 serenading “Bouncing With Bud” by Bud Powell

“Dr. Pearl, does Mister Thackeray know how to fill out contract forms for the referees?”

“We’ll go over that at our Teacher Orientation Seminar in the Study Hall room, Gil.”

I liked Ned’s take on #1 Dad. My sister used to watch Seinfeld with a vengeance and just laughed her derrière at the show, so the video add was a more than welcome sight. And it’s a crock of justice watching Gil wear that shirt, given his forays with Beth the Bartender and his flippant approaches at the word “divorce”. Then with plots that have never really been established so that any salvaging of a relationship with his kids is getting melted in with the Tampa Bay Style Salisbury Steak at Milford Diner, it just confirms the notion that Gil needs to take off his shirt and see if he has any tattoos if his own. I hope he didn’t etch “Love my kids” since Kaz is at least honest with his tattoo. Maybe he has one on his butt. “Kick here”. Hmmmm, has a nice ring to it.

And what is it with the trees today? Does anybody in Mudlarkland know about horticulture???? WHEN did you ever see bare trees growing out of, say, an elm tree? Or sugar maple tree? Maybe there’s agricultural methods that have emerged out of the Research & Development Department at Milford Community College that have yet been untapped but if they result in this blood capillary pattern of a dinosaur, they better keep it back in the water fountain. I mean, those aren’t trees and their ensuing branches, it’s a satellite map of Estonia, back roads included. The nodes in the trees are all the Circle K’s dotted throughout the country. If you can photograph a bare tree growing out of your rose bushes with Yogi and Boo Boo and the rest of the Jellystone Park personnel posing in a yearbook composite, more power to you.

At Milford Diner women’s rest room stalls

“Ewwwwwwww. Who didn’t flush?”

“Get used to it, girl. You have 300 more hours of this.”

So now the jog around the mulberry bush complete, now Gil has something up his sleeve to throw a monkey wrench into the way practice is run. Interesting. This whole farce this Fall has one great big Snap-On Box-End tool that would put a Union Pacific engine out of commission.

But reluctantly playing along, what if Gil has everybody on the football team pitch in to help Mark Thackeray pack so the latter can make the transition easier at his new line of employment at Milford Engineering? We’d be staying with one plot for a while, that’d be the saving grace. It wouldn’t be sports but I at least can stomach football players hurling the last of Thackeray’s possessions into a U-Haul to earn another Sloppy Joe Saturday. It’d be an admission that Gil and Kaz need to go into engineering too because they can’t and don’t coach, let alone run around a track that’s regulation high school length. Thackeray would have at least admitted he was clueless. Gil needed to be reading the same want ads that Thackeray was reading in the movie.

“Chemical Engineer needed. Excellent pay & benefits. Must be willing to work different shifts and communicate with the associates on the floor. No cookbook chemistry here. Prior experience working with the public helpful. Softball playing ability will strongly be taken into consideration. Must have own transportation. If interested, contact Judy in Human Resources at Milford Foundry.”

Gil, tailor-made for you. The way you have been mixing plots lately, I’d fill out an application today. I think they even waived the application fee.

“Mechanical Engineer wanted at our new Milford Bath Magic location. Must be dependable and work in all kinds of temperatures and avoid scalding accident like the last resident engineer encountered. Great pay + benefits for the qualified candidate. Swimming ability helpful. Contact Don at 1-888-THE-BATH.”

Just watch your step when the tub’s loaded with suds, Thorp, and you have a career ahead of you.

“Civil Engineer needed. Must be willing to undergo various projects as mandated by The Honorable Mayor of Milford. Will work closely with the Tennessee Valley Authority to carry out blueprints on Dam Construction or Highway Maintenance designed to help our community while giving gainful employment to those in need. Must be willing to screen deadbeats just wanting a handout when checks are distributed at the pay window. If you like what you see, talk to Margie in EOE Department/TVA Office, Jackson, Tennessee in conjunction with Milford, USA.”

This really is better suited for Corinna Karenna. She can spot someone soaking off the system better than anyone delivering Manwiches. Career Horse’s Ass, right up her alley.

“We’ll be back to see who wins the 61st Annual Turkey Of A Mini-Marathon between Too Many Manwiches Thorp and Tattoo You Kaz after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Oh, that Marty is a barrel of laughs. What he will never tell you and something he confided in me when he first got behind the mike is that he and Tony Orlando were separated at birth. I was always wondering what those two women were doing in his garage when Peaches wasn’t around.

I actually finished 101st out of 278. Ok, Tattoo Head Kaz beat me but if I hadn’t had one Eggo too many that morning I would have cooked his butt in the sprint. It didn’t feel good chucking up Eggo’s in the sewer by the finish line. But in the end, knock three times and get the facts next time, Tony, and let Dawn announce the upcoming Valley Conference Girls Basketball schedule while you’re at it.

But enough on Tony Orlando and his tying a yellow ribbon around Dr. Pearl’s bee hive. Tennessee Pride, while we’re on the subject of bad rumors going around like bad sausage links that were found under your water heater, have been laying some shiners on our fine product, Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. I won’t idly stand by and let our sows get slaughtered until they are stamped with the Gil Thorp Seal of Approval. Believe me, Tennessee Pride will not send my fine sausage products to get sprayed with Turtle Wax at the car wash.

They say we have been using Bangor Style Bacon as a surrogate for Gil Thorp Hardwood Smoked Wood Chips Fed Bacon products. Where they got their information can only be found at the slot machines at Milford Gaming Casinos. They say we have a steady stream of semi’s traveling out of Maine down I-95 to our processing plant. The driver gets his cut and the sausage still tastes the same.

If you believe that, I have property behind Milford Kiwanis Club Playground to sell you. Our bacon paraphernalia is raised right here locally and the only trucks we use are registered with Milford Bureau of Motor Vehicles. No truck drive digresses from his route to pick up Topeka Raised Hogs to grind into the machine to produce Gil Thorp Pure Pork Applewood Thick Cut Bacon.

Then Tennessee Pride continued their mud campaign by accusing us of getting our sausage burgers out of the McDonald’s in Florence, Alabama. Now where’d McDonald’s get their pigs, the Tennessee River? This is just mud-slinging out of their pig slop to defame our Gil Thorp Pure Pork Wyoming Style Italian Sausage. We have nothing to do with McDonald’s other than a place to go when our associates are taking an hour lunch. If Tennessee Pride would spend more time cleaning out their pig sty and less on what salad we order at Burger King, it’d be a better world.

But this one takes the cake. They’ve accused us of having transactions with The Mob in relation to our Gil Thorp Pure Pork Walla Walla Raised Polska Kielbasa. Kickbacks and payolas abound at the cash register when the soccer mom has Gil Thorp Polska Kielbasa rung up. Let me assure you, I have never seen June Cleaver ever use her Visa Gold, except at the ATM. To think she bought her Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Biscuits-12 Pack in exchange for heroin in discreet packaging that Ward pulled out of the James River in Virginia simply makes no sense. The only white stuff I’ve ever seen June purchase is mayonnaise to slop on her Kielbasa. Oh, and the Biz detergent she purchases every other week.

You be the judge. You can listen to the ugly rumors that would be better off being sent through the sausage grinder on our third floor in the packing department or you can go ahead and trust the process and buy a package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Bacon ‘n’ Pancakes. For me, rumors are like Don Noort, yeah, Coach Knight will play him in Garbage Time but they both disappear once the season ends. Come buy a package today, in your grocer’s cooler.”

Gang, that wasn’t Gil dancing with that girl in “To Sir, With Love”. He doesn’t move in bed, why would you expect him to do the same on the dance floor?

But God bless you, Gang.

In Gil’s office one day

“Man, me and Thackeray will be living large working at Milford Engineering. That bridge project will take care of me the rest of my life. Now to mail off the acceptance letter.”

A couple of prospective players come in

“You’re leaving? Good!!!!!!! Coach Luke will be in your office next year and he said you couldn’t even motivate your wife in bed. We won’t have to worry about your manhood being shipped somewhere else because there never was anything to ship. See ya, Loser!!!!!!!!!”

Coach Thorp sits and ponders

RRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advertisement