“…Sputter, Splat, Steal, Squirt, Scrape,…”

Onomatopoeia

This silly plot’s a-peein’

Our senses in a bubble

And we just keep disagreein’

We get a feeling in our hearts that needs prescribed

It’s sort of dumb, bum, crum, numb

A sound from the strip, not worthy to describe

It’s sort of zoom, zip, hiccup, drip

Flop, flap, crunch, crack

Barf, pewwww, whine, quack

I mean, how do you STEAL so that you can hear the sound when you’re getting pickpocketed? For those of you unfamiliar with the word “onomatopoeia”, it’s a word whose examples are often literary devices. The word itself means a word created from a particular sound it makes. Like “buzz”. Or “quack”. Or “tweet”. I have often heard birds in the night, when I’m running trips for my dad, like “bob-WHITE” or “Whip-poor-WILL”.

My inspiration for today’s post comes from Todd Rundgren’s vintage “Hermit of Mink Hollow”. I have loved that whole album since I was knee-high to Jami when he was in preschool (not when he’s currently in D & D Round Robin Tournaments) and especially “Onomatopoeia”. When I read that supposed “the author really meant to say ‘buzz’ when the Forest View ape got the beach ball picked clean’, I struck while the iron QUACKED.

Thorpiverse is leaving himself wide open today. Oh, let me count the bob-WHITES. First off, that has to be the lamest trash talk I have ever heard. King Kong Bundy who could use a little Ultra Slim-Fast trying to emulate Wilt Chamberlain. I don’t know which is going to sink to the pits of The Bucket Clam Chowder pot broiler first, the ‘62 Mets or this basketball plot. Bob Knight had a long-standing feud with Dale Brown, the great LSU Men’s Basketball coach. Once, when asked by the reporters about the upcoming season, Knight replied “I was overwhelmed with the great opponents and told my team we have work to do. Then I saw Dale Brown’s name and I went to go get a cup of coffee.” Really, King Klunk, if you’re going to garbage-speak to the rack, pull up your britches and stop sounding like Homer Simpson’s dad. Or go get a cup of coffee yourself once you go back to the bench. There’s the old story about a baseball player who was long in years getting heckled by a fan, calling him a “has-been”. The player shot back “Better a has-been than a never-was”. King Klunk, you’re a “never-will-be”. Sit down.

What’s up with these colors???? Barf Blue???? Terrible Teal???? Light Gangrenous Green???? I wouldn’t even go Carolina Blue on this one, something that’s been the bail-out color as of late. When you couldn’t find the colors for persimmon pink or crab’s testicles red under the writing desk because the janitor didn’t read the instructions (“Please don’t throw away. I actually use them, especially for the interior decor for Gil’s kitchen and living room”) , there was always Carolina Blue to save the day. And it could be liberally applied. Gil’s commode. Heehaw’s face, either when she’s on her deathbed or she’s huffin’ and puffin’ on the Milford Adult Center Weight Room exercise bike. Hostess Twinkies in the school cafeteria. Heck, who’s noticing, they’re watching Chance Macy make a King Klunk out of himself on the cafeteria table anyway. Shoot, I bet Dr. Pearl dyes her beehive in that color. But today, Stale Blueberry Pop Tart Blue is the bill of fare. Boy, doesn’t King Klunk just intimidate you with his smack and choice of uniform? Damn, I dropped my Barf Brown Cinnamon Pop Tart.

Larry Bird was king of the trash talk and he talked it with the best of them. Once, in a Celtic blowout of an opponent on their turf, Bird is just blistering their nets. After bombing one in the corner out of nowhere to add to the opponent’s misery, Bird flies by their bench and shoots out “Coach, ain’t you got ANYBODY on your team that can guard me?” If you can back it up, as the old saying goes

“Don’t you have anybody that can stop me?”

“Just hand the Milford Police your keys and shut up, King Klunk. And take the Breathylyzer Test.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rundgren’s Negotiating Team Possibly Close To A Pact With The Milford Choral Director For Upcoming Concert!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We feel we can get everybody on time, sopranos included, to the ‘All The Mudlarks Sing’ concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater after they’ve sung the National Anthem at Gil’s reserve game.”

And with all the BUZZ about this CRAP that just absolutely REEKS and BARFS and will more than likely SPUTTER down the road, something we need to SPIT out of our throats and let it WHIZ on by, we get a weak-ass of a Batman BAM in P1???? I’ll even settle for KLUNK. It would describe a lot of things in all three panels in one onomatopoeia phrase, mainly how this KLUNKer is BOMBING out.

Personally, I really can’t see Batman and The Conehead (geez, what does his gang look like?) going at each other with a BAM or POW or THWANG or KAPOW, either in The Conehead’s hideout (that he shares with The Joker) or on the basketball court today. The Conehead tell Batman he has less game than Monopoly? That they be callin’ Batman “Unlucky Hunter” because Batman’s got no game? They be callin’ Batman “Broken Vacuum Cleaner” cuz he be suckin’ pretty bad? Danny Ainge once said about Greg Kite when they were with the ‘84 Celtics “They call him The Maytag Man. He never gets called to work.” Yeah, that’s right, Conehead. Batman is The Maytag Man. He rides the pine when he’s not rescuing Robin from The Penguin’s Venus fly-trap. Whatever.

Moreover, that has got to be the worst backdown job I’ve ever observed. Man, Shaq’s grandma could move ‘em down better than Yul’s great-grandson is doing on the Mudlark in P1. He couldn’t back down The Penguin with that anemic BAM that apparently is the Noise du Jour at this moment. Heehaw could do a better backdown performance on Dr. Pearl. Without her cane. Sad.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Denies Any Implications When Singing ‘You Cried Wolf’ For Rundgren’s Upcoming ‘All The Mudlarks Sing’ Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi and I have had issues under the sheets but I’m not about to blow the whistle yet.”

We approach the crux of this whole post, ol’ Klunkhead getting STOLEN from the Mudlark defender. Lordy, it’s bad enough that Spudtop really has barely more game than Old Maid and he trash talks on the same nivel as Edith Bunker but do we really have to get exposed to the most unsightliest crotch shot this side of the Gateway Arch? If that’s not a sack of potatoes wrapped up in somebody’s Milford 5 & 10 gym trunks, we’re in jeopardy.

Then the STEAL comes into play. Again, I’m raiding the vaults because this is apropos, IMO. Sergeant Carter once caught Gomer Pyle slacking off on some chore and Sergeant Carter rings him out, exhorting that Gomer is STEALING, STEALING (exact words) from Uncle Sam. Gomer takes this to heart so much that when the soldiers are lining up one day at the pay table to get their pay, Gomer hands back a 20 or two to the bewildered pay officials.

“Pyle!!!!!! You are STEALING, STEALING!!!!!!”

“Shazam, Coach Thorp, but that was the winning layup.”

I’m aware that Thorpiverse is trying to be innovative but NOBODY makes a STEALING sound. There’d be more idiots behind bars at Milford Maximum Correctional Facility eating the same crummy chow with Mr. Bader if that were the case. Mimi did not STEAL that Bubble Yum for her kids and stick it in the People Magazine that she impulse-bought at Milford Wal-Mart. Marty Moon did not STEAL that bottle of Jack Daniels from Milford Beverage Warehouse and sneak it up in the broadcast booth shortly before game time. Gil did not STEAL Kaz’s boxer shorts so he wouldn’t get knocked down for crotch odor when Dr. Pearl executed the teacher evaluations. Milford has STOLEN several wins courtesy of the Homer referees who STOLE away to their cars to avoid a lynching from the New Thayer crowd or Goshen crowd but both made as much noise as Gil’s sex life. Quiet as a mouse.

“STEALING, STEALING!!!!!!”

“Folks, we’re taking Dungeons & Dragons a bit too seriously. Time for bed.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Rundgren Camp Deny Personal Allegations From Album In Light Of Upcoming Concert!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Rundgren Spokesperson: ‘’Bag Lady’ was by no means intended for any references to Miss Heehaw’s living status at Milford Adult Center.’”

All the children sing

All the birds are chirping harmony

The scent of love is in the air

Sunset all to seeeeeeee

The Angel of The Lord

Just declared plot’s not worth a thinggggggggg…

Todd, that song will give me a rush forever

Then I want to know what happened to this Gruesome Twosome that was announcing at Milford Football games? Marty is back by his lonesome? Not that snakes are really great company, be it in the broadcast booth or in the front passenger seat when you’re driving on vacation to Yellowstone but it’s still posing more questions than answers for me.

Was there a “Truth or Consequences” episode filmed in Milford and Bob Barker was taking a break as an emcee to hook up with Moon? I really couldn’t see Marty returning the favor and co-hosting on Bob’s Show. Like, what would Marty do, tell the joke that determines whether the contestants will have to participate in some quirky competition to get $50?

“Okay, here’s the joke. What’s the difference between Gil’s breath and the basketball plot?”

Silence

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Time’s up. Gil can always go back to the restaurant and retrieve the peppermint candy he forgot when he was paying at the cashier’s desk. Now, since you didn’t tell the truth, you’ll have to pay the consequences…”

Anyone really honestly picturing Marty there? Didn’t think so.

What’s Marty going to do, co-host with Bob on The Price is Right?

“Betty Buttrucker, COME ON DOWN, you’re the next contestant on The Price is Right!!!!!!”

No.

Therefore, Marty will have to go it alone when he is announcing “Loose Ball” or “Three-Point Play” or “You need to go back to Official’s School, Homer” or “Gil should be getting his Gemology Degree any day now. The team will finally obtain a real coach” or “Homer nailed King Klunk with a T for Excessive Crack Exposure” or “Mimi told Vic Doucette that the day he returns to the mike, Hell and WDIG will both freeze over” or “time out on the floor”. But Marty’s a big boy. He doesn’t need Dickie V. or Vickie D. as a crutch.

Dr. Pearl in her office, her 1911 Scratch ‘n’ Play scratching out Todd Rundgren’s “Fade Away”

“STEALING, STEALING”

“Ms. Rizk, the donuts in the faculty lounge WERE getting stale.”

CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS

“What was that, Your Highness?”

“No clue, Coach Kim. Gil’s been calling and singing like that since I beat his butt the other day.”

For goodness sakes, as the overwhelming majority have pointed out at the Gil Go Comics site, nobody in the history of high school, college, or pro broadcasting says “At the end of the fourth quarter”. And granted, men’s college hoops play twenty-minute halves but even then you’d get blackballed off the broadcaster’s list if you said “At the end of the second half”. Baby, that’s when THE GAME ENDS. Even if it’s a tie, we just move on. We go to OT if one team doesn’t have more points than the other.

And I’m sorry, I have a credibility issue with King Klunk getting his jockstrap picked clean and then shortly thereafter Toby drains a three, as if he’s the Second Coming of Reggie Miller. And usually if the loser gets STOLEN from, it normally leads to a 3-on-2 or 2-on-1 break at the other end. The Mudlark STEALS the ball, throws the outlet pass, then John Mengelt or Greg Kite BOMBS one from the popcorn stand? Mengelt (Rob is going to kill me…) has had more floor burns and missed tackles than 3-point rainbows (pardon the pun) emanating out of the men’s room stemming from a fast break. Nobody in feeder league basketball teaches kids to shoot 3-point layups on a break down the floor. Maybe Gil does but he’s the one scheduling all these Pro Wrestling brutes that wear Forest View Barf Light Chartreuse on their uniforms. Definitely consider the source on this one.

“That’s the end of the fourth quarter, with the score, Milford, 77, Forest View, 64. We are still calling the State Athletic Associatiin to make sure they did pass the resolution that the fourth quarter does indicate the end of the game. We’ll be back for a final ruling after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“My heart was broken when I found out that Coach Kaz was leaving us to be a lifetime assistant over at Valley Tech. I know he enjoys being a yes man because he was a big-time butt-kisser here. I only wish he would have kissed mine. You know how horny us women get.
Since he won’t be around to savor my chiseled sexy body, I had to explore viable alternatives. Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and I cried night and day because Coach Kaz wouldn’t appreciate a 537-pound woman if one slam-dunked on him in the paint. It was up to me to pursue the Stairway to Heaven if I wanted to ride off into the sunset with more than Tonto’s horse.

Was I ever in luck. Milford Christian Singles Match Made in Heaven & Sons was just the ticket for my long-suffering days of sleeping in bed with my 1951 Edition Raggedy Ann doll. I sent in my information and made it very clear that I didn’t want anybody claiming the Pope or Billy Graham at the altar, then trying to get into my Levi’s after the Plan of Salvation was thoroughly explained. They wrote back in a courteous and professional manner and assured me that nobody had any plans of statutory rape or even close to the crime. They used “Nobody would ever commit a felony with a baboon” as an excellent rule of thumb.

This endowed me with a generous amount of assurance when I went on my date. He was a Methodist by trade and seemed like a nice chap. We went for a hike at Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and took the Easy 1-Mile Hike to explore the wonders of nature. It would have been a romantic evening for the ages if the footbridge hadn’t have collapsed. Even if I wonder why they don’t make those elm bridge supports with a higher factor of safety in terms of weight, we still had a marvelous time. I took all the back seat in his car but that protected me in case he tried to make a move.

The next week, lo and behold, Milford Christian Singles managed to track down on their computer another catch, straight out of the sea. He was desperate after his wife dumped him for a Valley Conference Basketball Referee so I was his damsel-in-waiting. He was a Wesleyan and a member of his church’s Finance Committee. He even showed me the books while we ordered. I was fascinated at his faith in Christ and he even drank the Chablis because, well, Jesus drank wine. Now if he could only transform my corpulent structure into a body like Keri, me and my date could trip the night fantastic and I wouldn’t trip over the “Wet Floor” sign.

They also put me in the Miracle of Life promo that they have. If the date says yes, he pays for everything and you get a week’s stay at the Milford Marriott with live entertainment with Kiss and the Marshall Tucker Band guaranteed to hit the stage. And oh, the all you can eat buffet with lobster and T-bone. As soon as my date calls, I will be there with my Levi’s on. Milford Christian Singles reassured me that they actually return the call from time to time. That’s the beauty of the promotion. I can’t wait.

Hey, Coach Kaz will find out he’s not the only game in town. With Milford Christian Singles Match Made in Heaven in my corner, this sexpot can have her pick of the litter while Coach Kaz can go dump his litter in Luke Loser’s waste basket. Come indulge in the wonders of Love and still call yourself religious at the one place where you will keep your pants on once you’ve left the office. May God bless them.”

I disagree, Gang. That isn’t Westworld in P1. Yul Brynner was shooting a gun, not a basketball. And he didn’t display that ugly gut. Somebody needs Weight Watchers pronto.

But God bless you, Gang.

At Milford High School Payroll Office

“Did Coach Thorp just hand back his paycheck?”

“Yeah. I heard him mutter that he’s been STEALING STEALING for 60 years.”

At the Thorp household one late night

“Come on, Woman. Like Todd sings, show me some Determination.”

“You should talk. I don’t see any from the lower end.”

“…snort, snuf, steal, sniff, smack,

honk, hoot, Gil, hack, belch…”