This Week in Milford

January 17, 2023

“…Spare A Dime? We Play On This Basketball Team…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:03 am

Gang, I don’t know about you but Tobias is getting to be like Dr. Rex’s kids. It was bad enough that Rex’s babysitter was a sniveling bitch but now the kids are getting brattier and brattier because Mrs. Morgan isn’t getting home fast enough to get started. Geez, can’t the Stouffer’s Microwaved Meat Loaf wait, for cryin’ out loud? I knew she should have bought 20 World’s Finest from Toby and Darrius to shut ‘em up. I mean, stick a Totino’s Super Bowl Pepperoni in Tobias’ mouth already and while you’re at it, the embouchures of all the Morgan kids. Yeah, go to your room with Totino’s Pizza Rolls stuffed in your cheeks.

Mrs. Morgan, or June as they call her in Glenwood, was grocery shopping, then got Thorpiversed, first by a man who fell on his butt on the slippery parking lot, then by a man who was a diabetic who darn near fainted because his sugar level was low. Now she’s racing home past Kaz who still has to sign his life away with Luke Loser and Lord only knows what transpires after that. Sarah and her two younger brothers at the bonfire? Plot filler if I ever saw one.

It’s just that, again (!!!), Tobias is getting to be like those rug rats. And it is getting on my nerves and I daresay I’m not the only one who feels that way. I personally could excuse the plot-stretching that involved Toby kicking to himself for the winning score. Okay, never played football before, pulled off something that would be questionable in reality to engineer, but we swallowed it, well, because June is coming home with the Happy Meals and Rex’s kids will cease bouncing off the wall.

But then Tobias has a career game against Joe Schlabotnik High which is really stretching it. That’s like expecting Rex’s kids to behave even with a growling stomach by doing the New York Times Crossword in the Glenwood Enquirer. But all right, hand the kids the Bic’s Disposable Pen’s and hope for the best. It’s when Toby has a party and a bonfire where Keri ends up on Milford Peaks ski slope smooching with Pedro and Darrius endures the 7-Year Hangover at practice on Monday that push matters over the edge. Okay, make the snots do the crossword but don’t feed them Spam until June finally comes home.

The final straw had to be pissy-faced Toby in the last game. Toby, welcome to sports. If your head is so far up Dr. Rex’s stethoscope that you can’t tell June from the geezer who fell on his rear end because someone forgot to salt the parking area, you deserve to ride the pine. Corey Ray, who played for University of Louisville Baseball was once asked “How do you stay so sharp?” His answer was a gem: “All I know is Coach Mac(Dan McDonnell) never chewed you out. The bench was message enough.” As Billy Martin once said “I communicated with the lineup card.” Make Toby and the Morgan brats eat turnip greens dipped in linseed oil. And their babysitter while we’re at it. If that isn’t communication, God didn’t make World’s Finest in the summertime.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Seen On Street Corner By Coffee Cantina Peddling World’s Finest Chocolate!!!!!!!! Says Sales Will Defray Some Of Moving Van Expenses!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My severance went partly to my retirement but I had bills to pay. If I sell 300 World’s Finest this week, I’ll be able to pay closing costs.”

“…and another thing, the way I communicate is with the lineup card. Any questions?”

“Gil, these are second grade golf students you’re instructing.”

Gang, this past Saturday was my fifth anniversary with this site. I was reluctant to say anything because anybody who knows me knows “There’s no ‘I’ in the word TEAM”. Hey, YOU are the ones who make it happen. YOU keep me going. I have said for five years, I’ll say it now. I am NOTHING without the readers. This is YOUR milestone, Gang. As Coach Stuard always said “Us coaches take the losses, you players take the wins.” This is YOUR victory, Gang. Enjoy it.

God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

I don’t know which is worse. Darrius and Tobe panhandling for basketball funds, then eventually devouring some of the profit or Dr. Rex putting up with his snarly munchkins in today’s strip. Dr. Rex, you do use a paddle when your kids are getting disrespectful? Or do you go Gil on us and let Homer the Referee call for Domino’s delivery? Man, Dr. Rex, smack ‘em upside their head if they’re getting that mouthy or go follow Coach Kaz to Valley Tech. Milford already has Rick Scott.

I like how one of Dr. Rex’s kids semi-desperately requests making a frozen pizza. That’s right, when Mom Morgan can’t make it on time to put the Lean Cuisine Chicken Cacciatore Subsumida sul Vino e la Salsa de Pesce and Toby can’t sell any $1.00 Specials out of the recycled cardboard box that Carol Merrill, er, Darrius is carrying, the plot can always hit the microwave and press “Frozen Entree”. Pizza qualifies, trust me. Don’t forget to get the defrosted slop when finished or the beeper will keep beeping forever. Who wants to be reminded ad infinitum that the defrosted plot has been whining for two hours? Besides, you think the Morgan kids are going to let that beeper carry on and on when they’re so hungry they could eat a vape stick? You think Tobe and Darrius are going to stay out there longer than the basketball plot? Selling chocolate and vape sticks to soccer moms and little old ladies from Pasadena to finance a new backboard? Are you serious? Perish the thought.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz To Be At Grand Opening Of His New Business, Kaz’s Klassy Vape Shoppe!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We’ll be giving away free Taryton cartons to the first 200 customers.”

“The way I communicate around here is with the lineup card.”

“Coach Ochoa, does that mean I’ll be starting ahead of Darrius this Friday?”

I have done a million (give or take a thousand) kids sports fundraisers, therefore I can relate to P1 and can relate to P2 as well. As I learned, you get a lot more “no’s” than “yes’s”. Nature of selling. But you have to stay with it and be aggressive without being obnoxious. One year, I was hawking our high school cross country yearbooks and sometimes I felt like I was hawking rubber dishes or Gil’s Brylcreem but then I’d hear “Sure, I’ll buy one.” It would keep me going and I’d get more “I’ll take one’s”. It was fun and worth it.

I just chortle when I see that box. Did they ever think of sitting at a table where people can see the merchandise? Otherwise, for all we know, Darrius could be selling titanium airplane parts, for a dollar naturally. C’mon, nobody is going to spend $20 for a titanium wing that was once part of a Delta plane that laid over at Milford International once a week. Where would you hang it in the wall? Next to that “Senecio” painting by Klee? Other cubist works like Picasso’s “Mimi With a Mandolin” (Mimi’s hair at one with the instrument) or Paul Cezanne’s “Quarry Bibemus”? By the bust of Salmon P. Chase? Put it on the coffee table by the ash tray. Oh, be careful, that was once a masterpiece.

Is Darrius carrying bombs? What would be the sales pitch?

“Can I interest you in buying a stick of dynamite? They’re only a dollar.”

“No, I’m waiting for Black Friday.”

or

“I suppose you wouldn’t want to by some TNT to help raise money for our Basketball team?”

“No thank you, we already bought some at Costco.”

or

“GET YOUR BOMBS HERE!!!!!!! ONLY ONE DOLLAR, ONE HUNDREDTH OF A BENJAMIN!!!!!!!!! HELP SUPPORT THE VALLEY TECH FOOTBALL PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!”

“Sure, Kaz, I’ll buy one.”

“Thanks, Pedro.”

Used records?

“Would you be interested in buying ‘Hank Snow: Live Comeback at Milford Union Hall Local 808’?”

“No thank you, I already bought ‘Deep Purple: Made in Japan’ at Kohl’s.”

I’ll stick with World’s Finest in the box. For now.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Named Night Manager At Coffee Cantina After Lengthy Deliberation!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“CC owner: ‘His can-do attitude jumped off the page. We had several praiseworthy candidates but in the end his ability to motivate our personnel to change the latte filter before the opening Coffee Hour show act sent this decision over the edge.”

“Would you be interested in buying a Marlboro Menthol Vape Stick to fund our Honors Program for Chemistry and Physics?”

“No thank you. What are you doing selling this stuff here at Milford 5 & 10 Variety, Dr. Pearl?”

“The other sales help failed to present himself.”

Oh waaaaaaaaaaaa, Darrius. Get over it.

This is what’s making these daggone plots so maddening. They flit like the moth in your closet and you have to resort to Raid to fish it out if you don’t strike it dead on the first spray. But then to compound the travesty, T-Verse has Darrius behaving like Dr. Rex’s kids. Do we HAFTA sell these candy bars at the grocery store? Ooooooo, I don’t want to sell candy at Bud’s across the lot. Bud has cooties. I don’t wanna sell frozen pizzas, Daddy say’s Totino’s makes him fart. Mom, Tobias pinched me in the butt. Daddy, what did that man mean that chocolate puts him in estrus?

BTW, what IS this Bud’s in the background. Thorpiverse is always trying to impress with store names that make halfway decent sense. I mean, Butthead’s Bargain Outlet leaves a little to be desired. Stinky’s Ford Dealership leaves us hanging. No, I’ll give T-Verse points for not presenting Toilet’s Toy & Hobby Shop on the wide screen.

But again, what IS Bud’s store in business for? Well, it can’t be another grocery store unless the lady who vetoed the World’s Finest sales was walking out of the Amityville house. A restaurant? I’ve never seen McDonald’s resemble a warehouse or department store. No, I don’t think it’s a car dealership. Stinky’s Ford has that covered. Maybe a men’s store? Maybe. Bud’s Big & Tall would have a nice ring to it. So does Bud’s Sporting Goods. Bud’s 30-Minute Oil Change might work in that airplane hangar structure presently standing. If the airplanes can fit, oil changes, except for maybe semi’s, should be a snap. Bud’s Work Clothes could also be possible. Better than Toilet’s Work Clothes.

“Where’d you buy those Dickie pants and work boots?”

“Toilet’s had a BOGO sale.”

And really, Bud’s Work Clothes for Fat-Asses just won’t cut it. Maybe that’s why we just see Bud’s. Better than Toilet’s Fat-Ass Emporium, I suppose.

“I want that Totino’s and I want it NOW!!!!!!!!”

“Do you let your kids talk to you that way, Gil?”

“Sorry, Rex, I’ll go get my belt.”

If ya sell World’s Finest Deer Rub at the entrance of Milford Guns & Ammo ta help pay fer tha prop-er-tee taxes at Milford Conservation Club and eat what ya don’t sell and add some Queso dip ta tha said edibles, ya might be a redneck.

Tobias, if you are trying to overcome your whiney crybaby image, today’s panel didn’t help. P3 is Exhibit A for any foot-shooting maneuvers. Tobias blasted his lower appendage off to Pluto. Are you absolutely kidding me, Thorpiverse? Both Darrius and Toby act like Rex’s Rats, then wonder why nobody’s buying from them? Get real.

Then they have the audacity to suggest selling something they couldn’t sell as a minor and even if they were adults, what would be the point? Selling the Marlboro Man to benefit the Milford Swimming team? What are they going to do, display him next to the championship banners? “Oh look, Junior, there’s your sister’s name on the Valley Conference Champions banner, right under the Marlboro Man’s boots.” Yeah.

Why don’t these yahoos just go to Milford Cigar & Smoke Shoppe and stock up on cigars? As long as they’re moaning and groaning, they might as well be selling Muriel Cigar boxes at the entrance of Bud’s Toilet Warehouse and smoke a couple when sales are slow. When that lady in P2 refuses to loosen her budget for chocolate or cigars, drastic affairs are in order. And if Bud’s closes for the night, Frick and Frack can always shift to PO’s Chicken Shack. I understand they make a mean cole slaw.

“We’ll return to see if Dr. Rex Morgan followed through on that OTC prescription of Pepto-Bismol to address Tobias’ diarrhea problems due to excess consumption of World’s Finest after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Morgan household one night

“Whew!!!!! My, what a day. Thank God I managed to send that gentleman to the hospital after he slipped on a grape and tore out his gluteus maximus. I hope they don’t have to amputate. Oh well, never mind. Let’s get down and dirty and forget our troubles.”

“June, I am ready to be a man and you’re going to like it. I practiced my machismo on those kids when they flipped me off because we had no more Eggos to throw in the toaster. I told them no Oreos until payday. Now it’s time to take charge of YOU!!!!!!!!”

“Oh Rex, I’ll have your Red Baron’s Square Pepperoni Pizza out of the oven quicker next time. And I want your DiGiorno’s Thick Crust right now, right this very-uh, never mind.”

“Honey, I’m confused. I am crossing the Rubicon of masculinity and your elephants got caught in the microwave. What seems to be the problem?”

“Rex, you need to put your person on life-support. I’d rather argue with the kids over where to store the Chips Ahoy! than to get sexually excited over your gummi worm. What did you take for your ED problems, Laffee Taffee?”

“Darling, that is no way to talk to a man. I didn’t take any fluff from the kids and I backed it up by cutting their Game Boy usage by 15 minutes. And I won’t take any fluff from you.”

“Unfortunately, if we pursue our sexual cooperation any further, that’s all I’ll be getting is fluff. You could put your person in the cookie jar with the rest of the Oreos and nobody would notice. If you don’t mind, I’d rather not have sex with the Big Fig Newton.”

“Now please don’t increase the agitation factor. I sent Sarah to her room with only 10 pieces of pizza. And I took away her Parmesan cheese privileges. If you’re not careful, I will not be responsible for my lack of medical ethics. I will violate the Hippocratic Oath and do lots of harm to your femininity. Now let’s get down and soiled.”

“Rex, maybe you won’t be held accountable for your want of medical restraint but you’ll be at the gallows for lack of evidence. You couldn’t duel with Charlie Brown with that sword made out of Tupperware. You might get that mixed up with one of their salad bowls.”

“My manhood will not be defamed. I will climb up very mountain and not stop until I conquer my enemies and the summit they rode their horses on. Come, let’s discuss surrender terms and experience euphoria when you sign on the dotted line.”

“Rex, if you’re going to climb Mt. Everest, use something hard. Pitons made from balsa wood won’t scale the shower curtain. I don’t want to get conquered by Mr. Moose.”

“I am Grant and by Jove, you’ll be mine at Appomattox-“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Mommy?”
“Yes, Sarah?”

“What’s discreet packaging? Some FedEx man is at the door with a funny-looking box. And the Domino’s man is right behind. Can I use your credit card?”

“We punished Sarah by not letting her take the breadsticks with the order. We fed the goldfish because June forgot to buy fish food. But I had forgotten about the wonderful products from Milford Men’s Clinic that my colleague, Coach Thorp, had recommended. Those EREC-3541 No Sodium Soft-Gel tablets worked wonders on my dearth of manhood. Now I can face Sarah every time she takes one Tennessee Pride patty too many by taking 15 cents off of her allowance. More importantly, I can face June with more than my stethoscope. And we are having more fun than the time we rode in separate cars on the roller coaster. With proven treatment programs that I as an MD heartily endorse, it is wonderful to penetrate something else besides a patient’s femur on the x-ray. Come solve your own medical problems without a shot, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, if you’re not willing to sell rubber dishes, that’s your prerogative but I intend to raise money for those shower stalls in the locker room. Personally, I don’t want the players getting ringworm on their toes anymore.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Pep Boys Refuses Shipment To Coach Kaz’s Residence Despite Earnest Pleas From The Latter!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Pep Boys Manager: ‘We understand that Coach Kaz is two months behind on the house payment but we cannot in good conscience rubber-stamp orders of Quaker State for him to sell door-to-door.”


“Gil, you need more ties. That banquet is this Friday.”

“I agree. Is Toilet’s Big & Tall still open?”

5 Comments »

  1. From the CC: I’m appreciating the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia shoutout in P1.

    Comment by teenchy — January 17, 2023 @ 10:22 am

  2. Agree. Rex’s kids are soooo fuckin stupid and whiny, that they actually make the Family Circus kids look like gifted geniuses. I would have to agree that the constant focus on Tobe is annoying too. That lady going into the store should say something like “…fuck off, you weird lookin’ douchebag…” or something similar to him when he tries to dupe her into buying an old-ass candy bar. “…here’s a dollar, but you can keep the candy, twinkle-toes…”. And $1.00/bar? They’re gonna’ have to sell like a million pieces of this shit to make up any budget shortfalls. I wonder if it was Gil’s idea to go this route, with the 1970’s price point.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 17, 2023 @ 10:59 am

  3. ….and better yet, Tobe…fuck selling vaping sticks and candy bars…find someone old enough to buy you guys booze, and then turn it and burn it to HS kids with a hefty markup, sort of like they do in the Alaskan Native American villages, where prohibition is still in effect. Sure, you can get a bottle of Jack or Grey Goose, and even a handle of Smirnoff’s in those villages, but it’s gonna cost you…anywhere from $100 to $300 per bottle. Tobe could make enough $$ to not only upgrade the “Gilbert Thorp Memorial Gymnasium”, but get himself a sweet ride with fancy rims and sound system too. “…yeah granny pearl….I saved all my paper route money and invested in crypto and Mickey Mantle rookie cards and look what I got!…pretty sweet, huh?…”, even though there are kids stumbling around the Milford hallways like Otis does in Mayberry, with Pearl, Gil, and the dim-witted police chief clueless af, as usual.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 17, 2023 @ 3:12 pm

  4. 1. Let us all laugh at one Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.! I certainly know his ex-wife is…

    1a. What I didn’t find funny was that bullshit sliding tackle/trip that Tom tried to pull on that fumble return… I mean seriously — WHY are QBs (Mac Jones I’m looking in your direction) allowed to get away with this bitch-assed shit? If it were a safety or linebacker trying to trip someone from behind, it would be an instant ejection and suspension.

    1b. What the hell with that Dallas kicker missing all those XPs? I almost wish the game was closer so those missed points played a much bigger part of the game story…

    2. THE LOS ANGELES CHARGERS ARE THE MOST PERFECTLY HILARIOUS!!

    3. I made the 210-mile drive to Raleigh on Saturday to see my beloved Pittsburgh Penguins for the first time since 2007 — A shame they put up such a putrid performance, but had a wonderful time regardless…

    4. Pitchers and catchers report in 4 weeks… MLB needs to get rid of the DH and I am absolutely dying on this hill even if I have to WALK to goddamned Manhattan and dismantle the MLB corporate HQ building one brick at a time…

    5. God damn it Barajas — high school sports doesn’t work this way…

    5a. VAPES?! Check out Rod Barajas trying to be all trendy and modern with the latest newsworthy hip fads — That is, if the year was still 2015…

    5b. The correct answer here of course is selling Milford Mudlarks Official NFTs, which would be absolutely perfect for them, since NFTs are meaningless, worthless, and a grossly overhyped piece of non-existence that is used to fleece suckers and quick-buck speculators of their cash — Sort of like the entire Milfordverse.

    6. Doesn’t it say so much that Gilberto Tharpe is a universally admired regional celebrity known by everyone yet he doesn’t give enough of a rat’s ass about his budget shortfall to beat some bushes and shake down the local business community for a little sponsorship funding?? He is one-hundred percent comfortable with sending his players out in 40-degree weather to pester housewives in the Kroger parking lot all day Saturday?? Why not just sell them at your fucking games instead?! And who in the fuck’s idea was it to start hawking low-quality all-filler Hecho in Guatemala $1 chocolate bars? Even goddamned Funky Winkerbean wasn’t this low rent!! They sell an entire box they’re only up what, $24? OH AND NOOOOOOOO!!!!! LET’S NOT SUGGEST GILBERTO DONATE SAY, 7-8% OF HIS OBSCENELY INFLATED SALARY TO MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE WHEN HE’S SENDING GILBERTINA TO SOME $400 PER NIGHT RESORT JUST SO SHE CAN PLAY “STROKE THE KITTY” IN THE SHOWER WITH HER GOLF COACH!!

    6a. I can’t believe I have to spell this out for people, but if you’re trying to sell shit for a high school athletics, HAVE THE CHEERLEADERS SELL THE GOODS INSTEAD OF MIDNIGHT COWBOY AND RATSO RIZZO HERE!!

    6b. I don’t give a shit…. I still want to know exactly WHAT Milford Basketball needs money for… They’ve clearly got basketballs, their own place to play, and matching uniforms… And not every school in the country can say this. I mean I’m just saying… Football and Baseball require a shitload of equipment to operate every season… How is basketball so expensive all of a sudden? Nevermind the fact that damn near every Milford game I’ve ever seen has a decent if not packed crowd… What, is the school not charging admission or something?!

    Comment by hitorque — January 17, 2023 @ 6:00 pm

  5. @hitorque, speaking as a nominal Tampa Bay Bucs fan (I’m a fan geographically and socially, but my heart is always with the Steelers), it is time to say goodbye to Tom (who I still kinda hate because of that Steeler thing I just mentioned) and also Leftwich, but Bowles should be leaving with them. That team had no business in the playoffs. Also, the league can f right off with a playoff game on Monday night. Have fun in Vegas Tom.

    I think your NFT idea is great. There’s probably some grifter on the school board that would get behind something like that, but what…oh this is a one and done and we’re moving on to something equally ridiculous but also hilarious. No spoilers!

    Comment by Ned Ryerson's Wealth Manager — January 18, 2023 @ 7:00 am


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