This Week in Milford

January 19, 2023

Can’t Anybody Do Geometry Problems Around Here?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:45 am

The “What Plot Have You Done For Me Lately” concept continues as we move in from Gil pitching used cars that otherwise would have been chewed up at Milford Scrap Metals, Inc., with Tommy Chong’s grandson trying to look like the character actor from the ‘60’s, Denny Miller, to The Idiot’s Guide To Geometry as aptly executed by The Return Of The Butthead.

Speaking of Denny Miller, he was in a Gilligan’s Island episode where he was playing Tongo, an obvious takeoff to Tarzan. He played the role to the hilt and it really had the castaways fooled, every one of them thinking this man was Tarzan who had lived in a cave on the island somewhere with the rest of his Cro-Magnon buddies. When they are in shock to discover that Tongo is actually an actor trying to build his character for an upcoming film, they are angry but cautiously angry as Tongo is seen as their way off the island. However, Tongo is so embarrassed by his being caught with his true identity and intentions that he escapes with a helicopter he had hidden in a remote part of the island. Not wanting the press to find out about this fiasco, he flies off while the castaways helplessly plead to be rescued.

Now you’re getting the general idea with Thorpiverse. It’s been acting like a gorilla in the gym and we just put up with it because we’re comforted knowing that Luhm will shovel the gorilla droppings later until we see that gorilla about to escape with his life in a helicopter that was situated by the “Milford Fighting Mudlarks Drum & Bugle Corps” trailer off into another meaningless plot. We just go back in the gym.

And why not? We were so geared up for the grudge match between Milford and Valley Tech, only in a different sport, in this case, basketball, that when we observed Luke shouting Side Angle Side at a basketball game today, we could somewhat reason that Geometry 112 wasn’t transposed to the gym to accommodate a bigger class size. Sure, Luke Butthead, the shortest distance between two lines runs through your head. Imagine that. Shooting free throws at a 180 degree angle will create more clunkers than the facility accommodating gorillas sitting behind Marty Moon. Ability to compute Pythagoreans Theorem will determine the starting lineup. Let know one ignorant of geometry enter Butthead’s doors at his office.

And is this leading to a showdown between Butthead AND MIMI???? With Coach Blowhard (literally) by Butthead’s side? Maybe Coach Kim is the head coach. But you could say the same for Coach Ochoa. Both get their hands soiled and both use the brush to get the commodes sparkling like Rick Scott’s head but Butthead and Gil command the attention. Notice I didn’t say always with positive ramifications. The Skipper running the orangutan off the lagoon so that Milford HS cafeteria can listen to the soapbox speaker in peace while eating Munchos, only to find out Gilligan is the principal doesn’t make for good press. The point is, after slogging through several side shows like the one with Gil hawking Tommy Chong’s Better Days Used Transportation (“the way Mom used to make ‘em out of the oven”) , we were anticipating another showdown BETWEEN GIL AND LUKE. Getting our hopes up and discovering that the IU-Purdue rivalry game was pre-empted in favor of Ohio Valley A & M versus Grand Teton Tech was kinda sorta of a letdown. I’m sure somebody will watch it. Maybe.

Initially, I thought Marty Moon was shouting out the Geometry homework but why in a gym and why single out Mimi. She has a lot on her plate with that 5-game schedule.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Duties Reassigned At Valley Tech In A Corporate Restructuring!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“VT Spokesperson: ‘We feel Coach Kaz is best suited overseeing Boot-Shining Duties. We want Coach Luke going first-class. Coach Kim will remain at his present position as Assistant Coach-Motivational Prep detail. Someone has to keep Coach Luke happy when the students sometimes fail to genuflect in the hallways. We have yet to fill the Hat Refurbisher position but we have interviewed a couple of candidates this week.”


At the Milford-Valley Tech game one Friday night

“Why is Vic Doucette chasing that gorilla around the gym?”

“Oh shoot, did Luke Loser get loose again. They need to change the locks.”

I remember the movie “The Octagon”. I remember one critic’s assessment of it: “If you don’t know what an octagon is, don’t expect to learn it in this movie.” True enough. Chuck Norris plays Scott James, a martial arts whiz (in real life also) trying to break up this terrorist organization, their headquarters in Octagon (BTW, an octagon is an eight-sided figure if you’re hanging on the edge of your seat to learn) , a multifaceted structure that contains these traps and obstacles to prevent anyone from being foolish enough to kill the head honcho of this terrorist organization. Naturally, Joe Hero a/k/a Gil Thorp, er, Chuck Norris a/k/a Scott James manages to slip, slide, jump, pole vault, flip over and through, somersault, leapfrog, blowtop mad all the barriers and slay the Gil.

I don’t believe the sequel is going to be The Rhombus. Defined as a parallelogram that has all four sides equal and equal opposite angles, it is hard for me to conceive Luke Loser jumping on these bleacher seats that are separated by alligator-dominated waters, pole-vaulting over those mutant poplars in the back of Gil’s office, leapfrogging over Gregg Hamm’s wayward pitches, flipping through Mimi’s 5-game season, sliding under the cafeteria tables where Pedro and Jami are in a Round Robin D & D Invitational, somersaulting over Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet, cartwheeling with his wife in bed, slipping a 5 to get the corner table at Coffee Cantina, and finally blowtopping the waiter over a dispute with the tip. To slay the Gil? Within the confines of a rhombus?

It’s bad enough that this showdown of this Battle of the Titans has transmogrified into Godzilla Versus Mimi And Her Golf Instructor but I’m in no mood to watch Butthead attempt to negotiate through a series of mazes shaped like a trapezoid, then find out The Minotaur took up residence at that maze in New Harmony. Geez, no wonder why some of the Utopian crowd in that town went back to Pennsylvania.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Valley Tech Athletic Department To Designate Lockers Due To Unresolved Scheduling Conflicts!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Kaz: ‘No way do I want a locker near the laundry bin. I can smell Coach Luke’s dirty Athletic supporters through the chimneys.”

“Now just jump over that one. Leap over the dead twigs. Flip over the stream. There you go, now somersault the squirrels…”

Heard somewhere

“Does Gil teach all the 8-year olds to putt this way?”

We get some actual basketball action in P2 but that’s like saying that I love listening to Duke Ellington’s “Live at Newport” CD based upon a thirty-second clip of “Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue” with Paul Gonsalves’ long-running ELECTRIC solo on sax. And I remember the Newport crowd going absolutely bananas on the solo and you can hear the frenzy pervade, prompting Duke to say “Oh, we got more, we got more.” He obviously skipped today’s strip when he announced that.

I’m not really sure what rhombus has to do with the VT girl palming the beach ball into the hoop, especially when the free throw area is rectangular in form. I remember the triangle offense and I claim no superior knowledge to it but if I had to make a stab, your star center (Shaq, for example) and star guard (Kobe, for example) and perhaps a good small forward (James Worthy comes to mind) form a triangle which is kinda sorta the idea. You can maybe guard one of them but you can’t guard all three, especially when they’re forming a triangle spread out on the floor. These three are bound to get their touches with the ball, sooner or later, which is the idea. The bitching stops. Nobody gets accused of hogging the ball. And with the remaining two players who couldn’t care less, they just want to be out on the floor and not on the bench, that just sealed Phil Jackson’s philosophy. People get their points at the end of the night and a ring at the end of the season. Jackson was a genius.

So let’s see if we can dissect Coach Butthead’s and Coach Bootlicker’s playbook. If the other team has been drinking or their coach has never seen a rhombus before, you can station four VT ladies in the shape of a rhombus starting from the free throw line extended down just in front of the backboard. The remaining fifth player is by the top of the key as a safety valve. Don’t stick this person by the half court line or the errant pass from the baseline might land in Coach Butthead’s Diet Coke cup. Pass the ball 1,549,032 times until the other team gets bored watching the ball on a patented rhombus pathway that has been traveled by many a Greyhound bus said number of times. VT has them where they want them. This works better than a four corner stall because you make risky cross court passes in the four corner, a real plot foot-shooter, no question. Why make a genius like Luke Butthead appear as if he got his playbook from the Charmin he does his personal wiping with in his water closet? And you can run out the clock this way because nobody is going to foul when they have to pursue The Flight of the Parallelogram just to send a VT to the line for a double bonus. All that work proving that corresponding angles of a triangle or rhombus are congruent only to see a VT shooter swish two from the charity stripe with the clock stopped? The West Union crowd will shout out “Let them dunk on an alley-oop already, for criminy sake, we gotta go to work tomorrow!!!!!” You’re a genius, Butthead.

Why back a person down in the paint? Not necessary. The other team will be so exhausted from this exercise in geometry futility that VT can score with the OTHER TEAM stopped, not just the clock. And make sure your fifth player can bomb from long range. A rhombus with no Steve Kerr? It’s like Joe Schlabotnik engineering the Triangle on an Ouija board hoping John Mengelt gets his share of touches. How can Butthead be a genius without his compass and straightedge, especially when he can buy them at a discount at Milford Apothecary forty-five minutes before game time? They were still in the bargain bin with the BOGO Kit Kat’s last time I checked, genius.

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Consults With His Agent Before Signing Finalized Contract As Assistant At Valley Tech!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My agent just wanted to make sure Coach Luke didn’t pull a fast one and assign me Assistant Supervisor for Study Hall.”

Ooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back and he won’t be one of Coach Butthead’s assistants as far as I know. Comforted and will sleep better with that tidbit in the back of my head

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Coach Kaz licking _____________ would help boost his pay at Valley Tech during the signing period.

Then there’s Coach Kim. As Mopman mentioned, it’s possible that he’s the head coach. But since when did that stop ol’ Genius If He’s A Billy Goat from infringing on Coach Kim’s space and shouting out the plays? You call the next defensive set, Billy, I need to take a leak anyway. Oh, didn’t I apply enough Kiwi Shoe Polish to your penny loafers? Oops, my bad. I applied burgundy when you’re clearly wearing black. I’ll get some at the store at halftime. You can give the halftime speech, O Holy Goat.

P2 is simply a travesty of justice because Coach Kim might as well refer to the coach you ride in when you’re hopping on the Greyhound to Oakwood because he sure as Hell isn’t Coach, as in Coach Knight. He might be Head Floorlicker because nobody sucks up better to Horrible Hat Martinez than he does; heck, he’s really not even an assistant coach. Coach Kaz was an assistant because he wasn’t afraid to tell Gil where to stick it. Coach Floorlicker doesn’t even dare to challenge Homer the Referee even when his kid goal tends when they’re playing Nerfhoops. We have to stomach this the next couple of months? Coach Kim’s tongue will be in a cast if he keeps adulating at the speed of sound over that period of time. God help him. And his tongue.

“You get the towels ready, I’ll tell the girls it’s game time. Are the refs here yet?”

“I saw them walking through the door just now, Your Majesty.”

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kim To Add Assistant Coach In Continual Reshuffling Of Duties!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wouldn’t dare stand up to His Holiness but I feel Coach Kaz can work with the girls on free throw shooting. And Coach O.J. will help with rebound assignments. Both will be supervise laundry preparation.”

P3 really recaps what we have seen many times before. Coach Kim, if he is the head coach, isn’t really heading anything here. Okay, say Joy (or so the caption announces) is a future WNBA phenom. Is she going to get there because of anything Coach Kim is saying? Because right now, all I’m seeing is a perpetual lick job that doesn’t appear to be ceasing anytime in this lifetime. Why is Coach Kim along anyway if all he is doing is rubber-stamping anything Goat Breath has to say? Does he not have a life of his own? Maybe I just answered my own question.

Right now, Coach Kim has as much backbone as Dr. Pearl on Peacock Bonfire Pep Rally Night. Don’t ask him to set up the final play when Jimmy Chitwood could swish one through and send everyone home happy. He might get lost if he stands on his own two feet. You’d have to hand him a Rand-McNally Road Atlas if he was forced to proceed from that uneasy stance. Thank God he wasn’t on the Milan bench when the Indians won the ‘54 Championship. Bobby Plump might be a butt-kisser just like Coach Kim if Bobby didn’t hit the Shot Heard ‘Round The World. Thank God that Rhombus play designed to get Plump open worked. It was it the Parallelepiped? I can’t remember off the top of my head.

“And that ends the first quarter with the Valley Tech Fussbudgets, 43, West Union Dumb Rox, 21. Coach Luke Bluster Butt is in rare form, shouting out all 5 food groups in his play-calling and it’s obviously confusing the Dumb Rox who evidently can’t tell a Black Forest ham from black-eyed peas. It’s even more confusing why I’m broadcasting VT games but I go where my paycheck goes. We’ll be back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.

At Milford High School Chemistry Lab at 4:12AM

“There!!!!!!! This ought to get me erect!!!!!!! I’ll dominate Mimi so much, her head will be swimming in NaOH!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi and the kids finally find Gil, the light standing out in the darkness, the light shining on a picture of the Milford Peacock dining on some termites in the inner court.

“Mommy, there he is. Why is he humping the solution of HCl? Doesn’t he know it’ll eat through his pubic hair?”

“If I don’t eat him alive with my wrath first. GIL!!!!!!! Unlock this door and get your butt home!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!”

“I can’t talk now, Mimi. I was sent this literature encouraging me to shop around for the best Erectile Dysfunction medicine. I gambled a stamp and sent for this catalog. I got some info from this ED Clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a building that used to be a bar. They had to remove the mirrors for the strip dancers in one of their rooms. Then I received a chemistry set from the Chemical Engineering Department at MIT. I am going to be a man when I swallow this Hydroxlmethanebicarbonate. It’ll be ready anytime after it’s been boiling off the Bunsen burner for 15 minutes. I just have to distill it for a moment and add some sugar cubes. I’ll be harder than an Erlenmeyer flask.”

“Mommy, wouldn’t Benzodiazepinesalkaliethanolboronicneonarsenicialthalliumradicalnitroustricarboxyl fluid work better? Daddy tried his formula and he got a lot of gas. He was on the toilet doing lesson plans for French the whole time he was babysitting us.”

“He won’t have to worry about substitute teaching because I’ll have a substitute husband who will satisfy a lot more because he would take those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudimenofren Tablets like I’ve been telling Daddy to do. Then we wouldn’t to balance equations to have fun under the sheets.”

“Mimi and Keri, it’s like this. When two or three players don’t mesh well because they don’t have the chemistry to win the game, you sit them on the bench and bring in players willing to get along. Do I throw in lithium and lead when I’m trying to boil H2O to heighten my sexual awareness? I’d no more load down my personal possession with beryllium just to get Mimi howling at the moon any more than I’d throw in Dennis the Menace and his pal Joey with the rest of the Milan Indians hoping they’ll set a picket fence for Bobby Plump. You have have the right chemistry if you want to conquer your woman and I don’t mean playing Stratego.”

“Mommy, he’s pouring charcoal into the mortar. Why is he using Coach Luhm’s broom handle to crush it up?”

“Keri, I lost the pestle so I had to do something to crush up the carbon to rub on my person. This is an excellent Vulcanizing process. It’ll be like having sex with a steel-belted radial.”

“At this point, Gil, I’d rather have sex with Dr. Spock.”

“Mommy, I’m going to use some of that Kingsford Charcoal at home and rub all over my wiener and be an Olympic diving board just like Daddy-“

“NO YOU WON’T, JAMI!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, end this-“

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMM

“Oops. I titrated too much lighter fluid.”

“I found out the hard way that there is no substitute for Milford Men’s Clinic. I took those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudomenifren Tablets and the chemistry came alive under the sheets. I didn’t have to use a periodic table to have the time of our lives, not even memorize Lanthanide Series to find my possession. Come straighten out your own chemical imbalance, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I’m not licking Luke’s hat to be in charge of the concession stand, I don’t care if Luke is offering free M & M’s as a perk. His mouth melts in his hand AND his hat.

But God bless you, Gang.

Leap over here, somersault over there, jump up the ailanthus, flip through Dr. Pearl’s office, watch the file cabinet, sheesh, this plot maneuvering is horrible. No wonder why Chuck Norris turned down Luke’s offer to be his bodyguard…

6 Comments »

  1. “Coach Kim” has to be the biggest brown-nosin’ knob-gobblin’ character that this strip has ever seen. “…gosh coach Luke!…she’s learned so much from you!…” Just what, coach Kim, has she learned from this guy?

    >How to be an obnoxious blowhard?
    >How to yell loudly?
    >How to boastfully tell everyone how great you are?
    >How to embellish and overtly brag about your past accomplishments?
    >How to hold 30+ year grudges over some bullshit that Gil had nothing to do with?
    >How to get a hard-on for Gil without even trying?

    Tiger King fucked up yesterday….Coach Luke should be the one schleppin’ overpriced, used pieces of shit and yelling at everyone to “…Tell Fuck-sy that the greatest coach ever, coach Luke, the coach who beat Thorp, yeah!…that’s right!…that coach!…sent you…”

    Hey Kim…make yourself useful…quit blowin’ this guy and go fetch the players some water.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 19, 2023 @ 1:06 pm

  2. I’m not saying I want to see the return of “Wildcat” Maris, but I’m not not saying that either.

    Comment by billytheskink — January 19, 2023 @ 3:07 pm

  3. I for one think that Mr Barajas’s audition has gone on long enough. The man can’t tell a story.

    Comment by vaganova — January 19, 2023 @ 3:46 pm

  4. I don’t think we’re going to see Luke vs. Mimi, as Mimi has taken a break from coaching this year to pursue golf. Today’s strip seems to imply butt-kisser Kim is the head coach. So it could be that Luke is just helping out with the girls team, but is head coach of the boys. If so, we’ll see Luke vs. Gil round 2 at the conclusion of this season.

    Although Luke shouldn’t be yelling out plays if he’s not the head coach. He seems to be taking after Kaz who was sabotaging Gil’s football team by yelling out plays.

    Comment by MopMan — January 19, 2023 @ 4:47 pm

  5. 1. Even for an assistant, Byung-hyun Kim Kim kisses WAY too much ass to be taken seriously…

    2. Wow… Valley Tech girl makes a play and Lucha Libre already has her slated for the WNBA draft lottery?! Even Kim-Kim has to know he’s getting jerked off with such effusive praise…

    Comment by hitorque — January 20, 2023 @ 3:34 pm

  6. Coach Kimmy Hu Flung Poo don’t GAF if the kid is truly talented or a fuckin’ mannequin…his agenda when conversing with coach Luke is crystal clear.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 20, 2023 @ 3:52 pm


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