This Week in Milford

January 24, 2023

Homey Don’t Play This.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:30 pm

“SPIRIT day???? You think you can make Homey wear PJ’s that’d make an elephant roll over in the circus convulsing with laughter just so we can show The Man that we is gonna make a fool out of ourselves at a basketball game, IF they ever show one again????”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so, Gilberto. Homey don’t play that.”

“Would you be willing to tear tickets at one of our gates?”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so. What you takin’ me for, one o’ yo’ substitute teachers cuz the regular teacher called in? Homey ain’t playin’ that either.”

Gang, when I saw those PJ’s today, I IMMEDIATELY thought of the acerbic wit that used to grace In Living Color, none other than the incomparable Homey the Clown. I have always looked for opportunities to display him to the public eye because of his acid take on things and what better way to slay, or WHAP!!!!!!, the Gil than inviting Homey to enter the scene. Kick back and let ol’ Homey do his thing. Don’t worry, he will.

And being a Christian, I do everything to respect other religions. Who knows, maybe one day they might want to know mine. That said, the lady wearing the head covering is dressed in about as ridiculous of a Homey the Clown garb as Allah or God will ever know or even create (God or Allah forbid) . In fact, Las Tres Amigas in their “School Spirit” attire reminds me of when Elviney used to tell Loweezy or Loweezy used to tell Elviney “You should have seen ol’ Coach Thorp with those 1927 New York Yankees Lou Gehrig Commemorative PJ’s. It was enough to make a dog laugh!!!!!” Oh, we’re laughing all right, no problem there. Barney Google at PJ Day to support Milford? I don’t think Calvin Klein is in his future, PJ’s or otherwise.

Are those REALLY PJ’s that the second girl is wearing? She could pass as a hostess at a Red Lobster Restaurant. Or the latte server at Coffee Cantina. It’s hard enough having to sustain our sanity in this Jukebox Selection of Plots but if we’re going to look at anyone wearing PJ’s, can we still stay within character? Good God, Keri’s shirt is an item of apparel that she’d wear Any Given Day and her shorts, if you were to lengthen them, could pass for IU Basketball warm-ups on Cancer Awareness Day. Keri dressed as Pat Graham or Grace Berger to express her love for her school? Keri in those candy striped sweats that Kent Benson or Quinn Buckner or Don Noort used to parade around in the layup drills before tipoff? Could you really conceive Herk the Mauler in those togs? I don’t think so. T. Drew don’t play this.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Herk The Mauler Arrested For Indecent Exposure By Milford Police At Milford High School!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl spokesperson: ‘Dr. Pearl recognizes that pep assemblies are outstanding motivational tools but Herk the Mauler wearing his silk PJ wrestling briefs on stage was a bit inappropriate. The warts and age splotches were prominent, particularly near his crotch and pectorals.”

“You want ME to file these Milford High School Art Supplies Special Emphasis on Crayola Crayons Reports-2016 because you couldn’t call Milford Temp Agency due to phone issues? You think Homey is going to file them while wearing them nasty Don Noort ‘75 IU NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament sweat pants? To upgrade my image that I’m actually a milk-and-cookies fop who just needed some direction? At minimum wage?”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so, Dr. Pearl. Homey don’t play that.”

“Very well, Mr. Homer the Clown. No worries, I’ll pick up my wig off of the floor.”


I chortle at the observation being made in P1. Good in comparison to what? OTHER School Spirit ideas???? I’m very aware that School Spirit Week is all week, not just one day. Heck, when I was in school, elementary or secondary, around Sectionals in Indiana High School Basketball, School Spirit Week ranked along with the Christmas holidays. You wore your school colors or you were a traitor. Everybody got in the act. Great times.

But we’re talking Milford High School here. God only knows what other conceptions that Dr. Pearl and Gilberto have in mind. Scottsdale Golf Sports Shirts Day? And bring your clubs? What better way to display your love of anything Mudlark than to wear reminders that Mimi has ditched the school temporarily (like we wish we could ditch this jukebox of plots) to practice her golf game and catch up on the gossip of two lesbians. Man, I’m fired up for Sectionals to start even as I text. Bring Your Favorite Vape Day? Just show security your vape wares and accessories, then stick them immediately back in your knapsack if you don’t want to get detention. Smoking School Spirit is grounds for expulsion. And be sure to empty all your contents, butter knives included, and put them in the salad bowl to run through that scanner on the conveyor belt. You’ll get them on the other side of the scanner. Okay, #2 pencils might sound the alarm but you’ll get them back in time for the Geometry quiz. Dr. Pearl Fun Bun Friday???? Get that old mop head out of the garage behind the whirring meat freezer and wash it in Gain and spray some Febreze Grapefruit Galore on it so you don’t attract the bugs and you’ll be the talk of the class. Like “If she wanted to look like Granny Clampett, why didn’t she hose it down with Pine-Sol? You mean, she got that out of Luhm’s storage bin? Does his scrubbers attract lice too?” Granted, it may not all be positive but you’re taking one for the team. Don’t let student comments restrain you from being true to your school, it’s #1 in the stale, er, state.

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!! I GOT IT!!!!!!!!

Wear your Denny Miller Used Cars sales help uniform!!!!!! Hey, why not, we can remember a character actor who kept Gilligan’s Island on the map who supplemented his income by vending beat-up Econolines to Ron Howard or Dean Martin. If you saw Phyliss Diller in that ‘87 Buick Regal that was in dire need of Rust-oleum heading to a Milford Girls Basketball contest, you know she didn’t buy it from Milford Scrap, Inc. Look, when in Milford, do as the Mudlarks do. You might as well, plots in Thorpiverse change every day like School Spirit Activity ideas. I’ll be wearing my Denny Miller Tarzan Incarnate sales shirt the next time Vape-pusher Shaggy is in the neighborhood. Is Scooby Doo also peddling these Winston wannabes? Ruh Roh.

“You think I’m going to sign this contract that’s thicker than Euclid’s Elements just so I can fulfill your 5-game dream matches and wear a zebra top instead of expressing my identity against The Man? That we be the Homer and Homey Show? Call all fouls on those stooge teams you splat on the schedule in the last two minutes so you can pull one out cuz yo’ playuhs are too damn slow to even run a 2-on-1 break?”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so. Homey don’t play that.”

“Would you at least sign our contracts for our Donkey Basketball games?”


What in the name of Homey the Mauler does anybody mean with “pandemic learning”? I think most of us know what “pandemic” means and if you don’t know what “learning” means, you deserve a long staid career as a Thorpiverse scriptwriter.

People were wearing PJ’s EVERY DAY in the name of School Spirit???? Thank Heavens to Betsy we didn’t have Wear Your Brightest Birthday Suit Day. EVERY DAY???? Gil saunters the hallways brandishing those tattoos on those ugly cheeks in the name of wiping out COVID-19???? Is this how Onward Christian Soldiers was composed? Dr. Pearl in her ugly prunes for the sake of a Mudlark that in reality is a peacock because somebody was too damn lazy to purchase a bird at Milford Petting Zoo that bore a more striking resemblance? I’m sorry, watching the NBC peacock grace the MHS inner courtyard try to con the whole student body that it’s a Mudlark compels me to encourage this ruffle of feathers to try to simulate a rhino or a Gibraltar monkey. It might seem silly for Prune Chest to show her School Spirit in unusual ways for the sake of a water buffalo but if it effaces The Plague, ask questions later.

Thorpiverse is once again attempting to sound official and is really coming off as Homer the Official. Thank God it wasn’t Homey the Official. There are enough clowns around here to fill a pickup with Mudlarks disguised as peacocks but at least Homey the Official is scoring points. More than the basketball teams, fer sure.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Homer The Official Refuses To Officiate 5-Game Schedule Until Certain Concessions Are Met!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“School Spirit is important but I’ll be hanged if I wear Coach Kaz Trademark Jonny Quest PJ’s to benefit Measles Research. We’re already enough of a target, especially when both teams reach bonus.”

“You think I’m going to lick your boots just to satisfy my parole officer and he be in a better mood to set me up with a landlord that don’t have roaches in his living unit? That me and Coach Kaz are going to be two peas in a pod if I take off my suit when we’re coaching VT games? And wear HIS earrings????”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so. Homey don’t play that.”

“All right, Coach Kim, escort him out the exit. Be sure to check if the alarms are set. We don’t want the guard dogs let loose yet.”

“Yes, Your Excellency.”

Dorothy, come on now, if you’re going to get down and dirty and insult somebody’s School Spirit get-up, I can dig deeper than “sea dog”. I feel like I just got insulted by J. Wellington Wimpy. Oh, that cuts to the bone, Wimpy, did you use that same slur on Olive Oyl? And she returned with “sea burger”? Got it coming, Wimpy, the way you eat as many burgers as plots in one week. Bluto, your mother shaves her legs like you shave your face. Well, that cuts deeper than Keri being called Gil’s hairdresser or Kaz Wellington Wimpy. Thimble Theater will never be the same.

Speaking of Popeye, Sea Hag would be more appropriate. Oh, that’ll get a choke job out of Keri. She might land a spot next to Mike Knappe at Valley Modified but she’s got her pride, you know. Her hair may resemble the Sea Hag’s somewhat even though I do remember the latter with a hood. The point is, Keri may have zits but that’s better than the warts that the Sea Hag was promoting. Oh God, I better cut this short or Sea Hag might be sitting next to Dorothy in the cafeteria for another plot idea. Sea Hag getting on a cafeteria table and bitching about the chow and/or exclaiming that Popeye could coach better than Bluto, Wimpy, and Gil combined is just begging for an aborted Thorpiverse tune to get yanked out of the jukebox.

“YOU WIMPY YOU!!!!!!!!!”

“You’re out of the game, Coach Thorp!!!!!! And get a better team next time!!!!!!”

At least I don’t do choke jobs like my daughter.”

And look who’s talking, Dorothy. The plot calling the storyline “sniveling tripe”. This is one jukebox selection where the quarter got jammed in the slot. You are dressed for the nearest slumber party in a random classroom while your partner is Homey the Clown’s daughter. I don’t think so. Calling everybody “sea hag” while looking like the same crew that helped Herbie make toys or the Keebler Elves make Sandies Classic Shortbread wouldn’t be worth the choke job you’re anticipating. If you’re trying to get Keri over to Valley Modified, do better than saying you mother drives a pickle wagon when your own mom is pulling a rickshaw around Milford.

“And Gil is down for the three count against Herk the Mauler in this Texas Cage Match. Looks like Keri will be living in Herk’s trailer park beginning the next semester. We’ll be back for final comments. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

I just love these ED commercials. Now they got one where if you call in the next two minutes, you’ll get the whole procedure free, a $600 value. Nice to know when someone’s crotch is J.Wellington Wimpy and he couldn’t cash his (I’m pretty sure women don’t suffer from ED. Swelling and itching of hemarhoidal tissues like men, but not ED.) payroll check because Milford IGA front desk was gone for a meal break, he can use his cell phone and get erect before the midnight hour and not have to balance his checkbook. Life is good.


At the Thorp Household one fine afternoon with the Thorp Kiddies watching “Divorce Court.”

Heard in the den with the door locked

“DAGGONE IT!!!!!!!! The procedure is free!!!! I even have the phone statement when I called Firmer and Faster, Inc.!!!!!!!!!! I beat the buzzer!!!!!! I called 10 seconds within the deadline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You can ask Milford A T & T yourself!!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi is out in the backyard with Coach Ericka, working on her drives, careful to watch out lest any stray balls don’t smash a window or land in somebody’s gutter

“What is that racket?”

“I don’t know, Mimi. It’s hard to pick up but I thought I heard somebody cussing at the phone because he was tired of being called ‘pumpkin wiener’.”

“GIL!!!!!!!! What is his problem NOW!!!! Here, Ericka we’ll putt in the bird bath later. Right now, my husband has lost his drive because he won’t take those EREC-3507 Calcium Enriched Sex God Tablets that I bought with coupon.”

Keri and Jami are done watching “Divorce Court” and Judge Wapner ruled that Tom Bradford can keep the swimming pool he had on layaway but will split everything else with his wife 50/50.

“Mommy, Daddy is threatening the operator. He said that if his second garden hose enhancement isn’t free, that he will take it to Milford Municipal Court for breach of contract.”

“…THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!!!! I signed the contract online after I made the phone call. I agreed to pay for the first one because I had excellent revolving credit and, what’s that? I KNOW my prized possession doesn’t operate like a lathe, I was talking about my Milford Teacher’s Federal Credit Union Debit Card!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, open this door, you are embarrassing me in front of the kids and my coach.”

“Mimi, there’s going to be Hell to pay if Firmer & Faster, Inc. doesn’t fulfill its end of the contract!!!!!! I can’t conquer you on the Serta mattress if they’re going to pussyfoot this issue. I expect to bone you up one side and down the other without the Milford Collection Agency knocking on our bedroom door. Free is free!!!!!! As in, I don’t pay a nickel after I’ve inflated my garden hose, and I don’t mean with Milford City Water.”

“Mommy, what does he mean when he says I expect to screw in bed, not get the reverse on me?”

“It means if he doesn’t get his butt out here, he’ll be hurting from than a screw up his butt because he’s acting like a jerk. Gil, open this door NOW. Ericka is hiding under Amelia’s Chuck Wagon because she doesn’t know what to think.”

“I’m going to tell the operators that if they don’t get Daddy a free pump job, I’ll send a garden hose of my own to flood their workplace!!!!!!!”

“JAMI!!!!!!!!! BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!! And put that hose extension down!!!!!!! Gil!!!!!!! I mean it-“

“And the Firmer & Faster warehouse burned down????”

“That did it for me. I learned you get what you pay for. With the EREC-3507 Tablets, I have been hornier and hornier and can enjoy watching Mimi the next day, working on her putting stance, fully cognizant that I conquered the world the night before. Mimi might still send a putt in a gopher hole but Coach Ericka can always widen her shoulders. Amazing how simple golf is when my garden hose is a cornucopia. Come get your own fruit basket today, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

You think I’m going to wear PJ’s so I look like the ‘70’s Padres? I don’t think so. T. Drew don’t play that.

But God bless you anyway.


At Milford Elementary School, Homey the Clown subbing for one of the 3rd grade teachers

“Okay, kiddies, sing along with me

The Man is bad!!!!!!!”

“THE MAN IS BAD!!!!!!!!”

“The Man’s a cad!!!!!!!!!!”

THE MAN’S A CAD!!!!!!!!!”

“The Man is really that goofy dumbass honky Brylcreem Bozo, Gil Thorp himself, and I ain’t about to kiss his booty, let alone his ring after he sent me to Valley Modified to play on that pizza pickle ball team and his wife couldn’t shoot par with a sawed-off shotgun and Dr. Pearl was once The Man ‘til she got that butt-ugly wig she dug out of Thomas Jefferson’s grave I DON’T HEAR NO SINGIN’ CHILDREN!!!!!!!!”

“THE MAN IS REALLY THAT GOOFY DUMBASS HONKY BRYLCREEM BOZO, GIL THORP HIMSELF, AND I AIN’T ABOUT TO KISS HIS BOOTY, LET ALONE HIS RING AFTER HE SENT ME TO VALLEY MODIFIED TO PLAY ON THE PIZZA PICKLE BALL TEAM AND HIS…”

2 Comments »

  1. Yeah…those PJ’s look so stupid, that all that they are missing is a brown streak showing through the back of them, especially those polka-dot ones that Moose is wearing. Speaking of Moose, apparently mean girl Dorothy didn’t learn her lesson when Keri cold-cocked her a few weeks ago and didn’t receive even the slightest bit of discipline for her actions. Now, mean girl has poked the bear AND the moose. All Moose has to do is fall down on her, allowing Keri to take off one of those slippers and just go to town and bitch-slap the living heck out of mean girl. Mean girl’s buddy will turn tail and run when she sees that ass-whippin’ go down, and not even hang around long enough to get the entire exchange on her cell phone, like every-fuckin-one does nowadays:

    Comment by franku2016 — January 24, 2023 @ 1:56 pm

  2. 1. I had to read this strip more than a few times before I understood that “sea dogs” and “spirit Halloween” are supposed to be insults…

    2. Is it too much to hope for a sexy pajama catfight?

    Comment by hitorque — January 25, 2023 @ 9:37 am


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