This Week in Milford

January 31, 2023

Would You Like A Hot Apple Pie With Your Low-Menthol Vape Stick?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:23 pm

Gang, I hate to drag the Preacher part of me back into this but hear me out and I promise I will steer out of this as quickly as I steer in. First off, I am very unfamiliar with vape sticks and understandably so. Being a Christian, I believe the body is God’s temple and vape sticks can cause severe damage to that temple.

That said, what I have learned about vape sticks came from an article published by a medical doctor at Johns Hopkins University, not exactly a place where “Yes, you too can be a doctor” ads exist. They won’t display their wares next to the Charles Atlas section in the back of the comic book. The article basically said that while vape sticks were not as harmful as conventional cigarettes, you really shouldn’t start those either because they still have harmful effects, only in different aspects.

That’s what I would say here. If you don’t smoke, please don’t start. If you do smoke, quit. You are inhaling chemicals that have links to cancer and can make your life miserable even if you don’t die. DEFINITELY don’t start vape sticks. In the end, it’s your body. You’re free to use it as you wish. Just PLEASE don’t shove it on me. All I ask.

I just absolutely chuckle when I see Darrius and Tobe in P1 surrounded by all these stacks of bills. Like they just robbed Milford Federal. What makes this more of a farce is that Melissa Gordon was trying to keep Tobe out of trouble by having Gil sign on to practically be a godfather. But it appears as if Tobe is the Don Corleone here. Naturally, Gil ditched on us and was last seen doing TV ads for Honest Ugly Moustache’s Used Cars. With plots running every which way, thereby confirming the Random Atomic Theory, Gil is somewhere in all these atoms buzzing around the container but may have gotten caught in the aluminum foil with the rest of the slower Giltrons.

And I don’t know the laws about vape sticks but I’m confident the next Milford High School Boys Basketball Cherry Bomb Vape Stick Raffle will be the first one. I’m not so sure that Gil would be crazy about minors selling this type of merchandise because the Milford Police never led a raid on someone’s house for Band Candy. Quick!!!!!!! Here comes the fuzz!!!!!! Flush the World’s Finest Chocolate down the toilet!!!!!!! Gil would kick Darrius off the team if he was pushing Milford Valley Fruit Cake on a random street corner????

I once was walking down the street when some loser at a street corner softly asked me “Need some weed?” (I naturally called the police.) I just can’t see myself with some pusher asking me “Need some fruit cake?” or “Need some Snickers?” Therefore, while I don’t think Darrius and Tobe are going to the Milford Federal Pen for their actions, I wouldn’t be surprised before too long after Gil ceases driving Archie’s jalopy or a car once driven by Heehaw from Pasadena on the Honest Kaz’s Used Contraptions TV ads that he gets on his High Vape Stick and lays down the law on this. And you didn’t sell me one? You’re off the team. You’re banished to the New Harmony Labyrinth of Plots forever. Don’t call me if you get lost. If you’re vape sticks and World’s finest get washed up in the Wabash River nearby, that’s your problem.

Moreover, I really don’t like how Tobe has metamorphed from Innocent Babe Who Creates His Own Touchdowns to GODDAM PUSHER MAN. When Steppenwolf made that song, I don’t think they had in mind a teenage urchin who couldn’t sell World’s Finest because he was eating half the merchandise when they performed it live. Don’t bogart that World’s Finest, My Friend, ship some over to my side of the car. What’s this going to be, Easy Rider II???? The Byrds play “I Wasn’t Born to Follow” as Darrius and Tobe try to vend Milford Herbal Farm Raunchy Raspberry Vapor Vibes to Heehaw during visitation hours???? Play Hendrix’s “If 6 Was 9” as Tobe is hawking Lemon Lifter Vapor Vipes to all the nurses on night duty at Milford Adult Center???? Play “The Weight” from The Band as Darrius is stacking the 20’s from the Kooky Kiwi Vaper Vibes sold to the janitor???? It’s alright, Gil, I’m only dying.

I read something off some ridiculous site that says the Cargill family owns all our food products. I don’t know if this is somebody’s idea of a sick joke or they have been snorting one Lemon Lunker too many but

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket To Scale Back Cargill Meat Products For Future Bucket Burger Output!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Bucket spokesperson: “Our buyers brokered this exciting deal from a Serbia meat outlet. Our customers should not experience any discrepancy in quality and we were able to cut costs and still clear duties at the Customs Office.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day with Tori Amos’ “Bells for Her” playing out of her Milford Sound Sensation 1912 Stereo System

“Dr. Pearl, do you have your Zippo lighter handy? I have to take a Vape Break pronto.”

“Check in the faculty lounge, Gil, next to the Mr. Coffee.”

How do we know those are are denominations in the (as an example) the ‘50’s? This whole borderline legal transactional endeavor would the best laid plans of mice and Gil if those stacks on the table were all one dollar bills. Selling World’s Finest Vapes for a George? Safe to say, they weren’t selling to soccer moms like the one that rebuffed them in the Milford IGA parking lot. Like they’d have a table set up at Milford Moose Lodge when the latter is having Silent Auction in its auditorium. Did they have to wear moose horns when Tobe was pushing Milford Herbal Farm Banana Bob’s Beastly Vape on to a 20-year member? Or how about Milford Lions Club? No, selling Milford Herbal Farms Maniac Mango Vape Delight and donating Heehaw’s bifocals for some third grader at Milford Elementary isn’t really cutting it for a story although with these plots running around like mice, well, there’s no rules in war.

And are those medicine bottles in the front. They drink Robitussin when selling Vape? That’s stretching it for social drinking, let me tell you. One more Rexall Antiseptic Mouthwash for the road. Sales are shooting through the roof even as I text. C’mon, Darrius, one more snort of Claritin before we count the next stack, you only go around once in life. Did they need a bottle opener for Listerine Mint?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coffee Cantina Rejects Latest Buyout Offer From Cargill Foods, International!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coffee Cantina owner: ‘I wasn’t about to give the secret recipes for the scones or banana bread or the caramel lattes. And the espresso machine was not for sale.”

If ya agree ta pay fer 500 sticks uv vape if Toby and Darrius will pay fer the hunting license at Milford Outdoor Shoppe when the fees are due next week cuz ya got shorted on yore paycheck at Milford Foundry, ya might be a redneck.

Again, I’m not totally in tune with the legality of selling vape sticks but I’m not sure that if I were a high school student, be it Milford, Riverdale, Hickory Huskers, etc., that I’d be wanting to tell Dr. Pearl we are peddling them in the cafeteria at lunch time. I almost have to believe selling ANY kind of tobacco on school grounds is opening myself for a peck of trouble and the subsequent disciplinary measures thereafter. Possible grounds for expulsion, in other words. Except maybe for Keri who cold-cocked another student and got off with a slap-wrist when Mike Knappe got expelled for an implement he applies Jif on Wonder Bread with. Amazing what happens when Gil stands tall against injustice until it’s his own flesh and blood. Then he’s just as bad as those parents who blame the system when their kid is in trouble for going postal.

The Flagpole Incident preceding is a prime example. Oh no, Dr. Pearl, that’s not vape, it’s 24 degrees outside. But I do have some with my butter knives in my knapsack. Want some? I’m running a special. I understand we should have gotten everybody to sign the waiver form first. I won’t sell an ounce until I get the forms from Milford Printers. Does your husband need some? I heard a rumor that his cigars got pilfered and his nicotine fits are raging worse than Keri’s hormones for Pedro. We hope to sell $400 by the end of the month. It’ll pay for new uniforms.

Are those Lucky Strikes you’re smoking, Dr. Pearl? That explains the brown teeth.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Lounge-Cargill Foods Negotiations Break Down!!!!!!!!! No Date Set For Future Dialogue!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Beth the Bartender will not transfer to the kitchen to prep chickens, that’s not up for discussion.”

Darrius is missing the point in P2. Granted, selling vapes, drugs, cigarettes, booze, Rexall Antiseptic Mouthwash in the boys room at Milford high is not a smart idea but selling them at Yellowstone is not entirely wise either. Sure, Gil and family might not show or the low probability thereof, but WHAT IF HE DOES???? Any possibility is a possibility, no matter how low. Gil might actually take charge and run you off the team the way Coach Knight did when the same thing occurred; and BTW, Coach Knight did indeed run them off. The point is, Whether you are pushing that stuff at the top of the Golden Gate Bridge or in a Kansas wheat field, you are still pushing the envelope of legality, Darrius. And WHO CARES if they don’t have any flavor!!!! Like that’s going to stop Gil from pulling a Coach Knight when he catches you selling Generic Vapes in the Badlands.

Oh yeah, I forgot, you card everybody to cover your derrière. What are you going to do, ask for ID from Joe Tourist in The Everglades? Indeed, I’m sure glad I checked for ID when that old man in a wheelchair was catching the sights on top of the Empire State Building. I’ve seen them come out of the elevator as Elmo from the Dagwood comic strip. You can never be too careful. I had to card Ziggy once because he looked to much the Rex Morgan children.

Darrius and Tobias, stick to chocolate.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Stands United With The Concession Stand Workers Against Latest Proposal!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“No way are we changing the stadium name to Cargill Family Arena, we don’t care how much they’re willing to pay to put their name on the popcorn boxes.”

Oh, brilliant. Don the same apparel that Dagwood’s sleazy cook wears just so you hope Joe Friday and Bill Gannon don’t come snooping around, nice going. Just don’t screw up that order of Bucket Chili and Buffalo Fries and nobody will notice that you are passing Diet Cherry Vipes under the table to Mr. Dr. Pearl. What did you tell the manager when he or she asked why do you want a job? Oh, I’ve always wanted a career in Bucket Cuisine and I thought one day I could move up to Lead Bucket Culinary Manager. Lots of room for advancement, I understand. Play your cards right and hide the Blueberry Vipe sticks behind the dumpster and one day I could even make an appearance on The Chopping Block. But first things first. Cook that Bucket Clam Chowder at just the right temperature and don’t spill the Orangeade Vape Sticks into the mixture. You might get Joe suspicious.

“Oh no, Mr. Friday, that’s just Orange Julius Raid. We’ve had a bevy of roaches in the Bucket Banana Split lately.”

This will be the worst sting operation should it ever come to the surface. We have lots of algae to strip away first, er, plots to negotiate through.

“We’ll return to see if Cargill Foods paid the closing costs on Gil’s house after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Here’s your order of Bucket o’ Spaghetti, Mrs. Flukegate. And your Bucket Breadsticks will be here in a moment.”

“Oh thank you, young man, uh CHOKE SPUTTER FART BLATTTT SPIT BELCH BURPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh crap, so THAT’S where the Lucky Strike Filterless Vape Sticks went. I knew I dropped them somewhere.”

“QUICK!!!!!!!!! CALL THE SHARK!!!!!!!!!! Then call an ambulance.”

“My client had no business getting subjected to a careless teenager who was selling Vape sticks by the Girl Scout cookie stand. Lucky Strikes and Samoas don’t mix. And when he forgot to put them in the cooler and they wandered in the noodles when this punk was straining the spaghetti, Mrs. Flannery Flukegate unnecessarily exposed her intestines and the rest of her gastrointestinal apparatus to these Vipers of Vitality, she had to endure 18 hours of emergency open heart surgery at Milford General and then brace herself to several weeks of rehab workouts. Seeing her on an exercise bike with 57 tubes all in her mouth, ears, eyes, gluteus maximus, navel, vena cava, lower atrial valve, cochlea, retinal nerves, nasal cavities, and instep was more than I could handle. I couldn’t eat that Underwood Deviled Ham my wife made for lunch.“

“Mr. Sharkey’s legal research team found some shocking facts. They discovered that The Bucket manager had some Vape sticks in his office because the cigarette machine was out of order. And that Dr. Pearl had been taking kickbacks from The Bucket bellhop when the order came out to Pearl’s car to augment the school coffers. They later found the Low Caffeine Vape sticks in the onion rings. She’ll be doing a ton of community service for at least three years or pay a bond issue, whichever comes first. I received $569,000,000 for compensation. Thank you, Mr. Shark!!!!!!!!”

“You heard the lady. What are you waiting for? If you turn up Muriel Cigars in your Popeye Spinach cans, call Joe Sharkey and Associates today. The Shark will make the insurance companies pay for dipping Bel-Air into the Great Value French Onion Dip. Please note that an attorney assistant that recently graduated from Milford Community College summa cum laude but has yet to pass the bar but will when he works one more summer job as a lifeguard to pay the test fee may work your case. With 34,621 filings, a little help from my friends never hurts. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

Oh look, Gang, is that a Salem Menthol sticking out of the Bucket Chicken Cacciatore? Oh wait, that’s a toothpick in the middle. My bad.

God bless you anyway.

Supplementary to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Mayor Says No!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Street by Milford Elementary will not be renamed Avenue of the Cargills.”

At Milford Lounge

“Beth, there’s a Vape in my soup.”

“I’ll go talk to the manager.”


  1. Yeah…don’t start to begin with, kid-Einstein. My dad, who graduated from college in 1957, and was a regular smoker until he realized that my kids (his grandkids) would not be doing sleepovers at my parents house because all the smoke permeation in that house would be harmful to them, since they both had minor asthma issues when they were young. He finally quit and replaced carpet, drapes, fabric furniture etc. But what he used to say was “…in 1953, the tobacco companies were passin’ this shit out for free on the college campuses and claimed that it was totally safe to smoke…we know better now, and especially the kids because they preach it in the schools…I can’t, for the life of me understand, when I see a young person start smoking in this day in age, because they know the health risks associated with cigarettes, and they are also expensive…”.

    I also used to work with arrogant SOB, who was 3-packer-a-day. He had the balls one day to ask me what I paid for the Rolex watch that I was wearing. When I told him $1600.00 (1985 prices), he said “…cough…cough…wheeeze…that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard…1600 bucks for a dam watch…you are an idiot…”. I had to respond and say ” …oh yeah? let’s do the math on them cancer sticks that you are constantly smoking…” I came up with an annual number way more than $1600 and I told him “…and you think that I’M an idiot?…yeah…ok…”. He then said “…that’s different…” and I said “…yeah… sure is…you got nothing to show for it but bad health, brown teeth and smelly clothes and I have something that I know that I can sell for at least much as I paid for it, so I guess that you’re right…now get the fuck out of here…your second hand smoke is annoying me…”. Yeah…he didn’t fuck with me after that, but he ended up in rehab anyway, since he drank as much as he smoked.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 31, 2023 @ 2:04 pm

  2. “…’Cause where I’m at, if you’re soft you’re lost –
    To stay on course means to roll with force!
    A brah named Tobe is chillin’ in a Benz,
    In front of The Bucket with the rest of his friends…
    I give him a pound, oh I mean I shake his hand-
    He’s the neighborhood drug dealer, my man!

    I go back to the Rez and hug my mother,
    Kiss my sister, and punch my brother.
    I sit down on my bed, to watch some TV…
    [*Full-auto machine gun fire*] Do my ears deceive me?
    Nope, that’s the fourth time this week –
    Another Mudlark shot dead in the streets…

    The very next day while I’m off to class-
    Doctor Pearl comes to work cold bustin’ her ass…
    Coach Ochoa’s cute but she’s got no gear,
    We got six jockstraps with my teammates I share.
    There in school, you see I’m made a fool,
    Wearing someone else’s filthy jock you ain’t cool…
    But there’s no dollars for NOTHIN’ else-
    Just beans and rice on the lunchroom shelf…

    Every day, I see our sports strugglin’-
    Now it’s time, I’ve got to do something!
    I look for work, I get dissed like a jerk…
    I do odd jobs and come home like a slob…
    So here comes Tobe, his gold is shimmery-
    He gives me three bills for a sale and delivery…
    I do it once….. I do it twice….
    Now there’s *steak* with the beans and rice!
    Doctor Pearl’s nervous but she knows the deal…
    The Cheerleaders’ gear now has sex appeal…
    Rodney’s my partner and we’re gettin’ paper,
    Three weeks later we run our own caper!
    Coach Gilberto’s is happy, everything is new…


    Comment by hitorque — January 31, 2023 @ 3:05 pm

  3. “Start from the ground, work yo’ way up to a kilo…
    Get some killers on yo team, keep one up in the chamber
    For the jackers and the dope fiends
    Fools comin’ up short, you better get ROWDY-
    Kick down doors, show motherfuckers that ya ‘bout it-‘bout it
    Break keys down to Oh-Zee’s-
    Never buy any dope without weighin’ it on the triple beam…
    Fuck soda, use B-12…
    Keep a stash for the droughts and take other niggas clientele!
    Check the mayonnaise jar for residue,
    ‘Cause every fiend you miss want three or two…

    ONE — Never talk on the phone in ya house…

    TWO — Never slang dope out ya baby mamma’s house…

    THREE — Never fuck with snitches
    ’cause niggas that talk to the police is bitches!

    FOUR — Keep a low key…
    And if you movin’ weight — treat yo’self to an Uzi!
    The first hit for free (damn!)-
    But the next time you beep me,
    You’d better have TWENTY G’s!

    FIVE — Never pay…
    Pimp hoes for the pussy, that’s the ‘Merican way!
    Clean up ya dirty money with good money
    ‘Cause legal money last longer than drug money…

    Comment by hitorque — January 31, 2023 @ 3:08 pm

  4. Finally, I have to wonder if Kazuo Luzinski was still employed might he have caught on to this illicit criminal enterprise sooner??

    Comment by hitorque — January 31, 2023 @ 3:09 pm

  5. When I read today’s strip, I read it to the tune of Curtis Mayfield. Now, thanks to hitorque, I don’t.

    Tomorrow’s post, well, tomorrow.

    Comment by teenchy — January 31, 2023 @ 8:32 pm

  6. JUST CHECKING IN ON YA!! As Bill Burr used to say. Maybe he still does. Haven’t listened in a while. Good to read your posts again, tdrew. You da man! Great story, frank. That’s the stuff I miss. Sounds like some KRS-One, hitorque. Good stuff. ROCK ON!!!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 31, 2023 @ 9:36 pm

  7. OMG!!!!!!! Jive Turkey, great hearing from you again!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for checking in!!!!!!!

    Big Man, you KNOW you are always welcome around here. If you have personal business, I will completely understand. Don’t hurt yourself.

    That said, again, the door is ALWAYS open for you on this site, My Man. God bless you.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 31, 2023 @ 9:57 pm

  8. JT!!!!.Welcome Back!….

    Comment by franku2016 — February 1, 2023 @ 8:21 am

  9. Great job, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh Hitorque, Oh Hitorque. You got me pumpin’ today with your hilarious parody. Baby, baby, don’t ever stop around here, My Man. Bravo!!!!

    Jive Turkey, again, great to have you back. You KNOW you are always welcome in this neck of the woods. I do pray that all is well and that God is looking over you. You da Man, as always.

    Gang, YOU make Democracy happen. Don’t stop now. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — February 6, 2023 @ 4:34 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: