I’ll Never Break My Dad’s Record At The Pac-Man Machine.

As long as we’re going to head off on another tangent AND render this particular tangent a gut-wrenching vignette, I might as well go ridiculous on us.

In 60 years of Gil’s existence, this venue was the last place you’d expect to see him, in large part because, when he was preaching when he did show up for practice, he would preach something only Our Daily Bread could love, i.e., “Do you want to get better and play in the NBA one day or do you want to waste your time and quarters on Donkey Kong? Your choice.” This is akin to Billy Graham preaching against the vices and moral corruption of Sin City, then showing up in Las Vegas at the crap tables. Gambling your life away is okay as long as you do it in moderation.

And explain the ABA basketball that was once the game ball between the Virginia Squires and the Memphis Tams. And shooting with a backpack???? God, no wonder why Luke Lout doesn’t give you the time of day, son. Did you ever see Pedro throw a TD pass using a snow shovel???? For that matter, did you ever see Pedro practicing free throws at Milford Arcade Adventure???? Sure, you’re having trouble putting a little arch in the ball and it’s clanging off the rim, just pop in a few quarters. See if you can’t shoot better than the Mario Brothers.

And be careful with “Gil is nice”. No, I don’t think Gil was ever accused of being an axe-murderer or Heehaw would have long been written out of this script, courtesy of Gil’s psycho side. Heehaw was taking a shower at the Bates Motel when Gil handed her more than a bar of soap. Anyway, let’s not make Gil a sugar daddy. Deadbeat and incompetent, yes, especially when it comes to coaching, but not a sugar daddy. Jami still gets an allowance to blow on his golf lessons like all the other kids.

Gang, honestly, I saw this on a matrix board at some strip joint today

“Need to pay that student loan? Come apply today!!!”

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you have an outstanding balance after you attended Harvard, there’s a pot of gold at the end of the semester.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club Takes Issue With Former Stripper Over Clause In Contract!!!!!!!!!!!”

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“Coach Ochoa: ‘Milford Community College was on quarters, not semesters. I was under no obligation to perform two extra weeks since the academic load was shorter.”

What could we do with this particular story arc that would really do any justice?

“My dad is so glued to the mirror that he rarely pays any attention to me. You’re lucky to have a dad who not only gives you quarters to play Frogger but showers you with love and affection and putting tips.”

Boy, that’s a rousing start. Too bad we don’t really have any time unless this overlaps into baseball and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the plan. Then he’s bitching that Luke Lout doesn’t take him to Milford Batting Cages enough. Just jump from one complaint to another, thereby building up a case that his dad is the second coming of Nero. Et tu, Gil?

Oh, it could be like that Charlie Brown Special where Snoopy is unhappy at CB’s home, so he moves in with Peppermint Patty (not to be confused with the one who got shipped out of town by her own mom) and eventually finds out the grass may be greener at Valley Tech but that’s because Luke Lunkhead covered the crabgrass with green Krylon. PP proves to be a worse master than Charlie Brown so Snoopy heads back home, the final straw being a mountain of dishes he has to wash.

Man, couldn’t you see Gil lay down the whip here?

“So you think I’m a nice guy, huh? Well, get down and give me 500 knuckle pushups, 250 tricep dips on the toilet seat, 600 sit-ups leaning up against the dining room wall, then run to China in back before supper. You’re lucky. The Marines made me run to Bhutan and back before chow. You got held up in a traffic jam in Hanoi, that was your problem. You couldn’t go to McDonald’s in boot camp.”

Snoopy, you better go back to Charlie Brown even if Charlie Brown likes to look at his reflection in the pond.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl To Kick Off ‘Tuition Financing’ Workshop With Owners Of Milford Girls-A-Go Go Club Being The Keynote Speaker!!!!!!!!!”

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“The students need to learn responsibility and get an inside perspective on how the workday world manages its operations.”

If ya go tha video game ta pop tha quarters in tha machine to use tha toy rifle for target practice, ya might be a redneck.

Like what is P2 meant to convey?

“Daddy Dearest never showed me how to shoot free throws here at the arcade. And I was trying to get better at Pac-Man but he was too busy pawing himself in the mirror. I had to do my homework all by myself and when I didn’t do my chores, he locked the trig tables in the basement.”

Baby, we’ve already seen one SNL episode of “Mommie Dearest when Gilda Radnor plays the abused child and Jane Curtin plays Joan Crawford.

“Oh look, another Christmas present. It’s that steak you didn’t finish at Christmas Eve dinner last night.”

I can see Luke and Luke’s Wayward Son

“Oh look, it’s an axe. No go take your Christmas present and go chop down a redwood and do it by the time the relatives get here or you’ll be eating fruit cake au jus again for dinner. We need a Christmas tree pronto because I ain’t using my Visa Gold at Milford Hatchery.”

And at Easter

“Here’s a spade shovel. Your allowance is in one of the Easter eggs. I made sure it’s six feet under and I ain’t telling you where it is. And you hit a line, I’ll take it out of your next allowance when Milford Gas & Electric sends the crew out to fine me.”

With baseball season right around the corner

“Try it on. The possum skin may be tight at first but they always stretch. I couldn’t find any catcher’s mitts but you need to build character anyway. And put some linseed oil on your chest. I’m tired of looking at those pubic ants crawling all over your pecs.”

Joan Crawford has risen from the dead, indeed.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Valley Tech Education Enrichment Seminar A Huge Success, Looking To Build Upon For Next Year!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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“VT Enrichment spokesperson: ‘Students learned they could bypass tuition reimbursement through the military and avoid risk of active combat by exposing their souls and corporeal structures at Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club. Conscientious Objectors Status never worked finer.”

“Oh look, here’s that Bucket Burger you didn’t eat yesterday. Happy Birthday.”

“Mimi, aren’t you being a little harsh? Jami did get a C in algebra. We’ll find a tutor.”

I wouldn’t mind the “One Day Luke’s Other Son Will Make The NBA” success story if he was struggling at some outdoor basketball court that uses a coat hanger for a hoop and shoestrings for the net. I really can’t fathom Horatio Alger going rags to riches at the penny arcade. That’s right, it’s where he learned to keep his elbow at a 90 degree angle to his shooting hand when tossing 15-footers. I mean, get real, Thorpiverse. Like, is Coach Thorp going to have a shooting clinic at Milford Arcade???? When you’re done playing Pac-Man, you can practice aiming for the rim???? Is Gil going to teach the Tron addict how to shoot off the fingertips???? If you see dudes lining up outside the facility, assume it’s not for the new pinball machine that was installed.

Well, there’ll be no more BONKing if the sheriff is in town, that’s for sure.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Says NO!!!!!!!!!”

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“My daughter is a big girl. And I don’t have the money for Milford Community College. I understand that Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club has a part-time opening.”

At the Martinez household one night

“Oh here, that basketball with no air I found in the vacant lot behind The Bucket. I hope you have good lips because I’m not giving you an air pump.”

“Can I at least borrow your song flute you played when you were in 4th grade?”

Whoa, hoss. We’re getting down to cases here in P3. Gil ACTUALLY standing up for a guy he almost got into a bar room brawl with several months ago? Gil, you’re out of character.

You’re supposed to say “Why, that lowdown snake. I bet he pulls wings off of flies when he’s not genuflecting before himself in the mirror. I bet he makes his wife broil his steak standing in her birthday suit. He treats you worse than the nurse’s aide at Heehaw’s place. The aide at least pours chocolate syrup on Heehaw’s ice cream at Social Hour. Here, let me teach you how to shoot a free throw so you can grow up big and strong and not have to look at your dad’s ugly goatee ever again. He shaves like he putts.”

“Gee, thanks, Mr. Thorp. My dad made me shoot free throws in a monsoon. He said it built a strong shooting hand.”

“Why, that dirty lowdown raccoon-licking elephant-head rhino butt orangutan goatee’d emu crotch’d piece of vermin who lost Teacher of the Year because he made his students do geometry proofs under a heat lamp, I’ll tear his hind end limb from limb so that people will think they’re looking at a mangled kangaroo in heat. By the way, call me Gil.”

“Sure. Gil, can you put in more quarters? The basketball machine stopped and it’s not pumping anymore Nerfballs.”

Gang, I read about burial insurance, evidently for your loved ones. I don’t have a good feeling about this.

“Did you recently lose somebody dear to you but forgot to send the premium to cover the burial costs? The check was in the mail but they kept your Aunt Bertha in the storage room until the check cleared? These trying times can indeed become more onerous when finances alter the hearse’s path to the cemetery. This is truly not a time to construct a barricade The Path to Glory.

Greetings, this is Doctor Pearl and Milford Funeral Home understands the need for financial easement when dealing with your loved ones when they ascend the Stairway to Heaven. That’s why their Burial Insurance So That Only Your Uncle George Gets Buried has proven a true financial boon for those sending off their beloved to the Elysian Fields.

Milford Funeral Home has structured several payment plans that will fit any budget for that wage earner in your family. The Self-Serve Plan entails those strapped for financial amenities. There will still be a service but for $6.33/6 months in Burial Insurance premiums, you supply the shovel and you and your family do the digging, plot-marking with the cans of spray paint included. Get peace of mind calmly aware that the family can sing “Shall We Gather at the River” and the male members are heaving Mother Earth for another soul to nestle into her Bed & Breakfast facility. She’ll be serving plenty of pancakes at breakfast, believe you me.

Some of you prefer to add a few pennies to the fire. This is not a problem. For $8.54/6 months under the We’ll Unearth The Power Plan, Milford Funeral Home will send a backhoe driver to your burial plot and you can personally observe your loved one’s entry into Eternity being ripped open for all the world to see. Isn’t it wonderful to see your loved one lowered into the hole and comforted that the backhoe driver is a licensed minister. “Just As I Am” never sounded more mellifluous.

Then there are those of you that received a raise or promotion. For $9.09/6 months under the Your Elevation Lowered Your Loved One With Dignity Plan, Milford Funeral Home will send the backhoe AND someone to move the dirt back into form. There is no reason for the minister to exhort the living to close the book on the Dearly Departed when there’s loose dirt strewn about the seats and you can still see parts of the casket during burial. This Plan will put all the pieces of the puzzle and the dirt back in its proper formation. This Plan truly helps to find closure and move on.

Why let your Dearly Departed be at the mercy of Yogi Bear and Boo Boo? Milford Funeral Home has myriad Burial Insurance Plans guaranteed to satisfy even the most skeptical who worry about where their loved one goes upon the appointed time. Milford Funeral Home does not believe the sheep and the goats shouldn’t be separated when paying your premium. Come find out the wonders of financing of your loved one going 6 feet under with dignity and respect and earthworm-free only at Milford Funeral Home.”

BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!! Oh, sorry, that wasn’t Reggie Miller. Might have been George McGinnis, he used ABA basketballs. I’m saving face somewhere, God knows I better after commenting on this farce.

God bless you, Gang.

Extra Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Hadley Baxendale Fulfills Contract At Milford Girls-A-Go Go Club!!!!!!!!!!!! Will Pursue Private Practice On April 1st Henceforth!!!!!!!!!”

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“It was worth flashing my sexy body to those drunks to get my final installment of my student loan settled up.”