“Dr. Spock, You Never Informed Me That Dr. Francesca Could Speak Fluent Vulcan.”

I liked what many of the Go Comics people were harping on in relation to this Goodwill Tour Gone Gil’d. We travel clear across an ocean via the Skyjacked! route, i.e., north to Anchorage, cut across Siberia, do a layover in Omsk, take a lunch break in Murmansk, return over the Steppes, stop to go the bathroom in Uzbekistan, fix a tire in Astana, sightsee the yurts in Ulan Bator, sail into Incheon and FINALLY find out when Coach Kim is arguing with the airport security that his #2 pencil is not a lethal weapon that Luke Loser can understand all the cuss words in Korean. Yeah, go Gil yourself, airport security. You tell ‘em, Luke, no matter what idioma is on the slate.

Then it hits me. How do we know that Lim Tak-Shi is not in reality a semi-doppelgänger for Ludwig von Siegfried and Coach Kim is really Agent 86? Heavens to Betsy, Lim could pass for the Kommisar of KAOS and I wouldn’t argue. Is this player that Loser and Kim are recruiting really a Communist infiltrator that will stage an overthrow of the Milford City Council? Wow, what a storyline, today Mudlarkland, tomorrow, the U.S. Capitol. No wonder why Loser learned the language, if Commie Carl bolts during intermission of a Valley Tech doubleheader to go commence a conflagration of Milford High School’s cafeteria or VT’s auditorium, it no doubt would help to be able to say “Get ‘em up against the wall” in Korean. It really isn’t going to do much good to be Harry Callahan and point his magnum at this Commie if he proceeds to say “Go ahead. Make my day” in Luxembourgoise. When in Seoul, do as the Seoulians do.

And then I wonder.

Why does Coach Kim need to have Luke Loser in the same capacity as Coach Thorp when he was plugging those used cars that the little old lady from Pasadena wouldn’t curb her dog in the passenger seat for, if Coach Kim can speak for himself and pretty much has so far? Why drag Hoss Cartwright off the ranch when the latter was slaughtering hogs while trying to recruit somebody? I mean, this dude better be worth it if you’re taking Rooster Cogburn to be your mouthpiece, especially when Coach Kim had been holding much of the conversation. Oh, until Coach Kim and Ludwig Lim Tak-Shi discovered that Rooster understood what they were saying when Ludwig Lim complained that Rooster needed to change deodorants. This plot is getting more inane by the Frequent Flyer miles.

I can see this one on Bonanza

“May I help you?”

“Yeah, we’re trying to recruit this All-Star from Macedonia, Mr. Cartwright, and we understand Hoss speaks fluent Macedonian.”

“You’ll have to talk with him. He’s out in the barn milking the Holsteins.”

“Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.”

“Call me Ben.”

“Sure, Ben. We think this phenom will put Dodge City on the map.”

How about The Big Valley?

“My, my, what a big ranch you have here, Victoria. We could build an extra practice field if you’re not making money on a cow pasture that the deer wouldn’t feed off of to conquer their bowel movements.”

“Call me Mrs. Barkley. And how can I assist you?”

“Well, Valley Tech is recruiting a can’t-miss prospect out of Hamburg, Germany and one of your flunkies harvesting the beets close to the San Joaquin River told me that Jarrod speaks fluent Hochdeutsch.”

“I’ll have a word with Mr. Barkley. Make yourself at home. There’s plenty of cookies over by where Heath is inoculating our hogs.”

“Much obliged, Ma’am. Hooo dogie, if Coach Thorp could see how high they grow the carrots here in rural Stockton, he might give up advertising used Conestoga wagons.”

Hey, as long as we’re going to wear cowboy hats, well, when in Dodge City, do as Wyatt Earp does. We can amalgamate Tombstone, Arizona and the Seoul Olympics and make the plot work. It might take a crowbar to thrust the square peg in this round and round story idea but did you ever see a Pony Express horse give up when it was scaling El Capitan???? The mail got through to Napa Valley and everybody went to bed without further incident.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rumors Quelled Quickly That Lim Tak-Shi Was The Engineer On ‘Petticoat Junction’ Episodes!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sources confirm his difficulty in reading the script. A teleprompter in Korean in the coal car was vetoed by the show’s director.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one lovely Teacher’s Conference day, Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” blasting out of her file cabinet so that Luhm will later have to ratchet the bolts back in place

“Gil, the Valley Tech principal called again. He said that Coach Luke is insistent you return his hat.”

“For the tenth time, Dr. Pearl, I bought that Little Joe cowboy hat at Milford Second Tyme Around Shoppe. I even have the receipt.”

Man, we goin’ global here if we are expanding into Exploding Jaw Effect. It’s not enough to take somebody’s eyeball out when it’s discovered that Hoss Cartwright can hold his own ordering in Korean at the Seoul KFC, dude, we gotta rip out the whole lower facial structure. I’d hate to see what would happen if they were touring the Seoul Fine Arts Museum and Hoss was discussing the Romantic Era in relation to Korean Renaissance water colors versus oil prints not to mention the Late Baroque that got a late jump in Gwangju but still managed to recover the style from all the pedestrian bridges that Bach and Rhee once traipsed therewith the multifaceted Sturm und Drang influence on the early Seoul skyscrapers that contributed to a more Keynesian effect on the economy, all in the Korean tongue. When Hoss could ask the security guard where the bathrooms were without even looking in the Fodor’s in his back pocket, Coach Kim’s cheeks and mandibles had to have made serious stains all over the carpet.

Doctor Morgan alert!!!!!!! Doctor Morgan alert!!!!!!!!

The physician is still MIA like Coach Kim’s jaw and has yet to be uncovered at this point. Sources say he was last seen riding on a tram over Neuschwanstein because he’d always want to see the Alps up close without his bratty kids playing cooties in the contraption, but that is mere speculation at this juncture.

In the interim, Day Umpteen of the strip has our beloved Mud “Lemuel” Mountain Murphy bellyaching that he learned his lesson and that he will never be a Moonie again, let alone play songs requiring Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s approval before ol’Mud hits the stage. He was tired of only getting flowers when performing “Them Muddy Boots” when hard cash paid for hats, either worn by Mud or Ben Cartwright. It appears that after Day Umpteen + 1, i.e., today that Mud didn’t learn his lesson after getting approached by a Hare Krishna to do “Them Muddy Boots” for the cult’s educational videos. This will delay Doctor Morgan’s return and may even divert him to the tourist group that is going to Gocheok Sky Dome to go watch the Kiwoom Heroes play. Hey, we may find Rex and a decent player to shanghai back to the states that will do Hoss and Valley Tech proud. HRAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

Korean Version of the Milford Enquirer at a Gwangju IHOP newsstand

“{Korean Phenom To Leave His Hometown Roots For Valley Conference Aspirations!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Gwangju Mayor: ‘We will give him a key to the city if he can prove that he can beat teams in a higher tier than Milford.}”

Gang, don’t misunderstand me. Having a Ring is the sweetest feeling in the world. I can personally relate. My nephew, a medical doctor, was one of the team doctors for the 2021 Atlanta Braves when they won the World Series. The first thing I learned is that those things are HUGE. Seeing it on his finger and observing the ring dwarf his appendage was incredible (ha) .

That said, I remember when Karl “The Mailman” Malone, the great NBA star for years with the Utah Jazz, once said that he took not winning a ring philosophically. In the end, it really didn’t matter whether won one or not. John Salley, a member of the two-time NBA Champion Detroit Pistons, saw it differently. On NBA Today, he had this to say

“Karl, it may not matter to you but me and Rick Mahorn and Jeff Ruland and Joe Dumars and Vinnie Johnson and Dennis Rodman and Isaiah Thomas made up our minds that if we were going to go through the grind in practices and games, we were going to get that ring. And now I have two of them. And it’s the sweetest feeling in the world. Trust me.”

Those last two words especially had a hold on me so when my nephew was in the middle of the World Series in 2021, I was glued to the radio, I wanted it so bad since I was THAT close. I took Salley’s words to heart.

Therefore, it’s not like I’m begrudging Luke Loser but it’s not like he got those playing with Aaron Judge from the Yankees or with Larry Bird when Larry Legend won rings in the ‘80’s with McHale and Parrish or with Babe when he was with Murderer’s Row or Eddie Matthews when he was with Hank or Ernie Johnson. Wasn’t one of those from his wrestling exploits (correct me if I’m wrong) ? You go clear across the Pacific to tell some Korean Dr. No that his son needs to come play baseball for Valley Tech because you won the Southern Heavyweight Tag Belt when you and Jerry Lawler beat the Moon Dogs in a Milford Cage Match? You eat Mongolian Squid Brisket at a Seoul Upscale Bistro and show off the ring you got knocking some Washington State chump on his butt, as if that’s going to convince Dr. No that you can teach his son how to throw a change or hold the runner at first? You show that one ring you got from co-advertising with Gil for Milford Metropolitan Used Cars and Accessories and find a wedding ring somebody left in the glove box when that schmuck had the tow truck haul it off his front yard? Yeah, not all rings were done above board, were they, Luke? I’m not waiting until Gil does another Milford U-Pull-It promo in the same time frame anyway.

“{Did you get that one ring out of a Cracker Jack box? Because the candy-coated stuff is all over my jacket.}”

Oooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to HRRRRAAAKKKK!!!!! this plot into the ground where it rightfully belongs. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb ({HOW!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}) , she thought Lim Tak-Shi was a dinner dish made out of an animal’s ________________”

Sorry, I forgot to tell you, part of Match Game Milford Edition was in Korean. Gene was talking in front of an audience of Seoul residents. My bad.

If ya insist on tha Seoul restaurant honoring its {Drinks 1/2 off on Wednesday} cuz ya like ta wash down tha Stir Fried Squid w/ Rice Krispies with a cold Budweiser, ya might be a redneck.

Dr. No asks the No-Brainer of the Year. Why Milford, indeed? I can assure you, I will not be boarding an airline anytime soon to a baseball diamond in Japan just to recruit a Can’t-Miss prospect to pitch on my Tuesday Night Industrial League team to help win the County Championship in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky. Flying a foreigner just to make sure you have 10 players in the field so you don’t forfeit? You have to fly to Bhutan rather than get on the phone to call someone on your roster? Yeah, Lim, here’s all the rings I won as the Extra Player/Manager for my Jug Rox Industries 50-and-Over team. Knock ‘em dead, Luke Loser.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Korean/Milford Air Lines 747 Forced To Lay Over In Hutchinson, Kansas Due To Excess Air Travel!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“K/MAL spokesperson: ‘We will taxi some of passengers to Salina where they will catch a Greyhound to Denver. This should help ease the overburdened system.”

Rex Alert!!!!!!! Rex Alert!!!!!!!!!

Doctor Rex Morgan is reportedly staying at a motel in the country of Andorra. His Visa was properly scanned and was in good working order. There were no links to terrorists. He will scale the Pyrenees and use the Basque he learned at a Wellness Seminar in Glenwood and his education, if not his presence, will be further enhanced.

Mud Mountain Murphy will sell his new New Age material (“God Is Watching Us From Fred & Wilma’s Cabin.”) to a Hare Krishna consortium. This was decided after several days that could have been spent on actual treatment of patients which I have reasoned out to have been the raison d’etre of the comic strip; sources have hinted strongly at this proposition, at any rate. While we’re waiting, Mud has promised Buck that he will not perform “Them Muddy Boots” in his Birthday Suit. Truck Tyler was not available for comment. He and Bertha Butt were last seen at a trailhead just north of the Andorra border.

Luke Loser and the Thorpiverse crowd in general, I have no doubt in my mind that this prospect would get lost in any metropolis with a 1,000,000+ population but to say he will stand out in Milford is like saying the Yankees won a few World Series Championships in the last century. Like, who’s this phenom’s competition? Vic “I licked Gil’s Nike’s in the faculty lounge to be the P.A. announcer” Doucette? Gregg “Tommy Walker” Hamm? Mike “Butter” Knappe? Corinna “Rhymes With Urine” Karenna? Pedro “At least I don’t flash an ugly walrus goatee like my dad” Martinez? “Laser” Leo Atazhoon? And don’t EVEN bring up Barry Bader. That’s like comparing Dale Murphy with Joe Schlabotnik and having them face off in a Home Run competition at All-Star break. Joe MIGHT hit one if you throw it underhanded.

Thorpiverse, you might want to phrase this one better next time.

“We’ll be back to see if Batman uses his Bat Maalox to help cure his jet lag from his trip to Korea after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I had a wonderful time in Korea and it would have been better if Coach Kaz would have been there to sweep my 823-pound body off my feet at the Demilitarized Zone Bridal Suite but unicorns don’t always emerge out of the Burger King in Jeonju. And the damper was the incident where they didn’t even frisk me for weapons when I went through Customs because there wasn’t a gate wide enough to allow me through. Imagine my humiliation when they handed me my purse after I got off the baggage cart. It was time to make some changes.
Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and I thought life was going to sink into The Dardanelles when my bilingual tour guide told me some wonderful news. Milford Liposuction Academy had a satellite in Daejong and they even had medical staff, from the janitor to the 3rd-shift clinician that spoke English. This was important for this femme fatale who just needed to lose some fatal pounds. It would have been hard to understand Bosnian if the wrong tube went up my boobs and my pocket translator was in my hotel room.

After the secretary received all my information, including confirmation that I had no prior felonies, she set me up with the resident physician who had his nurses install the proper networks into my arms, legs, eardrums, mouth, and vena cava so that the process of lipase liberation would commence.

They used Novocain to put me to sleep and I could feel the wizardry begin to work its magic. They used some special herbs that the country uses to cure constipation and it most certainly put me to sleep. I dreamed that Coach Kaz was violating my space even though it was a Registered Nurse probing everywhere, public or private, with a heart monitor extensor. Even if I knew Coach Kaz wasn’t there to hold my hand or even lower, I still was rest assured that my heart was functioning properly and that I would not contract any Korean epidemics since the country implemented vaccines for chicken pox during the lipo removal procedure. Tit for tat.

The lipo removal procedure went like clockwork overall. The state-of-the-art Latex pyrotechnic tubes that were normally installed as heating conduits from the engine block to the radiator on Hyundai assembly lines were also guaranteed to keep the lipases exodusing from my corporealness to entice me to a slimmer figure and allow me to never again sleep in the baggage system of the plane did their jobs and could ward even a careless cigarette that some flunky nurse’s aide neglected to snuff out. I was home free.

I awoke a new me, one that will keep dreaming that Coach Kaz and I will be sharing the same Nestea and Julienne fries together but I would no longer be accosted to be the bronco bull at the Seoul Rodeo Grounds. Life has its trade-offs and the beauty is one day I will be the woman of his dreams and I got a head start in that regard. You can’t get to Paris by heading to Oslo.

Come on over here in Korea where the water’s fine AND drinkable and experience a new body free of the fatty globules that does so easily beset you. And you don’t even need to bring your Langensheidt Korean Dictionary to experience the miracle of pound-shedding. Let yourself get carried away, especially in the wheelchair, and be well on the road to a new image that will get the wolves howling, not counting the ones in the Schwarzwald, only at Milford Liposuction Academy.”

Gang, Lim Tak-Shi is not Hymie. He’s a robot, remember? And do you see Agent 99 anywhere? KAOS is not trying to infiltrate the Milford Baseball team. Not as long as Cami covers for Gil’s absenteeism.

God bless you, Gang.

“You are nothing but a stupid policeman, whose luck has run out. And if I encounter anybody in SPECTRE wearing that hideous cowboy hat, I will personally send him to be executed in the Radiation Pool.”