FAME!!!!!!!! I’m Gonna Pitch Foreverrrrrr…

Baby, they look at me and tell me I can’t see

But they ain’t seen the best of me yet

Give me time, Korean phenom they’ll forget

I got more in me, this bad plot can set it free

I can catch the tripe in my hand, don’t you even understand

Remember my name

FAME!!!!!!!

I’m gonna pitch forever. This story will be on the fly [HIGH]
Nothing is coming together. People will watch this and cry [FAME]

Blast this way in the heavens. Light up the sky full of shame [GIL]
Please don’t continue forever

Baby, remember, it’s lame.

This makes no sense whatsoever. We are confronted with this Korean sensation that supposedly will put Valley Tech athletics on the map but not only do we not know how this Korean Kid did (although I assume he slammed the door or did excellent relief) but when Gil said he would go talk to Gregg Hamm, we were anticipating that he would catch Hamm working with the pitchers on a change-up.

Instead, Gregg is playing “Tea for Two” while Shorofsky took a lunch. We were expecting Shea Stadium but the taxi dropped us off at Tin Pan Alley. Like, does Thorpiverse really think we’re that stupid???? C’mon, T-verse, what in the name of Burt Bacharach does THIS have to do with Leo beating Syngman Rhee? Leo is going to mow down the Valley Tech Nine by memorizing “On a Bicycle Built for Two”?

Gil, if we wanted the stage troupe from “Fame!”, we would have watched the movie/TV show. There was this one episode where Danny auditions everywhere and gets nowhere but somehow stumbles upon this popular kids show, “Mr. Wacky”. Danny does so well off the cuff that Mr. Wacky hires him permanently, with the understanding that Danny is now Noodles on the show.

And everything is going great until one episode where Noodles is throwing baseballs at this lever connected to Mr. Wacky’s seat inside this dunking booth. And no matter how many balls Noodles throws at the lever, many of them on target to dunk Mr. Wacky, Noodles is the one getting showered with water while Mr. Wacky stays dry. Then Noodles improvises (wasn’t in the script, in other words. Lot of that going around) by running towards the lever and giving Mr. Wacky a thorough dunking. The look inside the glass of the dunking booth of Mr. Wacky in bewilderment says it all.
Once backstage, Mr. Wacky makes it clear to Noodles (Danny, remember) that only Noodles is to be the butt of the jokes. Mr. Wacky is the set-up man to that end, much to the reluctance of Noodles. Danny is understandably not crazy about he being the only one that will get pies thrown in his face.

Unfortunately, Gregg is the new Noodles. We were expecting a pitching coach but receiving a Bozo who plays like Victor Borge who gets Sara Lee Chocolate Crème’s thrust at his visage. Oh this is wacky without the Mister, fer sure, fer sure.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm Steps Down From ‘Mister Gil’s Wacky World’ On WDIG-TV!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I can go over to Valley Tech and be the pitching coach without getting dunked in the booth. Gil will have to go find another loser to do his dirty work.”

The plotline is further going down the drain when Gregg is apparently too blind to recognize the keys on the piano. Gregg, I’m no concert pianist but even I know you don’t play “Fame!” on keys towards the high end of the instrument. It’s entertaining to watch women dance to a pitch equivalent to Alvin & The Chipmunks of Donna Summers’ “MacArthur Park”. The dental drill version of The Trampps’ “Disco Inferno”? Are you serious? We’re getting our chain jerked anyway; must it get jerked further by listening to some falsetto version of “Brown Sugar”? ELO’s Kelly Groucutt did a wonderful job as the falsetto backup for years. I just don’t think it works on “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

And whaddup with the seat? You couldn’t even fit Gumby in that contraption. I guess if Gregg is blind, he doesn’t know better so Mother Nature cuts him some slack which is just as well. If his vision was 20/20, he’d fall on his ass. Boy, what logic around here. Tommy in a seat barely able to seat a raccoon, now that’s a story backdrop. Remind me to order one like that in case my vision goes he way of this plot.

REX ALERT!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!

Rex and Gil are now in a Kentucky Derby horse race of their own and this may go nose-and-nose in a photo finish. Rex is still MIA after Mud Mountain Murphy explained his repentance but goes right around and bows to Dr. Moon even as Ravi Shankar escaped the brig and is somewhere on the boat, God knows where (pardon the pun) . The solution, of course, is for Fred & Wilma to sit on their asses for 3-4 more weeks until plot realization comes full circle. We will serenade you with “Them Muddy Boots” on Muzak while the investigation continues.

No truth to the rumors that Gil and Ravi Shankar are the same people. Gil has no clue how to play the sitar. Same with Rex. He may be pulling a Dr. Schweitzer on us in the jungles of Borneo to conquer herpes among the natives but he hasn’t committed a documented felony. Don’t jump to conclusions in the name of plot sanity. Take a powder and relax.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm To No Longer Play The Fool And Walk Into The Dunking Booth On ‘Gil’s Wacky World’!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Somebody FINALLY shut the door.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day, with Head East’s “Ticket Back to Georgia” playing over the intercom

“Dr. Pearl, have you been on Mr. Wacky’s show lately?”

“No, Gil, I’m afraid I lost my footing in the faculty lounge during the End-of-Year Celebration.”

I am not EVEN going to try to interpret what the heck is being said in P2. First off, I have never EVER seen “What even” anywhere, comic strip, Herman Wouk novel, newspaper, Bible, Paul Harvey broadcasts, “60 Minutes”, interviews with Michael Jordan, etc., etc., etc. That word HAS to be “whatever” and there is no way you can convince me otherwise. Is this some esoteric phrase that only a few can interpret while the rest of us intellectually stunted sit and grovel with envy that some people possess intelligence somewhere between Dr. Spock and Jeffy from The Family Circus? Did Harrison Ford use this phrase in “American Graffiti” right about when he’s about to drag race Richie the C or Arthur Fonzarelli or What even was challenging him for drag racing bragging rights? “What even” sounds like something out of Hamlet

“What even thou hast done anon yea verily to slay my father

‘Twill vengeance wrought twice upongst Gil and Rex, where’re they what even ply their trade, fare ye well.”

Then FAMILY???? The blonde is a faint trace of Mimi and the other shot out of nowhere. Greg Brady assumes responsibility of the pitchers for Milford High School by playing “Nutcracker Suite” on a cheap Hammond organ while Marcia and Cindy and Alice the Maid cavort around the room???? What makes this worse, this was an interruption of that Korean Kook who was sent in by Luke Loser to save the day for VT Baseball. So we can only speculate that Pedro pissed in his pants while Korea Kid slammed the door that got shut off from civilization because Yogi Berra proved it ain’t over ‘til it’s over by continuing this travesty with a musical from “The Music Man” to “South Pacific”, Yogi on the kazoo. Way to strike out the side, Yogi. If you see a fork in the road of this farce, take it. That’s only logical.

If ya dance ta “A Country Boy Can Survive” being played by the same organ Grandma Redneck played even when the keys were gettin’ yellower than her teeth, ya might be a redneck.

At Mr. Wacky studios

“Rex, where have you been? We’ve been looking all over from you!!!!”

“I needed some extra income and the lemon meringue was pretty tasty. Just don’t tell my wife I’m really Noodles.”

GIL ALERT!!!!!!! GIL ALERT!!!!!!!!!!

As told in “Confessions of a Double Agent”, Gil, Rex, and Chuck Barris (Gong Show host, recall) were engaged in an assassination attempt in Guatemala as the resident dictator was proving too repressive, judging by the Pizza Hut’s that were scaled back in the name of economic recovery. Rex should make it back to his practice and will likely hitchhike on the Glenwood Across The Caribbean once the hit has been executed and Rex’s papers clear customs. If he shaves every other day, he and Chuck should be in a cabin next to Fred & Wilma before the night’s out. Gil will take more time but a few more kickbacks to the kitty should get him back in the dugout by Friday.

Vincent Price was an excellent actor, having been in horror flicks like the Dr. Phibes series. The one complaint that some of his colleagues had about him was he emoted his part dead in the ground. I personally loved his style but can feel people’s take on the issue. God knows that Gregg Phibes is getting carried away with, what? “Machine Head” by Deep Purple? “I Found A Million Dollar Baby At The Bucket At Rush Hour” by Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs? Getting excited over Vic-TOR-ia by playing the Brady Bunch theme on the pipe organ as huge as the Nick’s Pizza semi? That’s right, Gregg Phibes, have them dancing in the aisles playing Joe Walsh’s “A Life of Illusion” on the Wurlitzer. You got them in a whirling dervish. I don’t understand the connection between this and baseball but one over-emoted song at a time.

At Mr. Gil’s studio

“I’m singggggggggin’ in the rain, just sinnngggggin’ in the rain, how happy to be-“

“Okay, Noodles, you’ve gotten splashed enough. Don’t get the uniform too wet or I’ll have to cancel practice. And don’t even THINK of having Leo pitch a strike at the lever.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Chuck Barris and Coach Thorp Allegedly Finger Wrong Criminal On Glenwood Across Mars Tourlines!!!!!!!! Rene Belluso Still At Large!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Fred: ‘I am confident Mr. Barris will get his man. BTW, I was a fan of his on The Gong Show. A teacher colleague of mine got gonged because he told jokes worse than Gil.’”

Concerning P3, Gregg, I hate to burst the toy piano you’ve misapplied your fingers thereupon, but do you honestly think anyone is losing sleep over whether you’re Ray Charles or a sting ray? I’ll admit that you’re confusing the daylights out of the readership because one week you can play pinball at Milford Amusement Center like Tommy Walker, then the next week you’re Don Larsen in the ‘56 Series. But let this three-ring circus prevail in our daily routine by waving your supposed blindness the way a horse rider waves a carrot in front of Mr. Ed? Are you serious? We have better things to do than wonder if Dr. Phibes is overemoting his glaucoma and occasionally riding the umpire because Gil doesn’t have the fortitude to get the answers straight to Dr. Phibes’ blindness-on-the-spot. Heck, he can’t even play “Chopsticks”. Leastwise, I hope that’s not what they’re sashaying to.

Then there’s the tidbit I learned today that diabetics are more likely to contract Erectile Dysfunction. Man, all those Ho Ho’s, could it be that… Hmmmmmmmm.

Mud Mountain Murphy on the Glenwood Cruise Across The Zodiac in a luxury suite with the Glenwood Cruise Resident Slut

“Woman, I have more to offer than what’s inside my cowboy hat and I fully intend to take ‘em up on the “Rape Her Within 20 Minutes And The Session Is Free” offer. Now get’em off and let’s go to work!!!!!!”

“Oh Lemuel, the way you talk dirty tantalizes me no end, I feel your earth move under my feet and bod-WOW!!!!!! Looks like someone’s a diabetic and those Nick’s Diner Mt. Everest Banana Split Saturdays are beginning to take their toll.”

“Woman, that ain’t no way ta talk to a man!!!!!! I got my pride!!!!!! I can bang more than my guitar and I’m just about ta show ya the ropes!!!!!”

“Lemuel, I’ve gone to bed with apron strings and I had to fake the enjoyment. I can’t fake earthworms dug out of the ground. You have to start laying off on those Triple-X Hot Fudge Sundaes they serve at the Glenwood Cruise 24/7 Lounge.”

“Now looky here!!!!!!!!!! I got a reputation ta protect and I’m not ‘bout ta see my manhood get fired off like Buck did with my career!!!!!!!! You’re gonna love Them Muddy Boots or my name is Bugs Bunny with a Capital B!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Bugs Muddy, if you’d cease devouring Eggs Benedict Strawberry Shortcakes at the Cruise’s Breakfast Break, you might pump a lot faster. They had to call in a couple of extra servers just to accommodate your fanatical approach to early morning cuisine. I’m surprised you didn’t eat the rooster that went cock-a-doodle-doo. Wasn’t topped with Domino’s sugar could be the only explanation.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!!!!!!! I still have 3 minutes and I am going to rip it off and go to town even if it’s a bronco that ain’t learned it’s lesson at the Glenwood Rodeo!!!!!!!!”

“Lemuel, you couldn’t even ride on the kiddy pony up front at the Glenwood Wal-Mart when you were consuming all those Strawberry Pop Tarts they were passing around at your last concert. No wonder why your manhood jumped off the ship with Rene Belluso. I’d be hiding too if your manhood was no thicker than a Slim Jim Reduced Fat Calorie Sensitive piece of work.”

“NOW LOOKY HERE!!!!!!! If ya think-“

BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG

“Time’s up. The offer expired. Do you want to pay debit or credit?”

“Thank God there was a Milford Men’s Clinic next to the Glenwood Cruise Health Spa. I got enlarged and a massage to boot. It don’t get no better than that. With all the proven treatments and a stern lecture on cutting back on the sweets, The Clinic was a godsend for this sexy cowboy performer. Hey, this cowboy will gladly stuff the Twinkies in the garbage can if he can rape Dolly Parton for free and beat the buzzer in the bargain. Come rape your own Dinah Shore when you ditch the Snickers, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, listen, for a plot idea, how about Gregg and Mud playing “Them Muddy Boots” while the ladies dance around so playfully? WHAT???? You don’t think it’s a good plot idea???? How about Alice Cooper and Mud then???? Playing “You Drive Me Nervous”???? Well, the last song sums up my feelings for the plot-jerking so far anyway.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

BABY, HOLD ME TIGHT, ‘CAUSE YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT

YOU CAN SHOOT ME STRAIGHT TO THE TOP

GIVE ME LOVE AND TAKE ALL I GOT

TO GIVE

BABY, I’LL BE TOUGH

TOO MUCH IS NOT ENOUGH-

“Gil, can the Fame! schtick and come to bed.”