This Week in Milford

January 10, 2019

The Billboards Are Due On Maple Street

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Gil, aren’t we understating THE OBVIOUS????? My Friend, you were just awarded Comment of the Year by the Milford Kiwanis Club. Wanta know who got #2? None other than Marty Moon for stealing Calvin Coolidge’s maxim “I choose not to run”, when Moon was asked if he was interested in the station manager’s job at WDIG after the present manager retires. Suspending people for saying “He plays like elephant poop”  and “Gil has a face that bears a striking resemblance to Dumbo’s butt” on the air can start to wear on you down the years.

Melodramatic??????? Really??????? I don’t know about you, Coach Thorp, but I’m beginning to like Larry, Curly, and Moe run the basketball team.

“Nyuk, nyuk, let’s run that give and go a little faster.’

“Yeah!!!!!! And no dunking on the volleyball net!!!!!!!” BOP!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Well. I was going to get that video lined up for today, “The Radio City Rockettes at the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club” but the VCR ate the tape and I gotta sort through the spools and that’ll take some time. How ’bout a Twilight Zone episode instead???? I know, I know, watching strip to “New York, New York” accompanied by Coach Shaw on the jazz guitar and Gil on the baritone would have been a fascinating after-Christmas presentation but I KNOW there’s a lot of y’all that love to be Zonin’. Let’s Zone the night away, shall we?

 

I mean, really. Remind me to remind you that this could just be a front. Anyone remember “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?” Isn’t this just the same difference?

And remember Claude Akins, before he attended Northwestern and majored in Tractor Trailer Technology with a minor in French and went on to pursue a rewarding career driving Kenworth’s on “Movin’ On”, when he appeared on that Twilight Zone episode? Well, gang, guess I shouldn’t give the story away but he WILL figure mightily in the festivities today. He’s taking a break and somebody else is taking his seat in the semi.

“I’mmmmmmm Mr. Mooney and I have driven Freightliners beforrrrreeeeeee.”

Yeah, but looks like you’re having trouble getting it from 4th to 5th gear.”

“I can alllllllwwwayyyysssss call Mrs. Carmichael. She’s been going through the Swift Trucking Schooooooolllllllll when she’s not working at the bannnnkkkkkkkkk.”

 

GIL THORP AND CLAUDE AKINS GO TO THE SAME BARBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Look, Marty, I catch enough of your shit on the radio but this time you’ve gone too far. Some of my best friends watch Claude Akins on ‘B.J. and the Bear’.”

Mimi rushes up, barely missing the Lamar Outdoor Advertising billboard.

“Gil, every other comic strip’s plot has the lights on in its house except for ours. Let’s ask Billy, Jeffy, Dolly, P.J., and Barfy what the deal is. They live one block over.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Don’t let them go!!!!!!!!! They’re trying to escape with the rest of E.T.’s friends!!!!!!!!!! I knew you ate too much quiche at The Bucket!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t get suspicious until you insisted to the waitress to start adding Edam cheese!!!!!!!!!!! He’s not as macho as he’s been presenting himself the last 60 years!!!!!!!!”

“That’s not true!!!!!!!!!!! My husband just beat out G. Gordon Liddy to pose for the Marlboro Man when they had to find a replacement after the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer at our basketball game with Tilden!!!!!!!!!”

Claude using his French major to good use

“Arretez-vous!!!!!! Arretez-vous!!!!!!!!! Ne soyez pas malade!!!!!!!!!!”

“Claude, we’re not crazy but Gil goes to Fine Cuts. His barber died of a heart attack last year.”

 

 

Kaz’s earring is wired in gaudy

And Gil’s hair is combed out wrong

You better take off this masquerade

Cuz this stupid plot

Is too lonnnngggggggggggg

 

A little Procul Harum for those of you listening while you’re going down the elevator. “Homburg” is the tune, you whippersnappers.

 

BUT CLAUDE USES MORE BRYLCREAM THAN GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Kaz, I don’t even use Brylcream anymore. That went out with the Hula Hoop. I use Vidal Sassoon Extra Hold Deer Scent. You, more than anyone else, oughta know when we hit the Milford Athletic Club what toiletries I use the way you’re always mooching for my Old Spice Watermelon Wonder Soap on a Rope and slapping on my Mennen Cool Mist After Shave behind my back.”

“Look who’s talking!!!!!! If you’re gonna swipe one of my jock straps, will you at least put ’em in your Maytag and wash the damn things, cold cycle preferably????? My doctor diagnosed me with Jock Strap Rub and it keeps me awake at night!!!!!”

“Kaz, between signing contracts for officials for Mimi’s basketball games and helping my kids with their pre-school pre-algebra homework, I don’t always find the time to get the mildew. I have used Lysol in the past. Did you ever try to call around for zebras for Mimi’s 5 basketball games????? I’m lucky to have 2 games under my belt so far. And I had to promise one that Rick would wash his referee shirt after the game.”

Claude intervenes.

“I’ll do one of the games. I have my Middle School License through the High School Athletic Association.”

 

Parents complain about YOU, Gil???????? Coach, from what I’ve heard, they pray 5 times a day facing the Mudlark gym. ANYBODY caught complaining on this strip will have his day in court for, 3-4 months at the max, but we all remember what happened several plots ago when Mr. Promoter tried to plug his nephew and his singing talent. He had his nephew AND Gil on the ropes until the script called for Dad to come in and clean things up. We could have used Santa Claus, Barney Fife, Don Rickles, Ed McMahon to run Mr. Promoter out of town but that’s pressing our luck if we want to make restoring your status half-way believable.

“And now, HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE’SSSSSSSS GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Thanks, Ed, good to be restored to the strip. Guess one shitty apple doesn’t spoil the punch. It’s nice to know all the parents and Doc’s band still support me.”

No.

 

 

 

 

MIMI COACHES A BIDDY BALL SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaz’s girlfriend and Mimi at each other’s throats

“I never put that billboard up but if you’d play some REAL teams instead of those ones you phone out of the Milford Yellow Pages under ‘Social Organizations’, you’d have a couple of championships under your belt, Girl.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t the one to sprinkle extra garlic on the Texas Toast Tomato Souffle when the recipe called for paprika. You could’ve caused a white rhino to sneeze his horn off the way you threw your ingredients on the baking pan.”

“Ladies, ladies, now take it easy. There’s no need to fuss at each other. Just cool down and eat another slice of Texas toast. And pass the pimento peppers.”

Claude takes a bite.

“Ummmmmmm, good!!!!!! Where’d you find the recipe?”

“Oh, my great-grandmother baked them for the GI’s when she was a WAC, she-”

BBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Sorry, Ladies. Anybody got a Tums?”

“PHEWWWW, Claude, you’re gonna start a riot if you don’t get back on that spaceship with Gazoo.”

 

 

The funky-looking tree behind Gil saying “Hi Mom” is due in Gil’s office on Maple Street.

‘Nuff said.

 

 

 

MARTY MOON STAPLES HIS GOATEE ON HIS FACE BECAUSE HE RAN OUT OF EPOXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Peaches, that was a pretty low blow. I know I may have a flat tire when we go to bed that needs to be pumped up to at least 35 pounds PSI but leave my Leon Trotsky look alone. He’s my idol. In fact, Mr. Mooney is trying to sport one just like this to intimidate Lucy Carmichael into working faster.”

“Darling, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yeah, you need a Breathalyzer Test done on your wim-wim but I don’t even have a stapler. You’re just being your usual paranoic self. Happiness is so unreal and love you definitely cannot feel, not with that steroid-starving specimen.”

“Claude, isn’t this your time to intervene? The Twilight Zone is about to end and Rod Serling is due anytime now to step to the plate.”

“Marty, you suck. Ain’t no way I’m standing up for a guy who skipped his group therapy session at the Milford Men’s Clinic. I’m shovin’ off in my truck after Will is done showering in the cab.”

 

Gang, raise your hand if you’re tired of the North By Northwest shot in P3. Don’t you just love the Transitive Property of Equality being employed while Cary Grant is hanging off of Kaz’s left nostril? Don’t think Hitchcock was THAT innovative.

So let’s go ahead and work out the logic while Hitchcock devises a way for Cary Grant to get down (“We could try an escalator. It worked when ELO did ‘Xanadu’. Think of the majesty and grandiloquence of the concept.” “YEAH!!!!!!! THAT’S IT!!!!!!!! Anybody have Jeff Lynne’s number?”) .

 

Only smarmy pricks who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Electronics because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11 can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin is a smarmy prick who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Technology because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11.

Quod Erat Demonstratum

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.

 

I think we have narrowed down our culprit. We know does not refer to Felix the Cat. Don’t bother. I checked.

 

DR. PEARL DOES HER SOPHOMORE ATTENDANCE REPORTS FOR JANUARY IN THE RAW!!!!!!!!!!!

“Ms. Rizk, I know I’ve been encouraging you to get your head out of that typewriter but honestly, did you have to resort to desperate measures to get a little sunshine?????? You ever try to go to the Milford Tanning Clinic?????? You’d be browner and my reputation would be intact.”

“Mrs. Clampett, I have no clue what you’re talking about. If you would have backed me when I had that run-in with Beaudry’s parents after I’d flunked him, there’d be no need for this conversation. Why would I waste my time insulting you on a billboard when I can say to your face that Mrs. Butterworth and you put fillers in their bras?”

“WELL!!!!!! Sonny-”

“Claude, ma’am.”

“Sonny, Claude, Red Sovine, whatever, I just want to get a Honeywell Word Processor and smash her head!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, don’t do that. Mz. Rizk, I’m sorry, I gotta call it like I see it. I’m getting erect for Granny Clampett right now. Her beehive and her false bicuspids are just sending blood through my dick. No need for an ED commercial here. Would you mind leaving the office?”

“Oh, Claude, you say the sexiest things. So you graduated from Northwestern…”

 

Gang, some of you have already commented away and I thank you MIGHTILY for the support and the discussion has been TERRIFIC so far. If ya wanna jump in, have at it. Democracy works, gang. Keep it going so we ALL can breathe.

 

“Wow, Gazoo, you were right. Just put up a few billboards and the next thing you know, the Governor has to call out the Guard on Milford.”

“Yes, yes, my slinky friend. I used the same technique in Bedrock. When I put up a sign that said FRED FLINTSTONE AND MR. SLATE ARE IN A SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP AT THE BEDROCK QUARRY, Barney and Fred were shooting their air-powered rifles at each other in their respective backyards. And Bedrock shared a similar fate with Macchu Pichu.”

“Looks to me like Coach Thorp will get voted out by the survivors and that Kaz will move to West Beverly Hills High School where Dylan Mckay will be his only problem child. And he doesn’t even play basketball.”

“Oh, Coach Thorp is a dum dum. I’ve been telling Dr. Pearl that for years. Maybe now she’ll listen. Want to go for a spin in my UFO? They have a great sushi restaurant on Neptune.”

 

I SHOT COACH SHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

signed

http://www.anonymouspsychomegalomaniac.com

 

“I got a run to Salt Lake City and Will’s been driving for 16 hours!!!!!!!!! One intervention at a time!!!!!!!!!!!! You hold off Freddy Krueger and Coach Shaw until I get back, goddammmit!!!!!!!!!”

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December 29, 2018

A Deflection… Until Monday

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Holy carp, three solid days of basketball action!  How are we gonna snark on this?  I mean, besides the obvious weekend cliffhanger, that is.  Let’s try to break down the action:

  1. Who is passing the ball to whom in P1?  Looks like it’s Hatter #23 that’s making the pass to the guy in front of Mudlark #11 Filion who, I’m guessing, will make the deflection.
  2. Paul Beaudry (if that’s supposed to be who was leading the “late rush”) wore #4 for the Mudlarks in the home opener.  Either Paul dyed his locks in the interim or that’s another kid wearing #4 on the road.  It could happen.
  3. Deflecting the pass to the opponent isn’t exactly “swatting it away.” If this leads to the Hatter making the basket and giving Danbury the one-point win, that will give Filion even more to stew over on the bus ride home and during me time.

Then what?  Then who needs to toughen up?  Then who goes all postal thinking Two Billboards Outside Milford are about them?  Then who tracks down Older Bobby Howry via Skyborne Advertising and stuffs his Adderall where the sun doesn’t shine?  This and more will be revealed to us sometime before Major League Baseball’s Opening Day, but probably not before the start of spring training.

December 19, 2018

Warriors! Come out to play-ay!

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The Arapaho(e) are a Native American tribe of the Great Plains. Arapahoe High School, near Denver, unfortunately made national news almost five years ago to this day for a shooting which left one student dead and the shooter taking his own life.

Well, after that bit of cheer to start off our day, let’s dive in to the traditional Mouseketeer Roll Call of the roster.  This time it’s Marty who’s doing the roll call, as it appears that Marjie whipped out the pepper spray on Gil once he started becoming too much of a close talker.  “Sorry, Mr. Coach Thorp, mediocre may be good enough for Mrs. Coach Thorp, but it’s not good enough for me.”

Marginal Mike Filion and Nosey Parker Andre Ruffin form the backcourt. The starting forwards are seventh-year senior Paul Beaudry and – wait, what?  Is Jorge Padilla still in Milford?  How did Marty pronounce his name? (I’m guessing correctly given Moon’s chastened, pissy look on his face.)  Have the Padillas not moved back to Puerto Rico or at least Georgia?  Rubin dropped the ball bigly on the Padilla story last winter, and I doubt he’ll be picking it up again now.

Nope, my guess is that when we’re not delving into the mystery of Two Billboards Outside Milford or watching Filion having me time in his bedroom, we’ll get some minor focus on “scrawny,” “lanky” center Marcell Irby (thanks to whom I can’t stop thinking of Jerry Clower, which probably says more about me than Rubin) and his struggles in the paint.  Burly Rick Soto will probably sub for Marcell after he gets banged around and Milford will lose any height advantage it may have had.

Arapahoe’s sports teams* are called the Warriors, a perfect setup for Milford’s nerdy cutesy snarky student body.  Maybe Ernie from My Three Sons and the Milford Pirate Network can lead the fans in the chant.

 

 

 

 

*Colorado high school basketball teams participate in playoffs, not playdowns.

May 10, 2018

You’re Out of Order, Bader!

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The Mets got busted for batting out of order yesterday and the Twittersphere had fun with it.

Screenshot-2018-5-10 Dyllmonger on Twitter

What’s Gil’s excuse? His lineup card reads 1-2-x-x-6-7-8-9-10. Let’s zoom in on it:

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Most of these guys are Milford’s usual suspects:

1. Mike Filion was the Mudlark’s undersized QB last fall

2. Barry Bader, well, you know him. Still showing zero signs of maturation

x. Andre Ruffin knows how to host a party

x. Pete DeWindt has been here since, like, forever

6. The same could be said for Paul Beaudry

7. Pelwecki has long worn out his welcome. His Rosie the Riveter pose pales in comparison to Lucky Haskins’ but he’s feeling it*

8. Jorge Padilla, like his MLB namesake, is an outfielder (or some new position, CH). We’ll find out if that skinny kid can jump and rob hitters of homers

9. We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? Lazy!

10. Larry Arroyo was introduced to us as a non-Pelwecki sub for Barry Bader but now he’s a pitcher third baseman – that is, if he’s the same guy

May River has to be a long ride from Milford; maybe that’s why Gil’s lineup card is so wonky. Bluffton (home of May River High) has become known in recent years as an affordable alternative to nearby Beaufort and Charleston for Yankee retirees. Maybe Mr. Bakst or some other Milfordians have moved there and will form a home away from home crowd for the Mudlarks. Play ball!

*Note Pelwecki is written in at DH, but no pitcher is named; Arroyo, batting last, is at 3B (oops – teenchy)

April 27, 2018

At least there’s a hottie in this thread

Filed under: huge earrings, Milford Weirdos, Pantheon of Hair — robmize2013 @ 6:42 pm

… aand that would be in P2, but first we have an insensitive remark by Paul Beaudry in P1, basically saying good thing Barrys dad is safely in jail where he belongs. Who gives a crap about his life and how its affecting his family?

P2 has Dafne pondering – hey, maybe I care. But I dont care in the way I should – I care because I need to snoop around the Bader house as well as that smelly jail and get the lowdown on the whole backstory of the storyline we went through 2 years ago. And I’m gonna have my smokin hot body with my huge earrings and sleek hairstyle in as many panels as I can these next 2 months. And if that means Pelweki and his assinine launch angle crap is shoved down the nearest toilet asap, so be it. Matter of fact, I’d like to make the first flush. Hey, I’ll have one of the baseball players smash that bat he’s wielding right between his legs. Then when he’s explainin  that crappola it will come out about 3 octaves higher.

And who cares if we never play a ballgame between the boys and girls- between me and Marjie Ducey we can carry this strip to June by ourselves and actually let the readers enjoy themselves for a change. Who needs all these other douchbags?

I’m liking this storyline; we have a dumb male, and a smart female; and the dumb male will only be filler for the smart females adventures in discovering the real reasons for what happened that fateful night 2 years ago when Boo Radley became the sad answer to a trivia question.

 

April 26, 2018

Les Expos(ition) sont là

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Hope y’all like exposition ’cause today’s strip is nothing but.

I guess the Padillas are going to stick around in Milford for the rest of the school year. It may be interesting to see what magical baseball skills Jorge’s endowed with*, and whether Marty Moon will make on-air comparison between him and one of baseball’s Puerto Rican greats.

Paul Beaudry finally gets a face, and it’s Amy Lange’s. Speaking of faces, we haven’t seen Barry Bader’s since the end of the spring/summer 2016 arc. We only saw him in profile and at a distance last season. Wonder if he’ll stay on model?

Help me out with the English grammar in P3, please: Is Carrie describing the Del Bader/Boo Radley/unidentified pickup truck driver who dropped a CD incident correctly? Or does that read like Father Bader killed a girl who was driving drunk?

*Remember, he’s already had a cup of coffee with the Nats. On that topic, the inspiration for the post title:

 

September 23, 2017

Transition into Ambition

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Today we learn that The Secret Pelwecki will share linebacking duties with an internationally-known professor of economics (or maybe a bassist) who is currently on leave from his day job. If Pelwecki is to be a right guard/linebacker/fullback/butt of jokes (or, in Milfordese, RG/LB/FB/BOJ!) why is he getting reps at QB? Even more curiously, why is he wearing True Standish’s number? (BTW that link also shows an instance of Gil actually using a fullback.) You might think Gil would’ve retired that jersey and put it in a littlefreelibrary shrine on campus.

So: a bunch of slow receivers too small to play tight end. A small, scrappy, quick quarterback. A couple of decent offensive linemen, one of whom will occasionally line up at fullback. What kind of offense will Gil put on the field this fall? Speculate away.

December 31, 2016

Up and Downsville

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 3:13 pm

A few years ago I was at a local town meeting about some issue, and my neighbor down the street stood up and said “I dont want to have the last word but…” but he did as nobody else spoke and the meeting adjourned. Well it looks like I have the last word for 2016.

The Downsville Eagles are a real high school team in Downsville New York, so the Larks either boarded a plane or else that bus smelled pretty raunchy from the long trip with unis on. Hopefully Aaron stayed for the New Years party at Times Square after the game; I know all-nighters are a thing for him so why not practice what you’re good at? Maybe Ryan Seacrest needs the night off and AA can host.

Then they play boring ol Tilden in the Valley and AA is back to his C game. Coaches cant figure it out; the answer will be revealed by May, but already if you’re not fed up with looking at this weirdo you’re in the minority.

And yeah he scored 18 blah blah but did they win? I know plenty of guys who scored a lot and their teams were under .500 for their career. Pete Maravich in the NBA was a great example. In his 8 full seasons his team had 1 winning record. One. And LSU never made the NCAA tourney while he was scoring 44 points a game for 3 seasons. Yes I know it was harder back then to make the field but still, winning basketball is more then 1 guy racking in all the points. Wilt always outscored Russell but who had more rings? You think I didnt get tired of watching Michael score 35 a game for the Bulls and go 0-9 in the playoffs before he figured out if he shared the ball they’d win more? 6 banners in the United Center tell that tale.

Yeah good thing Paul Beaudry got hot. Why are the coaches worried about who scores how many? I had said before that defense is more important anyway in hoops. With those wings AA should be blocking shots like Akeem the Dream or Ewing  back in the day. Thats what you do when the shots arent falling. But he gets alligator arms like in the commercial with the check on the table.. and I can see him enjoying that duck too!

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