This Week in Milford

September 21, 2020

Bonfire?

These are the two quarterbacks, right? I don’t remember what they look like. Let’s say they’re Rapson and Thayer, but I’m not gonna swear I know which is which. The point is that one of them has now caught a glimpse of Corina and he’s interested. The other one wonders if he might get a leg up on the QB competition if his rival is smitten by the Milford “it girl”.

It’s all about Corina, friends. We’d better just get used to it. She’s sassy and brassy, she’s a catcher, she’s a prospective volleyball player, everybody’s talking about her and she’s just getting warmed up at Milford High School.

So could we tear our attention away from Corina for one panel so we can show this flippin’ bonfire? We can cut back to Corina afterwards as she stares into the flames, consumed with impulses to make the world BURN!

ETA: I just read of the sudden passing of Bill Bickel, aka CIDU Bill, who wrote the Comics I Don’t Understand blog. (It’s been over there among the Comics Mockage Posse links since the early days of TWIM.) I was not a regular reader, but I dipped in from time to time and enjoyed Bill’s unique angle on comics blogging. RIP CIDU Bill.

October 15, 2016

Too Wet for a Bonfire, I Reckon

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Milford is looking like Carter-Finley Stadium did last weekend and Gil has been following Notre Dame’s game plan. Why he has Hakeem throwing the ball in this weather is beyond me. Time for deus ex trainer Heather Burns to step in, tell Gil that The Secret Pelwecki has been practicing handoffs all week in the cafeteria and should step in to replace Archer. Gil will then either (a) ignore Heather’s advice, leading to Hakeem bungling a handoff and to a Mudlark loss (shouldn’t Mudlarks like playing in the mud?), or (b) take Heather’s advice and let Pelwecki lead the Mudlarks to victory, then admit that a girls’ soccer washout can do a better job of coaching his team than he can.

I’ll admit this contrivance isn’t what we might have been expecting but this arc is feeling just a bit too contrived. If only the girl kicker meme had been carried through; combined with the tough girl characters Rubin’s been introducing (if not developing) in the past several arcs, we could’ve been treated to a scenario similar to what North Penn (PA) football fans were treated to recently.

metapost: Thanks to Tim for covering for me on extremely short notice this past Thursday.

September 28, 2015

This Show Is Headed Down The Primrose Way To The Everlasting Bonfire

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, freak hands, Milford Idiots — nedryerson @ 4:02 am

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Cameras are rolling on Welcome Back, Carter starring Holly Dobbs. Nothing says reality show high school English like some Shakespeare and some spontaneous sports related fist raising. C’mon idiots, get those fists up there, as if you don’t care, pray thee, odds bodkins, etc.

September 23, 2020

And Awaaaay We Roh!

Filed under: actual action, football, hideous scar faces, metapost, Oakwood, shadow figures — teenchy @ 11:20 am

Bonfire’s out of the way, let’s get to footballin’.

Marty’s mom and dad have moved his crate out of the basement into the attic so he peer out the roof vent and down onto Milford. This better situates him to indulge his sportscaster fantasies. Marty always acts so shocked to see the Mudlarks line up in some offensive formation that fell out of favor decades ago. He should know by now that’s Gil’s fallback position when he lacks the horses (or confidence in the horses he has) to play the modern version of the game. All anyone who scouts Milford has to do is hit the library for some dusty old volume on how to defend against these archaic offenses and that’s all she wrote for the Mudlarks.

Gil starts the season with two runs up the gut from Charlie “Ruh” Roh, last year’s backup RB and wish fulfillment vehicle for Chet Ballard. Speaking of whom, where is old Chet these days? Holed up in the crate with Marty; nah, most likely living under his desk at the insurance agency. Back to the gridiron: have you ever seen a zebra signal a first down like that? Looks like he’s ready to snap off a Polish salute. It’s those quirky, not-quite-of-the-current-century details that keep we few coming back to Milford.

metapost: A moment of silence for the late Gale Sayers, whose most famous speech, as paraphrased by Billy Dee Williams, I shared with you all on that fateful day when True Standish learned of Boo Radley’s fate. If there’s a place beyond this one, I hope that Gale and Brian are back together again there.

September 22, 2020

I Just Come To These Pep Rallies Because I’m A Pyromaniac.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:45 am

You know that it would be untrue

You know that I would be a liar

If I was to say to you

Gang, this plot survives the fires

C’mon, T-verse, start the fire

C,mon, T-verse, start the fire

Try to light this trash on

Firrrrreeeeee

And correct me if I’m wrong but we have at least 3 plots running every which way, Corina taking Volleyball 101 for some inexplicable reason, the two-headed monster at the quarterback position, although I think Castor ate Pollux’s head at The Diner, mistaking it for a meatball, and Castor and Pollux scoping a couple of prospects from Mount Olympus. I guess when Gil lays down the hammer on who the QB is before he does Karaoke at the bonfire, there really isn’t much to work with in terms of a QB controversy. I am still not holding my breath. Plots that get short-circuited because they were allowing their sexual preferences to lead them to Lethe have a way to resurface. Just because Gil said Thayer is the quarterback doesn’t really mean Rapson will be picking up Thayer’s towels or discussing draw plays on 3-and-2. I still THINK there’s a rivalry but it’s getting sidetracked by Corina’s inflammatory comments, literal and figurative, not to mention her amateurish venture into volleyball. I wouldn’t trust her around a fire anyway. Rapson may start some crap but he’s not using his Zippo in the process. QB controversies without conflagrations. Let’s keep it real, Thorpiverse. Don’t get the Fire Marshal involved.

Big shout-out to Mark Kayrouz, a cashier at the self check-out at the Valley Station, Kentucky, Kroger. I have known Mark for years and he has ALWAYS treated me with the utmost of courtesy as well as his customers. He always has a smile on his face and you leave Kroger feeling great. Without his services, Kroger would be a lot less than it is now because he DEFINITELY enhances your shopping experience, especially with his know-how, enthusiasm, and love for his job. If you are in the neighborhood, stop by and see him. He represents what America is all about. Hard-working and friendly. I salute you, Mark.

And the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is buzzing around all over the bonfire in P1. Looks like job security until Thanksgiving anyway.

I tried to translate what was on that sign, given the miasma of humanity, Corina’s balloon leading the charge, plopped in front of it. Thorpiverse has a nasty habit of blocking the fire hydrant when Gil pours on the fire from attempting to sing “Firehouse” or “Hotter than Hell” by Kiss. And couldn’t you imagine Gil trying to blow fire out of his mouth a la Gene Simmons? He might as well perform the fait d’accomplait out of his hair. Don’t get me started on what Gil and Mimi would look like singing “Rock Bottom” while wearing make-up and high heels. Mimi might look good in heels anyway.

“Who’s that person with the clown make-up walking into Gil’s office? And where did he get those shoes? He almost knocked the ceiling lights out of their fixtures.”

“Oh, that’s Gil, Dr. Pearl. He took the kids to a concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater.”

Anyway, I used my powers of logic that I learned in 3rd grade and deduced it wasn’t K-Mart. No, no blue light was going to flash around the bonfire announcing a sale on men’s underwear or popcorn or Deer Park 16-oz. water bottles.

And it couldn’t be the school caferteria. Why would they advertise their rubber hamburgers and over-heat-lamped French fries at a bonfire?

CONCESSION STAND!!!!!!!!!!! The “C” gave it away and I needed all the clues I could get. I was going to guess “Milford Nuclear Power Plant Comglomerates” next. Well, it has a “C” in it. And I don’t think Corinavirus (put THAT on a banner? Yeah, it has a “C” but so does “Crock”) got her cups from the Baseball Scrimmage. Yeah, sure, she left them in the trunk for this momentous occasion, a chance to be a part of history and be a royal pain in the ass. Isn’t that what YOU went to bonfires for? Drink Bud out of the cup and complain the fire needs more matches?

Okay, I think I’ve established that Corina is NOT toting Ensure that she stole off her grandparents’ bureau. But whaddup with some of the other UFO’s buzzing around? Like why did that guy to the left feel the need to wear his lawn chair to keep warm? And does he wear Depend Undergarments at all the pep rallies? I’m sure he has to keep his trapezoidal butt firm and warm but he may be overextending himself on this very matter. Dr. Pearl never used a pup tent around her waist.

Because I was a bit confused when some chewing tobacco ad made the disclaimer that it was not a safe alternative to cigarettes, breaking my heart because I wanted to break my 3-pack-a-day Winston habit with some Skoal the next time I go surfboarding

“Coach Thorp In Milford General After Latest Misunderstanding With Red Man Wintergreen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It was supposed to get me in estrus but I wound up with an oversized cheek and my coif is falling out.”

The time to hesitate is through

Time to throw Gil in the fire

This rally we can only lose

And Will lay on a funeral pyre

C’mon, T-verse, light the fire

C’mon, T-verse, light the fire

Try to set this bunk on

Firrrrrreeeeeee

The bonfire in P2 that is raging out of control reminds me of the bonfire my college held when our football team was doing extremely well and the football coach and the college president was trying to rally the students. And of course, the football captain, the quarterback, the star player (left guards deserve the spotlight too, even if it’s coming from a campfire) , the head coach, the assistant coach, the up-and-coming coach who later went on to coach the team we were scheduled to play for the championship, the alumni president, the football booster club president, the parents club president, the janitor (SOMEDODY had to pick up the charred logs and provide comic relief) , and finally the college president, Dr. Horner, went to the podium to speak. Bear in mind, we are outside, not in the gym where rallies usually took place. Since it was kinda hard to start a fire at the jump circle, the bonfire was located on some green area along the dormitories. It was brisk and the sky was a typical Fall overcast day so our president draped on his person a debonair overcoat, he was dressed to impress at the bonfire, trust me.

So he’s shouting at us that we weren’t excited enough and that our rally NEEDED MORE VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And the way he talked, you could only imagine a borderline bass-baritone sounding like George Jetson’s computer. And he keeps warbling VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRR when he finally calls up the defense captain, an obvious attempt to get SOMEONE to validate his VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRR, banking on the captain’s speech to be within the bounds of good taste and based upon Christian morals, since my school was church-related.

Hoo boy. Was our college president disappointed.

No sooner does our defense captain take the stage that he grabs the mike and exhorts

WE’RE GONNA KICK THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR OFFENSIVE LINE AND WE’RE GONNA MAKE THEIR QUARTERBACK EAT GIL’S LUNCH WHILE WE FUCK GIL’S WIFE AND THEIR RUNNING BACK IS GOING TO BE JACKING OFF THE TURF AND THEIR WHOLE GODDAMN TEAM IS IN FOR A HELL OF A FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, our college president is just stunned. No evidence of any VIM or VIGORRRRRRRRRRRR. Finally, he says half-jokingly THAT WILL COST YOU AN NJPPPPPPPPPP (Notice of Judicail Procedure) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, at least making Gil eat Alpo was clean.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if Gil gets up on stage and, well, I’ll let the drama do the talking

“Is THIS the best you can do for a fire???? 9 feet high???? Smoky the Bear would be on sabbatical!!!!!! And we only had 4 squad cars complain about the noise!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may not coach better THAN Smoky the Bear but these wussy fires only intensify a bad situation. I don’t care if it would burn down The Diner in 5 minutes!!!!!!!!!! Why not TWO Diners??????? I never liked Maureen’s cooking anyway!!!!!!!!!! The stuff that goes into her scrambled eggs and the gossip that comes out of her mouth, I heard they are one and the same!!!!!!!!

So let’s make some REAL NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN SOME VIM AND LIQUORRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! OOPS, I MEAN VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR”

Heard from the crowd

APPLE SAUCE RAISIN BRAN

SPIT SPIT SPIT

WE THINK TOD’S TEAM SMELLS LIKE

PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“ATTA WAY TO KEEP IT CHRISTIAN!!!!!!!!!!! ALL RIGHT, HERE’S MY TWO QUARTERBACKS WITH SOMETHING TO SAY”

“WE JUST WANTED TO SAY IT BITES A BUFFALO’S ASS THAT WE HAVE TO BE CONTENDING FOR THE QB SPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEATHER BURNS NEVER HAD TO FIGHT WITH PELWICKI OVER A SLIDE RULE, LET ALONE THE TOP SPOT ON THE TEAM-“

“GET OFF THE STAGE!!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY CHALLENGES ME LIKE THAT UNLESS IT’S MY WIFE AT 1:00AM TO SMELL IF I’VE BEEN DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL RIGHT, HERE’S TRUE STANDISH WHO’S WITH HIS FIANCEE, CORINA CANCER, TO SAY A FEW WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!”

“HEY HOW ARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHITTY????? BONFIRES WITH COACHES THAT USE THE CAMPFIRE TO TORCH HIS BUTT WILL DO THAT!!!!!!! BUT WE’VE GOT A CHANCE AGAINST OAKWOOD BUT I WON’T BE THERE!!!!!!!! ME AND CANCER MOUTH ARE HEADING TO THE BAHAMAS FOR OUR HONEYMOON AND SOME MORE PITCH AND CATCH!!!!!!! GOTTA RELAX!!!!!!!! AND COACH THORP NEEDS TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LIKE TOD ANDREWS DID. THE CHANGE OF SCENERY MIGHT DO HIM SOME GOOD SINCE HE CAN’T COACH A BOY SCOUT GROUP TO BUILD A FIRE OR MAKE PAR. HE’S ALWAYS WELCOME TO FLY WITH US TO THE BAHA-“

“GET OUT OF HERE AND BUILD YOUR OWN FIRE!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY DUMPS MATCH LITE FLUID ON MY FACE LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THINK KIDS THESE DAYS WOULD HAVE SOME RESPECT!!!!!!!!! I ONLY TOOK TEN SICK DAYS LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!! NOW HERE’S DR. PEARL AND COACH KAZ WITH SOME WORD’S OF WISDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“LET US HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD AND LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RA RA REE!!!!!!!!

KICK OAKWOOD IN THE KNEE!!!!!!!

RA RA RASS!!!!!!!!!!

KICK OAKWOOD IN THE OTHER KNEE!!!!!!!!!

LET’S SAY IT AGAIN

RA RA REE!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK OAKWOOD IN THE KNEE!!!!!!!!!!!

RA RA RASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK COACH THORP IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!”

“NOW WAIT A MINUTE, I WANT VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRR BUT DR. PEARL, YOU’RE OUT OF CHARACTER WITH YOUR SWEARING AND COACH KAZ, YOU’RE JUST OUT OF CHARACTER!!!!!!!!! AND ANOTHER THING-“

“WE GOT A TEAM

WE GOTTA YELL

WE GOT A COACH

WHO COACHES LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!”

“STOP THE CHEERING!!!!!!!!!!! I WON’T HAVE MY COACHING DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD-“

“WE GOT A TEAM

WE GOTTA YELL

WE GOT A COACH WHO

TEACHES THE KIDS THE GAME OF GOLF AND HAS SEX ON THURSDAYS WITH HIS WIFE AND RIDES THE MILFORD TRANSIT BUS AND DEALS WITH QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSIES THE WAY HE BURIES HIS HEAD IN THE WATER COOLER

LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, I only rode the bus that one time when you were taking me home from practice and your car had a flat.”

Shout-out to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. This place has a wide variety of used books and many times, I go to town on the selections it has. The other day, I got “The Name of the Rose” and “The Canterbury Tales” and usual collection of Louis L’Amour westerns. And I got a book I have always wanted to read “The Incredible Journey”, the story of two dogs and a cat that go over 200 miles to find their way home. Laurie Kirkham, the owner, is always there with a friendly face. Sounds like a winning business to me. Heck, throw in the Diet Coke out of the fridge I always buy and I walk out of the store a happy camper. Great place for your favorite reads.

Support Small Business, Gang. Go where everybody knows your name. Laurie knows mine.

And I am lampooning the fire because that’s a five-alarm job in my neck of the woods. I guess it’s okay for Corina Cancer and Becca to savor a Volleyball Teammate Moment as long as the Lake of Fire stays on stage. There’ll be a lot of sun-tanned fans at the Oakwood game.

And I suppose Corina Cancer never lit my fire Eiffel Tower High but don’t tell me she hasn’t been to a pep rally like this. She catches True’s grapefruits practically blindfolded and has the agility of a puma when playing catcher but acts like a deer in the headlights when she’s at an outdoor pep rally? You literally need to get out more.

SHOUT IT

SHOUT IT

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD

YOU GOTTA HAVE A PARTY

“Gil, the kids are sleeping. And take off those heels. They’re ruining the carpet.”

I just love these M.C. Escher perspectives, like what we’re seeing in P3. Is that the Oreo sky that is surrounded by the redwoods and the Empire State Building or is the snow-blanketed sky surrounding some black ugly-as-sin Christmas tree that is hanging upside-down and has a few bulbs burned out on the branches? Ray Bradbury used his imagination but the sky was the sky, not a backdrop that could go either way. I’ll guess the sky is the black thingy eavesdropping out of nowhere but I should never have to flip a coin like Thorpiverse is forcing me to do.

And as our heroes are entering Oakwood Cineplex, er, Stadium, I have worked for my dad in an engine core shop for 40+ years and I have NEVER seen a school bus disguised as a Sherman tank. That’s right, as soon as this bus drops the players off at the game, it has to head straight to Omaha Beach to retake Normandy. It should be back after Rommel surrenders to Eisenhower.

Recently, I was broken-hearted to see one of the play horses temporarily (so they say) removed from a major department store

“Giddyup, little dogie, take me hommmmmeeee-hey, where’s Barky?”

Mimi, at Milford Wal-Mart, knows where this?is going

“Oh, darn, Gil. They must have sent it in for repairs. Now you’ll have to come home if you want a good time. I cleaned the sheets on the bed this morning.”

“This ain’t right!!!!!!!!!!!! I had Kiss’s “Destroyer” all ready to get me worked up and the horsey was going to be the appetizer.”

“Well, yoi know what they say. Sometimes you can’t ride the horse that bucks you.”

“Honey, I’m going to get my Significant Other worked up, one way or the other, hey, I recognize that song…”

LOVE ME LOVE ME

SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME

“Mommy, why is Daddy dancing on the electric wheelchair?”

“If I had an answer to that, NONE of my referees would back out on their contracts. GIL!!!!!!!!! GET OFF THAT CONVEYOR BELT WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO BUY THEIR GROCERIES!!!!!!!!”

YOUNG MAN

PUT YOUR PRIDE ON THE SHELF


Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Man, all this disco’ing is working up a sweat but I’m still flatter than a cornfield. Maybe if the Wal-Mart Radio Network played “Midnight Train to Georgia-“

“Gil, let’s head to the pharmacy and get those EREC-3500 Peppermint Fun Tablets. You shouldn’t have run out of those dosages. If I had known, you wouldn’t be making a fool out of yourself.”

“Is that why Daddy is humping the kiddie seat in the shopping cart?”

“My wife was right, as usual. And with those cool tastes like EREC-3500 Blueberry Bombadier or Raspberry Rapture or Honeycomb Hunching, I don’t have to swallow the Same Old Thing with a cup of water. And when the Raspberry Rapture kicks in, it’s like going through the orchard with an erection. I can’t say that when we shop for rhododendrons at Milford Nursery. Come see what you’ve been missing and get it OTC, now at your nearest major retailer. Isn’t it time to get off YOUR horse and conquer your ED problems?”

God bless you, Gang. I’m not jumping in that fire for you but it’s the thought that counts.

YOU KNOW WE’VE STOMACHED ALL THIS THROUGH

YOU KNOW THAT WE WOULD ALL BE LIARS

IF WE WERE TO KID OURSELVES

THE ‘LARKS WILL THROW GIL IN THE FIRE

C’MON, T-VERSE, LIGHT THIS FIRE

C’MON, T-VERSE, LIGHT THIS FIRE

C’MON, T-VERSE, WE’RE UNINSPIRED

TRY TO SET THE TRASH ON

FIRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I WANT MORE VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

“Gil, take your Lemon Live tablet and come to bed.”

September 19, 2020

Get Started, Start a Fire

Filed under: Bonfire!, exposition comics, football, Milford Weirdos, Oakwood, Volleyball — teenchy @ 1:02 pm

A bit of revisionist history to start today’s strip. Bonfires before the football season opener are a Milford tradition except when they’re not. As for that “clobbering,” a 14-7 win is hardly Ben Grimm worthy, and there have been years when Oakwood has beaten Milford, most recently in 2018 when Tod Andrews sneakily called time out to negate a blocked field goal. There hasn’t been a Mudlark blowout of the Owls in some time, at least not since 2014. (This is where I place a call to the Milford SID to confirm; billy, you there?)

Good call on Corina’s part, pointing out how girls’ sports take a back seat in Milford. Fight the patriarchy, girl!

Looks like the student body is gonna sacrifice those two dueling dipshits at quarterback to ensure a Mudlark victory. Why else would they be atop some wooden scaffolding? To scope out girls, of course. Which girls? Not Becca Ramirez, she’s old news. What about that little fire hydrant shaped girl? She’s new around here. Let’s see those two losers start another competition – this time, for Corina. Then the sparks should fly.

September 18, 2020

Clown college

Filed under: Bonfire!, football, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 7:26 pm

The 2 linemen have their own ideas on who should be the starting qb, and by now Gil should know. Instead of playing golf and drinking lemonade all summer he shouldve been doing 7 on 7 drills to hone everyones skills and more easily identify the better signal caller. But we know how that went.

P3 has our friend Corina and her unnamed buddy walking to the annual bonfire in broad daylight – she clearly doesnt want to go based on her dialogue, but maybe she’ll have fun. Obviously at Valley Modified they burned people at the bonfires. Hey, even Corinna doesnt like this boring storyline.

Finally, I’m going camping again next weekend (not as far this time, to Thomson Waterways near the Mississippi River) , where I’m sure we wont have gale force winds to stop us from kayaking this time. So Joan Rivers (aka Teenchy) will gladly fill in for me to continue this nonsense, and by the time I get back, the QB battle will have been solved, to the relief of all concerned..

November 28, 2019

Get Out Of This Comic Strip, You Misguided Puppet.

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For Thanksgiving,  I wish nothing but the finest for all of you. May God have you prosper at work, at home, and with your family.

I am VERY thankful for the TWIMers who keep this thing going. You amaze me, people. What started out with one person has branched out into a pitch-in campaign and that’s what makes the humor that much more effective. In the nearly two years on the staff, I humbly sit back and watch you people write your stuff and I am never disappointed.

I am nothing without Jesus Christ. He makes it possible to write this nonsense and I praise Him several times over. He has blessed me on the site and off the site, i.e., my family, home, work, everyday living, and that makes Thanksgiving truly a holiday for me.

You may worship a different God. If so, give Him your best if you don’t worship mine, is all I ask. Either way, a HUGE thank you for all that you do, Gang. Again, Thanksgiving is not the same without you. You all mean the world to me.

 

Is Chet Ballard in trouble. How else could you explain the extra Magic Marker stains on his forehead, hair, apparel, beard, well, I wouldn’t go that far on the last one. Maybe lice but not Magic Markers. The lack of trimming of his beard or ethics is enough of a smudge mark(s).

Black Bart, Snidely Whiplash, The Joker, Jerry Pulver have all challenged Gilberto the last 60 years. As you can see, in spite of lack of coaching or styling mousse (dips his hair in the same vat where Crayolas are allowed to cool and settle) , Gilberto is always Last Man Standing. What makes Chet think he’d be an exception? When you have a weasel for a School Superintendent suddenly coming across like Wyatt Earp, Chet should have seen the signs. Wrist snapped back into place after Howard Elston nee Elston Howard finally got his Tinkertoy parts FedExed, conversations with Filet Mignon Head the Receptionist, Mrs. Roh appearing on Divorce Court. You didn’t notice, Chet? You might have a fine six-shooter but if Gil’s been lugging around a cannon for six decades…

“I’m Doug Llewellyn, reminding you that if you’re husband hasn’t pared his beard since FDR implemented the TVA program and is a stiff-necked lout with more teeth than moral behavior, and try as you might to tell him not to pick the lock on the door leading into the students’ records, let alone hot-wire the Macys’ station wagon when the Die Hard battery failed in his own vehicle, don’t call Don Corleone and have him dumped in Mudlark Lake. Take him to court.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Wapner Orders Chet Ballard To Hand Over Stolen Records Of O.J.’s College Transcript!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“A lot of good that did. We still wound up in second place in the Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League.”

 

And to think, Marjie and Janis Ian thought that Mr. Flex-Name, er, School Superintendent couldn’t bring Chet to his knees. Amazing what happens when you actually exercise your authority, especially when the crime was painfully obvious. Guess he got his head out of his butt and saw daylight and the truth, whichever came first. This Bud’s for you, Flex.

 

Now I’m helpless, it’s a killing spree

This travesty and farce will drive me to the sea

It took some time to plan where I’m coerced to flee

The Mudlark team is all coming after me

I had no thought about my own reward

I cheated without Chance or Charlie’s firm accord

Just don’t say I’m

DAMNED FOR ALL TIME

 

Andrew Lloyd Webber couldn’t have said it any better.

 

Now, come on, Chet. Extenuating circumstances? We’ve been reading the Milford National Toilet for 3-4 months and have observed Gil not doing his job because he was riding in the back seat with Friday and Gannon and have watched Marjie conduct what amounted to an audit when she wasn’t puking with Sam Finn over Manwiches  and Canada Dry during the same length of time and you can’t lie any better than THAT????? You better upgrade your prevarications to “I was bitten by a zombie and therefore was not in  my right mind when I walked in with the combination to the records vault at Milford High School Complex that I stole from Dr. Pearl’s purse under her Pond’s Cold Cream and walked away with Chance’s time at Devil’s Island when Chance was rooming in the same stockade with Papillon” if you want to earn your 30 pieces of silver is all I can say.

 

If ya turn in a poacher and the Con-ser-va-shun Officer tries ta reward ya with 30 pieces of silver but ya turn it down and insist on a 6-month supply of ammo instead cuz ya cain’t shoot an 8-pointer with 30 pieces of silver, especially during bow season, ya might be a redneck.

 

P2-now that we’re in the High Horse section of today’s strip NO WAY do any censures or castigations of a general nature occur WITH A HALO SURROUNDING HIM OR HER. I know we’re going for the inspiration angle here but Gil cussing out Kaz because the laundry lady forgot to wash all the jock straps before kickoff with Gil environed with St. Elmo’s Fire just doesn’t cut it.

But let’s examine a few more examples for all you stubborn mules who don’t know when to say “uncle”.

“Gil, get out of the trash can!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Milford Sanitary Disposal, Inc. picked up the trash this morning. The Totino’s  Supreme is long gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Peaches, I’m pumping as fast as I can!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don’t you go brush your teeth? I should be good to go by the time you come to bed.”

“Darling, quit sneaking out with my dentures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nobody respects a principal  of the school if she metes out In-School Suspension displaying her gums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s an ample supply under the sink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh wow, Beaver, when Dad comes home and finds out that Ms. Rizk caught you jacking off her typewriter, you’re gonna get clobbered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Somebody’s been dumping rabbit meat in the Spaghetti O’s again and I will fire the next cafeteria lady caught dragging in Bugs Bunny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Catwoman, I perform oral sex when I’m off the clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now it’s time to send you up the river to the Milford Women’s Correctional Facility!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Always after  me Lucky Charms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The last one was on the house.

 

I did it cuz I had to, I’m the one who saw.

That Chance never polished all his silly flaws

Moreover there’s an issue that I hate to broach

He lacerated the jaws of his clueless coach

I had not thought about my own reward

Though I wouldn’t mind driving home with Gil’s Accord

Just don’t say I’m

DAMNED FOR ALL TIME

 

And I know that Thorpiverse is trying to create the right mood given the situation at hand but does anyone think Il Barbiere di Siviglia as a Moor is a bit much, especially when it’s mixed in with the clown paint before he lets ‘er rip with Vesti La Giubba? I know Thorpiverse and Pagliacci were collaborating in order to ensure proper effect but putting on clown paint when you’re already a clown, let alone that life goes on even if Mrs. Roh runs off with Steve Luhm is throwing one too many irons in the bonfire at the Milford Pep Rally. And Il Barbiere’s nightmare has just begun, not sidetracked looking like The Joker after Catwoman split on you without signing the divorce papers. Looking like Bozo whwn you’re already Bozo anyway isn’t going to stop Pontius Pilate and his Ring of Fire he borrowed from Johhnny Cash from pointing a finger at you. It’s never too late for Il Barbiere to get his A license and drive semi’s.

 

 

On a recent episode of Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw

Racing his butt off in his Range Rover, Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw, after leaving the iceberg in the background that had more parallel lines, eyes his target.

“All right, Goofy, take off your  mask and let me see your driver’s license and registration.”

“But I’m not wearing a mask. I just tanned a little too long on the tanning bed at Milford 24-hour Laundromat.

“That;s what they all say. But I noticed you didn’t bring any Mudlark Cling-Free sheets. Dead giveaway. They always wind up with static on their Breeze towels when the sun lamp goes haywire and they don’t have an updated registration.”

“They’re holding up my face.”

 

And I remember from my school days when I attended a Model UN Conference. I represented Austria so I was mainly a minor player since Austria never mixed it up with, say, the U.S. and the USSR in negotiations. Anyway, we had an issue on the table that involved Israel and the PLO. Naturally, true to the real world model of the UN, the one representing Israel and the one representing the PLO are slugging it out, the rest of us trying to mediate the conflict, again as in the actual UN proceedings.

And somewhere in the middle of the presentations, Israel is flailing of course at the PLO but then, while discussing a potential agreement, the Israel representative yielded the rest of his time to the PLO, something Israel would NEVER do in the UN proceedings.

That’s why I had to adjust my set on WDIG-TV. I could have sworn I saw Marty Moon tell the truth about Gil. Sometimes the antenna outside gets chewed on by the raccoon in the neighborhood. Santa has been known to have had one Mudlar-K-Cola Non-Alcoholic too many and trip over the antenna while trying to get to the chimney with his bag of toys. And sometimes Donner and Blitzen dump their poop around the area.

If Santa curbed his reindeer, Chet’s in a lot of trouble. Chet’s running out of friends and if Marty yields the rest of his time to Gil, it’s time to head to Antarctica. Hope he doesn’t mind living with penguins.

 

Thank you for trashing his personal file

We’re grateful for info that’s meant to hurt

You’ll be richly rewarded with coins by the mile

It’s a pleasure to deal with a man of your worth

 

I DON’T WANT YOUR BLOOD MONEY

Oh, why don’t you take it, our wages are good

I DON’T NEED YOUR BLOOD MONEY

You’ve hurt Chance’s chances, we think that you should

 

Think of the many ways you can spend it

The Bucket, a steak house, The Milford Lounge

Just look at it as payment for setting things straight

30 pieces of silver is the least we can

Least we can

Least we can

Scrounge

 

“Don’t go away. We will return for Chance’s crucifixion on Jesus Christ Superstar after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Milford Soup Kitchen on Thanksgiving

“Good Lord, I just swallowed an army boot!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage claimed they used no fillers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Anybody know the number of The Shark?”

“It’s bad enough that one person got nailed to a tree and another soon to follow but while you’re keeping track of the 39 floggings out there, you can wash YOUR hands of your own affairs by calling  1-FON-THE-JAWS. Thanksgiving handouts shouldn’t have to be hazardous dump roped off by the EPA.”

“I got a check for $4,754,968,256 from Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage after The Shark took out his 20%. I was able to buy the ladles at the Soup Kitchen and shave my scraggly beard. I got tired of looking like Chet Ballard with hand-me-downs he got from Milford Thrift Store. People were always asking me about insurance while I was in line getting mulligan stew dumped on my tray. Now I can scrape my succotash with day-old Wonder Bread in peace. Thanks, Shark.”

“Insurance companies are hard at work covering their own end. Don’t let Gil drop a fly in your soup. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, not sorting out elephant turds in sausage that Mr. Thorp calls fillers. If your own Thanksgiving celebration is wet from all the pee that one of your hobo friends at The Kitchen let loose on the Cool Whip, that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the pumpkin pie. Get the money you deserve to replace the Cool Whip and enjoy your own rhubarb pie.”

“I got 39,576 tubs of Cool Whip stuffed in my locker at the Milford Shelter. I can eat real pumpkin pie and turkey plus Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage as an appetizer. The rest of the money I’ll invest in long-term bonds. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. come reap the rewards of your own handout. One call, that’s all.”

 

Thanks for your patience, Gang. Thanksgiving was truly good to me today. Working with my great nephew in basketball, playing games with the rest of the kids, being with my mom and dad and several nieces and nephews, while enjoying my sister’s cooking and watching Thanksgiving football just gave me several more reasons to be thankful. I hope you can say the same.

 

Always knew that I’d be a frickin’ Mudlark

Always knew I’d be one if I tried

Then when I leave school

I can lounge like Gil Thorp

So they’ll all emulate us when we die

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