This Week in Milford

May 18, 2019

Not This “Branding” Crap Again!


Okay, so for s & g’s I searched on spirit buttons and 39 cents per seems like a fair deal. The catch is you gotta buy ’em in bulk, at volumes that would ensure every Milford student and their family could have a button with buttons left to spare. The TCFS movement has become less about celebrating softball players’ extracurriculars and more about being cliquish and excluding the one girl on the softball team who cares more about playing softball than the rest of them.

Nancy is perfectly cool with that as she sees being TCFS as a “brand,” a thing that seems to be a thing with kids in Milford (or with a senior citizen who seems to think that branding is a thing with kids). Molly Hatchet seems to have an inkling about that as she and Nancy get brain freezes sucking down their Blastos while they sit on the hood of a… a…  an impossibly drawn clown car with about five planes of perspective and no room for an engine, wheels or passengers.

Added a Swifti Mart tag as I’m surprised we haven’t done that already.

March 4, 2015

Brands Galore

Filed under: actual action, basketball, exposition comics — timbuys @ 1:01 am

March 4, 2015


Appropos of yesterday’s discussion in comments, we learn that Theo and Bobby – What are they doing in panel one? Are they really supposed to be drinking and talking at the same time? – are shopping at the S Mart, where they bought Big sodas and gazed away from the Yoo Hoo poster.

Hey, speaking of brands, it’s back over to Max Bacon (r) where he’s… sticky? I guess? Sure, that works. More accurately, Max looks a little stocky. It maybe that all of those sugar pills are starting to catch up with him. Nah, maybe he just needs to cut back on the flavored chocolate beverages.

January 27, 2015

Benchwarmer Brand Bacon – The Quality Pork Product For Discerning Gadflies, Layabouts And Hangers-On

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon — timbuys @ 12:32 am

January 27, 2015


Jeez is Gil ever pissy in panels one and two there! I suppose his frustration comes from the fact that interacting with Marty in any way is its own form of punishment so why does Gil have to actually lift a finger and warn the kids off.

Bonus points: I dare anyone to stare at the jersey in panel three long enough that the scribbles start to spell out Jefferson.

January 19, 2015

What Do You Do When You’re Branded

Filed under: Milford Idiots, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 4:51 am

January 19, 2015
The Bucket is  PEN!

Now hold on just a cotton pickin’ minute. Bobby Howry is gonna start messing around with branding in addition to stat crunching? We already did with Dane Doyle (or was his name Schnon Schnaper, who remembers such things?). Also, Bobby looks like a forty-five year old man following a high school basketball player into the Bucket, telling him he could be adorable. We are definitely in some disturbing waters here, even adjusting for the fact that Bobby is just another misguided teen conceived of by a man who probably haven’t seen the inside of a high school since Ike carried his own golf clubs. Image manipulation is a staple of popular entertainment featuring teen characters and that theme is rooted in a fundamental reality of adolescence as a time of awakening to the artifice embedded in much of human interaction. The other reality is that with roughly 18 panels a week, many of which are required to contain sports “action”, it is hard to depict compelling, contemporary drama involving mercurial teens.

I like to think that the girl in the foreground is a self-aware character, staring at us right through the fourth wall with a look that says you’re not really buying any of this are you?

Thanks to teenchy for filling in for me last week.

January 4, 2010

Brand New Year, Same Old Perversion

Filed under: baseball, Coach Kaz, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Weirdos — jasbeattie @ 9:11 am

Happy new decade, everyone! Will this comic survive another ten years, outliving all newspapers in the process? Stay tuned to find out…



Welcome to the home of the Squintsalot family!

“Cassie, even though you’re 18 and I have no legal control over you, I forbid you to see that boy!”
“Mom, you’re talking to a lamp, I’m over here.”
“Your mother is right, we were much older when that bizarre badminton accident fused us at the hip and sealed my eyes shut. I don’t want to see the same thing happen to you.”
“You can’t see anything Dad.”
“Who said that?”

“Do we talk to Cassie anymore, or just stand idly by and make bitchy comments?”
“Watch out! That detached hand is trying to cop a feel!”


“Gil would you rather play games at home where the booze is free, or on the road where you can pick up anonymous tail?”
“I’d like to go to a middle school and watch the young boys play!”
“Ummmm, I’m going to go sit over here now.”

Unfortunately, the Milford bus driver can’t get the bus out of first gear, thus allowing Marty Moon to follow in his AMC Pacer. In accordance with Megan’s Law, he no longer sits near the team or the bleachers, so Moon takes his new spot at center court. The basketball season tips off, just in time to be two months behind schedule! I’ve been told it’s guaranteed to conclude by 2019.

November 18, 2009

The Adventures of Deion Brand, Band Geek!

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 9:04 am



I dunno about you, but I’d much rather be following the adventures of “Deion Brand, Band Geek ™!” than ever have to see Mini-mar again.I think what has been particularly frustrating about recent featured characters in this strip is that they don’t have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. At least Andrew Gregory was secretly taking care of his younger siblings…but lately we’ve had such clowns as Shep Trumbo and now Jackass-jar Gad-ass, who are just douchy assholes. We can still hope that Jackass-jar will get his comeuppance (oh yes, his uppance will come!) but I doubt it will be in any way severe enough punishment. So what do you think should happen to Mini-mar?

Meanwhile, Valerie seems to have two problems…One, she is unable to figure out that Mini-mar is not really one of the three fans who attend her games, and two, her left arm appears to be one foot long.

February 27, 2008

Sorry, no passengers. This TAXI-Brand TAXI is TAXI.

Filed under: Milford Weirdos, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 9:21 am


I’ll admit I was at first confused by the conversation in the first panel…thinking “Big Ray” was someone other than Curley-Horse’s father. Once I realized that it was just poorly-constructed dialogue, I got bored with the story and decided to make fun of the art instead. So here it goes:

Panel 1: Today we’ll play: What exactly is that painting on the right supposed to be? My two best guesses are a fish from Finding Nemo being chopped in half, or possibly a two-headed Elvis impersonator.

Panel 2: Wait, is Margo Maureen practicing her O-face while Andrew’s bending over and not looking? Wow.

Panel 3: I think the real story is that “Big Ray” was kidnapped by the travelling circus. How do I know? Well, first the TAXI brand taxi is neither on nor off duty…It’s merely TAXI. Leading me to believe that while it’s indeed from Milford (“Where things are named exactly what they are, except in ALL CAPS!”), it’s really just the car the travelling circus fellow drives around to pick up the freakiest of freaks from Milford and cart them away…thus also explaining why local freaks disappear with such great frequency. (Hey, where’s Cully, by the way?)

So why is Big Ray such a freak? Well the giant left earlobe tumor and the single fat leg were enough for me to be convinced. Too bad poor Curley-Horse with his two legs and normal-sized head didn’t measure up.

October 17, 2019

Like Father, Unlike Son.

Filed under: actual action, Central City Cretins, football — tdrewhardin @ 5:48 am


Now we get into the portion of the strip to discover whether Charlie Roh is the real deal. And he doesn’t disappoint. Like that record that Billboard and Creem has been plugging for months, Charlie is good as advertised. I always used to hold my breath every time U2 came out with new music and all the critics were singing its praises. Not that I ever thought the band would lay an egg (you never have, Bono & Company, you’re the best) but when an album gets hyped (The Joshua Tree, Achtung Baby, for example) , you can understandably anticipate the jinx that could possibly ensue.

But like The Joshua Tree, Charlie is more than answering his critics, not that he had any but with a loudmouth stepdad, they’ll be around, if nothing else, to shut up Charlie’s stepdad, the insurance king who has temporarily dethroned himself from Ballard Insurance in order to live his life through his stepson.

What’s galling is that just a few short months ago, Chet Baker, er, Ballard projected himself as one of the pillars of the community as a member of the Milford School Board. Though his modus operandi, particularly in relation to Tiki Jansen was arguably a bit misguided, his reasoning was valid and he was dealing with a lawyer who fit the description of a joke

Q: What’s the difference between an attorney and a catfish?

A: One’s a scum-sucking toady that licks the commodes at the bottom of the plumbing system at Milford High School and the other one’s a fish.

Hadley Viscious, you missed your calling. Look up Joe Sharkey and become a shark just like him. Oh, you might eat each other down the road when Tiki gets injured when a Central guy calls him a squatter. Or his mother goes half on the rent at Milford Public Housing. When working on a best plan of attack to sue or damages, sometimes the devil is in the details.

Anyway, Chet has lowered himself to Overbearing Father, a recurring character that appears quite frequently in Thorpiverse Shakespearean Theater. Talk about Taming of the Shrew. I wouldn’t try to get him married off as a quid pro quo to marrying Hadley Venom. Brush up your Thorpiverse.

Nice TD run, BTW. Nothing like Lassie and Benji playing a Game of Chase with Charlie. I couldn’t fathom those dogs doing that with Bluto, er, Chet Ballard. Well, dogs do pursue snakes in the woods. Never mind.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Dad Present For MVP Award Presentation At Milford Adult Flag Football League End Of Season Banquet!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Papa was always there to show proper technique on how to elude the linebacker grabbing your flag.”


So to paraphrase James Brown (Godfather of Soul LOVE IT) , Papa’s got a brand new barf bag. But his son can run. Congratulations on your first TD run, Charlie. I remember when I was in college when I got my first TD catch (back when I was skinny and athletic, not lugging around the Pro Wrestler’s beer belly like I am now-ha) in intramural flag football. No, it wasn’t a Doug Flutie miracle job but Husker Du was right, these are your important years, you better make them last. I did.

So I can totally relate to Charlie. When it’s your turn to step into the spotlight, do your best to shine. It’s a shame that Chet is the excess baggage a la Frank Sinatra’s mom in a biopic made about him. I remember it well

“…I want to make the most of it/In ol’ New Yoooorrrkkkkk

If I can make it there/I’ll make it anywhere-”

“Oh, that’s my Frankie. I always told him that if he used Colgate Whitening Formula to brush his teeth, wash behind his ears, and close the toilet seat after he dumped a wad, then flush, he’d go far. There’s always an agent looking for someone who freshens the Boys Room stall on the second floor at Milford High School with Renuzit Peach ‘n’ Plum-”


And that, in my view, is pretty much what’s happening here.

“See, I told ya if you’d start calling me Father Superior instead of Chet Baker, use Sani-Flush in the Port-o-Let, and run from Milford to Oakwood and back, it would put hair on your chest and make you run faster than Hank Finkel. So what if cars were honking when you were in the raw? You were on the other side of the road FACING THE TRAFFIC, so you’re legal. And let those road ragers run in 0 degree weather and see if they’d make it past the city limits. Some couldn’t clear the Milford 7-11-


“Coach, we have a man down on the field.”

“DAMN, what was Mr. Ballard doing out on the field? We got a game. How’d he slip past security?”

“Don’t know, Coach Thorp, but he blindsided the Central running back too. Good thing, our defensive end got burnt on that tailback sweep.”


If yore daddy is thar at th’ Milford Con-sur-va-shun Club Bur-Goo ta present yore Most Valuable Bowhunter award and he even remembered that thar’s only one “w” in the word “bowhunter” and didn’t need a lex-ee-con this time ta double check and ya hug like a black bear in heat in Milford Fish & Wildlife Area as a token of good will, ya might be a redneck.


And wouldn’t you know it, The Unrelated Twins are back. Tag-teaming like The Assassins used to brutalize the opposition on WTBS Wrestling (Gordon Solie, the unflappable host, RIP) , they are putting the finishing touches on the hapless Central receiver, performing The Bucket Sandwich of your Choice on the poor schmuck. It’s all over but the 3-count. The Central receiver will not shake off Tiki, a la Assassin #1 at the obligatory 2-seconds. BTW, I liked how my dad described The Assassins, they looked ugly with a mask ON their faces.

Well, there’s no sense in trying to mask this charade, it’s like The Assassins getting uglier and uglier the longer they wear the masks. And take that goddamn Confedrate flag off your Southern Tag Title belts. The Civil War has long since been decided.

“You boys, uhhhh, really pummeled your opponents indeed. There was no law and order once you gentlemen stepped into the ring. It was, uhhhh, a real evisceration.”

“That’s right, Gordon. And Friday night, 8:30PM at the Milford Civic Center, we’re going to be taking care of some more business. That’s right, Ole Anderson and Austin Idol, you’ve been flappin’ like Gil’s hair, talkin’ about how nobody can beat you. Well, as the Tilden coach said 30 years ago before Gil quit humping the tackling dummy and settled down and got married, you may be big and bad, but you can be had. The Tilden coach said it was agony watching a grown man with no place to plug it in, let alone with his players watching, finally some linebacker ripped the fuse box off the stadium wall…”


And in reality, many people don’t know it but this is Gil’s secret plan to bond players together by having them live under the same roof. Jaquan Case and Pete De Windt. Aardvark and Mike Filion. George and Gracie. Hey, don’t laugh, Gracie was the holder when Milford kicked the extra point while George kicked it straight through the uprights.

The theory is you can’t learn each other’s moves if you don’t learn what they like to mooch out of the fridge, what time at night they wet the bed, what cartoons they watch on TV. By gum, Leonard now knows to get out the way of the basement lavoratory whenever Tiki has downed one Spaghetti O’s can too many and he subsequently chews on multiple X-LX-Lax that he bought in bulk from Milford Apothecary. Leonard also learned that Tiki will body slam him if Leonard attempts to turn on the TV for the WDIG Evening News with Roger Mudd because that’s the time Sesame Street comes on. Leonard found out the hard way that Tiki DOES wet the bed if he misses Bert and Ernie. Oscar the Grouch and Coach Shaw? Both show up just as often. Anyway, all Leonard had to do is take one whiff down the hallway one night and the remote has been set for the letter ‘Q’ ever since.

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana where you get your money’s worth and then some. They just added another clerk, Georgiana, who has turned out to be just as friendly as Crystal and Bre. With smiling faces like these, no wonder why customers keep coming back. Throw in great gasoline and great car repairs at reasonable prices and you have a winning business. On I-64 in Indiana, take exit 118 and head west on Indiana 62 and it is the first left from the highway. Can’t miss it as you can see the building from I-64.

Support Small Business. You need a place where everybody knows your name.

“OK, Gil, I may not like this bonding thing but I’ll do it to take one for the team. But you’re sleeping out in the garage. There’s a king-size for you and Mimi. And a bar which you’re more than welcome to. Just save some Jack in the fridge and clean the chaser glasses. The hose is on driveway side of the garage.”

“Sure, Kaz.”


Greg Simmons, You da Man. Your hard work at Shreves Engines in St. Louis does not go unnoticed and in fact is a testament why the place is always so busy. Somebody is ALWAYS coming in. You keep the place hopping and I am always out of there pronto because you bust a gut and you CARE. Sounds like a winning venture to me. Treat Greg with respect, Gang, he’s earned it.

“And Mr. Nosegay said to Lisa Simpson at 38, ‘Ya wanna head to the Yellow Submarine now that Charlie chewed up some real estate?’ And she responded ‘What do I look like, Ringo Starr sleeping in the kitchen by the Hamilton Beach blender at Leonard Fleming’s house?'”

“Gil, it’s bad enough we have to put up with that hornet’s nest in the corner of the garage but give it a rest. You’ll get kicked out of the Milford Elks Club Bingo Night this Thursday, for sure.”


And as readers have mentioned, 77 yards is respectable but it ain’t gonna draw interest from some Power 5 school if Chet’s eyes are getting bigger than his tummy at the football smorgasbord. Charlie Roh will land a scholarship at a small Division III school in say, Wisconsin or North Dakota but there’s a world of difference, Chet, between a small town in Wisconsin and Wisconsin itself, a perennial power in its own right.

But let Bluto bask in his own vomit and let him think he is bathing in the lap of luxury. Oh, no, Chet, that’s real water. Bottled straight from the tap at Milford Reservoir. Just keep diving in it, everything will settle and before you know it, Charlie will be running for Alabama next week. And I have Comet in case you need to clean your toes. Wouldn’t want you to gross out while Charlie is dragging the Georgia Bulldog over the goal line. And hit the pylon, Charlie, so the referee will signal “touchdown”. Nick Saban makes guys run laps for taking detours.


“And there’s the gun signaling the end of the game. Milford wins it in a gutty effort, 21-10. I’ll have final stats in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!! KAPOWEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KERPLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOST THEM ON THE GROUND SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“What kind of contacts are they? Bausch & Lomb?”



“The Twins racked me pretty good and I was the soloist in the musical ‘Pippin’ next week. I didn’t want to sound like Mickey Mouse doing a rendition of ‘Corner of the Sky’ so I called The Shark.”

“That’s right, folks. Melvin Schmuck had a problem and we attacked Milford High School and their insurance company before you could say ‘Leonard Fleming uses Odor Eaters to get Tiki off his back’. With just compensation, Melvin was able to take advantage of the latest technology in the Ear, Nose, and Throat wing at Central High School Nursing Department and he was good to go. ‘Magic To Do’ as a cakewalk to croon.”

“And I was able to sail through the musical without straining my voice and I even landed a part with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to sing with Harry Caray ‘Hymn from the Tales of Hoffman’ and ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’. I don’t know who was slushier that night but I didn’t plop on the basson player like Harry did. Thanks, Shark.”

“Folks, they don’t have to play for Milford to get the money they deserve. I once engineered a $45,634,702 settlement for Tod Andrews after his car landed in a sewer line at the Milford High School Practice Football Field. Talk about turf toe. But Tod was able to afford new goals for the gym at Oakwood High School. And he upped the pay when he signed the contracts with the referees.”

“I’m in the money. I can play football again and move into the Biltmore Mansion. All because of The Shark.”

“What more proof do you need? Even if you live in the Pits of Hell, you have rights under the Constitution and it’s up to you to call 1-FON-THE-JAWS to see what those rights are. One call, that’s all.”

All right, Gang, let ‘er rip. I still think 77 yards oughta cut it at most universities. I mean, Hank Finkel had 77 career points and he spent an eternity in the NBA with a few rings to show for it. It can happen.


“I always knew Gil had it in him to coach. If he used Vidal Sasson Cherry Blossom, ate all his vegetables and attended seance classes at Milford Psychic Manor, he’d land a real job. Well, I’m still waiting on that but I know he still has what it takes-”


“Good God, didn’t Leonard and Tiki see the coverage?????They’ll get a flag on that one!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, safe to say someone doesn’t need to tell my mom to get off the field.”



“…a Yellow Submarine that’s yellow because it’s in dire need of Pine-Sol???????”

“Ugh, Gil, how many more days before we get out of the garage?”






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