This Week in Milford

May 18, 2019

Not This “Branding” Crap Again!


Okay, so for s & g’s I searched on spirit buttons and 39 cents per seems like a fair deal. The catch is you gotta buy ’em in bulk, at volumes that would ensure every Milford student and their family could have a button with buttons left to spare. The TCFS movement has become less about celebrating softball players’ extracurriculars and more about being cliquish and excluding the one girl on the softball team who cares more about playing softball than the rest of them.

Nancy is perfectly cool with that as she sees being TCFS as a “brand,” a thing that seems to be a thing with kids in Milford (or with a senior citizen who seems to think that branding is a thing with kids). Molly Hatchet seems to have an inkling about that as she and Nancy get brain freezes sucking down their Blastos while they sit on the hood of a… a…  an impossibly drawn clown car with about five planes of perspective and no room for an engine, wheels or passengers.

Added a Swifti Mart tag as I’m surprised we haven’t done that already.

March 4, 2015

Brands Galore

Filed under: actual action, basketball, exposition comics — timbuys @ 1:01 am

March 4, 2015


Appropos of yesterday’s discussion in comments, we learn that Theo and Bobby – What are they doing in panel one? Are they really supposed to be drinking and talking at the same time? – are shopping at the S Mart, where they bought Big sodas and gazed away from the Yoo Hoo poster.

Hey, speaking of brands, it’s back over to Max Bacon (r) where he’s… sticky? I guess? Sure, that works. More accurately, Max looks a little stocky. It maybe that all of those sugar pills are starting to catch up with him. Nah, maybe he just needs to cut back on the flavored chocolate beverages.

January 27, 2015

Benchwarmer Brand Bacon – The Quality Pork Product For Discerning Gadflies, Layabouts And Hangers-On

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon — timbuys @ 12:32 am

January 27, 2015


Jeez is Gil ever pissy in panels one and two there! I suppose his frustration comes from the fact that interacting with Marty in any way is its own form of punishment so why does Gil have to actually lift a finger and warn the kids off.

Bonus points: I dare anyone to stare at the jersey in panel three long enough that the scribbles start to spell out Jefferson.

January 19, 2015

What Do You Do When You’re Branded

Filed under: Milford Idiots, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 4:51 am

January 19, 2015
The Bucket is  PEN!

Now hold on just a cotton pickin’ minute. Bobby Howry is gonna start messing around with branding in addition to stat crunching? We already did with Dane Doyle (or was his name Schnon Schnaper, who remembers such things?). Also, Bobby looks like a forty-five year old man following a high school basketball player into the Bucket, telling him he could be adorable. We are definitely in some disturbing waters here, even adjusting for the fact that Bobby is just another misguided teen conceived of by a man who probably haven’t seen the inside of a high school since Ike carried his own golf clubs. Image manipulation is a staple of popular entertainment featuring teen characters and that theme is rooted in a fundamental reality of adolescence as a time of awakening to the artifice embedded in much of human interaction. The other reality is that with roughly 18 panels a week, many of which are required to contain sports “action”, it is hard to depict compelling, contemporary drama involving mercurial teens.

I like to think that the girl in the foreground is a self-aware character, staring at us right through the fourth wall with a look that says you’re not really buying any of this are you?

Thanks to teenchy for filling in for me last week.

January 4, 2010

Brand New Year, Same Old Perversion

Filed under: baseball, Coach Kaz, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Weirdos — jasbeattie @ 9:11 am

Happy new decade, everyone! Will this comic survive another ten years, outliving all newspapers in the process? Stay tuned to find out…



Welcome to the home of the Squintsalot family!

“Cassie, even though you’re 18 and I have no legal control over you, I forbid you to see that boy!”
“Mom, you’re talking to a lamp, I’m over here.”
“Your mother is right, we were much older when that bizarre badminton accident fused us at the hip and sealed my eyes shut. I don’t want to see the same thing happen to you.”
“You can’t see anything Dad.”
“Who said that?”

“Do we talk to Cassie anymore, or just stand idly by and make bitchy comments?”
“Watch out! That detached hand is trying to cop a feel!”


“Gil would you rather play games at home where the booze is free, or on the road where you can pick up anonymous tail?”
“I’d like to go to a middle school and watch the young boys play!”
“Ummmm, I’m going to go sit over here now.”

Unfortunately, the Milford bus driver can’t get the bus out of first gear, thus allowing Marty Moon to follow in his AMC Pacer. In accordance with Megan’s Law, he no longer sits near the team or the bleachers, so Moon takes his new spot at center court. The basketball season tips off, just in time to be two months behind schedule! I’ve been told it’s guaranteed to conclude by 2019.

November 18, 2009

The Adventures of Deion Brand, Band Geek!

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 9:04 am



I dunno about you, but I’d much rather be following the adventures of “Deion Brand, Band Geek ™!” than ever have to see Mini-mar again.I think what has been particularly frustrating about recent featured characters in this strip is that they don’t have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. At least Andrew Gregory was secretly taking care of his younger siblings…but lately we’ve had such clowns as Shep Trumbo and now Jackass-jar Gad-ass, who are just douchy assholes. We can still hope that Jackass-jar will get his comeuppance (oh yes, his uppance will come!) but I doubt it will be in any way severe enough punishment. So what do you think should happen to Mini-mar?

Meanwhile, Valerie seems to have two problems…One, she is unable to figure out that Mini-mar is not really one of the three fans who attend her games, and two, her left arm appears to be one foot long.

February 27, 2008

Sorry, no passengers. This TAXI-Brand TAXI is TAXI.

Filed under: Milford Weirdos, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 9:21 am


I’ll admit I was at first confused by the conversation in the first panel…thinking “Big Ray” was someone other than Curley-Horse’s father. Once I realized that it was just poorly-constructed dialogue, I got bored with the story and decided to make fun of the art instead. So here it goes:

Panel 1: Today we’ll play: What exactly is that painting on the right supposed to be? My two best guesses are a fish from Finding Nemo being chopped in half, or possibly a two-headed Elvis impersonator.

Panel 2: Wait, is Margo Maureen practicing her O-face while Andrew’s bending over and not looking? Wow.

Panel 3: I think the real story is that “Big Ray” was kidnapped by the travelling circus. How do I know? Well, first the TAXI brand taxi is neither on nor off duty…It’s merely TAXI. Leading me to believe that while it’s indeed from Milford (“Where things are named exactly what they are, except in ALL CAPS!”), it’s really just the car the travelling circus fellow drives around to pick up the freakiest of freaks from Milford and cart them away…thus also explaining why local freaks disappear with such great frequency. (Hey, where’s Cully, by the way?)

So why is Big Ray such a freak? Well the giant left earlobe tumor and the single fat leg were enough for me to be convinced. Too bad poor Curley-Horse with his two legs and normal-sized head didn’t measure up.

March 31, 2020

Les Parapluies De Milford

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Make and Model Mystery Mobile — tdrewhardin @ 8:43 am


I will wait forever, though this plot dragged on

Now we’re two hopeless lovers and spring sports we’ll gag on

Co-winners of our hearts and sharing trophies of love

Are but useless tools,

We’re clueless fools

Let’s shove


Okay, so Alexa’s mom didn’t own an umbrella store, Milford Used Parasol Shoppe, and Chris was Guy Foucher for some co-ed volleyball player in the Big Ten. But I had to find SOME way to keep myself awake to spice up the sputtering previous plot and take the baton for the present sputtering plot. What better way than “Les Parapluies de Cherbourg”(“The Umbrellas of Cherbourg”), an Academy Award nominee for Best Foreign Film and Best Musical Score? Many of you, old-timers included, have heard “I Will Wait for You” a million times, many times on Muzak, but like me, never recognized the tune until you saw the movie, as I did.

But I’d rather the plot at hand take the same flight as Guy and send both to Algeria to fight a war. The only difference is you hope this plot gets buried in The Sahara. You pray Guy returns to enjoy Alexa and a Bucket Burger.


Things are just getting off to a roaring start. Making payments on Archie’s jalopy? Did he have to make a down payment at Milford Scrap Iron & Metals, Inc.? And what was his collateral? Some expensive umbrellas he negotiated from Alexa? Sure, this parasol’s valuable. Used to protect The Little Old Lady from Pasadena from acid rain. And the rain never chewed through the material.

And stop throwing names at us, Thorpiverse, especially ones you stole off the Scrabble board. You must have taken home all the poker chips off of “Godleski”.

And where do we start? Stabbing in the dark couldn’t be more fun. I got my Milford Surname Pronunciation Guide which is useful but this one slipped through the cracks. God-LESS-ski? Okay, let me try it on for size

“…and God-LESS-ski sends one off the wall in center field and we have a cat loose in the alley. God-LESS-ski rounds first, on his way to second and he’ll make his way easily with a stand-up double. God-LESS-ski thought about third but the relay was a strong one and God-LESS-ski didn’t want to get his uniform dirty and mess up the lettering. He’d be tagged out by a mile and we’d have REAL problems trying to figure out his name…”

I confess I used Sean Moth, our local baseball announcer, to do the play-by-play. Hey, if the uniform was tattered and torn, I’m confident he’d pronounce Gozdlleyzcki properly, aggressive base-running or no aggressive base-running.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Roland Cassard: Don’t Even THINK Of Making A Move On Alexa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dude thinks he can buy her love but there’s more to life than purchasing jewels and umbrellas.”


Gil Foucher to a Mudlark booster

“…l’intrigue de baseball fait le bruit de feraille, mais c’est normal…”

The baseball plot rattles but that’s normal. It appears the plot sucks no matter what language is spoken. Past or present considerations included.


And why is Tom Muench and GOAT-ulls-skee picking up The Mayor anyway? Since when does The Mayor of Milford ride with a couple of teenagers and perform some wheelies and doughnuts in the Milford Municipal Lot parking lot, then hit The Bucket for a Bucket Triple Decker because unlawful driving and dodging the Milford Traffic Control Officer works up an appetite?

When I was coaching Babe Ruth Baseball, part of keeping the League functional was obtaining a letter from The Mayor of our city. Hey, blessings from the top city official DEFINITELY helped our League. Parents will bring Junior’s birth certificate to the Player Agent of Babe Ruth League every time if The Mayor says it’s a legitimate show.

But I never took The Mayor to the Milford Lounge for a Schlitz. We didn’t need to get drunk and screw just for a letter of recommendation. I’ll just pick it up from your secretary, thank you.

“Yeah, I’ll clear some room in the front seat. I put my laundry in the back seat. And don’t worry, I vacuumed the floorboard. That Milford Car Wash Power Vacuum really sucked up all the cigarette butts. A couple of quarters and the bugs and coke cups in the vehicle didn’t stand a chance. 11:30? Fine, I’ll be there.”


Roland Cassard in Dr. Pearl’s office, sung to “Watch What Happens” (you’ve heard that one a million times too)


Dr. Pearl

File cabinets simply rock my world

Beehive hairdos charge me when you unfurl

I watch you store those math scores

I’m ape-shit, girl

For romance


Dear Roland

I am stuck in red tape with no hope

Office door is bolted by a long rope

I have to file these junior graduation claims

You dope


Now where’s my pen


Your dentures, Madame



Are you serious, Thorpiverse? My police cruiser I used to drive around in (It was, seriously, there were no door handles in the back seat so that criminals couldn’t get out, plus I got to school in 4.5 seconds with the souped-up engine those police cars employed to catch crooks) looked a lot better than this pile of manure that’s movin’ down the street. You’re going to have 2 teenagers pick up The Mayor in a car that is terribly afflicted with ferric oxide? The side panels have been snorting a sizeable amount of oxygen on that bag of bolts. Who takes a date to the prom in a Sherman tank that once fought Rommel on Normandy Beach? Eisenhower had a tough decision whether to proceed with D-Day on foggy conditions. Shoot, with that tank, I’d have sent the damn thing back across The English Channels for repairs and a wax job, let alone get in the back seat after the prom.  If General Montgomery sends that contraption up against 15 Panzers, and it gets severely damaged in combat, so be it. If I have to pick up The Mayor or my prom date because I fought Rommel’s henchmen on my own time and drive the streets of Milford in the tank’s present condition, that’s on me. Can’t blame it on Eisenhower’s decisions. Shitty vehicles with no sponsorship is Hell on the conscience.


If ya won 1st Prize at the Milford Auto Auction Car Show in the Category of Dilapidated But Running running away, beating out the Clampett’s wagon cuz Jethro fergot ta check the radiator ta see if it had water, ya might be a redneck


As the Milford & Oakwood pulls out of the station

JE T’AIME, CHRIS!!!!!!!!!! JE T’AIME, CHRIS!!!!!!!!!

“Alexa, I’m going to return. We had to take the train to New Thayer because the bus broke down.”


We are already inundated with possiblities for one name, now we’re scratching our heads on how to pronounce another one. Mark Twain had a field day when writing the hilarious account, “That Awful German Language”. Shovel a bunch of nouns and adjectives between the auxiliary verb and the participle and you had command of die Deutsche Sprache. So when Muench (talk about awful German) and Gutless-sky pick up Mike Knappe (I bet you can shovel that as an adverb between the verb and the participle) , we are left scrambling for the pronunciation guide once again. Get it out the Redbook rack, blow the dust off, and start conjecturing.

Having taken several courses in German, I DO know that it means “page” or “stable boy”. The youngster was commissioned to shovel the poop out of the barn when he wasn’t shoveling German definite articles. And right now, I’m going to begin with how the Germans pronounce it (stupid to ask someone from Samoa, y’think?) and that would be K’NAHP-puh (K and N run together) .

Now what Alice Kravitz is doing waiting for Guthman and Muench when she’s not spying on Darren and Samantha Stevens across the street is anybody’s guess. And we still are wondering what Mike K’NAHP-puh is doing to warrant Alice getting distracted on Samantha twitching her lips to get the cat out of the tree.

Was he sitting on the john (“Damn, where’s the toilet paper?”) ? Was he reading the sports pages (In MILFORD?) ? Is he listening to The Fibber McGee Hour on WDIG-Radio?

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Doggone it, I knew I should have cleaned out the locker-

“HONEY, Goodfellas and Munchy are here!!!!!!!!”




Stay tuned next week to see if Fibber fumigates his locker with Renuzit


My final Women’s History Month entry goes to Catherine Deneuve, the lead actress in Les Parapluies de Cherbourg. She has accomplished great things in her long career. She has acted in over 100 films and has garnered some respect along the way. She has been  nominated for 14 Cesar Awards (the French equivalent of the Oscar) , winning 2 for “The Last Metro” and “Indochina”, and nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress for “Indochina”. She also is heavily involved in the cosmetics industry as a spokesperson and a model, being in high demand for many years. She is also involved in several charities, including UNESCO. Fluent in French (her native language) , Italian, and English, please join me in saluting a person who has soared to great heights while still keeping her feet on the ground. She is definitely the people’s choice.


“We’ll be back to see if Alexa dumps Chris for Roland Cassard and marries wealthy with no principles after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”


At The Lake House, where Marty Moon invested part of his 401K he got from his broadcasting career (paid substantial penalties to Milford Federal for early withdrawl) , at bed time with his honey


Peaches, My Peach

I have something to share

Pull my shorts and it’ll all be there

You’ll enjoy the sensual spicy bill of fare

Mon cher


“Oh, Marty, you say the filthiest things. Let me have a look at the merchandise.”

Pulls the shorts out and looks in the Grand Canyon


Marty, My Sweet

There is really nothing to meet

It can barely stand on its feet

A very disappointing candy-caned treat

No heat


It’s limp as L’eggs


I pumped all day


“Marty, Roland Cassard may be a jerk but I bet he gets harder than the jewels he peddles at Milford Diamond Company. He’s been hitting on me ever since Chris took Alexa back and they married and vacationed in Liechtenstein.”

“Peaches, give a man a break. It’s just malnourished. One sip of Milford Protein Supplement drink and I’ll be brandishing a flagpole so hard, the Jets and the Sharks will back off.”

“Marty, I wouldn’t hang a tea bag on your outdated clothesline. Thank God, you paid 2 weeks on this resort. You still have 13 days to sweep me off my feet and take me away from Guy Foucher.”

“I’m a better mechanic than that vain piece of France. Why, he blew a customer’s engine and refused to apologize.”

“Marty, YOU ought to apologize because it DIDN’T blow.”

“Well, Guy isn’t leaving his godmother and marrying you. I’ll show the evidence that demands a verdict. I’ll drink more Nestle’s Quik Chocolate and get my thing so buzzed with sugar, you’ll think you’re getting it from a Snickers bar.”

“Marty, take these EREC-9000 Vita-Plus Extra Hold tablets or you’re going to be facing a hung jury.”


“Thank God Peaches looked after my own interests and bailed me out. I wouldn’t know what to do if Roland had ran off with her and left me with a diamond to rub on the scheme of things. Thank God, Milford Men’s Clinic came through and saved me from having to sell umbrellas the rest of my life. With treatment programs that work, isn’t it time you staved off Roland Cassard with a taste of his own medicine? These EREC-9000 Vita-Plus Extra Hold tablets made sure he would just be selling jewelry, not taking a jewel away from me. Come to The Milford Men’s Clinic and fight Roland with fire.”


Gang, you are my world. Thanks for your contributions. Please follow the Central for Disease Control guidelines so that we can keep Democracy at work.


If it takes forever

I will wait for you

For a thousand plotlines

I will wait for you

‘Til you’re back from practice

‘Til the last pitch comes through


‘Til you slam the door

And jump into my arms


Gil Foucher wipes his feet off the mat and enters

“Mimi, practice ran a little over and we had to look all over the dugout for someone’s keys. What’s with the singing?”

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