This Week in Milford

May 18, 2019

Not This “Branding” Crap Again!

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Okay, so for s & g’s I searched on spirit buttons and 39 cents per seems like a fair deal. The catch is you gotta buy ’em in bulk, at volumes that would ensure every Milford student and their family could have a button with buttons left to spare. The TCFS movement has become less about celebrating softball players’ extracurriculars and more about being cliquish and excluding the one girl on the softball team who cares more about playing softball than the rest of them.

Nancy is perfectly cool with that as she sees being TCFS as a “brand,” a thing that seems to be a thing with kids in Milford (or with a senior citizen who seems to think that branding is a thing with kids). Molly Hatchet seems to have an inkling about that as she and Nancy get brain freezes sucking down their Blastos while they sit on the hood of a… a…  an impossibly drawn clown car with about five planes of perspective and no room for an engine, wheels or passengers.

Added a Swifti Mart tag as I’m surprised we haven’t done that already.

March 4, 2015

Brands Galore

Filed under: actual action, basketball, exposition comics — timbuys @ 1:01 am

March 4, 2015

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Appropos of yesterday’s discussion in comments, we learn that Theo and Bobby – What are they doing in panel one? Are they really supposed to be drinking and talking at the same time? – are shopping at the S Mart, where they bought Big sodas and gazed away from the Yoo Hoo poster.

Hey, speaking of brands, it’s back over to Max Bacon (r) where he’s… sticky? I guess? Sure, that works. More accurately, Max looks a little stocky. It maybe that all of those sugar pills are starting to catch up with him. Nah, maybe he just needs to cut back on the flavored chocolate beverages.

January 27, 2015

Benchwarmer Brand Bacon – The Quality Pork Product For Discerning Gadflies, Layabouts And Hangers-On

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon — timbuys @ 12:32 am

January 27, 2015

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Jeez is Gil ever pissy in panels one and two there! I suppose his frustration comes from the fact that interacting with Marty in any way is its own form of punishment so why does Gil have to actually lift a finger and warn the kids off.

Bonus points: I dare anyone to stare at the jersey in panel three long enough that the scribbles start to spell out Jefferson.

January 19, 2015

What Do You Do When You’re Branded

Filed under: Milford Idiots, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 4:51 am

January 19, 2015
The Bucket is  PEN!

Now hold on just a cotton pickin’ minute. Bobby Howry is gonna start messing around with branding in addition to stat crunching? We already did with Dane Doyle (or was his name Schnon Schnaper, who remembers such things?). Also, Bobby looks like a forty-five year old man following a high school basketball player into the Bucket, telling him he could be adorable. We are definitely in some disturbing waters here, even adjusting for the fact that Bobby is just another misguided teen conceived of by a man who probably haven’t seen the inside of a high school since Ike carried his own golf clubs. Image manipulation is a staple of popular entertainment featuring teen characters and that theme is rooted in a fundamental reality of adolescence as a time of awakening to the artifice embedded in much of human interaction. The other reality is that with roughly 18 panels a week, many of which are required to contain sports “action”, it is hard to depict compelling, contemporary drama involving mercurial teens.

I like to think that the girl in the foreground is a self-aware character, staring at us right through the fourth wall with a look that says you’re not really buying any of this are you?

Thanks to teenchy for filling in for me last week.

January 4, 2010

Brand New Year, Same Old Perversion

Filed under: baseball, Coach Kaz, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Weirdos — jasbeattie @ 9:11 am

Happy new decade, everyone! Will this comic survive another ten years, outliving all newspapers in the process? Stay tuned to find out…

1/1/10

1/2/10

Welcome to the home of the Squintsalot family!

“Cassie, even though you’re 18 and I have no legal control over you, I forbid you to see that boy!”
“Mom, you’re talking to a lamp, I’m over here.”
“Your mother is right, we were much older when that bizarre badminton accident fused us at the hip and sealed my eyes shut. I don’t want to see the same thing happen to you.”
“You can’t see anything Dad.”
“Who said that?”

Meanwhile:
“Do we talk to Cassie anymore, or just stand idly by and make bitchy comments?”
“Watch out! That detached hand is trying to cop a feel!”

1/4/10

“Gil would you rather play games at home where the booze is free, or on the road where you can pick up anonymous tail?”
“I’d like to go to a middle school and watch the young boys play!”
“Ummmm, I’m going to go sit over here now.”

Unfortunately, the Milford bus driver can’t get the bus out of first gear, thus allowing Marty Moon to follow in his AMC Pacer. In accordance with Megan’s Law, he no longer sits near the team or the bleachers, so Moon takes his new spot at center court. The basketball season tips off, just in time to be two months behind schedule! I’ve been told it’s guaranteed to conclude by 2019.

November 18, 2009

The Adventures of Deion Brand, Band Geek!

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 9:04 am

11/17/09

11/18/09

I dunno about you, but I’d much rather be following the adventures of “Deion Brand, Band Geek ™!” than ever have to see Mini-mar again.I think what has been particularly frustrating about recent featured characters in this strip is that they don’t have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. At least Andrew Gregory was secretly taking care of his younger siblings…but lately we’ve had such clowns as Shep Trumbo and now Jackass-jar Gad-ass, who are just douchy assholes. We can still hope that Jackass-jar will get his comeuppance (oh yes, his uppance will come!) but I doubt it will be in any way severe enough punishment. So what do you think should happen to Mini-mar?

Meanwhile, Valerie seems to have two problems…One, she is unable to figure out that Mini-mar is not really one of the three fans who attend her games, and two, her left arm appears to be one foot long.

February 27, 2008

Sorry, no passengers. This TAXI-Brand TAXI is TAXI.

Filed under: Milford Weirdos, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 9:21 am

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I’ll admit I was at first confused by the conversation in the first panel…thinking “Big Ray” was someone other than Curley-Horse’s father. Once I realized that it was just poorly-constructed dialogue, I got bored with the story and decided to make fun of the art instead. So here it goes:

Panel 1: Today we’ll play: What exactly is that painting on the right supposed to be? My two best guesses are a fish from Finding Nemo being chopped in half, or possibly a two-headed Elvis impersonator.

Panel 2: Wait, is Margo Maureen practicing her O-face while Andrew’s bending over and not looking? Wow.

Panel 3: I think the real story is that “Big Ray” was kidnapped by the travelling circus. How do I know? Well, first the TAXI brand taxi is neither on nor off duty…It’s merely TAXI. Leading me to believe that while it’s indeed from Milford (“Where things are named exactly what they are, except in ALL CAPS!”), it’s really just the car the travelling circus fellow drives around to pick up the freakiest of freaks from Milford and cart them away…thus also explaining why local freaks disappear with such great frequency. (Hey, where’s Cully, by the way?)

So why is Big Ray such a freak? Well the giant left earlobe tumor and the single fat leg were enough for me to be convinced. Too bad poor Curley-Horse with his two legs and normal-sized head didn’t measure up.

October 25, 2022

Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out, Rambo.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:38 pm

Gang, like many of the readers, I’m an old-timer and not familiar with current emergency procedures. But the rough draft that I am gathering does make sense, given the Uvalde incident, as an example. It is sad that we would ever have to think that somebody is THAT crazy that we would have to prepare for such catastrophes but unfortunately that has turned out to be the grim reality.
A lot of things are out of our control but here’s what you CAN do. If you hear of somebody threatening to “blow up the place” or “shoot everybody on sight, PLEASE take it seriously. Report it to the police. Put this lunatic out for the public to see because lunatics are cowards and cower when shame is brought upon them. The more threats are taken seriously, the less likely a shooting incident will happen. I worked at a place where we had someone who threatened one day to enter the workplace with a gun and he “was going to spray everybody”. I immediately called the police and brought it up at our employee meeting. You have to, if you don’t want to see what’s happened at other places. Please do everything you can to keep cowards like that from doing serious damage. My feelings.


I wouldn’t mind Rambo Kicks Butt And Blows The Vietcong Out Of the Milford Gym if this plot were to continue but I get this sick gut feeling that Rambo will be shooting up the Commies in Mimi’s garage one scene, then Keri and Pedro order a Bucket Slushee at the Drive-In section the next. Not that I’m terribly crazy that the Milford SWAT team has happened upon the French class, as if this were Jonny Quest coming in for a Civil Defense drill and ensuring the class that, despite all the M-15’s either pointing at your nose or the French Conversation 3 x 5 note cards, both the classroom and the world are safe from the Sandanistas. For now. But as long as Gil is going to reach for his Derringer and shoot a few Leninist Russkies, can we stay in the classroom and find out if the Sandinistas get brought to justice at Milford Superior Court? We don’t suddenly switch to Mimi winning her case in Divorce Court because Gil was too occupied shooting North Korean guerrillas while substituting in Home Ec? Is that really too much to ask?
I mean, just a few days ago, we were in the volleyball version of Remember the Titans or Blue Chips (“You losers wouldn’t know how to serve a cup of tea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”) , now it’s Rambo Learns To Conjugate The Subjunctive Of Etre And Machine Guns The Map Of Marseille. Where are we going next? Rambo Napalms The Sandinistas Disguised As Janitors At Milford Adult Living Center? The Milford Peacock has chicks and is nursing them under Dr. Pearl’s desk? Pedro gets a D in Study Hall and goes before the Valley Tech School Board to protest the ruling? We’ve only got a little over two months, Thorpiverse. What are you going to do, Rambo Crashes The Milford Faculty New Years Party And Even Usurps The Tostitos? Yeah, just have the decency to leave the guacamole dip, Rambo.

Frank, Rob, and Bears fans on this site, congratulations on your Bears winning!!!! They just flat out took it to New England yesterday (with due respect to Patriots fans) . Outside of that inexplicable blindside penalty, they played great.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rambo And Gil Denied Access At Chicago Bears Game!!!!!!! Escorted Off The Grounds In A
Timely Fashion!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Bears Management: ‘They need to go back to Hicktown where they belong and stop saying that there are Vietcong guerrillas in the luxury boxes.”

What is this with the Pink Floyd approach? Is there anybody flunking French in this classroom tonight GET ‘EM UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!!!!! Did anybody come into this classroom without a hall pass GET ‘EM UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Who forgot to place a circumflex over the “e” in “le foret” GET ‘EM UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Who honestly thinks Kaz should be leaving rather than Gil GET ‘EM UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this almost has to be a drill, although I admit it is scaring the Gil out of me, but it’s hard for me to imagine Mr. T and the rest of The A Team coming in to go postal on us because they were removed from the networks due to low ratings. SWAT goes bananas because WDIG-TV slotted their show right after Romper Room? That might be one I don’t mind being undeveloped and left on the drawing board incomplete.

If you and yore other Mudlark Militia buddies answer the call cuz ya heard Bobby Howry wuz cumin back ta come back ta Milford High ta spray more than billboards and ya is all waitin’ by the boiler room door with yore shotguns and ya done barricaded the parking lot entrances with yore 4-wheel drives, ya might be a redneck.

In Dr. Pearl’s office while Husker Du’s Books About UFOs is being bootlegged out of her file cabinet

“Dr. Pearl, I’ll turn in those 2017 Volleyball Net Repairs report this afternoon. Coach Ochoa will promptly drop it on your desk.”

“Wonderful, Coach Thorp. Incidentally, can you drop by Milford Pet Store? I need more material to dispense in the peacock litter box. Plus a chick feeder.”

What makes this sillier is that even if this is just a drill and I’m going to bet Dr. Pearl’s peacock incubator that it more than likely is, they’re scaring the daylights out of everybody simply by saying “bang, bang”? Granted, I’d be scared poopless if somebody had a machine gun and his lips uttered “pow”. But what if it’s more than what you read on the cue card (i.e., SPLAT!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!! et al) and it involved contact but not what you had in mind? What if these SWATers were loaded with paintball fluid?

“AAAARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! He ruined my prom dress!!!!!!!!!! I’ll never get this out in the wash!!!!!!!!”

Yeah, If the Civil Defense/Serial Shooter Defense team was attempting to bring it closer to home, it might solve problems but create others. Could you really respect Gil if he was coaching practice with pink splotches all over his blue hair? Coach Kaz with pink splotches all over his earring? Couldn’t you imagine Dr. Pearl’s mascot with chartreuse splotches all over its tail? She’d have to put it down and go to Milford Humane Society and purchase a new mascot. God, I bet Coach Ochoa would freak if The A Team misfired and connected with the volleyball rack.

“Coach Thorp, who did all this graffiti in the hallway?”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, Milford National Guard had drill today.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“A Team And Coach Thorp Banned Permanently From Lucas Oil Stadium!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Indianapolis Colts spokesperson: ‘We understand they have a tough job but the damage to the Peyton Manning montage was significant.”

And while the Mudlark Liberation Guerrillas are leaving, isn’t it a tender moment to exhibit Gil hugging Cindy Brady? We resume this class, already in progress. Notice sarcasm.

This is absurd. All right, kiddies, we’re through playing Cowboys and Indians, you can resume your spelling bee. We’ll clean the paintball stains off your spelling books later. Does your teacher have 409 in her desk? We’ll also send an ambulance for Sitting Bull. He should be okay lying in state by the coloring books. Be prepared when we come back for Nuclear Barrage & Bombardment drill later in the month. Wear your Bugs Bunny mask to protect yourself from any nuclear fallout until then. You don’t want any unwanted radiation particles all over your Jell-o Pudding Pops.

Oooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back and not gonna take anymore. Baby, I feel ya, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Milford National Guard came to Milford High School to drive out the__________________.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Rambo And Gil Held In Custody With The Miami Police!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We we’re getting suspicious when they were shooting paintballs at vehicles in Don Shula Boulevard.”

I realize we are dealing with the modern times but let’s put some restraint on this one or next thing you know, Gil’s going to have to talk Leonard Lawrence out of his gun where the Full Metal Jacket sergeant failed. I’m not sure I’m watching Milford Mudlarks or The Rat Patrol. I daresay we’ve had more guns appear in these three panels than in the entire time Berrill took the stand. Okay, Thorpiverse, we are dealing with modern times and things like this are necessary and as Downpuppy mentioned, it was indeed an announced drill (even if I’m still a coward and hiding under the chemistry lab tables) and several officials were notified beforehand but with that said, this is a comic strip about sports, not The Longest Day. Is John Wayne going to be wheeled into the hallways and supervise this drill like they dragged his derrière all over the movie?

Now there is hope. The way these inchoate plots have crashed-and-disappeared, today’s panels resembles very loosely the movie Ambush Bay but it’s like watching the Americans negotiate through deep jungles to sabotage a Japanese communications station, then next thing you know, Mickey Rooney is assisting Coach Ochoa with the volleyball team. Hugh O’Brian (ex-Marine, BTW) gets on top of the WDIG complex and fends off the Japanese with only one machine gun, then Hugh is substituting for the French teacher. Therefore, while I’m not terribly crazy about “My Corps MY CORPS Your Corps YOUR CORPS Gil’s Corps GIL’S CORP The Marine Corps THE MARINE CORPS” that Leonard Lawrence and the rest of his platoon was barking out on the streets of Milford, I wouldn’t be surprised if Leonard Lawrence contends with Pedro for Keri’s hand sometime next week.

These ED commercials keep giving me cannon fodder. One was called Instahard. Dang, if only I’d imbibe more Ovaltine, I’d get a rise in my Levi’s every time I went to bed with my honey

At Coach Shaw’s residence at 12:31AM

“There, I knew I could cram that last box of Country Tyme Lemonade in the liquor fridge-“

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! Come out of the den and come to beddy-byyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

“Not now. I’m going to ingest this keg full of Nestle’s Quik and let that chocolate disperse all over my veins and arteries. I’ll be hornier than a bronco at the rodeo in two hours!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, I think there are better ways to satisfy a woman. And takes less time.”

“LIKE HELL, WOMAN!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I have to put my wiener in the crock pot and set the dial on slow cook to effectualize the gradual solidifying of my personal item. And when it’s been grilled to perfection, I’m tempted to dabble some K.C.’s Barbecue Sauce but that would ruin the bed sheets when I’m copulating.”

“Wook, unwock dee widdle do-wah and forget all about this silliness and let me show you what happens when you microwave your personal item.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!! I intend to drink another jug of Nestle’s Quik Vanilla!!!!! I had to sneak the water cooler out of the athletic office and thank God it’s empty so the Vanilla Quik wouldn’t be diluted. Man, it’d take more time to pump up my state of affairs. Ain’t no way I was going to get my thang waterlogged. Did you ever try to copulate with a water pistol?”

“Darling, if you took those EREC-3587 Huff and Puff and Fluff that I ordered from Milford Men’s Clinic, you wouldn’t be running up the bill on Nestle’s Quik. I saw your credit card statement.”

”And that’s only the beginning!!!!!! I called in at Milford Sam’s Club and the Lyft driver will be delivering two more crates of Ovaltine tomorrow morning at 10:00. By 10:30, I’ll be rockin’ you hard all day long. I’ll be pumpin’ that oil out of the well and be drinking more Nestle Quik Watermelon Wonder all afternoon.”

“I don’t think so. That’s the second reason I came down. Sam’s ran out of Ovaltine and had to cancel the order. You’ll get a full refund in twenty-four hours.”

“I never liked watermelon-flavored Tang or Ovaltine anyway. I had to ‘fess up to my problems. I took that medication she ordered and I haven’t regretted it since. It is like Chocolate and Vanilla in the same ice cream bowl. Isn’t it time you experienced your own sweet surrender and come to the Clinic for the solution? With programs and medicines that work, let the kids drink the Nestle Quik and you get it on with another consenting adult, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

I disagree, Gang, I think Valley Modified would beat Rambo’s Raiders in baseball, hands down. Nick’s Pizza would give VM the extra boost for a walk-off.

But God bless you anyway.

In the Milford Girls Locker Room, Leonard Lawrence sitting on the toilet with a rifle

“Coach Ochoa, can’t you get rid of him?”

“I’ve tried, Coach Mimi. He keeps brandishing that weapon and shouting out the volleyball rules.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office

“NO!!!!! Don’t you dare poop on my payroll reports!!!!!!!”

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