This Week in Milford

January 15, 2022

Who’s trying and who’s fine?

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, Milford Weirdos, Mimi Thorp — robmize2013 @ 2:28 pm

Yes its Saturday and this is the Friday post– had too much to do yesterday after work and with this weekend being a holiday for me I figured why not just do this on Saturday? (After I take down the Christmas tree, run errands and do some laundry.)

P1– I assume Cressa is fine and Maddie is trying. Is Maddie trying to be fine or be a better captain? Or both? Is Mimi also trying or is she fine? Either way she looks way too worried about the state of affairs 3 games into the season then she should be.

P2– and P3– we have the guys sitting at lunch and one of em proudly displays his first bet on SportsDuke. Well gee. All it is is a bet, dipwad. The time to strut your stuff is when you have your first WIN on SportsDuke. Who shows someone their phone when they make a bet? Yeah, these guys.

At least theyre doing 2 storylines at once and giving both genders equal treatment. How much money will be blown by the SportsDuke gamblers this season relative to their winnings? I was on one site where you had to have a minimum amount in your pot to be allowed to bet. I basically only gamble on the Triple Crown races and the Super Bowl, so its not like Im always on these sites, but hopefully these high school dudes have the means to blow money like that because the odds will catch up to them eventually and good luck asking their parents for a raise in their allowance after SportsDuke sucks away all their savings for college. Better concentrate on that basketball scholarship as well.

January 13, 2022

Even Plots Have Permanent Off Nights.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:02 pm

We were expecting Hollis Talley, in accordance with her Air Force outlook on things, to take this runaway bull and drag it back to the corral where it belonged. But nooooooooo, Cathy Sasaki is becoming the new Barry Bader and flouting her sniveling snot mentality on parade. Want a little more cheese and a Bucket Shake with that whine, Gil?

And she is rolling out the laundry list today. Cressa Baxter was Michael Jordan last year but Hank Finkel this year. Man, if she’d have practiced rolling that tractor tire in the mud a few more reps, she might have been able to back down the New Thayer center all night. And Maddie Bloom is super in practice but chokes like a bad muffler in the game. I knew we were in for a long night when she couldn’t even bank one in during the lay-up drill. Rebound drill was atrocious. She almost ran into the water fountain trying to track one down. Landry Carlson needs to file her nails cleaner. And use Breath Mints. We don’t want the refs to make her sit a possession until she gets that halitosis out of her mouth.

Really, Cathy should have asked the question the other day about leadership. How can I be the worst pain in the butt and grate the readers’ and my teammates’ nerves and grate in such a way so I sound like Dino yapping to Fred at feeding time? What can I do to sound off in the bus and act like a horse’s ass doing it and still get Coach Mimi on my side? Breast-beating to issues that really won’t help in the Valley Conference race but sounds good and harping on a teammate’s cologne or another teammate’s failure to air the ball up properly intensifying my desire to breast beat even if Coach Mimi has told me to put a lid on it 8 times? Cathy, keep asking the question, just do it in the back of the bus and let the rest of the readers sleep in peace.

Oh, and Corina Karenna should pass the ball more. And wear better sneakers. Those rags apparently went through the dryer after she walked the entire length of the Great Wall of China in them and the squirrel running the dryer keeled over of a heart attack. Wait a minute, Corina is in New York. Oh well, I need to stay in character. Hollis and Mimi aren’t doing anything but SAYING they’re a leader. Talk is cheap and so are Corina’s sneakers.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Cathy Sasaki Denied Filing For Candidacy On Library Board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They couldn’t handle my constant inventory methods plus my insistence they remove Milford Statistical Quarterly from the shelf.”

The bus arrives to Milford High and it appears Thorpiverse wants you to get acclimated to a campus feel. So the buildings straight ahead on the surface look part of that campus atmosphere T-verse is attempting to convey. But then M.C. Escher rears its ugly head and suddenly we are faced with a portion of that atmosphere, the middle part, that looks either to be the wall of the first building venturing into the background or looks to be the weirdest catwalk within a 50-mile radius between the two buildings. Do you go up the downstairs or down the upstairs? At least windows were installed in case we lose perspective and panic. God knows I would not want the sun to be upside down when I’m looking outward. And don’t even hope it rains. Watching a deluge when drunk with Escher, no wonder why the ladies are clueless, even if Mimi can’t bail out and blame inverted structures for her incompetent coaching. That’s going down with no upside soon. Maddie can blame bad free throw shooting for being in that hallway too long but Mimi can’t blame her misguided play-calling on the bus getting bent out of shape once it enters the friendly confines. You might as well blame your Magic Marker, Mimi.

“No, really, Mr. White, anything here at The Bucket is free. You just take your time and order when you’re ready.”

“How about a Bucket Clam Chowder as an appetizer with plenty of Frank’s Hot Sauce dumped in?”

“Your wish is our command, Mr. White.”

Oh brother. Famous last words. Let Coach Mimi handle it. WHO the heck called for this practice which in itself did indeed show incentive but had to be called by Frick and Frack as Coach Older Frack went home, oblivious to nothing else than her grocery shopping list? Yeah right, as soon as she gets out of the Beer Cave at Milford IGA to get Gil’s favorite booze, she’ll sit down and sort out who was doing extra wind sprints. Once she gets the kids out of day care, she’ll work on making rebounding drills more interesting. And woe unto those who dog it. As soon as Coach Mimi leaves the Bridge Club meeting held monthly at Coffee Cantina, taking her lime cappuccino along with her, she will hunker down and separate the wheat from the chaff. She might even have to cut the player. If she buys a lime cappucino for you while you’re sitting in her office, you better brace yourself because the largesse is a precursor to some bad news. Your attitude sucks and so I’m letting you go. Don’t forget to take your cherry bagel with your cappuccino on the way out.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Refuses To Endorse Sasaki’s Ascension To The Milford Parks & Recreation Board!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I didn’t like her position on playing venues. Playing Flag Football on the Milford Elementary Soccer Field just to save a buck won’t cut it with me.”

SHE’S AWARE OF THE SITUATION???? SINCE WHEN???? Just because she is bitchin’ and bawlin’ about the team record doesn’t mean she knows THE REASON FOR THE RECORD.

When I was coaching in Babe Ruth Baseball, there was a coach carryin’ on one day and when our League President cornered him to ask what’s wrong, this coach complained about how his teams in the past just ran over the competition but now were losing more than usual and he couldn’t understand why his teams just couldn’t simply walk on the baseball diamond and just win.

Our president’s answer was priceless

“Coach, you have 1 manager, 2 assistant managers, and 15 players from the other team making sure you DON’T win.”

Mimi, you need to touch base with your players. Not go home and cry about how you don’t get no respect. You need to be at practice FIRST before you start worrying about respect. Plus, there’s 1 coach, 2 assistant coaches, and 15 players from New Thayer (or designated Valley Conference team in this case) out there to prevent you from winning. You can’t just Mimi your way on the court, especially after you’ve non-Mimi’d practice or even at a couple of games when, say, Corina was running the show.

So go handle your one player’s problem with her braces and suggest an orthodontist by giving her a phone book. . Pat a Mudlark Lady on the fanny when she picks up all the towels after the student trainer upped and quit. Buy a Diet Coke for your guard when she makes that extra pass. Just be there so you CAN handle it.

If yore coach finally shows up at yore 8th grade softball tournament after he done got posted bail for his 3rd DUI and is declared sober by the league to coach yore team, ya might be a redneck.

Everything is accounted for in P2 but what is that alien monster in the lower left hand corner? Early indications would say the Beef-a-Roni/Beef-o-Ghetti Monster of the ’70’s. How did it get off the bus and/or escape Cathy’s venom? It really couldn’t hide under the seat. Either way, you want to have practice for screening, with their girth, I’d be practicing setting screens on the whole New Thayer starting lineup. Lay-ups will be a cinch.

But then we get to where Mimi and Gil are crying in their beer and have the merchandise to cry with. Foster Brooks couldn’t have designed this vignette any better in P3; the only thing missing is the crying towel and Mimi may have that crammed up her butt in case her eyeball gets too lachrymose and her eye explodes out of its socket like it’s on the verge of doing in her kitchen.

And Gil has that “I was only going to ask where’s the pear that was in this fruit bowl next to me” look on his face. Sorry, Mimi, I know your team sucks. The Valley officials are pathetic. Where’s the remote? I was going to watch Wild Kingdom.

Just put your eyeball back in the socket and suck it in.

“And the final score, New Thayer, 68, Milford, 59. Too little, too late as New Thayer showed tonight why they were the favorites to win the conference. And all that extra time of Coach Mimi not being in the gym working with her players evidently did not pay off. I’ll have final stats after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Thorp household at 4:45PM, Sunday

“The other night, they were playing our song

Been out of coaching not too long

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow ooooooppp”

“Daddy, I gotta pee pee baddddddddds. Open the door.”

Gil, with the shower head blasting full steam ahead, is oblivious to Keri’s protests

“For sixty years, I have had no clue

But that never stopped me from jumping on you

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow oop”

Mimi can hear Gil’s awful rendition of Beach Boys “Getcha Back” even with the smoothie blender at full capacity in the kitchen. Enough is enough

“Gil, what is your problem? Keri’s head is swimming and I don’t want her watering my tulips again.”

“No problem, Honey. This Nestle Quik Male Enhancement Chocolate Drink Mix that I mail-ordered from Milford Wholesale Warehouse has me in a lather which is the idea. But the directions recommended taking cold showers and singing your ass off to your favorite hip-hop to further drive home the point. I hope you don’t mind chocolate on my breath because I’m driving home the point tonight in bed.

My thing was limp as Cool Whip in the bed

Tonight I’m gonna show you that it ain’t dead

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Bow bow bow oooooop”

“Gil, get your butt out of the bathroom now before I throw some Bad Vibrations at you. Keri needs to go now and if she pees on the floor, you’re cleaning it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh Dammit Woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve been freezing my ass off the last hour and a half and I intend to raise my game to peak performance. I’ll be Goose Givens and his UK Wildcats all over Duke in the ’78 Championship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m even gonna cut down the nets.”

“Mommy, I’m going to get some Nestle Quik Strawberry out of the cabinet and drink a gallon of that stuff. I wanna get some Good Vibrations just like Daddy and practice humping on Keri’s Cabbage Patch Dolls.”

“JAIME, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Though we’re hopelessly stuck in last place

I’ll be up and down at a feverish pace

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow ooooooop”

“Gil, did you even read the fine print on the package? It says product is non-refundable. You won’t be singing GETCHA BACK to the money order you sent.”

“She was right. And Nestle Quik and Male Enhancement Formula is like dumping Pepto-Bismol on popcorn. So I ate the charges and marched down to Milford Men’s Clinic to get my Good Vibrations without having to take showers in the Arctic Ocean. With treatment programs that are sure to please, isn’t it time for some Good Timin’? Come get some Fun, Fun, Fun at Milford Men’s Clinic today.”

Gang, that isn’t Nestle Quik Caramel that Mimi’s drinking out of the bottle. I’ve never know Nestle Quik to jerk an eyeball out of my head. I’ll admit it can make you a little hyper but you should be in one piece after drinking.

But God bless you anyway.

“When I was at a kid at the playground

I pretended that I wrestled you to the ground

GETCHA BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bow bow bow oooooop”

“Gil, get out of the shower. I have a meeting tonight for my class reunion at Coffee Cantina.”

January 12, 2022

Sasaki Gets Stitches

The Lady Mudlarks struggled through the name-dropping shout-out non-conference portion of their schedule. Rather than leaving it to Mimi to help the girls gel and improve their game, appointed captain Hollis Talley, at the suggestion of teammate and friend(?) Cathy Sasaki, decides to lead by example. The example she uses to lead by is an unscheduled, voluntary practice after practice, followed by a thirst-quenching, electrolyte-restoring round of hot joe at the Coffee Cantina.

Now it’s time to move on to conference* play, where It Just Means More®. Despite a yeoman effort by the stalwart Landry Carlson – sinking shots while getting tickled under the armpit – Milford loses again, dropping to 1-3, 0-1 on the season. Now what’s a captain to do?

Ignore her rat fink of a bestie, if Hollis’s hand is any indication. It doesn’t take a space cadet to see that the post-practice practice was held with no advance notice, was clearly made optional and, most importantly, was not held with Mimi’s endorsement. Now Cathy’s gonna dime out two girls who weren’t at that practice (Cressa, another stalwart from last season, and the heretofore unmentioned Maddie Bloom) and somehow blame them for the loss? Hopefully Hollis threw that hand up for Cathy to talk to it, rather than as a sign that she’s going to take that info to Mimi to act on… or to act on it herself.

Does the Air Force engage in fragging? Asking for a friend.

*Rubin has been calling it the Valley Conference since time immemorial. What’s this “league” crap? Did he watch The Big Lebowski before cranking out today’s strip?

December 18, 2021

Talley Up the Votes

Time for this season’s Mouseketeer Roll Call, Lady Mudlarks version, and with it comes the changing of the guard. No, I don’t mean Corina Karenna, though that’s how that’s supposed to work. It’s the changing of the guard at the Milford Star and, frankly, Mimi doesn’t know how to handle it.

Instead of talking to a peer in Marjie Ducey, Mimi now has to rattle off her roster to Heather Burns, who roamed the halls of Milford only five seasons previous, and her ever-present smartphone. Look how Mimi can’t make eye contact with Heather. Look how thick Mimi’s mustache is getting. Look at how manly her hands have become. (Then again, she’s always been as manly as Gil, so there ya go.) The players stay the same age, the reporters get younger, but the coach does neither.

Her youth and her backcourt gone, Mimi tires to convince herself that her bigs will save the day. Cressa Baxter did her part last season but what about the other two? Landry Carlson has been a fixture in Milford softball for the past couple of seasons but has never been called out on the hardwood, and where was Hollis “Zoomie” Talley until this past week? Spending her free time with the Civil Air Patrol?

Maybe she’s just relieved to be rid of Corina and Tessi “No Defense” Milton. Without them, there’s less likelihood of dissent among the team… that is, until they try to pick a captain. This should devolve as quickly as that whole TCFS debacle from a couple of softball seasons ago. I might’ve missed this before, but did the Lady Mudlarks always vote on a captain or did Mimi pick them? How did your high school teams select captains, TWIMers? Talk amongst yourselves.

March 20, 2021

Playin’ Burr, Sir!

Off to Vermont we go where we find the Lady Mudlarks playing a team that would seem better suited to be a rival of St. Fabian’s. (Burr and Burton’s most famous alumnus is Bill W.) The Chief has drawn Neal’s buddy at the Detroit News pretty accurately and has her throwing no-look passes and setting fruity picks. (Meanwhile, Louis C.K. is picking up the scraps of his career in stripes, though doing it a girls’ basketball games isn’t the best look.) “Toyota” Cressa Baxter’s efforts are quickly for naught as Milford quickly begins to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… and oh, look at whose feet Rubin has chosen to lay the defeat: this season’s designated heel and shallow girl. Doesn’t take much to imagine a conversation like this:

Pardon me.
Are we playin’ Burr, sir?

…and Burton. Who’s asking?

Oh, well, sure, sir
Tessi “The Contessa” Milton, I’m at your service, sir
I have been looking for you

I’m getting nervous…

Sir…
I play the game at Milford.
I was seeking some attention for the Lady Mudlarks
When I got sort of out of sorts with a buddy of Doug’s.
I may have teased him. It’s a blur, sir.
He handles the announcements?

You teased Vic Doucette.

Yes!
I wanted him to call for us.
Rile up the crowd, then give us silly nicknames.
He looked at me like I was date bait; I’m no prom date!
So why’m I so bad? Why ride in his grandpa van?

You shouldn’t flirt with nerdy boys just ’cause you can.

I’m a player. Of course, I’m a player!
God, I wish that I could score
Then I could prove that I’m worth more than Corina Karenna (whore!)

Want to hear what I think?

That would be nice

While we’re talking
Let me offer you some free advice.
Shoot less.

What?

Block more.

Huh.

Don’t lead on that kid Vic Doucette; he’ll go with four.

You can’t be serious!

You wanna get ahead?

Yes

Girls who can’t play defense will get read.

March 19, 2021

Hey look! Coaching!

Filed under: actual action, Mimi Thorp — robmize2013 @ 8:21 pm

I dont know if I’ve ever seen a projector screen serve as a whiteboard but thats the case in P1. Mimi actually has an idea how to go about beating B & B, and apparently it doesnt involve Tessi doing all the work. Instead, Cressa Baxter steps up her game inside.

Only problem so far is Mimi’s plan involves stopping B& B’s attack, but P3 shows Milford scoring. We need to see how they defend the point guard and the wings who certainly get the ball from this point guard many times. I would use Tessi to guard the point guard since she’s tall, and keep her assist total down. Make that center who cant play beat you.

December 31, 2020

Gil Thorp and Pro Wrestling. Two Things That Definitely Aren’t Fake.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:05 am

Face it, Gang. You can change the channel to HBO, to CNN, to the Milford Fine Cooking Channel, to Milford Community Calendar Channel, to Milford Sports History Channel, to The Nashville Network, to Milford Musicians Who Played At The Grand Ole Opry on The Nashville Network, to Milford Home Improvement Channel, to Milford Auction Block Channel, to NBC, to PBS, to Milford Arts & Entertainment Channel, to ESPN, to Milford Real Estate Happenings Channel, but if you go back to WDIG-TV, they’ll still have Memphis Wrestling with Lance Russell, Dave Brown, and Cory Macklin.

We have tried to will Peppermint Potty out of existence but she keeps turning up to abort the flight even before it gets off the ground. You better grab a magazine. As I mentioned yesterday, I should have known better.

We were all hoping she would ride off into the sunset after Milford’s game with Valley Tech, especially when she made her point, albeit castigating two lunkheads who set their own agendas with brownies was questionable. We gave her a donkey to ride, an appropriate mode of transportation, to ride off into that sunset.

At least the donkey didn’t return.

So brace yourself for more Corinavirus. And with Doug Unser and his NASCAR jacket in the scheme of things, what is Corinavirus going to do when Doug Unser shows up late for class because DAYTONA ran past schedule, tell him fly a Cessna next time and then hand him a frozen Butterball Turkey on a platter? Advise him to use a real race car, a Salt Walther Special, at the Indy 500, not a monster 4-wheeler that could crush all the tackling dummies at the Milford Football Practice Field? Oh, and eat the rest of this Rhubarb Bundt Cake. Betty Crocker has a way with careless race car drivers who occasionally play point guard for the Mudlark Basketball team.

“Damn!!!!!!! I knew I shouldn’t have raced at the Poconos!!!!!! Too much snow on the mountains!!!!!!”

“If you’d get your head out of your ass and wake and smell the Gil, you wouldn’t have taken the Pennsylvania Turnpike for a silly contest that only shows the stats in the Milford Enquirer Scoreboard section. Your team needed you and lost in triple OT because you’re a selfish cad and a worthless lout and a boneheaded turd who only thinks of individual accomplishments and you deserve to get guillotined at noon this morning at Milford Community Center for leaving the team to get eaten by the alligators. Want some Oreos? They’ve been lagging in the cookie jar for three weeks.”

Are they going to put a hood over Doug Unser’s head? Sometimes these beheadings can get messy.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Tommy Rich Win Back The Southern Heavyweight Tag Title At Milford Veterans Memorial Coliseum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That’ll teach Lawler and Jarrett to talk about our mothers on WDIG.”

Who are those ladies from behind those towels sopping up sweat and continuing a Nice Game Corina You Got Game Fellowship Hand Extender And An If She’d Quit Yakking With That Tow Truck Of A Body That Would Back The Whole Opponent Down And Play Defense Rejoinder well into basketball? Only The Shadow knows.

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Becca and Corinavirus. Attaway to execute a flailing attempt to display an element of surprise to the plot. Like that’s Blondie and Tootsie covering their faces with smelly towels. Is that Mimi in the corner wiping her butt with one of them things? I can’t tell, the Holiday Inn towel Gil stole at the last Coach’s Convention is covering her head.

Thorpiverse was just trying to delay the inevitable. We can’t sit on Tessi Hilton and the clothing she wears at Milford Girls Basketball games and Valley Conference Chemistry Seminars, no, no. Thorpiverse played it safe by extending soap operas at Milford Girls Volleyball matches into basketball season that saw Corinavirus and her two girlie-girl friends embroiled in controversy-of-the-week situations more than we EVER saw Mimi coach. She did coach, right? I was too wrapped up in Peppermint Potty receiving the MVP trophy at the football game. She and Becca were co-Milford Moose Lodge Sportsmen of the Year at the football banquet.

And guess what? If removing those smelly towels is any indication we’ll see MORE General Hospital than 3-on-1 fast breaks at girls games, assuming we’ll see the game at all. It’s nice that Corinavirus can make a move on somebody IN PRACTICE. Whoops, we have to pre-empt One Life to Live if we want to see her do that IN A GAME???? Darn the luck.

It’s comforting to know that Vic Doucette will be there with the call should she remove the towel and execute the give-and-go. Let’s not have Vic navigate through Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

At the girls basketball game

“Corrrrrrriiinnnnnnnnaaaaaaa-VIRRRRRRRRUUSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Twwwwwwwwooooooooooo points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Uh, Vic, that’s not Corina. She’s down at Talladega giving Doug Unser a tongue-lashing. And some Ho Ho’s.”

If ya keep comin’ ta tha same Game area year after year even tho THIS year they’s 1,547,034 hunters in the same patch uv acreage just cuz ya bagged an 8-pointer 20 years ago, ya might be a redneck.

And The Shadow People return. It’s not enough for T-Verse to have Peppermint Potty torture us with another in a long line of smartass zingers, no, we are once again forced to use process of elimination and try to reason through who’s in the background.

Okay, T-Verse, let me get my Idiot’s Guide to Logic and Lewis Carroll’s Logic Games You Can Play While Waiting At The Milford Airport (had to have been updated, given the time Carroll lived-see, I’m using logic here. Carroll is proudly looking down from Heaven) out of the drawer and let’s see if we are on the same page.

That person with a bustline has to be one of the basketball players. Doug did not return from Talladega and suit up at the wrong practice. He can’t be that tired. And I scratched out Jerry Lawler. He’s at Milford Veterans Memorial Coliseum with The Moon Dogs in a Milford Death Match. I also entertained Marcell Irby but he’s too tall. And given that it’s a girl basketball player, that cannot, cannot, cannot be Cressa. She had a bustline that could do an NBA clearout. I thought Rick Mahorn used to set bone-crushing picks. Cressa can run the picket fence all by herself. All we need is a shooter. Corinavirus is the logical choice if she decides to play.

And the other one has to be another basketball player unless the Quaker Oats Man went out for the team. But remember, this is girls basketball. Stay within the rules of logic.

If ya is involved in a civil lawsuit with the Milford Veterans Memorial Coliseum cuz ya is in a dispute with Coliseum officials over Pro Rasslin’ season tickets cuz ya wanna sit one row further but the officials contend yore preferred section is fer senior citizens and yule giv yore lawyer a coupla tickets as a first-installment payment if ya win th’ case, ya might be a redneck.

And who isn’t surfeited with Corinavirus and her stinging witticisms by now but usually when she utters something acerbic, it hits the mark. Alduous Huxley would have been proud. She could have written “Point Counterpoint” and nobody would have noticed the difference between her and Huxley.

The punchline fell on its face today.

I am THINKING she is making a back-handed stab at Tessi’s silliness, given the eye-rolling a few panels before this practice. Even if I personally have no problem with Tessi’s fun-loving nature, especially because I worked for years for bosses like that (the day went better, trust me) , Corinavirus proved it on the court and give her credit for knowing where to go.

Just don’t take that remark to the Milford Comedy Club

“…wasn’t that nice for Gil to stand in for one of the back-up vocals on ‘Jackie Blue’? The Ozark Mountain Daredevils are certainly appreciative. Now here’s a comedienne who never had to work because she knows how to work a crowd. Herrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee’s CORINA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Well into the act

“…and the Mock Turtle asked the Blue Crab where his turtle shell went and the Blue Crab responded ‘Well, somebody faked something…”

“…and Dr. Pearl said to her clerical assistant ‘Can you finish these 2013 Cafeteria Condiment Shortage Reports? I have to go to the faculty bathroom and take a royal dump’ and the clerical assistant answered ‘Somebody faked something…”

“….and Kermit the Frog asked Dumbo the Elephant when they were sloshing in the bath tub ‘Where’s my rubber ducky?’ and Dumbo cheerfully answered ‘Somebody faked something…”

Later

“Folks, she’s a little nervous. Cut her some slack. She’ll knock ’em dead at the Milford Comedy Club Valentine’s Laff-Off!!!!!!!!!!!”

Gang, I just received my 5,000th view and it is because of YOU.

I never get caught up in scoreboard watching. You take care of the people, they’ll take care of you. Now I’ll admit when I was getting close, I did peek at it from time to time(ha) but I’m no fool, if I do more scoping than writing, then I’d be trapped in my own numbers plus that wouldn’t be fair to you. You have been way too good to me. I am painfully aware “Write good stuff, they’ll read it”. And I am nothing without you TWIMers.

You have given me 5000+ reasons to continue and thank you for three solid years of support. Without your loyalty, as the Washington Post says, Democracy dies in darkness. You people are our hope for Free Speech. Please keep that hope alive, for America’s sake.

I have enjoyed working with Tim, Doug, Rob, and Teenchy these past three years. George Harrison joined the Traveling Wilburys because he wanted to be part of a group again. My sentiments exactly. I love the feeling of belonging and associating with first-class dudes such as these gentlemen.

God bless you all.

Where is Marjie sitting???

Marjie, if there is an adjustable function on the high chair, you might want to use it. We know you lap up to Gil but we really aren’t in need of a demonstration. Just press the button and voila! You’ll be eye-level with Gil. Granted, Fred Flintstone gets intimidated whenever he gets called in the office by Mr. Slate but Fred was never in line-of-sight of Mr. Slate’s crotch.

And whattup with the hand? Do you grow your hands out of your torso or are they connected to the shoulder like the rest of the human race? Just don’t try to shake hands with Gil once the interview is over. Or stand up from that chair Gil borrowed from the 7th Grade Tonette Band class.

Dr. Pearl, while listening to “Walking on the Moon” by The Police

“…I don’t know, Mimi, I know Tessi goes through uniforms like used underwear at a yard sale but I don’t know if we’ll have another batch at the Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union Annual Quilting Bee ready by Tuesday. I’ll call again…”

Why is Gil mistreating Marjie so badly?????? Marjie is not afraid to ask the tough questions but it’s not as if she has ever attained muckraker status like Marty Moon has reached. Goodness, Marty is Muckraker Emeritus.

All Marjie is asking is what a reporter at the beginning of the season would normally ask but Gil has to be a jerk and confirm to the TWIMer readers that coaching will be secondary to everything else you pursue. Jive Turkey is right. Gil, you are a turd.

Marjie doesn’t even show up enough to be a fly in anybody’s affairs. She just appears at the beginning of the season, eats sloppy joes in 90 degree weather, crawls out of the vent space when she’s done talking to Gil, then heads back to the cave for hibernation until it’s time to talk to Gil at the beginning of the next season. Until she goes on sabbatical. Somebody else will have to come through the bathroom window if they want to talk to Gilberto.

Gil, we know one thing. Tom Muench won’t have to drive anybody to practice. A. J. Foyt will get Doug Guthrie there until Doug’s Teo Fabi special is out of the shop. I understand it’s getting a tune-up.

“And we’ll be back to see if Corinavirus can stand a second helping of eggs on Milford Comedy Club Open Mike Night after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

Folks, I laughed my butt off when Corinavirus was telling jokes one night at the club. I can’t remember half the things she said because I got stoned and I missed it. Should’ve told the waiter ‘no’ after the 9th Busch Light.

But I didn’t waste time in this studio to ramble about a teenager’s fledgling attempt at humor and my fledgling attempt at booze. Hi, this is Coach Thorp here on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and they are seriously comcerned that our fine liquors for purchase are being misused every New Year’s celebration. And The Warehouse would like to step to the plate and address the issue.

Come in now and bring your Certified Papers from the Milford Board of Health verifying your sobriety the last 3 weeks and The Warehouse will give you a voucher good for 1.75 Liter of Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon with every purchase of at least $15.00 in merchandise. Shoot, you don’t have to buy booze. We’d love to clear out those Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee Cheese Ravioli cans that have been vegetating on the shelf next to the Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey end cap for 6 months. Shoot, a whole 24-pack of that Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee Macaroni and Sausage will getcha about 3 or 4 vouchers, for sure. Mmmmmmmm, Cannelloni and Bourbon, now that’s a Super Bowl snack right up my alley.

But some of you got religion and would like to get Notarized by your preacher. Hey, I have no problem with Oral Roberts avowing that you won’t be sleeping next to the lockers at Milford Greyhound Station while you’re satiated with the hard stuff. And The Warehouse wants to recognize your road to recovery with a coupon good for half off of a Michelob Ultra 24-Pack with a $25.00 purchase. Just buy $25.00 worth of 2% Prairie Farms Milk and I betcha ol’ Oral will cut you some slack when you tote that Michelob in your shopping cart to your trunk.

And some of just got released from the Milford Penitentiary and you would like to show you can hold your liquor and not wind up driving the getaway car when you’re holding up Milford Federal. Sure, everybody wants a fresh start, we understand. Bring in your cover letter from your parole officer and with a $10.00 purchase, you’ll get half off Bud Lite in the 24-Pack. With the 50 dollar bill you got from the Warden, a piece of paper and some chump change will get you back on your road to reform. We’ll even throw in a can of Milford Vending Low Salt Beer Nuts to encourage your return to society. You’ve paid enough debts.

The Warehouse wants to prevent accidents lije the one at the Milford Courthouse Annex last year that had to call 3 firehouses to bring under control. With incentives like these, New Year’s celebrations will be truly a celebration with the police only used to sing ‘Auld Lang Syne’. Come get your own piece of reform, make sure they signed and notarized it, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

May God bless you in 2021, Gang. You mean the world to me.

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, Dr. Pearl said somebody told her she has bustline like Sunmaid Raisins but she said she’ going to Senior Disco Night because she wants to prove she’s still got it. What does she mean by that?”

“Oh look, Keri!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Good Humor Man has fudgcicles on discount!!!!!!!!!!!! Here’s a 50. Have at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

At Milford Comedy Club one night

“…and I asked Kaz, ‘when is Guthrie returning from the Alaska 500?’ and he answered ‘What do I look like, Kermit the Frog with a sex change????'”

The keg can be heard pouring

“Don’t worry, people!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t think Corinavirus has left the building!!!!!! I guarantee, she’ll knock ya dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

December 29, 2020

Plot Is Just A Four-Letter Word.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:03 am

Seems like only yesterday

We left this rot behind

Wallowing at The Bucket

With no gist of a plot in mind

We sat with a concrete block on our knee

We begged to be rescued from slavery

Our eyes deluged with tears of misery

A phrase popped up about Gil

Occurred

That plot is just a four-letter word

Gang, I had to start off with a Dylan Classic, sung by the great Joan Baez, her album “Any Day Now” just a killer of a disc. My dad used to play that back in the ’60’s in his Corvette on his cassette players when those gadgets were in their embryo stage. Had to use the tune for Gil-slaying. I’m sure Joan will understand.

And why not? Ol’ Doug just returned to Rockville from Florida, like any of us could just skip homework and go to Disneyworld. Hey, Coach, can I ditch practice? I’ve always wanted to meet Mickey and Minnie and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I’ll work on my free throwa on the way. I understand this one rest stop on Florida’s Turnpike has basketball goals and a full court in its parking lot. Right next to the IHOP. I’ll get my FT percentage up to 70% before I load down on Blueberry Paradise Swedish Flapjacks. Pass the Aunt Jemimi Lo Cal.

Coach Thorp, name me one player from an Indiana high school which won the High School Boys Basketball State Championship back when it was one-class who would essentially TELL his coach, not ASK his coach, that he was skipping practice or a game because he was racing in the Daytona 500 over the weekend. Just about any coach from that period would have told that player to stay in Daytona because you won’t be on the team. No hard feelings.

Coach and Doug, Marion High School did not accumulate the State Championships on the city water tower because the Giants (nickname of the school) had players who did as they durn well please. Nobody skipped practice to play in clabber tournaments. No beach volleyball participants. The point guard for the ’75 Giants (one of the years Marion won) did not tell his coach he was going to attend a Jehovah’s Witness convention.

Gunnar Wyman, the coach of the Vincennes Alice that won the State Championship in ’81, was a target of a petition to remove him as coach. When his team won the State, he kept that petition. Thank God my name isn’t on it (ha) . Anyway, I’d hate to know that one of the reasons the petition came to be in the first place, besides not winning enough games, was because Gunnar wouldn’t excuse the team from Sectional when they were in the Vincennes Lanes Teenage Division Bumper Bowling Final. And Gil, Gunnar has more Indiana State Banners than you. Take the hint.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Wins The Senior Adult Single Exhaust Turbo Funny Car Finals At Milford 400!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’m really proud of that trophy. I’m gonna put next to my Heisman on the bookshelf.”

And Thorpiverse is once again assuming the idiotic, that TWIMers can’t reason together and sort out the fish from the rubber tires floating around Mudlark Lake. That’s right, T-Verse, I’ll just grab my bamboo pole and reel in that Michelin tire. Heck, you can’t tell that from trout. It all filets the same.

Did Doug drive at warp speed to get to Florida so that he could race in God knows where? As many of our readers have pointed out, it’s debatable where Gil’s Milford is located but let’s situate Milford, for argument’s sake, somewhere in the Midwestern or Mideastern portion of the U.S. C’mon, Gang, he didn’t drive to Florida over the weekend from Milford, Maine just to get to Boca Raton for a Go-Kart Tournament. I mean, it’s about 5 hours from Atlanta to the Florida state line. Anything beyond that and your piling on more hours, several at a time. So unless he lived on Bankhead Highway in the Milford Neighborhood of Atlanta, I’m wondering how he managed to motor, say, 20 hours to maybe Arcadia or Clewiston or Tampa, run a corridor along I-75 to stay in basketball shape, do his homework at Denny’s (does Denny’s Conference Room at Gainesville have a chem lab?) , have spare tires in his trunk if his Go Kart blew one around turn 3, recruit the locals to be his pit crew, win the race, go out and date the girl that’s normally one of the prizes besides perhaps a fairly sizeable check, CASH THE CHECK, go back to the hotel and do more homework and pray the Clewiston Marriott has a gym to work on basketball defensive footwork, then head back home. Oh, I forgot the tolls. Better bring a change purse.

In time to talk about Donald Duck on Monday morning after plenty of sleep.

Yeah.

And he drove 20+ hours (maybe) for anything short of Daytona????? If he raced in a swamp pit outside of Osceola driving a 1911 buggy with a motor fresh from Rudolf Diesel’s laboratory where the loser gets devoured by alligators, well, telling Coach Thorp “take the team and shove it, I’m heading for adventure” would be worth it, otherwise, Doug, take your tolls and shove it. And go to practice.

If ya tell the boss at the insurance company ya work fer that you is skippin’ Friday at the office so yuz kin drag race at the Milford Speed-o-Rama and ya enjoy takin’ off the shirt and tie fer some major smoke and grease inhalation and a trophy ever now and then ta stick on yore desk, ya might be a redneck.

I heard Gil rambling in his office

Dogs howled to the break of day

Doug should keep his mouth shut

Gil has no words to say

Your coaching was limited and underfed

You prated and crowed, we flipped our lid

You’re incompetent as supposed coach of the kids

You probably didn’t think we’d

Rid

Of you

But, Gil, Plot is just a four-letter word

ANOTHER CHANGE OF DIRECTION!!!!!!!!!!!! No sooner has Doug stepped off the S. S. Minnow at Mudlark Lake after a weekend of rubbing elbows with Huey, Dewey, and Louie and racing his Radio Flyer at the Daytona in time for his first class than we have a bouncy, giggly female who wears her basketball uniform in the hallways, the school prom, while singing Handel’s “Messiah” in front of the Christmas tree at Milford Civic Center with Milford Choral Society, while she’s getting her wisdom tooth yanked out at the dental office and at campfire sings. Now if she forgets her uniform at the basketball games, I give my carte blanche for somebody to shoot her.

And it would only be fitting that Shiny Happy People are following Miss Wore Uniform As Johnny Reb At The Battle Of Vicksburg. They’re about the only people numb to this girl’s apparel.

Not that I really object to her attire. There are people who live for sports. But in the world of Thorpiverse where we’ve observed a succession of persons with no life, I’m betting a Bucket Burger she’s not about to end the losing streak. Keep your shirt on, literally.

So now we have a point guard with a jacket with more decals than on your refrigerator and a girl with a uniform we hope got washed this week. Her joie de vivre is encouraging until she displays her armpits. Actually, she’s doing that now as she shows off her shooting form. As long as Tide goes hand in hand with her sleeping in her jersey, I have no problem with her follow-through.

At the Milford Gym at practice

“Tessi, You’re putting good arch on your shot but…did you take a bath this morning?”

“No, Coach, the Milford Sewer Department had to dig behind our house again.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“SST’s Seen Soaring In The Milford Skies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Unconfirmed reports say a student on loan was being returned from Florida.”

And Corina is back AGAIN???????? I’m sure she was sent as a wet blanket to Miss Wears Uniform Over Her Graduation Gown and the bubbly enthusiasm thereof, but why? Is it really necessary to send Corinavirus to shoot down another human being, even if that human being is accumulating BO on her stats, not to mention shirt? Every time someone gets bigger than his or her britches lately, Corinavirus is there to rise to the occasion. I’d hate to have Gil talking about his next Dream Team on WDIG. Corina would call in and compare Milford’s Dream Team to the ’62 Mets. Shoot, I’ll take a girl’s halitosis on her uniform than one with halitosis to her mentality, Corinavirus most definitely in mind.

So when Doug steps off the SST and talks about the trophy he won at the Osceola 500, is Corina going to be there and say he couldn’t take his Go Kart and do the same thing at the Indy 500? Is Corina going to be our resident rain on everyone’s parade? Thank God she wasn’t skating with Coach Kaz at Gil’s Christmas Party. She might have checked Kaz’s skates for lice. Anything to stay in character. I’m talking about Corina, not the lice. Or did you think…Nahhhhhh.

Let’s kill off Corina by having a Coffee Bean Ornament fall straight off the Thorpmas Tree square on Corina’s head, splitting her skull in two. Problem solved.

COACH KAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COACH KAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW WHO SHOT COACH SHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Really? Who was it?”

“It was-“

“Time out to wish all my fans and friends a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.”

P3 will never be the same.

Gil bolted from his cubbyhole

Escaped from coaching games

Drifting in and out of plotlines

Unmentionable by name

Searching for real coach, nothing more

That evaporated to the core

Though Milford pined and canvassed any door

We all surmised that there was nothing more

Absurd

Than that this plot is just a four-letter word

Gang, remember Karl “The Mailman” Malone? He always delivered in the NBA. One of the greats who I highly respect for an excellent career.

I think Tessi is talking to The Mail Truck in P3. Where is Corinavirus when you need her? Oh sure, she’ll shoot down a paper airplane but when a C-130 goes blasting over the Milford School grounds? She left like Gil. Corinavirus, you disappoint me. You can take the wind, but not the smell, out of somebody’s sail until someone comes along and looks like they not only haven’t missed a meal, damn, she ate the whole buffet table. She ate everybody literally out of house and home. Don’t go to lunch hour at Milford Diner if she’s ahead of you in line. Unless you plan on ordering water. Corinavirus, you’re not there with Maureen to throw stones at someone whose culinary methods are flagrantly careless? As long as you’re going to be a public nuisance, you might as well crucify them all, although you admittedly would need bar joists to hoist Cressa on a cross while heading to Golgotha.

Though I hardly understood your methods

When you were speaking to your team

Your players fixed the agenda

Every day or so it seems

Your shoddy plans that’s supposed to last eternity

Blow up in your face, that’s the destiny

Fall on deaf ears, discipline roams free

Yes, we know now, your trapped yourself liberally

Your laissez-faire coaching

Assured

That plot is just a four-letter word

And I really don’t think “Fat Farm” is really in Tessi’s vocabulary even if Cressa really won’t have to do what Alexa did last year to heighten her aggresiveness. Cressa could back down a Greyhound in the paint, it wouldn’t be necessary to knock her classmates around in the library, they could go flying into the non-fiction section if Cressa wasn’t careful. Cressa should have no trouble blocking out a water buffalo and smaller this year. And if Cressa decides to wear her uniform to school like Tessi is doing, serious alterations would obviously have to be met. I think there’s still some used American flags in the storage area that could pass for a temporary uniform until the UPS truck arrives with the specialty orders.

But the TV show sounds like a winner. I will check it out.

At the Thorp household during the Holidays

“Mommy, Daddy dead-bolted the garage and won’t let anybody in. He says Santa forgot to give him something. But I don’t hear any Ho Ho Ho’ing. And where’s Rudolph?”

“Uhhhhhh, he still might be on the roof. I saw hoof prints on the antenna.”

Mimi heads outside

“Gil, what are you doing in the garage? And why is it locked?”

“Hang on, Honey. I have to give myself a shot in the butt because I want to get sexually aroused. But I forgot which needle he wanted me to use first so I’m trying to find the winning combination.”

“Is thst the reason why there’s hypodermic needles on the coffee table?”

“Darling, I’m tired of being limp in bed. I don’t want to start strong in the race and poop out at the finish line. If I stick the right formula in my rear end, I’ll have more moves than Jordan in the ’91 Finals.”

“Mommy, I didn’t know Jordan could dunk because he gave his butt a shot.”

“Keri, that’s silly. Daddy is wasting his maxed-out credit card on medications prescribed by Dr. Seuss. If he’d use those EREC-3500 supplements like I have begged him forever to do, he wouldn’t be freezing out in the garage.”

“Mimi, I’m fine. I have 15 more needles to try and one of them will make me feel like Tarzan. I’ll bet he had fun jumping on Jane like a trampoline.”

“Daddy, I thought Santa Claus was in the garage with you.”

“Blubba blubba, he is, Sweetheart, as a matter of fact, he’s eating his milk and cookies while I’m taking care of a very important medical problem. Santa understands. He delivered the goods to make me big and strong. If I can soar with the eagles rather than caw with the crows, I’ll give him some more Oreos.”

“Gil, I’d rather you have Chips Ahoy! for dinner than to be needlessly sticking yourself like that. Why don’t you open the door and let my love in?”

“Daddy, I don’t see Rudolph anywhere.”

“Glippy Glop, he’s probably with someone he can hump, I mean, he is probably off with someone who really likes him, right, Santa?”

HO HO HO THAT’S RIGHT. I’M GIVING HIM SOME DOWN TIME BECAUSE HIS RED NOSE GOT ME THROUGH THE LAST BLIZZARD YOU WANT TO TRY THIS NEEDLE GIL?

Mimi, rolling eyes at awful imitation, a flailing attempt at James Earl Jones with some Dick York thrown in

“Gil, please get out of the garage and come to your senses. You don’t need a vaccination clinic at Walgreen’s to conquer your ED problems.”

“Mimi, I will stand firm or all get some more needles.”

“Daddy, I’ll bet Rudolph doesn’t use needles to get a girl. That’s what his nose is for.”

“When my daughter made it crystal clear, it was time to face my problem. And Mimi was right. Just a glass of water and one dose of EREC-3500, and I got me a brand new bag like James Brown. And with other effective treatment problems that work at Milford Men’s Clinic, isn’t it time YOU found your reindeer to slip under the sheets with, brimming with confidence that your red nose will rise to the occasion? Guide your own sleigh at the Milford Men’s Clinic today and tell ’em Santa sent ya.

You’re wrong, Gang, Cressa can back down a moose in the paint. Shoulda seen the number she did on Bullwinkle.

But God bless you, Gang.

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