This Week in Milford

November 12, 2016

Pete DeWindt, Healing Nicely

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Trainer Rick Scott — nedryerson @ 10:13 am

111216

Why, hey there, Marty! Aren’t you a handsome devil?! What’s this about a clock? 4-1-1? Thanks for the info, Marty!

Meanwhile, over at Milford High, Coach Gil Thorp and Trainer Rick Scott do an informative walk-and-talk. Pete DeWindt is going to the doctor, and Gil is thinking positively.

Pete, you’re gonna be fine, but you’ll have to sit the rest of the season. It’s okay. I hear they have a girl TE now, and that’s great…along with Wiebe & Ruffin out there. It’ll be fine.

Advertisements

October 11, 2018

…’Round and ‘Round and ‘Round and…

101118

High-flying in this worthless plot

Losing altitude

We go ’round and ’round  and ’round

Until it sucks up air again

 

Sorry, gang, just had to dip from the Classic Rock well again, this time from the Rock band Yes off their album Tormato (scrunching together “tornado” and “tomato”, you whippersnappers) which was released in 1978. And WE ARE just spinning our wheels on this one, allowing a teenager to dominate the landscape when the jury is still out on his character, let alone his game in general, let alone his punting prowess.

No Marty to skin this one alive and hold Gil accountable for spending more time with Arnie and Tiger in August when August was the time to be ferreting out what the heck Gil was going to do for the next 3 months? C’mon, Thorpiverse, you can’t bail out on the “Marty’s been suspended” excuse this time. Gil is roaming free like your small pet in your efficiency apartment and Marty is not there in his 26-cage Milford Animal Enforcement truck to haul him back to the pound. Gil is peeing on every fire hydrant in town.

 

P1: “Raise your hand if you’re Surrrreeeeeee……”

And I could have contrived other deoderant commercials running the gamut from Ban To Arrid, even gone the Roll-on for either one. Such a perfect setting. Coach is on his hands and knees begging Our Hero to come out for the team, Our Hero promising to go out if Coach promises to fork over the two duffel bags of footballs in Dr. Pearls’ husband’s tool shed (apparently an overflow in the equipment room) , give up his Hank Williams Anthology that he ordered one night on a K-Tel infomercial, including liner notes on how he froze to death in his car AND which year he froze to death (some say December 31st, others like the hitchhiker who looked inside, just wanting a ride, January 1st), and puh-LEEAAASSEEEE slap on some Right Guard. Unless some kid went for the jugular and aimed his water pistol at your pits, not that that I’m ruling that out…

Be that as it may, Irish Spring would complement your Big Jake physique.

“Coach, I don’t mean to say you have B.O. or anything and thank you for that photo of Heather Burns’ dad posing next to Bart Starr when Mr. Burns was a teenager and wanting Bart to autograph his Bucket Lemon-Lime Slushee cup when Bart kicked off the Milford Fall Chataqua Festival Parade, but when you and Coach Shaw go hunting, do you mark off spots so your wife can pick up the scent? I think you might want to watch out for female raccoons in heat when you traipse into the Milford Wildlife Reserve on your next outing.”

 

One early morning on Milford Transit Authority Mini-Bus #7757, Marty Moon is engaged in a heated debate

 

“Whattya mean, you had another handicapped passenger??????!!!!!!! WE’RE handicapped!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah, but this was serious. If he loses his dentures, he can’t eat any solid food. Then he’ll shrivel up and die. We finally found them underneath the fire extinguisher. He was so happy that his Houston Colt .45’s won the Super Bowl, that he expectorated them while giving commentary on the winning TD.”

“Bud, there IS no more teams with that moniker, let alone win the Super Bowl!!!!!!!!!”

“Whatever. Anyway, we kept feeding him McD’s Breakfast Burritos until we got him to the Milford Rehab Center to regain his strength, after we re-inserted them, of course.”

“Does the Rehab Center keep Dentu-Creme on hand?????!!!!!!!! That might cement them into place!!!!!!!! AND CEMENT YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Never thought of it that way.”

Thanks to Dale Smith and Dustin Figg of Valley Station, Kentucky for the last idea. You guys get the shaft many times but your presence is never taken for granted with me. Despite your visual impairment, you keep America moving. Both of you have overcome  a lot to achieve the American Dream. I salute you both.

 

Again from “Tormato”

The tale of all this inanity

Will go down in infamy

Onward, plot’s got blight

Onward, a bad flight

Onward, with no fight

Onnnnnwwwward, out of sight

of my minnnnnnddddddd

 

What is this exchange with Kaz and Joe in P2 and P3????????? Joe looks like he’s in a job interview. Essentially, when you think about it, it pretty much is but even then job interviews, last time I checked, take about a 1/2 hour-1 hour if you’re applying at McDonald’s, Burger King, Chick-Fil-A, The Bucket (making sure you’re paying attention), KFC, etc. This one’s been 2 months running. What do we have to do a background check on NOW???? Joe’s punting average in Pop Warner League Football? To see if NFL scouts are still interested? Joe’s favorite yogurt flavor at The Bucket (Bucket Peach Pit Delight, BTW) ? Get him on the damn team and let’s get ready for the next game which by my calculations is TOMORROW.

“So when can you start?”

“How long will this plot last.?”

“Are you willing to work overtime?”

 

 

 

Kudos to Matthew Maloney of Fern Creek, Kentucky. You go to work at Kroger ready for action and thereby keep the customer well-stocked with the groceries the customer needs. You have been working there for years, rarely missing a day and ALWAYS being on time. Gang, I think he likes his job. We need more people like him because he makes America great. Next time you come to Fern Creek Kroger (just north of I-265) , say hello to Matthew and treat him with respect. He’s earned mine and I bet he’ll earn yours too.

 

At Milford Towne House Condominiums in the green area

“Okay, Keri, you’ve had your turn. Now let Jamie ride the zebra for awhile.”

 

Updated copy of “Home on the Range”

“Oh, give me a home/Where the buffalo roam

And they snore in Milford Penthouse tonight

Where seldom is heard/A gray buzzard’s word

Its owner got a writ in Milford Heights

 

Home, Home on the Range

That concept has lately gone strange

Where apes and baboons

Share a posh time-share room

And they Google New York Stock Exchange

 

 

“Johnny Olson, I’ll bet you have another member of the studio audience who would love to kick the night away with John Travolta, don’t you think so, people?”

WE BET HE DOES JOE HE HAD HIS CUE CARD IN HIS CRACK READY TO ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

“Well, they were right but I wiped before I crammed it in there but George Snerdley, COME ON DOWN you’re the next contestant about to learn Joe’s secrets.”

Snerdley comes on down, running over a Pinkerton on his smoke break plus a couple of octagenarians in their wheelchairs. His gut is one great big Jello-in-motion running down the Colosseum steps, eager to learn before the Super Bowl comes to Mudlark Stadium in 2023.

“Awwwwwright. So Joe, where you from?”

“Right here in Milford.”

“Awwwwwwwwwrrrrriggghtttt, I’ll bet he’ll be easy to teach how to kick one straight through the chute, these Mudlarks get it right the first time, whattya think, audience?”

WE THINK CAROL MERRILL WILL BE BUSY RETRIEVING BALLS OUT OF THE NET, JOE

“I thought so too, people. So George, tell us a little about yourself.”

“Well, I’m married, there’s my wife in the 27th row, the one with the “Gil on his Motorbike” tattoo on her left boob (YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY) , I have two children, both grown, one was not able to be here today, in fact, he’s in the cell block next door to Mr. Bader, but the other one’s an engineer for Dow Chemical right here in Milford. And I travel, I’m a salesman for Milford International Tire Company. We sell industrial tires to many companies in many companies. We do a heckuva lot of business overseas.”

“REALLY!!! Where are you going this week?”

“Oh, they’re setting up a coal mining operation in Lichtenstein. I’m supposed to be at the Grand Opening of Vaduz Black Beauty Mine #23 next week. A couplke of C-130’s and we’ll keep their coal trucks happy” proudly grabbing his crotch with glee.

Joe, shooting a 1/100,000 second dirty look at Camera #3 for the unplanned obtrusive Crotch Shot, continues

“Wellllll, people, he’s a busy man, isn’t he?”

SOUNDS LIKE HE PUMPS MONEY INTO THE GNP OF BOTSWANA AND SURINAM, JOE!!!!!!!!

“He sure does. All right, I noticed you brought your brother along.”

“This is Mel.”

“Mel, how long have you had that one tooth inb your mpouth?”

“Ever since I got in a brawl at the Milford Lounge 10 years ago. Told Jerry Pulver he was a selfish egotistical piece of slime who hogged the ball just to set a scoring record. The rest of the team should have just sat down and watched. He didn’t take a liking to it and the next thing you know, several people got arrested but I decked him pretty hard and got out of Milford Prison Camp after only two months on good behavior.”

“Ooooooooookkkkkk, hopefully, the same thing’ll never happen at The Bucket. So now, are you going to be George’s holder?”

“Sure am.”

Joe throws out a few phony chuckles that the audience can tell is fake since Joe was reading from the wrong cue card. The real cue card got mixed up with Johnny Olson”s Next Contestant index card

“Well, it was either that or Carol Merrill and somebody’s gotta go get ’em unless you wanna catch ’em with your tooth.”

GO FOR IT MEL

“Whoaaaaaaa, audience, he’ll puncture the balls and he might get headaches from all the banging around.”

TAKE A GOODY’S POWDER MEL

“WAIT A MINUTE, isn’t that Mel Tillis’ line on The Ralph Emery Show?”

WHOOPS GOOD POINT JOE

“Thank you, studio audience. Thought I was losing my mind” as the plastic laughter from the studio audience and the canned laughter are Synchronized Swimming in motion. Gold Medal if I ever saw one.

“ALL RIGHT George and Mel, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL…”

 

If ya fail at kicking a pigskin after ya’ve tried 1,574,785 times and ya just say the Hell with it and ya go down to Milford Sportsman’s Club and use it as a clay pigeon, ya might be a redneck.

 

O.J. on the “Milford Community Comment” show

“Man, I fed that dude some Cheerios and next hting you know, he literally shoots through the roof.”

 

 

“Well, you almost made it. Sorry, Johnny Olson, we didn’t mean to spill your coffee on your P.A. system. Now, remember, George, look it all the way in…”

 

Marty, jamming to “On The Silent Wings Of Freedom” by Yes over the speakers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus, much to Gertrude DeWindt’s annoyance who is riding up front, nearly T-bones the Mudlar-K-Cola truck crawling out of the Milford Lounge. Gertrude smashes her head into the plastic guard that partitions her from Marty. Plastic shards are everywhere.

“Don’t let bus drivers who let Classic Rock distract them from that Union Pacific barreling down the track. Call The Shark today and get the money you deserve.”

“Marty got his license revoked for two months and I received just compensation for my loss. They even replaced the Rent-a-Boyfriend model and even paid for his funeral expenses. Now, I not only have this in my possession (displaying $546,263,689, x 10^5 check) , but my new boyfriend I got free from Milford Rent-All is even sexier. He could give a few pointers at the Milford Men’s Clinic Symposium. Mudlark Lake Resort here we come, the El Dorado of sex retreats.”

Heard in background, a split-second after testimonial

“Nice job, Mrs. DeWindt. You read the teleprompter perfect.”

“If you’ve been in an accident with a Roadway or an antelope, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

Thanks to Mary Simpson of Jeffersontown, Kentucky who helped me with the comedy idea above. Your Christian faith inspires me and I enjoyed talking to you the other day. Your ideas prove how intelligent you are and I like your getting about and about. You’ve made a difference in people’s lives. I will be praying for you because you’ve made a difference in mine. God bless you.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, you finally got it through the uprights. But I’m not going to make this an easy exit. I’ll give you a Peyton Manning autographed Denver Broncos jersey, Luke Bunkin’s jock strap he wore in the Playdown Final where he made the game-saving tackle, a gold-plated Mudlark-Heather Burns-Signature helmet and mouthpiece that Carol Merrill is now wearing AND $5000 to call off the deal.”

NO!!! NO!!!! DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!!

DO IT!!!!!! LUKE’S SWEAT IS SEXY!!!!!!!!

PEYTON RULES!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER RULES!!!!!!!!!

PEYTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LIKE THE WAY CAROL MERRILL MOVES THAT MOUTHPIECE BACK AND FORTH

Last outburst contributed by  Mel Snerdley, amazing what a man can exclaim with one tooth

TAKE THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!! DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Vote now in the next 30 minutes and you’ll get Joe’s punting cleats, shoestrings included, all for 29.99. Oh, did we forget to mention that Joe is throwing in the Official 2018 NFL Rule Book ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!! But you gotta call within the next few minutes to take of advantage of this ridiculously generous offer that Joe had to send a person in concrete shoes down Mudlark Lake to get approved. Operators are standing by.

Don’t wait. CALL NOW!!!!!”

 

Gang, have at it. I’ll leave you with Yes’s “Rejoice” off of “Tormato.” I humbly hope you’ll agree that this sum things up at this juncture

 

Sitting in a stupid God-knows-where

Hashing out the verbiage, talking like true idiots

Kaz is mired in a patchy fog, I swear

Football plot is killing us, Bolek is a minion

 

And we’re not even Close To The Edge

 

Hey Guys

Bye Bye

Till tomorrow

 

See ya

Be the

Lack of sorrow

 

Killing us with silly politics and lunacy

Challenging our intelligence

My o My

It’s no wonder why they can’t win a game or two

There’s no course for competence

Wiping out our innocence

 

Reject

All the things we’ve seen

Gil should abandon ship

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round

Until it lifts its bow again

 

Reject

Ditch this plot right now

Cut its throat, and how

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and…

 

October 9, 2018

Now, This Punting Tutorial Belongs to the Ages

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, football, general nonsense, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:08 pm

100918

Gang, this is gettin’ kinda silly. Y’know, when Babe Ruth called his shot in the 1932 World Series, he wasn’t in the 28th row in the stands at Yankee Stadium (conceding that Called Shot was actually at Wrigley Field, lay off, Cub fans-ha) with a group from the New Jersey Chapter of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union (“It’s Prohibition Night and all Ladies & Gentlemen displaying their “Just Say ‘No’ To Bud” proudly on their lapel anywhere above the waist will go through the turnstiles free and receive 1/2 off all Dr. Pepper, Grape Nehi, and Yoo-Hoo! drinks and Cracker Jack products and can even keep the prize”), not that that was the wisest move to make given his track record on booze, hob-nobbing about how to go yard. Yeah, Ladies, burn the Lite Beer from Miller operation somewhere in the woods on Staten Island and watch the ball all the way to the bat. Luckiest man alive, George Herman.

And great comparison, Joe, with the Rocky flicks. Really, you raise a good point. Like “Rocky”, if you’ve seen one kick, you’ve seen them all. Apollo Creed can only kick in so many different styles. His James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine” technique isn’t so innovative after the 1000th kick.

And I’ve seen infomercials better than this. Oh, c’mon, when you can’t sleep and you’ve tried counting sheep or you’re on your 13th Sominex or you sit in the recliner chair playing some New Age rendition by Enya or Michael Oldfield or Andy Summers after he broke off from The Police (New Age, trust me) or “La Sagrada Familia” from Alan Parsons off of “Gaudi” or (BTW, I checked, Meat Loaf’s Bat out of Hell didn’t qualify) even a bit- bluesy-but-could-stay-within-the-limits stuff such as Earl Klugh or Jon McLaughlin, even with the latter playing at an RPM faster than the normal rate (still love it) , and YOU STILL CAN’T SLEEP, whaddya do?

Time’s up

TURN ON THE TV

 

“Are you tired of not being able to kick a simple Nerfball out of your back yard? Wouldn’t you like to boom one straight from your living room to the top of the Empire State Building in Milford? Well, now you can and Joe Bolek can show you how.

Joe was in your shoes. Everytime he got mad and tried to kick the cat, he wound up on the deck, missing a Persian or a Siamese or even Garfield by a mile. Other times, he hit a jaguar that had been given up for adoption from a tenant at the Milford Senior Living Condo and, man o man, did he have to run the 50-yard dash ASAP just to escape the Milford Humane Society building.

Joe decided enough was enough and learned from the best. He spent hours and hours secluded in the monastary in St. Meinrad, Indiana, only consuming 2 slices of bread and a glass of water every 12 hours watching video after video observing how the great ones do it. From Ray Guy to George Blanda, Chris Gardocki to Mike Eischeid, Garo Yepremian to Joe Danelo,  Joe got better at backing up his talk, spending hours, when he wasn’t attending Matin or Nones or Vespers, in the Indiana cornfields mastering his craft, learning all the secrets in the bargain. Now Joe wants to share those secrets with you.”

 

“Here he is, give our hero a warm welcome, won’t you?”

“Hey, gang!!!!!!!!!!”

HI!!!!!!!!!! JOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gang, I wanna show you that YES, YOU TOO can kick a game-winning 73-yard field goal like Tom Dempsey and you don’t need half a foot like him to do it. But in order to show my excellent techniques, I need a volunteer from the stands. Yes, you, ma’am, come on down and let’s kick some A, whattya say?

A lady with a walker hobbles 15 rows down the steps, aided by a couple of gentlemen, more than likely her sons. They remove her oxygen tank.

“All right, you’re lookin’ good, I thought you were my girlfriend for a second. I can tell you make liberal use of Pond’s Medicated Creme. And, boy, Revlon’s in the family heirloom WOW!!!!!!! DOUBLE WOW!!!!!!!!! So what’s your name?”

She reels back momentarily, flattered by his demagoguery

“Gertrude DeWindt.”

“Yo, Gang, I think we have some family among us, don’t you?”

SURE LOOKS THAT WAY JOE

“So any relation to Pete?”

“Why yes, he’s my grandson and I remember when he kicked a winning 5-yarder in Milford Pee Wee League Football and we treated him to a Peanut Buster Parfait at the Milford DQ after the game, he just LOVED peanut butter in his ice cream-”

“Ooooooooookkkkkkkk, Mrs. DeWindt, let me present to you how you kick this pigskin right through the uprights that Carol Merrill is holding in front of Door #3. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be in demand by all the NFL teams. You’ll be able to buy out the Revlon factory with the money you’ll be earning plus what’s behind Door #3. Are you ready to change your life forever?”

“Sure.”

“AWWWWWWWRRRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT HERE WE GO. Ya gotta swing your foot as if fire ants were up your dress, that’s it, swing that foot and limber up, now next, keep your head down and DON’T LOOK UP UNTIL YOU’VE MADE CONTACT. Whattya think, audience?

SHE’S POSING LIKE ‘THE THINKER’ JOE

“Sure does. Rodin couldn’t have sculpted any better. NOW aim the center of your foot toward the center of pigskin that Johnny Olson is holding on the tee and kick with all ya got in ya. Do you want me to hold your dentures? Your son will hold ’em for ya. Fair enough.”

As son stashes them in the rear of his Bermuda shorts

Gertrude is aided by mini-stage twirling in a tarantella, if it were a record, “Feelings” would sound like “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, she is swinging, swinging, swinging, makes bulls-eye target with the football, the pigskin is true through the uprights…

“SEE I TOLD YOU GANG MY PATENTED TECHNIQUES WORK!!!!!!!!!!!”

YOU SURE DID JOE

After the cue card rudely tells the audience to settle down and shut up

“Now let’s see what’s behind Door #3.”

 

 

 

 

I have written about these people before but the Austin, Indiana Fuel Mart deserve another shout-out because they treat the customer like royalty. And, gang, do they have the goodies. Lotsa chips, candy bars, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, not to mention the sodas and bottled waters a-plenty and a table full of Little Debbie’s at discount prices. They have ALWAYS treated me like a king and they will afford you the same courtesy, believe me. How they pack so much stuff in a little store, well, that’s a pleasant problem if you ask me. If you’re in the neighborhood (just off I-65) , get your gas and snacks in the same place and be on your way. Makes sense to me. Support Small Business, gang. Take care of those that know you by name. They know mine.

 

 

In response to a sign I saw the other day from an apartment complex in Anywhere, USA, advertising its place with a special incentive emanating from one of its signs “Small Pet Friendly”

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, I had a great time but what are we going to do with the white rhino? He’s just completely ruined the shower stall. Then he smothered 3 kids playing kickball in the cabin over in the next lot.”

“Damn, Peaches, don’t look at me. The instruction manual said they would grow in 6-8 weeks.”

“Marty, we’ve only had the cabin for 1 week.”

After 6 weeks of haggling and hashing out and taking the Lord’s Name in vain more than necessary in an injury case but FINALLY engineering an out-of-court settlement between Marty Moon (“defendant”) and Mudlark Lake Resort Inc. (“plaintiff”) to everyone’s satisfaction (the latter represented by The Shark) via Marty willing to part with 1/2 an inheritance he received from a rich uncle who traveled with Dr. Livingstone in the jungles of Africa when his uncle wasn’t serving as President of Milford Mercedes-Benz)

“If rhinos have trespassed into your bathtub uninvited, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. We’ll fight to get get you the money you deserve.”

“I had my right leg chewed off by my neighbor’s leopard who lives down the hallway from my apartment in Milford Luxury Suites. I found out that he’d been housebroken since he was a kitty but that no trainer was available to control the predator instincts,  something my neighbor failed to report to the landlord. The Shark attacked my neighbor and the leopard and it was roadkill when the dust settled (displaying $3,475,975,024,960, 847 check) . Thanks, Shark.”

“Did a baby elephant demolish your backyard patio verandah, Smokemaster grill included, and send several people, children, embroyos, etc., to Milford General Hospital for multiple injuries and deaths? Call The Shark today!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Seen on The Bucket marquee

“Bucket Sampler

Spaghetti, Lasagna, Egg Plant Fettucine, 3-Bean Salad, Medium Drink (Mudlar-K-Choc-ola excluded), 2 Breadsticks, Parmesan Cheese included, 8.99

Pop quiz on the 16th-century Italian Renaissance this Friday-know how to spell ‘Titian’, ‘La epoca del penseroso della citta della Roma’, and ‘Arther Fonzarelli-The Fonz'”

 

“IT’S A TRIP TO MUDLARK LAKE RESORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mrs. DeWindt, your husband may be dead, but we’ve thrown in a Rent-a-Boyfriend of your choice direct from the Milford Senior Living Center. You’ll enjoy the Milford Transit Authority transporting you to that dream cabin and a courtesy oxygen tank, personally autographed by George Burns, that Carol Merrill is breathing through…”

 

 

 

This one’s for Crystal at the Edwardsville, Indiana Marathon(across the road from Edwardsville United Methodist Church, from either place you could run the 100-yard dash to I-64). She ALWAYS has a smile on your face and lets you know how much she appreciates your business which explains why the place is ALWAYS busy. The mechanics there are always hoppin’ as well as there are ALWAYS vehicles in the lot, waiting to be fixed. They do good work at a fair price, folks. Gang, unless you are in Timbuktu, swing on by and patronize this business. They have earned my respect, as well as several other peoples’ respect, to make things a hell of a better store.

Sure, we all shop at Wal-Mart. But you need to be somewhere where EVERYBODY knows your name. Crystal knows mine. Support small business. Keep America strong.

 

“And Seven Chinese Brothers have sent a booming kick straight into orbit. We have an Official’s Time-Out as the grounds crew is being sent to one of Jupiter’s moons, Io, to retrieve the ball. This will give me an opportunity to take a commercial break. Milford cuts into the lead with 7:24 remaining in the 3rd Quarter with the score, Tates Creek, 28, Milford, 17, you’re listening to Marty Moon, the voice of WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

Mr. Price has entered the office of the Milford Men’s Clinic.

Several minutes later, the secretary, unwilling to admit her sadistic pleasure at observing the poor, timid creature, meekly reading the April 2004 issue of “Family Circle”, trying to devour the article ‘How to Spread Mulch More Evenly on your Petunias in the ‘Hood of Milford'”

“May I help you?”

“Um, yes, perhaps you can. I’m here to see a doctor about my, well, let me express myself as best that I can, dearth of sexual fortitude. I am filled with a mortal disturbance that my wife continually calls me, how did she utter the words, oh, yes, ‘limpdick’.”

Ceasing her sadistic streak, once again becoming Donna Reed behind the sliding glass window

“No problem, Sir. It’s always good to come in for an oil change. You’ll be good as new comin’ out of the shop. We need you to fill out these papers.”

As the secretary hands Mr. Price  a clipboard with 27 sheets of homework. Peter Brady isn’t around to assist. Not even Peter’s snow jobs will get Mr. Price out of this one.

“I like how you filled out my Aflac Insurance Papers. Many secretaries skip the part on where I attended kindergarten. And thank you for mercifully skipping the part on how I get myself sexually pumped before bedtime (not willing to admit he humps a Cabbage Patch Doll) .”

“You still haven’t stated in the section on Sexual Activity how many times per week you’ve had sex with your wife. And we need to know if you’ve EVER had any extramarital affairs, Mr. Price.”

After putting himself through the meat grinder, Mr. Price has FINALLY reached the summit of Mt. Everest. He BS’d his way through the part on bondage tools (“I merely pretend I’m Roy Rogers and Dale Evans is The Dalton Gang”-none of that remotely true) and proudly turns in his Mona Lisa.

The secretary, sensing that much of this is sexaul malarkey, gets her revenge by foisting on Mr. Price another piece of paper.

A POP QUIZ

And this time, it’s unexpected.

“Have at it, Mr. Price. And take your time. There are no right or wrong answers. Respond the way you feel.”

Mr. Price, feeling like Bugs Bunny when Elmer Fudd is aiming his Uzi in Bugs’ rabbithole, is unsure where to begin. Thank God he has plenty of Papermates.

1)  When my wife sees me in my BVD’s, she creams all over the bed   A)  True  B)  False

2)  It’s a toss-up between my wife and my 3 basset hounds as to who’s more excited to see me  A)  True  B)  False

3)  I am deeply affected when I read in Archie Comix that Archie Andrew stopped in his jalopy in an alley behind Pop’s Choklit Shoppe and tells Jughead Jones that he’s breaking up with Veronica Lodge and has an interest in Jughead  A)  True  B)  False

4)  I share the same feelings when Jughead Jones tells Archie that he’ll stick to his hamburgers, thank you, and has no interest in women or men  A)  True  B)  False

5)  I am overwhelmed and share the same hurt when Midge tells Moose that he’s as erect as an unused garden hose  A)  True  B)  False

6)  If I were in a thong bikini at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club, my wife would be fighting off the other women when I’m up on stage boogieing to “Disco Inferno”  A)  True  B)  False

7)  I worry that my students in my 4th Period Greek and Roman Civilization class talk behind my back about my erectile problems concerning my wife  A)  True B)  False

8)  If I see Penthouse or Playboy or Oui displayed on the magazine racks up front at the Milford 7-11 during my lunch hour, I really fight the urge to buy one (or two or…) to heighten my awareness of the situation rather than call my wife where she works and arrange a quickie  A)  True  B)  False

9) The only intimate contact I make is when I feed the lambs Ensure Chocolate Delight at the Milford Petting Zoo.

10) I get sexual ecstasy from laying my soul bare on this Pop Quiz and am willing to tell my wife at home, after she was chewed out by her boss today at work, the same thing

“Well, as you perhaps might have surmised, my sexual station was quite in arrears. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I was permitted to rediscover my inner Chi and gain newfound respect with my wife. I didn’t need to render the services of Peter Brady to, shall we say, Bullshit my way(First for everything, Mr. Price, Peter would be proud) through my saturnine erectile dysfunction. With treatment programs that work, my students have noticed my more congenial comportment since I have been able to GET IT ON (a load off his brain which can focus now on grading essays “Caesar’s Relationships with his Generals”)  with my wife at the 22nd hour of the day. Come try them today. You will not be disappointed.”

Comment away, gang. I remember a Major League baseball player, Alex Johnson, reputed to be somewhat sullen, being asked by a reporter “Alex, last year you hit 15 home runs but this year you’ve belted out 20 dingers. What’s the difference?”

“5.”

Kinda sorta how I wanted to answer P2.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid Turns Up Giraffe In O.J.’s Apartment!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Simpson will have to pay $1000 fine and perform 100 hours of community service.”

October 4, 2018

“Gil, They Can All Boom It From 50+ Yards, But One of the Seven Chinese Brothers Has Turf Toe.”

Gil Thorp Comic Strip for October 05, 2018

 

 

Seven Chinese Brothers were once asked

If they could punt

Six were sure of foot

Five kicked 50 yards

One was a runt

 

Gang, as you might surmise, this post will have an REM flavor to it. Why not? One of the more influential Rock ‘n’ Roll bands, and then some, they will weigh in today on this plot already on life support. Call it pulling the plug on this vegetable with a little help from my friends.

 

Brace yourself. Gil is starting to get intellectual on us. I should have seen it coming when the other day Kaz and Joe started sounding like the VideoHound. I understand Leonard Maltin will be giving the pregame speech the next game.

“You guys could do better in the plot but I liked the cinematography. Those poplars on top of a rosebush we see in the background at Mudlark Stadium save the film from a total disaster and the script, though I’ve seen better in Godzilla vs. The Mudlark, peters out and gives us a ray of hope should there be a sequel. Now kick New Thayer’s ass, Gentlemen.”

“LET’S DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

And sure, not all coaches are dumb jocks, having been involved as a high school booster/coach, but  Coach Kaz looking like he just read out of Fodor’s French in 10 Days is REALLY stretching it. Next thing you know, he’ll be utilizing all the French words we use in English anyway just to display to the world that there’s a Harvard side to him.

“Gil, voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?”

“No, Kaz, I can’t go with you to the cafeteria for breakfast. My doctor told me to cut back on the bacon/egg soufflé and grits. No Cream of Wheat either.”

So the next time you see graffiti in stall #3 in the boys bathroom and it reads “Madame Pearl est plein de le merde”, it won’t require Miss Marple to find out who the culprit is.

 

Situation clearly sucks

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Pistons in combustion chamber stuck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Gil would sport much better luck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

In his bathtub coaching his rubber duck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Ohhhhhh, wish we were on our way

la da da da DA DA

Basketball next day

la da da da DA DA

We can only plead and pray

 

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Yeah

 

And JUST WHEN Gil and Kaz go Einstein on us, P2 confirms it was a false sense of security.

POP QUIZ TODAY???????

Isn’t pop ANYTHING meant to convey a sense of surprise with the intention of compelling your underlings to cough up information that you should have been studying the night before instead of going to the Milford Bijou to watch “The Return of the Brady Bunch: Mr. Brady Transfers to Milford Toyota As A Corporate Lawyer”? And speaking of the Brady Bunch, isn’t that Mr. Price, y’know, old-timers, the one Peter Brady was snowing because he was so focused on working on the school newspaper that he forgot to memorize all the capitals of Latin America and South America? He still might have passed if he’d taken more time spelling “Tegucicalpa” correctly. Spell-checker might have helped, Peter.

“Peter Brady, you still might have saved your grade but Tijuana is not the capital of Honduras.”

“My bad, Mr. Price.”

“I’ll give you half credit for remembering that Bolivia has two capitals, La Paz and Sucre if you’ll try to remember that America did not sign over the Panama Canal to Aramco.”

“Gee, thanks, Mr. Price. Your wife looked good in that bikini at Mudlark Lake Resort last weekend. She’s fit and trim at 87 years old.”

 

Shout-out to Kathlynn Turner of Jeffersontown, Kentucky. I LOVED your sharing how your family members, Bill Davis and Levi Beauchamp, were truck drivers for several years and worked countless and thankless hours at their jobs so we could get the goods we wanted ASAP. They certainly kept the flow going for the finer things in life. Gang, they kept America moving. They are the unsung heroes that keep our economy STRONG. Without them, we wait DAYS for our favorite items to come, as in the past, Colonial or Cowboy period, take your pick. I salute you, Levi and Bill. You too, Kathlynn.

 

Gang, whaddup wit this quid pro quo stuff?

“Okay, Joe, then it’s settled. You can have my entire DVD collection of ‘Planet of the Apes’ including ‘The Battle of Armageddon Decimates Milford on the Planet of the Apes’ if you’ll kick for us.”

“Throw in Coach Thorp’s ‘Them!!!!!’, ‘Tarantula’, and ‘The Blob Swallows Milford’, and I’ll call it deal.”

” ‘fraid not. Coach says that was his collector’s items when he first started the strip and they’ve been in the heirloom for ages. His grandma watched them on her old Victrola.”

“How ’bout REM’s “The Footballs of Guatemala” to sweeten the pot?””

 

Milford & Oakwood train whistle introducing next song, accompanied by strtident guitar lick on Marty’s ukulele, just imagine the possibilities, Marty and Peter Buck in a guitar duel

 

Windout

Can you kick a ball

Windout

Does Kaz care at all

Windout

Should we return Gil’s call

Windout

Will you play this Fall

 

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

(Great guitar licks, Peter Buck, way to apply the pressure with your strings)

 

Oh, Mister Bolek

 

Should we doubt

That you’re done with film

Windout

That you’ll take the helm

Windout

The team won’t go to Hell

Windout

The strip stays put as well

 

Windout

Windout

Windout

WINDOUT

Punt Punt Punt Punt

 

I was tempted to call this plot “Dead Letter Office”. Nah, no sense in disgracing the group with a plot in a coma. Anyway

I’M GETTING TIRED OF THIS PLOT IN A CIRCUS TENT…Uncle Gil

Okay, Gil looks nowhere near like Uncle Ben, I can’t even imagine him on the rice box, it’s literally black and white,  but I’m taking poetic license here.

 

If ya think Fodor’s French in 10 Days is shoveling cow manure with mustard on the Streets of Milford within the same period of time and ya follow through by gettin’ shovel, pick-ax, trowel, cement mixer, and backhoe at Milford Rent-All, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

“No, Coach, I didn’t see the movie. I was getting back in shape. How’d it wind out?”

“You should have seen it!!!! A deaf, dumb, and blind kid kicks the pigskin straight through the wickets and the team wins the State. Then he dies of suffocation in the dog pile.”

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?

At the Milford Police Station

“Ugly rumor that it was Joe Bolek”

“Negative. He was seen by several eyewitnesses sneaking into Milford Adult Theater on Classic Porn Night to watch ‘Deep Throat’.”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers donning their helmets and shoulder pads

Waiting for their time to play, this is awfully, truly sad

3rd and 18 on the Mudlark 25, doubt they’ll get their chance

Stay warm in the meantime, executing the cha-cha dance

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the sideline

Gil and Kaz lacking clear direction or ANY guideline

Please get a clue

Please get a clue

 

And as long as I’m going to beat this one in the ground, Coach Kaz trying to imitate Gerard Depardieu(“Man, Kaz, you’ve got talent. I also liked your Donald Duck, James Brown, Homer Simpson, Slim Pickens, and Bozo imitations. You ought to audition at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club on Talent Night”), c’est la vie(French for “Gil prefers Charmin instead of Brawny when he’s situated in the Port-o-Let”) reminds me of my favorite group, Emerson, Lake, & Palmer who did a song with that title, off the album “Works”, a slightly ambitious production that got better with age, released back in 1977. But this is taking a turn for the worse.

“I’ll trade you my ‘Pictures at an Exhibition’, ‘Tarkus’, and ‘Emerson, Lake, & Palmer: Live at the Milford VFW Lodge’, and my collection of Greg Maddux cards if you’ll kick for the team and give me ‘Remember The Titans.’ I wanna see if Denzel Washington can teach me anything new.”

“Throw in that video of Keith Emerson spinning ’round and ’round on his organ while playing ‘Fanfare for the Common Man’ and a bunch of drunk navy veterans throwing Sterling cans at him in the VFW Lodge ball room, and I’m good.”

“Deal.”

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkkk, gang, to commemorate the TV clips you see get lopped off at the Milford Shell after you’re finished pumping your gas

 

“And Milford is gonna kick it. This is for the win. DeWindt, the holder, the Seven Chinese Brothers will be kicking against the wind, here’s the snap, THE KICK——-”

THANK YOU!!!!!!! CLERK HAS RECEIPT

 

“Peter, why are you late?”

“Sorry, Mr. Price, I went to the Milford Men’s Clinic for Teenagers and I OD’d a little on the stuff. I had a little bit of a hard time putting on my Levi’s. I was thinking about your wife and how much fun I was having mentally undressing her and that just added fuel to the fire. Her boobs really looked nice while jumping off the diving board.”

“Well, I must admit, your snow jobs are creative.”

“Thank you. She’s probably somebody’s baby tonight. And it was a toss-up between her and Bo Derek.

 

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to the travel agency and get “Fodor’s Milford on $10 a Day”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers shooting dice until it’s time

Finding out in vain that Gil’s acumen weighs but a dime

They almost went in, 3rd and 10 to kick the winning goal

Play was called back, refs blew foul, receiver flagged for a hold

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the bench

Seven Chinese Brothers had enough of this stench

Please let ’em play

Please let ’em play

 

August 1, 2018

Pokey’s Got A Great Short Game. And You Oughta See Prickle Putt

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:02 pm

 

 

 

Man o Man, Thorpiverse. Did you walk into this one. ANYTHING YOU WANT TO WORK ON? Where’d my laundry list go?

And is Gil going to be working with these PGA wannabes? Oh, THAT will be interesting. Is he going to be instructing his daughter at the same time?

“Keri, after you use that wood to drive down the fairway, would you make Daddy happy and go get that ball Wilson shanked in the woods? I’ll give you a Klondike bar at the clubhouse for every ball you find. I think it’s behind the lilac bush. Watch the hornets, honey. I think there’s a nest nearby in that catalpa tree.”

Who is Milford’s version of The Green Hornet and Kato? No wonder why the show didn’t last very long. And we only have one month, gang. If we’re microwaving this one, the brunt of this one should be around August 15ish. That’s about the only chance Heather has a chance to rise up a la Barnabas Collins and make the key adjustment that’ll wrap things up by August 31, assuming the football season starts on schedule in September. Assuming. But Flex-a-Plot has been implemented before.

“KEEP YOUR WRISTS STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S AUGUST 21ST AND FOOTBALL’S AROUND THE CORNER!!!!!!!! CAN YOU AT LEAST EXECUTE THE BALL DROP RIGHT FOR ONCE!!!!!!!!!!”

Easy, Heather. We can always push football to Monday nights with Frank, Howard, and Dandy Don.

 

And gang, many golf course clubhouses have only one floor. I’ve yet to run into too many skyscrapers around the greens. Did you ever see a golf course designed next to the Empire State Building or World Trade Center? Rest my case. So when Joe Jawor(JAW-er? JAH-wer? Juh-WAR? Short for a Punjabi surname, Eljarpradeshikhaghajaworbhupaltusharonamalil? Check the Milford White Pages on the last one) is talking with our August-replenishers about their golf game, I’m going to bet Gil’s coif they’re on the 1st floor. If they’re on the 2nd floor, no way puddles could be that humongous. Or maybe the window is one big magnifying glass. Yeah, that explains it.

And the angle is soooooooo ridiculous. Awright, Thorpiverse, I’ll buy the fact that Anderson Windows has a new line of enlargement windows, some being tested at the Milford Geodesic Dome designed by none other than R. Buckminster Fuller. But geez, am I to believe that the Milford Sewer Department elevated the sidewwalk for their monthly rat purging?

 

If ya install an Anderson Enlargement Creation in yore Chevy 4-wheeler because it gives ya an edge on yore buddies cuz it works better ‘n’ a scope on yore rifle when youse trackin’ down that 8-point buck in the woods, ya might be a redneck.

 

Then there’s the Gumby pants that Joe Gandhi is wearing in P3. Yup, Gumby has his own collection of Haggar slacks and if you watched closely, you could see his belt buckle and stitching, not to mention the plumber’s butt when he was talking or arguing or conferring or plotting with Pokey or lining up a putt. Gang, I don’t know about you but I am smelling FILLER big time.

“Hey, Gumby. Your fly is open.”

“Oh my! Thanks, Goo.”

 

GUMBY!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT GUMBY CAN DO TODAY

GUMBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE CAN PLAY WITH A FOURSOME AND MAKE ‘EM PAY

GUMBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE CAN WALK ONTO ANY COURSE WITH HIS PONY PAL POKEY TOOOOOO

IF YOU CAN MAKE PAR, THEN GUMBY WILL BET WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And Thorpiverse wants you to THINK those are puddles. But how do we know a couple of Mudlarks didn’t get gunned down in a drive-by shooting? Some people take their sports a little too seriously and a couple of names that got well-worn in the Milford Sports scene got phased out. Maybe that’s why we haven’t heard from Pete DeWindt or Hiawatha James in a while. I can hear that Tupac song now

 

How many Mudlarks fell victim to the streets

Helpless in this plot that crashed in all the heat

I’d be lyin’ if I told you that there’s any hope this month

Gang, we just play the hunch

 

And SINCE WHEN has Gil been in charge of the Junior Golf Program at the Milford Country Club? Who died and made him Jordan Spieth? The only Rorscharch association we have EVER made of Gil with golf is either his own game or the practice with his children. And, Joe and Gil, I hate to break it to you but unless Tony has been going to school on the Spaceship Enterprise learning Vulcan, HOW CAN HE BE WORKING ON HIS GRADES IF IT’S AUGUST 1ST AND SCHOOL IS STILL OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But keep practicing with your kids, Gil. We’ll look the other way on this one. Sure, Junior Golf Director. Has a nice ring to it. Good resume builder in case I decide to call back Powell College about that coaching job.

“You still need work on the umlauts before I can pass you and get you off the ship in time for that Tournament.”

 

“And Tony Paul sinks one for an eagle!!!!!!!!!! Those extra practices with Heather are paying off!!!!!!!! And we’ll take a break at this point. Tony is 1-under after 13 and still in the lead. And this is Marty Moon. You’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Oh, Rick, you sexy thing, let’s get it on!!!!!!!!!!” as Rick Scott’s wife reveals her bra and underwear. The song “I Believe in Miracles” by Hot Chocolate is blaring from the bedstead. Rick is caught off guard, reading the August issue of the Milford Medical Journal.

“Uh, Honey, this article is fascinating. It talks about the sciatic nerve being the link between Homo Erectus and the Neanderthal Man.”

I’d like somebody else to be Homo Erectus and it’s DEFINITELY not the Neanderthal Man.”

(Rick, buying time, looks at watch) “Oh my goodness. One of the baseball players called and said this plot needs a makeover. Plus, he needed his knee rebandaged from ACL surgery. I better go over to the Athletic Annex.”

“Rick, I really don’t know how to break this to you but it’s 1:00AM”

(Looks at watch) “I knew I should have never bought these Rolexes at the K-Mart Buy One Get One Free Clearance Special.”

“Rick, Rick, Rick, put away the magazine and let’s make a little magic.”

“Oh, darn, I need to go the Emergency Clinic. One of the football players hyperventilated and collapsed in Gil’s office. It was touch and go for a while.”

“Rick, does your wee-wee need to be taped up?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!! Don’t go near my medical bag!!!!!!!! I’m as hard as the coconuts on Gilligan’s Island!!!!!! I can jump on you just as soon as look at you!!!!!!!”

“Then jump.”

 

“And that was the problem. It was like jumping in the Milford Municipal Pool with the diving board missing. And the diving board was more pliable than me. But at Milford Men’s Clinic, they have treatment programs that make me an Olympic Champion. What are you waiting for? GO FOR THE GOLD!!!!!!!!!! And jump right in!!!!!!!!!”

 

Oops! Gang, I forgot to mention a plug I would like to make for Donut Frenzy in Georgetown, Indiana(a few minutes up the hill from New Albany, Indiana). They are just starting out and they made an excellent impression with me. Long Johns, cream-filled pastries, glazed donuts, and several other varieties made it hard to choose the ones I wanted to chow down on(a pleasant problem INDEED). I wasn’t disappointed, munchin’ on several going home, then cleaning out the box at home. Gang, if you’re in the area, check ’em out. Support small businesses in America. They’re what MAKE America.

 

Fire away, gang. I’m still perplexed how anyone could have a tutor on the fairway. I’ve heard of student-athlete but that’s stretching things a bit too far.

 

Barry, Krogering at the Milford Kroger Filling Station

“Whattya mean cash or credit card only? I can’t use my WIC card????? I’m penniless since my dad went to the can.”

July 10, 2018

Eyesight for the Belligerent

Filed under: huge earrings, Milford Idiots, song parody, What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 1:08 pm

071018

Captain Gilbert didn’t come home

His unborn child will never know him

He’s believed to be missing with a couple of men

They planted 8 bombs inside the gymmmmmmm

 

It’s a boy, Mrs. Gilbert

It’s a boy

 

It’s a boy, Mrs. Gilbert

It’s a boy

 

Hear the joyful celebration in the street

It’s a boy the day we won the Final Heat

 

And gang, I think you know where I’m going with this. After watching “Barry: The Musical” and still thinking Daffy is still Queen of Sleaze, what was Barry expecting? To clear his name up IN THE MILFORD ENQUIRER?????? No, Daffy, I did not get on that UFO with Elvis. I was down at the Milford Moose Lodge with The King seeing if he could revive his career at the Annual Chili Cook-Off and Raffle Ticket Night. Man, some lucky cat was going to have the time of his or her life listening to “Don’t Be Cruel”, “Heartbreak Hotel” and “Suspicious Minds” and drive away in a brand new Cadillac, courtesy of Milford Motors. But no, your story killed his career. Thanks for nothing.

Then there’s Ms. Rizk. Aside from going back to the Granny from Beverly Hillbillies look, she’s gone from calling things straight down the middle to being Ebenezer Scrooge. The Baders are asking for mercy after you sent them through the meat grinder? Humbug! Serves them right!!!! I’m going to call the deputy sheriff and foreclose their house anyway. We’re going to turn it into the Milford High School Journalism Annex by the end of the year!!!!!!

I would like to give a shoutout to Heather Sanders in Louisville, Kentucky.  She may be confined to a wheelchair but her humor isn’t. She is VERY funny and keeps me going with her edgy wit and on-point insight. She makes my job easier and I have promised her that I will do EVERYTHING I can to get her in the next movie my dad does (my dad being a part-time actor). Heather, I intend to keep that promise. Right now, you are shining pretty bright because you deserve a moment in the spotlight. Keep the funny bone pipeline going because, well. YOU’RE FUNNY. YOU ROCK, My Friend.

 

Marty: Gotta feeling ’17 is gonna be a good year

Baseball season’s done and we can putt forever

Mimi: I had no reason to be overoptimistic

But with your 3-handicap, it’s a great endeavor

 

Captain Gilbert, smelly gym towel over the left side of his burned face, after a hard-fought overtime victory over Death, sees Marty and Mimi in bed.

Marty wakes up. Grabbing the 2014 trophy off Mimi’s makeup table, he wacks Captain Gilbert on the right side of the face, careful not to ruin the perm Captain Gilbert has sported for 60 years.

Barry, fresh from sneaking a sip of Cherry 7-Up out of the fridge, wiping the top so that nobody’ll get germs, steps in just as his father’s hair morphs into Hendrix from “Band of Gypsies”.

WHAT ABOUT THE BOY

WHAT ABOUT THE BOY

WHAT ABOUT THE BOY

HE SAW IT ALL

 

You didn’t see it

You didn’t hear it

Not a word of it

Not a sight of it

You’re gonna turn into a jerk

WITHOUT ANY PROOF

 

Now he’s deaf

Now he’s dumb

Now he’s a jerk

The guilty are safe

But always accused

By his asshole ways

 

What’s with this Betty Crocker motivational tool? I can see the commercial.

“Yes, what better way to preclude your friend from using a toilet plunger on a person’s reputation than to discuss the matter over buttermilk scones and tea? Mmm, mmm, and those sourdough biscuits buttered with Blue Bonnet on it tastes better than the stuff you have to swallow about your husband, coming from an amateur Ida Tarbell? Mrs. Olson should be coming in anytime and discussing Mr. Olson and Mr. Whipple (apparently they’re squeezing more than Charmin) having an affair with each other. Yes, Daffy, they’re coming out of the closet so have paper and Paper-Mate ready. After you’ve eaten your 10th sourdough, naturally. Set ’em at 350 and the gossip too and forget it. That’s the Betty Crocker way (“Cooking with Pam” theme whistling in the background)!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“Can’t you see the Christmas lights and all the toys that are so wonderfully enlightening

The Nike shoes, the bats, the balls, I swear it gets to be so terribly frightening

And Barry doesn’t know what day it is

He’s such a jerk, he doesn’t know who Jesus is

HOW CAN HE BE SAVED

FROM LOSING SECOND BASE

 

BARRY, CAN YOU HEAR ME??????? as Mimi whacks Barry with a bat.

 

And has anyone seen Ms. Rizk ANYWHERE but the Journalism room? We assume she takes potty breaks. We assume. And we assume she’s typing, or editing the school newspaper. All this time she’s been typing billet-doux’s to Luhm and  he’s cramming them into his locker at night? Anyway, I haven’t seen her down at the Milford Burger King ordering a Double Beef Whopper and unsalted fries. Or at a car show at the Milford Civic Center parking lot. Still glued to the chair along with Chris Elliott’s parents on “Get a Life”, I see. At least she isn’t in her bathrobe.

Gang, I realize Tommy is overshadowing Daffy today. She will have her day in court. Right now, I’m wagering nobody’s going to put up much resistance to the “DIE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU MISGUIDED PUPPET” approach, long-overdue at that, to Barry Bader. I’m wagering. I only make so much in my paycheck, gang, after taxes.

 

Barry, can you hear me?

Can you feel me near you?

Barry, can you see me?

Can I help to cheer you?

Ohhhhhh, Barry, Barry, Barry…

 

He seems to be completely unreceptive

The love I gave him makes no sense at all

Dale Carnegie is not in his demeanor

He pukes at Albert Schweitzer’s love and calllllll

 

SEE ME

FEEL ME

PLAY ME

ADORE ME

 

SEE ME

FEEL ME

LICK ME

WORSHIP ME

 

There is no chance, no untried operation

All hope lies with him and none with me

Imagine though the shock from isolation

When he suddenly owns up to reality.

 

At the Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club, Mimi Thorp answers the sign out front that says “Taking applications. Must be 18 or older.” Figuring she still has time before the Playdowns start in August(they’re just doing a light workout today anyway plus some bunting drills), she swings the SUV into the place. Just because they play softball on the 4th of July  doesn’t mean they pay time and a half so Mimi is always up for the extra income.

“Next.”

Mimi Thorp follows the secretary to Al DeWindt’s office. He’s the Personnel Manager.

Al peruses the application. He eyes the “Reason for Leaving” section and notices that she left it blank for her employment at Milford Burger King.

“Why did you quit Burger King?”

Mimi really doesn’t know how to lie. So she confesses.

“I was 16 years old at the time and I told the manager I knew how to make a Whopper. I wanted to impress my friends so I had at it. I slapped on Mel Purnell’s Whole Hog Hot ‘n’ Spicy Sausage patties instead of ground beef because I wasn’t paying attention, then I put the wrong pickles on the sandwich, I should have used Vlasic, plus I spread too much Hellman’s, I used a paintbrush instead of a spatula, then the lettuce was too brown and it was wilting like my husband’s wim-wim, and I stuck a slice of Swiss cheese because I swear to God I couldn’t find American even though the manager insisted they were behind the ice machine and when a few customers complained to the-”

“Ooooooooookkkkkkkk,” convinced that her crime has reached the statute of limitations, having 33 more applicants to interview, “Mrs. Thorp, you don’t have any problem showing your tits?”

“I used to tell my girls on the basketball team to give 110% effort, no matter what the scoreboard says. If that’s the job description, I will let it all hang out and dive for loose balls with everything I’ve got. I’ll have a lot of floor burns on me at the end of the night.”

DeWindt writes “very mature” on the check-off list. He adds “could be performing Christmas show with the 2 ex-Rockettes.”

“Are you willing to work overtime? Sometimes the New Thayer Moose Lodge holds their annual convention over at the Milford Ramada and a few of ’em head our way. They can get a little rowdy.”

“No rowdier than that crowd at Tilden. A lot of people were throwing coins, chewing gum, program ads, and candy bar wrappers at our girls but when we beat them in triple overtime, we got our revenge. Plus, Gil is hiring on as a bouncer so I don’t foresee any problems.”

“You do know we’re Union? Milford AFL-CIO Local 808? You have a problem with that?”

“I don’t see why I would. Unions have a Right to Peaceful Assembly according to The Constitution. I don’t mind gettin’ it on next to the Union steward on stage. We will show our boobs as a sign of solidarity.”

DeWindt writes down “Could be possible problem at the bargaining table but not a rabble-rouser”.

“Mrs. Thorp, we’ll start you out at $11.00/hour and give you a 50 cent raise after 30 days. The $500 signing bonus will be broken down into $250 apiece with the 1st installment paid out after 60 days and the remainder paid out after your probationary status ends after 90 days.”

“Are taxes taken out?”

“Yup, Uncle Sam gouges even us strip joints. BTW, can you fit into 9-foot boots, staple jewelry on your boobs and shake that thang? We do ‘Pinball Wizard’ every weekend and the last dancer injured her tits when she accidentally grazed them on a strobe light on the ceiling.”

“SURE”, trying to be an eager beaver. Do everything they tell you. That’s how you move up the corporate ladder. “I have some 9-foot heels I wore at my high school prom. I’m pretty sure they’re out in the garage.”

“Super!!!!!” as DeWindt is trying to hide his curiosity where she got 9-foot heels, let alone why she wore them.

“Well, that’s all the questions I have for now. I will learn everything there is to know about the company.”

“You got the right attitude. All right, be here tomorrow morning in the Training Room at 7:00AM sharp with your photo ID for your name badge and your Social Security Card. Also, bring a red pen so that you can learn how to fill out time sheets. We do EVERYTHING in red.”

 

BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME

CAN I HELP TO CHEER YOU

BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME

CAN YOU SEE ME NEAR YOU

OOOOOO, BARRY, BARRY, BARRY as Barry is escorted by Gil the Bouncer after the former wandered into the Club, thinking the ball diamond was on the same latitude. A jerk has a tendency to get his horse latitudes confused(with apologies to The Doors).

 

“OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH, BA-BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE AND IT’S ALL FOR YOU

NOW COME ON DOWN AND DO WHAT YA GOT TA DO

 

NO!!!! NO!!!!! DON’T LEAVE ME THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON’T LEAVE ME THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

NO!!!!!!!!!! DON’T LEAVE ME THIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Doris, can I speak to you for a moment? I want to file a grievance. They’re having the dancers low on the Seniority List doing the Midnight Show.”

 

Daffy runs towards the spaceship set to leave Milford Int’l Airport.

“COACH KAZ!!!!!!!! COACH KAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T GET ON THAT SHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT ‘M’ ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN IN THE JOURNALISM ROOM!!!!!!!!! IT MEANS  ‘COOKBOOK’ IN KANAMITESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And Ms. Rizk reveals herself as one of the Kanamits, deftly handling the stilts and the sleeping gas on Kaz, the same sleeping gas that was used on Batman and Robin, indicating that Part One was about to end (The Joker: “How’d I wind up in the Gotham City Correctional Institute? My gang put enough nerve gas on the Dynamic Duo to bring the Statue of Liberty to its knees.”). Coach Kaz is dragged in the ship and the door is sealed and the vehicle heads 29 light-years into outer space, with a potty break on Deneb and lunch at Stuckey’s on Lyra.

“GODDAMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEAT LOAF AGAIN??????????? THAT’S THE 7TH STRAIGHT DAY I’VE HAD THE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND DOESN’T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO DUMP CHEESE INTO KRAFT GARLIC MAC ‘N’ CHEESE?????????????????” as Coach Kaz throws the dinner to the floor in a cubicle roughly equal to the size of Papa Bader’s living quarters.

A 10-foot Kanamit walks in, straight from his game in the 12-foot-and-Under League. picking up dumped merchandise “Coach Kaz, Coach Kaz, PLEASE, there’s no reason for these needless tantrums. We can get the chef to switch to chicken cordon bleu and baked lasagna with tortellini.”

“And can they make Nestea instead of that swill they brew out of the canister in Milford’s cafeteria?

“I don’t see why not.”

“With Nutrasweet?”

“Of course.”

Consider for your speculation a one Coach Kaz, about to be somebody else’s Peanut Buster Parfait at the Kanamit DQ but enjoying The Good Life in his dying days. The parmesan cheese on his steam-fried London broiled steak and vegetables will expunge his fear of being Blizzard Flavor of the Month, Oreo Blizzard, may we add, at the same DQ drive-thru. Tonight’s bill of fare in…The Twilight Zone.

 

Comment away,gang. I’m going to catch the late show at the Go-Go Club. Mimi ought to be entertaining, certainly more than this plot.

 

I’M THE GYPSY

I’M THE ACID QUEEN

I’M GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOUR

BOY A JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Mimi, you really went to town tonight. I liked how your wedding band bounced so lively between your breasts. And all those beads around your neck.”

“Thanks, Gil. So I heard you had to throw out Mr. Dr. Pearl?”

May 11, 2018

Eleven Sharks a-Whiffin

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Gil Thorp, google nonsense — nedryerson @ 6:24 am

051118

Here it is folks, actual action! Pete DeWindt is the offensive standout, but it’s a safe bet that he will stay in the shadows. The first panel looks to be one of the 2 driven in by Pete and not Pete himself. Poor Pete.

Ryan Van Auken seems to be in command, but Gil is ready to test out Jay Bhatia’s arm. Is high school ball typically a 9 inning game or is it shortened? Seems like something I should know by now.

Let’s talk a little bit about the May River Sharks.

They have a sweet logo:

 mrsh

Also, they play games in this lovely setting:

That dense stand of tall pines makes a gorgeous backdrop for baseball. I hope the Mudlarks enjoy their sojourn in beautiful South Carolina.

Eta: I didn’t watch that video all the way to the end when I posted it. Now that I have, I keep watching the last 5 seconds over and over and trying to figure out how that ump manages to stride right into the path of the Shark baserunner. Maybe he too was distracted by those trees.

May 10, 2018

You’re Out of Order, Bader!

gt05102018

The Mets got busted for batting out of order yesterday and the Twittersphere had fun with it.

Screenshot-2018-5-10 Dyllmonger on Twitter

What’s Gil’s excuse? His lineup card reads 1-2-x-x-6-7-8-9-10. Let’s zoom in on it:

510lineupcard

Most of these guys are Milford’s usual suspects:

1. Mike Filion was the Mudlark’s undersized QB last fall

2. Barry Bader, well, you know him. Still showing zero signs of maturation

x. Andre Ruffin knows how to host a party

x. Pete DeWindt has been here since, like, forever

6. The same could be said for Paul Beaudry

7. Pelwecki has long worn out his welcome. His Rosie the Riveter pose pales in comparison to Lucky Haskins’ but he’s feeling it*

8. Jorge Padilla, like his MLB namesake, is an outfielder (or some new position, CH). We’ll find out if that skinny kid can jump and rob hitters of homers

9. We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? Lazy!

10. Larry Arroyo was introduced to us as a non-Pelwecki sub for Barry Bader but now he’s a pitcher third baseman – that is, if he’s the same guy

May River has to be a long ride from Milford; maybe that’s why Gil’s lineup card is so wonky. Bluffton (home of May River High) has become known in recent years as an affordable alternative to nearby Beaufort and Charleston for Yankee retirees. Maybe Mr. Bakst or some other Milfordians have moved there and will form a home away from home crowd for the Mudlarks. Play ball!

*Note Pelwecki is written in at DH, but no pitcher is named; Arroyo, batting last, is at 3B (oops – teenchy)

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.