This Week in Milford

December 5, 2018

But Did Milford Beat Tilden?

Remember football?

Pepperidge Farm remembers

But Milford doesn’t

 

“VT P-U”? Is

Valley Tech playing Dover

Boys from Pimento?

 

Rough year for Techies

Old Dominion beat VT

Now it’s Milford’s turn

 

Milford not used to

Being number one for a while

Sign guy broke his wrist

 

Hiawatha James

Remember him from baseball?

Great name but no lines

 

Know what else is an

Uncharacteristic romp?

No Jansen and no Bolek

 

Also no cheap shots

Express or implied

Where’s the burial?

 

 

metapost: Trying to learn to use the new WordPress Gutenberg editor on the fly.  Hope this doesn’t look too wonky.

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August 1, 2018

Pokey’s Got A Great Short Game. And You Oughta See Prickle Putt

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:02 pm

 

 

 

Man o Man, Thorpiverse. Did you walk into this one. ANYTHING YOU WANT TO WORK ON? Where’d my laundry list go?

And is Gil going to be working with these PGA wannabes? Oh, THAT will be interesting. Is he going to be instructing his daughter at the same time?

“Keri, after you use that wood to drive down the fairway, would you make Daddy happy and go get that ball Wilson shanked in the woods? I’ll give you a Klondike bar at the clubhouse for every ball you find. I think it’s behind the lilac bush. Watch the hornets, honey. I think there’s a nest nearby in that catalpa tree.”

Who is Milford’s version of The Green Hornet and Kato? No wonder why the show didn’t last very long. And we only have one month, gang. If we’re microwaving this one, the brunt of this one should be around August 15ish. That’s about the only chance Heather has a chance to rise up a la Barnabas Collins and make the key adjustment that’ll wrap things up by August 31, assuming the football season starts on schedule in September. Assuming. But Flex-a-Plot has been implemented before.

“KEEP YOUR WRISTS STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S AUGUST 21ST AND FOOTBALL’S AROUND THE CORNER!!!!!!!! CAN YOU AT LEAST EXECUTE THE BALL DROP RIGHT FOR ONCE!!!!!!!!!!”

Easy, Heather. We can always push football to Monday nights with Frank, Howard, and Dandy Don.

 

And gang, many golf course clubhouses have only one floor. I’ve yet to run into too many skyscrapers around the greens. Did you ever see a golf course designed next to the Empire State Building or World Trade Center? Rest my case. So when Joe Jawor(JAW-er? JAH-wer? Juh-WAR? Short for a Punjabi surname, Eljarpradeshikhaghajaworbhupaltusharonamalil? Check the Milford White Pages on the last one) is talking with our August-replenishers about their golf game, I’m going to bet Gil’s coif they’re on the 1st floor. If they’re on the 2nd floor, no way puddles could be that humongous. Or maybe the window is one big magnifying glass. Yeah, that explains it.

And the angle is soooooooo ridiculous. Awright, Thorpiverse, I’ll buy the fact that Anderson Windows has a new line of enlargement windows, some being tested at the Milford Geodesic Dome designed by none other than R. Buckminster Fuller. But geez, am I to believe that the Milford Sewer Department elevated the sidewwalk for their monthly rat purging?

 

If ya install an Anderson Enlargement Creation in yore Chevy 4-wheeler because it gives ya an edge on yore buddies cuz it works better ‘n’ a scope on yore rifle when youse trackin’ down that 8-point buck in the woods, ya might be a redneck.

 

Then there’s the Gumby pants that Joe Gandhi is wearing in P3. Yup, Gumby has his own collection of Haggar slacks and if you watched closely, you could see his belt buckle and stitching, not to mention the plumber’s butt when he was talking or arguing or conferring or plotting with Pokey or lining up a putt. Gang, I don’t know about you but I am smelling FILLER big time.

“Hey, Gumby. Your fly is open.”

“Oh my! Thanks, Goo.”

 

GUMBY!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT GUMBY CAN DO TODAY

GUMBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE CAN PLAY WITH A FOURSOME AND MAKE ‘EM PAY

GUMBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE CAN WALK ONTO ANY COURSE WITH HIS PONY PAL POKEY TOOOOOO

IF YOU CAN MAKE PAR, THEN GUMBY WILL BET WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And Thorpiverse wants you to THINK those are puddles. But how do we know a couple of Mudlarks didn’t get gunned down in a drive-by shooting? Some people take their sports a little too seriously and a couple of names that got well-worn in the Milford Sports scene got phased out. Maybe that’s why we haven’t heard from Pete DeWindt or Hiawatha James in a while. I can hear that Tupac song now

 

How many Mudlarks fell victim to the streets

Helpless in this plot that crashed in all the heat

I’d be lyin’ if I told you that there’s any hope this month

Gang, we just play the hunch

 

And SINCE WHEN has Gil been in charge of the Junior Golf Program at the Milford Country Club? Who died and made him Jordan Spieth? The only Rorscharch association we have EVER made of Gil with golf is either his own game or the practice with his children. And, Joe and Gil, I hate to break it to you but unless Tony has been going to school on the Spaceship Enterprise learning Vulcan, HOW CAN HE BE WORKING ON HIS GRADES IF IT’S AUGUST 1ST AND SCHOOL IS STILL OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But keep practicing with your kids, Gil. We’ll look the other way on this one. Sure, Junior Golf Director. Has a nice ring to it. Good resume builder in case I decide to call back Powell College about that coaching job.

“You still need work on the umlauts before I can pass you and get you off the ship in time for that Tournament.”

 

“And Tony Paul sinks one for an eagle!!!!!!!!!! Those extra practices with Heather are paying off!!!!!!!! And we’ll take a break at this point. Tony is 1-under after 13 and still in the lead. And this is Marty Moon. You’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Oh, Rick, you sexy thing, let’s get it on!!!!!!!!!!” as Rick Scott’s wife reveals her bra and underwear. The song “I Believe in Miracles” by Hot Chocolate is blaring from the bedstead. Rick is caught off guard, reading the August issue of the Milford Medical Journal.

“Uh, Honey, this article is fascinating. It talks about the sciatic nerve being the link between Homo Erectus and the Neanderthal Man.”

I’d like somebody else to be Homo Erectus and it’s DEFINITELY not the Neanderthal Man.”

(Rick, buying time, looks at watch) “Oh my goodness. One of the baseball players called and said this plot needs a makeover. Plus, he needed his knee rebandaged from ACL surgery. I better go over to the Athletic Annex.”

“Rick, I really don’t know how to break this to you but it’s 1:00AM”

(Looks at watch) “I knew I should have never bought these Rolexes at the K-Mart Buy One Get One Free Clearance Special.”

“Rick, Rick, Rick, put away the magazine and let’s make a little magic.”

“Oh, darn, I need to go the Emergency Clinic. One of the football players hyperventilated and collapsed in Gil’s office. It was touch and go for a while.”

“Rick, does your wee-wee need to be taped up?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!! Don’t go near my medical bag!!!!!!!! I’m as hard as the coconuts on Gilligan’s Island!!!!!! I can jump on you just as soon as look at you!!!!!!!”

“Then jump.”

 

“And that was the problem. It was like jumping in the Milford Municipal Pool with the diving board missing. And the diving board was more pliable than me. But at Milford Men’s Clinic, they have treatment programs that make me an Olympic Champion. What are you waiting for? GO FOR THE GOLD!!!!!!!!!! And jump right in!!!!!!!!!”

 

Oops! Gang, I forgot to mention a plug I would like to make for Donut Frenzy in Georgetown, Indiana(a few minutes up the hill from New Albany, Indiana). They are just starting out and they made an excellent impression with me. Long Johns, cream-filled pastries, glazed donuts, and several other varieties made it hard to choose the ones I wanted to chow down on(a pleasant problem INDEED). I wasn’t disappointed, munchin’ on several going home, then cleaning out the box at home. Gang, if you’re in the area, check ’em out. Support small businesses in America. They’re what MAKE America.

 

Fire away, gang. I’m still perplexed how anyone could have a tutor on the fairway. I’ve heard of student-athlete but that’s stretching things a bit too far.

 

Barry, Krogering at the Milford Kroger Filling Station

“Whattya mean cash or credit card only? I can’t use my WIC card????? I’m penniless since my dad went to the can.”

May 10, 2018

You’re Out of Order, Bader!

gt05102018

The Mets got busted for batting out of order yesterday and the Twittersphere had fun with it.

Screenshot-2018-5-10 Dyllmonger on Twitter

What’s Gil’s excuse? His lineup card reads 1-2-x-x-6-7-8-9-10. Let’s zoom in on it:

510lineupcard

Most of these guys are Milford’s usual suspects:

1. Mike Filion was the Mudlark’s undersized QB last fall

2. Barry Bader, well, you know him. Still showing zero signs of maturation

x. Andre Ruffin knows how to host a party

x. Pete DeWindt has been here since, like, forever

6. The same could be said for Paul Beaudry

7. Pelwecki has long worn out his welcome. His Rosie the Riveter pose pales in comparison to Lucky Haskins’ but he’s feeling it*

8. Jorge Padilla, like his MLB namesake, is an outfielder (or some new position, CH). We’ll find out if that skinny kid can jump and rob hitters of homers

9. We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? Lazy!

10. Larry Arroyo was introduced to us as a non-Pelwecki sub for Barry Bader but now he’s a pitcher third baseman – that is, if he’s the same guy

May River has to be a long ride from Milford; maybe that’s why Gil’s lineup card is so wonky. Bluffton (home of May River High) has become known in recent years as an affordable alternative to nearby Beaufort and Charleston for Yankee retirees. Maybe Mr. Bakst or some other Milfordians have moved there and will form a home away from home crowd for the Mudlarks. Play ball!

*Note Pelwecki is written in at DH, but no pitcher is named; Arroyo, batting last, is at 3B (oops – teenchy)

May 8, 2018

Give me 40 acres and I’ll turn this plot around

gt05082018

She’s back!!!!! Marjie Ducie is back to prime the pump then, like any catalyst, disappears into thin air while the final product sputters to the finish line. Well this time, she learned some valuable pitching lessons that she can take back to her other dimension. Really, once she reaches the end of the Time Tunnel, she can race over to Yankee Stadium (hey, they love baseball in other dimensions too) and ply her trade. Yup, that changeup oughta complement her cut fastball, curve, and forkball. Keep ’em offstride, Marjie. Be sure those Ultra-dimension batters won’t know what’s comin’ next. Because once they got you timed, they start hittin’ ’em back in Gil’s World. Wise to add another pitch to your repertoire.

And I took algebra in high school. I barely remember the Transitive Property but still, who says you won’t need this stuff in real life? Without my caring teacher patiently explaining this principle, it’d be days before I’d put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5′ 8″. No wild guesses needed. I could patiently work through the problem and apply it to a real life scenario (hmmm, this is Thorpiverse, oh, just work with me). Thanks, Teach!!!!! You’ve equipped me to slay the dragons.

And what the hell does height differential have to do with what Pitch is being thrown which I wouldn’t be terribly surprised Thorpiverse is implying? Sure, impress us with your baseball knowledge, Thorpiverse, and hope to God we don’t put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5’8″ that it’s all smoke and mirrors. Okay, Gil, I’ll concede Mudlark Baseball is in real trouble if Van Auken attempts to pitch a knuckleball to a catcher who’s 3’5″. Passed balls all game long because this catcher had no vertical leap and Oakwood is up, 10-0, before the crow flies. So go ahead and wow us with height differential, Gil. Even if it really has nothing to do with your discussing the battery, we’ll play along. CYA, Coach.

Anyway, I’ve got some Dave Dudley on tap while Gil and Marjie sit at the bleachers going over late-game situations.

Ridin’ on this plotline

Trapped in a hamster’s cage

I feel like Dennis Weaver

Chased down by a psycho’s rage

Wish I could shake that truck right

Down the cliff and out of sight

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna go berserk tonight

BTW, I realize, by my count, 6 months from now leads into November. 6 weeks might have been more realistic. But by the end of June, this plot is over(don’t hold your breath) and we have filler space to fill with what? More Marty time at the Milford Lounge? Nah, drag this one out ad astra and hope for the best. Maybe something’ll kick in and make sense and we’ll get off this Wheel and reach Nirvana. We’ll have overlapped to football by then.

Gang, I don’t know WHAT I did to deserve this. Do I need to change religions? Was it because I slept in and missed Sunday School last week? Put S & H Green Stamps in the offering plate? Used the F-word in the Benediction Prayer? Well, I’ll admit the last one probably explains why I’m hopelessly riding in this semi, not knowing who the driver is, the Hand of Fate having drawn a curtain between me and whoever’s behind the steering wheel. I’m stuck in this Freightliner headin’ down this endless black ribbon and I have no clue where the heck it’s going. And to add insult to injury, we’re recycling characters from the past (Moose, Daffy Duck, BB) as if regurgitating them will improve the product, or the plot. Oh, that’s right, dig that lamp you threw out on Trash Day from the Milford City Dump, take it home, put in the den, plug it in and see if it’ll help you read when you’re scoping the racing forms in order to bet on the winning horse. Kentucky Derby was founded on said principles.

Nice view of the Rocky Mountains, if nothing else. Is that Pike’s Peak?

Comin’ into Milford

Steering this plot into HellThe trailer’s runnin’ empty

And Daffy Duck’s not writing so well

The story’s bad and nobody cares

The Trumpet’s gettin’ itchy and scared

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna lose my mind tonight

Here I am at the Milford Truck Stop. I heard the 3-Piece Fried Chicken Special is to die for. You get 2 breasts and a wing plus 2 sides and you don’t gotta worry about your Visa card maxing out. Omigod, Jay Bhatia wouldn’t show up at a greasy spoon and report my credit woes to The Trumpet, would he? Would he stoop that low? I did call the Milford Credit Bureau and got a forbearance for a couple of months, so there, Jay, print that in The Trumpet and smoke it. Anyway, drinks are extra. And I think I’ll have the breaded okra and macaroni & cheese. By God, breaded okra will put hair on your chest and help you swing the bat better. And all that grease from the chicken breasts? I think Moose applied a healthy dose to his hair. Otherwise, the rest was donated to the Milford Pantry.

Jay’s pumpin’ information

Trying to get the scoop of his life

Thank God he never caught wind

That Gil was cheatin’ on his wife

Hold the door and let this thing fly

Kiss off Barry Bader goodbye

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna pull my hair tonight

Gang, since Marty’s been suspended, SOMEBODY has to take his place. I’ve been watching the Mudlarks on the portable TV in the cab while gettin’ my kicks on Route 66. I just heard Hawk Harrelson the other day:

“Daffy Duck, SHE GONE!!!!!!!! And after 6 innings, the  White Sox lead the Mudlarks, 7-1. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Chicago White Sox Baseball on WGN.”

“Coach Thorp was in disarray as to what diamond ring to buy Mimi before he got married. He was caught in the black market and all he got for his efforts was a swirlie. I was helpless to bail him out. Hi, I’m Sid Andrews, owner of the Milford Diamond Company. If my last name sounds familiar, yes, my brother is Tod Andrews, now coaching all the Oakwood teams, including the rowing team. And let me row you into something that will last a lifetime, a diamond with all the bells and whistles that tells that Special Someone “It’s forever, Love”. When I saw Gil trying to exchange his Marine Discharge Papers for a wedding ring at the Milford Pawn Shop, I threw him a lifeline and got him out to the shopping center parking lot. We put the Discharge Papers under the seat cushion in his car. Thank our lucky stars his Papers were not authorized by a Notary Public or the sale would be final and Gil would be stuck with a stone that got excavated out of Shaft #2 at the Milford Mines. Coal does not bode well at the wedding ceremony. “With this ring…” takes on an entirely different meaning. Fortunately, I showed Gil a wide selection of hand-crafted, sparkling diamonds in many carats and visual claritys, all designed to stay within a teacher-coach’s salary. The friendly staff at Milford Diamond Company knew that Gil hasn’t had a real job in 60 years and odds are, probably never will. Our staff was OK with that. Because they are not working on a commission, they didn’t have to tell Coach Thorp to get a life. A .29 carat, S12 visual clarity diamond ring was shipped FedEx right at Gil’s doorstep, several days before the wedding. Gil did not have to take out another loan and strain his credit plus his Discharge Papers are back in the safe deposit box at Milford Federal. We even paid for the shipping. Everybody was happy.

The Milford Diamond Company. Now Gil has a friend in the diamond business.”

We’re tryin’ to dodge the smokies

Marty’s learning on the job

No Class A license with him

My heart is really starting to throb

He took out an oil tanker rig

Can’t wait till he goes back to ‘DIG

6 days of Marty Moon

and I’m-a doubtin’ I’ll be home tonight

“Harrrrry Carrray, back in Wrigley Field, where the Cubsh are clinging to a 4-3 lead over the Mudlarksh, top of the 8th inning. Here’s Hiawatha Jamesh, the casher, who’s batting .319. Boy, keep thish cookie off the bashes. Say hello to Fred and Marge who are lishining in on KRNT in Des Moines, Iowa, lifelong Cubsh fansh for 35 yearsh. Theresh a pitch, high and away, 1-0.”

“Harry, an interesting stat on Hiawatha James, he hits left-handers a ton, batting .453, and .410 in the daytime. Steve Trout needs to be careful here, Hiawatha can turn on a pitch and with that wind blowing out, he can certainly send one out to Waveland Avenue in a hurry.”

“Boy, Steve, at least Marty didn’t have problemsh with cigar shmoke. Can you put that thing in your pocket? Only the plot shmellsh worsh.”

“Harry, you’re up to your 8th Bud now. How you can smell ANYTHING, let alone this plot, is beyond my comprehension.”

I’d like to put in a word for The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. Great people who keep my humor going because I buy a lot of books from them and those books feed me comedy ideas. Being a Western buff, they have an excellent selection of Louis L’Amour works. Hey, That keeps ME coming back for more. If you’re in the neighborhood, check them out. Believe me, it’s great to get some great stuff and people know your name. I’ve been a fan of small businesses forever because, let’s face it, gang, they make the Face of America. The Bookworm is certainly part of that Face.

Okay, gang, it’s your turn. I’m riding into St. Louis where the semi will stop at a terminal and unload this plot. That’ll take forever so I’m here in the Gateway Arch. I’ll be down the chute in about, oh, 3-4 hours if anything interesting develops. Uhhhhh, er, Busch Stadium looks terrific from here.

Arriving in St. Louis

Wishing for this thing to end

Things are getting hopeless

Nothing comin’ ’round the bend

Baseball plot is fixin’ to start

Hope it don’t stink up and fart

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna jump the bridge tonight

Gang, are you in for a treat!!!!! With MAJOR help from timbuys, I just made this post even cheaper and gaudier with this video. Now the music buff in me, I will confess, likes the song and its singer, Dave Dudley. But if we’re burning this plot at the stake, I couldn’t think of a more honky-tonk tune to aid and abet in the cause. This plot’ll be reduced to ashes by midnight tonight, thanks to Mr. Dudley and his crew(gaunt-sounding background singers thrown in for free). And if you look closely, the ghostly looking tanker that was chasing Dennis Weaver all over Milford in the movie “Duel”(I believe Steven Spielberg’s 1st flick) is in this video. You guys have SKEWERED Coach T. and Co. all day. You deserve to be rewarded. Enjoy!!!!

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