This Week in Milford

June 19, 2019

Is Tanking in the Playdowns TCFS?

Filed under: actual action, anatomically implausible, exposition comics, Gil Thorp — teenchy @ 6:25 am

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Friday is the first day of summer in the Northern Hemisphere, so Rubin has four days to wrap this stinker up. How best to do it? By having the Lady Mudlarks lose in the opening round of the playdowns to a supposedly inferior opponent, apparently. That Black Sox analogy from a couple of weeks ago doesn’t seem so far off now.

The Milford ladies’ undoing begins in the form of a botched double play, or at least it looks like a botched double play. We have to assume that Linda threw the ball on to Carla, otherwise how would Carla muff a flip to Linda? I guess it’s better to muff a throw than to throw a, uh, never mind.

It’s been so long since Whigham has had to draw actual action that it seems he’s forgotten the finer points. For instance, when Molly’s that far into her release, shouldn’t the ball be much farther away from her? Having a player flex on an opponent’s error is bad form, too. If #7 comes back up to bat again, she should get one thrown behind her ear, just sayin’.

No matter. The die has been cast and Gil is mixing up the Long Island iced tea pitcher on the deck as I write.

March 29, 2016

Playdowns? Playdowns!

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I am struggling to understand what is going on in panel one. Part of me wants to recast it as some kind of Mexican standoff… but, nowadays, I can’t decide who’d be the Good or the Bad. Marty is obviously the Ugly.

Turning that dubious conundrum aside, I’ll be curious as to which Parkland they’re playing. Regardless, it seems obvious what is coming next. Kenzie laying the smack down as only she can.

 

April 2, 2015

A Shot at the Playdowns? April Fool!

Filed under: basketball, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 5:22 am

April 2, 2015

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Remember yesterday when Marty Moon said that Milford had to beat Goshen and Madison to have any shot at the playdowns?  Turns out a lot of other things had to happen as well:

1. Jefferson had to lose to, uh, somebody

2. Gil had to not suspend Max Bacon

3. Rubin needed to move this plot along a lot faster than he did

So why are all those kids smiling? They know the season’s about to be over too! By the way, who handed them their towels?

November 27, 2014

Two Playdowns in One Day

Filed under: actual action, exposition comics, football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon — teenchy @ 7:53 am

November 27, 2014

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“It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s in my Thermos®, and it helps me to pretend to care about this foolishness.” Naw, Marty must be pretty excited about calling playdown playoff postseason action; his head has swelled to fill the corners of his crate.

Marty’s creators, however? I’m not sure their hearts are into this arc anymore. Wouldn’t a run-oriented offense have an easier time in bad weather than a pass-oriented one? Did Milford score all its points through the air before the rain got heavier? How may points have been scored, anyway? Going only from the uniform numbers of the players I’m guessing P2 shows a pick-six by a Milford linebacker, the Glenoak quarterback chasing him futilely.

We move on to a starry, starry night at Timken (how a 2-9 team made the playdowns is beyond me and, yes, I did read about the 0-10 team in Texas that did) where we know the exact score but not how the scores were made.  Most of round two doesn’t even elicit a single panel. Whigrub are phoning this in as if they were actually writing this on Thanksgiving morning… not unlike myself, really.

Gil, Mimi and the MIA Thorp kids aren’t here to break the fourth wall but I will and wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. Thanks for reading this gibberish and for planting ideas in my head about how to write more.

March 11, 2013

Yay! We’re In The Playdowns

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 5:55 am

3/9/13
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I guess Jefferson doesn’t have access to any magic fowl. You’d think the three piece suit of the coach would be enough to spur on the ‘Jeffs.

YAY! We’re in the playdowns! We’re in the playdowns!

3/11/13
031113

YAY! We’re in the playdowns! We’re in the playdowns!

Well, bring out the peacock.
I think the peacock’s sleeping.
Well, I guess you’re gonna have to wake him up.

November 29, 2022

You FAKED This Whole Video????

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:24 pm

Sorry, Gang, I had a mean streak and it’s nice where I’m among friends, knowing that mean streak is raison d’etre for This Week in Milford. For those of you reading Rex Morgan, you know they’re doing as much piddling around with plot development as here in Mudlarkland. It was bad enough that Mud Mountain Murphy was in the bathroom for several days and you think he was going to keel over from devouring anything not nailed down to the menu, plus I’m getting nightmares of Mud Mountain sitting splayed on the john getting food wastes through his derrière sprayed all over his overalls and boxer shorts that could house the Continental Army. But when he came out of the restroom, not only did he appear okay with not even a banana split ring around his collar but then today he confesses to Buck, the man who booked him for the show, that he staged the whole sickness so that he wouldn’t be the opening act. So Truck Tyler performed first and Mud Mouth Murphy was the headliner. I’m sorry, I couldn’t imagine the Milford VFW Accordion Troupe faking The Plague and making retching noises in some Port-o-Let just so Kiss and Aerosmith be the opener before them. Just sayin’.

And hoping and praying more than likely not be the case that Gil staged this whole thing, albeit with all the plots running around in diapers, I still have reasonable doubt. As an example, who EVER would see the day that Gil would even SUGGEST divorce with Mimi?

Then there was the time when Paul McCartney was so livid with the way Buddy Holly was portrayed in The Buddy Holly Story, that he produced his own version of Holly. Personally, since Holly is one of my idols, I welcomed this many times over. I really denounced the original movie. Holly would never cold-cock another individual. He got feisty and practically in the face of a show manager, another misconception. Then there was the Rolling Stone cover of Gary Busey, who portrayed Holly in the movie, with Holly’s Game Face. Much as I like Rolling Stone and respect Busey as an actor, that wasn’t Holly.

And this is pretty much Thorpiverse, EXCEPT WHAT MCCARTNEY WAS SAYING WAS TRUE AND ACCURATE, we’re really not sure what happened in ‘87 and who’s gonna know so let’s come up with our own version of Milford Football history and have Gil oversee the production when he’s not fighting off the SWAT team or delivering a six-pack of Fanta to Meemaw in her room at Milford Adult Center. Oh, Emmett Tays wasn’t in the game because he had to take a leak behind the bleachers? No problem, we’ll splice him into the 3rd-and-goal play where we’ll have him run over the nose tackle. The NT was offside anyway. Oh, let’s laminate this score from Sports Illustrated onto our scoreboard. The score was 65-43 from some basketball game in Iowa? Who cares? I’ll just tell ‘em the offense was supercharged that day. And overdub the comments where I was cussing out the line judge. Just use that acceptance speech I gave at the banquet. Somebody recorded it, right?

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE USA MEN’S SOCCER TEAM ON ADVANCING TO THE KNOCKOUT ROUND IN WORLD CUP SOCCER PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart was pounding all afternoon as we took on Iran in an elimination match. Long story short, loser was going home. After several attempts in the first half, USA finally broke through on a Christian Pulisic chip shot which he received from a nifty cross from Sergino Dest. In the second half, Iran had their chances but never punched through. Tim Weah from USA had a chance to put it away but got called on an either-way offsides call. And you want drama? Iran had one last brilliant attempt when an Irani got a super feed and was poised to strike but got thwarted by the USA goalie, Matt Turner. Trouble was, the ball squirted out towards the goal as a result of the collision but Walker Zimmerman of USA alertly kicked it away before the ball could ring true in the net. Ball game. Wow.

Here’s what’s interesting. Admittedly not strong on soccer rules, my guess is the extra nine minutes that was played after ninety minutes was time accumulated from all the stoppages of play (hence the term) . While it stunk, the rule makes sense. Just don’t let this go deep into Mudlarkland

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Disputes Valley Conference Rule On Accrual Of Stoppage Play!!!!!!!!! Will File Protest At Its Office This Week!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wasn’t on the phone with my broker for eighteen minutes, I don’t care what the refs said.”

At the Milford Lounge doors of the men’s bathroom

“REEEEETTTTCCCCCHHHHHHHG!!!!!!!!!!!!

RETTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

RETTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, you can ease up. Kaz left for Valley Tech a half an hour ago.”

Wait a minute. WAIT FOR THE SNAP???? Talk about a Duh Moment. No, Tays, I think I’ll just plow into the VT defenseive end and get called for illegal procedure and get penalized 5-10 yards (unbeknownst of Valley Conference rules on Illegal Motion penalties) . Let the fans bitch and holler and say the Mudlarks blew the game. If I had to do over, I’d plow into him AND Pedro and his dad. Hey, they didn’t have to be on the field.

One of my brothers was an offensive lineman for his high school and he never heard that at all. You blew the snap, you ran laps till you Gil’d. This is T-verse once again erecting this facade where it has you believing it knows more football than John Doe from all its years as a concession stand worker at Milford Pop Warner League. Okay, T-verse, wink, wink, I’ll watch my backside and wait until we actually hike the football. I wouldn’t want to get left out of Gil Thorp Hall of Fame of Fair Play (hmmmm, the HOF cabinet is perched next to the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects) . My life would come to a crashing halt. My kismet would be slated as an eternal Jay’s Subs driver. What would I tell the customers?

DING DONG

“Heckelhorn residence?”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a delivery for a Footlong Veggie Sub w/Milford Vending Veggie Chips, a Six Inch Meatball, Extra Tomatoes w/3 Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, and a Ham Stromboli, Hold The Mayo.”

“You look familiar.” SNAP!!!!!! “Yes!!!!!! I remember!!!!!!!! You’re the one who jumped the count and cost Milford the State Playdowns Championship back in ‘87.”

“Old news. Sorry, Sir, I can’t change anything more than $20.”

“No problem. Take this fifty. Go fill up the tank.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Paul McCartney Declines Revision Of Mudlark Game From 1987!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“McCartney Spokesperson: ‘Mr. McCartney didn’t have time to set the record straight when he’d seen the game anyway. The truth hurts, especially when a person has to see it again.”

Heard at Milford Lounge

“Mud Mountain Murphy is doing a concert here Friday?”

“Yeah, right after Coach Shaw does his Jazz Series Concert on Bud Powell.”

What would you expect in P2 when you see the Mudlark receiver getting open, even as the Coastal Carolina-tinged players are in hot pursuit of the Mudlark QB? If you answered a scene where The Gipper throws the winning score that would be recruiting video material for Milford Community College Football, you’re not alone. Ah, but us Thorp veterans know better. True, they have had their moments. 2014 comes to mind. But that gets drowned in a sea of bittersweet episodes that are more bitter than sweet and often asinine to beat that concept in the ground.

For those of you keeping score at home, Tays was wearing #21 back in July when Gil was retrograding his career. Okay, Gil had his Lifesaver Moment and was able to convince Tays not to go Lizzie Borden on his parents or teammates. Good advice.
Now fast-forward from This Mudlark Memory Brought To You By Milford Diner now available on DVD and a podcast if you have a workable cell phone to a few days ago when Tays was wearing either #3 or #8, hard to tell at the angle Tays is displaying. Then just yesterday, Tays was proudly exhibiting #7. I could understand (maybe) a transition of uniform from the Milford Memory to the game with Valley Tech on the present VCR. The #21 uniform got chewed up by the Tays family German shepherd and Gil had spares in Luhm’s broom closet adjacent to the Brillo pads.

But Gil may be a miracle worker and BS his way to many wins but no way can he perform the equivalent of turning the water at Cana into Sani-flush. Not in the same game, within minutes of each other. That must have been some kind of incantation Thorpiverse recited.

Then, to make matters more interesting, the QB appears black and I entertained the notion that Tays was all-purpose on offense. With his exhortation in P1, it would go hand-in-hand with my hunch in P2. Or at least, the ball was lateraled to Tays and he in turn threw a strike in the end zone (fingers crossed) . The problem is the QB/Running Back/Utility Offense/Someone They Shanghaied Off The Street And Sledgehammered A Helmet On Him And Force-Fed The Playbook To Him is wearing #2 and I reckon it’s a stretch to reason through pure logic Tays changed once again. With all these numbers, I bet I announced the winning digits for Milford Powerball. Go get your ticket, I got all night.

HEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry Lawler and Dirty Dutch Mantell turned 73 today. I know all of you out there were overwhelmed and overjoyed with the news. I don’t think their numbers will change in the ring on Milford Championship Wrestling on WDIG-TV. Whew!!! That’s a relief. I wouldn’t know what to do if Lawler changed from 73 to 37 when he’s getting smacked with a garbage can by the Moon Dogs.
And I can see the bill on the telephone pole

“This Friday night at Milford Gardens!!!!!!!!!

Dirty Gil Mantell

versus

Luke ‘The Animal’ Steele

Valley Conference Cage Match!!!!!!!!!!

No time limit!!!!!!!!!! No disqualification!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loser teaches at Valley Modified at half-salary!!!!!!!!

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!! Be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Why wouldn’t Milford go for it? What else can they do, they can’t kick a field goal AND WIN IT unless they have some 2-second onside kick drill they run in practice up their sleeves. We’re talking Gil here. Last-minute clever maneuvering is a mental overload in his medulla oblongata. Besides, it’s the Milford Way. You don’t watch Jerry Lawler get a couple of welts by some blubberbutt stooge like Freezer Thompson who has as much muscle tone as these plots have any point to them, then fail to return with a piledriver suplex on Thompson and learn what it’s like to watch a blob of Play-Doh bounce around all over the ring, then finally watch Lawler throw that blob of Play-Doh through the ropes. No, drastic action is what’s needed here and P2 is more than piling it on the plate. Milford is going to go for it and thereby not disappoint the readership by wussying out when Freezer and Luke are mapping out strategy. Milford is in its shining hour, no time to go get a corn dog. Especially when Freezer ate 3/4 of them anyway. Time to soldier on.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Sends Official Letter Of Complaint To Valley Conference Over Recent Volleyball Ruling!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Why should there be stoppage time after the 3rd set? We only spent three minutes looking for Coach Ochoa’s contact lens.”

Heard at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club

“Okay, then Mud comes on after Wild Wilma gets done thrusting the pole?”

“That’s the plan.”

Trying to piece through P3 with a little help from some commentary on Gil Thorp Go Comics, it would make no sense if he was in the end zone. Once you catch it in the end zone, no way could that be a fumble. It still might not be a complete pass but Luke the Loser couldn’t recover it. Not that anyone would expect Luke to think that far ahead.

The only conceivable scenario here is that the Mudlark receiver fumbled BEFORE he reached the end zone. Better chance of Luke being a hero and possessing bragging rights that he subsequently spit back in Gil’s face at Beth the Bartender’s place, at least that was the attitude anyway. Good thing because Luke is like Marty, long on mouth, short on ethics and decent-looking beards. But you can use Norelco on the latter. Be that as it may, the hapless Mudlark failed to tuck and Luke failed to tuck his mouth as a result. So here we are.

Don’t press “Rewind” on this one.

BTW, what happened to Beth the Bartender? Granted, she was out of town but so was Gil’s co-pilot. Are both being cryogenically preserved until next year’s awards ceremony? I mean, Thorpiverse, they had lines. They can join the Screen Actors Guild like Ronald Reagan did. And as long is Gil may be divorcing Mimi, he has his pick of the litter.

Gang, “Last House on the Left” was about as campy of a horror flick as I’ve seen in quite some time, IMO. With all due respect to Wes Craven (Nightmare on Elm Street) in his director’s debut, I found myself more irritated than frightened. I may not have cared for the violence in “Straw Dogs”, but I found it believable and scary. When LHL had the sheriff and his deputy running around all over Milford to locate the house that was victimized by the murderous ravaging slime that was on the lam, to me it was too much Dukes of Hazzard meets Freddy Krueger. Anyway

At the Shaw household at 10:15PM on a random Monday

“Honnnnnneeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy-byyyyyyyyyyeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Come out, come out, wherever you arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee!!!!!!!!”

CRAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Honey, why are you hiding in the closet? And why do you have the door locked?”

“Because I won’t have no woman bitin’ my wee wee off to get revenge for her family. I’ll stay right here where Weasel should have hid when he slaughtered Keri and Jami on the screen!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Darling, that was just a movie. Nobody is out to attack your person but yours truly.”

“WRONG!!!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!!!, MRS. SHAW!!!!!!!!!! The last Bozo who thought that got chopped up by Krug Stillo and his body parts donated to science at Milford Communuty College Bio Lab. I fully intend to keep my reputation as a man even if I have to snort the anorak odors here in this closet. I brought plenty of Renuzit Strawberry Kiwi Lemon Lime so the smell don’t get so stale. And I got my Gatling Gun in case ol’ Krug has any thoughts of busting the door down.”

“Wook, unwock de widdle dowah and let me show you that YOU are Krug and you can use your person to chop ME up.”

“No way, Woman!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see what Sadie did to Mimi????? Mimi was a dead log floatin’ around on Mudlark Lake where the algae ate up the rest of the carrion. Sadie ain’t about to send me on no log flume ride bleedin’ to death down the incline!!!!!!!! That’s why I got the garage door all hooked up with cable wire so can get her ass fried in case she tries to sneak in the back. I can sleep next to your pile of boxes of high heels in blissful harmony knowing she’ll get electrocuted without having to go to the chair.”

“I was wondering why the garage door wouldn’t open when I pressed the remote button.”

“Mrs. Shaw, I can watch the Bulls beat the Lakers when Michael Jordan ignored Bill Wennington and slammed it in the hoop himself here on my TV phone on ESPN History Channel. Steve Kerr hittin’ 3 after 3 because Will Perdue was like Gil, didn’t have a clue what to do with the ball, Man, I’m in Hog Heaven sittin’ on top of these old shirts I wore when I was playing Industrial League Slo-Pitch and catchin’ some action. And my manhood is safe!!!!!!!”

“Darling, If that’s what you’re worried about, I have news I read in the Milford Star. They reported that Krug received lethal injection yesterday at Milford Maximum.”

”I was tired of dodging the moths going after my high letter jacket anyway. And it was time to ‘fess up to my manhood. I marched right down to the friendly staff at Milford Men’s Clinic and got the treatment I needed to enhance my manhood and dump my impotency in the lake with Mimi and her remains. Come chop up your own ED problems and feel like Freddy Krueger in bed, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

At the Martinez household at bedtime

“What happened to your manhood??????”

“I’m sorry, Mi Miel, the dog chewed it off. My flunky assistant ordered a replacement. It should be coming UPS any day.”

In Gil’s office one afternoon

“No, Marty, this time I was talking to the resident nurse at Milford Adult Center!!!!!!!! I was double-checking to see if Meemaw received all her electric blankets. That didn’t warrant 25 minutes of stoppage time!!!!! You tell the Valley Conference Commisioner that!!!!!!!”


November 10, 2022

Is It Too Late To Switch Over To Mud Mountain Murphy?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:02 pm


For those of you who have been reading the Rex Morgan, MD storyline, you know that Rex and his wife are at this Country Music concert at Lou’s Nite Spot and anticipating any minute two old-school (seems that way, anyway) Country performers. The first on the bill is this obnoxious but gentle non-forma blob by the name of Mud Mountain Murphy. To give a little background leading up to this juncture, he and Truck Tyler, the other performer, plus the promoter who got them at Lou’s who goes by Buck had been eating earlier at Nick’s Diner where Mud Mountain pretty well showed in about fifteen minutes why he went by that sobriquet.

He flat-out ate the diner out of house and home, including this humongous chocolate banana split orange ade vanilla roll cake peach cobbler lemon meringue pie cheesecake infested rhubarb pastry black raspberry doughnut creme de la creme cruller strawberry frapped blueberry icing Count Chocula cereal bites with a cherry on top. The hitch was that if he could devour Mt. Everest, the dessert was on the house. A Mountain eating a mountain, how noble.

Well, he did it. Got the order free, his wallet safe for another day. The problem is, he’s up on stage today about to perform but it appears that Mt. Everest is kicking back as he is forced to tell the audience, much to its chagrin, that he has to step out for a minute. Don’t mind me, folks, I’m just gonna have to puke up that banana split and somebody will have to plunge a garden hose up my fat ass to pump out the cashews and the rest of the contents so they don’t get caught in my duodenum. It’s just a routine procedure. Rex is like Gil, he may only show up in a time of crisis and still be clueless and compassionless, but he knows what he’s doing. He’s inserted several garden hoses before, this’ll be like clockwork. I’ll be back by the second set.

But that’s the storyline itself. It’s not like here where there’s Mud Mountain Murphys running in all directions. Geez, how many garden hoses do we need? I know I’m not about to pump Coach Kaz, Coach Thorp, Pedro, Dr. Pearl, Lumpy Luke, etc. all at one time. We’d need enough hose to stretch to Pike’s Peak and back. Wasn’t it the last couple of days that the story was unfolding why Luke had a Lunkhead against Gil? Some of us had hope and were FINALLY getting interested until Thorpiverse pulled a Mud Mountain on us and threw in some more meat loaf and mashed potatoes and some Oreos while we’re still trying to pare down The Old Man on The Ice Cream or the entire state of New Hampshire, whichever our digestive system could stomach first (pardon the pun) . Are we getting ANOTHER plot at Nick’s Diner? T-Verse, we do have a concert scheduled. What are going to do, watch Gil write a letter to the Milford Star sports editor and say that Luke utters such trash because he’s a wiener, then zip over in time for Truck Tyler to play “Rose Garden”? Watch Gil spank Keri on his knee with a hickory switch if she doesn’t get out of bed, then race our ass over to Coffee Cantina to soak in Truck and Loretta Lynn and Mimi Thorp belt out “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man”? Look, we are only about a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving and none of the plots are really coming full circle. When we’re doing pregame interviews after a kicker kicked to himself then lateraled to Franco Harris for the Immaculate Reception, you know the Mudlark Football team is getting lost in Mud’s cookie dough. What are we going to do, the football team go to Milford General at New Year’s Eve to donate a case of Pepto Bismol to Mud in the ICU as a Christmas present? We’ll have to endure several undeveloped stories before we get to the lead undeveloped story? Mud may be mud by then.

Here’s some Maalox, Mud. It ought to clean you out before intermission.

At Coffee Cantina

“MY NEXT NUMBER IS A FAVORITE OF Y’ALL. I’LL BET YA KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT, ‘THEM MUDDY BOOTS!!!!!!!!’ AND AS AN EXTRA TREAT, COACH THORP IS HERE TO ACCOMPANY ME. HE’LL BE PLAYIN’ THE JEWS HARP OUTTA HIS BUTT!!!!!!!!!!”

Heard in the audience

“No wonder why Luke stomped his ass in ‘87!!!!!!!!”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Quashes Rumors That She Is Having An Affair With Truck Tyler!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“His sideburns exhibit an air of sexiness but my husband displays the equivalent sexiness emanating from his elbows.”

This is where we’re getting Mud Mountain’d to death. We were getting into the flow of Luke’s wrath the day before, today Gil is at Nick’s Diner, sitting next to the booth where Buck and Tyler are in a pendulous discussion about Mud’s B.O., reading about his upcoming game with Luke the Loser. Good lord, even good basketball teams don’t switch THIS much. It’s like Mud Mountain Murphy strumming “Them Muddy Boots” one minute, playing Erik Satie’s “Gymnopedie No. 1” the next. He’s going to get a heart attack just by engineering this transition. Somebody better order Lean Cuisine Meat Loaf at Nick’s Diner.

And as long as we’re going to talk about rewriting history, if somebody can write Luke out of this spaghetti bowl of plots, I’ll pay for the banana split, he or she doesn’t even need to finish it. I wouldn’t want to see Rex treat you for a coronary and hand you a lollipop if you rise up and walk although at least they’re sticking to one plot and not challenging Dr. Pearl, Gil, Mimi, Keri, Jami, Pedro, Coach Kaz, Marty Moon, Marjie Ducey, Heather Burns etc., etc., etc. each to spoon their own Pike’s Peak of an ice cream concoction. We gotta deal with Mud Mountain Murphy splayed out on the backstage barfing out Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup, let’s leave it at that.

Gang, I’m a huge Mike Wallis fan, the famous writer on Western life and history. He has been big on restoring Route 66, which BTW will celebrate its 96th anniversary this Friday (November 11th) , and along the way, he did an excellent piece on Big Texan Steak Ranch restaurant in Amarillo, Texas. They have a unique challenge that if you can eat a dinner roll, shrimp cocktail, regular salad, baked potato and a 72-oz. steak in one hour, the whole meal is on the house. Many have tried, many have Mud Mountain’d their abdomens, but believe it or not, more than 10,000 diners have beaten the challenge. Keri and Jami, don’t try this at home. Anyway

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Issuing A Fresh Challenge To All Of The Milford Populace!!!!!!!!!! Many Have Registered!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Bucket Manager: ‘We durst any of our customers to indulge in Bucket Crab Cakes, Bucket 74-oz. London Broil, Bucket Taco Cobb Salad, Bucket Croissant Cruller, and Bucket Child’s Plate Spaghetti and finish it in one hour. They will get a free voucher for a Bucket Cheesecake the next time they come to the Drive-In portion of the property.”

WHAT???? Mimi durst pour coffee in any receptacle besides the GIL mug???? Granted, just about any time we’ve seen these rare species is at GIL’s office but surely you can’t tell me he doesn’t have them hidden in the pantry, under the bed in that shoebox with the $10,000 wrapped up by a Milford Smut Publications magazine, by the aquarium, in Jami’s toy box, in Gil’s shaving kit, between Mimi’s Nair packages, over the spare TV in the den, next to the dog food bowl used as a water dish, and hanging as a potted plant out on the verandah.This is getting too much for my heart to take. Thank our lucky stars Mimi didn’t pour Folger’s in a MUD mug. I realize GIL and MUD are interchangeable but let’s not surrender to Rex Morgan yet. He has his own nonchalance to deal with.

And apparently Divorce Talk has been pre-empted for Austin City Limits with Mud giving it up towards the Colorado River. Just pour my coffee and shut up, Mimi. I am in no mood to discuss alimony. Call my lawyer. It’s amazing how we brace ourselves for a dam break but get jerked over to Krusty the Klown. Oh Boy, is Truck Tyler going to get shot out of the cannon? We’ll never know, that’s been sidestepped by Meemaw’s “Help, I’ve fallen on the volleyball court and I can’t get up!!!!!” Thank God, Lifeline was there to save a ruined plot that was going nowhere, if it ever showed back up, that is.

At The Bucket one afternoon

“I’ll be fine. Just a few more bites of these Bucket Crab Cakes and I won’t have to use my credit card.”

“Meemaw, I’m just concerned you’ll wet the bed tonight. Do you have clean sheets?”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Luke Martinez Takes Issue With Gil’s Carpet-Calling, Demands Proof From Allegations!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I licked every bit of that Bucket Child’s Plate Spaghetti. I’ll even show him the video.”

So now we’re going BACK to Keri via Mud’s failure to devour his mud. Stop this plot, I want to get off. WHAT is this accomplishing? Keri will get nightmares of Rambo trying to gang-rape her, we’ll spend a panel or two on that then in the third panel, Dr. Pearl will be heading to Milford Veterinarian Sevices to put the peacock to sleep after it contracted the plague. I think I’d rather watch Mud Mountain Murphy do Slim Whitman. We’re getting close to Christmas, I hope Santa wraps this up for all the good boys and girls.

If ya eat ev’ry bit o’ that 73-lb Bucket Venison Plate Special w/ Bucket Chili Fries, Bucket Jowl Bacon, Bucket Oyster Crackers, and Bucket Kiddie Caesar’s Salad and wash it all down with a Bucket Nehi, knowin’ you won’t hav’ ta worry ‘bout writin’ a check and hopin’ it won’t bounce like one o’ th’ Jowl Bacon bits, ya might be a redneck.

Now the only thing I can induce from Keri being in bed and Gil coming in to get her out of bed is the scary experience she endured a few days ago at the school. I know I’d be frightened if the Milford Stormtrooper Regiment came barging in while I was adding acid to water in chem lab. Oh, just a minute, A Team, let me shut off this Bunsen burner. We won’t be bending test tubes on this day, fer sure.

What’s a bit scary is when Gil is calling Keri “Princess”. As one of the readers at Gil Thorp Go Comics pointed out, there’s an eerie link between P3 today and the made-for-TV movie “Something About Amelia” where Ted Danson, the great actor from “Cheers”, plays a wonderful father who is eventually uncovered to have sexually assaulted his daughter. During this time he is constantly calling her “Princess”. When he is finally brought to justice, Amelia at last says “Stop calling me ‘Princess’”.

Well, Gil is full of Mud Mountain Murphy and wants to divorce his wife (supposedly) and is in a face-off with Luke over twiddley winks and if Luke doesn’t play fair, Gil will take all the footballs and go home, but I don’t THINK Gil is a sexual abuser. At least, I think it would be hard to work that one in and develop it (supposedly) before Santa comes down Gil’s chimney. If there’s no coal in Gil’s stocking, Santa and the rest of us have yet to find out. The truth should come by Valentine’s Day after Milford wins the State Playdowns over Luke’s Losers. Give it time.

“And that ends the game as Valley Tech stomps the Milford Mudlarks, 63-10. Luke Martinez ran roughshod over the Mudlark defense to the tune of 355 total yards, 231 rushing and 124 receiving. Gil simply had no answers but tell me something I don’t know. I’ll have stats and scores and analysis after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”


At Big Texan Steak Ranch one fine afternoon in Amarillo, Texas, Coach Shaw up to any challenge

“Damn!!!!!!!!!! I only have 31 minutes. I better gulp a few more crab cakes so I can get caught up!!!!!!! Waiter, can you get me another Fanta Orange to wash down the shrimp? Much obliged.”

Mrs. Shaw is led by the restaurant hostess

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Let’s find a motel along Route 66 and let me fill you up with more than oyster crackerrrrrrrrrrssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“LEAVE ME ALONE, Woman!!!!!!!! It’s 3rd and long and I fully intend to get the first down!!!!!!! How can I eat my Taco Supreme Nacho Queso Ensalada in peace when you’re wanting sex out in public???? I will get within field goal range even if I have to use a snow shovel to dump the rest of this Child’s Plate Lasagna down my esophagus. Do you take me for a fool?”

“Do you want the answer now?”

“Now I’ve got business to attend to and I got my mojo to get erect and that won’t happen when you won’t let me eat my dinner roll smothered in Texas Panhandle cream cheese. By gum, if that don’t get me hornier than an armadillo during mating season, I oughta sleep under one of the Cadillacs at the ranch.”

“Honey, I’d prefer a site with a roof over it. Holiday Inn has a discount for couples looking to recharge their sexual batteries. And you need a jump.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!! I am going to get this whole slab of steak they grilled in an incinerator the City of Armadillo used to cremate their citizens with and I will swallow this durn thing in 15 minutes. I’ll still have time to eat the baked potato or just cheat and stick it up my gluteus maximus when no one’s looking. Hey, I might have time to spare for dessert. Cheesecake sounds nice but I’ll settle for dinner mints.”

“Wook, come wid me and wet’s take youah widdle ding-a-ling to a motel wheh youah can stick your own baked putatuh into me. You don’t need sour cream for that.”

“Get thee behind me, Woman!!!!!!!!! I have 11 minutes and I still haven’t touched this Mac ‘n’ Cheese Pulled Pork Bar-B-Q and Baked Kettle Cooked Sea Salt Made In Guatemala Potato Chips!!!!!! I’ll beat the stopwatch if I have to use Halley’s M-O to force the deal. I can take a poop break as long as I come back and complete the deal. They allow you two of ‘em and I still have the 2-minute warning also. I’ll need all those time outs when I’m struggling with the chicken gizzards.”

The waiter approaches Coach Shaw

“Sir, the system is down. Do you want to sign up for another date?”

“I didn’t have to pay for it but that was a sister-kisser if I ever saw one. Heck, I never saw any student assistants kiss Gil’s butt like that. It reminded me of my own problems. I had a 72-oz piece of sirloin that couldn’t cut it on the grill if you added Lawry’s seasoning to it. It was time to confront the problem and I went to Milford Men’s Clinic to spice up my sex life. Doggone, I’m glad a did. With proven treatment programs and a board-certified staff, me and my honey have spent several days at the motels along Route 66 and we are having the time of our lives on The Mother Road. Come get your own dinner deal where you won’t have to pay a thing to enjoy the scrumptious smorgasbord made in Heaven.”


Gang, if Mud Mountain Murphy would go easy on the syrup when he’s eating pancakes, he might sing “Guitar Town” a lot better, regardless of what you say.

But God bless you anyway

At Big Texas Steak Ranch

“Mommy, why is Daddy sticking that steak in his Fruit of the Loom’s?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, here Keri, here’s some tokens. Go play Pac-Man in the game room.”

August 25, 2022

I Believe It’s Too Late To Get Into The SWINNNNNGGGG Of Things.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:19 pm

Don’t say Milford’s an eventful place

It gives us plots we are loath to know

The town insists that we should care

That we ought to pay some mind

Oh, how can we speak of Luke Loser passing by

With a lump in his brain and croc tears in his eyes

Or have we come to the golf course with just a pitching wedge

Or is there still time before football to grasp the swing of things

I bet you whippersnappers will get tired of my saying this but I raided the vaults once again and used A-ha, another one of my favorites, to slay The Gil and The Luke Loser with one stone. “Scoundrel Days” is to die for, IMO, and I utilized one of the album’s tunes to address the mierda del toro that is getting deeper by the panel.

Where is Pedro in the SWWWWIIINNNGGG of things? Our eyes are getting adjusted to two loveable losers (I didn’t say Cubs, Rob-ha) with one being full of croc and the other the same thing but at least she’s attractive and giving Luke Lunkhead something to cover up his lack of brains besides his hat.

Then Pedro walks on the golf course. Granted, he probably knew when tee time was but that was for HIS PARENTS (assuming) . How did Pedro know when Gil and Mimi were SWIINNNNNGGGGGINGGGGGGG? With no clubhouse in view, where was he hiding? In the lake? In the mutant poplars behind the Coke stand selling $15 Pepsi cans? Behind the senior citizen foursome of retired sheet metal workers at Milford Foundry?

Mick Fleetwood, leader of the super band, Fleetwood Mac, was one of Bill Clinton’s favorite groups. “Don’t Stop” was valiantly played the night Clinton was elected President of the United States. Therefore, when the group went on tour of the White House, Clinton gave the group a laissez-faire blessing to do so. The problem was when Mick had to take a major pee break. Because he was nowhere near a bathroom, he finally got clearance (hey, they were Fleetwood Mac) from the Secret Service to urinate on the White House lawn. Discreetly, naturally.

So that’s it. Pedro had to take a dump in the bushes and had to wait for the Secret Service to get clearance before he could get access to toilet paper. Just be sure to wash your hands before you extend the hand of fellowship to Coach Thorp, Pedro.

Then the next question is whether Pedro is talking about competing against Gil when Pedro dons the shoulder pads and knocks heads against his Mudlarks or simply here on the golf course. I’m leaning towards the latter since I didn’t see any shoulder pads nearby, either by the golf bag or where Pedro wandered off to do his patriotic duty. So I will go out on a limb and say that Pedro is Luke Loser’s ace-in-the-hole.

But if he isn’t dragging a golf bag with him, where will he get his clubs? I doubt the concession stand selling $10 Cracker Jack is having a fire sale on drivers and putters at this point. So it almost stands to reason that Pedro is going to use Papa Butthead’s golf equipment.

The bigger question is what in the name of Arnold Palmer is Luke Loser & Family doing at Milford CC? As Mopman mentioned yesterday, I think we all assumed Milford High was the only secondary school game in town. And like Mopman, I wonder then why Luke Loser asserted he ruled the roost in Rockville.

Since it appears that we have never been presented with a clear-cut idea where Valley Tech is located, I am forced to pursue some options. What if VT is in Milford (doubt it) ? Then it would make more sense for Luke Loser to be running his mouth while Luke-ette is running hers all over Gil’s cheek. Plus, the pieces continue to fall in place when Pedro leaps out of the bushes where he’s been engaging in Transcendental Meditation until Papa Loser summoned him after kissing Mimi’s hand. Everything on cue, mind you. If Pedro jumps out right of he azalea exactly when Luke Loser also kisses Gil on the cheek, the prompter wasn’t dong his job.

All right, what if Valley Tech is NOT in Milford? Then what is El Trasero del Burro and El Trasero del Burro Junior doing at Mildord links? Don’t they have golf courses in Valley Tech City? For that matter, don’t they have bars there too? Sure, it makes good theater to see a blowhard flap his jaws at a watering hole IN MILFORD and breast-beating Gil with how big and bad he is. But us Thorpiverse veterans are used to blowhards living IN MILFORD when they travel to Milford Lounge and tell Gil his mother wears army cleats. If the stiff-necked lout does not live IN MILFORD, he didn’t take a Concorde out of Stoke-on-Trent, England and fly across the pond, catch a secondary flight on a Cessna and land in New Thayer, catch another flight on a layover to Oakwood, then hitchhike to the Milford city limits, call an Uber driver to transport him right in front of the Milford Lounge doorstep, tip the Uber driver with several Euros, walk right in and tell Gil that his football team sucks. Oh, that cuts deep.

The point is, usually Flapper Flunky usually doesn’t appear until Gil and his teams reach the sporting venue/reach the Playdowns. In other words, don’t look for the Ironwood Ingots manager to challenge Mimi to a pay-per-hole challenge in a week or ever. His son just as well. Scraggly Face Junior won’t be popping out of the tamale wagon, not at this point anyway.

Really, I’m sure Mick Fleetwood would find a place to pee in Valley Tech City, I’m almost sure of it.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Given Citation Over Latest Incident!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We just wish he would have called 9-1-1 before he urinated on high school grounds.”

I am saddened to announce the recent passing of Coach Pete Carril. What an amazing coach. His Princeton Offense really took the basketball world by storm and bedazzled anybody who watched it. I once took in a game between the Princeton Tigers and the UNLV Runnin’ Rebels and the Tigers put on a clinic. Backdoor cuts, constant cutting and screening, easy lay-ups from exposing the defensive weaknesses, it was a sight to see. Though they eventually lost the game as Jerry Tarkanian was an excellent coach and recruiter and always obtained top talent for UNLV, Princeton started getting respect.

His teams won 13 Ivy League Titles and even if they never made a serious run in the NCAA Tournament, many coaches, among them Bob Knight, admired their modus operandi. SLAM magazine once said about them: “It would be an injustice to call them nerdy overachievers. These guys can play.” I couldn’t agree more.

Rest in peace, Coach Carril. There’s a clinic waiting for you in Heaven.

Mopman, mea culpa, the bar indeed was not in Milford although the golf course appears to be so, given the strong context clues suggesting it. My point is, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Luke Lunkhead at Milford Lounge, further muddying the concept of where the blazes Valley Tech or Valley Tech City is. Like he doesn’t have his own place to call his own for a Jack & Tonic to slurp on? And Teenchy had a point. Valley Tech is on this modular in No Man’s Land, a city/high school without a country. You da Man.

And I’m sure glad Pedro took responsiblity and revealed his age. I can breathe easier knowing that isn’t Carson the Cad in disguise. I know I’d get suspicious if this teenager was betting my Milford Federal Travelers Cheques every hole. Are you sure you’re not Carson Hendry? Because I just want to sign my scorecard, not turn it over to you because I shanked one in the bramble. And why bring Pedro along anyway? Can he SWWWIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG any better than Mimi just did? I’m not doubting he may have game but was it worth having hiding with the squirrels behind that big oak tree to confirm that idea? Slurp some more Jack, Luke Loser, and take your time answering that one. We know booze is more expensive here in Milford than Neptune where Valley Tech city calls home.

If ya got a hunter up yore sleeve tha’s already doused with cam-ee-flazh on his face and has his shotgun stuffed in the dead tree stump ready ta help ya out when duck huntin’ is in season, ya might be a redneck.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared Of Any Wrongdoing At The Milford Luxury Condo Suites And Will Only Pay Court Costs!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cochran kept telling Judge Ito, the bathroom was out of order on the first floor and I had to take a dump behind the shrubbery bad.”

Let us walk through this windbag city

I’ll go on ’til the 9th hole bites me

Oh, sleep, we will snore, I fear

On the bunker somewhere

Oh, but how do we snooze with this creep in our midst

With his son perched between us and Fran ingesting Schlitz

Oh, have we come to the point where Luke’s flipped his grip

Or do we still have time before football to grab the swing of things

If there’s one thing Thorpiverse villains are lousy at and that’s being a gentleman. Try to imagine The Penguin or Mr. Freeze saying the the same thing Luke Lunkhead is saying in P2 and I think you grasp my meaning. It is hilarious watching Egghead take drinks from the same bartender Gil is flirting with and trash talk Gil at Milford Mini-Golf World when Gil is attempting to negotiate through the windmill for eagle and rent a trailer from Milford U-Haul to haul Pedro around Milford with because Pedro evidently hasn’t heard of a bedroom to call his own but to watch Egghead kiss Mimi’s hand and compliment her driving form leaves little room to fight Batman and Robin. It’d be like Gotham City safe for another week because The Riddler was effusive with praise over Gil’s putting. Just leave the shovel by the shed after you’ve shoveled all la mierda del toro off of #10 Dog Leg Left, Luke Loser.

Notice Mimi isn’t having any of that. Whatever, loser. Who wants to have her hand kissed by someone with flies all over him and in his mentality? Plus have his son step out of a black hole to perhaps do the same thing? Well, I think Pedro sprayed himself down with Off! anyway before he shook Gil’s hand. The world is safe for Democracy for another day.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl To Be Re-Elected Principal After Intense Closed-Door School Board Meeting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘Don’t Stop’ by Fleetwood Mac was heard playing from her Lexus as a victory song for her and her constituents.”

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, why is Mr. Hernandez kneeling and kissing Miss Peaches on the butt?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh, here Keri. Here’s a Walkman and Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’. And here’s some AA batteries. Enjoy yourself.”

I swear, Peanut Buster Parfait Head Offbrand in P2 reminds me of the Old Maid game we played as kids. Some of the names stick out in my memory, such as Petunia Pill, Betty Bumps, Wacky Witch, and Art Smart. Add to the list Licking Luke along with his wife Free-Kissing Fran and Pissy Pedro. And if I really want to press my luck, I can play cards and turn one of them over and there’s Dairy Queen Top a/k/a Luke Loser a/k/a The Joker. He looks like he got his color schemes braziered at DQ anyway.

Now I hope I turn up Pissy Pedro so I don’t lose at Old Maid. I’m not about to let my opponent turn the hat trick.

Gene Rayburn is back to run La Mierda del Toro off the golf course. Oh, have at it, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought El Trasero del Burro meant a donkey’s________________.”

I love golf with my life even if I can’t play the game to save my life. But I have been a big booster of my local high school for eons which has won several State Championships in Boys Golf and Girls Golf. So I have been at a golf course at least once (ha) . Therefore, the next time I hear SWWWWIINNNNGGGG when a person is teeing off will be the first time.

Whatever happened to SWWWOOOOOSSSHHHHH or WHHHIIISSSSHHHHHHHH? Heck, for that matter, THWACK or WACK or SPLAT or WAK (the last one an offshoot of Thorpiversean sound effects) ? I’ll even accept Batman sound effects like KAPOW or BANG or ZOWIE. Batman golfs too plus we have a Joker and his wife and kids on the links. It would only be logical. Really, try to imagine Batman beating the poop out of one of The Penguin’s flunkys with a SWIIIIINNNNGGGGGGG. Carlton Fisk willed the ball fair at Fenway with a SWWWWIIIIINNNGGGGGGGG. Babe Ruth in the 1932 World Series called his shot and SSWWWWWWUUUUUUNNNNGGGGGGG one for the ages. Heck, we don’t have to limit this to sports. Chubby Checker SWWWWWUUUNNNGGGGGG doing The Twist. Censors kept the TV shows from displaying Elvis below the Pelvis when he was SWIIINNNNGGGGGGIINNNNGGGGGG to “Jailhouse Rock” or “Don’t Be Cruel”. The possibilities are endless. The SWWWIIINNNGGGGGG’S the limit.

Oh, this is a ball and chain all right. Having to lug around El Trasero del Burro in this plot is like driving a semi pulling a Union Pacific. It might move but what’s the point? Maybe we can SWIIINNNGGGGGGGG him off the storyline. It can happen.

Gang, I love these hotel listings in certain foreign countries where the photos show wonderful accommodations but every third picture is of the bathroom with the toilet proudly protruding. After awhile, Holiday Inn of Mars, we get the point. You have a place to relieve ourselves without having to resort to using a Dixie cup supplied by the hotel. Anyway

“Gil shoots another one in the water. Three in, four out, looks like to me. He golfs like he coaches, no direction and all wet. We’ll take a break here at the Milford Pro-Am Coed Golf Tournament until the ball boy uses his rod and reel to play tug-of-war with the catfish for Gil’s Titleist. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“That Marty Moon sure can cook up some stories, burnt all over and needing salt. You could use a butcher knife on that overdone omelet in half and it’d be the truth, I swear. I still managed to keep my checkbook in my pocket after Luke the Loser was caught with loaded golfballs and was disqualified. The golf official got suspicious when Luke Lunkhead made a long putt with a Callaway Epic Forged 9-Iron.

But people who cheat using whiffleball bats to tee off with are not the only things on my mind. The Bucket is once again undergoing smear tactics to deface the name of Milford Beverage Warehouse and if The Bucket thinks that I, Coach Thorp, is going to sit idly by and let the foam drizzle out of the Pabst Blue Ribbon mugs and get all over the remote, well, all I can say is I like to watch Mary Tyler Moore Show and I have my remote close to the Guideposts rack, thank you very much.

I was there for you, the customer, when representatives of The Bucket were passing out brochures of their eating establishment right under the Wink Martindale statue. I told them to their faces that just because you’re torqued because you didn’t get a variance from the Milford Beverage Commission to sell Falls City at the Drive-In Annex doesn’t give you the right to start acting like the Moonies and passing out flowers and lies. Onward Christian Soldiers was my mantra that day and you would have been proud to know they backed down after my crusade. Threatening to whop somebody with a can of Michelob certainly enforced the rules.

I read one of their brochures that they had the audacity to stuff up Wink’s Trasero. The nerve of them to show the dining area and then 10 pictures of the restrooms. Mr. CEO of The Bucket, we know you’re trying to engineer a positive spin on your place, even if your attempts at a liquor license got shot down like a B-52 that ran out of fuel, but is it really necessary to show men humping the urinals in one picture and kiddies devouring a Bucket Child’s Cheeseburger the next? That’ll impress the Beverage Commission at the next hearing?

Milford Beverage Warehouse has a better idea. How ’bout Old Forester Premium Whiskey at a steal for $28.99? And you don’t have to have your picture of you sitting on the john to swipe your Visa for such a bargain. Come on, Bucket officials, try to buy Chee-tos without using the handblower in the bathroom, I dare you. I double-dare you.

Ladies, you don’t need to freshen up in The Warehouse rest rooms, provided of course as a convenience for our customers, not as a PR move for a AAA Road Atlas, to savor great booze. That’s right, you can march right in, yank that Bud Lite 24-Pak off the shelves and after you’ve paid a paltry $19.99, you will also get free transport of your liquor all the way to your car. I bet The Bucket wouldn’t stick a toothpick in the glove box.

And do you want to know what the latrines smell like over at The Bucket or do you want to forge ahead and grab that Ketel One Vodka for $29.99 before the sliding doors close for good at The Warehouse? Folks, that’s a no-brainer. Between stepping on cow manure and buying great vodka and Milford Vending Beer Nuts Reduced Sodium, I’ll go with a winner anytime. I don’t need to scrape off my shoes buying beer nuts.

Hey, that goes for Zach Brown Cab wine at $12.99. I wouldn’t put it past The Bucket CEO to be shown sitting in the reading room sipping a Zach Cab Red and perusing a National Geographic with a security camera on him. Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.

But if you literally want to get off the pot and leave la mierda at The Bucket bathroom stalls, you KNOW where to go for REAL booze without la mierda del toro. Come get The Good Life at a fraction of the cost with no writs from Milford Beverage Commission and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, get in the SWWWWWIIINNNGGGG of it. You’ve been slipping lately. I don’t feel like lugging around another Trasero del Burro.

But God bless you anyway.

What have we done, what lies we were told

Plot’s played games with pinheads with shoes without soles

Oh, must we come to the point where we’re losing our grip

Or will football lead us into the swing of things

“YOU CARA DEL BURRO!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, please, not in front of the kids.”

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